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“Blaine! Blainey! Blainey!”
Blaine turned around, letting go of Kurt’s hand just in time to catch his mother as she stumbled from Puck’s arms. “Mom,” he said brightly. “Are you having a good time?”
“Your friend Puck is such a good dancer,” she beamed. “And quite handsome too. Did you know he’s in the Air Force?”
“Yep, I was vaguely aware of that,” Blaine chuckled. “You’ve met Puck before, remember? We went to McKinley together?”
“I cleaned your gutters,” Puck supplied.
Kurt jerked around, his eyes wide. “You did what to Blaine’s mom?”
“No no, I actually cleaned her gutters,” Puck insisted. “Not ‘cleaned her gutters’.”
“Wait, what?” Blaine asked.
“Puck was friendly with the neighborhood moms back in the day,” Kurt explained.
“Ooooh, you’re that Puck,” Pam Anderson chuckled. She leveraged herself against Blaine’s shoulder to stand up straight and pointed at Puck. “Now, I know I should’ve recognized you. Martha Jacobson still talks about how well you… kept her pool chemicals balanced.”
“Oh, Mom, this isn’t proper wedding talk,” Blaine said. “No need to talk about pool chemicals.”
“Well, if I’d had some warning that you were getting married, I’d have prepared more topics for discussion,” Pam chided. “I mean, not that it isn’t romantic, because it’s so romantic. You know your father and I ran off and eloped when we found out I was pregnant with you. And that was romantic. It was Chicago in the early 90s. Ugh, those were the days,” she said wistfully. “And that was right after Cooper’s father left and ooooh Cooper would’ve loved this. I can’t believe you didn’t want him to be your best man.”
“Well, if we’d known we were going to get married before three hours ago, he would’ve been,” Blaine insisted. “It was just… you know… spur of the moment.”
“We’ll have a party once it gets warm,” Kurt promised. “And we’ll invite everyone and Cooper can be the best man of the party.”
“And if you wait until summer, Quinn can come,” Puck added. “Classes and stuff, you know?”
“See, summer will be even better,” Blaine promised. “And we’ll invite the whole family. We just… I dunno, it was romantic and I didn’t want to wait and you aren’t mad, are you?”
“Mad?” Pam gasped. “Oh, Blainey, how could I be mad at you and your big heart and your adorable husband? No, it’s just, you’re all grown up, and if you’re grown up it means I’m getting old, and I don’t like that possibility. But no, sweetheart,” she said, cupping Blaine’s cheeks. “I’m so happy for you. And the fact that this wedding was paid for by the Pierces and the Lopezes,” she added with a grin.
Blaine laughed. “Yeah, you lucked out on that one, didn’t you?”
“But you do know what we need to do, right?” Pam asked. She slipped her hand into Blaine’s pocket and pulled out his phone. “We need to tell your brother. He’s going to be so happy for you. He loves Kurt. Even if he’s iffy on Kurt’s fashion sense.”
“Luckily he doesn’t get a vote,” Kurt mumbled.
“I’m not unlocking my phone for you, Mom, we can call Coop later,” Blaine said.
It took Pam only two tries to unlock Blaine’s phone and get into FaceTime. She just smiled at his look of discomfort. “Oh, sweetheart, you use the same passcode for everything. Don’t look so surprised. Oh, here we go, it’s ringing!”
”Heeeeey Blainey!” Cooper beamed as his face showed up on screen. ”Mom? What are you doing on Blaine’s phone?”
“Guess where we are?” Pam asked. She turned the phone to show off the dance floor. “Guess!”
“I dunno, a party?” Cooper said. “Wait, hold up… I’m playing a dead body on Elementary next week, so I should work on my detective skills. There are people in suits, and dancing, and music and… wait, I see a wedding dress! You’re at a wedding! Who got married?”
Pam turned the phone again to point Cooper’s face at Blaine and Kurt. “They did!” The pair gave Cooper a little wave. “Blaine’s married, sweetheart! Isn’t that exciting?”
“But there were girls in wedding dresses,” Cooper said. “He’s still gay, right?”
“Brittany and Santana,” Kurt supplied. “Double wedding, long story.”
“So you’re married, squirt?” Cooper asked.
“Yep,” Blaine beamed, holding up his hand to show Cooper his ring. “Legal and everything.”
“What in the hell did you get married without me for??” Cooper yelled. “Do you know how long I worked on a best man speech for your first engagement? I had musical cues for doves. And an interpretive dance portion that Entertainment Weekly would refer to moving and the best part of the ceremony.”
“I’m pretty sure the best part of the ceremony would be the grooms,” Kurt tried.
“I just… I can’t believe you got married without me,” Cooper said.
“No, it wasn’t without you,” Blaine said. “It was a spur of the moment. We kind of jumped into another wedding. We’re going to have a party this summer for our family and friends.”
“And you get to be the best man of that,” Kurt promised.
“If you think I’m not giving my best man speech right now, you’re sadly mistaken,” Cooper insisted. “Mom, get me up on stage.”
“Oh, I’ll do this,” Puck chuckled, taking the phone from Pam and making his way onto the dance floor. “Here, I just need this,” he said, taking one of the microphones and waving the phone to get people’s attention. “Attention everyone,” he called out. “We had someone who wants to give a speech, so… listen up.” He positioned the mic under the phone speaker and turned Cooper’s face out to the crowd.
“Dearly beloved,” Cooper said. “We are gathered here today, apparently, to join my brother and Kurt in holy matrimony, which I didn’t find out about until about five minutes ago is what will be later described as the betrayal of the century, because an Anderson wedding without Cooper Anderson is a travesty. As Blaine’s best man, or at least I would’ve been his best man if he hadn’t decided to celebrity surprise wedding, which now that I’m thinking about it, is a rather baller thing to do. Now, you might not describe Blaine as baller, and admittedly I wouldn’t either, but I digress.”
Blaine buried his face in his hands. “I can’t decide what’s worse,” he mumbled so that only Kurt could hear him. “My mother drunkenly hitting on Puck, or my brother giving his version of a best man speech by phone.”
“For those of you who don’t know me, and can’t tell from this tiny phone screen that I’m the devastatingly attractive FreeCreditRatingToday.com/savings spokesman, as well as the voice of not one but three Wendys in the tri-county area, my name is Cooper Anderson and I am Blainey’s big brother. And I’m so pleased to be with you here today if only by phone because Blaine didn’t invite me or anyone else to his surprise wedding.”
“This is worse,” Blaine decided.
“I’m sure he talks about me all the time, but today I want to talk about him,” Cooper continued. “Because Blaine is one of the most compassionate, kindest, caringest people that I know. And if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s him. And it was really hard for him to be happy for a long time, so if a surprise wedding in what looks like a rickety barn makes him happy, then I can’t be mad at him for not telling me about it.”
“Oh, Cooper,” Kurt murmured, giving Blaine’s hand a squeeze.
“Blaine’s an artist. And art comes from pain. I should know, because I’m an artist too. Blaine’s pain came from the fact that he was gay and that his dad was an asshole who didn’t appreciate him. My pain comes from the fact that it’s really hard for people to take you seriously when you look as attractive as I am.”
“No, that sounds more like him,” Blaine sighed.
“But through all of that he made something beautiful, and he met something beautiful. Blaine, I wish you nothing but happiness. Hey, turn me towards him.” Puck turned so that the phone was facing Blaine. “Nothing but happiness, squirt. And Kurt, we’re related now, so lucky you.”
“Lucky me, Cooper,” Kurt chuckled.
“Everybody raise a glass to Blaine and Kurt… except Mom, she looks a little drunk right now, Blainey don’t let her have another or she’ll start singing.”
“Too late,” Pam laughed.
Puck handed the phone off to Blaine, who was wiping a tear from his eye. “That was surprisingly sweet, Cooper.”
“I meant every word. I also mean it when I say you’re going to throw a party so that we all can celebrate.”
“I promise, Cooper. June?” Blaine asked.
“June sounds perfect for a belated wedding reception to make up for the fact that you got surprised married without your family.” He pointed off to the side. “Seriously, don’t let her drink anymore. You know how she gets handsy when she gets drunk.”
“I’m gathering that’s an Anderson family trait,” Kurt said.
“You too?”
“We’ll talk about that later,” Blaine said, shooting Kurt a look but there was no irritation behind it. Just love.
“You two have fun. I love you, Blainey.”
“You too, Coop.”