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It's a typical Friday night. There aren't any assignments due, so the bars are filled with rambunctious, young adults, all desperate for a getaway.
He's not one of them.
Friday's are usually his laundry day. He'll wash the towels, the whites, and then whatever's left. It's a bit of an energy waste, but he prefers to finish them off in the dryer. Hanging them up to dry is too much of an effort.
Most things are too much of an effort these days. Every week it's the same old cycle. Go to class, study, go to club meetings to plan some event, go to work, repeat.
Over and over and over again.
At this point, the only thing that keeps him grounded is his weekend routine. When all of the chores are done, he can curl up in his bed and order take-out, preferably Chinese. Sometimes pizza too, he's not very picky, he just needs something greasy to keep him distracted. Black bean noodles with some movie that he's seen a thousand times playing in the background. The perfect recipe for brain rot.
Then he'll wash it all down with a coke. The sugary beverage does wonders for him. He's not sure if it's the burn of the carbonation or the killer combo of caffeine and sugar, but whatever it is, serves as the key for resetting his entire mood.
Most people his age rely on alcohol for that. A nice cold beer or soju with a group of friends.
But he doesn't drink. Too many memories of late nights accompanied by the hushed sobs from his mother. Or the bad nights when he kept his eyes scrunched tight with a pillow over his head, dying to fall asleep, or at least block out the sound of the shouting match taking place two bedrooms down.
He'd rather be the lame one out than risk making himself the next drunken family fool.
And maybe that's why he didn't have any friends.
He didn't drink, so he didn't get invited to any dinners with his department, or the impromptu trips to the club. And he was okay with that at first.
But that was before the loneliness set in.
He initially considered getting a pet. Something small and not too high maintenance. But housing was already expensive, and he didn't want to pay extra for the monthly pet fee.
So then he tried joining clubs, study groups, you name it. But that never really went beyond casual greetings and the exchange of KaTalk. Very unfulfilling.
So then came the mobile apps. They were kinda fun. He enjoyed the straightforward nature of them, though the challenge this time was finding people he was compatible with. There were a few fun conversations here and there, but after about three relays the chats either ran dry or the other person felt that it was time to go ghost. And that just left him feeling even shittier than before.
So he doesn't bother with it anymore. He accepted that his social life was at an all-time low and that it would probably stay that way for a while. Hence his attempt to suppress his gloominess with the illusion of relaxation. Though temporary, a mouthful of noodles and the loud 'crack' of the soda can were enough to lift his mood.
For now.
Even with all of the mental gymnastics and bargaining, he knew the arrangement would not work for much longer. He could already feel the shadow of depression creeping up into the crevices of his mind.
Memories of how it used to be. Two years ago, before he left to start a new life at university. When things were simple. Waking up early so that he had time to stop by the convenience store before school. Coming home to his mother's warm, home-cooked meals. And his friends...
God, he really missed his friends.
Soobin was always the shy type of guy, but they somehow managed to make an extrovert out of him. They would run off after school to hit up the nearby market for some snacks, or when they had enough money, they'd go to a restaurant and fill up on rice cakes and ramen.
Most of them attended Hagwon, so they didn't always have free time between leaving school and heading home. But that never stopped them from sneaking off for a "quick" game of soccer. The matches went on for ages, until someone's parents started to call, asking, "Where are you? Have you gone insane? Do you know what time it is?"
That's when they'd all start to scatter. He would run back to his house, then stand around for a bit until his heart stopped racing.
Heart racing
He hardly remembers when it even feels like to be that excited anymore. He hasn't seen his friends since graduation. They go to different universities, and it's not like they have the time (or the money) to drop by for a visit. He misses them so much it hurts, and what makes it worse is that he doesn't have the confidence to tell them. Because they're all thriving. He sees the pictures they post online with their new friends, hanging out at coffee shops or noraebang.
And what? He's just supposed to call them up, crying that he's so alone and he wishes for everything to go back the way it used to be? Yeah, no.
He'll just continue to rotate within the cycle. Waiting for the day that things will begin to change. When he'll no longer have to tuck himself in a night, a lump in the back of his throat as he tries not to cry. When he finds someone that he can hold close, be it a friend or a lover. Someone that will truly understand him.
That will see him, his pain, then hold his hand and tell him that it's alright.
Or until he gives up. The day that his endurance finally collapses under the pressure, and the only option left is to embrace despair.
And for his sake, he hopes that day never comes.