Work Text:
I was a tad bit late getting to my office this morning, so seeing Clef waiting for me in the hallway wasn't a massive shocker. What did shock me however, was his behavior, he was quiet as I unlocked the door and motioned him inside. Barely even mumbling a quiet 'thank you' as he stepped past me and took a seat on the armchair positioned towards my work desk, I could tell he wanted to tell me something, but getting him to come out with it wasn't going to be easy.
"I hope you'll forgive me for being late, Doctor," I spoke as I tidied up my desk and turned on my computer, "had a rough time getting to the new apartment I was assigned." Clef looked up at me, his eyes poorly hiding his worry, "But you did get there safe, right?" I nodded and saw him visibly loosen up, a soft 'good' repeating out his mouth as he leaned back in his chair. "You didn't wait for me out there just to see if I got home safe, did you, Doc?" I jokingly teased to hopefully ease of the tension I knew he was still feeling.
"No no," He leaned forward with a gruff laugh, but almost as if he remembered why he came here, he stopped and frowned once more, "I uh...came here to talk to you about..um..something else actually..." I could see him draw his arms towards himself more and I knew at that moment it was time for me to get to work. Giving a reassuring smile, I moved my chair a bit closer towards him and folded my hands on the desk, "What would you like to tell me, Doctor?"
Clef wasn't a small man, quite the contrary in fact, but seeing just how tiny he made himself appear as he folded in on himself was surely a sight to see. It broke my heart to see him so visibly struggling, yet he remained quiet, whispering curses to himself every so often. "It's okay, Alto...you don't need to force it, take as long as you need." I spoke softly but kept my distance, most of the doctors within the facility were always on edge when it came to touch so I knew better than to try and comfort him physically.
When he stood up, I couldn't help but hold my breath, I knew what he was capable of and the last thing I needed was him to let his emotions out through violence. "You don't understand, Simon," He was pacing now, his breathing heavy and stressed, "I had enough time, I've taken too long, I'VE HAD 19 YEARS TO TELL SOMEONE,DAMMIT!!!" His voice rang out in my ears as he towered over me, the desk providing minimal distance between us. My heart was pounding in my chest, but I needed to do my job, I couldn't let him scare him, not when he needed help. Letting out a breath, I remained in my seat but leaned towards him more, asserting myself but showing that I didn't mean him harm.
"Alto, I understand that you're afraid," I kept eye contact as I spoke, his eyes betraying the tough act he was trying to hold, "I know what it feels like-" "You don't know shit!" He interrupted and slammed a hand down on the desk, making me flinch and break my gaze on him. "What could you possibly know about what I've had to go through?" Despite his attempt at threatening me, I could hear the shakiness in his voice. He was scared, sure, but he was tired. Similar to an animal that spent so long fighting and running that it just wants it to end.
"It happened when I was 18." My voice made him flinch, was he not expecting an actual answer? Not waiting for him to talk I continued, "I lived with my brother at the time, I knew he worked with The Chaos Insurgency, of course, but he rarely brought it up...until one morning, I woke up to him chatting with a couple of his friends. I could smell something burning....I...I thought it was a barbeque..." My voice cracked and I let out a nervous laugh, Clef had settled down by now, returning to his chair to listen intently.
"I was always nervous around his friends, but the way they stared at me when I came out of my room..." I couldn't help but shiver as I remembered their eyes, my brain wanting so badly to forget and not recall, but I needed to continue, for both of us, "my brother...he told me to go outside, the dog needed food he said...I should've known something was up when he made me leave so quickly, but I trusted him....I...I trusted him...he was my brother he would never hurt me....right? He wouldn't let anyone hurt me, that's what I believed anyway...when I came back in, he and his friends were no where to be found, I figured they had left through the back or something...until I saw the note he had left in my bedroom..." swallowing deep, I had to mentally prepare myself for the rest of the story, Clef's hand was over his mouth, his eyes focused intently on me in a mixture of worry and anger. He already gathered what had happened, my mind was telling me, I didn't need to continue.
I continued.
"The note told me to go in the basement, the place he never wanted me to go. It told me that I'd be punished if I didn't do what he told me to do...I....I still lay awake some nights thinking of what would've happened if I disobeyed. Needless to say, I went down into the basement, the burning smell was stronger down there, and by the time I got down the stairs I was drenched in sweat from the heat....it was coming from a furnace, I never knew we had one and I was too distracted to notice someone standing behind me...I....I remember I screamed when they grabbed me and no matter how much I kicked....they were so much stronger and bigger than me, they had no difficulty with handling me, throwing me against the ground like I was nothing more than a toy to them...I...I felt like they were going to break my arms when they forced them down...m....my brother...he held down my legs by sitting on them.....I can still remember the way he looked at me...he...sometimes I see him when I look at my reflection, y'know?"
"He was being so....so gentle...in the way he spoke.....he told me about bringing me to where he works...b...but that I needed to do some things before I could be allowed in. I begged and screamed for him to let me go, that I didn't want to go, but he leaned down and told me I didn't have a choice..." I put an arm over my stomach, my fingers grazing my back, "I couldn't hear what he said after...I....I was too busy screaming as he pushed a metal....object....into me. By the time he finally removed it, I was already so exhausted...his friends weren't done with me though....t...they were far from done..."
"Simon..." I snapped my head up to look at Clef, who was in clear distress judging by the tears streaming down his panicked eyes, I've never seen him cry before, "Did they...?" He asked and I saw his face distort to one of anger when I nodded. "Do you understand now?" I questioned gently, it took him a moment to remember why he was there in the first place, "I may not understand exactly what you've been through, but....I do understand." He nodded but I was not prepared for the sobs that came from him as he hunched over in his seat. The tough guy façade he had for years was finally shattering and he could do nothing but cry and tremble in front of me.
I said nothing else, I didn't need to, he would talk when he was ready, I knew he deserved this moment. A moment to finally let out all the emotions he held in lock and key for however long.
Hours seem to pass by before he finally spoke up, his voice raspy after crying for so long, "It's just so stupid," he didn't look up, but his hands were clutching his shoulders tightly, "I should've fought back, I should've stopped her...I...I...I'm a worthless pathetic excuse for a man." My body moved before I could fully register what I was doing, my instincts taking over as my arms wrapped around him and pressed his head against my chest. He flinched when I first made contact, but quickly leaned against me, sobbing into my sweater. All I could do was stroke his messy blonde hair and whisper reassuring words into his ears. "You're not worthless or pathetic Alto," I told him, "and you're not any less of a man." He kept mumbling to himself, trying to push the blame onto him, but each time I fought back.
"I-I loved her," He shakily said, "I thought she'd understand when I told her t...that I didn't want her like that...but...that night I woke up a-and...she-" his voice cracked and he whimpered. I tightened my grip on him, "I understand, you don't need to say anymore." I could hear him breath out a 'thank you' against my chest. I remember hearing about Alto's past as an agent, about him going MIA for a few months and then suddenly returning, refusing to tell anyone about what happened. It wasn't long before people began to spread rumors of what they think happened, especially when Meri came into The Foundation's protection.
"Was Meri...?" I hesitantly asked, he let out a sigh and nodded, "She was the only good thing to come out of all this...I didn't want to have her suffer, I didn't know she'd be....it's all my fault I-" He started breathing heavily, I had to gently but firmly hold his hands to keep them from drawing blood as they attempted to tighten their grip on his shoulders. "You didn't know," I assured him, "It's not your fault, Alto, you did everything you could to help her." I repeatedly whispered to him until he finally gave in and relaxed his muscles, but didn't back away from my chest.
"You're an amazing father, and such a strong, brave man." Clef looked up at me with a look I could compare to a confused, sad puppy but before he could question me I continued, "I know how hard it is to tell anyone about these things, worrying that no one could possibly believe you, but despite everything, you let yourself become vulnerable and that in itself takes real strength." I smiled at him and though he attempted a smile back, all he could manage was a half-sob half-laugh as his arms dropped from his shoulders and clung onto me.
We stayed like this for several more minutes, which I didn't mind in the slightest, but I knew that eventually he would need to leave so I could report on my other patients. Evidently, he was also aware as he let me go and began to collect himself. Neither of us said a word as I returned to my desk, shifted my papers to cover up the dent he had made in my desk. He was surprisingly quick to recover from his weakened state, an effect of having to remain composed under pressure most likely.
"Oh, by the way, Shrinky Dink," He smirked in my direction as he headed out the door, "you tell anyone about what happened, I'm gonna have to kill ya, understood?"
"My lips are sealed, Doctor." I laughed and made a zipping motion over my mouth.
This was going to be a long journey of healing for him, but I have faith in him and will be there for him no matter what.