Work Text:
“I love you, but I can’t do it.”
The words played over and over in Carina’s head on her way to work. She loved Maya so deeply with every part of her, but at that moment, it was taking everything in her not to hate Maya. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Before they were even married, Maya expressed that her thoughts on having children didn’t exactly align with hers. So it shouldn’t be any surprise how they ended up where they were. Still, every time Carina heard those eight words in her head, her heart shattered into a million little pieces, and she wanted to collapse along with them.
But that wasn’t an option.
Instead, Carina dove straight into work. Anything that would busy her mind, even doing the scut usually reserved for interns. She thought dealing with all the tedious paperwork while watching new parents glow over their little miracles of life would rub some of their happiness onto her, but all it did was crush her spirit more than it already was. There was a good chance she would never experience that joy herself, and it made her jealous of those new parents instead of happy for them.
“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Jo said, running up to Carina. “Mrs. Donner’s contractions are getting closer together, but she isn’t quite dilated all the way. So I’d say twenty more minutes, and we are there.”
Carina watched Jo as she spoke, but she couldn’t understand anything she was saying for some reason. She felt like she was in a fog, but she kept listening, hoping something would click.
“Are you okay, Dr.Deluca?”
“Sorry, what?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m- Yeah. I think you can handle the delivery on your own. I’m just going to double-check all these charts.” She pointed down to the tablet in her hand.
“Is something wrong with them?”
“Uh, not re- Just double-checking.”
“What is going on?”
“I just can’t deal with happy mamas and their perfect little babies right now.” Carina’s lip started to tremble, and she cursed herself in her head. She told herself she wouldn’t cry at work, and here she was on the verge of tears within the first hour. “But I’m fine, really. Go, help the patient.”
“I don’t think you are fine. You are hiding out doing scut, and, well, you look like you are about to cry.”
“You should go check on the patient.”
That is how the entire workday went. Carina being called to something and her delegating it to someone below her or doing the job absent-mindedly. At least until she dealt with a complicated patient, one she had no choice but to be there for the delivery. The mom-to-be was already high risk, and she knew it would be too much to pass off to a resident or intern.
Since nothing in her day was going as planned, it wasn’t a surprise when the patient started going into cardiac arrest during labor. But, it was all a blur to Carina. Rushing to the OR, performing an emergency c section while the mom was operated on. All of it seemed to happen out of muscle memory, not Carina controlling her own movements or thoughts.
After Carina’s shift was over, she sat in the attendings room, staring off into space. She didn’t want to be at work anymore, but she couldn’t pick up her feet to go home. Knowing there was a possible fight waiting for her at home made the stale room seem like the best place in Seattle. It’s not like she wanted to argue. She wasn’t even mad at Maya anymore, just disappointed. Carina didn’t have much of any emotion left. She just felt raw and beaten, even though she and Maya never had a proper fight, and she didn’t openly talk about what she was going through with anyone. Then, just as Carina was starting to work up the courage to leave, Teddy walked in.
“Hey, tough day, huh?”
“What do you mean?” Panic shot through her body. How could people already know her wife didn’t want to have children with her?
“The patient who went into cardiac distress during labor.” Teddy looked Carina up and down, picking up on a bigger issue. “Maybe you had a rough day in more than one way, though. You okay?”
“I’m good.” Carina didn’t even fool herself with the weak response. “I’m good.” Somehow the second attempt was less compelling than the first, and she had to bite her lip to hold in a cry.
“Carina, what’s going on?” Teddy sat next to her on the couch and pulled her in for a side hug, only making her fully break down. “Is it about work?” Carina shook her head no. “Maya?” A nod. “Are you two okay?”
“I love Maya. I know she loves me too- That’s not the issue.”
“She didn’t cheat again, did she? I swear I will march down to the station and take on firefighter barbie for you. I know she is all muscly and works out because of fire things, but I was in the military; I can get down if I need to.”
“No. No, she didn’t do anything.” Carina laughed at the thought and knew Maya would win the fight, no question. “No one did anything. She just doesn’t want kids.” Saying it out loud for the first time brought back all the pain from the morning back, and she couldn’t hold in her crying anymore.
“Oh. You’ve been married almost a year, and you just found out?”
“Yeah, we kind of rushed into things, but we had to for us to be able to stay together.” She managed to get out between cries. “Actually, before we even got married, it was kind of brought up, but I don’t know. We both ignored it, I guess.”
“So I’m guessing you really want kids.”
Carina nodded before taking a deep breath.
“When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and be just like my mama. Back home in Italy, people used to say I was her mini version. I would mimic the way she moved around the house, dancing to old Italian music while she cleaned. A lot of her little things I still do. I always imagined passing those things down to my children, like teaching them how to make pasta from scratch or fixing their hair before school, just like how my mama did mine and Andrea’s. I always said I would raise my children just like my mama raised me, except I would make extra sure to do the things she did wrong right. And I did. I waited until I found a wonderful relationship built on love and trust and just- I love Maya so much. My parents never had what we have. That’s why I am ready. But I guess I was dreaming too big, imagining I could do it all or have it all or whatever the saying is.”
“So, it’s a Maya or a baby?”
“No! It’s not even a choice. I love Maya. What we have is so rare and special. I could never just throw it away because I don’t get my way on something. I just have to accept not getting my dream. And I told her that. I told her I would learn to accept not having children if that’s what she decided.”
The two sat in silence for a moment while Teddy processed everything. “Did you tell her all the other stuff you told me?”
“No.”
“You should try. I think you two are a great couple. But, you need to tell her how you feel. Obviously, she knows you want a baby; that’s why you are here right now, but tell her what you told me. I’ve been rooting for you two from the start. But, if you don’t talk it all the way out, this will cause bigger issues down the line. That’s the worse way for a beautiful love story to end.”
“Thank you, Teddy.”
“I know if you saw me having a breakdown you would be there for me.”
“No, really, thank you. Since Andrea- I don’t have that many people to talk to.”
“You always have me. Honestly, I’m here for you. Have a good night.”
Carina sat in the empty room for a few minutes to collect herself. She knew that she had to have a clear head going home if she wanted her night to go smoothly. On the car ride home, Carina just kept thinking to herself, stay calm, just tell Maya how you feel, if she still doesn’t come around, it’s okay. We will get through it.
She was surprised to see Andy rushing towards her the second she walked through the door.
“Hi.”
“She’s in the bathroom right now. Looks like she’s been drinking all day. There are bottles all over the kitchen.”
“What do you mean looks like? Wasn’t she at the bar with you?” Carina asked as she set down her things and pulled off her shoes.
“She never showed up. But Carina, I’ve never seen her this bad. I almost feel like she needs to go to the hospital.”
Before she even realized it, Carina was running to the bathroom. Her breath hitched when she laid eyes on her wife. It looked like Andy had managed to get Maya in the tub to stop her from making any more of a mess than she already had, but she was lying there unconscious. Her face was stained with tears and mascara, and her hair and clothes were covered in her own vomit.
“How the hell did this even happen?” Carina mumbled, though mostly to herself. She kneeled down next to Maya and stroked the hair out of her face. “Andy, you are a first responder. You know how to deal with these situations. Why didn’t you do something?”
“I just got here. What do you want me to do?”
“Shit, Maya. Everything is going to be alright. I got you.” Carina turned back to Andy, who was standing in the doorway waiting for any instruction. “She is breathing; that’s good. What do we do? We take her to Grey Sloan, pump her stomach. I- I- I don’t know. How long has she been out?” Andy shrugged at her. “Fuck!” Carina kicked the door frame, not even fazed by the pain. Then knelt down next to Maya again, whispering apologies in her ear.
”Should I call the aid car?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want everyone to see Maya like this. She already thinks her career path is ruined, this… No.”
Without another word, Carina lifted Maya up from the tub from under her arms. Her heart sank when she felt Maya’s limp body in her arms, there was no reaction to her getting moved at all. Carina never considered herself that strong, but a surge of adrenaline helped her drag Maya out onto the bathroom floor. Then rested Maya up against the wall, so if she had to be sick anymore, she wouldn’t choke.
“Are we driving her?”
“I don’t know. I just need a second.” She said as she was crouched over Maya, almost sitting in her lap with both feet on either side of Maya’s body.
Carina tried to control her breathing as her mind raced. What was the best way to help Maya right now?
Any evaluation that came to mind Carina did. Did Maya have a pulse? Yes. Was she breathing? Yes. Eyes! Check her eyes. Carina thought to herself. She took out the flashlight on her phone and saw that everything responded appropriately. As each check proved that Maya was a little more and a little more okay, Carina took a minute to just watch Maya. Then, while watching her unconscious wife, a sense of guilt washed over her.
Maya must have been hurting in a way she didn’t know how to cope with to let herself get to this state. Sure she was always down to party or drown her sorrows in liquor, but control was always her biggest thing. Maya wouldn’t ever let herself get out of control. But, obviously, something had changed, and she had lost it at some point.
“What the hell happened between you two?”
“What?”
“I know Maya drinks away her feelings when they get too much for her, but since she met you, that hasn’t really happened. So what the hell did you do to get her like this. I’ve never ever seen her like this.”
“Get out of my home.”
“She is my best friend. I have just as much a right to help her through this.”
“Get out of my home!” Carina stood up and pointed in the direction of the front door. “This is not the time to place blame. Maya needs our help, and if you can’t do that, you can go, and I will help my wife on my own.”
“I will help, but I want to know what’s going on. If you should even be a part of this. Maybe you should be the one getting kicked out for all I know!”
“We had a disagreement. It wasn’t even a full fight. But Maya possibly having alcohol poisoning should be the main focus. Now, if you are going to help hold her head while I trigger her gag reflex.”
Andy wanted to press her more on the situation but realized now wasn’t the time. She kneeled down on the floor and held Maya up in a sitting position as Carina pushed her fingers to the back of her throat.
As Maya coughed everything up, she regained partial consciousness for a moment, mumbling something neither Andy nor Carina could make out before drifting back off. Carina let out a deep breath she had been holding the second she laid eyes on Maya. Even though she passed out again, her attempt to talk was something.
“Do you think she is okay? Like should we still get her to Grey Sloan?”
“Can you help me get her back in the tub so I can clean her up?” Carina avoided Andy’s question. Honestly, she still didn’t know what to do. She was still in a fog from their morning, and this only added to it. None of this felt real, or it all felt too real. It was hard to tell the difference between the two feelings.
With Maya safe in the tub, Carina cleaned up the bathroom floor and asked Andy to wait outside the bathroom in case she needed her again. Then, Carina undressed her and immediately threw Maya’s clothes in the wash, along with the floor mats that were possibly ruined. When everything was settled, she turned back to Maya and wondered how things got so out of hand.
She turned on the tap and washed Maya’s hair first. She gave Maya a head massage while she sang old Italian songs, the ones that always helped soothed Maya. Carina gave her a little hair treatment and even used her special soaps, the ones she normally scolded Maya for using. There wasn’t room for anything but love and care right now. Then, once her hair was finished, Carina moved onto the rest of Maya’s body, making sure to be gentle and show her as much love she could on the off chance Maya would feel her presence or remember any of this.
As Carina washed Maya’s face, she was extra sure to not get any soap or water in her eyes, which was hard to do with the runny mascara, even though Maya was passed out and wouldn’t feel it. When she was done, Carina placed a tender kiss on the top of Maya’s head.
“I’m sorry, Bambina. We will be okay. Everything will be okay.” She didn’t know if she was talking to herself or to Maya. But both could use reassurance.
Carina wrapped a towel around Maya before asking Andy’s help in moving her to the bedroom. It was enough that Andy had to see Maya at one of her lowest points; she didn’t want Maya to be completely naked and vulnerable in front of her too.
When Maya was laid out on the bed, Carina asked Andy to leave again to dress her in a pair of night shorts and a t-shirt and change into something more comfortable herself. When she was done with that, she asked Andy to come back in and help get Maya under the covers. She propped a pillow under one of Maya’s sides in case she was sick anymore and so she wouldn’t choke in her sleep. Carina knew she wouldn’t be leaving Maya’s side anytime soon, but she didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks.
Andy watched from the doorway once Maya was all settled in. She was still suspicious of Carina even though she didn’t know the full story and saw how well Maya was being cared for.
Carina brought in a chair from the dining area. She planned to camp out by Maya's side until she was certain she was okay. “If you want to just relax and watch TV now, that is fine. I should be able to take care of her, and I can just call out if I need you.”
Andy didn’t move. She stayed in her spot, leaning against the door frame. Making sure to watch Carina’s every move. “What the hell happened?”
“You saw her before I did. I just got off work.” Carina didn’t pick up on the hostility in Andy’s voice. Instead, her eyes were glued to Maya.
“No, between you two. And don’t try to say that nothing happened because I know something did.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“If it’s not, why won’t you just say it? I’m not going to leave you alone about it. It’s my job to protect her.”
“Mine too.”
Andy didn’t have to say anything. The look she gave Carina was more than enough; words would only push it over the edge and could potentially get her kicked out.
“It wasn’t even a real fight, Andy. Yes, we were frustrated with each other, and we disagreed, but that was it. When I left for work, I wasn’t expecting her to end up like this. If I were to guess this morning who would be puking in the bathroom by the end of the night, I would have picked me.”
“What did you disagree on.”
Carina pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to hold in her frustration, and let out a long sigh.
“I understand you are trying to be a good friend, and I appreciate that Maya has people like you in her life. But I don’t have to tell you all our personal stuff. If Maya wants to tell you that is her choice, but you don’t get to expect that from me.”
“I am just trying to understand what happened. You are saying you are fine, it was just a disagreement, but it obviously meant a lot more to Maya.” Andy’s tone was cold. As if she were accusing Carina of not taking Maya’s feelings seriously.
“Babies. I want a baby, and she... That is what we talked about this morning.” There was no emotion in her voice. “Maya said she couldn’t have a baby, and I left for work. Nothing big happened.” Then, almost in a whisper to herself, “we aren’t having a baby.” As the words left Carina’s mouth, she felt a pit build up in her throat, and her vision went blurry. Admitting it out loud for the first time gave it weight and the realization set in. They weren’t having a baby.
Sure, Carina had sulked in Maya’s words all day, but a part of her, deep down, expected Maya to come around to the idea eventually. But this just proved she couldn’t push it anymore. She couldn’t risk the woman she loved for a child, no matter how badly she wanted to be a mom.
“Excuse me.” Carina covered her face as she walked to the bathroom. “Can you keep an eye on her for a minute?”
Carina locked herself away in the bathroom, safe away from Andy’s judgmental eyes, and covered her mouth with a towel as she let out all her emotions pour out. Knowing that she played a part in Maya’s pain, the stress from dealing with Maya, then mourned the dream she would never get to live; all of it needed to be released.
She would never debate Maya over baby names or watch Maya panic over whether the paint on the wall was safe for children, just in case it somehow ended in the kids' mouths. There would be no midnight nudges telling each other it was their turn to soothe the baby back to sleep or teaching them how to ride a bike because Maya would definitely make sure the kid learned all the ways to play outside.
All of that would stay a dream. The good and the bad. And that’s the part that hurt Carina the most. She knew Maya would make an amazing mother. She was already extremely protective of the people she loved, and Carina saw how good she was with Pru. It was one thing if she thought Maya had even the possibility of being a shit mom, but she was giving up on something that could be amazing.
Carina didn’t know how long she had been crying before Andy knocked on the door.
“Maya is kind of awake. She is kind of talking to herself. I don’t know what she is saying.”
It took Carina a few minutes to compose herself and open the door, but Andy was standing directly in front of it when she did. Her eyes went from being cold to sorry.
Carina could tell Andy wanted to comfort her somehow, but they never had that kind of relationship, and she didn’t know how. Maya was her main focus anyways, and she stepped past Andy and ran right to Maya’s side, stroking damp hair out of her face.
“Hey Bambina, everything is okay.”
“Carina?” It was hard to understand, but Maya was asking for her wife.
“Yes, it’s me. You… I’m not sure what you did, but it’s okay.” A set of fresh tears ran down her face as she turned to Andy, “Do you mind grabbing her a glass of water? Oh, Maya, Andy is here too. We are both here for you. We got you.”
Maya went to speak again, but her throat was too sore from all the alcohol, and then it coming back up. Surely she was dehydrated too.
Andy came running back into the room with the water and passed it over to Carina before taking a few steps back. She wanted to be there for Maya but realized Carina and Maya needed each other more than anything right now. She was fine watching from the sidelines.
“Here, drink this.” Maya kept her eyes closed as Carina held the glass up to her lips. “Put your hands on it so you can feel and it doesn’t spill.” The second Maya got her hands on the glass, the water spilled everywhere. “Silly. I said not to spill.” Carina laughed and stroked Maya’s head before setting the glass on the nightstand.
The few sips Maya managed to get down did help her throat a bit, and she tried to speak again, but it was still difficult, and the groggy state she was in didn’t help.
“Shhh, it’s okay. Your body needs to rest anyways. We can talk later.”
Andy left the room while Carina crawled into bed. She replaced the pillow propping the side of Maya up with her own body, and pulled her close so they were flush against one another.
The two laid in silence for what felt like hours. Just holding on tight and crying. They both had a lot to get out of. Then, at some point, Maya fell back asleep. At first, Carina was worried it was from the effects of the alcohol still coursing through her blood but concluded it was merely sleep. Much needed sleep she should be getting herself.
When morning came, Carina was woken up by Maya cuddling into her chest and whispering something she couldn’t quite understand.
She opened her eyes and saw Maya’s face buried in her chest as she clung to any part of Carina that she could get. As she listened closer, she was able to make out that Maya was repeatedly apologizing, over and over and over again.
“Hey, what are you talking about.”
“Don’t leave. I’m sorry.”
Carina tried to pull away from Maya’s grip to get a better look at her face, but that only made Maya hold on tighter. “Please don’t leave me, please. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Don’t go, please.”
“I’m right here. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry.”
Carina pulled Maya in tight and let her cry into her chest. She stroked Maya’s hair and whispered in her ear, encouraging her to let everything out, her own tears spilling out as well. It seemed like Maya didn’t remember anything from the night before.
When Maya had calmed down, Carina loosened her grip and looked into Maya’s beautiful big blue eyes. “Hi, Bella. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
“I thought you left.”
“What do you mean? I went to work, but you knew that.”
“No, I thought you left me.” Her blue eyes avoided looking up at her wife. A little embarrassed and still a little scared, it was true.
“Why would you think that? We had a disagreement. That doesn’t mean I am gone.” Carina said as she pushed the loose strands of hair out away from Maya’s face, trying to look into her eyes.
“You didn’t say it.”
“What?”
“When you left, you didn’t say it.” Maya’s eyes filled with water again as she watched Carina carefully, scared the wrong step would scare her back out of her arms. “I told you how I felt. I said I loved you, and you didn’t say it back. You just left. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it in the first place. I didn’t want to disappoint you and you to leave me.”
Carina’s heart sank to her stomach. She thought the whole thing was about babies and didn’t even consider her own actions. They had a rule about saying I love you after an argument. Even though it didn’t spiral into screaming, Carina knew she should have said it back. It being more of a disagreement full of emotion, she should have known better. Especially knowing Maya had only known conditional love before. She had been teaching Maya unconditional love and stopped when it could have been one of the biggest learning moments for Maya.
Her thumb stroked Maya’s cheek. “Bambina, I love you so so so much. I’m sorry. I’m not going anywhere. I am sorry I made you think I was.” Carina paused, watching to see if it was alright to bring it back up. “Even if we don’t have babies, I will always love you. I’m not going to force you into something you can’t do.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, stop apologizing.”
“You want to be a mom so bad.”
“Yeah, but not if I can’t have you too. You are one of the main reasons I want to have kids. I want to raise them with you. The love you and I share is… magical. It felt wrong to keep it to ourselves. I don’t want to pressure you into something you don’t feel is right for you. But please, I want to understand how you feel about everything. I think we should both put everything in the counter-”
“On the table.” Maya smiled, starting to feel like herself again.
“Yes, on the table, and then see where we go from there. Because if we both hold onto how we feel, then in a few years, we will still be holding onto those feelings, which could turn into resentment, and I never want to feel that way towards you. Whatever decision we make, I want to talk through everything to see how we get there. We say both of our good and bads about having a kid, ensuring we are okay with what we choose. How does that sound?”
“We are okay?”
“Yes, we are more than okay.” Carina sealed her words with a kiss. Nothing too passionate but enough to show Maya her words were true.
Maya let out a sigh of relief; she felt like she could properly breathe for the first time in over almost a week. She didn’t have to avoid the baby talk anymore in fear she would disappoint Carina. Something that she forgot over a few weeks of dogging questions was that she was always safe with Carina. No matter how she felt or what she did, Carina would always be there for her. Then Maya felt silly for ever thinking otherwise.
“Do you work today?”
“No. You want to spend the day together?”
“Please. But take things a little slow with me. I still have a little bit of a headache.”
“Just a little bit? I’m surprised.” Carina laughed. “Yes, a nice relaxing day sounds like a good idea. But before we move on from everything, can I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“When you said I got married for you, so you tried to think about babies for me, what did you mean by that?”
Maya took a deep breath, thinking about the right way to word everything, but looking into Carina’s loving eyes made her nervous, and she just stared back into them, not saying a word. Carina hummed and nudged her a bit to pull Maya out of her head and vocalize what was racing through her head.
“I know you say you didn’t do it for me. I know you love me and everything, but you did.” She sat up before she could see Carina react in any way. “We did. We got married because I couldn’t see us working any other way. And you do so much for me. You took me back even though I broke your trust, you moved in with me, and then you got married for me. I wanted to give you something back, but- I’m sorry.”
“No. You don’t have to pay me back with a baby. This is not a bank, Maya; we don’t work on transactions. Everything I do for or with you is because I want to. Sure, I make compromises sometimes, but that’s just what you do in a relationship. You don’t need to keep track of everything like that and try to give back somehow or expect me to make something up to you later. That’s not how our love works. I know that is how you were raised, but please, Bambina, don’t treat us like that. Our love is unconditional, which means you don’t have to earn my love. We just love, okay?”
“You do so much for me.”
“That is because I love you, not because I expect something later. And I want you to know I got married for us. For you and me. I married you because I wanted to, and these last ten months have been the happiest of my life. It was never that I didn’t want to marry you; I was just scared. Okay?”
“Okay. Can you tell me you love me again?”
“I love you so much, Amore mio. So much.”
Silence filled the room as Maya cuddled into Carina’s chest. A smile spread across her face when Carina started to play with her hair. Both of their nerves had settled even though another large conversation waited for them in the future. At least they knew no matter what, they would be okay.