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Euphoria: a state of extreme ecstasy.
Feelings. Wen Kexing wanted to kill his own.
He wondered how it 'feels' to not feel at all; to think of people he lost and not mourn, to remember the past and not resent, to live the present and not fear, to glance at the future and not despair, to look at his soulmate's scars and not grieve with tears.
Emotions. They were a blessing and a curse.
Wen Kexing suddenly wanted to strip his heart of every feeling and every emotion as he traced light fingers over A-Xu's scars. Burn scars, blade scars, bullet scars, whip scars; on his chest, on his back, over his shoulders, along his arms and around his wrists... Scars that A-Xu probably forgot how each one of them felt, the wounds he never had the chance to mend.
Wen Kexing wanted to cry, and he did. He cried until his tears dried out and his eyes were glazed with years' worth of longing and grief. He then smiled through the bitterness, trying to relieve himself with memories of the blossoms by Four Seasons Manor, the blue skies, Zhen Yan's laughter, and...
He took a deep breath, shaking away the new tears forming in his eyes. He wished he could feel A-Xu's pain, maybe he'd know how to soothe it, or maybe he'd transfer some to himself. He would, he was willing to take all the pain, every speck of it, if he could...
He was lucky, but A-Xu wasn't. He'd been searching for him for years, all of his plans are for him, his schemes and his plots, all for A-Xu, to find A-Xu... And now that A-Xu's is lured into his heart, how could he ever let him go? How could he lose him again?
He sighed and continued to dress A-Xu in the bright blue color Wen Kexing remembered A-Xu always loved. He pulled the blanket slowly over A-Xu's chest and stared longer, at the flushed face and faint smile on his lips, the smile that never withered and still could re-appear despite all those years of emotionless pain.
He wanted to get up and leave A-Xu to sleep, yet couldn't help but stare longer, and he fought himself a hundred battles before surrendering down to kiss his forehead a tender, silent kiss.
"Lao Wen..." A-Xu whispered, feeling Wen Kexing's lips on his skin when the nails punished him with another shock of pain.
"A-Xu..." Wen Kexing backed away, covering his lips bashfully, feeling caught.
"Lao Wen..." A-Xu called again, dazed and in pain. "I had a dream... Lao Wen, I had a dream..." He smiled and winced when the nails felt his smile. He never thought he'd be able to dream again.
"A dream...?"
"I haven't had a dream in a long, long time..." A-Xu sat up slowly and Wen Kexing fixed a pillow behind his back, "I don't remember the last time I had a dream, Lao Wen... I dreamt of home... of my shifu... and someone else... I don't remember his face..."
"Home?" Wen Kexing asked, eyes twinkling with hope, "Where...?"
"Four Seasons Manor... Home. My shifu and Jiuxiao! And... and someone else... in my dream." A-Xu licked his lips, trying to recall the face in his dream, "We were by the lake, playing by the water... I-I don't remember his face..."
Wen Kexing wanted to tell A-Xu that this isn't just a dream, that this is a true memory, a beautiful memory that he'd lost, that they made him lose, a memory they snatched right out of his heart. But then he found himself speechless, cowering again behind his fear and regret.
"A-Xu dearest, it's alright." Wen Kexing nodded, holding A-Xu's hand. "Don't try so hard, the nails will hurt more and you'll lose control of your emotions and pass out again..."
"Lose control...?" A-Xu paused, his eyes widened as he replayed the previous scenes in his head, "Lao Wen... I- I apologize... I don't know what happened to me... I never acted that way before."
"I know, I understand." Wen Kexing looked away, "I know you didn't mean it... It was just a kiss, it's nothing."
"A kiss..." A-Xu glanced down, touching his lips to reminisce the feeling, the strange sensation... Wen Kexing's soft lips, the wetness of his mouth and the sweetness of the wine, the sound of his own heartbeats ringing in his ears, Wen Kexing's hands around his neck, in his hair, his warm breath against his skin...
"Yes."
"But... Why did I do that?" A-Xu asked genuinely, his eyes begging for explanations, "You said I felt jealous, but why? Why did I feel jealous? Why did I kiss you?" He shook his head, "It doesn't make sense."
Wen Kexing sighed a broken breath, "I don't know why you kissed me... but why doesn't it make sense? Is it because I'm a man?"
"No! Kissing happens when two people are matched to marry and-" A-Xu stopped, again remembering Jin Wang's instructions and the matchmaker, suddenly feeling disgust at the thought of marrying, touching, kissing another person, other than Wen Kexing. Man or woman or genderless, it didn't matter. "It doesn't make sense!" A-Xu talked to himself.
"Not everything has to make sense."
"Lao Wen, why am I feeling like this? What are these emotions? I don't understand... I don't want them, they meddle with my head!" A-Xu touched his clothes, "Blue... This is illegal... Is it the blue?"
"Rest, A-Xu. You need rest." Wen Kexing stood up to leave, taking no more of this sensitive conversation. He didn't know how to explain to A-Xu why people kiss, or what people feel to want to kiss, or why people feel jealous and then kiss after. What if he was wrong? What if A-Xu didn't feel what Wen Kexing hoped he felt? A-Xu was already regretting it and Wen Kexing couldn't assume.
A-Xu grabbed Wen Kexing, pulling him to stay. "Why do people kiss?" He asked.
"It's what lovers do." Wen Kexing simply replied.
A-Xu had read about love and lovers, what love makes people do, how they'd kill to have it or leave it, how it destroys kingdoms and empires. He had read about Romeo and Juliet, how they fought the world and then died for each other, with each other- and he felt nothing... But now he looked at Wen Kexing and he couldn't bear the thought of him dying.
His heart ached at the unwanted thoughts and the nails collided with the innate emotions, granting him another bolt of pain. "What is love?" He heard himself asking.
Wen Kexing sat back down, playing with the ends of his hair, losing his bravery to A-Xu's eyes. "Haven't you read about it?"
"Yes, but I don't know how it feels... I feel things but I don't know what they are, Lao Wen..."
"Love has many ways and depths." Wen Kexing stated, "Acceptance, friendliness, trust, kindness, devotion, adoration, infatuation... They all fall under love."
"Telling me names of other emotions doesn't help!" A-Xu snapped. "Explain to me!"
"Frustration." Wen Kexing didn't even flinch, he only smiled, "What you feel now, is frustration, defeat..."
"Give me a pen and paper."
"What?"
"Pen and paper."
Wen Kexing didn't ask further, he just went to the drawer and fetched a small notebook, pulling out a pen from his own jacket. "Here." He handed them to A-Xu, watching him carefully.
A-Xu clicked the pen and scribbled down the all the emotions he'd felt until now, asking Wen Kexing for correction if he mistook one of them for the other. He wrote down all of the words he learnt, until he reached the last one. Love. He tapped the pen on the paper, lifting it to his chin and then placing it down, closing the notebook.
"Why did you stop?" Wen Kexing asked, "I told you what it is just now..."
"You didn't." A-Xu refuted, "You said kissing is what lovers do." A-Xu repeated, "I kissed you."
Wen Kexing gaped, "A-Xu, you lost control and acted on impulse..."
"I must love you." A-Xu concluded, "I felt jealous when someone else touched you, I kissed you. I must love you, am I right?"
"A-Xu..." Wen Kexing backed away, smiling nervously. "It's not that simple... This can't be taken lightly."
"Are we lovers?"
"A-Xu..." Wen Kexing wanted to dig a hole and bury himself away from this conversation. "We are not lovers." Yet.
"What makes us lovers?"
"Love... When two hearts beat the same."
"Stop with your riddles!" A-Xu slammed the notebook on the bed, impatient. "Wen Kexing! I might lack the heart but I don't lack the brain, do not play with words."
Wen Kexing remained calm, he held his breath and thought for a while before he found some decent words to say, "Love is when you look at someone and see better days, when you put the world on hold just to kiss them or hold their hand, when you show them your darkest side without fear... It's when you grieve for their pain and rejoice for their happiness... "
"Oh."
"... It's different for everyone, but it knows no limits or boundaries, no gender, no time, no rules..."
Zhou Zishu listened in fascination, applying Wen Kexing's words to his own heart. He gazed at him and saw a future in his eyes. He couldn't stand to see him frown and it made him smile whenever he smiled despite the agonizing shocks of pain. He would stop time to hold him and abandon reality to taste his lips again. He was already here, dressed in blue and asking about love, while leaving everything he ever lived for far behind. Was that not enough to prove that his heart beats again?
"A-Xu?" Wen Kexing watched A-Xu staring at him, "Why are you looking at me this way?"
Maybe feelings were sins and love was hell, but Zhou Zishu was willing to burn. "What if I feel all these towards someone? Does it mean I love them?"
Wen Kexing stiffened, tearing his gaze away. "I don't know what's in your heart, A-Xu. I can't tell you how you feel."
"Lao Wen," Zhou Zishu leaned closer, enduring the pain in his chest, unable to fight the fiery desire of being close to Wen Kexing. He lifted his hand to Wen Kexing's chin and turned his face towards him slowly, stroking his bottom lightly, "Talk to me like lovers do."
It was one of the seven impossible's to render Wen Kexing speechless, but now that A-Xu was here, it became a daily struggle to speak the right words. "A-Xu..." He managed to whisper, drowning himself in the new depth of A-Xu's eyes. He could feel it, the ice over A-Xu's heart thawing away. He could sense the unfamiliar warmth in his touch, the sincerity in his voice and the shift of color in his eyes.
"Do I love you?" A-Xu asked, flinching again at the pain.
"I don't know..." Wen Kexing's voice was quieter than a whisper, "I don't dare answer for your heart."
Zhou Zishu's patience vanished and he pulled Wen Kexing towards him, taking his lips between his, feeling the softness and the wetness and the sweetness all over again and he never wanted to stop. He pushed him back on the bed and entangled his fingers in Wen Kexing's hair, pulling his head forward, kissing him harder, feeling his tongue and the deepest corners of his mouth, tasting pleasure he never had before.
Wen Kexing moaned into Zhou Zishu's mouth and Zhou Zishu almost lost his sanity to Wen Kexing's needy melodies. He quickly backed away and stared at Wen Kexing's already messed up hair and shiny lips, his pupils shifting between his face and his neck, "I don't know why I like seeing you like this... touching you like this, kissing you like this."
"Desire." Wen Kexing panted, wasting no time in explaining to A-Xu what he feels.
The pain in Zhou Zishu's chest doubled and tripled but he ignored it. He tightened his grip in Wen Kexing's hair and tilted his head backwards, a bit roughly, sinking down to spread kisses all over his neck, tearing the shirt away with his other hand, biting and licking over the bites until Wen Kexing's neck and shoulders and collar-bones were bruised with not enough reds and purples.
"Ah..." Wen Kexing moaned again, his hands searching for A-Xu's buttons, "A-Xu..."
Zhou Zishu grabbed Wen Kexing's hand and guided it to his pants, proceeding to kiss him breathlessly. He shuddered when Wen Kexing's hand finally touched him, his body boiling with desire he just learnt he possessed. He wanted Wen Kexing this way, in every way, he wanted his body to be his, to mark him and claim him and threaten anyone who comes near him.
"A-Xu..." Wen Kexing spoke into A-Xu's lips, his palm creating wonders down on A-Xu's lower body, "Let me have you in my mouth..."
"Wen Kexing, you'll be the death of me." Zhou Zishu whispered, voice hoarse, meaning every word. He pulled himself up so his lower body was facing Wen Kexing's mouth, his fingers still entangled in his hair. He made sure Wen Kexing's mouth was wide open before he shoved himself all the way in without warning. "Fuck..." He spoke, pressing a hand to calm the pain in his own chest.
"Ah.. hmmphh.." Wen Kexing furrowed his brows and glanced up, taking A-Xu in as deeper and as longer as he could. He placed one hand on A-Xu's thigh and another at the base of his body, taking the initiative to suck and lick on his own without A-Xu's guidance.
"I can't stop." A-Xu admitted, pushing Wen Kexing's head closer to him until his whole cock was buried in Wen Kexing's mouth, "What is this feeling... Ah..." He asked rhetorically, watching the bulge moving in and out of Wen Kexing's throat.
"Hmpph.." Wen Kexing closed his eyes, squeezing the tears out from their corners as he continued to suck and whimper and moan around A-Xu's cock.
"Look at me." Zhou Zishu pulled out half way and Wen Kexing opened his eyes, "Look at me while you do it."
Wen Kexing looked up at A-Xu, unblinking and unswerving despite the tears gathering in his eyes, his own cock was leaking but A-Xu's came first, spilling everything right down his throat.
Zhou Zishu shivered, keeping himself in Wen Kexing's mouth until the last drop before he finally pulled out. He steadied himself with a hand on the bed, the other still pressed on the excruciating pain in his chest. He panted, watching Wen Kexing cough and wipe his tears, lick his lips and then cough again. For some reason, Zhou Zishu felt relieved, satisfied, that now Lao Wen was partially his.
"A-Xu..." Wen Kexing called, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, voice raspy from all the stimulation.
Zhou Zishu caressed Wen Kexing's cheek soothingly, dabbing the sneaky tears away, "Lao Wen... I don't know how I feel, I just know you are mine." He kissed him again, "and you can't be someone else's. I can't stand anyone touching you, I can't see you giving anyone the slightest bit of attention. It burns from within, do you understand?"
"You too." Wen Kexing whispered, hesitant, "You belong to me."
"Is this what lovers say?"
Wen Kexing smiled and he knew A-Xu understood. He then glanced at A-Xu's hand still pressed to his chest, "Do they hurt...?" He asked softly, already knowing the answer.
Zhou Zishu embraced Wen Kexing against his chest, maybe his presence would numb the pain. "The nails have no mercy." He said, but kept the rest of the secret to himself.
Wen Kexing woke up but A-Xu wasn't near. He searched between the sheets and around the room, yet found no trace of him at all. "A-Xu?" He called but got no answer.
He slid off the bed and pulled the thin blanket over his shoulders, walked few steps and felt something under his feet. He crouched down and picked up the notebook, flipping curiously through its pages.
Nothing changed, nothing torn, nothing added or scratched, except a name. A name written multiple times, changed, scratched and re-written.
Zhen Yan.
Wen Kexing threw the notebook back down like it was hot coal burning his fingertips. He shook his head in fear and denial, wrapping the blanket tighter around his shaking body. He wasn't ready, not yet...
He looked out the window and it was raining, the raindrops shimmering under the half-hidden moon. He suddenly questioned fate, why it was so hard on him, on his A-Xu, on his parents, on his shifu...
He could never forget that cursed day. Smoke and fire and blood and debris and gunshot sounds, how A-Xu's hand was ripped away from his own, how they kidnapped A-Xu away and Wen Kexing was so weak and so helpless. He couldn't protect his parents nor his shifu nor A-Xu... If A-Xu knew, he would never love him back, with emotions or without.
He paced along the hallway, his heart dreading the unknown with each step, but Gu Xiang suddenly appeared and half of the sorrows vanished away. "A-Xiang, why are you drenched?" He asked playfully, pushing the horrible thoughts back into the depths of his mind.
"We were playing in the rain!" She beamed.
"Kids..." He shook his head, "How's our prisoner?"
"That Han Ying? Still not talking... He's a rock." She frowned, "Not now ge, let me be happy and carefree for a while..." She skipped past Wen Kexing and he let her.
He found some wine and he wanted to drink until dawn, convincing himself that A-Xu had already regretted what happened or maybe already left, but before he could sip the first drops, he heard laughter. Laughter he'd never heard before.
He took the wine and followed the echoes, chasing the happiness that was the reason of his own.
And there he was, arms wide open, standing under the rain, hair wet dripping over his shoulder, his laughter ringing into the night.
"A-Xu?" Wen Kexing called.
A-Xu turned around and there was nothing but pure joy in his eyes, "Lao Wen..." He said, blinking the rain away from his lashes, "I can finally feel the rain."
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