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Sirius wasn’t sure how to feel when Harry had told him his and Ginny’s plans to host a big Halloween party. Halloween had once been fun, but after James and Lily’s death the day was nothing but a painful reminder of what they had all lost.
Harry had always felt the same way, and when his friends had brought up Halloween traditions, he had gone quiet. He had never shown interest in the holiday, and even though he had tried to explain it to Sirius - and Remus when he invited him the next day - explaining that he no longer wanted to associate the day with death, but that he wanted his young kids to experience the fun and excitement of the holiday, Sirius still didn’t understand.
Halloween had been the day when all their lives had changed, and who gave a damn about parties?
He could tell that Harry wanted this though - needed it even - so as much as he wanted to hide away and spend the day remembering his friends, he knew that James and Lily would want him to be there for their son.
On the way over to Harry and Ginny’s, he had to stop because he felt like he was going to be sick. But he wasn’t going to let his godson down. So he had taken a few deep breaths, telling himself that it was only a Halloween party. It wasn’t like he had to go back to that day - it wasn’t like he had to lose his friends all over again.
Seeing the kids running around in their costumes, laughing and trying to scare each other had even managed to put a smile on his face. For a moment it had kept him from thinking about his friends. But when Harry had joined him - wearing the exact costume James had once worn years ago - Sirius’ legs had almost given out. He didn’t think Harry even knew James had worn the same costume, and he wasn’t going to mention it, but standing there, talking to him, it made him feel like he was talking to James. Something about him looking just like his father was so painful, that Sirius was glad when Harry excused himself to go talk to Ron and Hermione.
Sirius tried his best to ignore the memories - the thoughts of his friends when they were still happy, still alive - and he had even said yes when Teddy asked him to dance with him. But every time Harry caught his eye, it was like he couldn’t breathe. So when Teddy moved on to play with the other kids, Sirius had gone outside for some fresh air.
It doesn’t make him feel much better though, but at least out here no one can see that he’s struggling. Or so he thinks. Because someone joins him, and for a moment he worries that it’s Harry, having come to check on him. But when he looks up, he finds Remus sitting next to him, a sad and knowing smile on his face.
“He looks just like him, doesn’t he?” he sighs as he grabs Sirius’ hand. Something about his warm and gentle touch so familiar and so comforting that it brings tears to Sirius’ eyes.
“This feels wrong,” Sirius whispers, even though they are alone. “Throwing a party…”
“It doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss them, Sirius. If anything, he is doing this because he is missing them. He is just coping with it differently. Besides, would you rather he was in there right now, crying himself to sleep?” Remus asks - clearly referring to how he had found Sirius last year. “Because I prefer to see him happy and smiling.”
Sirius knows that he is right, and obviously he prefers to see Harry happy too, but that doesn’t make things any easier. It doesn’t change how he feels about today.
“They should be here.”
Remus squeezes his hand, because they have had this conversation before. He knows what Sirius is thinking ; that their friends should be here instead of him. No matter how many times Remus keeps telling him their death isn’t his fault, he still feels guilty.
“So should you,” Remus tells him again - as he will keep telling him - before leaning in and kissing him. “Now come on, let’s go back in.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes,” Remus chuckles, knowing full well that Sirius was going to come back in either way. Because no matter how horrible he is feeling, no matter how much he is struggling, if Harry wants or needs him at the party, he’ll be there.
Sirius leans in to kiss him again, but just as they are about to kiss, the door opens and Teddy comes running out.
“Dad! I was looking for you!” He looks at his father and ‘Uncle’ Sirius sitting on the porch, holding hands, and a shy smile forms on his face. He opens his mouth to ask, but his father shoots him a warning glare, so he just flashes a grin before running back inside - probably telling everyone in his way about what he just saw.
“Sorry,” Sirius mumbles. “I knew you wanted to keep it quiet until we…”
Before Sirius can finish what he was going to say, Remus kisses him to shut him up.
“Are you okay to go back in?”
“I am.” Sirius nods, his legs weighing a ton when he gets up. He follows Remus back inside, and even though it still sends a shiver through him when he sees Harry, this time he doesn’t run.
He goes up to him and he pulls him in for a hug that is so tight that it makes Harry chuckle uncomfortably.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m proud of you,” Sirius whispers as he clings on to him. “And I love you.”
“I love you too.” Harry smiles. “But I can’t breathe.”
Sirius doesn’t want to let go, but he knows he has to. It brings tears to his eyes, standing face to face with Harry - now older than James ever got to be. But he returns the smile and he gives his shoulder a squeeze, before returning to Remus - leaving Harry standing there, not quite sure what just happened.
“Come on,” Remus says, flashing a sympathetic smile as he wraps an arm around his waist to lead him out of the room. “Are you okay?”
“No,” Sirius admits, but then he nods. “I will be. Are you?”
Sirius knows that he isn’t the only one struggling tonight, and as much as Remus is hiding his pain, he recognizes the signs. The bitten-down nails, the bags underneath his eyes. The smile that isn’t all there.
“I will be,” Remus repeats, giving in when Sirius tries to pull him into his arms. “I’m glad you’re here, Sirius. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you too.”
The words make Sirius shiver, because Remus had lost him. For years they weren’t able to see each other or speak to each other, and they had to deal with the loss of their friends on their own. The thought of losing each other again makes Sirius tighten his grip on the man he loves. Scared that if he lets go, he will find him gone too.