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February 2022
The coldest month of the year, that’s what they were saying on TV, a distant voice in the background. Helen was sipping on her cuppa, mango and bergamot, cuddled up on the dark blue sofa that occupied half the space of their living room. They had opted for a three-bedroom rather than a big open space, thinking they could use some separation of activity and people. London felt familiar, it had been home for more than half of her life, but it was also different from everything she had known in her adult life. New York and London, two big cities, but such different personalities. She also had two different personalities in these two places. After moving to the US, Helen had built her career, her Dr. Helen TV persona, she had her adult circle of friends and she had also found love in Max, and Luna. Her life was completely different from what her young self had envisioned in the tiny, stuffy student-hall room in Cambridge. She’d be lying if she said she had everything figured out now; she had moved across the ocean, her new family following and supporting her, she was trying to keep the clinic standing, enjoying being in charge of such big changes. Her time as Deputy Medical Director at New Amsterdam had provided invaluable practice for that. However, as months passed by, it started to become clear to Helen that the clinic was her project, but likely a project with a beginning and an end. She had talked about this with Max a little while ago, confessing that she may want to return to New York and to New Amsterdam once she felt the clinic was back on its feet. It was all a maybe, though, because what felt like home changed all the time.
Max had patiently listened to her stream of thoughts, rubbing her arm softly to calm her as she opened up to him. Since they had gotten together, it seemed like a river of words had started to flow from him and, at the same time, a lid had sealed in all the negative tension and doubts that once restrained him. To be honest, their relationship evolved more naturally than she had ever expected and hoped. Max’ behaviour had surprised her a lot, to put it mildly. She had been there, his confidant, when he had talked about the struggles in his marriage, his inability to put family first, to scale down on work. Her initial hesitation, after their first night together, was mainly dictated by the ghost of his past behaviour. That hesitation quickly dissipated when he had become nothing but a rock in her life. From the moment he made the decision to let go of guilt and be with her, he never looked back. He never let Helen’s fears and trauma convince her or them that it wouldn’t work out. Once Max Goodwin has decided he wants something, there’s absolutely nothing that could stop him. He didn’t hesitate to move his life across the pond and he never showed the tiniest sign of regret. It had Helen wondering what it was that he was really attached to, that mattered to him the most. A little smile crept on her lips as she blew to cool the boiling tea; something about Max putting her first made her feel all kinds of ways on the inside.
Still, there was no denying that Max would be happy to be back in New York and be back at work. He was on some sort of break –well, his definition of a break. He was not currently employed anywhere, he was “freelancing” for various local nonprofits, offering home visits and first aid care whenever he could. He had already become some sort of leader, coming up with new ideas and projects for the organisations. Even without a title, you couldn’t really stop Max Gooodwin from changing the world. And that’s why Helen was able to enjoy her morning cup of tea in the peace of their South-London flat, in the middle of the week, on her rotational day off. Her life had changed drastically since sharing her space with the two Goodwins, both too charming, two balls of energy taking up all the space and getting her involved in their craziness. In all honesty, she couldn’t even remember what her life had been like just a few months before; at present, it didn’t seem particularly appealing.
Helen didn’t have time to dwell much on her revolutionised life or to enjoy the quiet morning, as she felt her phone vibrate on the sofa.
“Hey dear!” Helen answer cheerfully.
“Hi babe, are you at home?” Max sounded slightly less cheerful and more worried.
“As a matter of fact I am, why do you ask?”
“Luna’s school called and she’s not feeling great, may be running a fever. I’m on the other side of the city and need to attend an urgent visit. The teacher said she’s fine, but I don’t want her to feel bad and I just -could you maybe…”
“I’m picking her up. I’ll be there in 15 and text you when we’re back home and settled in.”
Helen was getting up already, bringing the cup to the sink and heading to the bedroom.
“Thank you so much. I’ll just call the school back to let them know you’re picking her up. I’m sorry to interrupt your morning plans on your day off, I know you…” There was some traffic noise in the background and he was starting to babble.
“Max, I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything knowing my munchkin is upset and feeling unwell.” Helen reassured him while changing into warmer clothes to go out. “I’m just throwing something on and heading out.”
“I love you. Keep me posted as soon as you can, I need to know she’s fine.”
“Will do, love. Speak to you soon.”
Helen rushed to the school, thankfully just a ten-minutes' walk from their house. She tried to be the rational one, but her heart was racing and she felt anxiety creeping up. She hadn’t thought she could actually experience these feelings so soon, her attachment to Luna almost instantaneous. The doctor in her knew the kid was most certainly fine and had just caught whatever was going around in the school, freezing temperatures not helping; but the side of her who loved Luna, cared for and lived with the child was irrationally worried nonetheless.
When she got to the kindergarten she mentioned she was picking up Luna Goodwin and, once she was cleared and she had signed a couple of papers, Luna was brought out by her teacher, all bundled up, slightly pale and drooping eyelids.
“Oh munchkin, come here, how are you feeling?” Helen bent down and picked Luna up in her arms, touching her forehead. It was hot, but not exceptionally worrying. She let out a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.
“I want bed and Hewen cuddle.” Luna cried as she snuggled her face into Helen’s neck, her tiny arms reaching to hug the adult’s shoulders.
“Sounds like a plan, hun. We’re going home and I’ll give you lots and lots of cuddles, alright?” Helen whispered, hugging Luna tightly to her chest. Then, she turned to the teacher. “Thank you for calling and getting Luna ready. I know they can be a handful when they don’t feel well.”
“Oh, well, you always feel bad seeing them like this, you know? Luna is such a ball of energy, it’s really odd seeing her like this. I hope she feels better soon.” The turning to the child. “Bye, bye Luna. I hope you’ll be back with us soon, we’ll be waiting for you. Get better soon, love.”
“What do you say, Lu?” Helen prompted.
“Thank you, Miss Amy. Bye!”
“Good girl! Let’s go home.”
Once back at the flat, Helen changed Luna in PJs and prepared a warm glass of milk. She grabbed the strawberry-flavoured paracetamol for children they had stocked in their medicine cabinet and measured the dosage to give Luna. The kid didn’t even protest and swallowed silently. It physically hurt Helen to see her in pain and she wished she had magic powers to make it disappear. While Luna sipped on her hot beverage, Helen changed back into house clothes and grabbed a fleece blanket. They sat together on the sofa, Luna snuggled into Helen’s side under the throw, and they watched Peppa Pig on TV. Helen texted Max with an update and mindlessly stroked the soft blond hair, while trying to focus on the cartoon to ease her worries. Every few minutes, she would check if Luna’s forehead was getting any cooler and, after half an hour, the medicine had finally started to lower the temperature.
After eating a warm, healthy soup, Luna started to yawn, the fever taking its toll on such a small body. Helen decided Luna could use a nap and they slipped in the child’s bed, shaking their arms and legs to create warmth under the cold sheets.
“Do I have mommy?” Luna asked out of the blue.
Shit. Helen was taken aback by the innocent question. How was she supposed to reply? And where was Max?
She swallowed hard. “Of course you do, munchkin. She’s just not here right now.” Then she remembered what she had said to her young patient a few years back. “But she can hear you and she watches over you all the time. She loved –she loves you very much.”
Silence followed and Helen feared she had said the wrong thing.
“OK.” That was it? “Laura mommy make Micky Mouse pancakes and take Laura home when she feel sick.” Oh, that’s where her brilliant young brain is going. “Why Hewen not my mommy?” Luna whispered, rubbing her eyes, sleep slowly taking over.
Helen felt a punch in the stomach, maybe more like a stab. Such a loaded question. There was no easy answer, no streamline reply. But of one thing Helen was sure.
“I love you just as much as your mommy, my dear Lu.”
Helen wasn’t sure Luna had heard her, her eyes were now closed and she looked peaceful.
She got up, tucked Luna in and she headed to the kitchen, leaving the bedroom door ajar in case Luna needed her.
Helen spent the next hour putting away things from Luna’s tiny backpack and tidying up the flat. She wanted to keep busy to avoid overthinking her talk with Luna. She was growing up very fast, her questions getting more difficult and her observations keener. It was only a matter of time before she would start asking about her mother, and that time seemed to have come. Helen was not ready. They were not ready. But it was not up to them, you can’t control when a child’s going to ask questions.
She hoped she had not overstepped. Moving in together had deepened her relationship with Luna massively and quickly. From almost strangers, they were now in a routine together and Max has started to step back and allow some alone time between the two girls. Unlike many other situations, her role in Luna’s life was not something Helen and Max had discussed at lengths; they were still trying to get a sense of the right pace to take with the child and hadn’t prepared for official labels and definitions. If they weren’t ready, Luna seemed to be.
Before long, Max was rushing through the front door, throwing his coat and scarf on the side table at the entrance, and slipping off his boots at light-speed.
“Where is Luna, how is she doing?”
“Shhh” Helen rushed to him, covering his mouth with her hands. When he had quieted down, she dropped a quick kiss on his cold lips. “She’s asleep in her bed. She was tired, but the paracetamol has kicked in and the temperature is down. Will give her some more in a few hours.”
Max sighed in relief and kissed Helen’s head before bringing her in a bear hug.
They were swaying for a few seconds. “Thank you for picking her up and settling her in. Thank you for being here.” He hugged her tighter.
She smiled in the soft wool of Max’ jumper, then extricated her body from the embrace, a more serious look on her face. “Max, you don’t need to thank me.” That sent a confused look on Max’ face. “I think we should talk about this.”
“About…?”
“Me, us, me and Luna.” She took a deep breath, took Max’ hand in her smaller one and led them to the living room. “We need to talk about my role in Luna’s life. We talk about everything, but we just skipped this part. And I know we’re getting used to this and there’s been many changes, but I…”
“Hey, babe, slow down, deep breath.” He took one himself to show her, and then another one until she did the same. “Can I ask where this is coming from?”
Max’ calm tone and words helped to ease her nerves.
“Luna asked if she had a ‘mommy’ today.”
“Oh.” Max closed his eyes, a veil of sadness taking over. “I didn’t expect it would be so soon.”
“Same here. But she’s growing up so fast, sometimes I can feel her brain just expanding.” A tiny smile appeared on the corner of her mouth, soon matched by Max’.
“What did you say to her?” He asked, curious at first. “Oh God, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, on your own. Kids can be scary.”
“Max, stop apologising. Kids are scary, but… not my munchkin.”
Max nodded, he was waiting for Helen to go on.
“I told her that, of course, she had a mother and that she is always watching over her.”
“That’s way better than everything I would have come up with. I would have just panicked.” Max grinned.
“I did panic, but didn’t want her to think she had said something wrong and that she was missing something.” Helen was looking at the floor, still pensive.
“I get a feeling that this isn’t everything?”
Nope. “She asked if I was her mommy, too. Apparently, Laura’s mom makes her pancakes and picks her up from school when she’s sick. And I do the same.”
Helen was staring at Max, hoping he would miraculously have an insight, something that would make her feel better.
He was thinking about a reply, but not much came up. “My smart baby. She’s not wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“You are the one taking care of her, now as much as I do. She made a simple deduction.”
“I know.” She exhaled and plopped down on the sofa. “But we’ve been together for less than a year and living together for a couple of months. I don’t know who I am to her, who I’m supposed to be to her.”
Max heard her voice break slightly and he remembered this topic was very close to her heart.
“What did you tell her, to Luna?”
“That I loved her just as much as her mommy.” She braved looking at Max again. He looked mildly surprised. “And I mean that, Max, a hundred percent.”
Helen didn’t want him to think she’d be lying to Luna or tell her things she would then take back. She herself had suffered because of abandonment and lies, there was no way in Hell she’d be doing that to her child. Her child.
“I know you do, Helen.” He interrupted her dangerous train of thoughts.
Silence fell for a few seconds, Max sat down, close to her.
“I can see that you love Luna, you were literally out of the door before I hung up the phone earlier. And I see it every time she’s next to you while you get ready and you let her make a mess with your jewellery box, only to reorganise it later while she’s not looking.” That elicited a laugh from Helen, who thought she hadn’t been that obvious. “And more than anything, I see how you enjoy spending time with her and teaching her all sorts of things. You do that spontaneously and naturally, and I can see how you tiptoe around us when, instead, you’re rational brain kicks in. That’s my fault.”
“What? How?” The last bit had Helen genuinely confused.
“You’ve been there since the day Luna was born, but I kept you at arms’ length from her. I hate myself for it. Things were complicated between us, I… I was angry for having feelings for you, for wanting you close. And I was just so sad, I…” He hid his face in his hands for a few seconds before looking up again in her brown orbits. “I made so many mistakes, and I’m so happy we’re where we are now. So, so happy. You make me happy, and you also make my life, our life… complete. And I’m so grateful you love Luna and took us in as a package deal. A messy one.” He smirked.
“I had no choice.” Helen replied jokingly, she needed to lighten up the mood. She was feeling too deeply and she thought she might combust. But it was also true; she didn’t really have a choice once she had let herself fall in love with the two Goodwins.
They both laughed, but Max was serious when he started speaking again. “I trust you with my life, and my daughter’s. You can be to her whatever you’re comfortable with and we’ll find a way to explain to her, I promise.”
This actually calmed Helen down, something Max had always been able to do, especially after he promised he would always be by her side, and he actually stuck to it.
“I was joking a minute ago, but I kinda mean it when I say I have no choice.” Helen scrunched her nose. “I love you and I simply love Luna, I get overly worried when I know she’s not well and overly excited for any little things she does or learns. It’s overwhelming at times, but it feels very organic. You know what I mean?”
“I know exactly what you mean.” His smile was devastating.
“You know I’ve been wanting to get IVF and have a child for the longest time, and I want to get to it…” Helen could see Max’ mind was already going places too fast. “… at some point, and we’ll talk about that. Not now!”
Helen mockingly punched Max’ shoulder as he dramatically feigned pain. “Alright, alright, babe!”
“What I never imagined was that I would be experiencing these mot… these deep, very deep feelings for a child who is not biologically mine, so soon.” Helen was looking into empty space, distracted by the thought of babies and Luna and how giddy all of it made her feel. “But with Luna, I just do. At the same time, I don’t want to overstep and force her into things she doesn’t feel.”
Max would disagree, as he knew his daughter loved Hewen as much as Helen loved her. But it was not his place to interfere with their relationship. “So what do you propose?”
Helen seemed to have come to a decision and was now resolute. “I’ll always be by her side, and she’ll know it. Apart from that, I’ll be whatever she wants me to be and whatever she’s comfortable calling me. We have all the time in the world to figure it out.”
“Sounds like a sensible plan, very Helen Sharpe of you.” Max got closer and kissed her proudly. “You’re amazing.”
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
They got on with their day, playing with Luna once she was up and had a little bit of extra energy. They got into their routine of dinner and bath time, and then the emotions of the day set in, wearing out everyone very early. It was going to be an early night.
Max was bringing a reluctant Luna to her bed for bedtime story and sleep, but the child didn’t want to leave the company, yet. Helen was looking in from the bedroom’s door.
“Max,” she bit her lip, nervous to speak up during this delicate moment of the evening routine. “I feel like I need extra love today. What do you say Luna stays with us, just for tonight? She was very good today, taking all her medicine like a big girl. She deserves extra cuddles, doesn’t she?”
It looked like Helen was in need of extra love more than Luna did.
Max looked from one side to the other, brown and blue pairs of puppy eyes that left him no choice at all. He was not going to think what would happen once Luna was older and they would gang up on him. Truth was, he wouldn’t mind extra love either. Just for one night.
Luna was ecstatic and ran to the master bedroom, awkwardly climbing on the king bed and settling right in the middle. She was looking at the door while Helen and Max joined her in the bigger bedroom, huge grins plastered on their faces. Sometimes life felt good, really good.
The couple took turns in the bathroom down the hallway, brushing their teeth and getting ready for the night. Then they all jumped into bed and turned the lamps off. Only a dim light from the street lamp down the road was creeping through the shutters of their double window. The trio was quiet, Max laying on his back, Luna stroking Helen’s colourful, silky bonnet and Helen recollecting the events of the day.
“G’night, mommy.”
Helen’s eyes widened in surprise, for a second not sure she had herd right. Her eyes watered, a cauldron of emotions threatening to spill.
She could see the silhouette of Max’s face turning towards Luna and smile in the silent darkness.
Helen planted a kiss on top of Luna’s head. “Sweet dreams, my love.” Her words barely audible.
Max spread his arm over both Luna and Helen under the duvet, his hand resting comfortably on Helen’s hip; he was fast asleep already, much like the other Goodwin snuggled into her side.
Helen closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of the baby shampoo. Tension and worry finally left her body, and she could now enjoy the warmth and affection from her family. She felt a little lighter than she did in the morning.
Finally, home.