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"It feels really good to be around you. You make me feel like a girl again. Like, my body wakes up."
"Please don't do this, okay? I have worked my ass off to get over you."
"I really want to be with you, Santana. I've seen the world and, I'm sure now more than ever, that I belong with you."
(pause)
"...and I'm sure your girlfriend's great, but you can't recreate what you and I have."
"It's your choice. If you want me I'm here."
Santana sat alone in the cold, quiet choir room trying to process what had just happened between her and her ex-girlfriend, Brittany. Her chest heaved high and sunk low, her breath expectedly choppy and uneven, as her heart began puttering so fast. She found herself needing to grip the handle on the bench she was seated on to try and avoid going into a state of sheer panic, looking down as her knuckles turned a shade lighter.
If she felt any awkwardness beforehand at the mere thought of stepping foot back into McKinley High with her former classmates to try and save the sanctity of the glee club, that feeling just increased tenfold.
Sitting in such close proximity to Brittany and watching her eyes wander over her face, watching her mind work as she suddenly shifted her body and leaned in toward her, and feeling those soft, thin lips cushion themselves so perfectly against hers, the moment played over and over in Santana's mind. Brittany had really just kissed her.
It was so much more than the kiss, though. It was the way the air around Brittany always seemed to smell like sugary, pink bubble gum, or sweet coconut, and how the sound of her voice continued to play in Santana's ear like the best love song that had yet to be written. Santana's senses were always on high alert when Brittany was around.
Despite feeling terrified on some level about what that kiss between them could mean, she was surprised at how much it may have calmed her, too. It was unexpected that they actually found a moment completely alone, and she couldn't help but admire and appreciate the level of boldness Brittany displayed when she had the chance. That is just how Brittany has always been; she's a very relaxed and straight-to-the-point type of girl. It's one of Santana's favorite qualities about her. Where Santana is an overthinker and worrier, Brittany balances her out with calmness and clarity.
Sighing deeply, Santana stood to her feet and exited the choir room in a hurry. She needed a moment completely for herself, so she tucked herself in an abandoned section of the school library and browsed aimlessly on her phone. She was scrolling through anything and everything, but she was hardly able to focus. Her mind wouldn't let her escape as Brittany's words kept echoing in her ears. Feeling a pang of guilt, she sent her girlfriend, Dani, a text message to ask about her day and to mention that she missed her. She felt the need to shower Dani with a bit of attention, although Brittany's actions consumed her own.
Santana and Brittany didn't talk about what had happened when the glee club met in the auditorium a few hours later. They tried their best to act like everything was as normal as could be expected to avoid stares or comments from their friends, but there was a hint of tension between them. Santana could think of a thousand other places she'd rather be, but here she was standing inches from her ex-girlfriend who had spontaneously kissed her and easily confessed that she still wanted to be with her. That was a massive load for Santana to carry on her already heavily burdened shoulders. She needed space and, more importantly, she needed time.
She was at her parent's home that afternoon lounging on the couch while watching television when she received a phone call from Mercedes inviting her out to dinner with the rest of the alumni, including Brittany. It took several minutes and promise to grab coffee before she headed back to New York, but Santana finally got her point across that she wasn't feeling up to it and wouldn't join them.
She considered telling Mercedes what had transpired to attempt to justify why she was somewhat hesitant, knowing that she could rely on her to keep her mouth shut, but she decided not to until she was exactly sure of how she was going to broach the subject with Brittany again. It was a discussion they needed to have first before any of their friends found out.
It didn't help that Dani had tried to call her twice over the course of a few hours, and although they had exchanged a few text messages throughout the afternoon, Santana couldn't find it in herself to pick up the phone. Instead she selfishly let her calls go to voicemail. Dani chose not to leave any messages and Santana used this as her own personal excuse to avoid calling her back. Talking to Dani would be the right thing to do, to tell her that Brittany had kissed her, but avoidance was one thing Santana still mastered well.
Santana ended up enjoying a quiet and relaxed home-cooked meal with her mom that evening, although Maribel sensed that something was bothering her daughter. They barely exchanged words unless Maribel asked something specific, small talk felt awkward and forced, and Santana went a little wild on the red wine.
When her mother asked if everything was okay, Santana quickly brushed it off as simply feeling a little overwhelmed being back in town. Maribel didn't prod her daughter for any further information, and after helping her mother clear the table and wash the dishes, she excused herself to take a shower and get ready for bed. An early bedtime sounded perfect.
After a long, hot shower and a mud mask treatment, she put on a pair of sleep shorts and tank top and sat on the edge of her bed. She was busy combing the tangles out of her hair when her phone rang from the nightstand. She dropped the hairbrush beside her and leaned over and grabbed her phone, sighing when she saw that Dani was attempting to get ahold of her for the third time. She knew she couldn't continue to ignore her, the guilt of that was already beginning to consume her, so she decided to get the phone call over with.
"Hey," Santana said softly, smiling into the phone.
"Hi," Dani replied, surprise and excitement in her voice. "I've been trying to get ahold of you."
"Yeah, I saw that you called a few times," Santana began. "I'm sorry I wasn't really around today, but I was really busy with the glee club. Then I had dinner with mom, it was nice, and just took an insanely long and much needed shower."
"It's okay, babe. I'm sure you're exhausted. I'm glad you're making a little time for me, though. I'm really happy to hear your voice. You have no idea how much I've been missing you."
"Yeah, me, too."
"I didn't realize how quiet things would actually be not having you around my place," Dani laughed. "Even Zoe misses you."
"We both know she doesn't, but give that little yapper a pat on the head from me anyway."
"No, I really think she does. She's been sitting by the door wagging her tail even though she sees me sitting on the couch."
Silence wedged itself between them as Santana paused for a moment before sighing loudly into the receiver. She knew that this was the perfect opportunity to tell Dani what had happened. She wasn't sure how she would react, and if she was truly honest with herself, Santana still wasn't so sure that she was processing everything so well herself.
It remained on the forefront of her mind the second that Brittany exited the choir room, but she didn't know how to untangle her thoughts and actually deal with what it meant. Maybe being forthcoming and telling Dani would be the right thing to do. It was start, albeit a terrifying one. Maybe getting it off of her chest might alleviate some of the stress she felt wrapped up in. She wasn't so sure.
"So, yeah, I'm kind of glad you called because I do need to talk to you about something," Santana said, allowing the words to spill quickly from her tongue before she could take them back. "And I'm not so sure how to say it."
"Oh, okay. This doesn't make me the slightest bit nervous," Dani replied sarcastically. "What's going on?"
"It's about Brittany."
"Okay, well, just tell me, Santana."
She could easily hear the apprehension in Dani's voice and she didn't want to tell her that Brittany had kissed her.
She didn't want to tell her that it caused a jolt of arousal to rip through her body and settle between her thighs that left her craving more. She didn't want to tell her that she only pushed her away because she was afraid of what might've happened next, that Brittany tasted exactly how she remembered, and that all she's been thinking about since then is getting another moment alone with her ex-girlfriend to see how bold one of them would get.
Having these kinds of thoughts should feel so wrong, but somehow guilt wasn't something Santana felt. Her eyes widened as she allowed herself to really absorb and process her thoughts. It was as if she finally began to understand why she might be struggling with this so badly.
She enjoyed the kiss.
She had savored the buzz when Brittany's lips so eagerly met hers, the way her warm hand tilted her head back and her long fingers tickled against her cheek, the way that she tried to come back for more when Santana pushed her back.
Santana knew that pushing Brittany away was the moral thing to do, but she didn't want to. She didn't want anyone to get hurt, especially Dani, but she didn't want Brittany to somehow get hurt in the end, too.
Part of her feelings were tinged with anger because this wasn't part of her plans. She was going to come to Lima and help the glee club however she was needed, mingle and banter a little with her old friends, and sneak back off to New York to her quiet, simple life with her girlfriend. This trip wasn't supposed to be complicated by exhumed feelings.
Panic began to settle in her chest, sending an uneasy jolt throughout her body as her heart started to race, Dani's voice pulling her back down into reality. She closed her eyes tightly as sweat began to form against her brow.
"Santana? Can you please say something?"
"Brittany…" she trailed off. This was tougher to say than she thought. "When I saw her today and we got a moment alone to catch up after the glee club meeting… she, umm, she kissed me."
Saying those three words aloud sent a jolt down Santana's spine. She was trying to prepare herself for any reaction that was to come, both good or bad.
"Okay. I take that back. I wish you wouldn't have said anything at all."
"I'm so sorry," Santana replied, lifting her fist to her mouth to bite against it.
After a brief pause, Dani asked, "Well, did you kiss her back?"
Santana tilted her head and tucked the phone between her ear and shoulder and began wringing her hands together nervously. She picked at the skin near her thumbnail unknowingly until she felt the warm feeling of blood. Her eyes glistened with tears as she whispered an almost incoherent, "Yes."
Dani could only purse her lips together and reply with a quiet hum.
"I stopped her, though," Santana continued, eager to explain the situation. "It was just a quick kiss. It was nothing more than that, I swear. I pushed her away, I told her it wasn't right, and she left after that."
"So, she kissed you, you pushed her away, and then she left?" Dani scoffed, somewhat puzzled. "That sounds a little odd. Was she upset? Did you say anything to her? Did she say anything to you?"
"I told her, uh—I just told her that it wasn't a good idea."
"It wasn't a good idea?" Dani scoffed. "That's all you said? Throwing back three consecutive shots of tequila on an empty stomach that results in you hurling all over your friend is what most people would say isn't a good idea. This is bigger than that. It's extremely abhorrent."
"Dani, I was shocked. She caught me completely off guard," Santana explained. "And—please—don't remind me again about that catastrophe. Rachel still nags me about replacing her shoes."
"All right. I do understand that. If the kiss didn't mean anything to you then I'm going to believe that. I mean, I don't like that it happened and Brittany crossed a major fucking line, but I trust you so much. It's okay, Santana."
Santana put the call on speaker and set the phone down back onto her nightstand. She bit her bottom lip as she lowered her head in her hands and willed this conversation to end soon. She couldn't tell Dani that the kiss might've meant something to her. She wouldn't make her girlfriend's worst fear come true if she wasn't entirely sure herself. She needed to talk to Brittany. She needed to know if all of this was a huge mistake, if that kiss and confession were simply a result of the passing moment. She knew that seeing her ex again after so long pulled on her own heartstrings, so perhaps that was all it was for Brittany, too. Maybe it was a result of what she missed, of what they used to have, and perhaps not what she truly wanted.
"Babe, I said it's okay," Dani repeated. "Why are you crying?"
"This is just... it's too much right now. I didn't want to bring it up at all. I just want to forget it happened," Santana sobbed. "Can we just... can we not talk about it anymore?"
"Yeah, of course. Please don't worry. You told me, it's out now, and it's not going to be an issue between us. It certainly doesn't give Brittany any brownie points with me, and honestly I'd love to give her a piece of my mind, but..."
Santana and Dani spoke for a few more minutes and said their goodbyes with a promise to talk again tomorrow. Santana slunk back onto the bed and rolled her face into the pillow, trying to lessen the echo of her loud sobs. She hadn't lied to Dani, but she definitely hadn't been completely truthful. Telling her didn't alleviate any of the pressure she felt as she had hoped for because she knew the bigger task was still at hand.
She let go and let herself have a good, long cry about it because she knew it's what she needed in order to clear her mind a little. She eventually rolled over and turned the light out and crawled underneath the blankets, wishing that sleep would take her fast. Tomorrow would be a new day, another day of dealing with the anguish that Brittany had created, but right now all she needed was an escape. She drifted off within five minutes, the soothing white noise of the air conditioner acting as her lullaby.
Santana woke up around 10 am to the unwelcome sound of her phone vibrating loudly in her ears. She refused to show any sign of life yet and quickly muted the incoming call. Her eyes puffy and exhausted from the previous night, she rolled over and cringed at the glow of daylight that was surfacing through the blinds. She wasn't in the mood to get up yet, or maybe at all. A lazy day curled up in her bed sounded like a much better plan.
She settled back into a light sleep when, at 10:26 am, her phone buzzed again. She groaned loudly and rolled over, expecting to see Dani's name and picture flashing across the display. Instead, she immediately sat upright when she saw that it was, in fact, Brittany who had been trying to get in touch. She pulled the blanket up to her chest, cleared her throat a few times, picked up her phone.
"Good morning," Brittany chirped before Santana could say anything. She certainly didn't sound like someone who had just flipped her ex-girlfriend's world upside down the night before.
Santana cleared her throat again, trying to clear the sound of sleep from her voice, "Hey, Britt. How are you?"
"I'm good. I just finished helping my parents with some painting. They're remodeling the guest bathroom downstairs. I didn't really have that on my list of things to do while being back in town, but mom asked if I could help because they're behind schedule. What are you up to today?"
"Uh, nothing really. I actually just woke up," Santana replied. In a soft whisper, she mumbled, "I didn't sleep the best last night."
"Because of me, huh?" Brittany asked. "I kind of noticed that you never called or texted..."
"Well, Brittany, there was a lot to process. Don't you think?"
"That's actually why I'm calling you. I think we should talk. I know you're probably rolling your eyes at the thought of it, but we kinda need to, Santana."
"Yeah, I guess we do."
"So, in addition to using you as an excuse to get me out of any further bathroom remodeling duty, I wanted to know if you wanted to grab some lunch with me today? Or we could meet somewhere for dinner tonight? Either is fine with me. But only if you're really up for it..."
Santana weighed her options and decided that dinner sounded better. That would give her some time and mental space to prepare for what she was going to say to Brittany, and it gave her another opportunity to talk to Dani beforehand. The two of them had agreed to meet around 6 pm at Breadstix. It was the most obvious choice they could have made, but it had been far too long since Santana had sunk her teeth into one of their buttery, garlic breadsticks.
After freshening up in the bathroom and getting dressed, tugging on a loose shirt and a pair of running shorts, Santana made her way into the kitchen where her mother was seated at the table drinking a cup of coffee while flipping through a magazine. She smiled contently as she poured herself her own cup, the smell of the roasted beans burning the tip of her nostrils, and proceeded to make herself a bowl of cereal. She sat across from her mother in silence and respected the space her mother so willingly gave her by simply smiling. She knew her mother still sensed that she was feeling uneasy about something, but broaching the subject still wasn't an option. Maribel knew that Santana would talk on her own terms if she wanted to, if ever.
After breakfast, Santana decided she wanted to go on a walk to relieve some of the tension she felt within herself. She grabbed her headphones from her duffel bag, pulled her hair up into a high pony, and hit the pavement. She didn't have a destination or goal, but she allowed the winding sidewalk to lead her astray. After several minutes, she started to jog. So many thoughts were racing through her mind that she felt like she was sprinting through an obstacle course. She continued to jog until she realized that she was starting to cry. Crying again wasn't an option for her, so she channeled her emotions into her feet and started to run.
The sweat started dripping from her brow and down into her eyes. The cool sting felt good; it felt deserved. She ran, and ran, and ran until her feet nearly wobbled out from underneath her and she had to stop to catch her breath. She bent forward toward her knees, her hands gripping tightly against them, as the conversation with Dani played over and over in her head.
If the kiss didn't mean anything to you then I'm honestly not worried. I trust you, she recalls.
I trust you.
Those three words echoed over and over as Santana adjusted her posture and lazily wiped her forearm against her brow.
I trust you.
She eventually turned around and headed home, walking at a slow pace, welcoming the cool breeze against her burning skin. As she neared, she began breathing heavily, placing her hand flat against her forehead, her skin ice cold and clammy to the touch. She knew why she had started crying and why she was still crying. She had to admit it to herself whether she wanted to or not.
It's over.
Releasing those words, even internally, felt freeing. Santana knew that, despite what happened between her and Brittany, she wasn't happy with Dani. She hadn't been happy for quite some time. Dani was a great girlfriend and would make someone very happy, but it wasn't her and it was never going to be.
She didn't stop Brittany from kissing her because of Dani, but because she knew what she went through trying to survive without her. She knew how many times she had cried on the phone with Quinn, how often she sobbed under the running water of the shower in hopes that Rachel or Kurt wouldn't hear, how much money she blew buying herself post-breakup shoes.
(Just eight new pairs in the short span of two months. That's all.)
She had handled their separation far worse than she ever thought imaginable, and finally feeling content in her life without that crazy blonde was something she didn't think was obtainable. But it was obtainable, and she didn't want to ruin that.
She loves Brittany, she would always have a special place for her in her life, but she didn't know if she could give her a piece of her heart anymore. Her heart was scarred, and the fear of being hurt again was too big. Protecting herself felt like the one thing she did well.
Santana sat on the edge of her bed again and fumbled her phone in her hands. She shakily thumbed through her contacts and inhaled deeply when she pressed the button to call Dani. She knew that she wouldn't be working today and anticipated that she would answer. With each ring, Santana's heart began to pound faster. She wanted this moment to be over with. She needed to be able to get through it with her head held high.
"Good morning, sunshine!" Dani greeted her. "You're calling early. Did you sleep well?"
"No, not really," Santana replied, her voice cracking. She didn't want to waste time with small talk, so she dove right in. "I think we need to talk."
"Okay..." Dani replied nervously.
"I'm not happy in our relationship," Santana began.
"Well, this is off to a nice start," Dani groaned. "And I haven't even had a cup of coffee yet."
Santana swallowed a snarky remark and continued, "I haven't been happy for a while. Coming here alone, spending time by myself again, I've done a lot of thinking. I don't know, I just—I feel like it's time for me to move on. I feel stuck. And I don't want to feel stuck."
"It's because of Brittany, isn't it?"
"I don't know, Dani. I've just realized that I'm in this relationship for the wrong reasons. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and I just don't think that's who I can be anymore. I feel like I'm with you for me and not for you."
Santana's eyes tightened shut when she heard Dani begin to cry, her sobs muffled against the receiver.
"I'm so fucking sorry," Santana whispered. "This isn't what I planned when I came here, this isn't how I want to do it, but I want to see you free. I want to set myself free."
"So, that's it?" Dani barked, her voice rough and angry. "I'm over here sitting on my couch waiting for the exact moment my girlfriend will walk through the door again, and you're over there planning out the most fucked up way to break up with me. On the phone? Seriously, Santana? I thought you were better than that. I thought our relationship held a little more value to you."
"Fuck. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say."
"You don't need to say anything, Santana. You've already said enough."
The only thing that followed was the abrupt click of Dani ending the call. Santana sighed as she tossed her phone aside and leaned backwards onto the bed.
6 pm arrived a little too fast and Santana found herself sitting in a booth, dressed casually in a v-neck and pair of jeans, nervously staring at Brittany sitting directly across from her. Brittany, wearing a loose tank top with jeans ripped at the knees, could only smile longingly at her ex.
Santana could sense that Brittany knew she was nervous. She was always good at knowing what was going on even if nothing was spoken between them. Santana watched as Brittany repeatedly looped her long fingers through her silver bangles as they waited for their food, willing the courage to begin the very unwanted and necessary conversation.
They made meaningless and somewhat awkward small talk until their food arrived, and before Santana could jab her fork into the plate of steaming pasta in front of her, Brittany reached across the table and stilled her shaking hand. Santana felt slightly embarrassed as she looked up into Brittany's eyes, those blue blues sparkling with genuine concern. Santana offered a crooked smile, softening at the look on Brittany's face.
"Santana, relax. It's just me."
"Yeah, I know," she chuckled nervously. "I also know that we need to have this conversation and I'm not too thrilled about it. Honestly, I feel a little sick to my stomach."
"Well, just say what's on your mind and be completely honest about how you feel. That's all I ever ask of you. I can handle whatever you have to say to me or about me."
Santana sighed and scrunched her face, "Brittany, I don't—"
"Listen," Brittany began, sharply cutting through her words. "Let me ease into this then. I meant every single word that I said yesterday, but I also know that what I did was really messed up. I beat myself up over it all night. You have a girlfriend and I shouldn't have gotten in the way of that, and that kissing you in that moment was probably the worst idea I could've ever had, but I just wanted to make it clear on where I stand. I needed to make it clear, and I knew that words weren't enough. I want to be with you. I've always known that it's you. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have went back to Massachusetts and left everything unsaid. Even if, in the end, I pay a terrible price for the way that I did it."
Santana nodded her head and bit the inside of her mouth as she processed everything she was hearing.
"You know, we really don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to," Brittany added. "We obviously need to, but I get that this is a tense and uncomfortable situation. We can sit here and just enjoy a nice meal together. You know, as best friends. That's who we will always be, right? And when you're ready, whether it's tonight or in two weeks, I'm all ears."
Santana contemplated retreating back into her familiar habit of closing up and pushing the noise away whenever things became too uncomfortable, but she knew she couldn't do it this time. She had things she needed to say and ask, too. This was the perfect opportunity, and probably the only one where they could be face to face, so to squander it made no sense. She took a few bites of her food as she carefully studied Brittany's demeanor before launching into the discussion with a blunt, callous question.
"Why exactly did you start dating Sam?"
"Huh?" Brittany looked up from her meal, taken aback at the first words out of Santana's mouth. She grabbed her nearby napkin and wiped the corners of her mouth as she asked Santana to elaborate on her question.
"You just said you've always known that it was me, but you had no qualms about running off and playing house with Sam."
Brittany opened her mouth to answer and then paused, shaking her head in frustration. Her eyes locked with Santana's as she continued, "We've talked about this often enough. I told you that I thought it was the right thing for me at the time, and I didn't want to sit and watch you hold yourself back from moving on to something bigger and better."
Brittany paused, taking a deep breath to reset her thoughts as she continued, "You deserved to be out in the world a little, to see what opportunities were waiting for you. You didn't want to return to Lima and we both know that. How is this even relevant?"
"Do you even know how many nights I cried myself to sleep knowing that you moved on from me so easily?"
Santana could hear a hint of anger cut through her own voice. The conversation wasn't supposed to start like this, but she figured it was better if they cleared the air about everything before Santana could even begin to unpack what had happened in the choir room. Brittany dating Sam was something Santana never got over, even though she tried to play it off that she was unbothered by Brittany's decision. That's where she felt like she needed to start, understanding that this would be like pouring salt over a healing wound.
"I didn't move on that easily, Santana. I love how you just assume that it was all just a cakewalk for me. I was really struggling without you. Don't you dare think for a second that you're the only one who cried herself to sleep at night. I was lonely and I didn't really have any friends. The one person that I really needed — you — you weren't there anymore. I don't blame you for that at all, but it wasn't exactly easy for me. We were suddenly living two separate lives and Sam and I got really close as a result of that."
Brittany watched Santana's lips curve into a frown as she continued, "He made me feel good. He made me realize that it was pointless spending all of my time walking around and sulking over something that wouldn't change. I started to spend time with him and I didn't feel so empty and lonely anymore. Then it just—it turned into something else. You know how I feel about that now, though. I did it for the wrong reasons. It never truly felt right for me. I was filling a huge void in my heart that was left by you."
"But why did I have to hear about it from Tina of all fucking people? You didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me yourself," Santana grimaced. "I thought we were different. You pushed me away when I came back for you, like I meant nothing to you. Jesus, Brittany, it fucking stung."
"I didn't push you away from me. I pushed you towards your dreams. You would have been so unhappy. That is the last thing I'd ever want to see, and neither one of us deserved to go through that. I couldn't watch you stay behind in Lima, so pushing you was clearly the only option I really had. The world was out there waiting for you."
"You are my world, Brittany," Santana glowered, her response cutting through gritted teeth.
"And you're mine, but you left. And I had one hell of a time trying to adjust to that."
"You know I thought it was the right decision at the time, but I couldn't have been more wrong."
Brittany's features immediately softened. Santana swallowed wholly, her mouth suddenly dry and sticky. She had just admitted, in present tense, how she truly felt, shocking herself at how easily the words slipped off of her tongue.
"You know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," Santana quickly added. "I just don't know if us being together is the right answer anymore. Our lives are on two completely different paths, too. It's complicated trying to make sense of it all, and I just don't want anyone to get hurt. Aren't we tired of that?"
"When it comes to you, Santana, everything is worth it. There is no better risk."
"I just don't want to get my heart broken again. I don't know if I could handle that."
"Who does?"
Santana sighed heavily, her eyes darting away from Brittany.
She wanted to tell Brittany that she had ended things with Dani, but she didn't want her to see it as a sign that things could suddenly move forward between them. It was still very new and she barely had any time to even process the separation herself. As raw as it seemingly was, she didn't find herself hurting. If anything, she was content. It was the right choice, but that decision had nothing to do with Brittany, and more about finding the happiness she so desperately wanted.
Santana still loved Brittany, that she never doubted or questioned, but she couldn't handle the thought of losing Brittany for a second time. She believed the words that had been spoken to her in the choir room, but she needed her heart to believe them, too. She was hesitant to let Brittany back into her life on that level for so many reasons, but sitting across from her and being wrapped up in her aura made her heart swell, butterflies batting around her stomach at lightning speed.
Santana looked up at Brittany timidly, watching as she took a long gulp of her iced tea and focused on the meal in front of her, and smiled to herself. Her heart dropped into her stomach knowingly. She didn't need a crystal ball to see what was so painstakingly obvious.
She saw a future with this woman. She saw companionship, she saw marriage, she saw herself chasing tiny blonde babies around their house as they giggled fiercely and ran away from her. She saw intimacy, she saw pleasure, she saw them growing old together and sitting on their front porch drinking stale coffee and reading outdated newspapers. No other person in the world, or the idea of another person, was close to that for Santana. She knew that in this exact moment, and what she always knew, she was looking at the love of her life.
"What are you thinking about, San?" Brittany asked curiously, setting her fork down on her plate with a loud clang.
Santana looked up at her and knew. She was her happiness. She smiled to herself, "Nothing, Britt. Let's just eat."
Santana spent the better part of the rest of their meal listening to Brittany express frustration with her life in Massachusetts and the struggles she found herself constantly facing at MIT, and how she wishes she and Santana could be what they used to be, to be as connected and close as they once were. Santana had to admit that she always hated living far away from Brittany, and when Brittany toyed around with the idea of moving to New York to be closer to her and their friends, she remained cautious with how she responded.
She listened as Brittany repeated her desire to be with Santana, though quickly admitting that she wasn't trying to put any pressure on her or make things uncomfortable between them, and how sometimes all she could envision was traveling the world together and not allowing one of them to stray too far from the other again. All Santana could do was smile.
She certainly thought her own life could use a reset, not happy with her current career path as an understudy on a Broadway show that she didn't give a damn about, and the fact that she still lived with Kurt and Rachel. Traveling the world with Brittany and making up for lost time definitely didn't sound like a bad deal.
She was single now, and although Brittany didn't know that yet, it made her feel whole and complete thinking this might be the beginning of them again. She wanted to protect her heart, though, so she didn't allude to Brittany that she felt the same. She wanted to make sure Brittany's hopes and wishes were genuine, and not just an escape from her current life.
Doubt always kept Santana in good company.
"Oh my God, are these all lilies?"
Santana stepped into the choir room the next afternoon, Brittany having requested her presence at McKinley after the glee club met, a tiny smile creeping upon her face when she saw the room lit with a white glow of fresh lilies. The smell was intoxicating; the view was breathtaking. Brittany sat on a small bench in the middle of the room, a shy smile gracing her lips.
"They're the lesbian of flowers," Brittany replied, taking a moment before she stood from where she was seated, grabbing two tickets and handing them to Santana as they met in stride. "I also got you this..."
Santana took the tickets in her hands and scanned them carefully, "Two tickets to Lesbos island? Britt, these are both one way."
"Yeah, I figured once we arrived at the girl on girl paradise that is Lesbos that we'd never want to leave."
"Okay, listen," Santana began, grabbing her ex-girlfriend by the hand and leading her back toward the bench to sit down. "Brittany, I love you, but running away with me and living on a lesbian island is not what you want to do. You just don't want to go back to MIT, and you shouldn't. Just because your amazing mathematical mind can solve all the world's problems doesn't mean that it has to. It's not your dream, and neither is being with me."
"You're one to talk. Since when is becoming a Broadway star your goal in life?"
"A star is a star. It doesn't matter where in the sky I shine."
"I don't want to run away with you because I want to run away. I want to run away with you because you and I are the only truly awesome people I've ever met, and I'm tired of doing stuff that only matters to people less awesome than us."
"Okay, but this isn't like your math stuff. I'm going to be rich and famous, and this is a great first step for me," Santana fibbed. "And besides, I'm not going to let that dwarf Berry win."
"Listen," Brittany paused, turning her body toward Santana's. "You've spent most of your life in the closet because you cared what people thought about you. Walking away from a dream that you don't actually care about is you winning because it's you saying, 'This is not who I am and I don't care who knows it.'"
Santana stared into Brittany's eyes and smiled shyly as she looked downward.
"You know, it's funny," she said as she leaned her body against Brittany's, her head tucked comfortably against her shoulder as Brittany's fingers danced against her bare arm. "I spend months tangled up in knots and in five minutes you straighten me out. You really are a genius."
Brittany puckered her lips in a knowing smirk, "I'm just the world's foremost expert in the field of Santana Lopez."
Santana let out a light chuckle.
"So, what do you want to do?" Brittany finished.
Santana got wrapped up in her thoughts for a moment, relishing in the feeling of being held by Brittany. The silence between them was comfortable, and Santana knew this could be the moment that she finally told Brittany.
"Okay, so I have something to tell you," Santana began, seating herself upright against the back of the bench.
Brittany looked at her curiously and nodded her head for her to continue.
"Dani and I broke up."
Brittany furrowed her brow, silently pleading for more information.
"It wasn't working out. I think we both wanted something different from one another, and it just didn't feel like the right relationship for me anymore. I called her and broke up with her before you and I went to dinner together. It was the shittiest thing I've done in a long time, and I did it in the shittiest way, but I know it was the right thing to do."
"Thank you for telling me," Brittany offered. "I'm sorry you're having to go through that now. No matter the circumstances, it sucks."
"It was for the best, Britt," Santana replied, standing to her feet. "I'll be fine. And don't act like you're not happy about it."
The last part made Brittany fight a smirk.
Brittany stood from the bench, too, giving Santana a longing look as they stood face to face. Santana reached up and brushed a long lock of Brittany's hair out of her face and behind her ear. Her eyes began to water, but she willed the tears to stay behind. She took a deep breath and tried to smile the sorrow away. Brittany knew better, though, and whispered that everything would be okay as she pulled Santana closer, wrapping her arms tightly around her shoulders. Santana slid her arms around Brittany's waist and locked them tightly, breathing in the girl that never failed to make her whole.
"Come to my place tonight," Brittany said in a soft voice, her words pressing into the side of Santana's ear. "No one has to know. My mom and dad are in Cincinnati for the night visiting my grandmother, so it's just going to be me. Stay the night. Please. We can watch something on TV, pig out on junk food, and talk about how much everyone sucks. You know, like we used to do when Quinn would piss us off."
Santana couldn't fight off the growing smile even if she tried.
"As friends," Brittany added. "Just to keep your mind off of everything."
"Fine," Santana replied, gripping tighter against Brittany's waist. "As friends..."
They were seated on the couch in Brittany's living room, their feet propped up lazily on the coffee table, as The Fresh Prince of Bel Air ran quietly in the background. Neither of them were paying any attention as the television was clearly on for noise to accompany their mindless chatter. Brittany's hand remained occupied in a bag of Hot Cheetos while Santana spooned through a pint of chocolate ice cream. They talked about everything and nothing, and Santana enjoyed the laid-back atmosphere with no expectations.
"If your mom was here right now, she'd yell at us for putting our feet all up on her furniture," Santana grinned, spooning a scoop of ice cream upside down into her mouth. "I kind of miss those days."
"Yeah, but my dad would be sitting between us doing the exact same thing, so I don't think she can really win," Brittany chuckled.
"This has been really nice," Santana said after a brief pause. "I appreciate you spending your evening with me… again. I'm sure you had a ton of better things you could have been doing. And it's been a long ass time since I've had ice cream for dinner."
"Of course, Santana. I love spending time with you."
Santana leaned forward and put her empty pint of ice cream down onto the coffee table, licking a few smudges off of her thumb, before settling against Brittany's side. She leaned her head against her shoulder as Brittany smiled and snaked her arm around her waist, pulling her in closer. Their eyes darted back toward the television and settled in quietly. Brittany ran her hand up and down Santana's arm, scratching lovingly against her skin with blunt nails.
It was only a few minutes later, all warm and cozy pressed against her favorite person in the world, when Santana felt the sudden urge to forgo all willpower and logical reasoning and just kiss Brittany. She wanted to push her back against the couch, climb on top of her, and show her how much she has missed her. She wanted to feel her, to taste her, to remind herself why they belonged together. It was always Brittany.
She had just broken up with Dani and struggled with whether or not this was a good idea, or too soon, or whether or not to allow her heart to guide her when it tried so hard to show her the way.
She wanted it so bad. Once she crossed that line, it couldn't be taken back. Cuddling together on the couch, although suspect to many, was something they had always done; it was comfort and familiarity. It could mean just that, and on some level it already did.
She did everything she could do to fight the urges she felt, and Brittany standing up to excuse herself to the kitchen only helped Santana reign it back in. She sat up on the couch, staring blankly outside of the window, as she heard water running in the background and movement throughout the kitchen as cabinet doors were opened and closed.
Brittany was taking a bit too long and Santana stood to her feet and pattered down the hall toward her. When she got to the kitchen she leaned against the doorframe, crossed her arms, and smiled at what she saw. Brittany had a bottle of wine tucked underneath her arm, two glasses in her hands, while also trying to balance a tray of perfectly sliced cheese cubes and crackers. Santana's smile grew wider as she watched her, Brittany's tongue barely sticking out between her lips in concentration.
"Let me help you," Santana offered, walking toward her and taking the tray of cheese and crackers in her hands.
"Bedroom," Brittany urged, nodding her head toward the staircase. "Go on up. I'll shut the living room down."
Santana headed toward Brittany's bedroom, the warm temperature of the room blanketing her skin as she entered, and smiled to herself as she looked around. It looked exactly the same as it did while they were in high school. Everything from that damn floral wallpaper to the Zac Efron poster in the corner, it was all Brittany. She blushed when she realized that Brittany still had several pictures of them tacked onto her wall, even several of Santana by herself. Her eyes scanned through them and she could vividly remember each one being taken.
A few minutes later she could hear Brittany trailing up the stairs, so she hurried and set the tray of food down onto the dresser and took a seat at the edge of the bed. When Brittany entered and did the same, then turned to close the door behind her, there was an immediate shift in the air. Santana felt it, she knew Brittany felt it, and it sent chills down her spine. They had been alone in the house the entire time, but something about being in Brittany's room was different. It was a place where many lasting memories had been made. It also felt like home.
Santana fumbled through Brittany's drawers looking for something to wear to sleep. They never brought their own pajamas when one agreed to sleep over at the other's house, and it was no different tonight despite the difference in circumstances.
Santana excused herself to the bathroom, washing the makeup from her face and brushing her teeth, and settled into an old pair of Brittany's gym shorts and a tank top. She removed her contacts and slid her black-rimed glasses onto her face. She looked back at her reflection and frowned. She looked exhausted. The last few days had taken a toll on her.
Brittany took her turn in the bathroom and Santana watched as Lord Tubbington wobbled behind his favorite human and sat outside of the bathroom door meowing to be let inside. She paced around the room nervously before she decided to be useful and ready the bed for the night. She tossed the insane number of decorative pillows into a messy pile next to her on the floor. She fluffed her pillow, fluffed Brittany's, and fluffed hers again. She nervously tugged at the corners of the comforter as she pulled it back to reveal the whitest sheets she had ever seen. Everything in Santana's room was dark and broody, and Brittany's was always bright and cheerful.
"You look super cute," Brittany said as she stepped inside the room with Lord Tubbington tucked against her chest, alarming Santana as she, once again, found herself fluffing her pillow. "I haven't seen you in your glasses in ages."
"Yeah," Santana replied softly, glancing away from Brittany's stare. "I'm still blind as a bat without them."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, of course, Britt."
"You just seem a little tense."
"Maybe I am," she admitted lowly, sitting down onto the edge of the bed again.
"What's on your mind? Do you want to talk about this?"
"You know it's not exactly my strong suit. Never will be."
"It's up to you," Brittany replied nonchalantly, walking toward the bed as Lord Tubbington sprang from her arms and settled down. "You know I'm here if you want to."
Santana wanted to, she wanted to do a lot of things, but there were so many questions anchoring her down that prevented her from taking that leap forward. She knew she wanted to be with Brittany, that was not a question, but was it the right time?
Would her friends judge her for moving on from Dani so fast? It was Brittany, though, so does that even count? Would it work out between them? Would they find themselves in a long distance relationship again? Could they handle that now that they were a little bit older and more mature? If not, where would they live? Could they financially support one another? Would they go back to school? Does any of this even matter right now? The questions were non-stop.
She looked back at Brittany who gently placed Lord Tubbington onto the floor and then climbed into bed and underneath the comforter. She propped herself up on her side, her elbow holding most of her weight, as she looked lovingly at Santana as if she didn't have a concern in the world.
"I do have something I need to tell you," Santana admitted, her eyes dark and heavy behind her glasses, as she climbed up her side of the bed.
Before Brittany could react or say anything, Santana pushed her down onto her back, crawled halfway on top of her, and pressed their lips firmly together. Santana was overcome with emotion and immediately released a soft whimper of pleasure as she cupped Brittany's face in her hands. Brittany let out a surprised grunt as she willingly kissed her back, their lips moving together eagerly.
Three seconds turned into thirty, and when Santana took Brittany's bottom lip fully between hers, sucking on it with desperation, Brittany managed to mumble her name and get her attention.
Brittany pulled back a little when Santana released her lip, looking at her with unfeigned concern, "What—what are you doing? Is this what you want? What you really want?"
Santana began to cry, tears falling quickly from the corners of her eyes. She smiled down at Brittany, sniffled, and said, "All I want to do right now is shut out the world and remember what it's like to be with you again."
"Oh, Santana. Please," Brittany whispered, pulling Santana back down on top of her to kiss her again, absorbing Santana's tears as they continued to fall. "Yes. Please. I want that, too."
Brittany pulled away from the kiss and gently guided Santana onto her back, taking the opportunity to lift one leg over her body and straddle her waist. Santana swallowed thickly as she watched Brittany pull her sleep shirt over her head and toss it hastily to the floor. Her breasts were fully exposed, her pink nipples perking up at the sudden cool air, and all Santana could do was stare as she tried to calm her rapid breathing.
This is really about to happen.
"My body has missed you," Brittany said. "I've missed you."
Brittany grabbed Santana's left hand and ran it slowly down the valley between her breasts as she added, "Touch me. Show me how much you've missed me."
Santana guided her hand over one of Brittany's breasts and cupped the form tightly. She unknowingly licked her lips as she began to knead her palm against it, watching Brittany close her eyes as she relished in the moment. Santana took the nipple between her thumb and index finger and massaged it, occasionally tugging it forward, eliciting a quiet moan from Brittany's lips.
"I want it in my mouth," Santana whispered, causing Brittany to open her eyes and smirk pompously.
"Then take it."
Brittany shifted her body so that Santana could sit up, but remained straddled across her lap. Santana smiled as she paused for a moment to let her hands rub up and down against the outside Brittany's thick thighs, enjoying the feeling of Brittany sitting on top of her and just being with her.
"Can I take this off first?" Brittany asked, tugging at the bottom of Santana's tank top.
Santana lifted her arms in the air as Brittany pulled the thin piece of material over her head, tossing it aside on the floor to join hers. She wasted no time ducking her head down to take Brittany's nipple in her mouth, sucking hungrily it as if she needed to remind herself how sweet of a taste she knew it was.
Santana's hands found their way to Brittany's thighs again, dragging her nails against them as her mouth worked. Santana felt her cool touch on her back as Brittany wrapped her arms around her and began exploring, enjoying the sensation of Brittany's fingertips dragging along her bare skin.
Santana returned her mouth to Brittany's and began kissing her again, wasting no time sliding her tongue past thin lips. She moaned lowly when Brittany wrapped her own tongue around hers as they kissed harder and deeper, unable to satiate their desire for one another. She moved her hands up to Brittany's waist and gripped tightly as she felt herself being lowered down against the bed again, their mouths still connected.
When they pulled away for a moment to catch some air, Santana felt Brittany's hands slide up to her face and gently remove her glasses, carefully placing them on the nightstand. She looked up at her, mouth slightly open and bruised from kissing, as her chest heaved with each intake of breath. She felt like she knew what this moment meant for them, but she needed it to be said. She always needed things to be said.
"I don't know what the future holds," Santana panted. "But I know that I can't see it without you. I can't promise that things will be easy or—"
"Hush," Brittany interjected. "I'm yours."
Santana pulled Brittany back down into a kiss, a chaste kiss, one that said I'm yours, too.
Brittany slid down Santana's body, brushing the comforter out of their way as she perched herself on her knees between her legs, and hooked her index fingers into Santana's shorts and panties. She wiggled her eyebrows playfully as she tugged them down in one swift movement, Santana lifting each of her legs to assist her as she returned a sly grin. Brittany took a moment to remove her own, a shy giggle escaping her lips as Santana kept her eyes on her, unapologetically checking her out.
Santana saw the want in Brittany's eyes as she pushed her legs open further, wasting no time in showing what she wanted. Brittany eased back onto her stomach and settled between her legs, kissing alongside each of her Santana's thighs as the smell of arousal billowed in the air. Brittany placed one final kiss against her before entering her tongue inside Santana's parted folds, emitting a high-pitched moan from the girl above her as she ran it the length of her.
"Fuck."
Brittany relaxed her mouth against Santana's clit, noting the swell as her lips captured it teasingly. She sucked against her, moaning to herself in pleasure, feeling one of Santana's hands push against her head as she scratched roughly against her scalp. Santana began to buck her hips a little, the need for release growing with each passing second, challenging Brittany to kick it up a notch. She nudged Santana's legs even wider, causing them to bow at the knee, as she teased a finger at her entrance while continuing to keep her mouth occupied. She made slow, small circles as she heard Santana mumble incoherently in Spanish.
After Brittany recognized Santana begging in her native tongue, she slipped her two middle fingers inside of Santana. She pushed all the way in to the second knuckle, filling her completely. She lifted her head to watch Santana's reaction, smirking when she saw that her eyes were closed tightly and she was gritting her teeth together. She pulled her fingers out slowly, completely, and eased them back in. She repeated this a few times and became aroused herself simply watching as Santana writhed.
Brittany began pumping faster, her fingers coated as she moved with ease, sitting up on her knees between Santana's legs. She picked up her pace even more as she watched Santana's breasts bounce back and forth with the movement, feeling her own release coming soon. Santana draped her arm over her eyes as she began panting loudly with each thrust. Brittany continued to work as she crawled up beside Santana, throwing one leg over hers, desperate to see her.
"Let me look at you," she whispered.
Santana moved her arm down and barely managed to open her eyes, looking back at Brittany expressionless, as she was too lost in the sensation between her legs. Her mouth flung open, her panting became louder, and her eyes began to roll back into her head. Brittany sped up knowing that Santana was close.
"Brittany," Santana mumbled incoherently.
"I'm right here."
Brittany leaned forward and began to kiss Santana roughly; she knew she was close.
"Brittany, I'm going to... shit, I'm about to come."
"Come on," Brittany panted against her mouth. "Come all over me. I want to hear you. It's been too fucking long."
"Oh, fuck..."
"Let it out..."
Santana moaned deeply from the hollow of her throat as she tightened against Brittany's fingers, thrusting her hips roughly against her trying to will every second of pleasure that she could. Brittany sunk her head into the crook of Santana's neck for a brief moment as she absorbed the sweet sound of her release. She continued her pace steadily before eventually slowing down and stilling her fingers, lifting her head and watching tiny beads of sweat drip down Santana's forehead.
A few moments later, Brittany began to slowly pump her fingers again as she scanned Santana's face for her reaction. When she saw Santana bite her bottom lip into her mouth, she knew round two had been approved. Brittany was aroused enough simply by getting Santana off and knew that's all it would take if she could somehow get her rolling her hips again. And just like that, Santana began to rock forward.
"Mmm," Brittany hummed. "Come on, baby girl, let's do it again. This time I'm going to come with you."
"What... what are you doing to me here?" Santana pleaded as her head rolled against the pillow.
Brittany increased her speed and added a third finger and it was enough of a spark to send Santana into a quick second orgasm. At the sound of Santana moaning her name repeatedly, Brittany began to grind herself against the side of Santana's thigh, tipping over and coming hard against her. Santana clutched her closely as Brittany pressed her face against Santana's chest, biting against the skin beneath her in attempt to stifle her moans.
They eventually settled and the room quietened. Santana groaned when Lord Tubbington jumped on the middle of the bed and forced space between them, meowing his displeasure of his kingdom being invaded. Brittany playfully swatted Santana's hand when she attempted to shoo him away.
"So, when do I get to tell our friends that we're back together?" Brittany asked a beat later, exhaling as her hot breath sent a cool chill down Santana's spine.
"Seriously, Britt? Can't that at least wait until tomorrow morning?"
Brittany laughed as they settled into one another closely and in a more comfortable position, Santana reaching down and grabbing the comforter and pulling it over their bodies. They were both sated and happily content.
They remained in bed for several more minutes, unable to find any energy to move their exhausted limbs, just holding onto one another and focusing on the present moment.
"Why does sex makes me so hungry?" Santana contemplated, chuckling to herself.
"I knew that would happen. Why do you think I brought the wine and cheese tray?" Brittany boasted. "If you want, we can put a movie on while we snack on it."
"Yeah, Tubbs, do something meaningful and bring us our wine," Santana heckled, nudging the fat cat playfully with her knee.
Brittany lazily pushed at Santana in protest.
Santana paused abruptly and cocked her head to the side, "Hold up, Lady Pierce. You knew this would happen? So, you were planning on trying to get in my pants?"
"Well, think about it, I kinda win either way. Sex and cheese or, you know, just cheese. Neither one is a bad deal for me."
Santana rolled her eyes as Brittany muffled her laugh by nuzzling into the crook of Santana's neck.
"I do want to take a shower first and I'm kind of hoping that you'll join me. Right now I just want to lay here with you and enjoy being yours again," Brittany added.
"You were never not mine," Santana replied, leaning over to kiss the top of Brittany's head. "Somewhere within all that I just needed to find you again."