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How’s a brother supposed to up and get his relaxation on when he can’t find the remote?
You could’ve sworn you left your super secret good vibrations toy’s remote somewhere around here. You can’t up and even turn it on without the remote. You’ve turned your room upside down and back lookin’ for it. A dude could straight up get the blues if he spent the past hour daydreaming about his red crush, but couldn’t do nothin’ about the squirmin’ down south, you know? You let out a deep, disappointed sigh as you turn over the last pile of dirty laundry.
You flop down onto the horn pile in your room. It’s even bigger than the one downstairs, but only you’ve ever napped up on it. You might as well up and pull it out, since the super secret good vibrations aren’t vibratin’ today. You really should have waited to even up and fill your nook til you’d found the remote anyways. You slide your pants off, (not that it takes much hehehe honk), and out reaches your bulge again. You don’t wear underwear much since it’s never clean, but a nice clean pair would be nice for keeping your bulge somewhere away from your thighs.
You reach down and grab it by the base. It feels motherfuckin’ miraculous, so you pump that motherfucker a couple times for good measure. The fireworks are all up and exploding in your motherfuckin’ think pan, about the same time it occurs to you that you didn’t even check the horn pile downstairs. It could have up and fuckin’ fell out of your pocket.
Well, looks like your pants are up and coming back on.
By some miracle, you manage to wrangle your writhing bulge somewhere under your waistband and get your hands washed. The super secret good vibrations toy is still up in your nook, but you don’t fuckin’ care. You just bumble on down to the transport pad and warp on down. All your motherfuckin’ friends are up and trollin the human kids again, so nobody pays you no mind as you flop down in the horn pile. The cacophony of honking does get their attention tho.
“GAMZEE YOU DUMBASS CAN YOU NOT” your motherfuckin’ best friend says, “ONE OF THESE DAYS, I’M GOING TO JUST BE HERE BY MYSELF DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND YOU’RE GOING TO FLOP DOWN ON THAT GOD FORSAKEN PILE AND I WILL SOIL A BRAND NEW PAIR OF HATE STAINED PANTS, AND KANAYA IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE GREY BETWEEN ME AND YOUR FUCKING HORN PILE’” Your motherfuckin’ best friend is a riot.
You roll over, belly flat on the horn pile. This way, if that not-so-little motherfucker between your legs gets loose no one can see. Also, you can look for your remote better. Man, those nice cool horns of yours feel good on your hot bulge. Maybe you’ll just lie here a while. It’s so motherfuckin’ nice and comfy like.
“uUUUUHH…, gUYS, wHAT’S THIS REMOTE GO TO?”
“That Looks Like A Remote Of Some Sort.”
Uh oh.
“:33 < nepeta inquires if the remote belongs to her sweaty purrend?”
“D-- > I do not believe it is belongs to any electronics that I own.”
Motherfuck.
“OOOH! TH1S SOUNDS L1K3 4 MYST3RY.”
“NOT THIS AGAIN. ITS JUST A REMOTE, NOT A MURDER MYSTERY DINNER THEATER.”
“That Is Quite A Shame. I Made Costumes And Everything.”
“HUSH! TH3R3 1S 4 MYST3RY TH4T N33DS TO B3 SOLV3D H3R3!”
“:33 < the fierce tigress bats at the remote playfully, examining it carefully”
“ju2t turn iit on.”
MOTHERFUCK. You gotta up and find any fuckin’ way to abscond. You be hoping the mirthful messiahs come back soon, because if you don’t motherfuckin’ scoot you’ll be arriving to the dark carnival earlier than expected.
“Water you guys doing?”
“1NV3ST1G4T1NG TH3 C4S3 OF TH3 M1SS1NG R3MOT3 C4NT YOU S33?”
“Pro8a8ly 8etter than you can.”
“>8(”
You up and try to quietly get off of your horn pile, but the chorus of a thousand honks sings of your escape. You manage to slip deeper into the pile, half covered in horns.
“4H4! 1TS 4 SM4LL R3MOT3 RUN ON B4TT3R13S... P3RH4PS TO 4 H4NDH3LD D3V1C3?”
“ju2t turn the 2tupiid thiing on”
“wheres y0ur investigative spirit s0llux”
You manage to get up somehow, unearthing yourself from the pile. Miracles are ever flowing, and the noise distracts no one. You start sneaking off, stealthily. You step on a horn and about scare yourself half to death.
“GAMZEE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING”
Motherfuck. You freeze. You try to look like you’re not leaving, but you need to abscond. Like, motherfuckin NOW. Karkat looks at you like you’ve lost your fuckin’ mind.
“Y34H WH4TS TH3 HURRY? W3R3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4 SC3NT1LL4T1NG 1NV3ST1G4T1ON H3R3!” You hastily look for any exit. Your bulge is twinging. You know the rattling in your nook is going to start escalating any second now, and you are not prepared.
“wwas that a pun”
“M4YB3 >8)”
“wiill you ju2t turn iit on already?”
“I Dont Believe We Have Reached The First Musical Number Yet Sollux”
“ARE YOU SURE? IM PRETTY SURE WE’VE STARTED THE DANCE NUMBER. ANY SECOND NOW I’M GOING TO BURST OUT INTO SONG. THE CHORUS WILL BE A LOVELY BIT ON HOW FUCKING STUPID THIS WHOLE IDIOTIC SCENARIO IS.”
“It Is A Catchy Tune”
“:33 < the fierce lioness paws at the button, purrhaps turning it on will help”
“BR1LL14NT SUGG3ST1ON H34D 1NV3ST1G4TOR”
“why diidn't ii thiink of that”
Motherfucking fuck. Mirthful Messiahs take me now.
You try your motherfuckin best not to flinch when they press the button. The super secret good vibrations are all up and firing warning shots up your spine to your thinkpan, all saying “AbScOnD MoThErFuCkEr". You try to muffle the rumble as best you can, but your bulge is in the way of you clamping your legs shut.
“D --> you seem uncomfortable, highb100d”
“Oh i'm fInE. mOtHeRfUcKiNg fEeLiNg jUsT FuCkInG DaNdY. eVeRyThInG'S FuCkIn' FaNtAsTiC.” You aren’t lying. You’re a little twitchy, but you’re feeling all kinds of warm up in your think pan.
“HMMMM... L3TS S33 NOW WH4T COULD W3 H4V3 TURN3D ON?...”
You, mostly. Sometimes you think that teal bitch would look just fucking great in pitch.
“:33 < purrhaps mew n33d to get closer for it to work?”
“TO WH4T THOUGH? 1TS GOT 4 COUPL3 BUTTONS ON 1T BUT WH4T DO TH3Y GO TO?”
“let me 2ee that.” Sollux snatches the remote. His eyes widen, and he grins. “well, ii thiink ju2t turniing thii2 on won't do much. you 2ee the2e knob2 here?”
You motherfucker. You know. I will peel the flesh from your skin and knock out every one of your stupid pointy teeth. Don’t you dare. … Well…. Maybe it wouldn’t be SO motherfuckin’ terrible…
“they turn up whatever thii2 goe2 two.”
“W3LL W3LL L3TS S33 WH4T TH1S B4BY C4N DO TH3N SH4LL W3?”
M-Motherfucking Miracles. Your bulge is firmly pressed against your nook, and your insides are popping up sick spires on your think pan’s Richter scale. You don’t even notice that the rumble in the jungle is a little louder than it was.
“:33 < the lioness's ears purrk up. she hears something.”
“i UHHH,,,, i HEAR SOMETHING TOO, iTS REALLY FAINT,”
“>:? HMMM.... BUT WH3R3 1S 1T COM1NG FROM?”
“t)(is is so muc)( fun!”
“OH, DON’T YOU KNOW? THAT’S THE SOUND OF THE CHORUS COMING IN. A GREAT BIG FUCK YOU, SUNG TO THE HEAVENS. THE HEAVENS REPLY WITH A THUNDERING VOICE THAT YES, INDEED, THIS IS THE DUMBEST FUCKING THING WE’VE FOUND TO DO. THIS WHOLE TIME WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT JACK, BUT IT WAS REALLY THE BOREDOM THAT WOULD TAKE US ALL.”
You stumble over some, trying to stay out of the way. You manage to stand so that the hum between your legs doesn’t reverberate. This is pretty fuckin’ entertaining, all these friends making sweet miracles spring from up inside you, not knowing what they’re up and doing. Your bulge sure is grinding hard up against your labia, and you’re just doing fucking great. Motherfuckin’ fantastic.
“Hey! will you 8e quiet? We're trying to find the mysterious hum!”
“SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR QUEST TO FIND THE MYSTERIOUS HJMMING NOISE. I’LL JUST GO SIT OVER HERE IN A CORNER AND TRY TO WRAP MY MIND AROUND THE INFINTESIMAL IMPORTANCE OF YOUR TASK.”
“Good, Go Sit In A Corner And Think About What You’ve Done.”
“THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT KANAYA”
You’re just sitting back watching all the motherfuckin’ shenanigans going on in front of you. It is just too funny watching Terezi toss up all the stuff on the desks, looking everywhere but your nook. Sollux and Eridan are all up and getting themselves worked up putting everything straight again. Man, it sure does feel fuckin’ wonderful between your legs. Your bulge is wriggling around at the entrance, and the motherfuckin’ good vibrations are thrumming away at your think pan. Everything’s just going fine -!!
“D --> Is everything alright, highb100d? You appear to be in some duress.”
“DoN'T YoU WoRrY NoNe aBoUt mE. i jUsT-” …have a huge bulge trying to inch its way inside your already occupied nook… “-sTuBbEd mY ToE On sOmEtHiNg” Equius looks at you questioningly. You had to wince like a nook-wriggler when your bulge pushed its tip in. You’re trying to maneuver it back out, but you can’t think of a subtle way to do it. Terezi flips over a crate, creating enough of a noise to distract everyone momentarily. You pull your bulge back out, but that doesn’t solve the problem…
“UGH! 1 C4NT 3V3N H34R 1T 4NYMOR3. 1M TURN1NG 1T UP ON3 MOR3 NOTCH. 3V3RYBODY HUSH!!!” she says. You are so motherfuckin’ in for it. She cranks it up another three notches, and you’re seeing pitch. There are straight up fires roarin’ up your spine to your pan, and your legs are all but vibratin’ too. You plop down on one of the pillows Kanaya has strewn around, but the vibrations are still audible. You try your best to muffle it but at this speed nothing will stop the good vibrations from ringing out. It finally occurs to you that maybe this whole public business wasn’t your best idea.
“H4 H4! 1 H34R 1T!! 1TS COM1NG FROM SOM3WH3R3 OV3R H3R3!!”
“:33 < the huntress and the dragon stalk their prey quietly, so they can hear its last breaths.”
“You two are hopeless. Let a real treasure hunter help you out.”
“4LR1GHT VR1SK4 F1RST ON3 TO F1ND 1T W1NS!”
“You’re on! >::::::::)”
Oh fuck. You’ll never live this down if they all motherfuckin’ find you out. You got to find a way to get back to the transporter, before you all up and use this pillow for a bucket sponge. You don’t got much fuckin’ time either. Your bulge is trying to squeeze back in, your nook is a wet mess, and your think pan is fuzzier than it would be after a whole sopor pie.
You’re one lucky motherfucker. Your best bro Karkat is up and walking over towards you. I guess, stomping over towards you. Maybe he could help a brother out. You pull your husktop out of your sylladex and start typing.
terminallyCapricious started trolling carcinoGeneticist :
tC: DoN'T SaY AnYtHiNg bUt i rEaLlY NeEd sOmE MoThErFuCkIn' AsSiStAnCe uP OvEr hErE
cG: WHAT THE FUCK?
cG: YOU ARE SITTING ON A PILLOW DUMBASS WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED?
cG: WE ARE LITERALLY RIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM FROM EACH OTHER. YOU COULD JUST GET UP AND GET WHATEVER IT IS YOURSELF.
tC: NoT ThAt kInD Of aSsIsTaNcE. i gOt sOmE MoThErFuCkIn' GoOd vIbRaTiOnS Up aNd sHoOtInG MiRaClEs tHrOuGh mY ThInK PaN, aNd i'm aBoUt tO Be sHoOtInG SoMe mIrAcLeS Of mY OwN If i dOn't fUcKiN' fInD A WaY To aBsCoNd hErE SoOn.
cG: IS THAT EVEN ENGLISH? HOW MANY FUCKING PIES DID YOU EAT THIS TIME?
“uUHHHH,,,,GUYS, i THINK ITS COMING FROM OVER WHERE GAMZEE IS SITTING,”
“Good ear, pupa! I'm gonna 8eat you to the punch this time. >:::::::::::)”
“YOU C4N TRY!”
tC: HeLp :o(
cG: WAIT… OH. MY. FUCKING… GAMZEE. LITERALLY. YOU ARE FUCKING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU NOOK-MUCHING WRIGGLER. WHAT THE FUCK.
tC: PlEaSe? :o(
cG: UGH. FINE, I GUESS I’LL HELP.
“HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES LET ME SEE THAT REMOTE” he says, jumping between them and you. Your nook is on fire and you are so motherfuckin’ close. You have GOT to get out of here.
“what's the 8ig deal??”
“Y34H WHY 4R3 YOU SO 1NT3R3ST3D 4LL OF TH3 SUDD3N? >8(”
“IT MIGHT BELONG TO ME, THAT’S WHY. LET ME JUST SEE IT.”
Sollux just about fuckin’ spit out his drink. No, wait, he did. Eridan looks like he could up and cull a motherfucker. No one’s quite sure if it was intentional. They’re fighting now.
“JUST FUCKING GIVE ME THE REMOTE. I JUST WANT TO LOOK AT IT.”
“NOT UNL3SS YOU C4N SHOW M3 WH4T 1T GO3S TO!!”
“Yeah, spill the 8eans! What's it go to, huh?”
“NONE OF YOUR FUCKING 8USINESS”
“Wow, rude!!!!!!!!”
Terezi and Vriska have started tossing the remote over Karkat’s head. Nepeta has joined, and is up and motherfuckin’ tossing it around like a ball of yarn. Equius is trying to herd Nepeta, and Tavros fell out of his chair. Aradia, Fef, and Kanaya are trying to keep Sollux and Eridan from murdering each other. You take advantage of the commotion to try and slip towards the transporter. The good vibrations between your legs are just about to push you over the motherfuckin’ edge, and your bulge shoving itself inside is NOT fucking helping. You stumble towards the transporter.
“2o iit2 your2? that explaiin2 2o much”
“SO WHAT IF IT IS?”
“ju2t explaiin2 2ome of the my2teriiou2 noii2e2 comiing from your room, kk”
“SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CAPTOR.”
“you and i havve more pressing matters to attend to, you yellow blooded swine!”
“TURN 1T 4LL TH3 W4Y UP! W3LL F1ND 1T B3FOR3 H3 C4N!”
Motherfuck. Your bulge just wriggled over halfway inside and you’re already about to fuckin’ pail all up and over everything. Please don’t turn up the-
“full power to the thrusters!” Vriska says, turning it to maximum and tossing it high in the air.
-eeeeeeeHOOOLLLYYY MOTHERFUCKIN MIRACLES. You won’t make it. Your legs quiver and you trip. There’s sick fires in your belly and fireworks in your thinkpan as you finally orgasm.
“Catch it Pupa!”
“uUH,,,,,,”
“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TAVROS.”
“uUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,,,,,,”
Karkat lunges for the remote, shoving you onto the transport. You instantly zap onto another floor, and roll off to one side. Wave after wave of pleasure rolls over you, like you’re the shore to a motherfuckin’ ocean of miracles. Your pants are soggy and the floor’s a bit slick when you’ve finished, but you’re too tired to move. The good vibrations finally stilled, so you guess your motherfuckin’ best friend came through for you. Looks like you somehow wound up on one of the upper levels, so no one is going to come up here anytime soon anyways, so you just roll over and let the motherfuckin’ miracles take you off to dreamland.
----------------------------------
It’s been an hour or so since you up and got your nap on, and you finally wake up. You still need to change out your pants, but you’ve still got a happy feelin’ all inside and don’t feel like getting up just yet. You decide to pull out your husktop again, and let your motherfuckin’ best friend know what a fuckin’ miracle he is. Looks like he’s been trying to talk to you too.
carcinoGeneticist began trolling terminallyCapricious
cG: GAMZEE.
cG: GAMZEE MAKARA.
cG: FUCKING ASSHOLE CHECK TROLLIAN ALREADY.
cG: WHAT FLOOR DID YOU EVEN GO TO?
cG: I GOT THE REMOTE.
cG: OH, AND NOW TEREZI AND VRISKA ARE MAD AT ME FOR SPOILING ALL THE FUN.
cG: SOLLUX AND ERIDAN DIDN’T KILL EACH OTHER, BUT NOW HE THINKS I… YOU KNOW. I MEAN, I DO, BUT NOT LIKE THAT. ITS MORE OF A LATE-NIGHT PRIVATE THING FOR ME WHEN IM BORED.
cG: WAIT, WHY AM I TELLING YOU THAT.
cG: JUST PRETEND YOU NEVER HEARD THAT.
cG: THAT IS, IF YOU EVER CHECK YOUR FUCKING TROLLIAN.
tC: HoNk. :0)
cG: ABOUT DAMN TIME.
tC: YoUrE ThE BeSt mOtHeRfUcKiNg fRiEnD A GuY CoUlD AsK FoR
cG: YES I KNOW BUT WHERE ARE YOU?
tC: ToOk a nAp aFtEr tHe fUcKiN' mIrAcUlOuS MoMeNt i hAd oN ThE UpPeR FlOoR
cG: HOW NICE. IM SURE YOU SLEPT LIKE A ROCK WHILE I WAS DOWN HERE SAVING YOUR ASS.
tC: I SuRe dId. HoNk :o)
cG: SIGH. OK. I PUT YOUR STUPID REMOTE IN YOUR STUPID ROOM SO YOUR STUPID ASS CAN FIND IT WITHOUT GOING DOWN WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS NEXT TIME. THINK YOU CAN REMEMBER THAT?
tC: SuRe tHiNg bRo.
cG: GOOD. NOW GO GET YOURSELF CLEANED UP AND LEAVE ME TO MY EMBARASSMENT.
tC: HoNk :o)
carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling terminallyCapricious
You sit there for a good long while pondering the wonders of the universe. Your whole body feels like the universe up and gave you a full body massage, all while your motherfuckin’ best friend had your back. Also, you all up and gave your friends something motherfuckin’ fun to do too, even if they never found out what they were looking for. It sort of made the whole thing a little more miraculous, you think.
Motherfuckin’ Miracles, man.