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Hailey startled awake. Not really though since she hadn’t actually been sleeping--just dancing around the edges as she had for days now, getting sometimes a taste for just a moment before her body and mind rejected it and her eyes snapped open. But this was different; She startled because she felt waves of something; Disappointment. Hurt. Sadness. Anger. Jay.
She sat up slowly and tried to focus on him, questioning if he was really there, really looking at her that way.
He was.
He looked so sad, so torn, so broken. And in that second she knew. Her brain didn’t care if it was just a good guess that he’d made or if he had the details but it was enough for her to wonder if she was relieved or not. To know that he knew.
Jay’s voice came to her in a fog. “Why didn’t you say anything?’
She blinked a few times as the instinct she’d relied on for survival all these weeks kicked in. Hiding. Deflecting. Avoiding.
“Can we---I can’t…later?” She stalled desperately, her voice raspy from whisky and depletion. Using her exhaustion, her insomnia was low she knew but hell she’d used being upset about Kim as a cover before so she knew how low she could go. “I’m just so tired…”
“Cuz you’re gonna sleep?” An eyebrow raised as he questioned her, showing how little he believed the excuse.
Cold water could have poured down on her and it would have had the same effect. Hailey was instantly awake from both Jay’s words and his tone. It wasn’t like him to be so rough or sarcastic. And she knew immediately that at whatever pre-dawn hour this was, on whatever day it was going to be, that this would be the one that would shatter what was left of her heart. She’d known it was coming at some point, that she deserved it, but it didn’t mean she wanted it.
Her mouth worked, trying to form words but she was in a stupor and couldn’t make any, didn’t even know which ones to try. So she simply stopped and watched him, memorizing what she could.
“Why, Hailey.” His tone again. Quiet. Level. Grim. Pained.
With a ragged sigh she ran a hand through her hair, pulling it over a shoulder. “Why what?”
“Why’d you go to Voight that night?”
“What?” She was genuinely surprised. She’d expected to be questioned about her killing Roy, her covering it up, but she hadn’t expected this.
“Don’t do that.” His head shook away her question as he took in a breath and moved to sit at the edge of the bed. Closer to her than before but still away. “Why. Why didn’t you come help me and Kev, or go back to the district, or—why’d you go to him?”
Hailey pulled her knees up against her chest and blew out a breath. Her cheek rested against them as she wrapped her arms around and was quiet. When she did speak it was in such a quiet, dull tone that Jay had to nearly strain to hear her. “I’ve asked myself that question….so many times. And I—I don’t know.” She shook her head a bit. “I just—he gave us half the list of Roy’s LKA’s. Adam and I knew it was wrong after the second house but it was getting late and ...Makayla. I just…I don’t know, I knew Voight had to have done it for a reason.” Her head lifted and she looked at Jay in the dim light. “I just wanted to find Kim.” Her voice faltered and she tried to strengthen it but couldn’t. “I thought Voight had something…a reason for keeping the addresses he did. Or...I thought I could stop him ” The next admission hurt and when she said it it was with closed eyes. “or...maybe…maybe he knew better.” Hailey pushed hair behind her ears and took in a ragged breath. She’d started to talk, to do the thing she wasn’t supposed to, and now she couldn’t stop.
“I wish I hadn’t, Jay. I do. I wish I could take back that decision every day. Rewrite it somehow so I came home instead, came to you, helped patrol, anything but go there.”
The silence stifled the air between them as she tasted every word she wasn’t supposed to have said, and he mulled over what he’d heard.
“What’d you do?”
It took her a moment to answer, watching his jaw twitch impatience with the answer, with her, started brewing. “You already know.”
“What’d you do.” He repeated it but it still wasn’t a question. He knew and she knew it. He just wanted to hear her say it.
This was it. She could feel it. The end of the line, of the story, of her career, of her family in the unit, of them.
“I shot Roy.” Those 3 words. Three simple words. “I killed him.” If Hailey could have felt it she’d have been shocked at her lack of emotion. But she was numb now and took a moment to look at Jay. To see if she could feel it when his love was withdrawn. But she wasn’t feeling that either. It was still just a painful nothing. When Jay didn’t say anything else she continued as though any other words would make a difference. “Voight had beaten him….badly. I tried to stop ... I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, I was just so…. You found Kim and he was already cuffed and…I thought unconscious but….Voight went to get him up and he just---he grabbed his gun and they struggled……I pulled my weapon…yelled to Roy to drop it…..but they just kept fighting for it……. I killed him. And then…it had never been called in so I had to, to keep the secret….”
Her breath had been coming faster as she spoke, and her stomach churned as she relived the memory. Jay put a hand to her knee, tried to steady her, and that was all it took to send her running for the bathroom.
The whiskey from earlier leaving her system and her emotions barreling back down on her left her even more weak and exhausted than she’d been even 15 minutes ago. Hailey used her hands to essentially climb the wall back to a standing position, made her way to the sink to rinse her mouth and took a moment to let the counter take her weight. Looking at herself in the mirror she was met by the same stranger she’d been seeing more and more of lately. Pale skin, lank hair, dark circles under the eyes, only now she sported bruises on her forehead, her cheeks. She was the liar. The cheater of justice. The one who reminded her that sleep wasn’t what she needed-- it was continuing the cover that would save her. The one that told her to listen to her boss, that he knew better. Best. Knew her better, maybe even best. Because they were the same. He’d save her while she drowned, she just had to keep waiting.
She closed her eyes in resignation. She’d worked hard—so hard—to contain this. She hated the lying, the keeping of this damn secret—but she’d done it. Fought against so much to keep it in, to keep it safe, that to have it out in the open, for Jay to somehow know, sent her scrambling for a footing that she wasn’t finding. She needed time to figure out what to do, what to say, how to be, but she was tired. So tired. She stepped away and slid down the wall slowly the second her back hit it.
Jay heard the quiet crying, heard her trying to stifle it, to keep shoving it down and he couldn’t have it. For weeks this was all she’d done, lived in it on her own, carried the weight, shoved it down. But now he knew and he could help her carry it, figure out how to get rid of it. He’d given her the space to get away one last time, to be sick, and time afterward, but he’d waited long enough for her to come out, to find out the truth. The time was now. “Hailey?”
She didn’t respond and he was about to go to her when her voice drifted into the bedroom. “Jay...just...please….don’t come in. I can’t—“ Her voice was weak to start but dropped off immediately and his head snapped up in response. He’d heard her words but he was done listening to her about this, and the sudden silence had his alertness ratchet up higher.
He strode through the bathroom door and found her on the floor, slumped forward with her elbows on her knees. Her head was down so he couldn’t see her face through the curtain of her hair.. He moved hurriedly and sat beside her.
It took a moment for him to speak, his own head tilting back and resting against the wall.
“I know you did but, Hailey, Roy was dead as soon as Voight found him. It’s not a way out but you need to know that.” He rubbed both hands over his face, trying to wipe away the reality of the conversation. “You wanted to find Kim, I get that,” He continued. “But Voight...Voight wanted to find Roy. After 5 seconds with him Voight knew he wasn’t gonna talk. Roy was never gonna walk out of that building.”
He waited a moment for her to speak, to stir, but he heard and felt nothing. “Hailey? Hey?” He moved her hair to see her and was instantly feeling her face, her neck, and with the other hand reaching for his phone, solidly fumbling to call his brother.
It was on speaker and he threw it to the floor. “Hailey? C’mon, Hailey…” Her eyes were open but deadly fixed on nothing and her breathing was so shallow, so barely there. The pulse he felt in her neck was fluttery and weak. Will picked up just as he was laying her on the floor.
“Sup Jay?”
At his brother’s voice Jay wondered if he should’ve called 911 instead, that maybe that was the call he should’ve made but his brother was still calling for him, asking if he was there, that he was at work and didn’t have time for butt dials.
“Yeah, yeah, I”m here. Will, it’s Hailey.” He rushed.”I need you here. She’s not right, hasn’t slept, she went through a bottle of whiskey….she’s so out of it Will, bring supplies, bring...I don’t know, just get here!”
He didn’t hear anything else Will said, just scooped Hailey up and brought her back to their bed. He left her long enough to grab a washcloth and wet it with cool water before being back at her side, sitting beside her and dabbing it at her forehead, her neck.
“C’mon Hailey, c’mon on back…”
She groaned a bit which he took as a good sign and he just sat beside her saying her name, rubbing her wrists, dabbing the clammy sweat that gathered in droplets around her hairline. It seemed like forever but he knew it wasn’t before he heard banging at the front door.
Will was hurrying behind him with a bag of grabbed supplies as Jay yelled at him about Hailey’s condition.
“I’m gonna see what I can do here, Jay but is there a reason you didn’t call 911?” He began to check Hailey’s vitals as he simultaneously grabbed items from his bag and listened to Jay tell him about Hailey’s insomnia, her state of mind, lack of eating, the drinking.
He was listening to Hailey’s heartbeat, checking her pulse and pinching the skin on her hand before checking her eyes. “Pupils are dilated, she’s definitely dehydrated...Grab the banana bag and the iv kit from my bag.”
“The what…? Jay began digging through.
“The yellow bag of fluids. Vitamins, electrolytes… Let’s see if this helps her out or if we need to bring her in.” Will moved quickly and efficiently, taking what Jay handed him and hanging the fluids from the lampshade and connecting it to the woman on the bed.
He stood back and watched the detective.
“How long has she not slept?”
Jay rubbed a hand over his face. “Umm, 4...maybe 5 days that I know of. Knowing Hailey though probably more.”
Will let out a low whistle. “That’s a long time to go. Anything else? She able to work?”
“Uhh, yeah. Cuz...she’s Hailey.” Jay shrugged lightly. At Will’s pointed look he added. “We’ve had...some rough cases.”
Will nodded. “Well, keep an eye on her. I’ll stay for a bit but gonna go call and check in with the hospital.”
Jay clasped his brother on the shoulder. “Thanks man.”
“We may still need to take her in, but you’ll know pretty fast if the fluids are helping. Either way though I’m gonna leave you with something to help her sleep.”
Jay’s eyes went back to Hailey as his brother left the room, and sat beside her on the bed. He picked up her hand and began to rub it, stroking up her arm and back down again.
“Hey,” he whispered, “you’re gonna be okay, Hailey. Just get some rest...sleep...it’s gonna be okay. All of it.” He repeated variations of it all for a few minutes, not knowing if she even heard him until she stirred and weakly grabbed for his fingers.
“M’ so sorry….wanted to….be better….tried...M’not…..so sorry…..”
“Hey,” Jay picked up Hailey’s hand and kissed it. “Shhhh, you’re good Hailey. So good. We’ll talk later, just rest…”
“She talking?” Will came back in. “That’s a good sign.” He checked Hailey again and smiled down at her as she attempted and failed to open her eyes. “Keep your eyes closed Hailey, I’m gonna give you something to help you really sleep.”
He took another banana bag and a syringe with a vial.
“I’m gonna give her a real sleep aid, she’ll be out for a while. And a second bag since she’s taking this one fast. But her vitals are looking good and she’s talking a bit. I’m good with the ED for a while so I”m gonna hang out, watch some tv, eat your food…” Will was always good in a crisis and in trying to lift a mood.
“Have at it. Thanks man.”
He looked back at Hailey and moved to lay beside her. An arm propped under his head he curled his body beside hers, he watched as the fluids improved her coloring, her breathing normalized, and she finally looked peacefully asleep. The next day would bring their talk, his disappointment, his hurt, his reassurance; her tears, her apologies, her rationalizations for and reevaluations of her relationship with their boss. But most of all, they’d fill the chasm they’d been on either side of for weeks, and work on rebuilding and strengthening their relationship. They’d deal with the fallout. Together.