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Chapter Text

17.

Renjun met Donghyuck in his second year of high school.

Technically, he didn't become friends with Donghyuck, because Donghyuck was his younger brother Jaemin's best friend. Since he and his mother had moved from China to Seoul three years ago to live with his step-father and step-brother, he had adapted a lot more to the climate and culture, growing more fluent in Korean and missing home less. Mostly, he had to thank Jaemin and his best friend Jeno who he had met in his second year of junior high right after he transferred, and stayed friends with till now, ascending to the same high school. They had accepted Renjun so warmly that he never felt lonely.

He had been an only child since birth, and especially after his parents divorced, always longed to have a sibling, preferably a younger brother he could spoil. So when his mother met Jaemin's father and married him when Renjun was nine, it was a dream come true. At eight, Jaemin was already the ideal didi -- or dongsaeng as he would teach Renjun -- precocious, impressionable and full of charms, a master of aegyo. He simply idolized and adored his new big brother, following Renjun around and trailing at his heels like a besotted puppy.

Renjun loved spending summer vacations with him, when Jaemin and his father would either fly to China or Renjun and his mother would fly to Korea. He liked Korea and he liked Jaemin and his kindly step-father, so when his mother asked lovingly if he would like to immigrate to Korea and live with them and attend junior high school there, he had replied without hesitation a joyful yes.

And in the past three years, Renjun had not regretted his decision. It was an unexpected blessing to meet Jeno on his first day of junior high. He had never expected to find the best friend he had ever made in his life in Korea.

Even though Jaemin and Jeno were both Korean, they never excluded him and at the beginning, tried to make an effort to speak slowly out of consideration for his unpolished Korean. He was grateful that though they obviously had more in common with each other, they always made him the centre of attention when the three of them were together, both of them revolving around him like planets around the sun.

But still, he couldn't help feeling less out of place after he met Donghyuck, because they undeniably had more in common with each other.

On Jaemin's first day of high school, the first day of Renjun's second year, he was sitting with Jeno at a bench in the canteen, waiting for his brother. They had already ordered their own food and a plate of Jaemin's favourite dishes too, so he could tuck in right away when he arrived.

He heard footsteps and looked up to see Jaemin approaching them breathlessly, looking slightly lost on his first day navigating the school. But he wasn't alone, flanked by two other boys.

"Hyung, Jeno hyung, these are my new friends, Donghyuck and Yangyang. Can they sit with us?"

Both boys smiled, the taller one shyly, the other playfully.

"Guys, meet my brother Renjun and his best friend Jeno hyung," Jaemin introduced proudly. The cute-looking boy bowed politely, but the other boy just gave them a careless, two-fingered salute before sliding in boldly beside Renjun.

"I'm Donghyuck," he mumbled, sticking out a hand to Renjun and practically ignoring Jeno, whose smile slipped a little. Donghyuck didn't seem to notice, promptly stealing a fried shrimp from Jaemin's plate.

Renjun quickly took his hand and shook it timidly. Donghyuck's hand was warm, his smile widening as his fingers closed around Renjun's and held on for a few seconds longer than was comfortable.

Renjun pulled his hand away forcefully, feeling himself start to blush when Donghyuck began stroking his fingers. Donghyuck's huge smile didn't falter as he continued to gaze at Renjun curiously, drinking him in.

Renjun pretended not to be aware, avoiding his gaze and pushing the plate of rice towards Jaemin. "Hurry and eat before it gets cold."

"Thanks, hyung!" Jaemin gushed, immediately digging in enthusiastically.

Renjun smiled. Jaemin's appreciation always made him enjoy being a big brother.

He looked up, and was surprised to see Donghyuck still looking at him, but this time his eyes had softened, his smile less cocky and more surprised, a little admiring. As though he had seen something about Renjun that he didn't expect, and liked.

Even though Donghyuck was Jaemin's friend, the first day all of them met, he spent most of the recess asking Renjun questions.

One of his first ones was: "You have a Chinese name... does that mean you can speak Chinese?”

Renjun nodded with shy pride. "I moved here from China three years ago."

Donghyuck looked impressed. “I’ve always wanted to learn Mandarin,” he admitted sheepishly, lowering his voice. “You could teach me.” He winked at Renjun conspiratorially.

"Hey!" Jaemin batted at Donghyuck's arm, and Donghyuck laughed. Renjun felt a strange twinge in his chest when Donghyuck's attention momentarily shifted to him as he pinched Jaemin's cheek, seeming inordinately comfortable with him already even though they had only met this morning.

From Jaemin's side, Jeno was unnaturally silent too, burying his face in his food as he shoveled rice down, but Renjun barely noticed as Donghyuck continued showering him with inquisitive questions. After a while, he, too started asking Donghyuck questions in return, because he was curious about Donghyuck too. Donghyuck seemed pleased by his interest.

Even as a guy, he couldn't help noticing that Donghyuck had an awfully sexy voice, that made even the most inane things he said sound good. He had melting, puppy-dark eyes and the most gorgeous smile Renjun had ever seen.

He felt bad for not being able to talk much to Yangyang or get to know him better after the initial pleasantries, but he was just so caught up in chatting with Donghyuck, who was chattering away like a bullet train to Renjun as though they were old friends. He too, felt that there was something familiar and comfortable about Donghyuck, that set him at ease right away. He felt better that Jeno was engaging Yangyang in conversation, with Jaemin chiming in occasionally.

On the bus too that afternoon, his heart leaped in excitement when Donghyuck plopped down into the seat beside him heavily, smiling from ear to ear. Jeno usually sat beside him, but he was too slow today, and looked none too pleased about it as he sank in the seat across the aisle, but Jaemin quickly sat down beside him. Jaemin hadn't hesitated to invite Donghyuck and Yangyang to their house after dismissal to do homework and play video games, because it was kind of a tradition Renjun and Jeno had forged in junior high.

Donghyuck jostled him into his seat, moving closer and squeezing him against the window as the bus started moving.

"How was your day?" he asked, focusing his eyes intently on Renjun and smiling expectantly.

"Good," Renjun replied awkwardly, but Donghyuck beamed as though his bland answer had been perfect.

For the rest of the journey to his house, he felt Donghyuck's side pressing against his, their elbows brushing when the bus made a turn. Donghyuck's body was soft and warm.

In the days to come, he would discover that his first impression of Donghyuck wasn't wrong -- he was smooth, gregarious, funny and popular, and remarkably comfortable in his own skin. Renjun never saw him without his trademark charming smile draped across his face, his mouth like a motor that was always running on about something. He was everything Renjun wasn't.

A few days after they met, he was astonished when Jaemin told him that Donghyuck had said he was pretty. He felt a warmth spreading across his cheeks, his heart swelling with an unidentifiable emotion as he blurted out anxiously, without thinking, "What else did he say about me?"

Jaemin gave him a strange look. "Nothing?"

He quickly remembered himself, but he was so flustered that when Jaemin asked what he thought about Donghyuck, it slipped out of his mouth that he had found him manly.

He passionately hoped that Jaemin would pick this most crucial moment to be a loyal younger brother and not reveal what he had said to Donghyuck. But in the following days, he found himself unable to help tucking his hair behind his ear when he looked into the mirror, or biting his lips to redden them before he met Donghyuck at recess in an embarrassingly feminine gesture. It was ridiculous. Next, if he wasn't careful he would find himself putting on lip gloss or a hair ribbon.

He didn't know why he was so affected by Donghyuck's throwaway remark. It was probably just an observation, and Donghyuck wasn't even the first person who had said so. Chenle and Jisung, Jaemin's friends in junior high, had also called him that jokingly, but he hadn't given it a second thought because he knew that they were just doing so in a playful and platonic way. But now... why was his stomach in knots when Donghyuck said the same thing?

Renjun had always assumed he was straight, even though he had received confessions before from both boys and girls. He was painfully socially awkward, but people, especially girls, seemed to find him attractive. He had never been interested in any of them enough to reciprocate, but when he had wet dreams or erotic fantasies the people who featured in them had always been female. He had never felt any feelings that were more than platonic for any guy. Till now.

"Donghyuck-ah, do you have a sore throat?" Yangyang asked innocently in concern, and they all looked over. He had noticed too that Donghyuck had been speaking in an unnaturally deep and husky voice since the start of recess. He had thought it was odd but figured he probably caught a cold, and didn't mind that much because it made Donghyuck sound especially manly. (It helped that he had rolled up his shirtsleeves conspicuously and kept flexing his arms, showing off his biceps.)

Now, they were all surprised to see Donghyuck blushing blotchily at Yangyang’s question.

"No," he replied awkwardly and shortly in his normal voice, shooting Yangyang a nasty look as though he had put him in a spot. Renjun was caught by surprise when Donghyuck's eyes moved towards him furtively, sneaking a glance. He only flushed a darker red when Renjun caught him. They both quickly looked away from each other and down at the table.

Renjun coughed nervously and turned to Jeno to pretend to ask him about something, trying to forget the awkward and baffling encounter.

"Renjun hyung!" he heard as he was exiting the restroom and about to walk back to class, in a voice that wasn't Jeno's.

He looked around in confusion, because he didn't really have any close friends in high school beside Jeno. Their friendship was so exclusive, taking up so much of their time, that they simply didn't have space for anyone else.

He was surprised to see Donghyuck panting breathlessly down the corridor towards him, because the second-years' and first years' classrooms were on different floors.

Donghyuck looked sheepish when he arrived at where Renjun had stopped to wait for him.

"Hyung," he started hesitantly, "I just wanted to ask... can you help me out with some of my homework after school?"

"Sure," Renjun replied immediately, obliging but slightly confused. "You can show it to me when you come over later."

"No..." Donghyuck looked uncharacteristically flustered and embarrassed. "I meant... can you tutor me one-on-one?"

Renjun blinked at him uncertainly. "But... wouldn't it be better to ask Jeno... or even Jaemin or Yangyang? My Korean isn't exactly perfect.” He hated to reject Donghyuck, but he had to make his level and ability clear or he might be unable to deliver later.

Donghyuck pouted, seeming unsatisfied by his answer. "But I’d like to learn a little Chinese at the same time, if possible,” he said finally, after a stilted pause.

Renjun bit his lip, realising that made sense.

"Okay, then, I guess," he said, still uncertain, but Donghyuck immediately lit up, clutching his hands as if Renjun had saved his life.

"Thanks! You're the best!" he gushed, face flushed with gratitude.

Renjun blushed too, feeling pleased.

"So... see you after school?" He smiled at Donghyuck, glancing at his classroom where the next class was starting.

Donghyuck shook his head quickly. "Can we... meet alone? In the library?" he asked softly, looking up through his eyelashes tentatively. He hadn't let go of Renjun's hand.

Renjun's eyes widened, not expecting this. He swallowed. "Why?"

"I..." Donghyuck hedged. "I just think I could concentrate better." He gazed imploring at Renjun until Renjun found himself mumbling, "Okay..."

He didn't realise he had agreed until Donghyuck started literally jumping for joy, up and down in excitement.

"See you after school at the library, Renjun hyung!" he shouted in the quiet corridor, already running away as though he was worried Renjun would take back his promise.

Renjun found the stupid grin on his face staying long after Donghyuck had disappeared.

When he passed a note to Jeno in class to tell him to go home with Jaemin after school alone, Jeno turned to look at him from his seat a few rows ahead. He didn't look very happy about it, but Renjun found himself looking forward to the study session, counting down the minutes on the clock as dismissal neared.

When the bell rang, he shot out of his seat, swept all his books haphazardly into his bag, and rushed out of the classroom without even saying goodbye to Jeno. He ran breathlessly all the way up the flights of stairs to the library, but when he arrived, Donghyuck was already there.

Donghyuck looked up eagerly from the table he had sat down at in the nearly-deserted library. Everyone was eager to head home or to have fun with their friends after school, and no one but the nerdy geeks stayed behind to check out books. But even though neither of them were nerdy or geeky in any way, Renjun found it ironic and amusing that he and Donghyuck had both rushed to the library so excitedly to study.

Donghyuck looked far more enthusiastic for a tutoring session too. He halfheartedly opened his bag and slid out his textbooks, but as Renjun sat down he immediately started peppering him with his usual questions about his day and chattering about his own day again.

Renjun tried to keep him focused on the topic, sternly lecturing him to concentrate and not procrastinate as he tried his best to explain to Donghyuck the definitions of his vocabulary list.

After two hours, when the librarian gently tapped their shoulders to tell them she was closing the library, they walked home together. The leaves danced over the asphalt in the late afternoon breeze and Renjun found himself smiling as he listened to Donghyuck's monologue. Everything Donghyuck said was so interesting to him. He could spend the whole day listening to him.

When they finally arrived at his house, Donghyuck scuffed his feet against the granite road and looked reluctant to go. Renjun also felt unwilling to part, although they had spent recess and the entire afternoon together. Donghyuck tugged nervously at the strap of his book bag and gave him a small smile, turning to go.

At the last moment, Renjun called him back.

Donghyuck turned, a bright smile on his face. "What is it, hyung?" he asked gently.

Renjun smiled back bashfully, lowering his eyes. "Nothing," he mumbled. "I... just wanted to say... that you don't have to call me hyung. You can just call me... Renjun."

Donghyuck gazed at him, smile broadening slowly. After a quiet pause, he tried, "Renjun."

Renjun nodded, both of them beaming giddily at each other. Donghyuck repeated his name.

"Enough, you'll wear it out," Renjun pretended to grumble, and Donghyuck laughed. His laugh was musical.

From then on, Donghyuck acceded to his wishes. But he didn't stop calling Renjun hyung occasionally. And Renjun thought that he kind of liked it too. He liked being Jaemin's hyung, but secretly, he liked being Donghyuck's hyung more.

Sometimes he would forget that they were sitting with three other boys, surrounded by hordes of noisy and garrulous students in the canteen. Everything would fade into white noise, everyone else fading into the background during his conversations with Donghyuck, because he got so absorbed into them, so absorbed into Donghyuck's every word and move and breath.

He couldn't help it, because Donghyuck was just so fascinating, so captivating, so... sparkling. He sparkled like the heroes in the mangas Renjun sometimes went to borrow from the little shop which lended out secondhand comics downtown, when he had spare pocket money.

Once, Renjun had even found himself sketching Donghyuck, anime-style, paying attention to his beautifully-lidded and almond-shaped eyes, his refined nose and his cheekbones. His face had been so enjoyable to draw with soft pencil lines. But Renjun would never show the drawing to anybody... except maybe... as a present to Donghyuck on his birthday.

Donghyuck, too, seemed to be quietened by Renjun. Their friends joked that the only times Donghyuck ever stopped talking was when he was listening to Renjun. And it was true. Donghyuck paid attention to few things, but Renjun was one of them he bothered to. And he felt proud of this, important. Sometimes Donghyuck would just look at him, gaze at him silently on the rare occasions when Renjun was talking, saying more than three words in a row, as if he wanted to drink everything in and commit every single word Renjun said to memory.

Other times, his brow creased slightly as he stared at Renjun as if he was a puzzle that stumped Donghyuck, a mystery he wanted to figure out badly.

"What are you thinking?" Donghyuck would ask Renjun, sounding intrigued, and Renjun would answer meekly, "Nothing," because it was true; or when he was thinking of something, it was usually something he couldn't say out loud, like how his hands were itching to capture the glint in Donghyuck's eyes in hazy blunt HB pencil on the creamy white paper of his sketchbook, darkening his boyishly long lashes with 2B.

Donghyuck would look unsatisfied, as if Renjun was withholding the answer from him deliberately to keep him in suspense.

There was something thrilling about the mix of awe, respect, informality and impudence with which he addressed Renjun, a way no one younger than him had talked to him with since he arrived in Korea. And it made him feel more relaxed, able to breathe a little easier.

"Did you remember to feed your hyung his meds before you left the house this morning?" Yangyang joked, shooting Renjun an affectionate glance to show that he was just kidding, and Jaemin snorted out loud.

Renjun blushed, and realised everyone was looking at him in amusement like he had grown an extra head. So they had all noticed that he had been unnaturally hyperactive this morning, screeching with high-pitched laughter and even doing an imitation of the maltese he had owned back in China which Donghyuck had found uproarious. But there was something about Donghyuck that loosened him up, that made him act wild and reckless and crazy. When he looked at Renjun like every word that fell from Renjun's mouth was a blessing or a pearl, he felt a little less boring.

"It's all your fault. You're such a bad influence," he chided Donghyuck, elbowing him, but Donghyuck only laughed unapologetically and slurped his noodles loudly.

"Donghyuck," Renjun whined, and when Donghyuck didn't look over at him, his tone getting more petulant: "DonghyuckDonghyuckDonghyuck~"

Donghyuck finally turned around to look at him, eyes amused, and Renjun flushed heatedly. He quickly caught himself. Why was he clamouring? He was the older one here, damn it. Donghyuck should be the one fawning over him, trying to impress him and not vice versa. But sometimes Donghyuck made Renjun feel like the ages and roles were reversed, especially when he showed his attractively mature side.

Just when Renjun thought he could do without Donghyuck's attention, his constant pestering, Donghyuck would prove him wrong by chasing after him, sticking to his side with an ingratiating smile and winningly irresistible aegyo, his eyes sparkling. He made up a ton of stupid and gross nicknames for Renjun. He would buy an armful of snacks and cartons of milk from the vending machine during recess and ply Renjun with them, urging him to eat, his eyes tender as he watched Renjun sip through the straw and tutted like a mother as he nagged that Renjun was too skinny. He would steal bites of food from Renjun's plate, then feed Renjun from his own, flying the spoon into his open mouth like an airplane to Jeno's chagrin. He had privately told Renjun not to let Donghyuck forget the informalities too much and climb over his head, because after all Donghyuck was still their dongsaeng.

"Donghyuck, stop bothering Renjun," he would snap, but Donghyuck would ignore him, eyes flashing defiantly as he retorted sassily, "Renjun isn't just your friend, hyung."

Renjun knew that Jaemin and the others thought he was overly innocent and dense, but he wasn't as oblivious as they assumed. He was aware of the way Jeno watched him sometimes, had more and more in the last few years. He was conscious that the way the air became thick with unspoken tension between Donghyuck and Jeno was related to him, to how they sometimes contended and vied with each other for his attention. He felt bad when Donghyuck purposely spoke to him in rusty Mandarin, pretending not to see how frustrated Jeno looked at not being able to understand them, but too proud to ask them to translate.

But because he was too cowardly to think too deeply about what it meant, because he didn't want to face the music as long as Jeno kept his silence too, and because he felt confused and unsure of his own feelings, he had no choice but to continue playing dumb.

But sometimes, although he felt bad about it, he found himself engaging in friendly flirting with Jeno, holding on to his arm and acting cute and teasing him. Jeno would blush and smile, looking surprised but pleased by his playfulness, while Donghyuck's face would darken in a way that made his heart skip a beat. He felt despicable for trying to test Donghyuck like that, but he couldn't resist the chance to see Donghyuck's mask slip off and reveal his emotions transparently for one minute. Donghyuck was so straightforward and blunt about everything else, but surprisingly cautious and wary about displaying his innermost affections.

One hot summer afternoon, they were playing the game they had recently started to again. The four of them were at Jaemin and Renjun's house after school, sitting on the floor and snacking on juicy and sweet watermelon, and Renjun had been provocatively licking his slice, then running his tongue over his lips when he felt Donghyuck's gaze drawn to them.

Donghyuck's eyes followed his actions silently, but with intense hunger. Suddenly, without warning, Donghyuck claimed he had spilled some juice on his shirt and promptly whipped it off.

Renjun swallowed his saliva nervously as his eyes snapped towards Donghyuck's bare torso, the shocking definition of his muscles. it was the first time he had seen Donghyuck topless and his abs were no joke.

He could read the glint in Donghyuck's eyes like a book. Renjun, 0. Donghyuck, 1. He flushed hotly because this was true.

He forced himself to rip his eyes away from Donghyuck's body, even though he just wanted to stare at it all day, till he memorized every single contour of Donghyuck's torso enough to be able to replicate it on paper.

But Donghyuck seemed unhappy when his eyes flickered away, redoubling his efforts to get Renjun's attention by pouncing on him with seemingly harmless laughter but a determined glint in his eye only Renjun saw and trying to force him to take off his shirt too.

The feeling of being pinned down by Donghyuck's bare body, his heated skin was almost too much to bear. Renjun squirmed and struggled uselessly in his strong grasp, breathing heavily. They rolled around for a while in half-playful and half-flirtatious wrestling, Renjun trying to avoid Donghyuck's knees coming into contact with his crotch which had tightened in a way that made him wholeheartedly thankful for their baggy uniform pants. Donghyuck's eyes widened at his feverish cheeks and stricken eyes, actions turning so clumsy he accidentally tugged at Renjun's collar too roughly and popped his top button.

Donghyuck's eyes immediately flickered down to the glimpse of his chest it revealed, darkening. He hungrily feasted his eyes for a brief second before he hurried to cover it up, eyes narrowing as he looked up, straight at Jeno who Renjun only then barely realised was staring at them too.

The momentary lock of the three of their eyes was broken by Jaemin calling Donghyuck's name. Donghyuck looked as confused as he felt as he turned his head to look at Jaemin, who was looking pale and sweating, from the weather Renjun assumed.

"Come here," Jaemin patted the space beside him and ordered with uncharacteristic blitheness.

Donghyuck's brow creased in incomprehension and unwillingness, but he reluctantly loosened his fingers over the fabric of Renjun's shirt and got unsteadily to his feet. Renjun sat up shakily too, holding his collar closed with his heart still pounding in his dry throat.

Donghyuck sat down beside Jaemin obediently, not looking at him, and Renjun couldn't help shooting Jaemin an uncharitable and unbrotherly look for his untimely interruption.

He was in the kitchen later on, clearing away the plates of watermelon husks and brooding over the way Donghyuck had unhesitatingly obeyed Jaemin and immediately trotted over to his side when he called. He had almost forgotten that after all, Donghyuck was still Jaemin's best friend and not his. He had met and befriended Jaemin first, and his allegiance was towards him. But Renjun had thought that if he wasn't a better friend to Donghyuck than his brother, he was at least equally important.

What was he to Donghyuck? How did Donghyuck see him? he found himself wondering.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps, and looked up in surprise to see Donghyuck standing in the doorway of the kitchen, breathing hard. His chest was heaving visibly, and his shoulders looked so broad that they took up the narrow doorway.

"Renjun --" he started, sounding pained and frustrated, and Renjun's heart leapt into his throat.

He quickly said, "The others aren't here."

Donghyuck looked grimly satisfied by this information, slipping in.

"Good. I wanted to get you alone," he said in a low voice.

Renjun didn't back away as Donghyuck advanced towards him slowly, although he wanted to. He reminded himself that he was older, that Donghyuck was just a childish brat. But for some reason, the boy stepping closer to him looked anything but childish or immature. He looked confident and powerful, breathtakingly so.

Renjun continued busying himself with his task, moving unsteadily towards the fridge with the plate of remaining fruit and reached a hand out to pull the door open. But at that very moment, Donghyuck's hand landed on the fridge too, holding it firmly closed so Renjun couldn't open it.

He turned around with dread to find Donghyuck's face alarmingly close, so near Renjun could feel his quick breaths on his skin. When he tried to move away, Donghyuck placed his other hand on the fridge beside Renjun's shoulder too so Renjun was imprisoned between his arms.

Renjun froze and slid the plate onto the counter beside the fridge before his trembling hands dropped it.

"Renjun, I..." Donghyuck started, voice cracking. He flushed with embarrassment and looked down as if unable to meet Renjun's questioning eyes.

"I need to ask you something," Donghyuck said softly, and Renjun felt himself nodding with trepidation.

Renjun stared into Donghyuck's anguished face, his tightly set jaw. He was startled by Donghyuck's next words.

"Do you like anyone?"

***

18.

Seventeen reminded Renjun of the uninterrupted, breathlessly blue afternoon sky he saw on his way home with Donghyuck after their Chinese tutoring sessions, only broken up by occasional slender electrical lines. It reminded him of the dappled sunshine playing across Donghyuck's brilliant grin when Renjun cracked one of his lame jokes, one sun on another. And the way their shadows lengthened the later they lingered outside, dragging their feet as their conversation flowed unceasingly, reluctant to part, even only till the next day.

But most of all, it reminded him of the sugary sweet scent of ripe watermelon juice, mingled with the faint heady musk of Donghyuck's perspiration; the mind-addling and brain-melting summer heat; and that nondescript but unforgettable afternoon Donghyuck had trapped him against the refrigerator in his kitchen and asked Renjun that loaded question.

If only, Renjun had thought countless times since then, with more than a little wistfulness, he had replied bravely and recklessly then: Yes. You.

But he hadn't. He couldn't bring himself to.

The only thing he had managed to do, caged between Donghyuck's masculine arms back then, was to nod mutely like a pathetically stupefied mouse.

Donghyuck's eyes had darkened immediately. They were closer than they had ever been, practically one breath apart Renjun couldn't help noticing -- at most two. Up close, Donghyuck was even more dizzyingly gorgeous than he had realised, his flawless caramel-toned skin dusted with a pretty flush.

It made Renjun's knees buckle.

Donghyuck's voice had changed when he spoke again, deepened. He sounded both urgent and somehow wary as he asked in a hushed tone, "Who?"

Renjun felt his Adam's apple bob thickly in his throat as he swallowed once, twice. He couldn't meet Donghyuck's eyes straight on, so he briskly swept his lashes over his own gaze.

He opened his mouth, not knowing what he was about to answer, when Donghyuck moved forward and their chests brushed. Renjun's mind promptly short-circuited.

In a flash, on sheer instinct, he had squirmed out from Donghyuck's uncomfortable embrace. He had always been more athletic and agile than he looked and Donghyuck blinked at the empty space between his arms where Renjun had been, looking dazed and frustrated.

He budged more easily than Renjun had expected when he shoved Donghyuck hard, stumbling a little. He seemed shaken. Almost as shaken as Renjun whose heart was pounding deafeningly in his ears as he grabbed the plate of leftover melon and opened the fridge, sliding it in unsteadily. He steadfastly continued refusing to meet Donghyuck's searching eyes.

But Donghyuck grabbed his arm just as Renjun closed the fridge and was turning to leave, trying to make his escape dodging the question. No such luck.

"Is it someone I know?" Donghyuck pressed, but this time he sounded pleading.

The only thing Renjun could do was jerk his chin down in an excruciatingly awkward nod as his cheeks burned and he shook off Donghyuck's grasp more resolutely, this time managing to slink out of the kitchen in time.

It was only later that night, lying sleepless in bed with the sweat-damp covers thrown off his knees, that he realised with a dry gulp that Donghyuck would probably have thought he meant Jeno.

The possibility made him break into silent panic. Knowing that he had more than a little to do with their increasingly frosty relations of late, he would never have deliberately misled Donghyuck into thinking that he had any more than platonic feelings for Jeno. It had been fun to playfully observe their reactions when he was closer to one or the other, but somehow this had turned serious in a way that made cold sweat run down his back. It wasn't funny anymore, just cruel.

He approached the table where the five of them converged at recess the next day with faint eyebags and a carefully guarded expression, having spent a fraction of the night obssessing over this issue and only finally being able to doze off in the early morning.

He had wondered how Donghyuck would act after the incident, if he would be awkward or even not turn up at all, so something in him heaved a small sigh of relief when he saw Donghyuck's familiar profile inhaling a sleeve of french fries hungrily. Every time, his handsome silhouette still made Renjun's heart skip a ridiculous beat.

To his immense relief, albeit tinged with an ambiguous disappointment, Donghyuck seemed to do as he wished and forget the previous day's stilted encounter, looking up with his usual goofy grin and shifting a little on the bench to make space for Renjun to sit down beside him without stopping his ongoing squabble with Yangyang.

Renjun slid into his usual place with more awareness than usual. It was only then that he realised how accustomed he had become to this proximity. Less than a year ago, he didn't even know of the existence of a person named Lee Donghyuck. Now, they were less than an arm's length away daily, a distance they had both grown so used to they no longer noticed it the way one isn't conscious of breathing. It was unimaginable how fate worked sometimes.

Donghyuck offered him a fry, staring at Renjun with that speculative look he was familiar with, when Donghyuck was trying to figure him out. He always looked so quietly but intensely curious, so certain that Renjun was thinking thoughts more profound and interesting than he actually was. And Renjun couldn't bear to correct him.

He parted his lips and carefully took the fry from between Donghyuck's fingers between his teeth, then self-consciously closed his mouth when Donghyuck's lips curved up in a faint pleased smile.

He was hoping no one noticed the way his cheeks warmed up, but the look on Jeno's face as Renjun caught him watching silently made the chewed-up potato lodge like cardboard in his throat.

Since Donghyuck had apparently forgotten the incident and didn't make any assumptions about the identity of Renjun's crush, he tried to put it out of his mind too. Thankfully Donghyuck didn't seem to have jumped to the conclusion he feared, and Donghyuck’s relations with Jeno didn't worsen because of it but they didn't seem to improve either.

However, occasionally Renjun still wondered, like the time Donghyuck asked casually if he had noticed that Jaemin and Jeno were growing closer. His tone was offhand, his eyes careless, but there was something about the tenseness of his shoulders that made Renjun's throat dry up. It suddenly felt like Donghyuck was asking a different question entirely, testing him somehow.

He swallowed and replied after a pause, "Uh... yeah." He tried to keep his tone as non-committal as Donghyuck's, but his gaze wavered as Donghyuck's eyes flickered up to meet his, probing silently as he continued deliberately, "Jaemin told me they meet alone at Jeno's part-time job often." His eyes seemed to be watchfully studying Renjun's reaction.

"Oh," Renjun said, with all of his trademark eloquence. Donghyuck seemed disappointed by his reaction, or lack of it, but Renjun was relieved he hadn't managed to read anything from his inscrutably blank face. In fact, he hadn't known about Jaemin and Jeno's private meetings, because Jaemin had only sheepishly told him that he was running errands for their mother when he left the house late for his midnight sojourns. Renjun had wondered how many groceries he could possibly have been assigned to buy when he took hours to return; so this explained it. He couldn't help noticing that Jaemin had a little bit of a hyung-crush on Jeno, growing steadily in the past few years.

So life went on uneventfully for a while. With Jeno, he entered his third year of high school, celebrating Chuseok with his new buddies and family -- a Korean tradition he hadn't even known of till he immigrated here. Donghyuck, Jaemin and Yangyang became second-years. But Renjun felt contented, because he had never much liked excitement. He was satisfied with spending time with Donghyuck and their circle of close-knit friends daily, both at recess and after school. Donghyuck never singled him out to spend time alone again either, other than their unofficial tutoring sessions at the library once a week after school, but even then they mostly only studied and talked about their other friends and inane topics.

Spending time with Donghyuck was comfortable, mindless, like slipping into a favourite worn-out sweater.

One Tuesday afternoon, he wasn't surprised to see Donghyuck waiting breathlessly after school for him at the library, still panting slightly as if he had run all the way there the moment the bell rang, just like Renjun. But he was surprised to see him not seated at their usual table but standing by the entrance checking his watch impatiently.

He walked up and cleared his throat, feeling oddly shy standing next to Donghyuck because they usually met when either of them were already sitting down. Donghyuck's mere presence had the tendency of feeling like a physical blow.

"Hyung!" The address slipped from his lips easily as he looked up at Renjun's footsteps and a delighted grin overtook his face.

Renjun couldn't help relaxing and smiling back, his pleasure contagious. "Why didn't you wait for me inside? Is our table taken?"

"Nope." Donghyuck shook his head, beaming like he had a secret. "Hyung..." he started in a cutely whiny voice. Renjun was starting to clue in to the fact that Donghyuck only called him this when he wanted to get something.

He sighed, though not unobligingly. "What?" He pretended to sound gruff, but Donghyuck grinned from ear to ear and slickly grabbed on to his shoulder, hanging off it and tugging at his sleeve.

"Can we play hooky today?" he said with a well-timed pout.

Five minutes later, Renjun was feeling that sense of incredulous bewilderment that always spun his head when Donghyuck roped him into doing crazy and senseless stuff that he would not usually be caught dead doing. Like now, as Donghyuck lifted the bottom of the wire-gauze fence that surrounded the deserted football field at the back of their school, and looked encouragingly down at him from the outside where he had already crawled.

Renjun scrunched up his nose as he caught another whiff of mud from the stains on his white uniform shirt he had gotten when they slid down the grassy slope towards the bottom of the fence. His mother was going to chew him out when he got home.

"Remind me why we're going to all this trouble again when school's over and we could just walk out," he panted disbelievingly. Sometimes no one understood what went on in Donghyuck's head, not even him.

Donghyuck's eyes only glittered more. "Because it's not proper hooky if you don't sneak out!" he explained patiently. "Come on, Junnie. Don't be a chicken."

"I'm not chicken!" Renjun squeaked, sounding ironically like one as he protested and wriggled out with difficulty through the small opening Donghyuck had created for him, trying to disguise the spike of pleasure in his stomach at Donghyuck's casual unthinking nickname as indignation.

"Prove it," Donghyuck winked at him as Renjun got unsteadily to his feet and Donghyuck's hands patted stray grass blades off his uniform. Renjun tried not to shiver.

He made a disdainful noise and set off ahead without waiting for Donghyuck, but smiled as he promptly caught up. Renjun turned fondly. "Where are we going?"

Donghyuck giggled. "Um... I hadn't planned so far ahead yet. Any ideas?"

Another five minutes of walking later and that sense of What the hell am I doing? struck Renjun again as he struggled to clamber up a high stone wall even taller than they were as Donghyuck supportively heaved him up from underneath. His hands spread firmly on Renjun's ass weren't exactly helpful to Renjun with concentrating on this tricky task.

He looked down at Donghyuck, whose face was reddened and ruddy from exertion. His bangs fell into his eyes and his hands being occupied by Renjun's ass, he flipped them out impatiently with a toss of his head that made Renjun's feet slip precariously on his shoulders.

"It's too high," he whimpered, or more accurately croaked as he gingerly lowered himself back down on Donghyuck's broad shoulders and they both swayed. "Can't we just find another place to sit down?"

"No," Donghyuck shot back stubbornly. Once he had set his mind on something, he seldom gave up till he attained it. But his hands on Renjun's rear end were gentle and strong, reassuring. He had insisted on Renjun climbing onto his shoulders instead of the other way round because Renjun was "lighter" and he was "stronger", a claim Renjun heatedly refuted till he relented and changed his reason to Renjun being more "flexible", whatever that meant. Renjun had retorted, "What would you know about my flexibility?" and Donghyuck had sputtered and grown so pink that he took pity on him and agreed with a long-suffering eye-roll.

Now, his knuckles whitened on the stone ledge as Donghyuck shifted his position on his shoulders slightly, tightening his grip on Renjun's thighs. "Can you just pull yourself up with upper-body strength or something?"

Renjun squawked indignantly. "How much upper-body strength do you think I have exactly?" His head swam precariously as he looked down again at the ground and how far he had to fall. He wobbled on Donghyuck's shoulders but Donghyuck steaded him in time with a steely grasp on his waist. His fingertips seared Renjun's hipbones through the filmy fabric of his uniform.

"Are you okay?" Donghyuck peered up shakily from between his legs, his face pale, and Renjun's mind reeled again. His crotch nudged the back of Donghyuck's head and -- he really needed to stop this train of thought or his body would be overly honest.

He tore his stricken eyes away and nodded speechlessly, fingers of one tense hand involuntarily threading through Donghyuck's hair. Donghyuck seemed to relent, starting to crouch to lower him back to the ground, but then Renjun set his resolve and grit his teeth, scrabbling to grab on to the ledge and finally hauling himself up with a graceless grunt. He could be as obdurate as Donghyuck when he wanted to be.

He rolled over to look down. Donghyuck was gazing up at him in dumbstruck awe, shading his eyes where the sun hit them. "Damn," Renjun heard him mutter in admiration.

"Oh my god," Renjun shrieked just as a thought occurred to him. It seemed to strike Donghyuck at the same time as he slapped his forehead in exasperation.

"How are you going to get up?" Renjun demanded, peering over the ledge on his hands and knees.

Somehow, some way -- don't ask -- Renjun managed to dig his feet into the earth and pull Donghyuck up holding his hands as Donghyuck attempted to find footholds on the cracked brick wall like he was rock-climbing. They lay sprawled on their backs after the ordeal, knocked out by the energy they had expended. Their pants overlapped. (As in breaths, not the ones they wore on their legs. Though... he might not mind those overlapping too.)

But it turned out that Donghyuck had been right. The view from the top, when they eventually managed to catch their breaths and sit up... it was worth it.

Or maybe it was seeing it next to Donghyuck that was.

Somehow, Renjun found himself in the middle of his first heart-to-heart conversation in his life.

This was a very refreshing and unique experience to Renjun, because he had never been good at expressing his emotions. Growing up, he had had the necessary maternal conversations with his mother, and lately he was getting used to solicitous ones with his step-father. But this was the first time he had ever truly opened himself up to another person, just letting the words leave his mouth and flow out into the space between them without filtering them through his mind first.

It started when Donghyuck asked, sounding more serious than he usually did: "Do you miss China?"

Truthfully Renjun was more moved than startled, because it sounded like Donghyuck had wondered about this question for a long time. It floored and warmed his heart inexpressibly that Donghyuck spent time of his own -- just thinking about Renjun's well-being, whether he was happy here in Korea.

The way Renjun occasionally wondered about Donghyuck.

Maybe that explained why he was a little more articulate than usual when he replied honestly, "Mm-hmm. But I don't regret coming here."

He crossed his fingers behind his back and hoped Donghyuck wouldn't ask why, because then Renjun would have to lie.

Because he couldn't imagine saying, "Because I met you."

That sounded too close to a confession for his liking.

Thankfully, Donghyuck didn't ask. Instead, he looked relieved and slightly pleased, as if he had been worried Renjun would even entertain the notion of replying Yes, I want to go back.

"So..." he went on, voice smaller so Renjun had to strain to hear. A cautiously hopeful light flickered in his eyes. "Are you going to leave Korea after we graduate from high school?"

The question bumped in Renjun's heart like an animal in a cage as he abruptly realised that with all his convoluted and more frequent ruminations lately, he had never once considered they might not be in the same country for college. It was only now that Donghyuck voiced out their plans for the future that the possibility occurred to him.

"N-no," he breathed, heart suddenly racing. "What about you?" The words tumbled out in a rush.

In the grip of his own eyes, Donghyuck's softened with unmistakable relief and pleasure. He shook his head, lips pressed together in a suppressed smile.

"That's... great," Renjun rambled lamely, his heart stuttering back to its normal speed. He seemed to be blabbering more than usual this afternoon. In contrast, Donghyuck was effortlessly enigmatic as he only continued smiling and nodded.

The head rush made Renjun's lips continue to loosen, his tongue trip to catch up with his soaring heart. "Maybe... we could go to the same university."

The pathetically audible hope in his voice made him wince, but Donghyuck inhaled sharply in barely-contained excitement.

"I would love that," he said enthusiastically, eyes deadly serious as he sat up on his elbows. "Promise?" Renjun's eyes widened when he stuck out his pinky finger in an unexpectedly childish gesture, but Donghyuck's eyes were beseeching.

His own finger shook as he tentatively extended it, hooking their pinkies together in the universal body language of a promise, stamped, sealed and signed.

It felt, absurdly, like two hearts locking together.

It was a day of firsts. The first time he played hooky. The first time he had felt so high, both literally and figuratively, as they sat side by side on the wall they had scaled with their determination and swung their legs with carefree abandon. The first time he revealed so much of himself to somebody, exposing the vulnerable unprotected expanse under his shell. And the first time he saw Donghyuck behind the chinks in his armour.

He felt this way when they were lying side by side on the grass and Donghyuck turned away from him to stare straight up at the sun, not even squinting as if challenging it to sear his vision away.

"Do you ever feel," he mused softly, eyes clouded, "alone, even when you're surrounded by people?"

Renjun squinted at him, even though he wasn't looking at the light. He thought about Donghyuck's question. Somehow, he understood that feeling. He had many people who cared for him, and whom he cared for. But had he ever really felt truly close to anyone... besides... except...

Donghyuck turned just as his name flashed through Renjun's mind silently and their gazes locked for a millisecond. Renjun blinked rapidly.

He cleared his throat nervously and replied vaguely, "Yeah." But his voice still sounded hoarse.

He couldn't put into words how it was inconceivable to him that Donghyuck would feel this way too. Because he was perpetually so self-assured, so in command and certain of himself, always moving forward without looking back. Everywhere he went people flocked to him like moths, everyone he met he melted with his irresistible charms. But Renjun guessed he shouldn't be surprised. Ultimately, despite how superhuman he looked and acted... Donghyuck was merely a human being like him after all.

When you're by my side, Renjun wanted to say with unabashed cheesiness, everything seems possible. Because it was true. Donghyuck never saw the risks in life, barreling through them as if they were invisible. Just like this wall they were sitting on top of now -- it had never occurred to Renjun to want to climb it in all the times he had bypassed it alone, much less that it was possible. But Donghyuck had shown him that -- together -- it was. Where others saw an insurmountable challenge, Donghyuck only saw possibility.

And naturally, that was what he had come to symbolize to Renjun.

Donghyuck didn't look disappointed by the lack of interestingness in his answer. He never did.

He was the only one that Renjun didn't have to try with. Maybe that was why he ventured bravely, "Do you often feel that way?"

The surprise and softness in Donghyuck's expressive eyes made him want to try more. Donghyuck made Renjun want to venture out of his comfort zones, the circle he had remained in all his life. He made Renjun want to open the door and step out into the beautiful, bright world.

"Once in a while," Donghyuck smiled, sweetly. "But not now. Not... when I'm with you." His eyes glimmered with unsaid words and affection.

"Then... when you feel like that... call me. Come find me. Anytime." The earnest note in his own voice made Renjun's face flame. Donghyuck's eyes glinted with something that looked uncomfortably like tears.

"Okay," he replied, voice thick.

"I'm here," Renjun continued babbling, the floodgates in his throat seeming to have broken. He had no idea what he was saying, but he couldn't stop. "For you. I'm just..." he caught his breath, unable to find the next word, then finished with epic lameness, "Here."

"Thanks," Donghyuck said, blinking his pink-rimmed eyes. His lashes caught the light, glistening. On the verge of tears, he was the most breathtaking sight Renjun had ever seen. He looked stunned by Renjun's imperativeness, his intensity. "Renjun..." Donghyuck covered his hand abruptly, seeming to want to express something. "Really... I'm so happy..." he struggled with his words "-- so lucky to have you in my life."

When Renjun flipped his palm over, Donghyuck's was clammy against his, but warm. He was both surprised and unsurprised to discover that the contours of their hands aligned together seamlessly like slipping into a custom-made glove.

It was the first time he felt the sensation of butterflies in his stomach. He had heard of the metaphor before, read it in books, but thought it was merely that -- a metaphor. He had never imagined that it was an actual physical sensation that existed, the feeling of butterflies fluttering around the cage of his stomach, their wings brushing the bars as they flitted to escape.

Unexpectedly, it was when he asked Donghyuck about his ideal type. In front of their other friends, he would never dare to voice out such a bold question, worrying he would sound unnaturally inquisitive, but Donghyuck was uncalculating and easygoing in a way that made him feel safe and free to ask random and even weird questions.

Indeed, when Renjun blurted out his query, he didn't think twice about it, and promptly narrowed his eyes in the way he did when he was seriously considering a topic.

Renjun had fully expected him to reply as a typical, hormonal teenage boy would. When he had imagined Donghyuck's ideal type in the past, he always pictured it to be someone feminine and curvy, buxom and bold. Someone brilliant and eye-catching like fireworks, charismatic and confident.

Someone like Donghyuck.

Both in school and outside, he had seen enough hot girls check Donghyuck out, and Donghyuck sometimes eye them back discreetly, to know that it wasn't a stretch to say that he could have anyone he set his heart on.

If Renjun were a girl, he felt a conviction that he would be interested in Donghyuck himself -- interested enough to take the initiative and pursue him, and that was extraordinary because even as a boy, Renjun never made the first move.

So naturally, he was surprised to hear Donghyuck finally reply: "I might not look like it... but I actually like the quiet type. I mean, opposites attract, right? It would be boring to have a relationship with someone too similar to me; it would probably feel like dating myself."

Renjun smirked and couldn't resist interjecting, "I didn't think you'd mind dating yourself..."

Donghyuck elbowed him hard but without malice, and went on, "Someone small... huggable... not too tall." He blushed good-naturedly at Renjun's brazen laugh. "Someone shy... but not boring, who also knows how to let loose and have fun. Someone who has a lot of layers, like an onion. Someone a little mysterious... just because. Mysteries are exciting to solve."

"Someone cute, obviously." Renjun hadn't known Donghyuck had dimples, but he did, when he smiled with a certain impishness.

"But most importantly... someone whose heart is warm." When Renjun raised his eyes, Donghyuck was looking straight at him, unblinking.

That was when the butterflies started. When Donghyuck was gazing soulfully at him and it struck Renjun that he could basically fit all of Donghyuck's criteria. That Donghyuck's list had been gender-neutral, not even once using the word she or her.

That Renjun's hopes were shooting dangerously up, and he wasn't even sure what he was hoping for.

He was just wishing for something really desperately, for the first time in his eighteen years.

He was overwhelmed with breathless desire.

"What about yours?" Donghyuck asked, voice gentle.

It was true. There was really no appropriate way to say: My ideal type is you.

Hours later, when the first hues of twilight were setting in, Donghyuck lifted him with the same gentleness down from the ledge effortlessly. It wasn't fair, Renjun thought moodily, how Donghyuck was so much stronger and more charming and smoother and more handsome and more -- everything -- than him, even though he was older. He made Renjun want to be jealous, but he was just awestruck.

He brooded on this dilemma all the way home, so absorbed in himself that he didn't even notice the way Donghyuck sneaked glances at him, the silent and frustrated longing in his eyes catching the moonlight sorrowfully.

He didn't know when exactly -- but sometime in the nearly two years since they had met, it had started to sting when Donghyuck called him bro and dude.

It didn't make sense because Donghyuck called everyone that. He called Jaemin, Yangyang and even Jeno that. So he wasn't treating Renjun any differently from the rest of their friends.

The problem lay with him. It lay with the fact that he wanted Donghyuck to treat him differently.

He wanted to be special.

Just when he had talked himself into losing hope, not hurting any longer and bearing the terms of brotherly and platonic address with blaseness, one day Donghyuck would look at him in a way that made all his painstakingly built defenses crumble, in a way that made his heart skip a longing beat and his stomach lurch with confusion because he would just be being himself, goofing off and messing around with their other friends for one rare moment that he had managed to forget Donghyuck and then he would turn and see Donghyuck looking at him, silently stricken, like all he wanted was to jump across the table and pounce on Renjun, and Renjun would freeze and think, Oh.

When Donghyuck looked like that, something almost like reproachfulness in his large, mournful eyes even though he never said a word; when Renjun sat down next to Jeno instead of him or picked Yangyang's proferred drink over his or something trivial and petty like that and he turned away with that bitter, sour look on his face and fell silent; when he would for no reason at all gaze at Renjun with a pained and tortured look on his face and unfathomable emotion burning from his eyes, Renjun would feel his head hurt physically from the bewilderment.

It wasn't just that Donghyuck was a guy; that he was off-limits simply because he was Renjun's little brother's best friend. That Renjun had to remember he was living in conservative Asia. It wasn't just that friends didn't feel like kissing friends.

It was that they had both friend-zoned each other so strictly, become such perfect bros that Renjun couldn't imagine them any other way. He couldn't imagine changing their relationship and the dynamic they had built up, no matter how much Donghyuck had taught him about how worthwhile it could be to take risks, how rewarding.

It was the only risk he would never take, because he couldn't risk losing. The only question he would never utter, because he couldn't take no for an answer. The only secret he would ever keep sealed in his heart, for fear that if he let it out it would shatter.

Donghyuck was so vocal and outspoken about everything he felt. He never minced his words or sugarcoated his bluntness, never felt the need to censor anything he wanted to say. So despite the lingering looks and ambiguous glances, the longer he kept quiet and continued treating Renjun as a friend, the firmer Renjun grew in his conviction that that was all Donghyuck saw him as.

And that was fine. It was fine when Donghyuck very verbally checked out the cute girls and hot babes they passed, whistling with unconcealed admiration. It was even fine when he tried to get Renjun to join in. It was fine that he flirted with everyone, and their mothers too. It was fine that he tried -- and succeeded -- to steal the attention of every girl who attempted to hit on Renjun, as if he couldn't stand not being the spotlight for one moment. It was fine when he tried to kiss Jaemin and wrestled Yangyang into armlocks and teased Jeno till his eyes were lost in his laughter.

It was all totally and completely fine. And when Renjun went for the school dental check-up and the dentist remarked with concern that the enamel of his teeth was a little worn down probably from constant or chronic gritting and grinding, it had absolutely nothing to do with Donghyuck at all.

Most importantly, he didn't speak up because he didn't want to ruin the fragile dynamic of their group of friends. The five of them would only be together for a maximum of two years. That was such a pitiably short span of time, not nearly long enough. And with Jeno's longtime possessiveness over him, it would most certainly crack the porcelain of this tightly-knit group of friends which had unconsciously become so precious and irreplaceable to Renjun. And if he hurt Jeno in any way... he didn't even want to know what would become of his relationship with his brother.

In short, knowing nothing would be the same if he voiced out his burgeoning feelings, it just seemed easier to stay in the same stationary place. Everything was so tenuous, most of all his relationship with Donghyuck. It seemed paradoxically like the closer they drew, the more breakable the thread between them seemed.

Donghyuck had been right, after all. He was a chicken.

So he tried to draw the lines between them, even when it seemed too late, even when he felt like he was scrawling in sand -- the moment he had traced the stroke, it was washed away by an all-eroding wave. He tried to establish boundaries where there had been none, even when he felt like he could no longer separate where he ended and Donghyuck began.

At times like this, because he was out of control and insecure, because he was angry at how Donghyuck shook him up and wanted to make him as shaken, he would grasp at straws, desperately summoning up all the differences he could think of between them, all the ways in which they were oil and water.

He would magnify the one-year age gap between them as he shook his head affecting superiority and told Donghyuck disdainfully and scornfully to grow up.

At these times, Donghyuck's eyes would flash dangerously with frustration. He had complained many times about being younger, and Renjun knew that one of his preternaturally unsatisfied wishes was that he could be in the same year as Renjun and Jeno. Coming to Korea with their strict hyung-dongsaeng system that hadn't existed back in China for him only emphasized the difference in their ages.

Because it was his sore spot, Donghyuck would retaliate in a sarcastic tone, "Okay, hyung," with overly exaggerated respect and deference, but there was nothing respectful about the gleam of impunity in his eyes.

And yet, after these exchanges, despite the fact that he had successfully reminded Donghyuck that he was a year younger than Renjun, Renjun never felt fulfilled, sometimes even frustrated.

Because the truth was that this distance between them was unwanted and unwillingly created.

Everything about Donghyuck was so genuine. There was nothing fake about him, and with him there was never a moment in which Renjun was unauthentic. And so he hated himself for forcing himself to be dishonest, going against his true feelings, retreating back behind the mirrors and smokescreens Donghyuck had taught him to leave in the dust, because there was so much freedom and exhilarating release in being true to oneself. Donghyuck was so transparent that Renjun could see his own dark, shadowy reflection in his unclouded and unrelenting eyes, and it shamed him more than anything else.

It was after one of these periodic incidents which were growing more and more frequent recently as the mounting tension between them made Renjun unsure whether to blow hot or cold, softening and hardening with a sporadicness that made even himself dizzy. Sometimes he just felt helpless against a force greater than himself because it felt like the more vehemently he tried to push Donghyuck away, the closer they ended up drawing, uncontrollably and inescapably. Donghyuck was like a road Renjun refused to take but always mysteriously found himself stepping down; a dream which he had forbidden himself but continued finding and haunting him.

Jaemin and Yangyang appeared alone at their table one recess, the absence between them so gaping and conspicuous that even though Renjun had pinched his lips studiedly shut, Jeno was the one who enquired curiously, "Where's Donghyuck?"

Jaemin looked up from his food, lips turning down sadly. "He went to the sick bay."

Renjun hadn't heard himself gasp till all their heads swiveled towards him, baffled by his overreaction. He coloured blotchily but the food in his mouth turned to cardboard as he leaned forward to demand, "He's sick?"

Jaemin took a beat slower to answer than he had Jeno, occupied with his food, but Yangyang dutifully responded. "No, hyung, don't worry. He just fell during PE and got a scrape."

Renjun made a conscious effort not to inhale sharply at this information. At least, not audibly. Jeno didn't even bother to stop eating and give him the irritated looks he had used to by now; he -- all of them -- had grown so used to Renjun's concern for Donghyuck.

"I'm... going back to class first," he mumbled shiftily, scraping the rest of his food into his mouth in one gulp. Jeno nodded absently, and Jaemin echoed Yangyang's reassurance not to worry, as if he knew where Renjun was really headed and could see through his transparent excuse.

Honestly, they probably all could. Renjun didn't even know why he had bothered to lie, but he had just felt embarrassed to stand up with a loud clatter of his bench across the ground the moment Jaemin had told him Donghyuck was at the infirmary, and literally proceed to dash all the way there. It felt like this action was revealing something exposed and raw and unsightly about himself.

But at that moment, all he cared about was how fast he could get to the sick bay in the next building. Running across the courtyard and pushing through clumps of meandering students with whispered apologies, he abruptly realised that he should have bought a snack to bring along as Donghyuck would probably be feeling hungry. But it was too late and he was too abashed to head back to the canteen to get one, so he just stopped by at a vending machine along the corridor to purchase a can of green tea. They didn't have the fancy organic brand that Donghyuck liked, but he didn't think Donghyuck would mind. Then he continued on his brisk trot, his heartbeat picking up in sync with his footsteps as he neared the open door of the sick bay.

Almost two years had gone by, but it seemed like when it was towards Donghyuck, he was always running. He had always been proud to be a laidback, calm kind of guy, but when it came to Donghyuck, he seriously had zero chill.

Renjun slowed his steps as he neared and took a deep breath, then stuck his head round the door and peeked in. Relief flooded him to see Donghyuck indeed in the room, lying on one of the beds with his back towards the door, the curtain half-drawn. He seemed to be in one piece and healthy enough, at least to have fallen asleep.

Renjun was looming awkwardly over him, feeling like a creep for watching Donghyuck sleep without his knowledge with avid eyes, and debating whether to shake him awake gently or just leave. It had been a while since they had interacted alone; their tutoring sessions for the last few weeks having been cancelled because either Renjun or Donghyuck texted each other at the last minute to say they were busy. (He had lied after Donghyuck called the previous week off because he worried he didn't want to see him.)

Now, he had finally decided on the safer and more cowardly option -- to go back to his classroom since he had ensured Donghyuck's safety -- and was quietly placing the can of green tea on the bedside table with no note. Hopefully Donghyuck wouldn't have an inkling that he had visited when he woke up.

He was turning to leave reluctantly, heart heavy and buoyed at the same time just by their missed proximity, when a hand grabbed his so suddenly he jumped. He spun around to see Donghyuck blinking awake sleepily, looking adorably groggy. His hair was all tousled from the pillow and his eyes were hooded.

"Renjun?" he whispered, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and clumsily getting into a sitting position. He winced as he bent his legs and Renjun's eyes flew down to see an angry red gash on his right knee.

His dismay must have shown on his face because Donghyuck quickly said, "It's not as bad as it looks! It doesn't even hurt anymore." He smiled reassuringly at Renjun.

"I just came here to get a nap because I could, really." His voice grew braggy as he stretched his arms with smug satisfaction. "Why are you here though?"

Renjun blushed painfully. He eased his hand discreetly out of Donghyuck's. "Jaemin told me you got hurt and I just... dropped by on my way back to class to check on you for a minute." He shoved his hands in his pockets, affecting nonchalance.

Donghyuck frowned. "Aren't the classrooms in the next building?"

"I... I have Chemistry next period!" Renjun fibbed desperately, sweating. He was a terrible liar. "I'm going to the lab."

"Oh." Donghyuck's eyes cleared, but he looked disappointed. The bell signalling the end of recess promptly rang with ironic timing.

Donghyuck quirked an eyebrow. "Aren't you going to head for class?"

Renjun cleared his throat guiltily, and didn't reply, instead questioning, "Why haven't you taken care of the wound yet?"

Donghyuck blushed slightly and shrugged. "The nurse wasn't around, and I fell asleep waiting... I'll do it now." He got off the bed and limped towards the trolley of bandages and other medical supplies.

"Wait!" Renjun blurted out. Donghyuck stopped in his tracks, confused. Renjun quickly strode towards him and steered him back to the bed with his hands on his shoulders.

"Sit down," he said gently. "Let me help you."

"Don't you have to get to Chem?" Donghyuck looked so puzzled and concerned that Renjun felt a pang of pity.

He evaded the question again and muttered, "It doesn't matter. I don't mind being a little late. Let's get you patched up first."

Donghyuck looked reluctant, but he obediently sat back down, watching Renjun as he wheeled the trolley over and sat down on the bedside chair, facing Donghyuck.

Donghyuck hadn't changed out of his PE uniform, so he was still in his gym shirt which smelt faintly of sweat, but not in an unappealing way, and shorts. The white socks slipping down his ankles over scruffy canvas shoes made him look younger than usual, schoolboyish. Sitting meekly before Renjun with his surprisingly knobbly knees, he looked his mere seventeen years in a way that made Renjun ache with protectiveness.

"You're so nice, Renjun," Donghyuck mumbled so softly Renjun almost missed it as he carefully bent over Donghyuck's knee and disinfected it with cotton wipes, then applied a bandage.

His words made Renjun look up to find them unnervingly close, Donghyuck's eyes unfocused and glazed over as he looked down at Renjun, indecipherably dark. They both jerked away at the same time as their eyes locked with each other, Renjun's hand falling from Donghyuck's leg.

"I'm not," Renjun muttered curtly as he busied himself with arranging the roll of bandages and antiseptic bottle back on the trolley to hide the tremor of his fingers. He didn't dare to touch Donghyuck again because he was done with the dressing and no longer had any pretense to. Donghyuck's words pierced and embarrassed him deeply.

Donghyuck was studying his handiwork, looking grateful. "Yes you are," he insisted, looking up and gazing at Renjun steadily. "You're an angel."

The simple but sincere words, in Donghyuck's deep and intimate drawl, made something stir deep inside Renjun. Donghyuck's tone was mild but stern, brooking no argument. He seemed genuinely convinced of this, to believe it unquestionably.

It was inconceivable to Renjun that Donghyuck couldn't plainly see how hypocritical he was, pretending to be kind and caring just because he wanted Donghyuck to like him. To find him likable. When really he was as self-centered as any other person, and he only cared because it was Donghyuck. Because he cared about everything related to Donghyuck. He couldn't see how gutless Renjun was, always hiding -- from Donghyuck; from himself.

But maybe it was precisely this quality of Donghyuck's -- this inability to see anything but the good and praiseworthy qualities within Renjun, that made Renjun so happy being around him.

All his anxieties that Donghyuck didn't want to see him seemed ludicrous now, far-fetched, when Donghyuck was looking up at him so trustingly and smiling a wordless thank you with his crinkly eyes.

"Will you be busy this week too?" Donghyuck asked in a small, hopeful voice that made Renjun's heart go out to him.

He shook his head, words failing him. "Will you?" he managed.

A heartfelt smile lit up Donghyuck's demeanor. "Me neither," he said shyly. "I missed you...r Mandarin lessons." He coughed and cast his lashes down, veiling his eyes and blushed in that way which could only be called pretty.

"Me too." His skin was starting to crawl from the sappiness level of their conversation, but he couldn't help replying. The way Donghyuck's face shone was reward enough.

"I'm sorry for being difficult and wilful... and disrespectful," Donghyuck blurted out, apropos to nothing.

Renjun glanced up sharply, finding his eyes which looked ashamed. He quickly shook his head vigorously. "No, you didn't do anything wrong!"

Donghyuck looked up at him with a half-smile, and made a face. "Stop doing that," he groaned.

"Doing what?" Renjun said blankly.

"Making me feel like a brat," he complained with half-hearted snark.

"What'd I do?" Renjun gaped, feeling wronged.

Donghyuck laughed. "Nothing. It's just... the way you are. You're so mature and I..." He looked down again, toying with the hem of his shorts.

Renjun felt a jab of guilt. "It was my fault," he said more firmly. "I shouldn't have acted so stuck-up and condescending. It's only natural you got angry."

"I was angry... because it's true. You are so much more grown-up than me." He shrugged, but it obviously bothered him.

If you only knew, Renjun thought. That inside, he had never once felt a single eon wiser than or senior to Donghyuck.

He cleared his throat in the silence that fell. He wanted to reach out to touch Donghyuck, but didn't have the nerve to.

"I gotta go," he murmured instead, and turned briskly to leave because it suddenly seemed important that he be the first to.

"Okay," he heard Donghyuck say behind him, voice cavalier. "Thanks, bro. See ya later."

He was thankful not to be facing Donghyuck because after that conversation the insouciant bro made him flinch, then feel inexplicably angry so he didn't respond and continued walking.

But at the door, something made him stop and turn back. His heart missed a startled beat to find Donghyuck gazing forlornly at him with a hungry glint in his eyes. He swiftly looked down when Renjun caught him, ears reddening.

"I... I bought a green tea for you," Renjun tripped over his words, gesturing awkwardly to the bedside table. "Rest a bit longer if your hurt still knees... I mean knees still hurt. And Duckie..." The nickname that he seldom, but was the only one to, addressed Donghyuck with slipped out so naturally it was unconscious. Donghyuck looked as stunned by it as him. "Be more careful," Renjun finished, his face boiling as he tore his eyes away without waiting for Donghyuck's answer and fled.

And so it seemed like they had made up. Even though thinking back, Renjun wasn't exactly sure what the conflict had been in the first place. Probably, he had just made up a non-existent reason to disagree with Donghyuck. And failed miserably because even if he had a million excuses to, he would never, at any point in time, feel like not being friends with Donghyuck. And he was more glad than he could admit that they had met in the middle.

All in all, eighteen was a memorable year for Renjun, frustrating in many ways but somehow satisfying overall.