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An amusing shade of red painted the floor, both from the color of the leftover party cups and the punch that spilled all over the tiles. There’s cake icing smeared everywhere—the dining table, the bar, the couch, the passed out Jisung whose head is almost dangling from the ancient rocking chair at the center of the living room. A little further to the left of that sight, Chenle is sitting cross legged on the floor, playing a MOBA game. Judging by the sounds of “Defeat!” echoing over and over, it’s not going well.
It’s a mess, but it’s the kind of mess that Mark is willing to clean up again and again. He regards everything with a soft smile before he goes back to sweeping the confetti on the floor. Although the physical traces of the celebration are being tidied up, the feelings and the memories still linger around the air.
When Mark looks up again to check if Chenle has given up on the game or if Jisung has finally jerked awake, Renjun’s figure appears in the sight. He is talking to Chenle while gently shaking Jisung’s body, as if trying to wake him up. In a matter of seconds, Chenle is pocketing his phone and helping Renjun guide a half-awake Jisung to his room.
On their way to the staircase, Renjun glances slightly towards Mark and instantly smiles when he finds the guy already looking at him. His fiancé gives him a small nod before proceeding to take Chenle and Jisung upstairs.
His heart swells at the thought.
His fiancé.
It still feels surreal that he’s able to call Renjun that. From years of thinking his brother’s best friend is cute, to months of figuring out, coming in terms, and acting on his feelings, to years of having the honor of being Renjun’s boyfriend, and to months of building up every bit of love, courage and certainty to ask Renjun to spend the rest of their lives together.
Mark originally planned to create a grand romantic gesture for the proposal. In the middle of his movie night with Renjun in their apartment, Mark was debating between hiring a flash mob or renting an entire planetarium to conduct his plan. While he’s busy thinking about that, Renjun’s eyes lit up at the fortune he got from his fortune cookie (something about a bountiful breakfast tomorrow, Mark can’t remember the specifics anymore) and Mark’s heart has never felt surer in that moment.
He laughed to himself that time. Mark realized that he didn’t need a flash mob or a planetarium. He could do it right here, right now. And if Mark was a hundred years old and they’re still doing this in their home, watching a sappy drama movie while eating Chinese takeout, then that’s more than enough for him.
So in the middle of Renjun celebrating his fortune, Mark excused himself to get the little box from his office coat’s pocket, and in a matter of moments, he laid his entire heart and soul out. And Renjun, who’s just as certain and in love, gladly accepted it without hesitation.
They planned on keeping it a secret at first, but of course that wouldn’t work. Their friends can easily see right through them. The first one to find out was Jeno, and honestly, that wasn’t surprising, considering that he’s Mark’s brother and Renjun’s best friend. Soon enough, Donghyuck finds out, and then Jaemin obviously follows, and then Jisung, and then Chenle, and then their respective families, and it only took at least two days for them to get congratulatory messages and subtle questions about the upcoming wedding. Mark and Renjun would thank them for the former and joke with them about the latter. They’ll cross that bridge when they get there.
Donghyuck, who’s always happy to have an excuse to throw a party, initiated the celebration. He let them use one of his family’s many summer houses and they invited Mark and Renjun’s friends for a rather upbeat engagement party. It’s mostly just a bunch of karaoke songs and rounds of King’s Cup and a drunken political science quiz bee conducted by Donghyuck and Jaemin who were now speaking in law jargons that time. As the night passed, their guests slowly went home, until only the seven of them were left.
It’s a small group formed before Mark and Renjun even started dating. Jaemin and Donghyuck were Mark’s friends, while Chenle and Jisung were Renjun’s friends. Jeno was basically the glue that held them together. In some way, Jeno was also the one Mark should thank for getting where he is right now with Renjun. Sure, Mark is grateful that a lot of people are happy and celebrating their engagement, but even if the said celebration was just the seven of them hanging out together, that would’ve been more than enough for him.
He’s swept almost all of the confetti when Renjun returns downstairs, immediately heading to where he is. Mark lets the broom he’s holding rest on the wall as he faces Renjun.
“Thought you’d be drunk,” Renjun immediately says, grinning.
“I know, I impressed myself too,” Mark chuckles. “But someone has to stay sober. Plus, I want to remember all of this tomorrow when I wake up, and I don’t want to nurse a headache.”
Renjun laughs, and it’s such a short moment but Mark swears he’s falling in love again. He reaches out to hold one of Renjun’s hand, smiling as he feels the ring brushing against his skin when he links their fingers.
“It’s a very nice party,” Renjun agrees, swaying their hands. “I especially enjoyed the part where your friend from Engineering won Donghyuck and Jaemin’s quiz bee.”
“Jungwoo hyung was just guessing,” Mark muses. “Speaking of Donghyuck and Jaemin, where are they?”
Renjun rolls his eyes. “Oh, you know.”
Mark gets the implication right away. “They wouldn’t . It’s our engagement party.”
“Please, I could hear them when I was helping Chenle and Jisung to their rooms,” Renjun ends his statement with another laugh, and then Mark follows suit.
Jisung has probably passed out again. Chenle might have gone back to his game, or just like Jisung, succumbed to slumber. Donghyuck and Jaemin are busy. Renjun is right here, holding his hand and his heart. That leaves—
“Over there,” Renjun answers, before Mark can even ask. He’s pointing towards the terrace where a familiar figure is resting against the railing.
Mark sighs. “Is he drunk?”
Renjun smiles a little bit. “If he’s drunk, he would be fast asleep on the floor. I think he’s just tipsy.”
They both watch Jeno from that distance. They know the reason for the solemn atmosphere, but none of them voice it out loud.
Sometime during the party, Mark’s parents called to check up on them. Since Mark is preoccupied with entertaining the guests, it’s Jeno who answered the call. What’s supposed to be a simple update turned into an argument between Jeno and their parents who were once again persuading Jeno to work under Mark’s university. Jeno’s mood became gloomy from then on. He excused himself away from the crowd, wanting to be alone for a while.
“I never like it when they talk to him like that,” Mark mutters, his heart aching for his brother.
Renjun sighs. “Me too.”
Mark has heard testimonies about the middle child syndrome, and even though he never experienced it, seeing Jeno go through it his entire life still hurts Mark in a way. Jeno always gets compared to him. Most of the things Jeno owns are once Mark’s. Whatever Jeno accomplishes, it wouldn’t matter much because Mark has done it first. Or if Jeno hasn’t accomplished something that Mark has done, his relatives will ask him why he didn’t follow Mark’s footsteps.
Mark often wonders if Jeno resents him for that. If that were the case, he can’t exactly blame him.
“You should check up on him,” Mark says, voice barely a whisper. He feels guilty for some reason. Sure, he stands up for Jeno and he tells his parents off whenever he can, but Mark knows that’s still not enough. “You always know what to say.”
Renjun is probably the person that Jeno trusts the most, having been by his side ever since preschool. Even though Mark is now Renjun’s fiancé (god , bless his heart), he knows that Renjun and Jeno’s friendship is just as special as their relationship, in their own unique way.
He feels Renjun’s hand stiffen a bit in his hold. Mark’s forehead creases.
“Something wrong?” he asks, concerned.
It takes a while before Renjun replies. “I feel like he’s avoiding me lately,” he finally says. “Or… I don’t know. He’s always been gloomy these past few days. Whenever I ask him why, he’ll say it’s nothing. I know that he’s lying, and he knows that I know that, but he’s still not saying anything.”
Even in the dim light of the living room, the worry in Renjun’s expression is clear as day.
“And,” Renjun adds, once Mark doesn’t say anything. He squeezes his hand. “I think it’ll mean a lot more if you’re the one who’ll talk to him. Given that it’s a matter of…”
Family. Renjun didn’t say it out loud, but he didn’t have to. Mark understood immediately.
Throughout all the years, Mark and Jeno have never explicitly talked about the internal conflict happening in their family. Mark thinks it’s not his place to bring it up. Nevertheless, he’ll be there whenever Jeno decides to open the topic.
But he’s worried. Both for Renjun and Jeno.
So, he agrees.
He gently raises Renjun’s hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles softly.
“Okay, I’ll check up on him,” he whispers.
Renjun smiles gratefully. They slowly let go of their hands as Mark starts to make his way to Jeno. After a while, he hears Renjun’s receding footsteps, probably going upstairs to give the brothers some privacy.
Jeno turns around before Mark can even make his presence known. His eyelids look heavy, his cheeks are flushed, and his body weight is supported by the terrace’s railing.
“Hey hyung,” Jeno manages to smile weakly.
Mark returns the gesture. “Hey. It’s getting late.”
Jeno replies with a resigned sigh. He turns his gaze back to the starless sky. Mark only notices the bottle Jeno’s hand is holding when it briefly clashes with grills. He quietly walks beside Jeno, keeping a respectable distance between them, before leaning over the railing and looking up to the sky as well.
“Not a lot of light tonight,” Mark starts again, observing the crescent that illuminates the sky on his own.
“Yeah…”
Awkward silence engulfs the atmosphere around them. Although this isn’t a positive thing, Mark is already familiar with it. This has happened way too often in their lives.
He feels his stomach drop. Even though it frequently happens, he still hates it every single time.
Mark takes his chances and speaks again. “About Mom and Dad a while ago…”
Jeno lets out a sigh.
“I think the university you’re teaching at is very admirable,” Mark continues. “And I believe you’re one of the best professors there. I keep telling Mom and Dad that. I’m sorry they keep giving you a hard time.”
“It’s okay,” Jeno says softly, sounding like he almost means it. “I’m used to it.”
It’s like a punch in the gut. Mark knows their parents love Jeno a lot, but he wishes that they show it better, because whatever it is they’re doing, it’s not helping.
“I’m sorry,” Mark says. For the first time in his life, he says that out loud, with the intention of apologizing for all the unfair treatment that Jeno endured because of him. “You shouldn’t be used to that.”
Just when Mark thinks they’ll drown in silence again, Jeno replies, “It’s not your fault.”
Mark doesn’t believe that.
He will never understand how Jeno feels. Parents say that they love all of their children, but no matter how much they deny it, they will always have favorites. Mark used to deny this when he was young, but as time passes by, he starts to see the reality. Their youngest sibling—their only sister—does not get the unpleasant end of this truth more than Jeno. She’s a decade younger than them, anyway. Mark and Jeno are only a year apart, which seems to make matters worse.
“Hyung,” Jeno calls for him again. “Don’t think too much about it.”
“I can’t,” Mark admits truthfully. “I feel like I could’ve been a better brother. You didn’t have to go through all of that.”
“It’s inevitable,” Jeno responds, and it hurts how defeated he sounds. “And…”
He doesn’t continue what he’s saying. Mark turns to look at him. Instead of looking up to the sky, his gaze is cast downwards.
Mark doesn’t want to pressure him into continuing. He just lets him be, and the silence gets the better of them again.
“How’s everyone?” Jeno asks, changing the topic.
“Jisung’s fast asleep,” Mark begins, trying to keep the tone light. “I think Chenle’s asleep too by now. Hopefully Donghyuck and Jaemin too, but who knows what they’re doing.”
Jeno laughs a little bit at that. Mark smiles. He wishes his brother would cheer up more often.
“Renjun?” Jeno asks after a while.
Mark hesitates, but eventually decides to gamble. “He told me you’re avoiding him. He says you’re hiding something from him. He didn’t tell me this, but I think he believes he did something that caused… that.”
Jeno purses his lips. So Renjun wasn’t wrong.
“Sorry,” Jeno says before Mark can even ask anything further. “I’m just… out of loop lately. I promise, he did nothing wrong. It’s all me.”
That’s when a thought strikes Mark for the first time in his life. Sure, Renjun is the person that Jeno trusts the most, and has been more present in his life than Mark, but in the end, Mark is his brother. Renjun is right. It’s a matter of family. It’s time that Mark becomes a brother to Jeno.
“You can tell me,” Mark encourages him. “But only if you want to. I promise I won’t get mad. I won’t tell Renjun. Or if it’s about Mom and Dad, I won’t tell them too. Or even if it’s about me. I won’t get ahead of you. I’ll just listen.”
Jeno looks at him, and it’s only when their eyes meet that Mark notices the sadness in his expression. Jeno glances at his bottle, raises it to his lips and drinks whatever is left of it in one straight go.
After that, he casts his gaze upward.
“I never resented you,” Jeno begins. “I was jealous, sure, but I never hated you. I appreciated all the things you’ve done for me. Even when you think they’re not enough, I’m still grateful for them everyday. It’s not your fault you’re… a stellar kid. And it’s not your fault that you were born first.”
It’s not your fault either, Mark wants to say, but he doesn’t voice that out and lets Jeno continue.
“It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, though,” Jeno admits. “Every time Mom orders a bucket of chicken, she’ll let you pick first because you’re the eldest. You always pick the drumsticks I like, so I’ll settle for the wings. Every time Dad has an event in his office, you’ll be the one he’ll bring along because you’re the eldest. At least I’d have the TV all to myself that time, and that’s the thing that comforted me whenever you guys would come home with your pockets full of snacks and memories. I wished that the first thing Mom and Dad would tell me when I top the class was that they’re proud of me, and not oh, just like your Mark hyung! I wished my classmates acknowledged me more as who I am, and not just Mark Lee’s brother.”
Jeno is right. There’s no resentment in his tone. But the sadness and defeat is unmissable. Mark’s heart aches.
“Although, I endured everything. Despite those, I was still happy,” and indeed, Jeno is starting to smile as he says those. There’s a short pause, and then he proceeds and says, “Because Renjun was there, you know?”
And then there it is. The smile that Mark is familiar with. He hasn’t seen much of it lately, probably because they’re growing up and they’re all pursuing their own paths, but it’s the smile that Jeno has whenever he’s with Renjun.
Mark feels guilty. With the way Jeno looks right now, Renjun is more of a brother to him than Mark ever was.
“He’d take me to that street food stall outside of school that fries chicken drumsticks,” Jeno continues in a now dazed state. “He’s close to the vendor. He’ll always tell them to reserve the biggest drumstick for me. And whenever you’re out with Mom and Dad for their office events, he’ll come over and watch anime shows with me. He’s the first to congratulate me on every good news I receive. He’s always treated me as just Jeno, which is more than enough for me.”
Amidst all the guilt, Mark feels grateful. Renjun and Jeno grew up with him, so he has witnessed everything Jeno just said, and everything related to that.
“And then around high school he got this stupid crush on you,” Jeno laughs a little bit at that, but to Mark, it doesn’t sound cheerful at all. “Even until college, he keeps joking that I set you up with him. I’d laugh it off and tease him about it, until one day you told me that you found him cute too.”
Mark remembers that day. After accidentally slipping to Jeno that he finds Renjun cute, Jeno has been making small efforts to get Renjun and Mark to spend time together. That memory makes him smile a little bit.
“I wasn’t upset tonight because of Mom and Dad,” Jeno begins, the volume dropping low. The mirth in his voice slowly fades, and Mark is getting a grim feeling again. “I told you, I’m used to it. I don’t care about it much anymore, not after…”
He trails away again, glancing at the bottle he’s now clutching. Mark gets the impression that Jeno is relying on the alcohol he drank to say these things. The evening wind feels a lot damper once he realizes that whatever Jeno is about to say next, he’s been keeping it to himself all alone.
Jeno looks at Mark once again. “After you two got together.”
Mark suddenly feels the sweat in his palms and the weight of his feet. A grim feeling prickles on his skin. And the way his brother is looking at him with so much brokenness makes it all worse.
“You have the praise,” Jeno says, slowly looking back to the sky. “The skills, the charm, the talent, the favor, the glory—you have everything.”
And there it is again. The unpleasant silence that’s always in between them. Mark’s heart breaks as soon as he sees something glistening on Jeno’s cheek.
Tears, he observes painfully. He’s crying.
Jeno closes his eyes and takes a deep, shuddering breath.
“But why, hyung?” Jeno proceeds softly with an even more broken voice. “Why did you have to take him too?”
Mark is stunned for a few seconds. Confusion overtakes his emotions for a short while, until his brain eventually pieces everything together. The reserved smiles, the special bond, the hidden confession in Jeno’s previous words—it’s all coming together.
And Jeno’s next words only confirmed it.
“I never fully cared that I didn’t have anything for myself… because he was there. And for a long time, I held onto that. I didn’t care that you had the first choices, the popularity, the most love from Mom and Dad. I didn’t care because I had him with me.”
The lack of stars that night makes the sky already dark as it is, and yet somehow, the entire atmosphere begins to dim even more. The lingering warmth brought by the party is quickly dissipating, and an unwelcoming rush of cold creeps its way to the space they’re in.
“Of everything that is yours,” Jeno says, trying to steady his voice. “He’s the only one I ever wanted to be mine.”
Something wet graces Mark’s cheek. He realizes it wasn’t the damp wind this time.
Jeno purses his lips again and looks upward, as if trying to get all the tears threatening to fall to back out. After a few seconds, he lets out a shaky laugh.
“And still,” he’s laughing, but it’s far from happy. “It’s not your fault. It never was. You’re just naturally like that, and I can’t blame him. I can’t blame you. I came out here not because Mom and Dad pissed me off, but because I was reminded that you have everything. And by everything, I didn’t mean those stupid drumsticks or stupid office events or stupid congratulatory Facebook posts.”
Jeno takes a deep breath.
“By everything, I meant Renjun.”
Mark doesn’t know what to say. He’s feeling several emotions all at once. It’s the second time Jeno mentions Renjun’s name in their conversation tonight, and it holds more weight than the first time.
He thinks Jeno will say something more, but Jeno keeps his lips pursed as he looks straight ahead.
Mark gambles again. Just to be certain, he attempts to ask. “Are you…”
In love with Renjun?
He doesn’t say it out loud, but Jeno knows what he’s getting across. His brother nods solemnly.
“But don’t be sorry,” Jeno gets ahead of him before Mark can even utter another word. “If anyone’s at fault here, it’s me. I was the one who held back. I’m only here in this situation because of me. I was the one who didn’t face his feelings head on. I was the one who was scared of how things would change if I confessed.”
Jeno has every reason to be, Mark thinks. If he’s in Jeno’s position, he too would be scared to risk their friendship over something uncertain.
But he’s not in Jeno’s position. Never was, never will.
And Mark will never fully understand him.
But still, even though Mark cares for Jeno so much and wants him to be happy, Mark cannot control the course of his heart, just like how Jeno can’t control his own. He’s so so in love with Renjun, and that’s not bound to change anytime.
Mark wishes there’s another way, a path that will make both of them happy. But that’s not the case, as proven by the years he and Jeno went through.
“Hyung,” Jeno calls out to him again once the silence attempts to take over. “I meant it when I said I don’t resent you. I know that’s hard to believe, but I really don’t.”
“Jen,” Mark says after a while. “I’m sorry.”
There are so many emotions and messages he wants to get across, but no words can come close to delivering that more than those two. And it breaks Mark’s heart that that’s all he can do.
“You don’t have to be,” Jeno whispers. “Even though I was jealous of you, I never blamed you for anything. I’ve always admired you, deep down.”
They both look up at the night sky this time. As expected, the only light greeting them is the moon, looking just as solemn as the atmosphere around them.
“And I know you’ll treat him well,” Jeno continues. “Even though he’s not mine, I’m grateful he’s yours.”
He turns to Mark again.
“I’m glad you’re marrying him. Again, I know that’s hard to believe, but I really am. It’ll take time for me to completely come to terms with it, but I know at the end of this, I’ll be reassured. And I’m sorry that I ruined your night by dumping all of these.”
Mark is quick to shake his head. “You didn’t ruin anything. And you don’t have to apologize for that, Jen. For all you’ve been through, you’re the last person who should be apologizing.”
Jeno almost looks away, but Mark speaks again.
“I’m glad that you told me,” Mark adds, reaching out to pat his brother’s shoulder. He’s grateful that Jeno doesn’t flinch at the gesture. “I’m glad that you let me listen.”
Albeit small, Jeno smiles. Although he doesn’t say anything else after that.
A new type of silence embraces them at that moment. It still doesn’t feel positive, but it feels relatively different from the one they’re used to.
“Hyung,” Jeno says, and Mark almost hears the sob that almost comes out. “I’d like to be alone for a while, please.”
Mark retreats his hand and nods. “Of course.”
Slowly, he turns around and makes his way to the entrance. He gives one last glance towards his brother, but Jeno’s back is already facing him. He sees Jeno’s shoulder shake slightly, and hears the sobs arrive.
Mark looks away. It’s a sight that Jeno doesn’t want anyone to see, and he’ll respect that. With a heavy heart, Mark enters the house and closes the door behind.
Why did you have to take him too?
An amusing shade of red painted the floor, both from the color of the leftover party cups and the punch that spilled all over the tiles. There’s cake icing smeared everywhere—the dining table, the bar, the couch, the rocking chair where Jisung passed out a while ago. If Mark looks behind, he’ll see Jeno with his broken heart out in the open, and there’s nothing he can do about it.
It’s a mess, and it’s the kind of mess that Mark has no idea how to properly fix.