Chapter Text
This is stupid. This is dumb. This is sparta.
You wish Dave was here to haphazardly trip you backwards down the steps for even having that thought before breaking into a rant about the safety precautions you need to take when it comes to staircases, but you can't bring yourself to grin even a little bit thinking of the absolute bullshit he'd spew since, well, you were right about the first two phrases. This was definitely stupid and definitely dumb.
It's quiet except for the blood rushing in your ears and the deep breaths you're pulling in fast and releasing too slow. If you unfocused your eyes you'd see the dust motes in the air; if you leaned against the wall you'd be able to feel the ones that stuck too.
You cough and it echoes down behind you, briefly bouncing off the concrete of the elevator that travels up the center of the stairwell. Elevator was shitty, just like the stairs you currently occupied that didn't have a handrail. Dumb machine being out of order on the one day you come here and actually need it since lugging four suitcases up forty floors wasn't exactly what you planned to do today. Then you've got to bring up furniture after in the exact same way. You're glad you locked the van because right now laying down on the floor of your apartment sounds much better than climbing all the way back down, that is assuming you ever get up there.
You add it all to your mental list of things you'd like to think you'll bitch about to Dave later if it wouldn't totally ruin his "super sand-tastic vacation in the sweltering summer sun, that's alliteration Egbert, trust me, I'm a lawyer." Said vacation that included your two other best friends, Jade and Rose. Said vacation that should've included you.
You sigh to yourself, abandoning your hope of climbing in search of the Grey Beards at this point. You drop your bags on the landing a few steps above you and snag a seat on a warm step too close to the too tall window.
Even with your vertigo and the light glaring off your glasses, you can't help but take a glance down, admiring the absolute magnitude of this place: the park a few streets away, the rest of the skyscrapers off to the right, and the suburbs out to the left. You know if you were on the opposite side of the building you'd be able to see the more unfortunate area of the city. The building itself was almost a cornerstone for the different sections you wouldn't normally notice divided if you were just walking through town. You wonder if the people living here are from all the different areas, or just one.
A rush of dizziness hits you and you turn your attention to your old blue nikes, ignoring the quiver in your legs and gripping the step. Studying the faded canvas of your sneakers, you remember that dad bought you these a while back as an apology for putting pink hair dye in your shampoo. That manages to make you smile. You miss him. Moving all the way from Washington to Texas just to go to the college here in Houston last fall meant you haven't seen him in person since.
Admittedly, you did choose to come here, after trying out at your dream college in New York and failing miserably. By that point Rose was already down at Princeton, so going to Julliard would've been a fresh start in a way you didn't want anyway. The college you're at now isn't the best, but at least you're with your best friend. And it's not that bad, really. You're just frustrated you guess, over everything that's happening.
It's not just that you don't get to prank thousands of unsuspecting people that you're a little blue. You haven't seen Rose since last summer and Jade since winter break the year before. Now you finally had a chance to go down to Mexico for four months with Rose and Dave to stay at a "hotel so swanky they have a replica ten chapels painted on the ceiling, dicks and everything, nobody's ever made a size joke it's that classy, I hope the concierge is ready for me and my devilish wit filled to the bursting with nothing but jokes of the shrivel variety" where Jade was just a short boat ride away at the Harley island since "oh my god John! They won't even let Bec in the lobby let alone the jacuzzi and practically called the cops when we, uh, kind of set some lobsters free.... But the point is what kind of a prison is this that my dog can't even relax at the sauna I will not support this kind of cruelty!!!" which you and Dave just tried not to laugh at during the call because yeah, that's definitely Jade you're going to visit.
Or were, for you anyway.
Dave was already on his flight, a cliche run and hug featuring the two of you before he raced to the terminal was the last time you saw him. You waved as he hollered that he'll always love you and dropped a pristine hankie with his initials embroidered on the side. Of course you picked it up, you're not going to break a young maiden's heart. That is unless it's because there's a war going on and she must get to safety but won't leave unless you tell her you don't love her anymore. Wow okay, classic movie marathoning with Dave while you both packed up your dorm room was such a good idea.
He messaged you pretty soon after that, saying he'd skype as soon as he touched down and to not worry about Bro too bad. Even if his ironic bull was usually pretty sincere, this was just like, full on sincere. You must've looked pretty frazzled when he boarded for him to be acting like that. Not frazzled enough for him to stay obviously.
In all fairness to Dave though, he did offer to not go, but as you thought earlier you're not heartless when it comes to maidens. Dave definitely deserved a vacation with the late nights he'd been pulling for finals hurrying to finish the last of his projects. So you told him no, go pick up some beach babes and live the life you'd always wanted to lead without you, while you faded away into the dust that was your social life. He replied that first of all they were beach ladies, second he was more into the beach lads if he had to choose, and third you'd faded away on orientation day when you showed up in your ghostbusters pajamas since you'd overslept.
"Objection! Might I remind you that you're the one that shut my alarm off?" You remember pointing Phoenix Wright style at him.
"Slander! It was retaliation, self defense if you will. You actually set up a smuppet trap in my one safe place, John. I was free of those in my own home and you just, destroyed my trust. How could you. How, dare, you," he'd feigned anger since yeah he totally got you back and then some he wasn't allowed to be pissed.
By the end of it the both of you had to call up Rose and ask her who was right, but she was busy with homework at the time and instead just asked the two of you when you'd "stop with all the theatrics. John, clearly covering Dave in plush phallics is something you've always harbored, and Dave, tricking John into going through a crowd of thousands of students in nothing but his utterly adorable pajamas? Seems to be some sort of exhibitionism, definitely links back to your own childhood fear of showing up to school in your underwear. Remember when we had that talk?"
Dave hung up on her immediately after that. You're damn sure Rose knew one of you would so she could get back to her work too. No doubt another essay on the history of homoerotic subtext in documents from the mythic Middle Ages.
After that the two of you finished up your last movie in the marathon. All your bags and furniture were already loaded into the uHaul thank god, and Dave's bro had put Dave's stuff into storage for him already. Kicking Dave's ass at Smash was the last thing you needed to do that night.
Once you crushed him like the boss ass bitch you are, you skipped out to the local 24 hour coffeehouse on campus. Definitely way too awake with nerves to sleep. That left Dave to get some much needed shut eye at his brother's apartment just a few blocks away. He wouldn't of been able to sleep if you'd both stayed at the room on the floor anyway. Your snoring kept him up when you slept on your back, whereas his sobbing "unfairly overpowered what the fuck" Diddy Kong all night would've kept you up just as much.
You guess he couldn't sleep either though, because once you'd ordered and given a wink to the cashier who just replied with, "Aren't you that Ghostbusters kid?," your phone started vibrating with pesters from Dave.
TG: john
TG: holy shit i just realized
TG: this is the greatest idea ive ever had
TG: you know how bro owns this whole building
TG: and summer dorms are more expensive this year
TG: and he has a tenant that moved out a few weeks ago
TG: their apartment was right across the hall from my birth place
TG: yes thats right bro had a home birth
TG: no spinal tap needed
TG: got me out in eight minutes flat
TG: the doctors were amazed like
TG: sir can you believe this
TG: a dick with a dick just gave birth
EB: no. no bad.
TG: you didnt even give me a chance to explain exactly how ill this idea is
TG: or finish my metaphor
TG: asshole
EB: yeah ill as in sick! i know exactly where you're going with this and.
EB: just.
EB: no.
TG: find your chill john
TG: wheres it gone
TG: run off with its twenty six year old girlfriend to fiji thats where
TG: basking in the glory of ninety degree sun
TG: deep sea diving and riding dolphins and shit
TG: you just know the hotel staff bumped them up to the deluxe package when they saw how fine its gf was
TG: ordering mojitos like its nobodys fuckin business
TG: using that "put it on my tab" voice the ostentatious have
TG: the voice ill have when i order mojitos like its nobodys fuckin business
TG: asshole probably leaves the glasses right on the beach
TG: that i wont do
TG: who does that
TG: ostentatious assholes are who
EB: dave.
TG: what
EB: chill.
EB: focus.
EB: concentrate.
TG: k
EB: okay. good.
EB: back to the important stuff now jeez did you forget to take your ritalin today?
TG: you cut me deep john
TG: but yeah
TG: i may or may not have let that particular detail slip my mind
TG: i blame all the packing we did
EB: i'm rolling my eyes at you right now.
EB: and i just scoffed. i actually scoffed. it was so passive aggressive you should've heard it.
TG: and im the one that needs to focus
EB: shut up you weaboo fuck.
TG: gonna need ice for that burn
EB: okay, well, it's still a bad idea regardless of the third degree sizzle i just gave you.
TG: that was so long ago ive practically forgotten
TG: not just talking about the idea but the word sizzle being in circulation
EB: second and third things today.
TG: ily2
TG: why is renting an apartment from my bro such a bad plan again
TG: its not like youre sharing a room
TG: bonus points to me for remembering am i right
EB: you said the only open one was across the hall.
TG: even better
TG: when i get back from my nauseatingly keen summer in mexico with the girls i can move with
EB: doesn't he like, record porn or some shit?? i don't want to hear that all the time.
TG: so some of the time would be okay i take it
TG: sadly soundproofing does wonders you wouldn't believe
EB: this is dumb you're dumb.
TG: hey not my fault you tanked home ec like a kamikaze pilot
EB: hey not my fault i flunked because YOU kept me up all night before the final playing WoW and debating night at the museum 3.
TG: ben stiller is a gift to our generation and you know it
TG: and be real here egbert you were gonna fail anyway
EB: ....
EB: they wanted me to taste the cake i made.... i... i couldn't do it dave. you know i couldn't.
TG: there there my child
TG: descend upon my bosom
TG: you dont have to think of that delectable opportunity ever again
EB: are you talking about the cake or your motherly boobs.
TG: both
EB: you know your boobs are the only ones i think about.
EB: but i do have to think about the cake because i have to retake the class this summer to keep my GPA up!!!
TG: plus you have to be out of the dorm and into the expensive one this week
EB: plus i have to be out of the dorm and into the expensive one this week!!!
EB: oh.
EB: yeah that.
TG: this is why i said rent from bro instead
TG: its cheap as dirt nobody wants to live right across from him
EB: that isn't helping. and isn't it a little late for this??
TG: hes ethereal as hell and you know it
TG: it's not too late
TG: it's never too late
TG: middle school dave sobs loudly in the distance
EB: we've all been there man. it was a warzone. we did what we had to do.
EB: if bro is anything like you then i disagree.
TG: youre being such a baby rn
EB: i'll call you daddy (;
TG: dude ew
TG: no
TG: john
TG: john why
EB: something is too far for a strider?
TG: way too far
TG: you went so far past the line you circled back to it
TG: passed chill and gave a wink to its gf
TG: stopped for one of those mojitos
EB: if i roll my eyes one more time they'll fall out of my head.
TG: cool
TG: put em in a jar
TG: it'll be my christmas present
EB: gross. anything for my daddy though (;
TG: gag me
EB: that's your job (;
TG: i'll spam you w memes if you keep this up
EB: which year?
TG: 2006
EB: nooooo!!!!! they haven't matured long enough yet!!!!!!!!
TG: seriously john
TG: rent from bro
TG: you cant afford to stay on campus for the summer
EB: okay but the replica proton pack was worth the money and you know it.
TG: got me there
TG: nerd
TG: snap
TG: really tho the only contact you need to have with him
TG: if you choose to accept your mission
TG: is handing your cash over once a month
TG: i can tell him hes got a new twink that wants to move in immediately
TG: ive never known him to turn one down
EB: why didn't you even bring the apartment up earlier?!
EB: not that i'm considering it.
TG: bro just mentioned the hot mom across the hall moved out when i got here
TG: why dont you just tell your dad you have to retake a whole semester
TG: while asking for more money to stay in a dorm all summer
TG: instead of going on a vacation he already helped you out with money for
TG: you can use it to get this radical condo with a rooftop view
EB: you know i don't like heights, but........
TG: thats what i thought
TG: now tell me the words
TG: im all eyes
EB: creepy.
TG: batting my lashes over here like a goddamn gratified lady in waiting
EB: *sigh* okay. fine.
EB: dave can you ask your brother if i can rent from him on such short notice.
TG: with all the emotional trauma youve put me through in the last twenty minutes
TG: gonna have to beg more than that egbert
EB: dave come on!
TG: you made it clear when you first moved here you didn't want me to "come on" anywhere near or to you
EB: DAVE.
TG: touchy jeez
TG: maybe you got a couple homoerotic feelings there
TG: lets ask rose
TG: baby (;
EB: can you just shut up and ask him.
EB: ..............
EB: please. you can even ravish me if you do.
TG: gasp so forward
TG: since you put it so nicely
TG: hes been reading over my shoulder for the past ten minutes
TG: you could move in tonight if you wanted
EB: i hate you so.
EB: so.
EB: so much.
TG: <3
TG: see you tomorrow
TG: bring a pen
EB: ugh.
TG: wait does this mean i don't get to ravish you or
- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -
You did meander back to the room with your hot cocoa at some point, passed out on the floor with your puffy blanket and pillow, totally already forgetting how the cashier blew you off before you left. She had too much of a piratey look for you anyway.
The next morning Dave handed you a key and ruffled your hair. "Son this is a big day for you. I'm entrusting this to you in the hopes you can one day become a man."
Half awake as you were and having just dreamt about harry potter style chess with your dad you replied, "Thanks dad I'll make you proud." No matter how much you tried to deny it later, you were way too sincere for Dave to believe you were just kidding. He's definitely going to bring it up the next time you talk to him, which means you'll just have to remind him of the time he thought he stepped on Jasper's paw and started crying. That was a wild trip.
He tacked on that Bro was out running errands, so he just gave him the key to give to you to let yourself in and you could just sign the papers later. You shrugged, helped him gather up the last of his things, and drove him to the airport. They didn't much like the fact you were bringing a decrepit looking uHaul into the parking lot, but Dave used his southern charm to win security over. Meaning they almost kicked him out of the airport but you got through security without a ticket to see him off at the terminal, and again cue cliche airport scene.
Now here you were. In the building, halfway to your destination, and wanting nothing more than to be hanging out with the three best friends you've ever had.
You pull Dave's hankie from your pocket, using it to wipe your glasses which had become a bit fogged while you were still catching your breath. You take a closer look at the embroidery. It was better than anything you'd seen your dad do. Dave really went all out for this. Must have had Bro sew it and everything.
You wince a little, sliding your glasses back on and tucking the handkerchief away.
That's right. Bro. Your new landlord for the summer.
"This is stupid," you grumble quietly to yourself. The noise bounces around regardless. "This is dumb."