Chapter Text
TW: Self-harm
“Gumi?” A voice from the other side of the door. I froze, shaking as I sat against the door. I let out a shuddering breath and leaned my head back against the door, hitting the wood a little too hard. “Megumi?” The voice again. Why wouldn't he just leave already? I didn't respond, just pressed my quivering lips together to silence the sob that was threatening to come out.
My arms stung. I slowly rolled my eyes down to them. Legs stretched out in front of me, arms resting on my thighs underside up. My pants were stained already, luckily they were black but it was still noticeable. My gaze fell on the bloody razor between my thighs, sitting in a small pool of crimson on the white tile. I drew my knees up to my chest, elbows resting against them, and threaded my fingers through my messy black hair.
“Megumi, are you okay?” That voice again. The door handle rattled, but I had locked it. I rested the palms of my hands on my forehead as tears dripped from my face. I bit my lip to shut myself up, focusing on breathing quietly.
“Megumi, please open the door.” The voice tried again. I just wanted him to leave me alone. But knowing him, he would break this door down sooner than leave. I just couldn't talk right now, I couldn't will my voice not to shake and waver and I didn't want him to hear me like that. Even though he’d raised me, I couldn't stand the fact that he’d have to see me like this; but it would only be one of countless times.
“At least say something so I know you're okay.” He was nervous and worried, it was my fault. Of course it was my fault. I really hadn't expected him to come home this early, he wasn't even supposed to come home today. It was unfortunate timing that he’d come home in the middle of an episode.
“Megumi, please.” He was pleading now. The great Satoru Gojo was pleading for me to say just one thing. I had single handedly brought him this low. Great fucking job, Megumi.
I cleared my throat, not like it would do anything. “I’m here.” I croaked out, unsure what else to say. It sounded like a sigh of relief, and I was hoping to hear retreating footsteps, but he wasn't going to leave until he got me out of this bathroom. I knew that much. “Can you open the door?” Satoru asked cautiously. But I already had my head buried in my own arms and knees, choking back sobs.
Why was I fucking like this? Why did I have to worry him like this? It was all I could do to cover my mouth and squeeze my eyes shut. The tears wouldn't stop leaking past my eyelashes and running down my face like rivers. The stinging in my arm was an afterthought, I dare say I was used to it. I heard the door knob rattling again and Satoru said something else but I wasn't listening.
I looked down at my wrist again. The red cuts had blood still bubbling from a few, trailing down my arms. My fingers were bloodied and stained, along with most of the skin on my arm. Whether it was dried or fresh, there was blood everywhere. I was doing so good, too. I had been clean for almost a month. I was fucking stupid. I promised Satoru I would stop. He was going to be so upset when he saw this.
I covered my eyes and cried again, biting my lip hard to keep quiet. “Megumi, can you please open the door? I'm not upset with you, I just need you to open the door. I need to know you're okay.” It was like he read my mind. But he probably had. Even without physically seeing me, he was good at reading me. Or maybe it was because we’d been here before. He knew what to say most of the time, and I was sure it was because he raised me.
I felt horrible. In every aspect, I felt exhausted and gross. I felt like I needed a shower, or to sleep for three days straight. I needed a coffee, or some tea. I needed a lot of things. A hug would be nice, too. Yeah, a big long hug. Someone to hold me tight and not let go. I’d never let someone get that close, though.
I sighed, resting my arms on my knees and my chin on my arms. A few stray tears rolled down my pink cheeks, but for the most part I had calmed down for now. I shuddered with every deep breath. I closed my eyes with a sigh, feeling completely exhausted.
“Megumi?” Satoru tried one last time. Finally, I decided to respond. “Hold on.” I said in a small voice. I slowly struggled to my feet, feeling a little lightheaded as I swayed. I picked up the razor with shaking hands and buried it in a drawer, grabbing a towel from the cabinet and attempting to clean up the blood. It would need more than just a towel, it was dried now, but that would have to work for now.
“Megumi, it’s okay, just open the door.” Satoru was still trying. “Give me a second.” I muttered, running my arms under the sink as I wet the towel. The water ran red for a moment but when it stopped, there was still dried blood spotting my arms and half-healed cuts that I winced at. I tried scrubbing the floor again and more of it came off, but there was a stain that would need real cleaner to come out. I gave up with a sigh, looking at my stained pants and sliced arms.
Nervously, I reached for the door and unlocked it. Satoru was waiting on the other side anxiously. It looked like he let out the breath he had been holding when he saw me standing there, not dead. I felt his heavy eyes trailing over me, my red and puffy face, stained shirt and pants, then my arms. Even though his gaze lingered for only a moment, I turned my arms away and cast my gaze to the floor.
“Gumi,” He said slowly and a pit formed in my stomach. I didn't want him to talk to me like that. I didn't need his comfort, or his sympathy. I felt like throwing up. This was a horrible idea, I should've stayed in the bathroom until he left.
I shook my head slightly, head angled down, and pushed past him. I flicked the bathroom light off as I left, trying to disappear into my room, but he followed. “Megumi, it’s okay.” He started. I ignored him, heading to my closet. “What’s wrong, though? What happened?” Satoru tried gauging the situation, my least favorite part of this every time. I threw a dark hoodie over myself and turned to face him, the pit worsening. “Nothing, it’s fine.” It was futile, I knew. Clearly it wasn't fine, no one would fall for that given the circumstances, especially not Satoru Gojo. “Come on, kid, really?” Satoru hummed, peering at me over his sunglasses.
I rolled my eyes and passed him, falling onto my bed. I hid myself under the blanket. “You can't hide, you know that.” Satoru mused and sat on the edge of my bed. I just groaned incoherently. “What happened? Who do I need to beat up?” Satoru offered, like he did every time. I almost told him ‘me, beat me up, leave me to die’ but I almost did that every time, and never actually went through with it. I didn't want him to worry about me that much.
“No one.” I muttered from under the blanket. “Well, come on, tell me what happened. What’s wrong?” He paused, wanting to say more but thinking carefully. “You weren't supposed to be home today.” I cut him off because I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say. “I finished the job early.” He hesitated again, thinking hard. “I bought you some stuff on my way home.” He said slowly and I knew what he was thinking again.
Maybe if he had been faster. Or maybe if he didn't stop at the store. Maybe he could have stopped this from happening. Maybe if he had teleported instead. There were a lot of things he could have done to get home faster and possibly stopped me from relapsing. I didn't blame him. Of course I didn't blame him, I would never put all of that on Satoru. But he felt guilty. I just knew it.
“Like what?” I asked quickly, still facing the wall instead of him. He hesitated. “Manga, and a new sketchbook, and…” Hesitated again. What was he so worried about? It was pissing me off. I rolled over and pulled the blanket down just enough to expose my eyes, just so I could glare at him.
“What’s wrong?” I snorted, narrowing my eyes. He looked surprised by the question. “What do you mean?” He arched an eyebrow. “Why are you nervous? Or worried, or whatever.” I rolled my eyes. He thought for a moment before speaking. “I'm not.” He said simply. “Yeah, me too, then.” I scoffed. “Don't turn this around now! This is about you! So, what’s wrong?” Satoru pulled his sunglasses off to look at me, though I pulled the blanket up again. “I'm fine now.” I muttered. This was going nowhere. We both knew that.
“Fine. I'll tell you.” Satoru finally sighed. I pulled the blanket down, intrigued. “I came home early today because it’s an anniversary, or something, I guess. I bought you some stuff and we were gonna go get dinner and then I was gonna make you a cake.” He sighed, glasses pushed up again. I furrowed my eyebrows, this wasn't a special day, I thought. “Why? It’s not my birthday.” I huffed, thinking hard. The only thing I could think of that could be an ‘anniversary’ was… Oh. Satoru must have noticed it click in my head. “It’s been a month since you promised to stop, and I was gonna… I dunno.” He suddenly grew sheepish.
I almost started crying again. I really thought he’d forgotten, or at least wouldn't make such a big deal out of one month. I really was stupid.
“I'm… sorry.” I said after a moment. “No, don't be, it’s okay!” Satoru said quickly. “We can still do all that stuff, I still want soba and cake.” He shrugged with a half-assed smile. “But really, it’s okay, kid.” He grew serious again and I almost hated it.
I hid under the blanket again, trying to force away tears. I really fucked up this time. I was clean for a month, and he remembered. And he was going to celebrate the milestone that I thought was insignificant. Then I ruined it. He had everything planned too, I guessed it was going to be a surprise. It really did sound fun, but I honestly just wanted to lay in bed and die right now. I felt like if I went out and did things with him that I would bring down the mood. I was a horrible person.
I rolled back over, facing the wall again, and tears welled in my eyes. I couldn't hold them back this time, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I told myself I didn't want to cry in front of Satoru right now. All I could do was cover my mouth and breathe slowly.
“Gumi,” Satoru started slowly when my breathing hitched. “Hey, it’s okay, really. I'm not upset at you for this. And we don't even have to go out if you don't want to. I can order the soba here.” Satoru offered. I wanted to tell him to piss off and let me cry in peace, but I couldn't say anything. He was doing his best and I knew that, I didn't want to upset him.
No matter how hard I tried to force away the thought, I wanted a hug. I really did just need someone to hold me for a long time. But I’d be damned if I ran to Satoru for that. So I sucked it up and covered my face with my hands.
After a moment, I caught my breath and rolled back over. I peeked over the blanket at Satoru, who offered a small sympathetic smile that almost broke me again. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into his lap like a small child again and be comforted, but I was fifteen now and he wasn't my dad. I warred with myself, really struggling with the idea of comfort.
“Do you want some tea?” Satoru offered and I blinked. I nodded slowly and hummed, accepting tea was much easier than accepting physical comfort. “Will you tell me what’s wrong then?” Satoru asked as he stood up. “Maybe.” I groaned and he chuckled slightly as he left.
And then I was left alone in my dark room, tear and blood stained, disgusted with myself. I slowly got up and changed into different sweatpants, taking the shirt off from under the hoodie. I felt a little cleaner, but my arms still made me want to throw up, even if they were covered by the sleeves. I was too tired to do anything about it, though, so I climbed back into bed and buried myself in the blanket again.
Satoru took a little bit longer so I was left with my thoughts. I glanced toward the window, the light peeking around the edges of the curtain was dimming. I rolled over to check the time and noticed an unnecessary amount of unread messages from my friends and Satoru. Mostly in the group chat, but some private messages from Yuuji and Nobara. I glanced them over, they were making plans for tomorrow. I scrolled up a little to read through the plans and told them not to count on me showing, I was probably going to sleep all day tomorrow.
Satoru returned with tea and a first aid kit, the pit in my stomach reopened. I didn't want him to touch my arms, I didn't want him to see the cuts. “I brought your tea.” He put everything down on my nightstand and I sat up slowly, still nervously looking at the first aid kit. I grabbed the tea anyway, it was still steaming. Satoru sat on my bed again.
“Yuuji texted me.” He said after a moment and I paused. “What for?” I huffed. “He wanted me to check on you because you weren't answering your phone. That was like two hours ago,” He huffed. “I already texted him back, it’s fine.” I took another drink. “How long were you in the bathroom?” Satoru asked quietly. “I dunno, I didn't have my phone with me.” I shrugged. Satoru looked like he wanted to say more but just reached for the first aid kit instead.
We stared at each other for a moment, not moving. “Well are you gonna give me your arm?” Satoru asked finally. I shook my head slowly, there was no way. “Absolutely not.” I scoffed. “Come on, Megumi, I have to take care of you.” Satoru’s face dropped. “Tough shit.” I snorted and took another drink. “Megumi.” He groaned. “I'll do it.” I reached for the first aid kit. “You can't wrap your arm with one hand.” He pulled it away from me. “Sucks then.” I shrugged. “Megumi, come on. Just let me help.” He pouted slightly. “It’s fine.” I huffed and waved him away. “Do you want me to call Shoko?” Satoru cocked his head. “Absolutely not. She doesn't need to know.” I grumbled. “Alright, then I'm your next best bet. Give me your arm.” Satoru held out his hand as if I was supposed to put my arm in his palm. “I'm fine. It’s fine.” I growled and set my tea down, slipping further onto my bed to hide again. “Megumi, I'm your legal guardian, I need to take care of you!” Satoru complained. “No you don't. And I don't think you're my legal guardian, just some guy my dad left me with.” I snorted. “Close enough! Come on! You need to clean it or it'll get infected!” Satoru was full on pouting now because he knew eventually I would let him, just to shut him up. “No it won’t. Piss off.” I mumbled, pulling the blanket over my head.
We went back and forth for a while, Satoru growing more and more annoying by design. “Fine!” I snapped and sat up. “Great!” Satoru smiled and reached for the kit. I instantly regretted it, hand hovering over the sleeve of my hoodie. “It won’t hurt too bad.” Satoru dug around in the kit for the rubbing alcohol. “Actually…” I started to take it back, not because of the pain but because I didn't want him to see it. “Just look at me. You'll be fine, promise.” Satoru grabbed my arm gently. I shuddered slightly and turned my gaze up to Satoru as he pulled back the sleeve.
Luckily, his expression didn't change one bit; not even to disgust or disappointment like I’d expected. He started rambling, and on rare occasions like these, I was grateful for it; he knew that. “I don't even know why the higher ups sent me out on this mission. It was really easy. I bet you could have got it done as quick as I did. Well, maybe not as quick as me, but still. It was this greasy high school curse user, right? Used the grossest cursed spirits I've ever seen. All slimy and greasy. It was nasty. Anyway, the kid only started using cursed spirits because he was being bullied. Story we’ve heard countless times, right? But he didn't use the curses to hurt his bullies, he used them to console himself. And that was cool, I guess, because he wasn't hurting anyone. But the curses ended up going on a rampage either way, because they're cursed spirits, and he tried to stop them, right? But he ended up getting himself and a bunch of other people hurt. No one died, surprisingly. It was weird though because he kept talking about this guy that made him do it. Never heard of anyone like the guy he was describing, so I just assumed he was full of shit. But I never saw the guy, so I'll either be sent out to find him when he goes after another kid, or the kid was full of shit. I dunno, though. Anyway, there you go.” Satoru finished his story and I looked back down at my arm, I hadn't been paying attention.
I looked at it, puzzled. How had I not noticed? Not even the rubbing alcohol, or the bandages. I shrugged it off. “Now, what about your other arm?” Satoru hummed as I pulled my sleeve down again. “It’s fine.” I huffed and grabbed my tea. “You know you can't lie to me.” Satoru snorted and I sighed. “Fine.” I rolled my eyes and held out my arm.
This time, I spoke instead of Satoru. “Y’know, I didn't think you would remember the one month thing. I didn't actually think anything of it, because one month isn't that big a milestone.” I shrugged slightly. His eyes flicked up to me, eyebrows scrunched. “Sure it is. One month is like four weeks, that’s like thirty days. That’s a lot of time.” He snorted. “Yeah, sure. But I didn't think much of it. Until I thought about how I broke my promise. And I didn't want you to find out because I was doing so good and I didn't want you to be upset.” I stared at my blanket, not daring to look at him. “Why would I be upset with you? I know you're doing your best, kid, and that’s amazing. Seeing how far you've come, it’s really cool.” Satoru’s gaze bounced between me and my arm he was working on. “This is just a little relapse, but I know you're still trying your hardest. Even if you don't think you are. I'm not gonna get mad at you for something like this, I would never.” He assured me.
“Bullshit. You get upset over the tiniest things, like if I eat your candy.” I snorted. “That’s not the same. Eating my candy is a global offense, breaking a promise isn't shit compared to that.” Satoru huffed. “You're a child.” I sneered. “I'm old enough to be your dad.” Satoru rolled his eyes. “No you're not! You're twenty eight!” I exclaimed. “I don't think twelve year olds are out there becoming dads. Actually, I wouldn't put it past you.” I teased. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Satoru glared up at me. “You know what it means, manwhore.” I scoffed. “Rude!” Satoru whined. “But it’s true.” I huffed. “Sure, you keep believing that.” Satoru finished wrapping up my arm, putting away the first aid kit.
“So are we having soba in or out tonight?” He turned to me. “In. I'm not going out with my arms bandaged like this.” I snorted and grabbed my tea. “Okay, I'll order it in a second.” Satoru hummed and left.
I grabbed my phone again and occupied myself with texting everyone back, or at least Yuuji. He was worried about me because even though I usually took awhile to respond, I rarely ignored him for as long as I did; roughly four hours, almost five. I texted Nobara back too, just to let her know I was alive, not like she cared. I didn't bother with the groupchat, they all stopped texting there hours ago and I wasn't about to get them started again. I did text Satoru back, though, just to tell him I needed more tea.
I got up to get my own tea, though. But when I walked into the kitchen, Satoru was already starting the kettle. “I was kidding, you know.” I hummed and Satoru turned to face me, somehow I had managed to surprise him. “Well, I figured I might as well.” He shrugged.
“Anyway, I'm leaving to go get the soba. Be good while I'm gone.” He cooed as I left. “I'm not a baby. I'll kill myself if I want to.” I snorted, chuckling to myself at the horror that crossed his face. “Megumi! Don't say that!” He gasped and I just laughed. “Not funny!” He scolded. “Sure it is.” I smiled. “Then you're coming with me. Can't trust you alone.” He folded his arms over his chest. “Mm, no.” I laughed and went to the stove, impatiently waiting on the kettle. Satoru glared at me slightly.
“I won’t kill myself while you're gone. Promise.” I sighed, holding up my pinky. “Sure. I'm holding your manga hostage until I get back. Give you something to look forward to.” He snatched the bag from the counter. “Not fair! Give it!” I lunged after it. “Nope. Now you gotta wait. Or you can come with me?” He offered, holding the bag over my head. “Fine, take it.” I huffed and waved him away. “I'll be back. You better be here.” Satoru pointed before leaving. “I'm gonna eat your candy!” I shouted after him. “I'll burn your books!” He shouted back and closed the door.
I sighed and turned back to the stove as the kettle whistled. I made myself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table, scrolling through Twitter for a while. Yuuji texted me excitedly, glad I was okay. We texted for a while, him telling me about the manga he was reading; that I recommended. Eventually I told him to stop texting me and go read the actual manga, because our conversation had devolved into him asking for spoilers and me refusing.
Of course Satoru texted me. That wasn't really surprising, he texted me all the time about every little thing he found interesting. But especially now that I’d jokingly told him I was going to off myself while he was gone, he wanted to make sure I wasn't following through with that. I thought about ignoring his texts for a moment, but then decided that was the worst thing I could do, even if it was meant to be a joke; I didn't want to actually worry him. So I texted him back, confirming I was alive and not bleeding out on the bathroom floor.
Once he was sure I was okay, he started talking about this cat that he saw. He asked if I wanted it, for some reason, and I told him no. I tried to scroll through Twitter but he was relentless, asking if I wanted anything while he was at the sweet shop.
Eventually he teleported home, carrying an unnecessary amount of bags. “I'm back!” He called, as if I didn't see him. “Can I have my manga now? I almost pirated it.” I sneered and stood. “Megumi, that’s illegal!” He gasped dramatically. “Sucks to suck. Give.” I grabbed the bag and looked through the volumes he had bought. “Did you touch my candy?” He asked, leaving the bags on the counter and heading to his room. “No.” I rolled my eyes and carried the manga to my own room.
I put away the manga and by the time I was done, Satoru had all the sweets stored away and our dinner laid out neatly on the table. He hadn't bothered to wait for me to start eating, noodles hanging from his mouth when he turned to face me. I huffed a curt laugh and shook my head, sitting at the table with him.
Again, he brought up the cat. “Are you sure you don't want a cat?” Satoru asked around a mouthful of food. “Yeah, I've already got all these shikigami. I can have a dog, bird, frog, or elephant whenever I want. And they're easier to take care of than a real pet.” I nodded. Satoru hummed and thought for a moment.
“Do you want to watch a movie tonight?” He cocked his head slightly. “Maybe. What movie?” I huffed. I was going to watch the movie anyway, no matter what movie it was, because I owed it to Satoru. I owed him the peace of mind, and I owed him a nice night for the worry I put him through today. “I dunno. You up for a scary one?” He shrugged. “I don't care.” I shrugged too, I really expected him to have a movie in mind.
We finished eating, or more like I ate half a bowl of soba and got full, Satoru ate all of his and wanted cake. He settled for some of the sweets he bought instead, neither of us up for baking a cake. I cleaned up the little mess in the kitchen, Satoru brought blankets and pillows into the living room and found a movie. He also brought a bunch of snacks, mostly sweet pastries and candies.
I fell onto the smaller couch and pulled the blanket over me as Satoru turned off the lights and closed the curtains. He started the movie and sat on the couch, already snacking on the cookies he bought. I watched most of the movie, not getting scared much and fighting sleep the whole time. I must have dozed off a few times because whenever I opened my eyes, the movie was at different points further along.
Satoru pov
I’d noticed Megumi nodding off throughout the movie but didn't bother saying anything. I’d carried him from the couch to his bed countless times, he always did this. He would never leave halfway through a movie because he was too tired. The only reason I’d offered to watch a movie was so I could keep an eye on him, because, yes, he had scared me today.
I didn't scare easily, unless it was my kid. And today, I was terrified. There were so many things I wanted to do, like talk to him and spend more time with him, to make sure he knew I was still here for him even though he was a teenager now. And I thought his toddler years were bad. I’d give anything to go back to him throwing temper tantrums if it meant he didn't hurt himself.
I cast a glance over at him. The blanket rose and fell with his breathing. The only thing visible from this angle was his mess of raven hair. I sighed slightly, wondering just how much pain this kid was suffering through silently.
Why hadn't I noticed? I had the stupid Six Eyes, so why didn't I know he was hurting? Had I been that neglectful? Fuck, I'm an idiot sometimes. But all I could do now was try my hardest to give him what he needed.
So when the movie ended and he was still asleep, I carried him to his bed. “Come on, kid, bedtime.” I muttered, lifting him gently from the couch. His face twitched and he frowned, he never did care much for being carried. “You're getting too big for this.” I grunted as I walked down the hall. Megumi muttered something when I kicked open his door, moving his hand to his chest. “Oh yeah?” I snorted and laid him on the bed carefully, pulling the blanket over his shoulder. His face twisted again and he pulled the blanket over his face. “Goodnight, Gumi.” I mumbled and left, closing his door silently.
I didn't get much sleep, my mind was too loud. But I never really did get a lot of sleep. Maybe because my blood was pure sugar. That was a nicer idea than my mind being consumed by trauma and stress.