Archive of Our Own

Unknown number: Hey Jaehyun

Unknown number: It’s been a while

Unknown number: How are you?

Jaehyun squinted at his phone as it kept flashing and buzzing beside his computer out of nowhere at nearly one in the morning. First of all, Jaehyun barely talked to anyone, certainly not strangers. Second of all, Jaehyun should be in bed. He had an eight am conference call, but he needed to finish this contract before then and it wasn’t coming together as smoothly as he thought it would when he finally started writing it at six that night. Jaehyun was starting his first vacation from the firm in just a couple of days, and they seemed to be taking it personally from the amount of extra work they had piled on top of him.

Jaehyun could take it. He needed to keep his head down and plug away. Just a couple of days left. 48 hours. Then he’d be able to really get away for the first time in a long time, celebrate with Johnny’s wedding. Hang out with their old friends for the first time in a very long time.

It was supposed to be a good time.

Jaehyun wasn’t sure how much he was looking forward to it but it had to be better than dealing with these contracts.

Jaehyun huffed out an annoyed breath and focused back on his MacBook.

His phone flashed and buzzed again. Jaehyun couldn’t help looking at the screen. All the messages were in English.

Unknown Number: I remember how you used to stay up late because you couldn’t sleep

Jaehyun blinked. He grabbed his phone, examining the messages again.

Who was this?

He swallowed, pausing a moment. His heart raced strangely as he replied.

Jaehyun: Who is this?

Unknown number: See? Knew it

Unknown number: Some things never change

Jaehyun bristled a little bit at that. He had no idea why he was feeling defensive. It wasn’t like what they said wasn’t true.

But who would know that? Who would remember that?

It’d been a long time since he’d been around someone long enough for them to notice his sleeping habits.

Jaehyun reminded himself to be logical. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

Jaehyun: That’s not why I’m awake

Jaehyun: I’m working

Unknown number: always a great distraction

Jaehyun sniffed and grabbed his coffee thermos. The coffee was cold, despite the fact it was using the fancy tumbler Johnny and Charli had gotten him for Christmas last year. It was supposed to keep the coffee warm for like 24 hours. Maybe he’d been drinking his latest cup out of a different one? Jaehyun ran a hand over his face.

He really was losing his mind.

This guessing game over text message wasn’t helping.

Jaehyun: Not a distraction. My job.

Jaehyun: Who is this?

Jaehyun: I don’t appreciate people wasting my time

Unknown number: Oh so you have grown up

Unknown number: You’re not our baby anymore

Unknown number: guess

Jaehyun huffed. He should stop replying. He should block this random number. He didn’t have time for this. He needed to finish this contract so he could get a little sleep before returning to the office. Maybe he should sleep there tomorrow night. Then he could work until the last minute and go straight to the airport.

He told Johnny he’d leave everything behind.

It was a hard promise to keep.

Unknown number: Come on guess! I know you hate to lose.

Jaehyun set his jaw. Blocking the number would be the right thing. The smart thing.

But Jaehyun did hate to lose.

Jaehyun: What do I get if I guess right?

Unknown number: The truth. I’ll give you a couple tries.

Jaehyun took a deep breath. He knew this was probably wrong but oftentimes the most obvious choice was the right choice.

Jaehyun: Johnny?

Unknown number: I’m insulted

Jaehyun groaned. Johnny did like to mess with Jaehyun when he was traveling for work, using the random phone numbers Johnny gained through sim cards, but Johnny wouldn’t keep Jaehyun up late when he knew he had a deadline. Plus, Charli had made Johnny promise not to travel in the month leading up to their wedding. So, it was a dumb guess. Jaehyun rubbed his hands over his eyes once again.

He was so tired.

Unknown number: One more guess

Jaehyun couldn’t concentrate. This could be anyone but at the same time, who would know about the sleeping thing? Only Johnny, right?

Jaehyun felt like he was losing at everything lately. Well, here was one more thing.

Jaehyun: I give up

Unknown Number: wow, I thought you’d put up more of a fight

Unknown Number: I’m disappointed

Unknown Number: I like it when you play to win

Unknown Number: Like soccer

Unknown Number: I gave you the biggest hint of all

Unknown Number: Do you remember now?

Jaehyun stared at his phone as a memory came rushing back to him.

One he’d worked hard to push to the back of his mind.

High school. Jaehyun sat down on the bench right in front of his locker, the whole locker room noisy and filled with the scent of grass and dirt and sweaty teenage boys. Jaehyun rolled off his soccer cleat and threw it against his locker. The clang was so loud that most of the chatter stopped, and he felt half the room turn to stare at him.

“Jay, we won,” someone said as Jaehyun stared at his cleat on the floor, a hunk of dirt lying beside it, dislodged from the impact of the throw against the wall.

“He missed his last penalty shot,” someone else whispered. Jaehyun obviously wasn’t supposed to hear, but he bristled all the same. He took a slow breath through his nose and clenched his teeth as he stared at the dirt.

Someone clapped a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder. He should have jumped, but he didn’t. Instead, he sat there, still, holding his breath as the person gave his shoulder a squeeze. He felt them slowly but firmly caress his shoulder with their thumb.

He finally looked up.

“Jaehyun never lets up,” their captain said. A senior just like Johnny. And like Johnny, Jaehyun didn’t tease him too much. He gave him space when he needed. He took him seriously.

He seemed to understand Jaehyun.

“He always plays to win, even if we already won,” he said. “I love that about Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun felt a sense of relief for the first time since the missed penalty shot. He looked up and smiled.

Yuta smiled back at him.

Maybe that was the moment that Jaehyun knew.

But Jaehyun hadn’t spoken to Yuta since he graduated from their high school. Since the incident that ruined everything.

At first, Jaehyun didn’t understand but he came to believe that it was better that way.

It was best for him to stay away from all of them.

Now, Jaehyun stared at his phone. The sky outside the large picture windows of his condo should have been pitch black, but they were lit up by the neon lights of Seoul.

Jaehyun: Yuta?

Unknown number: took you long enough

Unknown number: I really didn’t think you’d forget

Unknown number: But I guess you have

Unknown number: It’s been a long time

Unknown number: I turn 30 in a few weeks…

Unknown number: I’m single

Unknown number: I still think about what you wrote

Unknown number: I’m going to Johnny’s wedding

Jaehyun didn’t think he was breathing. He certainly wasn’t thinking. But his fingers worked anyway, typing under their own volition.

Jaehyun: I’m single, too

*

Jaehyun didn’t tell Johnny.

Jaehyun wanted to wait until he saw him in person. O’Hare was about thirty minutes away from Johnny’s apartment in downtown Chicago. That would give Jaehyun plenty of time to tell him the whole story.

Plus, he simply didn’t have time. The past couple of days at the office were a blur. He got on the direct flight from Seoul to Chicago while taking a client call and writing a final email at the same time.

Once he was done, he passed out on the plane for the entire 15-hour flight. It was the first time he’d slept in days.

Jaehyun wiped the dried drool off the side of his mouth when he caught his reflection in the camera at border control after speaking the agent. He stifled a yawn, dragging his suitcase behind him after he lugged it off the baggage claim carousel. He’d tell Johnny the weirdness with Yuta that night, hopefully grab some pizza and then pass out on Johnny’s couch per usual.

Jaehyun wasn’t expecting the horde of people waiting with Johnny as he walked out of the international baggage claim.

“Surprise!” they all yelled.

Jaehyun immediately glanced up at Johnny’s sheepish face.

Oh, he was going to murder his best friend later.

“Hi,” Jaehyun said, weakly, walking over to all of them. He didn’t have any choice.

“Jay, oh my God!” Charli said, hurrying over to be the first one to give him a hug, her long blonde hair bouncing behind her. “It’s been so long!”

As usual, Charli felt small and short in Jaehyun’s arms. Jaehyun had no idea how she must feel to Johnny. Sometimes it looked like he had to bend practically in half to hold her. But she was definitely Johnny’s type. Johnny liked to date short, very pretty, outgoing women and tall, broad men. Jaehyun once asked Johnny why his types were so different, and Johnny just shrugged. Is attraction explainable? He’d said, in the annoying tone he used when he was trying to seem smart.

Was attraction explainable?

That might explain why Jaehyun didn’t know his type.

“Jaehyun hyung!” Jungwoo said, the next person to give Jaehyun a hug. It wasn’t surprising. Jungwoo was like a puppy. He’d been clingy with Jaehyun ever since Jungwoo first met him a few years ago when he and Johnny had visited Mark in college. Jungwoo was Mark’s roommate and they’d been roommates ever since.

Mark hugged Jaehyun next. Mark was Johnny’s little cousin who used to hang out with them when Jaehyun spent most of his summers and holidays at the Suhs before he moved back to Seoul to go to law school.

Jaemin, Mark’s boyfriend, didn’t try to hug him but waved, politely. They had only met once, during Johnny and Charli’s engagement party last year. Jaehyun was glad Mark was still dating him. He seemed like a good guy.

There was one person in the group at Jaehyun that didn’t know. He knew of her, but they’d never met in person before.

“Jay,” Charli said, introducing him by the American name he used when he was in the states. “I want you to meet someone.” She tugged a pretty, dark-haired woman forward. She was taller than Charli, but it was pretty hard not to be taller than Charli. “This is Tatiana. She’s my maid of honor. You two are going to be spending a lot of time together!”

“Oooooo!” Jungwoo teased. Jaehyun tried not to roll his eyes because he didn’t want Tatiana to take it the wrong way. He shook her hand and bowed his head politely.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Jaehyun said. “So nice to finally meet you in person.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you, too,” Tatiana said, softly. She did have intriguing brown eyes that also looked a little shy.

“Yeah!” Mark spoke up. “Dude, while we were waiting for you, we told her that story about how you ran up the bleachers and—”

“You told that story, Mark!” Johnny interrupted, loudly. “And you told it wrong. Don’t worry, all good things, bro.”

Johnny finally reached for Jaehyun, pulling him into a tight hug.

“I’m gonna kill you later,” Jaehyun said, in Korean, whispering in Johnny’s ear with gritted teeth.

“Sorry, I couldn’t talk her out of it,” Johnny whispered back, his Korean clunky as ever but it had always been good enough for them to have secret conversations when they needed too.

“I haven’t showered in 24 hours,” Jaehyun said, still glaring at Johnny as they pulled away.

“You smell good to me,” Jungwoo piped up, also in Korean. Suddenly, he was beside Jaehyun and taking his arm. Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh. Jungwoo always had that affect on him. Jungwoo squeezed his arm and beamed at him.

“Okay, what was that about?” Charli asked, looking between Johnny and Jaehyun.

“Nothing, darling!” Johnny said, bending down to give Charli a quick kiss. “Jaehyun has everything and we’re ready to go. We’re in two cars.”

“Remember that hot pot place you love, Jay?” Charli said. She took Johnny’s hand. Mark was holding Jaemin’s hand. Jungwoo still clung to Jaehyun’s arm. Tatiana walked with the group, looking a bit stiff and out of place. “That’s where we’re going. Something cozy, right?”

Jaehyun nodded, tense himself. Great, a three-hour long dinner when all he wanted to was fall asleep on Johnny’s couch. He wasn’t hungry enough for hot pot, but he’d probably end up stuffing his face anyway. The hot pot place was somewhat addicting.

“I think it’s a set-up,” Jungwoo told him, in Korean. “They didn’t even invite me. I invited myself when I found out Mark and Jaemin were going. That’s rude! How is Johnny hyung not going to treat me to food? Just because it’s a triple date? But they want you to get with the maid of honor. I guess it’s a tradition, hyung!”

Jaehyun tried not to react as Jungwoo squeezed his arm. He had a lot to talk about with Johnny. He guessed he could add the set-up-with-the-maid-of-honor thing to the list.

“Jay!” Charli called as they all made their way to the parking garage. “You know Tatiana is a lawyer too.”

“Oh?” Jaehyun did his best to remain polite, despite the headache building behind his eyes. “What field?”

“Immigration,” Tatiana replied, softly. “What about you?”

“Ah…” Jaehyun nodded. “Corporate…” he trailed off. That was the best way to explain it in English.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to engage in more small talk about the work hell he’d just escaped because they’d made it to the vehicles in the parking garage. Johnny placed Jaehyun’s suitcase in the back hatch of his SUV. Jungwoo let Jaehyun’s arm go and waved as he headed to Mark’s car with Mark and Jaemin.

Jaehyun did remember his manners and opened the back door for Tatiana and smiling at her. He liked that she was quiet. At least for now. Jaehyun didn’t feel much like talking himself.

“Jaehyun, I can’t tell you how happy we are that you’re able to be here for so long,” Charli said, twisting around to face him from the front seat as Johnny pulled out of the parking spot, leading the way out of the airport. “It’s been forever since Johnny has gotten to spend some real time with you. I mean, both of us.”

“Thanks.” Jaehyun nodded. “I’m happy, too.”

Jaehyun first met Johnny when he started boarding school at the Chicago International School in 8^th grade. Johnny’s family was his host family for his first year. All new boarding students had a designated day student as an American host family so they wouldn’t be left alone during holidays and school breaks. Over the course of that first year, Johnny became the older brother that Jaehyun had always wanted. They were close to inseparable. Jaehyun hung out Johnny’s clique, who were the most popular kids in school. They all became Jaehyun’s friends. Everything felt wonderful.

Until it all fell apart during Johnny’s senior year.

It was never quite the same between the two of them after that, but how could it be? Jaehyun was a kid back then. He grew up.

They were distant during Jaehyun’s last two years of high school, but reconnected when Jaehyun joined Johnny at the University of Chicago. Johnny welcomed into his clique like the first time, basically pretending that everything that happened during the last few weeks of Jaehyun’s sophomore year didn’t happen. In some ways, Jaehyun was grateful. He didn’t want to remember, anyway.

Jaehyun moved back to Seoul after he graduated college, continuing his education and his life there. He’d seen Johnny a few times since then, but it wasn’t the same. It couldn’t be.

Another part of growing up.

Frankly, Jaehyun was surprised when Johnny asked him to be his best man. He thought Johnny might choose one of his other many close friends that actually lived in the states, like Taeyong in New York City. But Johnny chose him. Said it wouldn’t be right for him to pick anyone other than his brother.

Jaehyun felt relieved.

He missed Johnny more than he could stand sometimes. It was nice to be with him. To be able to support him on one of the biggest days of his life.

Even if Johnny was apparently trying to set him up.

Even if Johnny hadn’t divulged the full guest list.

“So… there’s a surprise,” Charli said, as Johnny turned onto the highway. Jaehyun watched Charli nudge him up front. “Honey, tell him.”

Jaehyun watched Johnny grimace in the rearview mirror.

“Sorry,” Johnny said. “I should have told you earlier, but it all happened so fast. Turns out that Charli’s family gave us our wedding present early.”

“Jay, it’s wonderful!” Charli turned around again. “They surprised us with a house! Can you believe it? New construction. You know how my parents live just 20 minutes from Johnny’s? Right in their neighborhood. The school districts are amazing. Jay, it’s wonderful. Five bedrooms, six bathrooms… you should see the backyard. There’s a huge deck and a pool! And a hot tub! I know it’s too cold now for the pool because it’s October, but we can use the hot tub. Oh, and a beautiful dining room… a flex space for an office…” Charli giggled, waving a hand. “I’m rambling, but Jay, I’m so in love!”

“Wow,” Jaehyun said, trying his best to follow along. “Johnny… a house?”

Johnny nodded, eyes on the road.

“I thought you wanted to buy a condo in the city?”

“I know, we were talking about that, but this is way better,” Charli said. “I mean, a condo is good for a starter place but Johnny’s 30, I’m 29. We need to start trying for our family right away. Now we’re all set up. I couldn’t believe it. I’m so happy. So instead of staying on the couch in Johnny’s bachelor pad, you will have your own room. And bathroom. Jay, it’s so cute! Tati is staying there, too. We just moved in last weekend, but it’s all set up. We’ve been working around the clock to get things ready!”

Jaehyun blinked, shaking his head. Johnny really should have mentioned this to him. Jaehyun liked Johnny’s apartment. It was where he always stayed when he came back to the states. He had already made plans to visit his favorite coffee shop around the corner and take his five-mile running loop along the Chicago Riverwalk.

“Sorry,” Johnny murmured. “Jaehyun, things have been crazy. But yeah, we got a house and we’re living in the house now. As of… like a week ago.”

“It really is nice,” Tatiana said from beside him. Jaehyun tried to give her a smile.

“I know we said we wouldn’t start living together until after the wedding, but both our parents gave their blessing,” Charli said. “It’s been great!”

“What about your place?” Jaehyun asked Johnny. “Did you break your lease?”

Johnny shook his head. “I’m going to Airbnb it until the end of the lease.”

“It’s going to be great to have some extra income,” Charli said. “We have so much going on!”

She giggled from the front seat. Jaehyun tried to catch Johnny’s eyes in the rear-view mirror so he could read him better, but Johnny kept his eyes straight ahead.

A lot had changed for Johnny since he got engaged. Very quickly.

Meanwhile, Jaehyun was 28 and hadn’t been in a relationship since he was 16.

He thought about the text he sent Yuta.

I’m single, too

He didn’t want to think about the note.

*

After a couple of beers and inhaling the never-ending steam from the bubbling hot pots in front of them, Jaehyun felt himself finally starting to relax after such a long plane ride, such a long couple of days, such a long week, such a long year. He was glad he was able to relax, even though he was sitting in a tight booth between Jungwoo and Tatiana.

Tatiana politely kept her distance while Jungwoo was crammed up under Jaehyun’s armpit the whole time, leaning against him and whispering outrageous stuff to him in Korean that kept making him laugh and choke on his beer.

Jaehyun didn’t have anyone to cuddle at home. Although he wasn’t normally into skinship, he didn’t mind that Jungwoo was and whenever he was around Jungwoo, Jaehyun was reminded that it was nice to be close to someone. Johnny and Mark really weren’t into skinship like that. Jaehyun hadn’t learned the true meaning of it until Jungwoo came into their lives, always draped around one of them.

“Share with the class,” Charli said, narrowing her eyes at Jaehyun and Jungwoo as Jaehyun snorted again.

“I said that waiter over there has a really nice ass,” Jungwoo said, pointing. Jaehyun swatted his hand down.

“I’m sorry I asked,” Charli said, rolling her eyes.

“You should never ask,” Johnny said.

“Actually, you should appreciate my observations about life,” Jungwoo said, with a pout.

“Oh!” Tatiana exclaimed. Jaehyun turned his head, seeing one of her chopsticks in the broth. “I’m so bad at this.”

“We can ask for a fork,” Jaehyun said.

“Noooooo,” Charli chided him. “Show her how to use them properly.”

“Dude, remember… Charli,” Mark said, leaning towards her from the other side of the booth. It seemed like they had more room over there. “Johnny got you those training chopsticks for Christmas.”

“Now we can give them to our kid!” Charli said, beaming. Johnny looked pale as he dropped some raw beef into his broth.

“It helps if you think about holding a pencil!” Mark said, demonstrating for Tatiana from across the table.

Jaehyun fished Tatiana’s chopstick from her hot pot.

“Uh…” He’d never had to teach anyone how to use chopsticks before. Everyone he hung out with just knew. “Maybe…”

“This is a good way to start,” Jaemin said, holding one of his hands out. He demonstrated sliding the chopsticks between his fingers and thumb.

Jaehyun glanced back at Tatiana. Her face was going red.

“It’s easier to use a fork,” Jungwoo said, stuffing noodles in his mouth with his chopsticks.

“I’m… yeah—” Jaehyun raised his hand, calling the waiter over.

“But this is good, right?” Charli said, watching her friend as she gestured at the food.

“Um…” Tatiana looked even redder. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”

She was on the end of the booth, so it was easy for her to escape. Charli swatted Johnny’s arm and climbed over him to get out of the booth, following her friend.

“Why am I being punished!” Johnny exclaimed, grabbing his beer.

“You’re not doing well on the set up,” Jungwoo said, his mouth full.

“This was her idea, not mine.”

“Dude, this is a set up?” Mark’s eyes went wide. “With who?” Jaemin laughed beside him.

“What else am I supposed to do?” Johnny fixed Jaehyun with a glare. Jaehyun held up one hand.

“I’m tired,” Jaehyun said.

“Jaehyun, do you even like women?” Jungwoo asked, glancing up at him. Jaehyun nearly choked on air. Across the table, Mark laughed, and Johnny snorted.

“Of course he does,” Mark said.

“I’ve never seen him with a woman.” Jungwoo shrugged. “That’s why I asked.”

“Jaehyun doesn’t date,” Johnny said.

“So, why does Charli think she can set him up?” Jungwoo dumped a new batch of noodles in his broth and stirred them. “Hyung, you never answered the question.”

“Of course I do,” Jaehyun said, echoing Mark, dumbly as he stared into his broth.

“Why is everyone acting like this is a bad question?” Jungwoo said, frowning. “I’m gay. Mark’s gay. Johnny’s bi. Why is it bad to ask?”

“You’ve never seen Jaehyun with a guy, either!” Mark said. “It’s not bad, it’s just, like, random.”

Jaehyun lifted his gaze from his food and met Johnny’s eyes.

He really needed to talk to him.

*

Johnny turned onto an unfamiliar, dark, tree lined street. Johnny drove slowly, like even the rumble of the SUV engine would make too much noise. This block had the vibe of people who went to bed at nine-o-clock. People who would spy on you through your own windows and report you if you accidentally put one glass bottle in the regular garbage can.

Jaehyun knew it wasn’t Johnny’s scene at all. There were no sirens. No drunken people that you could hear from the balcony. No lights. No energy.

No fun.

The suburbs.

Jaehyun thought the suburbs were nice when they wanted to visit Mrs. Suh and have dinner.

Not for the rest of their lives. Jaehyun knew he wasn’t 30 yet but it wasn’t that old, right?

Was this what Johnny really wanted?

“We’re here!” Charli exclaimed as Johnny drove down a freshly paved driveway. Jaehyun opened the door and took a deep breath. Even the air smelled brand new. Jaehyun glanced at a half-finished house across the dark street.

“It’s gorgeous, right!” Charli said.

Jaehyun bent over, trying to hide his yawn. He wanted to pass out but he was wired at the same time. He’d been in the US for, like, four hours and he still hadn’t gotten a moment alone with Johnny.

Instead, Tatiana was right behind him.

It had been a bit awkward since the chopsticks incident and Jaehyun felt bad about it. He smiled at Tatiana and gestured towards the house. “Have you been… in there yet?”

Tatiana smiled. Or maybe it was more like a grimace. “I’ve been here two days,” she said, a fact that Jaehyun had probably already heard more than once. He nodded and ran a hand over his face.

He needed Johnny to save him.

“You’re not going to get your suitcase?” Johnny called from the back of the SUV.

“You’re the worst Uber driver ever,” Jaehyun said. “You’re not getting a tip.”

Charli laughed loudly out of nowhere. “Jay’s so funny!” she declared, staring Tatiana down.

Jaehyun really wanted to go to bed.

“Let me give you the house tour,” Johnny said, carrying Jaehyun’s backpack and wheeling his suitcase. Jaehyun hurried after him, grateful for the chance to just be with Johnny.

“Whoa,” Jaehyun said, stepping through the front door. The whole place smelled like vanilla and cinnamon. He stared up at the high, vaulted ceiling. The floors were hardwood and shiny. Everything looked new, new, new, high end and bright. The place was huge. They both kicked off their shoes. Johnny showed him the shoe rack by the door.

“Does my voice echo?” Jaehyun said, turning to Johnny, his eyebrows raised. “How many kids are you planning to have? 70?”

He glanced at Johnny, expecting him to laugh but Johnny only looked stricken.

Jaehyun immediately sobered up. “What’s going on?” he asked, lowering his voice.

Johnny shook his head. “Kitchen over there,” he said, pointing. “I’ll show you the rest later. Come on.”

He started hauling Jaehyun’s suitcase up the stairs. Jaehyun followed, his heart beating a bit faster as he held onto the railing. He was having trouble keeping up with Johnny who was taking the stairs two at a time.

Johnny led him to a large room just to the right of the stairs. It was decorated with pale yellow walls and a cream bedspread with yellow flowers.

“Charli calls this the sunshine room,” Johnny said. “It’s yours.”

Jaehyun stepped in the room and gently pushed the door closed.

“What’s going on?” Jaehyun asked again, his voice insistent this time. “Where did all this come from? Is she pregnant?”

“No, no, no,” Johnny muttered. He set Jaehyun’s suitcase and backpack down near the closet and then sat on the edge of the bed. Jaehyun quickly sat beside him, looking up at Johnny.

“You didn’t tell me about any of this,” Jaehyun said, in a low voice. “The house….”

“Yeah.” Johnny took a deep breath. Jaehyun leaned his head against Johnny’s shoulder. “It honestly happened in a whirlwind. One morning, Charli’s parents said we bought you a house. Next thing I know, we’re moving.”

“Do you want to live here?”

Johnny shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. It’s done.”

“But what about living in the city?” Jaehyun pressed. “What about… you know, everything you loved about it? You weren’t ready to leave. And… kids. I thought that you said like… you and Charli wanted to travel? Have a couple years to yourselves after marriage?”

Johnny flopped back on the bed. Jaehyun followed him, curling up on his side.

“Jaehyun…” Johnny said, slowly. “Marriage is not easy.”

“You’re not even married yet,” Jaehyun said. Johnny chuckled a little.

“The last few weeks have been like a runaway freight train,” Johnny admitted. “I can’t even keep up. I said, I’ll wait until he gets here. I’ll tell him when he gets here.”

Jaehyun felt his heart rate kick up.

He took a deep breath, then turned to look at his best friend, his older brother. “So… is that why you didn’t tell me you invited Yuta?”

Johnny rolled over, immediately, meeting Jaehyun’s eyes.

“It’s one of the things that happened like a freight train,” Johnny said. “He RSVP’d a week ago. Like way after the deadline. That’s one of the many things I’m in the doghouse about.”

“But you didn’t tell me you invited him,” Jaehyun repeated.

“It was a long shot, Jae!” Johnny said, widening his eyes. “He’s so busy. He’s always traveling. I never know what his schedule is like. I invited the whole gang… you knew that. You sort of knew that. Taeyong’s in the wedding, too. I mean… yeah. How could I not invite him?”

“Johnny…” Jaehyun raised his eyebrows.

Johnny sighed a little. “I know it’s awkward for you. But, Jaehyun, all that shit with Yuta happened—what?— 12 years ago? I know… I know it really sucked how everything went down. But we were all young. Things are different now. We’re actual adults. All the rumors and the nasty, vindictive nature of teenagers is over now. Right?”

Jaehyun knew he should agree. Johnny was right. It was a long time ago. Jaehyun was 28 years old. He was a lawyer. He owned his own condo. He was an adult.

It shouldn’t matter anymore.

But when he opened his mouth, when he thought about the note, when he thought about what happened, his heart started racing.

He could hear ringing in his ears.

He could still hear the voices laughing at him, mocking him.

Telling him that he a terrible person. A cheater.

Telling him that his existence, his attraction, was wrong.

He could still feel how lonely and confused he felt.

And even though he felt so grown up back then while he was dating a senior, he now knew that 16 was very, very young.

It had been a while since Jaehyun had seen Johnny in person. Maybe they weren’t as close as they’d once been. But Jaehyun was wrong about Johnny and skinship. He wasn’t against it.

Johnny still knew when Jaehyun needed it the most. He pulled Jaehyun into his arms and held him. Jaehyun rested his face against Johnny’s chest and closed his eyes.

They stayed like that for a long time.

*

Jaehyun let himself sleep in late. He rolled over and grabbed his phone, yawning as he sat up and checked his messages.

Johnny: Hey bro I’m at work today but I’ll be coming home around lunch

Johnny: Charli is in and out I can’t keep up with her schedule

Johnny: house code is 9596

Johnny: someone’s gonna break in eventually

Jaehyun snorted to himself. Birth years were an obvious house code, but looking out of his bedroom window, it seemed like Johnny didn’t have much to worry about in this part of town. It was sunny and bright outside. He pulled on a pair of shorts and the UChicago hoodie Johnny had got him for a high school graduation gift.

Jaehyun continued going through his messages. There was a check-in message from his mom. Jaehyun replied that he was at Johnny’s and he was okay. Jungwoo had texted him a selfie they took together last night and along with more of Jungwoo’s colorful commentary. Jaehyun skimmed through Jungwoo’s texts. There was nothing else.

Nothing from Yuta.

It was sunny out, but when Jaehyun hit the open air, he discovered it was chilly. Perfect running weather. He was able to break a good sweat and clear his head. He missed the Riverwalk but he appreciated the large trees and unbroken pavement. The neighborhood was quiet and calm. A couple people waved at him even though he was a random Asian guy running along the side of the road. He ran a good loop. It wasn’t five miles but long enough. His legs were shaky by the time Johnny’s large McMansion came back into view.

Jaehyun took a deep breath before punching the code to the house.

“Hello?” he called, opening the front door. He didn’t hear anything. Jaehyun kicked off his running shoes and tugged up the bottom of his hoodie, wiping off his face.

He looked up and saw Tatiana staring at him as he dropped his hoodie back down.

“Oh,” Jaehyun said, startled. “Hi there.”

Tatiana smiled sheepishly. Jaehyun tugged at the bottom of his hoodie, feeling a bit exposed.

“Sorry,” she said. “I heard you in here. Charli is out but she should be home around when Johnny comes back. I’m making lunch. Do you like tacos?”

“Sure,” Jaehyun said. He flashed his best smile. He wasn’t into the set-up, of course, but they were partners as maid-of-honor and best man. He was going to do his best to be nice and charming. “No chopsticks required, right?”

It was meant to be a joke but with the way Tatiana’s cheeks turned red, Jaehyun figured it was a little too soon.

“I’m kidding,” Jaehyun said, quickly. “Sorry, my humor is dumb.”

“No, you’re funny,” Tatiana said. “Nope… no chopsticks. I’ll be in—” She turned and pointed at the kitchen.

“I need to wash up real quick. I’ll join you.”

Jaehyun hurried up the stairs, taking them two at a time like Johnny had done last night. While it was good just to lay together for a while, Jaehyun still didn’t have any answers from Johnny about why he was suddenly going against everything he said he wanted from his marriage and why he hadn’t warned Jaehyun about inviting Yuta. They needed to talk more, but with Charli and Tatiana always around, Jaehyun wasn’t sure when they’d have time to do that.

Jaehyun took a quick, steaming hot shower and got dressed for the day.

Padding back down the stairs in his slippers, Jaehyun breathed in the smells of something delicious and slightly spicy wafting from the kitchen. He stood in the arched entryway and watched Tatiana for a moment as she busied herself with something sizzling on the stove. Honestly, Jaehyun was so tired last night that he hadn’t gotten a good look at her. Seeing Tatiana in casual leggings, an oversized t-shirt and bare feet made him realize that she was tall—about as tall as him—and she had really nice hips and a small waist that he could admire, despite the big t-shirt. Her hair was black—long, thick, and wavy.

She was an attractive woman. Jaehyun might rethink things. Johnny was right that he didn’t date, but that didn’t mean Jaehyun never hooked up or hung out with anyone. He hadn’t had time lately, but maybe Charli was onto something.

Jaehyun hadn’t realized how lonely he was.

The realization didn’t come when Jungwoo snuggled up to him at the hot spot place or lying on the bed with Johnny or even watching Tatiana busy herself with lunch like she and Jaehyun were about to become newlyweds.

It came from Yuta’s text.

“Smells good,” Jaehyun called out.

This time Tatiana didn’t look so startled. She turned and smiled at him.

“Just chicken tacos,” she said. “Family recipe.”

Jaehyun crossed the immaculate kitchen. It was huge, all granite countertops and stainless-steel appliances. A breakfast bar area. So much storage and enough prep space for three five-star chefs. The kitchen was one place where Jaehyun hadn’t compromised with his condo but his kitchen in Seoul could never compare to this.

Jaehyun eased his way into the kitchen. He made a decision then. He had a little more than two weeks in America. This was his first opportunity in a very long time to get away from his perfectly manicured yet boring and lonely life.

Weddings were about romance and fun. Did Jaehyun deserve a little piece of that?

I’m single, too.

Yuta didn’t know what he was talking about when he referenced what Jaehyun wrote in the note.

It was obvious he still thought it was a joke. Just like he did back then.

After Jaehyun admitted he was single, Yuta hadn’t texted him again.

“How can I help?” Jaehyun asked. He flashed Tatiana his best smile. The one that made both his dimples pop. The one he used to practice in the mirror after he’d realized the true beauty and power of his face. Conceited, but true. He could be shallow in high school.

Tatiana smiled back.

She grabbed an avocado from the fruit bowl. “Do you know how to make guacamole, Jay?” she asked.

Jaehyun tried to tell himself that her smile was just as beautiful as Yuta’s.

*

Johnny asked Jaehyun to be his best man, but never gave him any other details. Johnny said he wanted to plan his bachelor party himself. He wanted Jaehyun to give a toast. Jaehyun wasn’t sure what his responsibilities were beyond that. Johnny didn’t seem concerned.

During that first week, Jaehyun found out.

Charli and Tatiana had a schedule for everything.

Final fittings. Last minute cake tastings. Walks around the venue. Calls to vendors, confirming and finalizing the most minute details. Revising the seating chart. Revising the seating chart again. Jaehyun sat at the huge dining room table with Tatiana as they put together name tags, centerpieces, and bachelorette party favors.

Over the course of that week, Jaehyun had never heard Johnny and Charli fight so much.

“We can’t have any more last-minute additions!” Charli exploded over a dinner of delivery deep dish pizza from Johnny’s pizza spot.

“What am I supposed to do?” Johnny yelled back.

“It’s your family! Your friends. Your side! Put your foot down, Johnny! Tell them we can’t do this shit anymore!”

“What’s the difference? It’s one more person. We’re already spending fifty thousand dollars!”

“My parents are! Because you turned down that job offer when you knew we needed—”

“I told you I wanted to have a small wedding.”

“Your parents invited more people than anyone, Johnny! And they just keep coming. You’re taking all the planning I’m doing for granted. All the work I had to do on my own! You’re so selfish. This is the one thing I wanted.”

“I’m not selfish! You didn’t ask me what I want!”

“It’s my wedding! I don’t care!”

Jaehyun flinched as Johnny scooted his chair back abruptly and stomped out of the room.

Charli threw her napkin on her plate and covered her face with one hand. “Sorry guys…” she sobbed.

Jaehyun exchanged a sheepish look with Tatiana before Tatiana got up to comfort her friend.

Fights like this were happening every night. Jaehyun tried to bring it up with Johnny in the rare moments they were alone, but Johnny refused to talk. This definitely wasn’t what Jaehyun expected.

So much for wedding romance.

But there might have been romance or something like it lurking under the surface between him and Tatiana. He liked her laugh. Jaehyun learned that she had moved to the states from Mexico when she was five. It reminded him of his story a little bit, growing up in two worlds. She loved immigration law, but she wanted to discover her real passion one day. Jaehyun admitted he felt the same way. No one’s dream was working as a lawyer in contracts and acquisitions.

“Sometimes I feel trapped by money,” Tatiana admitted to him, one late night over soju. “I feel trapped by people’s expectations and perceptions of me.”

Jaehyun told her that he felt the same way.

He discovered that Tatiana was a good dancer. When she opened up, she talked a lot. She was a great problem solver when Charli was freaking out about some small detail that went wrong and sometimes, she was even a little better at calming Johnny down than Jaehyun was.

At night, they went out with Mark, Jaemin and Jungwoo to restaurants and bars and karaoke. Sometimes Charli and Johnny joined them. Sometimes they were fighting too much. It was okay. Jaehyun still had a good time. As best he could have.

But he noticed that Johnny had stopped smiling as much.

Stopped talking.

Jaehyun didn’t know what to do.

Jaehyun felt comfortable sitting close to Tatiana. Spending a lot of time with her. Making her laugh. Once he even held her hand.

But he didn’t try to kiss her.

Jaehyun still didn’t know how to trust his feelings. He never knew if anything he felt was right.

It was a problem he’d had for a very long time.

A week before the wedding, the family started to come.

“This is part of the reason my parents got us the house,” Charli said, as the four of them drove to the airport.

“This is the reason we got the block of rooms at the Westin,” Johnny said. “We’re not a hotel.”

“Johnny, these are my grandparents.”

Jaehyun fetched suitcases. He brought them up the stairs. He worked hard on remembering the names of Charli’s family members as they trickled into the house to stay for the wedding. He helped Tatiana make breakfast biscuits and breakfast tacos. He woke up early to go running and then try to talk to Johnny, but Johnny was never in the mood.

Five days before the wedding. Jaehyun was about to prepare for his morning run when there was a loud knock on the door.

Johnny stood there, dark circles under his eyes and his face pale. Jaehyun knew his best friend usually didn’t get a lot of sleep but now he looked like he hadn’t been getting any.

“What’s going on with you, Johnny?” Jaehyun grabbed Johnny’s wrist, looking at him urgently.

Johnny nodded his head towards Jaehyun’s suitcase. “Put on some clothes,” Johnny said. “We’re getting out of here.”

*

Jaehyun told himself that he would accompany Johnny wherever he needed to go. The sun had just risen over the horizon in front of them. The October sky was hazy, trapped under a morning fog. Jaehyun tried to figure out what that meant.

“Johnny?” Jaehyun said, the seatbelt keeping him tethered to the passenger seat. “What’s up with you?”

Johnny shook his head. “Wedding shit.”

“Johnny,” Jaehyun said. “I’m… worried. You’re not acting like yourself lately.”

Johnny sighed, even louder than Jaehyun had. “It’s just a lot going on, Jaehyun. It’s normal. You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never been in a relationship before.”

Jaehyun flinched, turning to look out the window as he clenched his jaw.

“Don’t be an asshole, Johnny,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny said. “I can’t think.”

“Talk to me!” Jaehyun turned back to looked at Johnny’s wan side profile. “Is something wrong? Do you… want to do this, Johnny? This wedding doesn’t seem… fun.”

“Most things in life aren’t fun,” Johnny said. “Is your life fun? Look, I fucked up because I didn’t tell you earlier. Yuta called me last night and told me he’s flying in early and asked to stay with me.”

“What?” Jaehyun sputtered out, his heart now racing for a different reason.

“Just another reason for an all-night fight,” Johnny said, bitterly. “Charli is so pissed.”

“Tell him to get a hotel room.”

Johnny snorted and rolled his eyes as he turned off the highway. “You know how Yuta is. He’ll show up one way or another.”

“Johnny, seriously… how often have you been talking to him? You haven’t told me about this.”

“It just happened,” Johnny said. “He’s… been here for work a few times and we hung out, me and him and the guys. I… I don’t know. Jaehyun, he was my… other best friend. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything. You never want to talk about what happened. I didn’t want to make you upset.”

You don’t want to talk about what happened, Jaehyun thought.

“I am upset,” Jaehyun said, quietly. “You didn’t give me any warning.”

“I fucked up again. Okay, I fucked up. I fuck everything up. I’m sorry.” Johnny turned to him at a red light. Jaehyun could see it in the pale, paper thin skin of his face. Johnny was so stressed out. Jaehyun didn’t know if this wedding was a good idea. When was he supposed to say something?

How could Jaehyun help Johnny if he wasn’t able to help himself?

“I need you, Jae,” Johnny said, in a low voice. “Just help me with this. Forgive me for this. Work through this with him, okay? We’ve talked about you. I know he wants to see you. I think you need this. It’s because of him you’ve been… holding yourself back, right?”

Jaehyun looked down at the floor mat and took a short breath.

“I think you and Tatiana could be good together.”

Jaehyun looked over at Johnny, feeling bewildered. He wasn’t sure what they were talking about anymore.

Johnny glanced back at him before tapping the gas lightly, the SUV lurching forward as the light turned green.

“He’s staying in your room,” Johnny said.

*

Jaehyun still remembered the first time he saw Yuta.

He joined the 8^th grade soccer team right away. Jaehyun knew it was the best way to make friends and he wanted to fit in at his new school in America. His parents had moved to Connecticut but sent him to the Chicago International School because it was the best boarding school for international students in America.

Jaehyun was raised to always seek out the best of the best.

As soon as he saw him, Jaehyun could tell that Yuta was among the best.

The 8^th grade soccer coach immediately wanted to move Jaehyun up to junior varsity with a chance to even practice with varsity. Jaehyun had just finished practice when he looked up to find an older boy looking him over.

Jaehyun remembered blushing from his ears all the way down. It was the first time he’d felt warm all over.

Even in his crotch.

“You’re really talented for an eighth grader,” the older boy said. He had a smile like a Cheshire cat, teasing but still harmless and way more… beautiful.

The only word for him was beautiful.

Jaehyun stood there, unable to say a word.

“Heyyyyyyy!” Suddenly, Johnny appeared, jogging up beside the older boy and patting his shoulder. “That’s my new buddy, Jaehyun. He just moved here from Korea.”

“You got stuck with Johnny, too?”

Jaehyun blushed so much just looking at this guy. His smile was gorgeous. Even after Johnny punched him in the arm and they started pushing each other.

Jaehyun could only stare.

“Yuta’s one of my best friends,” Johnny said to Jaehyun, slinging an arm around the older boy once they finally stopped. Now, his name was burned into Jaehyun’s brain. Yuta.

Johnny turned to Yuta. “Jaehyun could be one of my good friends, too. Hey! He could take your spot.” Johnny grinned down at Yuta. It was only in that moment that Jaehyun noticed how much shorter Yuta was. He and Yuta were about the same height. But, somehow, Yuta seemed to loom over him.

Yuta was all he could see.

“Jaehyun’s gonna take my spot on this team,” Yuta said. “He’s super good at soccer.”

“Jaehyun’s gonna take a lot of things!” Johnny said, laughing.

Like Yuta’s heart? Jaehyun thought and his face got even hotter.

He’d never had thoughts like that before. About anybody.

He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t have time to think about it really. Yuta was two years older than him, super popular and handsome. He was always around other people. He would never have time for Jaehyun.

He’d never really notice him.

So Jaehyun put it out of his mind, whatever those feelings were.

He’d put it out of his mind for a long time.

Now, seeing Yuta again at the airport for the first time in 12 years, Jaehyun realized that the heat had never left him.

“Jaehyun Jung…” Yuta said, slowly, looking him over as Jaehyun’s whole body burned. “Wow. You really grew up, didn’t you?”

Just like the first time they met, Jaehyun couldn’t say anything. He stood there while Johnny marched toward Yuta and grabbed his bag.

“I’m in the doghouse because of you.” Johnny glared at him.

“Chill.” Yuta rolled his eyes. “You’ve been in the doghouse for a long time. Nice to see you, too.”

“I thought you weren’t coming.”

Yuta shrugged. “I finished the merger faster than I thought. What better way to celebrate than the wedding of one of my oldest friends? Who’s getting married on my birthday, by the way! You think I’m about to let you steal my big day?” Yuta slid his eyes over to Johnny and grinned playfully, that disarming, mischievous yet gorgeous grin that made Jaehyun’s heart knock against his chest even though it wasn’t directed at him. “Come here.”

Johnny smiled reluctantly as Yuta pulled him into a hug.

Jaehyun watched them. For a moment, Jaehyun wanted to be them.

But nothing could make him forget the note.

The way Yuta told him to forget it.

Jaehyun told the heat in his body to calm down.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta said, looking up at him again. He started towards him.

Jaehyun took a step back.

“Still not touchy, I see.” Yuta stood there with a smirk but didn’t try again.

Jaehyun wondered if it really was Yuta who texted him.

“You and Jaehyun are rooming together,” Johnny said.

“Ah,” Yuta said. “Back to the boarding school days.”

“There’s no bunk beds this time.” Johnny grabbed Yuta’s suitcase. “Only one bed.”

Yuta’s smirk grew a little wider. “Like I said… back to the boarding school days.”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Yeah… you wish stuff like that happened back in school. Come on.”

He started heading through the vast airport, towards the parking garage. Jaehyun couldn’t move.

Yuta didn’t move either.

“You look like you saw a ghost,” Yuta said, staring Jaehyun down.

Jaehyun didn’t say anything.

“Jaehyun has a thing with the maid of honor, by the way!” Johnny called over his shoulder.

Yuta nodded. He reached out and gave Jaehyun’s arm a squeeze. Jaehyun didn’t move.

“Good for you,” Yuta said. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

*

No one noticed when they finally got back to the house. It was busy and noisy. Charli’s family didn’t take their shoes off at the door. Jaehyun chanted names in his head. Grandma Rosie. Uncle Jim. Charli’s cousin, Veronica and her husband David. He could hear them all in the kitchen. Tatiana’s voice floated over the rest, laughing at jokes or maybe nothing at all.

Jaehyun felt Yuta’s eyes on him.

“Nobody wants to pay for a hotel room,” Johnny muttered behind them as they all stood in the doorway. “Jaehyun, will you show him up?”

“Johnny, you’re living in like… what is this? You’re living in a Sims house with all the cheat codes.” Yuta peeked around and then turned to Johnny with a disbelieving look.

“Yuta!” Charli said, peeking her head from around the corner. “Welcome. Wow, you look so good!”

“I always do,” Yuta said, with a laugh. “You look even better. I’m so excited to see you in your wedding dress. You’ll look like an angel. I might have to stop the wedding because Johnny’s not good enough for all that beauty.”

Charli grinned like she and Johnny hadn’t been fighting like cats and dogs for the past few days. “I’ll never allow it,” she teased back. “Make yourself at home.”

Johnny nodded, wearily.

Jaehyun looked around. He could hear Tatiana, but she didn’t come out of the kitchen to say hi.

Jaehyun didn’t know why he felt this way. In fact, he didn’t know how he felt at all.

He grabbed Yuta’s suitcase and began hauling it up the stairs. He sat Yuta’s suitcase next to the bed. When he turned around, Yuta was behind him.

“You can take the bed,” Jaehyun said.

Yuta leaned against the side of the open doorway. Jaehyun felt his eyes on him.

“So, you can talk,” Yuta said.

Jaehyun clenched his jaw, staring down at the bed. He’d ask Johnny to buy him an air mattress. Johnny owed him that much.

“It’s a selective conversation,” Yuta said, easing into the room.

Jaehyun took a deep breath.

“You think so loudly, though,” Yuta continued. “You always have.”

“You don’t know what I think,” Jaehyun said, his bitter voice surprising him. Yuta looked surprised, too. He raised his eyebrows.

“I do a little bit, Jaehyun,” Yuta said, almost too quiet for Jaehyun to hear. But Jaehyun heard him.

He looked away.

“How are you feeling about this whole marriage thing?” Jaehyun heard Yuta sit down on the edge of the bed. “Johnny’s been telling me this wedding has been a nightmare lately.”

Jaehyun stood where he was, fiddling with his own fingernails. “How often do you talk to Johnny?” he asked.

“More, lately,” Yuta said. “We used to not talk at all for a long time.”

Jaehyun stared at his fingernails until Yuta cleared his throat.

“Just like we haven’t talked for a long time,” Yuta said, softly.

Jaehyun didn’t say anything.

Yuta cleared his throat. “Do you remember…” Yuta asked, his voice hesitant for once. “Your letter?”

Jaehyun stared at his fingernails until they became blurry.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Yuta said. “I know you have other things on your mind. Best man stuff. The maid-of-honor chick. I get it.” Yuta cleared his throat again, sounding like he had a cold. Jaehyun felt a bit concerned but he couldn’t look at him right now.

“I’m glad I got here just in time for the bachelor party!” Yuta exclaimed, pitching his voice louder but it still sounded strained. “I could use some fun.”

Yuta flopped back on the bed. Jaehyun finally looked at him, biting down on the end of his thumbnail.

He wished the feelings still weren’t so intense. They threatened to all come flooding back.

Thankfully, Yuta’s eyes were closed.

Jaehyun didn’t know what he’d do if he had to stare into them.

“I’m going to take a nap,” Yuta declared.

Jaehyun left the room without another word.

The answer to Yuta’s question bounced around in his head.

How often did he think about that letter?

Nearly every day.

*

Johnny came through with the air mattress, returning from his Target run red-faced and tense.

“Bachelor party tomorrow,” Jaehyun reminded him. Johnny handed him the box in the bedroom doorway. Yuta was on the bed, passed out. He hadn’t even woken up for dinner or during a particularly loud game of Bingo with Charli’s family in the living room.

Johnny shook his head. “Don’t remind me. Charli texted me a list of Don’ts that she’s never mentioned before yet she’s totally serious about it.”

“What are they?”

Johnny shook his head and shot Jaehyun a don’t ask look.

Jaehyun shifted uncomfortably. Like Johnny said, he’d never been in a serious relationship before. He’d never even been part of a wedding. So, he wasn’t sure how worried he should be about Johnny’s constant bad mood and unhappiness over the past few days.

But he was worried.

“We’ll have a no phones rule,” Jaehyun tried. “No evidence, no crime.”

Johnny snorted. “I’m going to my parent’s house tonight. Goodnight.”

Jaehyun sighed, closing the door quietly after Johnny stomped away.

Jaehyun glanced back towards the bed. It also wasn’t like Johnny to throw him in a room with Yuta with no warning, no time to talk about it and hardly any apology. But Jaehyun figured being the best man meant taking his lumps. And if Yuta stayed asleep the whole time, this whole situation would be way less awkward.

Or maybe there was no way to make it less awkward.

Jaehyun didn’t turn on the lights. The window was open and the light from the bright moon streaming in was enough for him to open the air mattress and plug the air pump into the wall. It inflated almost silently. At least Johnny had sprung for the expensive kind. But Johnny hadn’t gotten Jaehyun any sheets or blankets and Jaehyun was too tired to scrounge around for one or knock on Charli’s door and ask her. With all the people in the house, they were probably out of bedding anyway.

The air mattress had a soft, padded top layer. Jaehyun stripped down to his underwear and laid on top of it. The only place to fit the air mattress was right next to bed and there was literally no room between the two. If Yuta didn’t notice him in the morning, he would step on Jaehyun.

Jaehyun stared at the ceiling.

“Still can’t turn that brain off, huh?”

Jaehyun’s heart jumped into his throat when he heard Yuta’s voice. He didn’t say anything.

Jaehyun wondered if Yuta remembered those late-night phone calls. Half the time they were just breathing over the phone, trying to be quiet for their roommates.

Jaehyun wished he didn’t remember any of it.

He flinched when he felt something soft drop on top of him. Then he realized it was a blanket. He finally turned his head, grabbing the blanket and shaking it out so he covered his whole body. Yuta blinked down at him.

“Goodnight,” Yuta said.

*

Jaehyun helped Tatiana clean up after a frantic breakfast. The family members were getting ready for an all-day Chicago tour outing and Johnny and Charli were fighting in the backyard. Jaehyun glanced out over at them from the kitchen window. The backyard was beautiful, with the glittering new pool and the hot tub and all the lush grass but he could totally tell that Johnny and Charli were screaming at each other in the middle of it.

Jaehyun startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Tatiana said from beside him. “I said your name a couple times. You didn’t answer.”

Jaehyun pressed his lips together and tried a smile. He didn’t respond to Jay very well after all these years in Seoul not using his American name. “Sorry.”

Tatiana followed his gaze out the window. “She’s worried that you guys won’t be out of the house by the time we get back from dinner.”

“We will.” Jaehyun turned to Tatiana and gave her another smile. A real one this time. “I’ll make sure of it.”

“That’s what I told her,” Tatiana said. “You guys want to go hang out at strip clubs tonight. Not the house.”

“I heard that’s something else she’s mad about,” Jaehyun said.

“She’ll get over it,” Tatiana said. “I think.” She wrinkled her nose. Jaehyun thought it was cute. He laughed a little.

Tatiana smiled at him. Jaehyun was surprised when she rubbed his back, but he didn’t shy away from it. He was still in a tank top and sweatpants, but when you were thrown together in a house with a bunch of strangers sharing bathrooms and getting ready for a wedding, everyone quickly became family.

“Hey,” Tatiana said, softly after a moment. “Are you okay?”

Jaehyun turned his head to look at Tatiana’s pretty brown eyes blinking back at him.

“Yeah,” he said, slowly. “Why?”

“You were quiet this morning. You’re spacing out.” Tatiana tipped her head to the side. Jaehyun turned around so he was pinned back against the kitchen sink, Tatiana hovering over him. She smelled like cinnamon. Her eyelashes were very long, and her breasts were this close to touching him.

Jaehyun took a deep breath.

“Is it… Yuta?” Tatiana asked.

Jaehyun nearly choked on his own tongue.

Tatiana looked sheepish. “Charli told me… uh, you and Yuta… I guess in high school, you had a fight?”

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows.

Tatiana took a step back. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything…”

“No.” Jaehyun held up a hand. “I’m just—Charli said?”

“Uh…” Tatiana laughed nervously. “She said Johnny told her that.”

“What did Johnny say?” Jaehyun stared up at Tatiana in a way that he knew she wouldn’t be able to refuse.

Tatiana looked even more sheepish than before now.

“Charli said… Johnny said that, uh… in high school you were dating like the most popular girl in school? And you and Yuta were on the soccer team together. I guess you two had like… a joke? And you wrote him some kind of romantic note to Yuta. It was just a joke but… your girlfriend found it and read it and broke up with you? Because it was high school and you were popular, she was popular… it was kind of a big deal. Everyone was talking about it. So, you got mad at Yuta for leaking the note. I don’t know. It was a lot of drama. I don’t know. I feel bad. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry, Jay.”

Jaehyun blinked, before turning away. He frowned to himself, shaking his head. Is that what Johnny really thought happened?

Drama. High school drama.

Jaehyun was mad because… of a joke.

Jaehyun uttered a choked out laugh.

“Oh God,” Tatiana said. “I… I should have kept my mouth shut. It’s stupid, right? Forget I said anything.”

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun said, quickly. “I, uh, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just tired. I’m going to get ready.”

“Yeah.”

When Jaehyun finally looked at Tatiana again, she was blushing, her face dark and flushed. “I’m so sorry for being weird,” she said. “I just—”

“Thanks for checking on me,” Jaehyun said, bowing his head politely before making his way out of the kitchen. “Have a nice day with the sightseeing tours.”

He hurried up the stairs, his heart racing.

*

Jaehyun managed to avoid Yuta and Johnny for the rest of the day. It wasn’t too difficult. Johnny was off in his own world and Yuta stayed in bed. Jaehyun took a long run. He showered in another bathroom. He snuck his outfit from his suitcase. Then he sat outside in one of the lounge chairs near the pool and stared into space for a long time.

Jaehyun didn’t know who he was angrier at. Johnny. Yuta.

His 16-year-old self.

Or maybe he wasn’t mad at all.

Maybe he was just tired.

Maybe he’d been tired for a long time.

People started arriving for the bachelor party at six. Well, Doyoung was early as usual. He helped Jaehyun set out all the alcohol on the coffee table in the living room.

“This house is quite large,” Doyoung said.

“I know,” Jaehyun said, grabbing the three different vodka bottles he’d ordered. Doyoung carried a six pack of soju and a stack of shot glasses.

“It’s not very Johnny.” Doyoung set his glasses carefully down on top of the glass coffee table that was covered in newspaper. Jaehyun thought he should do something to preserve the impeccable nature of the house.

“I know,” Jaehyun muttered.

Doyoung was Johnny’s friend from college, but Jaehyun liked him a lot, too. They met because of Johnny. All Jaehyun’s friends were because of Johnny. And when Johnny wasn’t around, he didn’t have any friends.

Taeyong showed up exactly six. “Baby!” he squealed as soon as he walked through the door and saw Jaehyun. “How come you didn’t respond to my text messages?”

“I was busy,” Jaehyun murmured, but he could hardly get the words out before Taeyong was tugging him down and smothering him in a big hug.

“I missed you so much!” Taeyong kissed the side of his face. Jaehyun let himself melt against him for just a moment. This felt like when they were kids.

The worst part of everything back in high school was when Taeyong had to leave.

“I haven’t seen you in way too long!” Taeyong pulled away just enough to grab Jaehyun’s face and stare into his eyes. Jaehyun wanted to look away. Taeyong’s huge brown eyes were way too intense. But once he had you in his arms, you were trapped.

“Oh my God, what’s going on? You look stressed!”

Jaehyun shrugged. “I’m not as stressed as Johnny.”

“I know. Poor thing. He isn’t picking up the phone either. Where is he?”

Jaehyun pointed up at the ceiling. Last he knew, Johnny was in his room getting ready.

“It’s just wedding jitters,” Taeyong said. “Cold feet. Perfectly normal. But what about you? You’re not getting married. You are the handsome, handsome best man. One of the stars. Why are you stressed?”

“You’re the handsome groomsman,” Jaehyun said, finally allowing himself to smile a little. “That makes you a star, too.”

“And I’m over here, not in the wedding,” Doyoung said, waving from the couch. “Hi!”

“And I was barely invited to the wedding!”

Jaehyun straightened up, pulling himself out of Taeyong’s arms before he turned towards the stairs.

Yuta leaned against the railing, smirking down at all of them.

Taeyong frowned, pressing his hands against his hips. “Someone else who never answers the phone.”

“I was busy,” Yuta said, heading the rest of the way down the stairs. “Nice to see you, too.”

“Oh, I’m thrilled to see you. I’ve been wanting to see you for years.”

Jaehyun went to sit next to Doyoung on the couch while Taeyong and Yuta embraced. Jaehyun couldn’t help staring. Yuta looked beautiful as usual. Jaehyun assumed he was well rested because he had color back into his face and his eyes were sharp and clear. For once, Yuta didn’t have a crazy hair color. His hair was jet black, choppy and long. Jaehyun thought it looked amazing on him. Yuta caught Jaehyun’s eye from over Taeyong’s shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

Jaehyun looked away.

“Oh boy.” Doyoung leaned over and grabbed a bottle of soju. “I need this.”

Jaehyun laughed, knocking his shoulder against Doyoung’s. “Pour me one, too.”

Jaehyun sucked down his soju as the door opened again.

“Heyyyyy!” Jungwoo said, holding up a bag as he walked in followed by Mark and Jaemin. “I brought party favors!” He pulled out a headband with two plastic dicks bouncing on top of it.

“No,” Yuta said.

“Yuta!” Jungwoo dropped his bag and bounced over to give Yuta a hug.

Jaehyun took another shot of soju. Apparently, Yuta had hung out with Johnny and the gang quite a few times.

And Johnny had never told him.

“He got these, too.” Mark picked up Jungwoo’s abandoned bag and pulled out a black baseball hat that said Team Groom.

“Awwwww!” Taeyong said.

“I’m not wearing that,” said a voice from the doorway.

Jaehyun looked up to see Ten staring disdainfully at the hat in Mark’s hand.

“Dude, it’s like a bachelor party!” Mark tried to put the hat on Ten’s head, laughing as Ten ducked away.

“God, no, Mark, I will beat you with my shoe!” Ten said, holding out his hand in warning. “Nobody wear that, or you are uninvited. This is fun, though!” He picked up the abandoned penis headband and put it on.

Jungwoo beamed, his arm around Yuta’s shoulder. “See?”

“God, this place feels like a funeral home,” Ten said, glancing around. “Why are the walls red? It feels like you inherited Grandma’s house, but you’re just going to sell it so you can get the money.”

“It’s Johnny’s house, be nice,” Taeyong chided.

Ten plopped next to Jaehyun on the couch and leaned his head against his shoulder. “Hey, handsome.”

Jaehyun smiled and rested his head against Ten’s. Ten had gone to the Chicago International School but he’d transferred to a performing arts high school by the time Jaehyun got there. Jaehyun understood why. There wasn’t anyone like Ten at their high school. Well, Ten was one of a kind in general but the number of openly gay kids at their private school was pretty much zero. Jaehyun didn’t know anyone who came out during high school.

After what happened with the note, Jaehyun understood why.

Still, Ten remained one of Johnny’s best friends, even though they really only hung out during the summer, away from the prying eyes of the popular kids at CIS. That’s how Ten became Jaehyun’s friend, too. Jaehyun always admired how Ten was always unabashedly, unapologetically himself. He wished he could be more like that.

But he wasn’t brave enough.

“I missed you,” Ten said, wrapping an arm around Jaehyun’s waist.

“I missed you, too,” Jaehyun mumbled.

“Even though you never talk to me!”

“I don’t talk to anyone.” Jaehyun turned to Ten with a sheepish smile on his face.

“Always keeping yourself.” Ten patted Jaehyun’s cheek affectionately. “Never asking for help.”

Jaehyun laughed as Ten poked one of his dimples.

“We’re only going to see you at weddings and funerals now that you’re in Seoul,” Ten said.

“Hopefully, just weddings,” Jaehyun said.

“Who else is getting married around here?” Ten gestured around the room and shook his head. “Certainly not me!”

“So, you’re saying someone has to die?” Jaehyun laughed, tipping his head back and closing his eyes.

“Or! You need to come around more often.”

“I’m busy…” Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes.

He caught Yuta staring at him.

They spent the next half hour passing soju around, having drinks and catching up. Ten was right. It had been a long time since he hung out with any of them. When Jaehyun was far away in Seoul, it was easy to convince himself that they didn’t really care about him.

Or Jaehyun didn’t miss them.

But sitting now with Taeyong, Ten, Doyoung, Mark, Jungwoo and even Jaemin, Jaehyun realized he’d been missing out on something important while he’d been plugging away at work, keeping his head down and trying not to be noticed ever again.

He was missing something like friendship.

He was missing something like love.

Something like home.

Jaehyun took another shot of soju and finally allowed himself to look at Yuta again.

Yuta sat on the floor with Mark, laughing at something dumb Mark said. God, his smile was gorgeous, and his laugh had always been melodic and contagious.

Jaehyun never allowed these feelings, but they pushed through anyway now that his defenses had been lowered by alcohol.

He really missed Yuta.

“Heyyyyy!” Taeyong exclaimed, jumping to his feet. “There he is! The man of the hour!”

Jaehyun turned and watched Johnny slink down the stairs, dressed in all black.

They all cheered and hooted and clapped. They started chanting John-ny! John-ny! Mark successfully handed out the hats. Taeyong slapped the one that said GROOM on Johnny’s head and tackled him down onto the couch in a hug. Ten kept wearing the penis headband.

“Tonight is going to be epic!” Jungwoo declared. “It’s my first bachelor party!”

“Dude, me too!” Mark said with wide eyes.

“Johnny, why are your plans so hetero?” Ten wrinkled his nose. “A strip club?”

“I’m not hetero,” Johnny said, pouring himself a big glass of straight whiskey.

“I know! That’s why I’m disappointed in you. Should have let me plan it.”

Johnny snorted, bringing his glass up to his lips. “Nooooo thank you.”

Ten pouted and rolled his eyes. “I brought party favors!” Ten declared. He pulled out a little baggie, shaking it for everyone. “Molly?”

“No,” Johnny said.

Ten made an annoyed face. “Johnny, why are you so grumpy? You need this more than anyone.”

“He’s just got wedding jitters,” Taeyong said, hugging Johnny’s head to his chest protectively. Somehow, Johnny was able to drain his glass from that position.

“Let’s just stick to alcohol,” Jaehyun said. He checked his phone. Although Johnny planned the bachelor party, Jaehyun in his duties as best man, did come up with a few enhancements. He’d rented a party bus and gotten them a penthouse apartment Airbnb rental with five bedrooms so they wouldn’t have to come back to Johnny’s house rowdy and drunk while Charli’s grandparents were sleeping.

“Bus should be here in five minutes,” Jaehyun announced to everyone. Their first destination was dinner at Johnny’s favorite KBBQ place in the city.

“I have to pee!” Jungwoo jumped to his feet. He grabbed Mark’s hand and then Jaemin’s, hauling them up, towards the downstairs half bath. “Come with me!”

“Good idea,” Doyoung murmured, his face slightly red. He had downed two bottles of soju by himself.

“There’s another one right up the stairs,” Jaehyun said, pointing.

“I’ll come with you.” Ten grinned at Doyoung and they both headed up the stairs.

Jaehyun looked over at Taeyong’s frown.

“Well, you’ve hardly spoken to him all night,” Yuta said, surprising Jaehyun. He could have said the same thing.

Taeyong pouted. “It’s complicated,” he said, still cradling Johnny’s head while Johnny’s eyes were closed. “Just like you, Yuta Nakamoto.” Everyone knew Doyoung and Taeyong had an on again, off again thing that seemed never ending. Jaehyun guessed they were currently off.

Jaehyun took a deep breath and looked around. It seemed like it would be up to him to be the responsible one tonight and keep up with everyone since he was the best man and Johnny was in a bad mood. He did a mental head count and then started a Bachelor Party Group Chat for everyone to be used later in the night when inevitably someone got lost.

Jaehyun jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Yuta perched himself on the arm of the couch, right next to Jaehyun. “You’re always thinking,” he said. He handed Jaehyun a half-empty soju bottle.

Jaehyun took a swig.

“I didn’t mean to hog the bed,” Yuta said, quietly. “I’ve just been working crazy hours for weeks to finish this merger. I haven’t slept and jet lag hit me hard.”

I know the feeling, Jaehyun thought. But he didn’t say anything.

He handed the soju bottle back to Yuta.

“You can have the bed tonight,” Yuta said, holding the neck of the bottle loosely.

“We’re in an Airbnb tonight,” Jaehyun said.

“I guess you don’t have to think about me then,” Yuta said.

Jaehyun lifted his gaze, finally daring to meet Yuta’s eyes.

Did Yuta know that he thought about him all the time?

“There’s not enough beds. Whoever’s the drunkest will be thrown on the couch,” Jaehyun said, allowing a hint of a smile to tease at the corner of his lips.

“It’s gonna be Johnny,” Yuta said, grinning back at him.

That same grin that used to make Jaehyun feel like his chest was hit full force by a soccer ball each time Yuta aimed it in his direction in high school.

The same way he felt now.

“Hey!” Johnny sat up, looking around. “Let’s go! I can’t stand to be in here anymore!”

*

Jaehyun tried to slow down the drinking at the KBBQ spot, but the night was already out of control. He couldn’t count the number of soju bombs that went around the table. Eventually, he just gave in and had a couple of his own.

The party bus was full size, but it still felt too small for the nine of them. They sat in comfortable leather seats and there was mood lighting throughout with different controls so it could be sensual and sultry or bright and club-like. Jungwoo had it on the highest strobe light setting until Ten threw a cup at him. Jaehyun changed it to regular flashing party lights, alternating between blue, purple and red.

“Bachelor party!” Ten exclaimed, shaking the dicks on his head and pouring up more drinks as they rode to their next destination. The party bus came fully stocked with alcohol. “Isn’t it great how a man needs a whole night where he can get fucked up before he can marry a woman? I love it. I love it! Isn’t marriage great?”

Jaehyun noticed Taeyong’s warning look but Johnny chimed in. “Yeah, it’s true.”

“Tell us more, Johnny!” Ten said brightly as the party bus hit a vicious pothole and practically everyone hit their head on the ceiling. “Aren’t you having so much fun?”

“Everyday, Charli tells me how her family gave us this and gave us that when I didn’t ask for any of it! She’s mad that I didn’t take the promotion, but they wanted to move me to Boston! I don’t want to leave Chicago. She’s like, Johnny you don’t think big enough. What’s wrong with taking it slow? We have time. It’s my life, too!”

Jaehyun looked around the party bus as everyone was drinking and half-listening to Johnny’s rant but mostly talking among themselves. Taeyong patted Johnny’s arm. Jaehyun gave Johnny a bottle of water. If he kept going at this rate, he wasn’t going to make it to midnight.

“I don’t want to be controlled by her family because they give us money!” Johnny yelled.

“It’s not too late to get out of it!” Ten grinned. “Say the word and I take you to Vegas, honey. Such a better use of my wedding gift money.”

“Ten,” Jaehyun said, quietly, giving him a look. He knew Ten was mostly teasing but it was too much right now.

Ten huffed.

“You two are going to have a beautiful life together,” Taeyong said, squeezing Johnny’s arm. “It’s totally worth it.”

“Taeyong said he gives it a year!” Doyoung called from the other side of the bus.

“Doyoung!” Taeyong hissed. Then he sat back in his seat, sheepishly. “I was drunk and upset...”

Johnny didn’t seem to hear. He was staring into space.

Jaehyun rubbed his hand over his face. This was his first bachelor party as the best man, and he was fairly certain that it was turning into a disaster.

He pulled his hand away when he felt someone pat his back.

Yuta handed him a shot.

*

Before the strip club, Jaehyun had gotten them bottle service at one of the best clubs in the city. They were quickly joined by a group of young women who started eyeing their bachelor party hats. Jaehyun waved them over to join them on the couches behind the velvet rope. He didn’t mind. They had too much booze to drink anyway. Let the ladies have it.

Johnny seemed to be enjoying the attention. One lady was wearing his groom hat, and another was giving him a lap dance.

“Should I take a picture?” Ten said, leaning up towards Jaehyun’s ear. Jaehyun rolled his eyes.

“Dance with me,” Taeyong said, grabbing Ten’s hands.

“I’m not helping you make him jealous,” Ten said, but he stepped away to dance with Taeyong anyway.

Mark and Jaemin were dancing together. Doyoung and Jungwoo were with a couple of the girls. Everyone seemed to be okay. For now. If there was a dark corner available, Jaehyun would have snuck towards it and taken a moment just to breathe. But all the corners were taken. Instead, he was surrounded by gyrating bodies, choking fog and strobe lights.

“Hey.”

Jaehyun looked up instinctively when he heard Yuta’s voice.

“Remember the last time I asked you to dance with me?”

Jaehyun’s heart clenched, involuntarily. He remembered. Of course, he remembered. Senior prom. Yuta’s senior prom, not his, but Jaehyun was there with his senior friends and his senior girlfriend. Yuta also had a date. Johnny had a date. Taeyong had a date. Their usual crew. Jaehyun used to think he belonged.

He was wrong.

The girls went to the bathroom together. Taeyong and Johnny went to get drinks. Yuta and Jaehyun went outside, sneaking around to the back of the building so Yuta could smoke.

Jaehyun always felt so cool when Yuta invited him on his smoke breaks. Yuta never offered him a cigarette and Jaehyun never asked. Jaehyun was relieved about this fact because refusing it would seem so uncool. He didn’t want to smoke, he just wanted to bask in Yuta’s company.

It was confusing back then when he was figuring out if he wanted to be Yuta or… something more.

Jaehyun remembered the song changed as Yuta pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket. Yuta looked up and then back towards the hotel.

The song was cheesy. I Don’t Want to Wait by Paula Cole.

Yuta paused. He put his cigarettes back in his suit pocket. He looked down at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun wondered if Yuta could tell how fast his heart was racing. Was his face was completely red?

Yuta seemed to contemplate his words before asking. “Do you want to dance?”

Jaehyun nodded, eager—too eager. But it was too late. Or it didn’t matter.

Yuta was already pulling Jaehyun into his arms.

Jaehyun was a little taller than Yuta by then. Still, he wrapped his arms around Yuta’s neck. Yuta wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s waist. Their chests were touching. Their hips. They swayed together to the theme song to the old show Dawson’s Creek. Yuta pulled him in closer, his fingers gripping the back of Jaehyun’s suit jacket. There was no way Yuta didn’t know how fast Jaehyun’s heart was racing. They were so close. So so close. Yuta was warm and he smelled like sweet cologne and sporty deodorant.

Jaehyun pressed his face against Yuta’s shoulder.

Yuta stepped away so suddenly that Jaehyun nearly lost his balance. He straightened up immediately, scrambling back. He did something wrong. He messed this all up. He knew his eyes were wide. But then Yuta reached up and cupped the side of his face with one hand. He shook his head quickly as if he could read Jaehyun’s mind, knew all his secrets and fears.

He was telling Jaehyun that he did nothing wrong.

“You’re beautiful,” Yuta whispered into the space between them. “You’re so, so beautiful.”

Jaehyun wrote the note the next day.

Now, in the dark, murky haze of the club, Jaehyun found himself torn between wishing that he didn’t remember the last time they danced together and wanting to teleport back into time, back to that moment behind the hotel, the cheesy final moments of prom. Back to when life was innocent.

The last time he was truly happy.

“How drunk are you?” Yuta asked.

“Not drunk enough,” Jaehyun answered.

“I thought so.”

Yuta gave him a shot. They tossed them back together. Yuta didn’t ask this time. Instead, he turned around as the DJ dropped the beat on another song and pressed his ass against Jaehyun. Jaehyun stood there still as Yuta started grinding against him. He stared straight ahead until Yuta looked back at him and bit his lip.

Fuck it, Jaehyun thought, grabbing Yuta’s hips.

“Whoo hoo!” Ten yelled, hurrying out of nowhere to grind up against Jaehyun’s ass. Taeyong joined them, but instead of keeping it sexy he wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s waist and gave him a hug.

Jaehyun burst out laughing.

Somehow, they all ended up with their arms around each other, jumping around. Mark and Jaemin wandered over, asking them what was going on. Jungwoo and Doyoung abandoned their dance partners to join the chaos.

Jaehyun yelped when Johnny appeared, grabbing him tight and hauling him up into his arms. Jaehyun laughed even harder, wrapping his legs around Johnny’s waist since Johnny wouldn’t put him down. Johnny smelled like sweat and booze. Jaehyun wiped off his sweaty face. At least it meant he was having a good time.

“He’s my best man!” Johnny yelled, squeezing Jaehyun way too hard. “I fucking love you guys!”

Jaehyun kept smiling. He kept trying his best to breathe.

He’d forgotten what this was like.

Having friends.

Having feelings.

Jaehyun looked down and caught Yuta’s eye.

Yuta winked.

*

The strip club was more fun than Jaehyun anticipated. He made sure everyone had plenty of dollar bills. He felt like they were playing monopoly when he passed all the crisp new bills out.

The dancers treated them well, hanging out with them, chatting with them and showing off their best moves. Jaehyun enjoyed the lesson one woman gave Ten on the pole, showing him how to spin upside down.

Johnny had long been cut off since Jaehyun didn’t want to explain to Charli why her fiancé was in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. It didn’t matter because the damage was already done. Jaehyun sat on a bar stool next to his best friend as Johnny was slumped over the bar, a wet crumpled tissue in his hand.

“I don’t understand why the closer we get to the wedding everything she wants is different!” he cried.

“You have to understand, honey, she’s under a lot of pressure too,” the scantily clad bartender said, pushing Johnny’s groom hat back so it wasn’t pressing against his eyes.

Jaehyun rubbed Johnny’s back. This was a night that no matter how much he drank, he continued to feel sober. But he didn’t mind making sure everyone was okay.

Mark and Jaemin had gone to a private room. Yuta and Taeyong were sitting and watching Ten’s stripper lessons. Doyoung was sitting in the corner, on the phone.

Jaehyun allowed himself to relax for a moment.

He closed his eyes.

An image flashed in his mind.

A close up on a note written in his own handwriting shown on a TV screen as it was read out loud.

Yuta, I don’t know what to say. I’m going to miss you. I think about you all the time. I know I have a girlfriend now, but if we’re both single when I’m 30, we should get married.

Jaehyun nearly fell off his stool when someone smacked his knee.

“Hyung, are you okay!” Jungwoo yelled in his face, way too loud.

“Yeah.” Jaehyun cleared his throat and rubbed a hand over his face.

“I thought you passed out.”

Jaehyun shook his head. “No… just thinking.”

“You’re shaking.”

Jaehyun balled his hands into fists. He twisted to his side suddenly, looking for Johnny but Johnny was gone.

“They took him for a lap dance,” Jungwoo said. “Maybe he’ll stop crying.”

Jaehyun gave a weak laugh.

Jungwoo plopped himself in Jaehyun’s lap.

“Hyung,” Jungwoo said, staring Jaehyun down as Jaehyun wound his arms around Jungwoo’s waist. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but Jungwoo didn’t weigh much. “I have a question for you.”

“What’s that?” Jaehyun asked.

“Why does everyone think you’re straight?”

Jaehyun almost burst out laughing with shock. Then he looked straight ahead. He could feel Jungwoo’s eyes on him.

“I never said otherwise,” Jaehyun finally said.

“I don’t mean to out you…” Jungwoo said, sounding hesitant now. Jaehyun glanced around. There was no one near them. Even the bartender had abandoned them. At four in the morning, the strip club was pretty much dead.

“No,” Jaehyun said. He took a deep breath. “I mean, you’re not wrong.”

“I know,” Jungwoo said. “I’m always right about these things. But I always wondered… we never hang out long enough for me to ask. I’ve been thinking about this since I asked at dinner. Mark was right, though. I’ve never seen you with men or women. I mean, you’re so private. And you’re like always in Seoul, hyung. But we’ve never seen you with… anyone.”

Jaehyun bit his lower lip, looking across the club. Yuta, Doyoung, Taeyong and Ten were alone on one of the stripper stages now, taking turns performing for each other. Doyoung was surprisingly sexy as he leaned back, holding onto the pole and popping a hip.

“There’s someone…” Jungwoo mused. Jaehyun glanced up again, meeting Jungwoo’s eyes peeking through his messy mop of floppy blonde hair. Jungwoo’s mouth dropped open. “Is it Johnny?”

“No,” Jaehyun said, quickly. “No, no, no.”

“Oh!” Jungwoo squeaked. “Because… if it was… it would be like that movie! My Best Friend’s Wedding! Julia Roberts was the best man, and she was in love with the groom, and she had a gay best friend, like me!” Jungwoo started bouncing and singing. “The moment I wake up! Before I put on my make up. I say a little prayer for you. Forever! And ever! You stay in my heart, and I will love you! Forever and ever! We never will part and how I love you! Together! Forever! That’s how it must be to live without you would only mean heartbreak for meeeeeeeeee!”

By the time Jungwoo finished, everyone left in the strip club was staring at them. Even Mark and Jaemin had wandered back from wherever they’d been hiding, and red-eyed Johnny was back in view.

Jaehyun stood up, dumping Jungwoo off his lap.

“Let’s get out of here,” he announced.

*

Jaehyun expected everyone to pass out on the bus, but they were still awake, chatting about the night.

“I got Sicily’s phone number,” Ten said, holding up a napkin. “I think she’ll be great for my next music video. The moves on that woman are dangerous.”

“Networking at a strip club,” Yuta said, nodding. “Impressive.”

“Darling, that’s why they were made!”

Jaehyun sat next to Johnny, who rested his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“How are you feeling?” Jaehyun asked, sliding his hand over to pat Johnny’s thigh, his phone in the other hand. He was completing the online check in for the Airbnb as they were on their way over.

“I’m fine,” Johnny grunted, seemingly half-dead.

Jaehyun opened his mouth to say something else when his phone chirped with a new text message.

“Who’s that?” Johnny asked, suddenly alive. He snatched the phone out of Jaehyun’s hand before Jaehyun could react. It was unlocked, so Johnny was able to tap on the text notification.

“Tatiana!” Johnny announced, gaining the attention of everyone. “She’s texting you at the ass-crack of dawn. What could she want?” Johnny laughed. Jaehyun felt something tighten in the center of his chest.

“’Jay, just wanted to make sure you survived the night,’” Johnny read out loud to everyone. “I was thinking about y—”

Jaehyun stood up and snatched his phone out of Johnny’s hand mid-sentence. Then he shoved Johnny so hard, Johnny fell off his seat and hit the back of his head against the side of the bus.

“Whoa!” Taeyong said. Yuta jumped to his feet at the same time. Jaehyun felt everyone staring at him.

Johnny stared up at Jaehyun from the floor with wide eyes, his hand cradling the back of his head, breathing hard.

“Dude, are you okay?” Mark called.

“Fuck you,” Johnny said, still staring up at Jaehyun.

“Well, well, well,” Ten said. “What did I miss!”

Jaehyun wanted to jump out the side door.

Instead, he closed his eyes.

The bus bumped over another large pothole and Jaehyun nearly lost his footing. He would have gone down if it wasn’t for strong hands grabbing his waist securely.

Yuta.

Jaehyun’s eyes were still closed. He couldn’t see him. He refused to open them. But he could smell him. He could feel his presence.

Yuta’s touch had always felt good enough to hurt.

“We’ve all had a lot to drink tonight,” Taeyong said. “Let’s… go to sleep. Johnny… Jungwoo, help me.”

Jaehyun kept his eyes closed, trying not to listen to the commotion as they struggled to get drunk Johnny back into his seat.

Jaehyun didn’t open his eyes again until they got to the Airbnb.

Yuta didn’t let him go.

*

The apartment had five bedrooms. Taeyong put Johnny to bed. Mark and Jaemin quickly disappeared in another room. Doyoung decided to bunk with Jungwoo. Ten claimed a room of his own and slammed the door.

Jaehyun hid out in the kitchen, drinking a large glass of water. He didn’t care about securing a room. He stayed in there until all the sounds of getting ready for bed had faded and everything was quiet.

This was why Jaehyun stayed away, even though it hurt.

He was better off being alone.

Jaehyun took a deep breath and let it out his nose when he was finally ready. He stepped out of the kitchen expecting to see all the doors closed.

Instead, he saw Yuta on the couch, with a pillow, under a blanket.

Jaehyun stumbled to take a step back in the kitchen, but Yuta caught him, craning his neck back with a sweet smile.

“Told you I’d give you the bed tonight,” Yuta said.

Jaehyun stood there.

“Don’t make me fight you.” Yuta was still smiling. “You can take Johnny, but you can’t take me.” Jaehyun knew it was a joke but he wasn’t laughing.

Yes, Jaehyun was better off alone.

But he was so sick of it.

“Come with me,” Jaehyun whispered.

Yuta didn’t say anything.

“Please,” Jaehyun said, this time his voice steady. Normal.

Yuta pushed the blanket back and slowly stood up.

“Of course,” Yuta said.

It wasn’t hard to pick out which room was free. The door was wide open, lit by a window with the blinds open. They had a view of tall buildings bleeding out towards the Chicago River.

Yuta stood just inside the doorway.

Jaehyun was too deep into American life after 10 days because he still had his shoes on. He kicked them off into a random corner. He pulled off his sweaty shirt with a sigh.

He unzipped his jeans.

He turned around when he was in his underwear.

Yuta was still standing there. Watching him.

Jaehyun stared back at him. He didn’t know how long they stood there like that.

“You’re so beautiful,” Yuta said. His voice was just as hushed, just as awed as it was that night. Prom night. 12 years ago.

Jaehyun didn’t say anything. He couldn’t.

What would happen if Jaehyun allowed himself to admit the truth?

Why didn’t Yuta text back when he said he was single?

Was it all still a joke? Even now?

A joke that had ruined Jaehyun’s life.

Jaehyun turned away first. He stepped over to the bed and got under the covers. He curled up on his side, away from the window, away from Yuta’s beautiful eyes.

Jaehyun waited for Yuta to say something, but he didn’t.

Jaehyun kept his eyes closed, the city lights spilling through the window and causing bright spots to dance along the insides of Jaehyun’s eyelids until he heard Yuta snap the blinds shut.

*

Jaehyun hadn’t planned the bachelor party, but he did plan the morning after. He had a breakfast delivery scheduled and a clothing delivery but first… coffee. Jaehyun made sure there was coffee. Lots of coffee.

He got up and put on his shirt as soon as his phone buzzed with the first delivery— three, piping hot Starbucks coffee carafes and plenty of sugar and creamer for the people who were into that stuff.

Jaehyun hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep. He was used to that.

When he left the room, Yuta was still sleeping under the covers, flat on his back with one arm draped over his eyes. Jaehyun hoped his arm wouldn’t fall asleep in that position. He was tempted to touch him. To move him.

He didn’t.

They hadn’t touched all night.

It was a lazy morning. Jaehyun didn’t see anyone for a full hour as he sat in the kitchen, sipping his coffee and making sure the deliveries were on their way.

Mark and Jaemin were the first to emerge, arms around each other. Jaehyun smiled the best he could.

“Morning, Jaehyun!” Mark said, cheerfully.

“There was a telescope in our room,” Jaemin said, hopping up on the counter. “It was pretty incredible. We saw a shooting star.”

“Oh, so that’s why you two scampered so quickly into a bedroom,” Ten said, strolling into the kitchen behind him, wearing just his underwear, unlike Jaemin and Mark who were dressed in their clothes from last night. “Never would have guessed.”

Jaemin chuckled while Mark turned bright red.

Ten leaned over the counter and looked at Jaehyun with a pout. “Just coffee? Where’s the cocaine?”

Jaehyun shook his head, amused. “Fresh out.”

“I have such a headache.” Ten whined, pressing his forehead against the counter with a whine. “I’m getting old. I can’t believe I have a hangover.”

“Cocaine helps?” Mark wondered.

“Yes, honey.” Ten widened his eyes at Mark. “You’ve never tried it?”

Jaehyun poured Ten a cup of coffee and shoved all the sugar and creamer towards him.

Jungwoo bounded into the kitchen a little bit later, followed by Doyoung, who was wearing only a towel.

“I needed to shower,” Doyoung said.

Ten’s mouth dropped open. “Oh? What happened last night?”

Jungwoo giggled, dropping down into one of the kitchen chairs.

Doyoung narrowed his eyes at Ten. “We went to a strip club,” he said, dryly.

“Uh-huh….” Ten said, his mouth wide open.

“I ordered clothes…” Jaehyun said, gesturing at the coffee.

“Doyoung wins the jealousy game!” Ten sing-songed.

Jaehyun checked his phone just as the Ring doorbell chimed through the apartment. Jaehyun got up to meet the Postmates delivery person at the door, but Yuta was already walking across the apartment with bags in his hands.

“You think of everything, Mr. Best Man,” Yuta said, holding up the bags from Target. They were full of sweats and underwear and slippers. But Jaehyun didn’t care about the bags.

Jaehyun stared. Yuta was only in his underwear, but it was a much different view than Ten. Jaehyun was used to all of Ten’s tattoos. He hadn’t seen Yuta’s before. He’d been lying on his side eyes closed last night. He didn’t see Yuta get undressed.

He was looking at him now.

The butterfly tattoo caught his eye first. It was so bright and lively, jutting out above his hip, so detailed that it looked like the butterfly was actually about to fly away. There was another tattoo on his other hip, mostly covered by the waist band of his Calvin Klein briefs.

A blue piercing glittered in the center of his belly button.

His black briefs were snug around his hips and thighs… and other places.

Yuta’s whole bare torso was defined and tight.

Jaehyun wasn’t sure he was breathing.

Maybe Yuta didn’t notice him staring. Maybe he did. But he didn’t say anything. He smiled at Jaehyun and then walked past him, into the kitchen.

“Oh, I know someone who needs clothes!” Jaehyun heard Ten’s teasing voice rise above the others. Jaehyun stood in the hallway. He needed a moment to himself.

A door creaked open down the hall. Taeyong peeked his head out, followed by Johnny, who was half-slumped over and squinty-eyed.

“We didn’t bring a change of clothes,” Taeyong said, meeting Jaehyun in the hallway and wrinkling his nose. “I just realized that.”

Jaehyun pointed towards the kitchen. “I just had some delivered. It’s just sweats and underwear and stuff.”

Taeyong clapped his hands together with a grateful sigh. “Perfect.” He hurried towards the kitchen. Jaehyun glanced up at Johnny. He was staring into space. Jaehyun gestured for Johnny to go ahead of him until Johnny got the picture.

“Well, well, well,” Ten said, as Jaehyun followed Johnny into the kitchen. “Look who the cat dragged in. I have the worst hangover, too. I’m about to hit myself in the head with this coffee mug.”

Doyoung dug down to the bottom of one of the Target bags he was rifling through and came up with a box of Tylenol. Jaehyun had forgotten he’d ordered that, too. Doyoung tossed it at Ten. It hit the counter and skittered across it before it hit the ground.

“Don’t throw stuff at me,” Ten growled.

“You’re supposed to catch.” Doyoung grabbed some clothes and quickly left the kitchen.

“One more sleep until Johnny’s big day!” Taeyong said, cheerfully while rifling through another bag for some clothes of his own. “I’m so excited. This is going to be the best wedding of my life. Johnny and Charli will look amazing.”

Jaehyun glanced over at Johnny. He didn’t look amazing now. He was sitting on one of the stools in front of the breakfast bar with his head in his hands. Jaehyun poured him a cup of coffee and slid it over to him, but he didn’t touch it.

“Does Johnny need cocaine?” Mark stage-whispered.

Johnny tipped his head back with a groan. “Shut the fuck up, Mark!” he said, his tone way harsher than the situation called for.

Mark looked down at the kitchen floor. Jaemin slid off the counter and grabbed Mark’s hand.

“Let’s get dressed,” he said to his boyfriend. Jungwoo had already found clothes, so he went to change. Mark and Jaemin left with a bag. The kitchen emptied out.

“Breakfast will be here in a half-hour,” Jaehyun called to everyone.

Yuta gave Jaehyun a sympathetic look as he stepped into a pair of sweatpants.

Ten poked Johnny’s side. “I know the hangover is nasty, but what is your problem?”

Johnny looked up. Jaehyun was surprised by the death glare Johnny aimed in his direction. “My head hurts because I was shoved into a door last night,” he said.

Ten snorted beside Johnny. “I’m surprised you remember…”

Jaehyun opened his mouth to say something, but his voice caught in his throat. He looked away.

“He didn’t mean it,” Taeyong said, quickly.

“Yes, he did.”

“Yes, I did…” Jaehyun surprised himself by saying. Johnny’s eyes narrowed even further.

“I could have picked from so many people to be my best man,” Johnny said. “Even though talking to you is like pulling teeth sometimes, I picked you. Because I thought you were my brother. But you ruined my whole night.”

Jaehyun couldn’t help the surprise laugh that burst out of him. He pressed his hand against his chest and stared at Johnny. Was he serious?

“You’re lucky I didn’t push you back,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun gave Johnny a look of pure disbelief and then snorted again. “Johnny, you could barely stand up,” he said.

“Hey!” Taeyong said. “Please… guys… don’t fight. We were all too drunk last night. Come on… you didn’t mean it, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun rubbed the back of his neck and sniffed.

He remembered Johnny snatching his phone out of his hand and reading Tatiana’s text message.

He remembered Alyssa reading his note to Yuta aloud to the whole school.

Johnny was there. Johnny had to remember the way every was laughing.

Yet, Johnny thought it was okay to snatch his phone and read his private message out loud.

Jaehyun guessed that spoke to Johnny’s genuine read of the whole situation 12 years ago. A joke. High school drama.

Jaehyun looked up and noticed how Yuta was watching him, staring at him intently.

Yuta hadn’t laughed. But Yuta wasn’t there either. Yuta didn’t stick up for him.

No one did.

Jaehyun meant it.

“Johnny, can I talk to you?” Jaehyun said, quietly. “Outside.”

Johnny growled and sipped his coffee.

“Give him a few minutes, hon,” Taeyong said. Jaehyun grabbed a sweatshirt and swapped it out for his t-shirt. He went back to the bedroom and put on the same jeans and sneakers from last night. They were okay.

Yuta joined him in the doorway.

“Hey,” Yuta said. “Are you and Johnny okay?”

Jaehyun laughed a little. He met Yuta’s concerned look and shook his head. Then he headed past him, out the bedroom door, out the front door, not able to breathe until he was finally outside, and the cool October early morning air hit his lungs.

He sat down on the front steps of the apartment building, even though there was a huge fancy lobby where he could keep warm. It didn’t matter. He wanted to watch the sun slowly become brighter over the water.

It calmed him.

It took longer than a few minutes. Maybe more like a half hour. Maybe an hour. Jaehyun’s hands were half numb when Johnny finally came out of the building. He stepped down one step lower and sat at Jaehyun’s feet.

“Taeyong told me to give you this.” Johnny held up a beanie. Jaehyun had no idea where Taeyong got that from, but he was grateful. He pulled the beanie down over his ears.

“Your face is red,” Johnny murmured. He grabbed Jaehyun’s hands and held them between his own, rubbing them briskly.

Jaehyun sighed through his nose.

“Are you feeling better?” Jaehyun asked.

Johnny shrugged. “I drank coffee. I took some Tylenol. I threw up. I drank some more water. I took some more Tylenol. I’m alive.”

Jaehyun hummed.

They didn’t say anything for a few moments.

“Do you wanna take a walk?” Jaehyun asked.

Johnny nodded and gave Jaehyun’s hands a firm squeeze before letting them go. “Yeah, that would probably be good.”

Jaehyun liked this part of town. It was near where Johnny used to live. They crossed a busy road and then they walked onto the Riverwalk. Jaehyun headed to the right, towards Navy Pier. He used to run down this same path, weaving around strollers and dodging bikers. He liked to look towards the river and watch the waves crash against rocks and beach. Sometimes it was hard to believe that the water was just a river. It looked as vast and as deep and as dangerous as the ocean.

“I miss it here,” Jaehyun said, the words leaving his mouth before he could speak.

Johnny ducked his head and nodded. “Me too.”

They walked in silence. It wasn’t comfortable, more like loaded… waiting for something to happen. The wind whipped around them, coming off strong from the Chicago River. It was more than chilly along the Riverwalk. It was cold and they should have been wearing more than sweatshirts and sneakers. Johnny didn’t have a beanie, but he’d gotten one of the hoodies and his hood was up. Jaehyun took Johnny’s arm suddenly. They walked close together, Jaehyun matching Johnny’s strides.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun said, quietly. “Johnny hyung…”

Johnny glanced down at him.

Jaehyun took a deep breath. They walked even slower. “Um,” he said. “Are you… Johnny, are you happy? Do you… I’m worried. Do you want to get married?”

Jaehyun swallowed, not sure what was scarier—if Johnny yelled ‘yes’ right away or if he said nothing.

Johnny cleared his throat.

“I just—” Jaehyun barreled on. “I’ve been wondering because… you’ve been fighting with Charli a lot. I don’t know—you’re right, I don’t know anything about this, Johnny. But I know you and you’re not being yourself.”

Jaehyun closed his mouth and then peeked over at Johnny. He was staring straight ahead.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny whispered.

“I just want you to be happy,” Jaehyun said. Johnny turned to him in the middle of the path, their arms still linked together.

“It’s just harder than I thought,” Johnny said, quietly. “Honestly, Jae… sometimes I don’t know. I don’t know if I wanna marry her. Is that… terrible?”

He looked at Jaehyun like he was expecting an answer. But Jaehyun didn’t know either.

Jaehyun squeezed Johnny’s arm.

“I wanna tell you something,” Jaehyun whispered.

He tugged Johnny forward and they started walking again.

“Actually,” Johnny said. “All this cold air is helping my head.”

Jaehyun nodded. His head felt clearer, too.

That was another reason he felt like he could say this now.

“You know it’s Yuta’s 30^th birthday… on your wedding day,” Jaehyun said.

To his surprise, Johnny burst out laughing. “Of course, I know that,” Johnny said, turning to Jaehyun with brighter eyes. “I think he said I had to pay him off or something.”

Jaehyun smiled a little, thinking about the birthdays he shared with Yuta. When he turned 17 and then 18. It was crazy to think that was all the time they had together.

“Why are you thinking about Yuta’s birthday?” Johnny asked.

“Why didn’t you tell me you guys started talking again,” Jaehyun said. “And hanging out again. Johnny that… really bothers me.”

“Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun turned his head and met Johnny’s eyes again, blinking in the suddenly too-bright sunshine. The sun was getting stronger in the sky.

“Sometimes…” Johnny said. “Sometimes it feels like… I don’t know… I’m forcing you to be my friend. Sometimes, I don’t hear from you for weeks on end. I feel like I’m walking on…” He gestured towards the water. “You know, like a frozen lake and it’s gonna crack under my feet and drown me if I say the wrong thing. I was scared to tell you. I didn’t want you to stop talking to me like you did after I graduated high school.”

Jaehyun stopped in his tracks.

“I stopped talking to you?” Jaehyun repeated.

Johnny blinked at Jaehyun, standing beside him again. “Didn’t you?”

Jaehyun laughed a little. He blinked a few times. The wind was whipping up again, his eyes becoming a little teary.

“Do you remember what happened, Johnny?” Jaehyun asked. “With the note… that I gave to Yuta?”

“Yeah,” Johnny said, but Jaehyun didn’t believe him. It was obvious that he didn’t.

“I was dating Alyssa…”

“I know, Jaehyun, I was there. I remember. I remember how much Alyssa liked you. People couldn’t even give her shit about dating someone two years younger than her because she was so popular, and you were so cute. I mean, Alyssa could have had anyone, right? You were a lucky guy.”

Jaehyun bit his lower lip for a moment, glancing down at Johnny’s feet. A lucky guy…

“I mean, she was always dramatic, right?” Johnny continued. “But… it was a joke. She didn’t have to get so mad.”

Jaehyun took another deep breath. “Johnny, she read the note out loud on the news. Do you remember, Johnny? Everyone heard it….”

“I remember…” Johnny’s face softened a bit, a different expression coming over him. “I… think I do. Jae, what am I getting wrong about this?”

Jaehyun was surprised that Johnny asked the question. The real question. There was a bench not to far from them. He needed to sit down. Johnny followed and they sat close together on the wooden bench, facing the river. They were near the docks, so the water was extra choppy, flinging itself against an outcropping of rocks over and over again. Jaehyun leaned against Johnny. He was shaking. Johnny wrapped his arms around him and held him close.

“The letter I wrote Yuta?” Jaehyun said softly, with his eyes closed. “It wasn’t a joke, Johnny. I meant it. I really loved him.”

*

Prom night started at Johnny’s house. All major events in their life did. Jaehyun didn’t know what he would do without Mrs. Suh to help him buy a suit, buy a corsage for Alyssa, and even arrange for him to go to the salon to get his hair done. The stylist gave him a trim and swept it up and back until he looked so grown-up and sophisticated that he didn’t even recognize himself.

Johnny was cheesing beside him, grinning and staring at himself in the mirror. He’d dyed his hair blonde. He looked good and he knew it.

“Yah, Johnny,” Mrs. Suh said, when she came to pick them up. “Stop staring at yourself. You have such an ego.”

“Ma!” Johnny said, craning his head back to look at her over the back of his chair. “Look at me! I look hot!”

She scoffed fondly and swatted his shoulder. Mrs. Suh reached over, giving Jaehyun’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Jaehyun-ah,” she said. “You look so handsome.”

Jaehyun smiled, shyly. He didn’t want to stare at himself in the mirror like Johnny was. Jaehyun wasn’t sure he liked this whole prom thing.

He didn’t feel like himself.

For one thing, the Chicago International School only had one prom. Senior prom. Only seniors could sign themselves off campus and freely leave school if they were boarding students. The only reason underclassmen could go off campus was if they had a parent or designee sign them out in person. Mrs. Suh was the designee for Jaehyun. That’s why he could always follow Johnny, Yuta and Taeyong wherever they went during their senior year.

But he left his fellow sophomores behind.

The other thing was that he didn’t know what a big deal prom was. Not until Alyssa kept hounding him about it. Johnny filled him in as well. Jaehyun had to plan a Promposal. He did it in the middle of a soccer game, speaking over a mic. After he was blushing all night from the attention but at least Alyssa seemed to like it. Then there was the endless planning. Pre-party at Johnny’s house. Professional photographer. Limo. The prom was at the Ritz-Carlton in downtown Chicago. Then the after-prom parties upstairs in the hotel.

He and Alyssa had their own hotel room.

Mrs. Suh didn’t know. She had gotten them all a suite to share—Jaehyun, Johnny, Taeyong and Yuta. Not the girlfriends. Johnny said what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. Johnny was excited. Jaehyun had already heard what he and his girlfriend were planning to do in graphic detail. Johnny asked Jaehyun if he wanted to talk about his night with Alyssa, but Jaehyun dodged the question every time. Johnny teased him for being shy.

The truth was that Jaehyun was terrified.

He knew it wasn’t a normal reaction. He was 16 years old. He should want to have sex with his very pretty, older girlfriend on prom night. Right? They hadn’t had sex before. It was difficult to get time alone for that, though plenty of boarders broke the co-ed rules. Jaehyun was a rule follower. It kept them from going too far, though he could tell that Alyssa was getting bored. She wasn’t a virgin. Jaehyun knew that fact from multiple sources, although she had never personally mentioned it before.

They didn’t talk about sex, besides in moments when they were making out and Alyssa’s hand traveled way too far up his thigh. Jaehyun knew it was expected of him. Maybe every guy was this nervous before their first time. Jaehyun hadn’t found the courage to ask Johnny yet.

And he wasn’t going to ask now.

Not in Johnny’s room while they were getting ready with Yuta and Taeyong.

Even though he was firmly part of the group, Jaehyun still felt like a baby around them sometimes.

Especially during moments like this.

“Awwwww, look at you!” Taeyong cooed as soon as he came into Johnny’s room and hurried over to where Jaehyun was adjusting his pink tie in front of the mirror. He wrapped his arms around Jaehyun from behind. “You’re so beautiful! Alyssa’s gonna flip.”

Jaehyun smiled self-consciously, his face burning pink with yet another blush.

“Does anybody else feel like this whole night is already bullshit?” Yuta asked. Jaehyun looked back at him. Yuta gave him a smile.

The same smile that made Jaehyun feel warm all over and knocked the breath right out of him.

“Mikayla giving you shit?” Johnny asked, called from his bathroom. He’d been in there for a while, but Jaehyun had no idea what he was doing.

Yuta held up his phone and read in a dramatic voice, “The corsage is supposed to be amethyst, not purple!” He dropped his phone on the carpet with a groan. “What the fuck?”

“She gave you the link, Yuta,” Taeyong said.

“The corsage in that link cost like 200 bucks! What’s the difference between amethyst and purple? Tell me! Amethyst is not even a color!”

Yuta dropped down on the bed. Jaehyun went to sit beside him. Yuta groaned but when he looked at Jaehyun again, he was smiling. Jaehyun smiled back.

Being near Yuta always made him feel better.

Yuta was holding the corsage box in his hands. He opened the plastic with a loud crack.

“It’ll look better on you,” Yuta said. He grabbed Jaehyun’s hand. Yuta’s hands were warm and gentle. He slipped the corsage over Jaehyun’s wrist.

“Beautiful,” Yuta declared. He brought Jaehyun’s hand to his lips and gave Jaehyun’s knuckles a kiss.

Jaehyun couldn’t stop blushing.

“You’re really not going to give it to her?” Taeyong asked, sitting at Johnny’s desk.

“She keeps bitching that I got the wrong one. Why would I?”

Taeyong shook his head.

Jaehyun felt emptier when Yuta let his hand go.

“Gentleman,” Johnny said, emerging from his bathroom. He held up a box. “Condoms?”

“No thanks. I don’t like them,” Yuta said. He yelped when Taeyong came over to punch his arm. “I’m kidding!”

“What were you doing in there, Johnny?” Taeyong asked.

“Shaving,” Johnny said. “Nicole requested it.”

Yuta laughed. “You’re so dumb doing it on the night of.”

“Why?” Johnny looked perplexed. “I’ve never done it before.”

Yuta snorted out another laugh and rolled his eyes. Jaehyun had no idea why Yuta was laughing but he laughed, too. It was always fun to laugh at Johnny with Yuta.

Johnny made a face before handing out condoms. Taeyong declined. Yuta took a couple with a smirk. Johnny shoved a handful in Jaehyun’s hands. The corners of the foil packets bit into the skin on the palm of his hands.

“Gonna be the greatest night of our lives!” Johnny declared. Jaehyun didn’t know what to do with all the condoms. He ended up slipping a couple in his pocket and left the rest on top of Johnny’s dresser.

The girls showed up a little while later. Yuta did save the corsage from Jaehyun’s wrist and gave it to Mikayla after all.

Jaehyun was disappointed.

But Jaehyun didn’t want to let Alyssa down. It was her senior prom. It was important to her. He wanted to make sure it was perfect for her. He posed exactly how she wanted for the pictures. He pulled her chair out for her during their fancy dinner. They took photos at prom, first thing. He danced to all the songs she wanted. He sat when she wanted. He got her water and punch and snacks and found her friends and held her purse. He stood with her, holding her hands as she held her breath, everyone waiting for the big announcement.

“The 2013 Chicago International School senior prom king and queen are…” the principal paused dramatically at the front of the ballroom, on the DJ stage. “Johnny Suh and Alyssa Martin!”

Jaehyun burst into excited applause, looking at his girlfriend with a very real feeling of pride burning in his chest. She barely looked at him as she bolted up front to accept her crown along with Johnny. They had to dance together as king and queen. Jaehyun thought it was sort of poetic. His best friend and his girlfriend dancing together as prom royalty.

But after she won the crown, Alyssa wouldn’t shut up about it.

She was barely around after that, too caught up in her own celebrity. Jaehyun felt bored. Besides Johnny, Yuta and Taeyong, he wasn’t really close with other seniors, even though he was technically part of the popular senior clique. They didn’t care about him. Why would they? Jaehyun felt awkward and out of place, standing on the sidelines.

Then Yuta came over and asked him to go outside for a smoke.

Jaehyun felt like his whole night, maybe his whole life, was changed after that dance. The way he felt when he was in Yuta’s arms like that, swaying to the music…

It was how he wanted to feel all the time.

The feeling didn’t leave him when the dance finally ended. When they went upstairs to the suite that Mrs. Suh had gotten them. Johnny’s suite was the unofficial headquarters for after prom. There was drinking but Jaehyun stayed away from alcohol. He watched Alyssa drink. He half-hoped she’d forgot about the private hotel room that they had waiting.

She didn’t.

It turned out Jaehyun didn’t need condoms. Alyssa had plenty of her own. Jaehyun watched her take off her own clothes.

“It’s too bad you’re not a senior,” Alyssa said. “You look way better than Johnny. His nose makes him look like a dog sometimes. I wish I didn’t have to take pictures with him.”

She rolled her eyes. Jaehyun felt a little funny. He knew he should defend Johnny, but he didn’t say anything.

He didn’t say much when he was around Alyssa.

He wasn’t sure why she liked him. He wasn’t sure he liked her. It was just the thing to do. When the most popular senior girl in school was interested in him and all his friends told him to go for it, how could he say no?

He told himself that now. How could he say no? He asked himself the question as they were kissing. He told himself to be into it. To enjoy himself. This was fun. This was a great night.

He told himself to stop thinking about Yuta.

But he couldn’t.

He jumped when Alyssa palmed his crotch. He hadn’t even gotten his dress shirt off. He pulled away and looked at her annoyed face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I can’t.”

He left without saying anything else. He left without telling anyone, not even Johnny.

Instead, he sat in the lobby and called Mrs. Suh to pick him up.

She did, no questions asked.

Luckily it was Sunday after prom. Mrs. Suh wanted to take Jaehyun back to the house, but he had her drop him off at his dorm. He spent Sunday, squirreled away in his room, not answering his phone, or talking to anyone except when Mrs. Suh texted him to check if he was okay.

He sat at his desk for a long time.

That’s when Jaehyun wrote the note.

He was prepared for Alyssa to break up with him on Monday. She hadn’t texted him at all after he left the hotel room on prom night. Maybe that’s what gave him the courage.

He slipped the note into Yuta’s locker.

He didn’t know what he wanted from the note. All he knew was that he needed to get these feelings off his chest. He needed someone to know.

He trusted Yuta.

He didn’t expect what happened next.

The whole day, Yuta didn’t say anything to him. Even at soccer practice. At least, nothing outside of the usual, like when Yuta told every guy on the team nice job after practice.

The next day, everything changed.

Jaehyun walked from his dorms to the main school building by himself, like usual. He headed to his locker, like usual. He was about to go find Johnny in the parking lot, like usual, when Nicole and Mikayla walked over to him. They were Alyssa’s friends, Yuta and Johnny’s girlfriends, but that didn’t mean they were Jaehyun’s friends. He didn’t think he had ever spoken to them alone before.

Jaehyun flatted himself back against his locker and looked at them. They stared back.

“Yes?” Jaehyun finally asked, breaking the silence.

Nicole scoffed. “I can’t believe we were so wrong about you, Jay. Explains a lot.”

They both sneered at him before leaving.

Jaehyun still had no idea what was going on.

Then Alyssa, head newscaster on Chicago International School Daily News, sat in front of the camera on the live broadcast morning news and read his note to Yuta out loud. To the entire school.

Jaehyun couldn’t breathe.

The worst part wasn’t people laughing at him. The worst part wasn’t the whispers when he walked in the room. The worst part wasn’t the sneaky sneers in his direction that sounded like ‘loser’ or worse, slurs that Jaehyun had only heard on TV. The worst part wasn’t the hooting when he walked in the soccer team locker room and the blatant teasing from his teammates about how he wanted to maaaaaaaaaarrrry their captain.

The worst part was that no one was there.

Jaehyun texted Johnny.

“It’s just a joke, right?” Johnny said, in passing in the hallway. “Alyssa’s just pissed at you. I heard how you left her in the hotel room. What’s up with that?” Everyone was watching them. Jaehyun could feel their eyes. Jaehyun knew Johnny felt it, too. The Prom King. “Jaehyun, I gotta go.”

Johnny started avoiding him.

Taeyong was already doing half-days at school, getting ready to leave early to start a special program at the Fashion Institute of Technology. Jaehyun barely saw him. When he talked to Taeyong on the phone, Taeyong sounded so sorry for him that Jaehyun could hardly stand it.

Then there was Yuta.

“Yuta,” Jaehyun said, frantically, once he finally got Yuta alone after soccer practice, after the incident. They were on the far side of the field. Yuta had a soccer ball in his hands. “How did they get the note? Did you—?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Yuta said, cutting him off. There was no hint of the tenderness they shared while dancing at prom. No kind smile or secret smirk. There was a different look on Yuta’s face now. Jaehyun wasn’t sure what that look meant. Was Yuta annoyed? “It’s not a big deal. It’ll blow over.”

Jaehyun opened his mouth, realizing that Yuta hadn’t commented on what the note said. “Uh—Yuta…”

“Just ignore them,” Yuta said, quickly. “Keep your head down.”

Jaehyun kept his head down. He didn’t have any other choice. But it didn’t matter. He could hear them talking about him. There were so many rumors. He liked to wear panties. He was constantly offering blow jobs to guys on the soccer team. He’d hooked up with the principal. He paid for school by posting prostitute ads on BackPage. Someone even made a fake video of him having sex with a guy. It was obviously fake. It was horrible manipulated.

They spread it around anyway.

The rumors wouldn’t stop. He tricked Alyssa into dating him so he could have a beard and wasted her entire senior year on purpose. Not only was Jaehyun gay, he was a cheater. Yuta was just one name on a long list of men that Jaehyun had cheated with. He was manipulative. He was a liar. He was scum. He cheated on the most popular girl in the school.

Jaehyun’s life had turned into a nightmare.

It was a conservative school. There was only one way to fit in. Be good looking. Be in the right classes. Be in the right social circles. Play sports. Date someone good looking. Of the opposite sex. Jaehyun knew the rules. He’d noticed the few that didn’t fit in, who lurked among the shadows. He didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought it was easy. He thought anyone who didn’t fit in just wasn’t trying hard enough.

He was wrong.

Jaehyun used to walk through the hallways and wave to people, exchange hellos. He felt part of the school. He felt like he had a place with his friends.

Suddenly, that was over.

The seniors graduated four weeks after prom. Jaehyun knew it was a busy time. They had finals and projects and graduation preparation and college deposits. Jaehyun got it. But he still didn’t understand why Johnny was ignoring his calls and not texting him back. He kept trying anyway.

“Oh my God,” Jaehyun heard someone say in the cafeteria. “I can’t believe Johnny was friends with that gay Jay guy. We should have known. He’s way too pretty.” They laughed.

It felt like the whole school was laughing at him. At who Jaehyun really was.

He didn’t want to be that person anymore.

Jaehyun sat next to Johnny’s parents at graduation, slumped down in the bleachers, keeping his head low. He hoped that no one would notice him.

It didn’t work.

It never worked.

He could hear them. He could always hear them.

Jaehyun told himself to be rational. It would all die down. Soon, this gossip would be old news.

But it didn’t happen.

Maybe something in him snapped when he saw Yuta again after graduation. Maybe he realized he had nothing to lose. He ran over to Yuta suddenly and grabbed his arm. He pulled him away from the group of people he was chatting with, everyone in graduation cap and gowns. Everyone’s their eyes were on him. For once, Jaehyun didn’t care.

“Yuta!” Jaehyun said. “Why… why haven’t you said anything to me? Why haven’t you said anything about… the note?”

Yuta looked at him for a moment, Jaehyun saw it. The old Yuta. His Yuta. The one that slipped a corsage on his wrist and told him that he was beautiful. The one he used to talk to late at night when he couldn’t sleep until they’d just breathe together.

The Yuta that Jaehyun fell in love with.

Yuta’s eyes were so soft. Jaehyun finally felt the breath returning to his body.

He wanted to kiss Yuta.

Then Yuta pulled away.

“Jaehyun,” he said in a low voice. He stared at Jaehyun intensely for a few seconds. Then he glanced to his side at the crowd that was watching them.

It was growing.

“It was a joke, okay?” Yuta said, firmly. His voice was louder now. “I thought it was funny. You didn’t mean it. You’re not like that. Forget it.”

Then he turned away and walked back towards the crowd.

Jaehyun could hear their snickers. Their laughter.

After that, Jaehyun knew he was alone.

He knew what Yuta was trying to do. He was telling Jaehyun the rules. Yuta didn’t love him. He pitied him. He was trying to save him. He told Jaehyun to take it back. That was the only way out of this mess. So Jaehyun willed himself to believe it. He willed himself to forget. He wasn’t “like that.” He couldn’t be like that. Not in this school. Not ever.

School was never the same. It was never comfortable. Jaehyun didn’t find another friend group. He quit the soccer team after the harassment wouldn’t quit. He kept to himself. He did his work. He stayed in his dorm. He didn’t have Mrs. Suh sign him out anymore. When his parents called, he told them everything was fine. He liked school.

The rumors died down. They never went away.

There was always someone around to tell the funny story of how the most popular girl in school accidentally dated a gay guy who was a secret porn star who cheated on her. They posted the news clip on YouTube. It didn’t go viral or anything, but it was a favorite link for CIS students.

Jaehyun didn’t go to his senior prom.

He didn’t reconnect with Johnny until he started going to UChicago and they slowly became close again. As close as Jaehyun would allow. Once again, Johnny pulled him into his friend group. It was better now. They had lost those high school superficialities. Their friends started to come out. Even Johnny came out. Jaehyun knew it should have been different. He should have felt comfortable with them again. Safe. He didn’t have to lie to himself anymore.

He did it anyway.

He still told himself that he wasn’t “like that.” He couldn’t be. He’d told himself that for so long that he couldn’t let it go. He was afraid. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to survive a next time. So he couldn’t tell the truth about himself to his closest friends.

He could barely tell himself.

Now, Jaehyun realized that no one truly knew him. Not even Johnny.

That’s why he was so lonely.

It hurt every day.

Jaehyun realized that not being honest with his friends and with himself hurt every day.

Jaehyun didn’t know how long he talked. Sometimes, he didn’t feel like he was in his body. But on that bench, on that chilly October day one day before Yuta’s birthday and Johnny’s wedding, with Johnny’s arms around him, Jaehyun told Johnny everything. He talked about everything that happened in high school. Everything he’d been feeling. How he’d held himself back since he was 16 years old.

He told Johnny the truth.

Maybe they were both crying when Jaehyun finished talking or maybe it was just the wind, harsh, stinging, and cold, whipping across their bare face. Jaehyun pressed his face against Johnny’s hoodie to shield himself from everything.

“Oh my God,” Johnny said, sniffing. “I… I admit, Jaehyun. I… stayed away from you… I was like, fuck, it’s my senior year. I don’t need all this drama with you and Alyssa and all that shit. I was like, it’s no big deal. It’s not going to last. It was really intense. I fucked up, Jaehyun. I should have… checked in with you. I should have said something. I should have said more. I should have stayed by your side. I should have comforted you. I should have known… you don’t make jokes like that.”

Johnny took a shaky breath. “I was so fucking selfish and only thinking about myself. I don’t know why I believed it didn’t affect you. It must have been a lie I told myself. And I believed it until now. But how could I believe it? Even now? I’m 30 fucking years old. I know our school was fucked up. The kids were harsh. They were like sharks. They seek to destroy. I saw it happen before. I was part of it before. God, Jaehyun… maybe that’s why I turned a blind eye. I knew it could get so ugly. I knew those kids. I knew them better than you. I’m sorry, Jaehyun. I left you alone. We all left you alone.”

Jaehyun clutched Johnny tighter.

“Did you tell Yuta this?”

Jaehyun shook his head.

“What are you going to say?”

Jaehyun sniffed himself and pulled away just enough to meet Johnny’s eyes. They were red, but not like last night. He was happy to have Johnny with him again. Fully present.

His true best friend.

“It’s Yuta’s 30^th birthday tomorrow,” Jaehyun said. “He already asked me if I’m single…” Jaehyun laughed a little. He closed his eyes as Johnny roughly wiped the tears off his face with his cold hand. “So… I’m going to tell him that I love him, I guess.”

“Steal my big day, huh?” Jaehyun laughed at the teasing in Johnny’s voice. “I guess I owe you.”

“You do.” Jaehyun pushed Johnny’s hood back so he could look at him better. Johnny still had the same face he had in high school (it didn’t make him look like a dog) only more mature and handsome now. The same golden eyes. Only a few people got to make a friend for life. Jaehyun felt so lucky that he was one of them.

He wanted to start feeling good about his life again. He wanted to start to live it.

“You know what I really want? How you can make it up to me?” Jaehyun said, softly. “I want you to figure out if you want to get married, Johnny. I want you to really enjoy it. I want it to be the happiest day of your life. I want you to love Charli the hardest you can love her, and I want her to love you back. I want you to be sure. It’s your life. Tell me you’re sure, Johnny. All these bad moods and fights… is it just nerves or something else?”

Johnny sniffed, looking at the water again before turning to Jaehyun with a warm smile.

“I guess we have homework to do,” Johnny said.

*

Charli had a binder.

One of Charli and Johnny’s engagement photos were on the front. They had them done on Navy Pier. The binder cover was the picture of the two of them in front of the Ferris Wheel, Charli hiked up high on Johnny’s back, both of them making funny faces. That’s how they were in college. A funny couple. Charli always brought out Johnny’s goofy side and his softer side.

Jaehyun hoped Johnny remembered that.

It was the morning of Johnny’s wedding.

Johnny wasn’t at his house. Neither was Charli. Jaehyun hadn’t seen the soon-to-be-newlyweds since the previous afternoon. He hoped that wherever they went, they were working it out.

They hadn’t called off the wedding yet.

So everyone was in go mode.

Which was why Jaehyun was staring at the binder upside down, sitting across from Tatiana at the kitchen table. It was seven in the morning and Jaehyun hadn’t gotten much sleep, but he felt wide awake.

He’d had the bed to himself that night.

When he and Johnny had returned to the Airbnb after their talk on the Riverwalk, Yuta was already gone. He sent Johnny a text that he got a room at the Westin like he should have in the first place, and he’d see Johnny at the wedding.

Yuta hadn’t texted Jaehyun.

He’d been staring at his phone since midnight. Which was why Jaehyun didn’t get any sleep.

Yuta was officially 30 years old.

“Okay,” Tatiana said, pointing at the schedule in the binder. “The shuttle to the wedding venue will be here at noon. We should start getting people up soon, right? And start breakfast?”

Jaehyun nodded. He scanned the rest of the schedule. The wedding started at 3. The ceremony lasted for an hour. Two hours for transportation to the reception venue. A cocktail hour. Then the reception started at 7, just when it would be dark.

“Will you have enough time to get ready?” Jaehyun asked, glancing up at Tatiana. She smiled at him; her eyes slightly puffy. Jaehyun wondered if she had gotten enough sleep. “You could leave early. I can handle things until everyone in the house is on their way. Make sure everyone is comfortable when they get there. I know Charli’s grandma gets grumpy if she doesn’t have lunch.”

Tatiana smiled sweetly at him. “It would be good if I could get there earlier,” she admitted.

“I don’t have to do much to get ready,” Jaehyun said.

“Of course not,” Tatiana said with a laugh. “You’re so handsome.”

Her face changed then.

Jaehyun took a deep breath. “Tatiana,” he said. “There’s something you should know about me.”

Tatiana nodded, watching him from across the table.

“I’m gay,” Jaehyun said. Then he made a face because it was kind of cringey to say it like that. And, honestly, presumptuous but… there it was.

Tatiana raised her eyebrows for a second, then settled on a slightly confused smile. “Oh,” she said.

“Sorry, that was awkward,” Jaehyun said. “But, uh…”

Tatiana held up her hand. “No, I get it. Thanks for telling me.”

“No,” Jaehyun said, quickly. “I, uh… I wanted to say it because I haven’t always been… I don’t really share much about myself. With other people. I haven’t told Charli or anything I—”

“Seriously, I get it.” Tatiana laughed a little. “Because we’re maid of honor and best man… like we’re supposed to be this perfect couple. Yeah, it would be nice. You’re… I’ve really liked getting to know you these past couple of weeks, Jay.” Tatiana paused, her smile turning thoughtful. “But… I bet I would like getting to know the real you even better.”

Jaehyun smiled back, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. “Call me Jaehyun,” he said.

*

“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” the men’s dressing room in the back of the church erupted into cheers when Jaehyun finally walked through the door. It had been a lot of work, but he gotten all the family members from Johnny’s house loaded on the shuttle and safely transported to the wedding venue. Johnny and Charli were getting married in Johnny’s home church. From there, everyone would be transported to the reception in the Crystal Gardens at Navy Pier.

Jaehyun nodded at everyone and bowed with a cheesy grin. He was wearing his Team Groom hat.

“You made it!” Johnny said, sitting on a couch with Taeyong. “I was getting worried you were going to ditch me.”

“Never,” Jaehyun said, smiling at his best friend. He meant it. They still had a lot of catching up to do but they had time.

Taeyong breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness, the whole wedding party is here.”

“Jaehyun!” Mark said, hopping over to him to give him a hug. Ten waved from the vanity mirror he was sitting in front of.

“Let me do your make up,” Ten said. “The hair lady is coming by in like an hour. I don’t want her to touch mine. It’s already perfect.”

“Okay.” Jaehyun hugged Mark, looking around the room. There was food, beer, champagne, and water on a long table in the back. Everyone’s wedding suits were hung up, with Johnny’s tux in the middle. For now, they were chilling in casual clothes.

Jaehyun met Johnny’s eyes again and felt an overwhelming feeling of relief swell up in his chest.

Johnny looked brighter and happier than he had in days.

“So, what did you and Charli do last night?” Jaehyun asked. Ten scoffed, looking at Johnny over his shoulder.

“What do you think they did?” he quipped. Johnny chuckled.

“We had a really good talk,” Johnny said. “The wedding pressure… yeah, it was really getting to the both of us. But… Jaehyun, I’m glad you encouraged me to figure it out. It’s important to be honest with the people you love.”

Jaehyun nodded. He loosened his grip on Mark, but kept him right at his side.

“I love you, Johnny,” Jaehyun said. “I love all of you.” He looked at Mark, Ten and Taeyong in turn. “Mark and Ten, you don’t really know… but when I was in high school, I wrote Yuta a note that basically said I liked him, and we should get married if we were single when I was 30. Then my girlfriend at the time read it out loud to everyone in the school over the news.”

Ten snorted, covering his mouth. Taeyong shot him a look.

“Oh my God, that high school was such a nightmare,” Ten said. “I can’t imagine, Jaehyun. Jesus Christ. They’re such bullies. Why do you think I left?”

“I’m sorry, dude,” Mark said, hugging Jaehyun’s side and staring up at him with wide eyes

Jaehyun nodded. “It was hard. Honestly… it hurt me. It really, really hurt me.”

“Oh my God,” Taeyong said. He got up, crossing the room to Jaehyun, and giving him a hug himself.

“And I was no fucking help,” Johnny said.

“Me neither,” Taeyong said. “I left school early. It was right before we graduated.”

Jaehyun sighed a little. “Everyone told me I didn’t mean it. I told myself I didn’t mean it. But that’s a lie. I did.” Jaehyun smiled, even though everyone else in the room looked upset. “I loved Yuta and…I… still do. I’m gonna tell him tonight. It’s his 30^th birthday.”

“I’m so happy for you.” Taeyong grabbed Jaehyun’s face and pulled him down so he could kiss him there. “I know it’ll go well. You deserve this.”

“That’s so cool because, like, you always hear about people falling in love at weddings, right?” Mark said, enthusiastically.

“I say instead of doing your best man speech, you should propose,” Ten said with a wicked grin on his face. “You said get married at 30.”

“When Jaehyun’s 30!” Taeyong corrected.

Johnny laughed. “Whatever you need to do, whenever you need to do it, Jaehyun. Go for it.”

Jaehyun smiled, his heart filled with a warmth he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“It won’t be in front of everyone,” Jaehyun said. “This is Johnny’s day. But whatever I have with Yuta, I want it to be just between us. But I needed to tell you all. I need to be honest.”

Johnny got up and joined Mark and Taeyong, wrapping his arms around all three of them in a hug. Then Ten joined them, snickering as he pushed his way into the hug.

Jaehyun was in the middle, feeling safe and warm and loved.

They stayed like that for a long time.

*

Jaehyun felt surprisingly nervous standing with the wedding party. The wedding coordinator was flitting around, getting everyone in their places. Johnny was set to walk out first with his parents at his side. He looked so handsome in his tux. It remined Jaehyun of prom night, but way better and more important.

“Jaehyun-ah,” Mrs. Suh said, coming over to him. “I’m so happy you’re here. You are the younger brother I always wished I could give to Johnny. Thank you for supporting him. You are so beautiful, Jaehyun. I know you live far away from us now but don’t be a stranger to us.”

Jaehyun blushed, and glanced up at Johnny, who had obviously overheard. He was grinning.

“When is it Jaehyun’s turn to get married?” Mr. Suh asked, patting Jaehyun’s back.

“Give him a couple of years,” Johnny said, with a wink. “When he turns thirty.”

They had a string quartet at the front of the church. Jaehyun followed Johnny, walking down the aisle slowly. He didn’t know how many people were at Johnny’s wedding. Over 300, maybe closer to 500. All their eyes were on him. But there was only one set of eyes that Jaehyun was looking for.

Yuta sat in a middle aisle, near the center. Jaehyun found him right away. He was wearing a blue suit that looked amazing on him. Jaehyun met his eyes, easily. They smiled at each other.

It turned out that Yuta was searching for him, too.

Jaehyun took his place at the altar, right by Johnny’s side, his heart beating nervously. He didn’t know why it was so fast. He looked over to give Johnny a flustered smile.

Johnny’s eyes were locked on the back of the room.

The bridesmaids and groomsmen walked out next, paired side by side. Jaehyun didn’t realize what the string quartet was playing, but it was something classical and beautiful.

Everyone looked so beautiful. The bridesmaids wore black, strapless, sleek dresses with red sashes around their waist and the groomsmen were in black suits with a red skinny tie that Taeyong hand made for each of them. Jaehyun smiled at everyone as they came closer. Taeyong’s eyes were wide and proud. Mark looked like he was trying not to laugh. Ten strutted, enjoying the attention.

Tatiana walked out by herself, the last member of the wedding party before the ring bearer, flower girl and the bride. She held a small bouquet of white roses. Jaehyun watched her the entire time she walked down the aisle.

Jaehyun heard Johnny suck his breath in anticipation. There was a pause.

Jaehyun stepped behind Johnny, leaning over towards the bridal side where Tatiana stood at the head of the group, waiting for the bride.

“Tatiana,” Jaehyun whispered. She turned to him. “You look gorgeous.”

Tatiana gave him a surprised smile. “So do you,” she whispered back.

Jaehyun took her hand and gave it a squeeze before taking his place at Johnny’s side once again.

Then the music changed. The string quartet started playing Here Comes the Bride.

Everyone in the church stood.

Charli appeared through the double doors, standing in front of them all like a dream.

The children came first, marching to the music. The ring bearer made a beeline for Jaehyun, handing him the pillow with the rings without any fanfare before running to his waiting parents. The flower girl was adorable, dropping red rose petals, skipping and spinning, having the time of her life to everyone’s delight.

Then came Charli.

Jaehyun felt choked up and he wasn’t even marrying her. She looked beautiful. More than beautiful. Jaehyun didn’t have the words. Her dress was simple and elegant, draping over her body with sleek lines, lace over her arms and a long train. Her blonde hair was swept up and pinned neatly with the veil. She looked like royalty, a queen.

She looked like the perfect person to marry Johnny.

Jaehyun wondered how they could ever have any doubt. Everything in this moment felt meant to be.

Jaehyun finally tore his eyes away from Charli slowly walking down the aisle and peeked at Johnny. He was already crying. Jaehyun pulled a tissue out of his pocket and handed it to his best friend. The wedding coordinator told him to be prepared.

Johnny didn’t stop crying and it quickly became amusing for everyone. There were definite moments when everyone was crying. Jaehyun wiped under his eyes, so happy and proud for his friend and overwhelmed by the intense amount of love that was being poured into them from everyone in the room.

Jaehyun handed out rings when it was time. He had to chuckle at how much Johnny’s hands were shaking when he slipped the wedding ring on Charli’s hand after they said I do.

Their first kiss as husband and wife was so passionate that Jaehyun had to take a step back. He felt like he was too close to a very intimate moment.

“Ladies and Gentleman,” the officiant said. “I am pleased to introduce—for the very first time—Mr. and Mrs. John and Charlotte Suh!”

Jaehyun clapped until his hands hurt as Johnny and Charli walked back up the aisle, arm-in-arm, to cheers and celebration.

Everything was a whirlwind after that. The wedding party had to take pictures in every combination possible. Jaehyun dealt with some last-minute questions about the transportation for the guests. Fancy black wedding buses drove the wedding guests to the reception at Navy Pier.

Jaehyun didn’t catch his breath until he finally got to Crystal Gardens. He had no idea Navy Pier had a botanical garden and he’d been there plenty of times, but there it was, tucked not too far from the man action. Crystal Gardens was a botanical garden encased in a six-story glass atrium with a 50-foot arch ceiling. Chicago was so gray this time of the year, all the bright blooming leaves falling to the ground but inside the botanical garden, it was like a tropical summer paradise.

It was warm. Jaehyun had to take off his jacket. There were large palm trees and bright green lush foliage everywhere. Jaehyun looked up at all the twinkle lights, adding a touch of wonder the elegant reception decorations. There were huge fountains where the water looked like it was dancing.

The tables were impeccably set. Everything was decorated in the wedding colors of white, black and red. It looked like they were in a movie set for a wedding. Completely perfect.

The Navy Pier Ferris Wheel was framed elegantly through the glass walls, glowing not too far away in the background.

Cocktail hour was wine, beer and champagne served inside with a chance for guests to wander around Navy Pier and explore.

Jaehyun thought he would have more time, but every time he tried to check his phone, he found himself pulled in a different direction. Johnny had vastly undersold the responsibilities of a best man. Jaehyun’s attention was needed by someone nonstop.

Then the reception started. Jaehyun waited for his name to be announced as Jay Jung, but the DJ actually said Jaehyun right. He bowed and waved, going to take his seat at the table.

Johnny and Charli’s first dance was to Unforgettable by Nat King Cole. There were disposable cameras at all the tables, so wedding guests could take pictures and it would be a mystery until Johnny got them developed. Jaehyun picked up his camera while they danced and heard the audible click as he pushed the shutter.

Time moved fast and slow at the same time. Suddenly, it was time for Jaehyun to say his speech. He felt everyone’s eyes on him as he stood at the front of the room, surrounded by palm trees and an elegant fountain behind him. Situations like this used to make him nervous. Right now, he was feeling calm.

“I moved to America when I was 13 years old,” Jaehyun said, holding the mic with both hands. Most of Johnny and Charli’s guests were strangers to him, but he focused on the few familiar faces in the crowd.

Taeyong, Ten and Mark smiled at him the wedding party table. Jungwoo, Doyoung and Jaemin were sitting together at table 8.

Yuta was at table 14. A little towards the back, but Jaehyun could tell his eyes were shining.

He took a deep breath.

“My parents sent me to boarding school,” Jaehyun said. “The Chicago International School. That’s where I met Johnny. He was a day student there. He and his family took me under their wing. They adopted me. I had a second family and Johnny was my older brother. I was so grateful for him.”

Jaehyun paused, turning to meeting Johnny’s eyes. Johnny smiled at him so warmly, his large hand covering Charli’s completely as she sat by his side.

“He taught me more than he’ll ever know,” Jaehyun said. “I’ve honestly never seen him happier than I’ve seen him today. Yes, he can be a bit of a cry baby sometimes. Don’t let the height fool you.”

Everyone laughed on cue and Jaehyun’s heart swelled. He smiled, looking around the room so full of love.

“I’m so proud of you, Johnny,” Jaehyun said. “I hope I can be as happy as you are, one day. We both had to grow a lot. There were times that we weren’t as close. But those days are over. I think we know that we’ll love each other no matter what and that’s the true meaning of family, right? That’s the person you choose to make a family with. I know Charli and Johnny have that same type of love. They’ll always support each other. They’ll learn the best way how. That’s the best thing you can do. Keep learning and keep improving yourself. Keep allowing yourself to love. Thank you, Johnny. Thank you, Charli. I learned that from you.”

Jaehyun turned to the newlyweds once again and gave them a deep bow. “Congratulations,” he said. “I love you both.”

Charli blew him a kiss. Johnny wiped his eyes.

The whole room burst into applause.

Jaehyun knew he couldn’t wait anymore.

*

This time he didn’t wait for Yuta to invite him outside for a smoke.

Jaehyun invited Yuta outside himself.

The wedding reception was in full swing. Dinner was done. The cake was cut. The drinks were flowing. The DJ got everyone out of their seats. Taeyong and Doyoung were dancing together, holding hands and laughing. Mark was with Jaemin and Jungwoo, taking silly pictures with the disposable cameras. Ten was playing a drinking game with the bridesmaids. Johnny and Charli were making their way around the room, greeting their guests and thanking them, looking like the most perfect couple in the world.

Now, it was Jaehyun’s turn.

Jaehyun waited on the far side of the greenhouse, outside of the section that they weren’t using for the reception, near the water. The gardens were big. He could have gone to the other side, stayed in there among the palm trees, but Jaehyun wanted to be outside. He needed the sharp chill of the Chicago night air to keep him on edge and keep the sweat away. He rubbed his hands together and blew in them. He’d forgotten to put his suit jacket back on.

Yuta didn’t take long to come. He looked even better up close. Jaehyun had been seeing him from too far away. Jaehyun stared into Yuta’s eyes. They were somehow softer, more sparkling, more captivating than Jaehyun had ever seen him. Yuta smelled amazing, a soft, romantic scent that was intoxicating. Jaehyun instantly wanted to be in his arms.

Jaehyun was about to step forward, but Yuta paused him with a look. He pulled a slip of paper out of the front pocket of his suit. Then he slipped his jacket off and carefully draped it Jaehyun’s shoulders.

Jaehyun tugged the arms tighter around him. He looked at Yuta’s face. Yuta looked down, unfolding the paper.

“Dear Yuta,” Yuta read.

Jaehyun instantly knew.

It was the note.

Jaehyun had always assumed the note was lost, torn up after Alyssa read it and the school tormented him. Maybe he prayed it was gone. There was no part of him that imagined that Yuta kept it.

For once, hearing his own words didn’t fill him with dread.

Instead, he remembered the person he was back then. So hopeful, so innocent, so full of the first realizations of love and affection.

He didn’t feel sorry for his younger self like he usually did.

He was proud of him for being so brave. Jaehyun loved him.

Yuta smiled at him as if he could read Jaehyun’s thoughts. Jaehyun saw the tenderness in his eyes.

That’s when Jaehyun was sure he wasn’t alone in this.

“Dear Yuta,” Yuta started again. “I’m not good at talking and I’m not good at writing. But I thought this is the best way I can express myself to you. The best part of my day is when we get to hang out together at lunch or soccer. You have the best smile in the world. I always want to be around you. I don’t know what this means but one day maybe I’ll find out. Soon, you’re going to college in Japan. I might not see you again. Yuta, I don’t know what to say. I’m going to miss you. I think about you all the time. I know I have a girlfriend now, but if we’re both single when I’m 30, we should get married. I love you. Love, Jaehyun.”

When Jaehyun used to hear those words in his head, his whole body would get shaky and hot. All he could focus on was the laughter and the humiliation he felt, the intense invasion of his privacy, the shame that never faded.

Now, those words sparked a sense of joy.

Because those words were still true.

Yuta folded the note up again, carefully, like it was a very precious thing.

“Happy birthday,” Jaehyun said.

Yuta chuckled, softly. “I’ve always kept this note.”

Jaehyun had to ask. “How did she get it?”

Yuta shook his head. “I showed Mikayla… she took a picture. It was a mistake and I felt so guilty, Jaehyun. I… I wasn’t tying to make fun of you.”

The hurt still burned but hearing the truth was the only way to get past it. “Yuta,” Jaehyun said. “How come you told me… you told me to forget it. You told me I wasn’t like that.”

Yuta closed his eyes and took a short breath. “Jaehyun, I wasn’t sure. But I knew I was leaving, and you were stuck there. I knew it wasn’t safe. I thought… I don’t know, I thought it would be easier if you could just get over it. If we both pretended that you didn’t mean it. I thought that might fix things for you. I heard what they said about you. I hated it. But I didn’t help, did I? I didn’t help at all. I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

“Then you never spoke to me again.”

“I was wrong,” Yuta repeated, tipping his head to the side and looking at Jaehyun again. “Johnny and I fought about it, too. I don’t exactly remember what we said but… yeah, that’s why we didn’t talk either. I thought it was best if I left you both alone.”

Jaehyun shook his head, slowly. “I ruined the whole group with that note.”

Yuta stepped forward, closing the small amount of space between them. “No, you didn’t, Jaehyun,” he said, fiercely, staring into Jaehyun’s eyes. “You were the only one of us who had the guts to be honest. We ruined the group. We let you down. And we’re not ruined. We’re all still here now, at Johnny’s wedding. You didn’t ruin anything. You never could.”

Jaehyun stared back into Yuta’s eyes, his lower lip trembling a little now. It wasn’t just the cold.

“If I could have been brave back then,” Yuta said. “If I could have been honest… I would have written you back. I would have said, I love you, too, Jaehyun. Because I did. God, you don’t know how much I loved to look at you. It hurt so badly when I chose to stay away. I wish I hadn’t done that, Jaehyun. It’s the biggest regret in my life.”

Jaehyun had been kissed in the past 12 years, of course. He’d had hook-ups through apps and even went on a few blind dates set up by his family. The kisses were either polite at the end of the night or perfunctory actions before they got to the main event.

Jaehyun had never been kissed like this before.

They reached for each other at the same time. Yuta’s lips were soft but not shy. He sucked Jaehyun’s trembling lower lip into his mouth, slowly. Yuta wound his arms tightly around Jaehyun’s waist, pulling him close. He kissed Jaehyun deeply. He kissed him tenderly. He kissed him completely unafraid. Yuta’s jacket fell from Jaehyun’s shoulders, but it didn’t matter. Jaehyun no longer felt the cold.

All he could feel was Yuta.

The warmth of his arms around him. The sweetness of his tongue. The loving touch of his lips. Their mouths moved together like they should never, ever be apart. Jaehyun had never kissed someone like this, so long that it felt like drowning. Jaehyun didn’t care if he never took another breath.

He wanted to stay right here. In this perfect moment.

He’d been waiting for this moment for 12 years.

Yuta was the one who remembered they needed to breath. Jaehyun took a gasping breath when Yuta finally pulled away. He kept his eyes closed as Yuta kissed his face.

“I didn’t get you a present,” Jaehyun whispered.

“You’re my present,” Yuta whispered back. “And I hope that… even if you aren’t single when you’re 30—because hopefully you’ll be dating me—that you’ll still consider marrying me.”

Jaehyun laughed as Yuta held him tight.

Being in Yuta’s arms felt so right.

“I’ve been so lost,” Yuta said, quietly. “I’ve been running. I’ve never been close to anyone. I’ve been working myself so hard. I’ve been punishing myself for that mistake I made. For letting you go. I’m not going to make that mistake again. I hope you don’t mind.”

Jaehyun nodded, feeling the familiar prickle at the corner of his eyes again. “I’ve been punishing myself, too.”

“Let’s not do that anymore.”

Jaehyun cupped Yuta’s chin, this time kissing him firmly. He’d spent so long trying everything to avoid these feelings, to avoid any feelings.

It felt so good to finally give in. To let them flow through him.

They had a lot of catching up to do. They had a lot of wasted time to make up for. But that didn’t matter as long as Jaehyun was in Yuta’s arms.

Jaehyun was about to ask Yuta to dance. They could hear the music faintly from the reception but suddenly the music stopped.

Jaehyun looked up in surprise as all the lights shut off. Even the Ferris Wheel went dark.

“What--?” Jaehyun said. He flinched when they heard the first pop. Seconds later, they saw a shimmering burst of light high in the night sky above the water.

Fireworks.

Everyone from the reception came pouring out, rushing to the edge of the pier to watch the firework show. They clapped and cheered, amazed when one firework exploded in the shape of a ‘J’ and a ‘C’.

Jaehyun leaned against the railing with the rest of the crowd. Yuta stood behind him and wrapped his arms around Jaehyun protectively as they craned their neck up towards the sky. The fireworks lasted for a good 15 minutes, just as bright and spectacular as the Fourth of July.

Jaehyun turned to Yuta during the finale, when the fireworks were launched with no breaks, unrelenting, lighting the sky orange, yellow and red, the explosions so close and so loud, Jaehyun could feel his heart pounding like the fireworks were bursting inside him.

 Or maybe it was Yuta standing so close to him.

Maybe it was the fact that Yuta said he loved him.

It was scary.

It was exhilarating.

It was what Jaehyun had always wanted.

“Those are for you,” Jaehyun spoke, right into Yuta’s ear, pointing up in the sky. “For your birthday.”

“Those are for you,” Yuta said, leaning into him as well. “Your reward for putting up with everyone’s shit.”

Jaehyun laughed and then they were kissing again. Jaehyun wound his arms around Yuta’s neck. They stayed like that, even after the last boom from the fireworks faded and everyone started wandering away.

“I love you,” Jaehyun said, finally letting himself feel how the words expanded in his chest.

“I love you, too,” Yuta said, without a pause. “Let me show that to you.”

Jaehyun leaned against Yuta and closed his eyes. The lights turned back on. The music started up again. Behind them, the celebration continued.

But for Jaehyun, it had just begun.