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To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
— David Viscott
There he stands in the middle of the crowd, very much like the sun; and his audience, the sunflowers who would look to him wherever he is.
That’s what Jaeyun is—always in the middle, always the center of attention. Wherever he is, the crowd follows him.
Maybe it’s because of his good looks, his friendly nature, or his funny personality, but Jaeyun has always been naturally a scene stealer even back then, as if he was born for this. As if he was born to be the main character.
Which he is, or at least in Jongseong’s story anyway.
The said main character quickly notices Jongseong upon his arrival, Jaeyun’s face lighting up at the sight of him and God, it’s the most beautiful sight that Jongseong has ever seen, everything else around him blurring into nothingness as only the light of Jaeyun’s smile fills his vision. Fills his mind. It’s blinding. Surreal. But Jongseong doesn’t mind the pain. Would completely bask in it if it means getting the sun to shine on him like this, as if he’s the only one deserving to feel the joy of its light.
“Jong! You came!” Jaeyun says, as if he couldn’t believe it, but Jongseong can’t blame him for that, either. It’s really not like him to attend parties, even more so when it’s filled with people he doesn’t know. But what can he do, anyway? It was Jaeyun who invited him and insisted that he step out of his comfort zone. To try and meet new people and make friends, so really, who was he to refuse him anything?
(Sunghoon says it’s just him being completely whipped for Jaeyun, and maybe he’s right, but Jongseong won’t let him know that.)
“…I did,” he replies, suddenly feeling awkward and shy when he looks around and notices that a lot of people are looking at them now. Well, more at Jaeyun, actually, but the attention makes him feel shy nonetheless.
Because if Jaeyun lives for the attention and likes basking in the glory of it, Jongseong is the complete opposite, always wanting to stay in the shadows, never wanting to be seen by other people.
Besides, there’s only one person whose attention he needs, and he’s giving it to him right now.
The smile on Jaeyun’s lips grew wider upon his reply, a proud expression gradually painting his face. He then reaches out to ruffle Jongseong’s hair, which the other couldn’t get to refuse even when he spent a long time trying to make sure it’s in its best condition today.
At the back of his mind, Jongseong can hear Sunghoon’s voice telling him: Dude, you’re really a goner for Jaeyun. I’m wishing you a speedy recovery.
Being touchy has always been a part of Jaeyun’s personality, but still, it never fails to take Jongseong aback, feeling the butterflies in his stomach break free at the slightest physical contact with the other male.
Just like right now when he suddenly slipped his fingers in between Jongseong’s and clasped them together like it’s the most natural thing to do in the world.
And maybe to Jaeyun, it is. But to Jongseong, it feels as if his stomach has been turned upside down. He should be used to it by now, he knows. He’s been Jaeyun’s friend for as long as he can remember, but somehow it still always feels like the first time. Always giving him the damn butterflies in his stomach. He can never get used to it.
He lets Jaeyun lead him to wherever, the other male looking back at him with a smile and squeezing his hand in reassurance, as if his presence alone isn’t already enough of a reassurance to Jongseong. It’s all he needs, really.
“Heeseung hyung! This is the friend I’ve been talking about!” Jaeyun waves at the blue-haired man sitting alone on the couch, who looks up to them with a smile and quickly motions for Jaeyun to come over, which of course, he happily obeys.
And it’s at this that Jongseong wonders how anyone could not fall for Sim Jaeyun.
“It’s because not everyone is like you, Park Jongseong,” he hears Sunghoon’s voice again at the back of his mind but he quickly shuts him off, knowing that he’s not the only one who has fallen for Jaeyun.
Because, really, how can anyone not fall for him? He’s kind, friendly, easy-going, funny, smart, caring, and on top of that, Jaeyun’s got the looks too. Anyone who hasn’t liked him at least once is just pure stupid, Jongseong believes.
But he’s stupid, too, he knows.
Stupid in the way he has inevitably fallen for his best friend. Stupid in the way that he has been loving Jaeyun for years now and yet, he can never find the courage to let the male know his feelings. Stupid in the way that even then, he would still be willing to do anything and risk everything for the said male.
If there’s anyone in the world who’s actually stupid, Jongseong knows it’s him.
But it’s alright. He’s already been stupid for Sim Jaeyun for years now, he doesn’t mind being one for longer.
“Heeseung hyung, this is Jongseong, my best friend. Jong, this is Heeseung hyung, my senior and clubmate,” Jaeyun introduces them to one another.
Heeseung gives him a smile and offers his hand for a handshake. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Jongseong. Jaeyun has told me a lot of things about you.”
He knows it doesn’t mean anything more; it’s just Jaeyun happily talking about his best friend, but somehow, the very thought of Jaeyun talking about him to other people made him feel things he can never articulate into words, but if he tries hard enough, it’s something akin to having this warm feeling fill your insides. Jongseong feels warm all over.
“I hope it’s not anything bad or embarrassing,” he replies, suddenly feeling shy.
His reply made Heeseung laugh, the male quickly shaking his head. It’s only then that Jongseong finally feels relieved. At least now, he knows Jaeyun isn’t broadcasting all his embarrassing moments to people that Jongseong doesn’t even know.
(Although, he knows that Jaeyun would never do that. He’s always been kind and considerate like that, only making Jongseong fall for him all the more.)
“You don’t have to worry about that; Jaeyun only tells me good things about you. Do you know he even boasts about how you taught yourself Japanese for years and that you’re currently learning French right now?”
Heeseung’s looking at him now as if he’s the most amazing person in the world, and Jongseong can only scratch his nape in embarrassment. It’s true that he does take pride in successfully learning a language just by himself, but it’s something he never really brags about. He’s never been the braggy type of person, but that’s why Jaeyun is the one who does it for him, always telling him that it’s because he’s just giving credits where it's due.
“It’s alright to flex your achievements every once in a while, you know,” Jaeyun had told him once, but Jongseong just can never do it. He doesn’t think he deserves to be praised for something he’s pretty sure anyone else can do.
Breaking the moment, Jaeyun suddenly coughs and stands up, throwing a meaningful look at Jongseong as he says, “Well, uhm, I’m just gonna go get a drink and catch up with some other friends. You both have fun here, yeah?” He doesn’t forget to wink at Jongseong before he leaves, wiggling his eyebrows at his best friend.
Of course, Jaeyun is gonna do this, always the one who’s more enthusiastic about Jongseong’s lovelife without realising that the only person that Jongseong ever wants and aches for is him. It has always been just him.
How many people has Jaeyun even tried to set him up with?
There was Beomgyu from music department who he later on ended up being friends with. Sunoo from acting department who he can only see as a younger brother. Sunghoon who he shares the same few classes with and ended up as his best friend after their date that day.
Jaeyun has tried to set him up with a countless amount of people, and still, Jongseong only wants him. His heart refuses to let other people inside of it. Refuses to take shape in the form of anyone else but Sim Jaeyun.
“You know, just a silly idea but what if… what if you confess to Jaeyun? Maybe then, he’d finally stop setting you up with other people which only puts you in awkward situations. Besides, you never know. Maybe he likes you too,” Sunghoon had told him this once when they were studying together for a test in Philosophy, to which he only shakes off with the response that Jaeyun will never like him like that. On top of that, he doesn’t want to ruin everything between them by saying his feelings out loud. He’d rather just keep it in and let it stay as a secret.
Because he knows that if he says it, it will only hurt the two of them, knowing how Jake will feel guilty for not reciprocating his feelings. So it’s better to keep it hidden, because this way, only one of them is getting hurt.
Besides, it isn’t so painful loving Jaeyun like this, he realises. It’s just sometimes, he wonders what it must be like to be able to feel the sun on both sides. How nice it must be to completely bask in the joy of its light.
“You like Jaeyun, don’t you?”
Jongseong nearly jumps in shock at the sudden question that pulls him back to reality, turning to look at Heeseung who was the proponent of the question. He tries to open his mouth to say something, ends up closing them when he realises his throat is too dry and he doesn’t know how to say it. Should he be honest and just say it? Or should he lie and say no?
But before Jongseong can even come up with anything, Heeseung has already recognised the expression on his face, giving him a meaningful smile.
Heeseung sighs, leaning back on the couch, still wearing that meaningful smile. For a while he stays quiet before silently saying, “You’re not the only one, you know.”
Although it’s a confession, it sounded more like defeat, as if admitting his feelings means losing. To what, Jongseong doesn’t know.
But he understands it. Jongseong had been there too. When he had first come to terms with his feelings and finally put a name to it, he had felt so defeated, wishing that he should have just stayed oblivious to it forever. Because now that he’s known and acknowledged what these feelings are, Jongseong doesn’t know what to do with them anymore. It felt as if his whole world had fallen off its axis, leaving his heart and mind in chaos.
“It’s so hard to love someone who you know is so out of your reach,” Heeseung sighs yet again, taking a sip of his alcohol. The bitter taste of the beverage clashing with the bitter feeling sitting on his stomach.
Jongseong nods in agreement, roaming his eyes around and quickly spotting Jaeyun’s place in the crowd.
And just like always, Jake is in the middle of it, with everyone’s attention on him, ever much like the sun with his sunflowers for audience. He is smiling so brightly and beautifully, letting everyone around him bask in the glory of his existence.
Unreachable, just like the sun.