Chapter Text
Kaoru
Despite how he appeared on the outside at S; polished, calculated, organized. And how clean and bare his office and calligraphy studio was, Kaoru was a cluttered and sentimental person at home.
Everything about the two bedroom apartment above his offices screamed that his life was a life well lived in. The open living room that bled seamlessly into the kitchen had flares of his personality, two overflowing shelves of books greeted you past the entryway. One shelf dedicated to the art of calligraphy, the other to coding and mechanics. He had a coat rack for his S kimono, and a few zip-ups he rarely wore. A shoe rack, only slightly overpacked, at the entrance where Kojiro liked to lean his board and drop his jacket on the nights he stayed late after S. He did it as if only to spur on Kaoru’s irritation when the coat rack was right there. There were carefully framed prints of his achievements lining the entryway, and a large world map taking up another swath of blank wall, covered in silver and rainbow tipped pins of the places he’d travelled both alone for work, and together with Kojiro.
He dedicated one room to a fairly blank walled office, but that was only for convenience if he wasn’t open, or willing to head downstairs. He sometimes used it for online work meetings, but usually it sat empty and dark. Sometimes it was a guest room, the couch in the corner turning into a bed, though it was rarely used as more than storage for empty boxes.
His bedroom was the pinnacle of all of it though.
One wall of his bedroom next to a decent sized window was collaged in an organized chaos of wristbands, ticket stubs, art prints, paper coasters from his travels, luggage tags, fliers from both the opening day of Sia La Luce and from his own calligraphy studio, printed photos and polaroids, awards, birthday cards, leaves and flowers that were long dried were all placed carefully on it.
Then a whole wall was dedicated to Carla’s inner workings, filled with blueprints, sticky notes, pens attached by strings to notepads hung on clipboards, mounted prototypes, sketches for new models and plans that left smeared fingerprints on the white paint and the matching desktop below it. Sets of drawers full of tools, half opened, but mostly in order, took up the rest of the space there, quietly awaiting the next tinker session. Carla was sitting carefully atop the desk; a panel open on her underside, thin wires poking out, taped, clamped, and carefully set aside, left exposed to the air.
And that didn’t even touch the grandness of the third wall.
The last one without the bed was filled floor to ceiling with bookshelves.
Not all the shelves were full yet, some were half empty, and some were half full of books, then haphazardly finished with the things Kaoru had collected in the years since leaving his childhood home behind. But the half empty shelves, and the completely empty ones near the ceiling didn’t stop Kaoru from stacking books on the floor next to his desk, his bed, his nightstand, some even spilled out to the admittedly more bare, less lived-in, living room; unfortunately serving as end tables and coasters for his half full coffee mugs in front of the couch. He read a lot in the time he had alone, everything from non-fiction to fantasy to poetry; all of it distracted him when he needed it, or educated him on things had yet to learn.
But despite the seeming chaos, it felt like home to him most days, being surrounded by his favorite things, photos of his favorite people, it usually made him feel loved, it made him feel like himself.
Tonight though he was staring at a set of photos that he wouldn’t like to admit to even still owning. Small and important framed photos that he would hide when he had company over, ones of him and Kojiro that he kept on his bedside table.
It was a hearty collection of photos, some sharing frames with small polaroids in the corner of larger pictures, others important enough to claim their own. The photos spanned from their first playdates in kindergarten, through high school and then most recently, to a vacation in Italy, sharing gelato on a bench by the ocean under the most beautiful setting sky. The edges of many were worn on the oldest ones from being stored in boxes for years, and then taped to walls or on binders in high school, and finally landing in the polished black edged frames that he had bought in secret a few years back after he moved here.
His eyes tonight were on Kojiro’s frozen ones, the way his face crinkled when he laughed, where he looked soft under all those muscles, the many times his eyes were fixed on Kaoru, those were the ones that especially broke Kaoru tonight.
These photos were the ones where he could pretend that Kojiro looked like he was in love with him.
His deep crimson eyes so softly set on Kaoru’s laughing face, staring at what Kaoru wanted to be his lips; it was all too much for his lonely heart tonight.
Kaoru wanted Kojiro to be in love with him in the same way he was in love with Kojiro.
Entirely, and unendingly in love with him.
Kaoru wiped his eyes even though it was useless, tears long having stained the pillow under him. It was cold in his room now, October bringing in the colder more unpredictable, and sometimes rainy, nights. The sun had just dipped under the horizon, leaving his room washed in deep muted greys and blues. He’d been here since he left work, foregoing a much needed grocery run, shower, and his usual Friday night stop by Sia La Luce for dinner before attending S.
He was supposed to be doing all these things, getting ready for S tonight, getting ready to see Kojiro, he should be excited.
But nothing in him wanted to move, paralyzed by the words his mother forced into his brain this afternoon.
“Grow up Kaoru.” The words had all but slapped him when she had finally cornered him alone, “You have to carry on the family name sooner or later, since you’re obviously not going anywhere with Kojiro.” she scoffed, and had given a hard look at the framed photo he kept of them in his business downstairs, “I expect you at the house tomorrow to review those profiles I left on your desk.”
It was his worst nightmare playing out in front of him. Not only had his mom caught on to the feelings he had for Kojiro, in whatever capacity she might be able to understand Kaoru’s feelings, but she was finally forcing him to get married.
It wasn’t that Kaoru didn’t want to get married, he definitely wanted to, but he didn’t want it to be like this. A cold decision made based on a single page of information and a photo, a headshot nonetheless. She wanted him to do this all while knowing he was in love with someone else, and he couldn’t do it.
Kaoru knew there was no way he was capable of doing something like that to himself, to another person…
To Kojiro.
It’s what his parents had done, and that had turned out to be the furthest thing from a good idea. Both of them cheated on each other, and were too wrapped up in their own problems to be there for Kaoru when he needed them most. When he was scared, when he wanted reassurance, when Adam broke him in every way he could, they were absent. They only saw good grades and Kaoru’s tendency towards silence and proper manners, all born from years of neglect, as a job as well done.
Kojiro had been there to listen, had been the first to care to hear his voice, and had put him back together so many times, just as Kaoru had been there for him.
And now, alone, and unable to verbalize how he was breaking, Kaoru was collapsing in on himself, a dying star finally meeting its end.
He couldn’t bring himself to face Kojiro tonight, not when he was sure all that would come out of his mouth would be broken sobs.
And yet at the same time, Kojiro was all he wanted.
Kaoru just kept staring at the photos.