Chapter Text
It wasn’t supposed to end up this way.
Katara walks through the Palace with purpose, her back straight and her chin high so as to avoid any suspicion from the various guards and servants who pace the halls. Deep inside, her heart is pounding, her thoughts all muddled up together and fighting each other. Anxiety claws at her chest begging to be let out, whispering in her ear that she’s not wanted, not needed.
At the end of the hall, she takes a left down the familiar path she so often finds herself on. The closer she gets to her destination, the more she grows to regret her decision. But Katara already made her decision, late at night surrounded by the darkness that enveloped her. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but Katara figures it was the only solution to avoid heartbreak.
How often does the person you love have to put his duty to his people before his love for you?
No, it wasn’t supposed to end this way.
She pauses when her destination is in her line of vision, swallowing the lump in her throat as she rehearses what she’s planning to say. Taking a deep breath, she continues with her journey, finally coming face to face with the door she was looking for. Katara stares at it first, eyes tracing the ornamental dragon design that crawls up the woodwork. The longer she stares, the more afraid she becomes; it’s not the physical door that scares her, of course, but what’s behind it that terrifies her.
Not that she’s ever been terrified by him before. No, it’s what she has to do, the decision she made, that worries her the most.
Tentatively, she raises her hand and knocks, her heart pounding even harder in her chest.
“Come in,” a tired voice calls out.
With another deep breath, Katara opens the door only a fraction of the way. Peeking her head in, she spots Zuko sitting at his desk staring down at a roll of parchment spread out before him. When he hears the creak of the door, he looks up, eyes brightening when he sees Katara looking at him.
“Katara!” he exclaims, standing up so quickly he almost knocks over a bottle of ink sitting on the desk. “Why are you just standing there? Come on in, I’m just rereading this bill Minister Xao proposed to me the other day.”
Katara opens the door more and crosses the threshold, feeling Zuko staring at her as she does. She closes the door behind her, but refuses to take another step further into the room.
“Katara, is everything okay?” Zuko asks, furrowing his brow
“Do you think everything is okay?” Katara counters, shaking her head at Zuko. “After yesterday’s meeting?”
Zuko sighs and collapses back in his seat, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead with his hand as he considers Katara’s words. “No, I suppose not.”
“So then you know why I’m here then,” Katara tells him, finally taking a step towards him. “You know what I’m going to say to you?”
“Katara.” Zuko opens his eyes to look at her, a pleading look on his face. “This will work out, you just - we need -”
“I just what, Zuko?” Katara snaps, causing Zuko to wince. “I need to wait? I need to watch you fight with your council, only for you to end up giving in to their demands?”
“This isn’t something I can just put off, Katara!” Zuko insists, standing up again and placing his hands on his desk to lean on. “They’ve been begging me to marry for the past five years, ever since my twentieth birthday, and you and I both know that we - that -”
“Zuko, they have women lining up at your door waiting for you to accept their courtship,” Katara interrupts. “And whatever we’ve been doing… Zuko, we can’t hide anymore.”
“I know, Katara, I’m sorry,” Zuko laments. “It wasn’t supposed to end up this way.”
“No,” Katara spits out, the bitterness lingering on her tongue. “No, it wasn’t.”
Zuko stares at her a moment before making his way from around his desk and walking towards her. Katara takes a step back, causing Zuko to pause, his eyes filled with hurt.
“I can’t stay here, Zuko,” she tells him, her voice breaking. “After what we’ve had, I can’t - I can’t do this anymore.”
“Katara,” he begs, his own voice cracking as he reaches out towards her. “You can’t just give up on us like this.”
“Zuko, you and I both know that you always choose your duty to your people over your own needs,” Katara whispers. “You and I both know that this - us - was never going to last.”
“Are you saying you regret it?” Zuko asks, his hand dropping to his side. “Are you saying that you regret everything we’ve done?”
“I don’t regret it, Zuko, no!” Katara insists, finally building the courage to take a step closer to him. “I don’t think I could ever regret what we had.”
“Had?” Zuko emphasizes. “You make it sound like we’ve already ended.”
“What we had ended the moment you agreed to an arranged marriage,” Katara states, regret building in her gut. “But I don’t regret it, I don’t regret you.”
“Can I ask you something?” Zuko pleads, his voice wavering. When Katara nods, he asks, “What do you think would have happened if we went public with our relationship?”
Katara blinks up at Zuko, but his question is one that Katara had rolled over in her mind over and over again. If they had gone public, announced their affair to the world, Katara knows they surely would have been met with contempt. Already most of Zuko’s council scorns his friendship with Katara; if the council members had figured out this friendship had moved to intimacy… Katara doesn’t want to think about it.
“That’s why I can’t stay,” Katara finally whispers, dropping her eyes from Zuko’s face. “I can’t stay here and watch you marry someone else. Not after everything we’ve had.”
“Katara -”
“Maybe I’m being selfish,” Katara continues, wringing her hands together. “Maybe for once in my life, I’m trying to put my feelings first without trying to think of anyone else.”
“Katara, you don’t have to leave,” Zuko begs, closing the space between them and grabbing her wrist. “You can stay here, you always have a home in Caldera City, you can -”
“Zuko, be honest with me.” She locks eyes with Zuko, feeling the way his grip tightens around her wrist. “Do you think this will be any easier on you if I stay?”
Zuko sighs deeply. “No. It will be harder.”
“Why, Zuko? Why would me staying here be harder?”
At this, Zuko looks away from her, his lips forming a thin line.
“See, you won’t even admit how you feel,” Katara says, shaking her head. “All this time we’ve been together, we’ve never talked about what this meant.”
“You’re the one who said it was just sex,” Zuko snaps finally, releasing her wrist from his grip and glaring at her. “You were the one who said we needed to separate our feelings from our actions!”
“And you agreed!” Katara argues, poking him on the chest. “But you and I both know that the more we continued to find each other at night, the more the lines blurred. We both knew the risks and yet we still continued!”
“So, what, this is it? You leave?” Zuko asks her, chest heaving. “You throw it all away because of one decision my council made?”
“It’s not just one decision, Zuko! It’s your future, the future of your nation!”
“But I can’t let you go, Katara!” Zuko yells, grabbing her by the shoulders. “I can’t - I can’t let you go.”
“I think you’re going to have to,” Katara replies softly, placing her hand on Zuko’s scarred cheek. “I think we’re going to have to let each other go. Just for now.”
“What will you do?” he asks her, tears forming in his eyes. “Where will you go?”
“I’ll go home,” she answers, stroking her thumb under his eye. “I think I’m needed there for a bit.”
Zuko nods, closing his eyes and leaning into her touch. “I’m sorry, Katara,” he tells her, a tear escaping from his eye. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more, I’m sorry I couldn’t - couldn’t tell you how I -”
“No, Zuko, don’t make this harder, please,” Katara begs, tears beginning to stream down her own cheeks. “We can’t keep doing this, okay?”
“Okay,” Zuko whispers, bowing his head. “When will you go?”
“There’s a ship coming from the South in two days,” Katara answers. “When it leaves, so do I.”
“And I can’t change your mind?”
“No, Zuko, I don’t think you can,” Katara replies sadly, pulling Zuko towards her and wrapping her arms around him. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“No, Katara, don’t be sorry,” he tells her, returning her embrace. “I’m sorry our duty gets in the way of our feelings.”
Katara swallows and pulls away from Zuko, finding the regret in his eyes easily. “I - I have to go now.”
Zuko nods. “If that’s what you think is best.”
“It is.”
Zuko lets out a breath. “Okay. Be well, Ambassador Katara. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
“You as well, Fire Lord Zuko,” Katara returns, stepping away from Zuko. “I’m sorry we have to part like this.”
“Me too.”
Katara turns away and heads towards the door, feeling Zuko’s stare on the back of her head. When she places her hand on the doorknob, she looks back at him, noting the way he straightened his back, the way his shoulders tensed. His face can no longer be read, shutting her out just as she pushed him away.
Turning away, she opens the door and steps into the hallway, refusing to look back again. As soon as she shuts the door behind her though, she hears it: the strangled sob of a wounded animal.
Unable to keep her own emotions at bay, Katara runs through the Palace halls towards her quarters dodging guards and servants who jump out of her way, confusion written on their faces.
It wasn’t supposed to end this way.
How did this relationship start to begin with? Was it the desperation they both felt to be wanted and needed, whole and unbroken?
Katara remembers the first time they laid together, how safe she felt in his arms when they were done. She remembers the way he took care of her, always putting her needs before his own, worshipping her body in a way no previous lover had before.
It wasn’t supposed to end this way.
They agreed to keep their trysts a secret, to avoid revealing their innermost thoughts and feelings.
There were times, though, that Katara would find Zuko staring at her with such adoration in his eyes she was sure he would finally reveal his true feelings, but he never did.
And neither did Katara.
She rushes to her quarters, opening her door in a frenzy and slamming it behind her once she’s inside her room. Letting out a wracked sob, she collapses to the ground, wrapping her arms around her middle and sobbing.
Why does it hurt so much? She knew this was supposed to be the end.
Katara made her decision.
Whether she’s seen as a coward is up to those around her.
When that ship leaves for the South, Katara will be on it and she won’t look back.
She can’t.