Chapter Text
1.
It’s very brief.
but it happens.
you aren’t sure of much but you are sure of that.
--
2.
It’s January and cold is all it is right now. She comes in like everyone else, all coat and scarf.
She glances briefly at the menu board overhead and heads to the counter. She orders a coffee and hands some coins over to Raven. Raven, whose never quite taken to customer service, doesn’t say anything, just slides the lid with her order scribbles over to you. You read it and you start making the coffee. She waits.
The coffee brews, the milk heats up and pull your hand away before it burns.
You pour, then seal the lid and set it down on the counter. You see her name scrawled on the side of the cup and you look at her when you say
“Lexa?’
She looks up from her phone, nods and takes her coffee. A beat later and she turns and walks out the door.
--
3.
It's a Friday morning and she comes in again.
You’re busy preparing a sandwich for the woman from Argentina who comes in every morning at 10.30am and sits by the window writing poetry til closing time and normally its Raven who deals with the food but she’d gone out to get milk so here you are with soggy fingers slicing an even soggier tomato.
You hear footsteps on the wooden floor and you turn to the counter. Your brain does the mental equivalent of tripping because people come in all the time but you never really expected her to come back.
You hesitate, but only just for a second, before you smile and ask her what she’d like.
As you make her coffee, trying not to be obvious about watching her, her grey eyes wonder around the room, landing and bouncing between the Argentinian poet and Murphy the dour supermarket worker who comes in on his lunch breaks to complain about life in general or have heated phone arguments with his family in England.
She turns back to you and eyes meet for a second before yours quickly dart away.
You struggle a bit with the lid of her coffee cup and she’s only just smirking, maybe, but then you’re done and she hands you a five dollar bill and says ‘keep the change’ and then, just barely, she smiles before she turns and leaves.
You hear Raven slam the back door and it startles you, reminds you of the tomato chopped only half.
--
4.
She comes in every week for two months.
At first, the conversation kind of speeds and then sags and then flops over before getting back up and running around madly.
She doesn’t give you much to work with, at first and there are times when you feel like you’re attempts are unwanted, boring her maybe. But then she goes and compliments your shirt or hair and asks you a question about something you’d mentioned days ago and it makes your hands tingle. Makes your stomach just like, flip the fuck out.
You get over being intimidated enough to tease and prod at her reserved kind of coolness and she spills out a little bit more every time.
All of a sudden it’s like, fucking banter.
--
5.
One week she comes in every single day except the Sunday and you spend the whole shift worrying, missing her, actually.
--
6.
She comes in on an incredibly empty Thursday afternoon.
She kind of barrels in before she flops down in the chair at the table closest to the counter and says, uncharacteristically emotive “Fuck, I just had the worst day at work’ and after some prodding, she recounts what turns out to be truly horrible experience involving her boss at the law firm. Its only after all that that you remember to ask
“Oh, do you want a coffee?’
She hesitates before saying yeah, a coffee would be great and rummages in her bag for some coins but stops when you shake your head
“No, no, don’t even try. its on the house. Rough day and all that. ’
She smiles, that flicker, and nods in thanks.
She stays until your shift finishes.
--
7.
A week later, she comes in 15 minutes before closing time.
You walk her to the train even though it’s in the complete wrong direction from your flat. She watches two go by, just because you hadn’t finished telling her a story.
--
8.
It’s a Tuesday morning and you’re both standing outside the café. She’s on her way to work armed with a steaming cup of coffee and you’re supposed to be cleaning the outdoor tables. Not much cleaning is getting done, however, because you’ve ended up sitting on the table as she tells you, in that dry tone that you find wonderfully hilarious, about something that happened at work.
Your laughter is cut off by the bang of the café door swinging open and Octavia all but shrieks
‘Clarke, you useless lesbian would you please come and find the broom because I just dropped a huge sack of ant infested flour and its fucking everywhere’
The door slams again and Octavia’s words don’t even really register – she drops something at least once a week - until you look to Lexa to find her grey eyes bright and smirking.
“You musn’t be so useless… if she’s asking for your help’
--
9.
It’s become a regular Thursday event to walk her to the train station.
One time, you’re walking beside her through the underpass talking about the latest episode of Orphan Black when you come to the bottom of the stairs to find a father trying to hoist up a small bike in one of his hands while he balances his daughter on his hip. Reflexively, you kind of grab onto one of the wheels to take the weight off it and say
‘Do you need a hand?”
He looks relieved and smiles widely
‘If you wouldn’t mind’
You lift the bike from him and hang it on your shoulder. He starts to walk up the stairs with his daughter and before you do too, you look back to Lexa. She’s watching you and you grin at her and say
“I know it’s a bit too pink but a free bike is a free bike’ and she rolls her eyes, almost smiling, before following you.
You set the bike down in front of the toddler who claps her hands together and gets on, her little legs working furiously as she tears off down the platform. The father thanks you, twice and then sets off after her.
You can feel Lexa’s eyes on you so you turn to look at her and she looks like she’s about to say something but she swallows whatever the words were when the train pulls up.
“So, Have a good night’
“You too, Clarke’
There’s a beat and then she leans in and kisses your cheek, pulling back to look at you one more time and her eyes are aflame. You don't get a chance to do or say anything before she turns and boards the train.
You stand dumbly and watch it pull away. Your skin tingles for hours and hours.
--
10.
She mentions it once: ‘my ex-girlfriend’
She doesn’t linger on it at all and its lost among so many other words, so you think you probably just misheard.
Hope can mess with you like that.
--
11.
It blindsides you completely then when
She asks you out.
“Like, on a date, Clarke”
-
12.
You think it’ll stay with you forever:
She asks you
--
13.
Despite Raven and Octavia’s reminders that ‘you hang out with her like all day everyday anyway, like seriously, how much coffee can one girl need’, you are stomach churning and palms sweating nervous.
You spend nearly an hour deciding what to wear and it probably would have been more, but Octavia, whose also your roomate and her brother Bellamy get completely sick of it and basically haul you out the door.
You aren’t late but you still don’t arrive first. Lexa is sitting at the bar and you’ve never felt so lucky - to see her in the quiet moment before she sees you.
--
14.
You consider asking someone what the rules are, like what happens next and how long is the appropriate time to wait before calling and what does one official date actually mean. But your heart jerks violently, painfully when she calls and you figure there’s no point playing any sort of game when you probably look as giddy as you feel.
--
15.
The second time, she suggests dinner.
It feels just that little bit more formal and engineered, in a sense, but then the food arrives and you shove a whole lot in your mouth because you haven’t eaten since breakfast and wow, okay, you hadn’t exactly been prepared for how spicy this curry thing was going to be and you keep chewing and chewing but its just really, really hot and she’s starting to notice that’s your face is contorting and you give up on appearing like elegant or whatever when you finally swallow and grab your glass and start chugging and you should care, probably, about how water is dribbling down your chin and onto your shirt but your mouth is on fire.
You finish the water and set down your glass but your nose is starting to run. Everything is still burning and you gasp ‘do you think they have milk?’
Your tongue hurts the next day but you’d do it all over again just to see her throw her head back and laugh and smirk at you whilst politely asking the waitress if they perhaps have any yoghurt side dishes.
--
16.
You hear the clang of the door of the café whilst you’re cleaning a table and seconds later you see her black boots. She was supposed to meet you after your shift had finished but she’s early and you straighten up and say hey, start to tell her as much but she takes a few steps forward with her eyebrow quirked and then her hand – cold, its still cold – is on your neck and you feel her breathe warm on your lips before she kisses you. You drop the tea towel on the floor and pull her in by the hips.
The heavily accented shouts of the manager ordering Raven around in the back and the whine of Murphy telling someone to shove it on his phone become the soundtrack to the best moment of your life.
--
17.
She is a puzzle.
Some pieces, she hands out freely. Others you find yourself.
Sometimes they come together perfectly. Sometimes you find one that doesn’t seem to belong at all.
She is a puzzle, all curves and edges.
--
18.
It’s your first Friday night off in about two months and whilst there had been a vague plan to go out, the clock flashing 12.36am finds you both tangled on her couch. She’s lying with her head on your chest and your twirling her hair in your fingers. The credits are rolling out on some crappy TV Movie but moving now would feel like destruction.
She peers up at you and your fingers halt. She’s already asked you with her eyes before she whispers
‘Stay. Spend the night.’
It’s a loaded question and it makes you shiver.
You just nod. Anything else would be impossible.
--
19.
Gentle and slow.
She takes your body.
--
20.
You aren’t a religious person. Spirituality has always eluded you.
But when you wake up and she’s lying next to you, you kind of get it, finally.
Some things are divine.
--
21.
She calls you and says to come and meet her at work.
You get there only 17 minutes late but its enough to make you feel bad because these past few weeks she’s has been on a tight schedule and you’re not really on any kind of schedule at all.
You’re outside the firm and you stop to catch your breath before you press the buzzer. You say, haltingly, that you’re here to see Lexa and the voice on the other end says ‘Oh, you’re Clarke.’ like it means something.
You climb the stairs and a woman who you assume is the Firms receptionist tells you that Lexa will be another 10 minutes because she’s sitting in on an interview and its running longer than expected, you know how it is. You nod and smile and say that’s fine, even though you have absolutely no clue how it is at all.
You hear the clack clack of her shoes coming down the hallway before you see her and when she rounds the corner, her shoulders are stiff and her eyes are cold and she’s someone else entirely. Then she sees you, smiles barely and rolls her eyes and she’s Lexa again.
Later, at a bar down the road, you meet ‘ some close friends’. They are all young lawyers too and all seem to exude that self-assured sense of knowing what they want out of life. You’re lost, in comparison, a freelance artist who makes more coffee than art these days but you’ve got some stories from that one year at medical school and they seem to like you, enough.
On the walk home, she takes your hand. She’s a very private person sometimes but not tonight.
--
22.
You don’t make a big deal of things, mostly, but when your mother calls to yell at you for not calling, the words tumble out – how much of a big deal this is.
--
23.
She’s met Finn before, obviously, but this is the first time you’re going out together, just you three and you have this impending sense of doom the whole afternoon.
Dinner goes fine, well even.
But later that night Lexa kisses ‘you are mine’
--
24.
Sometimes she is entirely too cool.
Sometimes she tries to fight it with everything she has – how soft she really is.
--
25.
You meet her family.
An hour or so later finds you on the landing in front of her apartment.
She’s in front of you and she fumbles the key for the door. It drops to the floor with a clatter. She bends quickly and picks it up and you expect her to have another go but instead, her eyes flit to yours and you hear her mutter ‘fuck it’ and she’s grabbing onto the front of your jacket and she’s kissing you and kissing you. Her hands move up to cup your cheeks and she tugs on your bottom lip. The surprise wears off and you’re kissing her back, grasping her waist and moving her backwards until she’s flat up against the door. Your lungs start to burn so you place one kiss on the side of her mouth before pulling away, but only slightly. Her eyes open, smiling. Her voice is low and crackly when she says
‘Apparently you are a delight’
--
26.
You’re sitting across from each other in this really nice café that’s just opened up down the road from her apartment. She’s reading through a new case and you’re finally reading that book your Mother sent you for Christmas last year.
The waiter, all muscle T-shirt and latest trend haircut, comes to take your order and you can practically hear his breath hitch when Lexa turns to face him. She’s wearing her reading glasses today and her hair is in soft curls and its only fair, really, that he melts. He looks to you and you smile and reel off your order. He leaves and she just gives you a small smile before going back to her papers.
It’s a wonder, you think, how you are the one out of all the people in all the world. The one who gets to sit across from her.
--
27.
One night, you fuck in the toilet stall of a club.
It’s heady and fast. The bass is loud and so is she.
--
28.
You attempt to have sex in the shower.
It doesn’t really work out.
You just can’t seem to get enough friction, your back is hurting and the spray ends up being nothing but distracting.
After a while, she pulls away, kisses you on the cheek before picking up the Shampoo bottle and handing it too you
‘Well you may as well make yourself useful’
Your laughter echoes off the shower walls.
-
29.
One morning, after a late night, you’re in the kitchen – you’ve been up for hours by now - and you hear her alarm going off madly. A few seconds later you hear a crash.
You put down your tea and abandon your toast and walk into the bedroom to find her lying flat on her stomach, messily tangled in the sheets and you step on something that turns out to be her phone. Upon inspection you find its cracked but still functioning and so you set the alarm to 30 seconds from now and you settle in beside her. You hear her hum when the mattress dips.
You try not to snigger as you put the alarm right near her ear - It's a Sunday, a day which she adamantly refers to as 'A day of rest' but she's been invited to sit in on a meeting with an overseas firm today so you figure she’ll thank you later
The phone blares, startling her so much she basically punches you in the chest. After a moment where you’re shaking silently with laughter, she slides into a sit and stands, grumbling as she does.
Her clothes are peeled off as she makes her way to the bathroom. She comes back with face scrubbed clean and a toothbrush in her mouth.
Your laughter fades. She just floors you, sometimes.
She looks at you and roughly asks ‘what’ and it was probably intended to be menacing but toothpaste sprays out of her mouth and is starting to dribble down her chin.
You shrug ‘nothing’
She narrows her eyes for just a second before trudging over to the wardrobe.
It is nothing
but its also everything.
--
30.
Inevitably, you clash into each other.
You have this hot thing inside of you that needs to be yelled and she goes cold and detaches from the world. It gets messy, sometimes.
--
31.
You go for a run in the park. Its something you started doing when your parents were fighting in high school and it never fails to calm you down.
This time, when you finish your last lap of the oval, she’s sitting next to your towel on the benches.
She stands when she sees you and watches as you walk over. You come to a stop in front of her.
Her eyes don’t tell you anything and you can’t get air fast enough.
But then she’s pulling you close, slowly but firmly and she doesn’t let go until you fall into her, letting your head sink and you arms wrap around her back. The front of her shirt is damp within seconds and everything smells like sweat. She presses her lips to your hot cheek and you feel your shoulders unwind.
You grasp her jacket in your fingers and hold on tight. Relief is a sweet, sweet thing.
--