Chapter Text
Joseph sits nervously in the cold plastic chair. His addiction has taken him over, it’s gotten to be too much. There’s no more denying it. He has a problem. He looks over to the counselor, but is too ashamed to make eye contact.
“Welcome to AA; Anal-Addicts Anonymous. You’ve already taken the first step in admitting you have a problem,” he says to the group. Joseph hangs his head low.
“Now, know that there’s nothing wrong with you individually. The issue most likely lies somewhere deeper.”
He refuses to raise his head, somewhat in fear of being recognized, and partly to avoid knocking someone over with his massive hairdo. While staring down the floor, he hears a noise behind him. The creak of a door being opened. Instinctively, he lifts his head. Unfortunately, both of his fears are realized with this action. First, the person sitting next to him goes flying. Then, he locks eyes with the person at the door. None other than Caesar Zeppeli stands pretentious as ever in the doorway.
“Oh good, you’re just about on time. Sit down, we’re about to get started,” the counselor says, gesturing to an open seat inconveniently next to joseph.
“Right,” Caesar sighs, sitting next to him. He slings one leg over his knee, and points it the direction opposite of joseph.
There’s no use trying to hide himself, he knows Caesar recognizes him too. He never thought he’d see him in a place like this. He always assumed corporate bigwigs had better things to do, like practicing being cartoonishly evil. Who would have guessed rich people had destructive sexual habits and kinks? The counselor begins to speak again, but Joseph's hardly listening. His ears only tune into the names he knows well, and the descriptors he identifies with.
“Young man with the large, perfectly angled hair. Would you please stand, state your name, and tell us why you’re here?” With this request, both Joseph and Caesar stand.
“He wasn’t talkin’ to ya, Caesar .”
“When describing your hair, or really any of your features, the word ‘perfectly’ would not be used. I am the one being addressed here.”
“Hey, hey, which one of us are ya talkin’ to?”
“Ah, well, I was referring to you. The one with the uh, Brooklyn accent?”
“Yeah I guess you could call it that. Well uh, I’m Joseph, and I’m here because uh, anal’s kinda consumin’ my life.”
“Happens to the best of us. I’m glad you’ve made the decision to come here. Everyone, say hi to Joseph,” on his request, the anal-addicts greet Joseph in unison.
“Now you, the angry blonde. It’s your turn.”
“My name is Caesar . I am 18 years old. My favorite house is in the northeast section of hell, where all the particularly devious duelers live. I am the head of Caesar Corp, and I am home by 8 p.m. at the latest. I-”
“Alright, that’s enough Caesar. Could you please tell us why you’re here?”
“Oh, right. Well, I’m here because I want to understand the heart of the anus.”
“...The what?”
“The heart of the anus. You know, the butthole?”
“I know what an anus is…”
“In that case, what is there to be confused about?”
“Well, I’ve never heard that phrase. What exactly is ‘the heart of the anus’?”
“That’s what I’ve come here to discover. As a duelist, I failed because I apparently did not understand the heart of the cards. If that ideology can be applied to this, it will help me win at anal sex.”
“You want to win at anal sex?”
“Yes. If I can be the best at it, I can be done with it. Truly, I’d like to be.”
“Ah, well, I suppose we can help you try to work that tendency away.”
“Being a winner isn’t a tendency. It’s a lifestyle.”
“Sure. Well, everyone say hello to Caesar ,” once again, there is a full group greeting.
The rest of the AA meeting goes by somewhat slowly. Joseph sits to himself, fighting the urge to confront Caesar . How dare he show him up in the Anal-Addicts Anonymous meeting? He thought for sure he’d have the coolest hair there! Yet he was bested once again by the devilish Caesar Zepelli. He leans back in his chair, and screws his eyes shut. No problems will be solved here, they will only be created.
Caesar leans himself away from the brunette menace, nearly tipping out of his chair. He leans so far, he nearly falls onto the person next to him. They wouldn’t get it, they’ve certainly never dealt with a hair rival, or anything of the sort. He doesn’t feel bad that some of his hair gel was wiped onto the person’s shoulder, leaving them permanently sticky.
“I hope you all are ready for tomorrow’s meeting. Be ready to share your most traumatic experience and how it maybe kind of might relate to your addiction. That is the best way to overcome any given issue. I mean, it worked for me, so that’s essentially proof.”
In the blink of an eye, the meeting has come to an end. Joseph looks around, careful not to swing his hair at anyone again. Nearly everyone looks as dazed as he feels. He seems a little less inattentive considering he wasn’t the only one thinking about something else. With that confirmation, he stops surveying his surroundings, and stands from his chair. He notices Caesar follows suit. Trying to move quicker, he stumbles. It isn’t worth it to engage with a style stealer like him.
“Joestar, where do you think you’re going?” Caesar says, putting a hand on his shoulder. Joseph winces, and shakes him off.
“Don’t touch me, Caesar .”
“I won’t if you stay here and explain to me why exactly you’re here.”
“I don’t owe ya that. I said all the important stuff earlier. Anal’s a problem for me, that’s it.”
“We both know that it doesn’t become a problem for no reason. Why are you here, Joseph?”
“My full name isn’t Joseph.”
“Then what is it?”
“Jojo.”
“Oh. Well, then why are you here Jojo?”
“I’m not tellin’ you that, it doesn’t matter to ya.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure. In fact, I think I might already know.”
“Then why’re ya askin’ me?”
“Because it would embarrass you to say it, I’m sure. So, I would quite like it if you would admit it.”
“I wouldn’t admit nothin’ to ya!”
“Alright, alright. I don’t want to sit here and try to argue with you while you speak in that strange voice.”
“Whatcha mean by ‘strange voice’?”
“Well, I just figure that accent of your’s is too stereotypical to possibly be real. Maybe I’m wrong.”
“Yeah, wouldn’t be the first time ya been wrong. Hey, I’m walkin’ here!”
“Perhaps, I suppose there was probably a time in some parallel universe where I was wrong. That said, I’ve also been right.”
“Yeah? ‘Bout what?”
“Your intentions in being here, most likely. You want to win at anal too, don’t you?”
“Caesar , that’s-” Joseph says, stopping as the AA counselor clears his throat.
“The meeting is over. If you must argue, take it elsewhere.”
“No need to worry about that, sir. I’ve told Joseph here everything I needed to.”
Stunned, Joseph stands and watches Caesar as he walks away. He doesn’t want to ‘win’ at anal, he knows this. Still, the accusation doesn’t sit right with him. As his enemy walks away, he feels that he can move again. Once he’s out the door, Joseph makes his leave. He walks slowly, still hoping to avoid him. He exits the small building where the meeting was held, and faces cold autumn air. The season is of no comfort to him.
He walks home, and begins to think about Stink-192. Little known fact, Joseph Joestar is their biggest fan. He takes out his CD player, which he summoned magically from behind his back like a wonder pet, and plays Sandler’s Song.
I never thought I’d wank alone
I moan the loudest, who’d have known?
I trace my finger over my hole
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The kink was mine, I wasn’t shamed enough
I’m too horny to go on
You’ll be sorry when I cum
The lyrics are familiar and warm to him, he smiles thinking about them. He too suffers from excessive horniness. It’s nice to know he isn’t alone.
I never conquered, rarely came
Sixty just held such better days
Days when I still felt it inside
Couldn’t wait to slip and slide
My ass was wide, too late to dry
The high wore off, my dick survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time and jerk alone
As he walks, he flashes back to his anal endeavors. The pain and the pleasure all come back to him in one wave. What was stopping him from quitting? Sure, he enjoys it, but he knows it isn’t worth it when it eats away all his time. What’s stopping him from freeing himself?
I never thought I'd wank alone
Another six months I'll destroy my butthole
Give all my dildos to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll scream in terror, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple lube in the hall
Please tell my dom this is not their fault
The song speaks to him on such a personal level. He thinks about how nice it would be to meet the lead stinker, or really any member. As the biggest Stink182 stinky, he should meet them if anyone. He wonders, if the band could overcome its excessive horniness, could he as well? It’s a hopeful idea.
I never conquered, rarely came
Sixty just held such better days
Days when I still felt it inside
Couldn’t wait to slip and slide
My ass was wide, too late to dry
The high wore off, my dick survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time and jerk alone
A single tear falls from Joseph's eye. He wipes it away, wondering if he’ll really be okay. He can’t let Caesar’s judgment stop him from saving himself. ‘ Caesar Zeppeli can suck it ,’ he thinks.
I never conquered, rarely came
Eighty holds such better days
Days when I can feel it inside
When I can't wait to slip and slide
My ass is wide, never dry
The high is over, I've survived
I can't wait 'til I get home
To pass the time and jerk alone
The song finishes less than a minute before he reaches his house. He puts the CD player away in the mysterious pouch behind his back. Unsure of what to take away from it, he simply tries to forget. Nothing that happened this day was worth remembering. After turning his key in the lock, he opens the door. It’s been a long day, he’s ready to pass the time jerking alone. Just as he enters his house, he notices a strange silhouette near his armchair.
“Caesar ?!”