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You always were the responsible one, huh. I remember when we were little, and you'd take the blame with me so I wouldn't feel alone. I got mad, then you laughed and said it was alright--what kind of self-sacrificing attitude was that to let keep up? So when I tried to watch myself more, so you wouldn't get in trouble; that sure got me more than any boring lectures.
Maehara and Isogai... yep, we're always together. People usually noticed it too, and we don't really think about it, it just felt like the most natural thing. We had lived in the same neighborhood and became friends when we were small, ever since then, we've never grown apart. It was even a bit before our first school days, it just felt right to look out for each other even then. I think people joked we were a set back then too.
I wouldn't hesitate to say I'm really lucky? I've got the kindest person I know in the world for a best friend! But because he's like this, and has some strange aversion to saying "No", he always does accept more work than healthy...
Turning down invites to hang out or watch a movie when we were tinier because he had to look out for his little sister and littler brother. It was always like this, you seeming a couple years too grown up instead of having fun.
Hey, you, it's not like you can perform the perfect balancing act all the time, geez!
But at work, or at play (usually, when I had to literally drag you by the hand away from not doing anything fun, or a tickle attack if I'm more desperate), you always seemed to be so on point and cheerful. That smile of yours, and how you don't stay too discouraged when things go south. It was always warm, and gentle--like your heart, honestly. I've always really liked that about you, and it didn't really change growing older.
At some point I realized, I wanted to protect your smile in the same way you always looked out for me.
When your father died, that was the longest time I didn't see it. I didn't know what to say to you, but when I sat beside you at the swingset you didn't push me to go away. I guess that was a good thing. We later visited the cemetery and though I knew I wouldn't feel the same way you did, it hurt seeing you hurt.
I missed hearing you laugh. But this was something I couldn't directly help with, other than being there.
Recently though during a visit on your father's death anniversary, you told me that my presence had already meant the world to you back then. I was surprised by the sudden thanks, and I just sheepishly nodded and took your word for it. Still, I really don't feel like I did much... it definitely wasn't as much as what you went through, but if it helped, I was glad to hear it.
There were these things that you admitted, and the other bigger things that you kept hidden away. But after all these years of knowing you there's no way you can convincingly lie to me so instead it's hidden behind secrecy.
Things got harder. They weren't fair, not to anyone really, but especially not to someone I've only known to be this selfless his whole life. I was the only one to know about it too, the part-time job. But when he got busted for it, he dropped into the section of our school reserved for the lowest of the bunch, and those who had broken the rules. I bit my lip. The discrimination that class faced by the rest of the school body was unreal. I had been slated to drop there too some time prior out of not caring enough to follow the hell-ish requirements of our school, but you didn't deserve it. You were just looking out to make sure his family would come out alright. When I saw you next, you just wore a smile hiding the brokenness far behind it. That felt awful to see, but I knew I wouldn't be able to force the truth out of you.
Still I decided to confide later, and that was when it came out of your mouth how uncertain it seemed for us to continue on in Kunugigaoka, which was a whole monster we weren't prepared for as kids. After we had both been so excited to receive our acceptance letters, too, it was painfully ironic... At the least, we both agreed, in 3-E we'd continue to have each other's backs.
--
Where should we even begin with the school year that followed? The financial situation didn't get easier, so you took on a job again. But this was along with the harsher requirements of graduation tests to prepare for, your mother's worsened health condition, plus a little thing called the fate of the world. Sometimes, it's hard to believe this is even our reality. But there was the 10 billion yen to think about... as much as our teacher was more than decent and actually a swell guy, we decided to come up with our group that would actively aim for Korosensei's head. That aside, there may or may not have been a few times where we almost lost our lives. Buuuuut it's best not to think too hard about that.
Things seemed to be going well, better than before really. I knew though even as well-managed as things were, it just made things harder when something didn't go according to plan. So when a plate crashed and shattered unceremoniously onto the floor at your workplace, the world just stopped and you froze and rushed out the back before the manager could get another word from their yelling. I dropped whatever I was doing and followed.
You were tired.
Between training, and tests, and looking out for the family and doing work. You finally said it. Bucking down from the weight of everything you had willfully accepted on-top of your shoulders.
And that was okay, I promised.
It's not like you're ever alone.
I wanted to be trusted. I want to keep being your confidant. To help all I can, where I can. Don't lock away when you're sad anymore, at least not with me. You look down to the ground and nod. It had been a while since we had, since we weren't kids anymore. But I approached and slowly wrapped my arms around you for a comfort hug. Though the gesture just made your sobbing louder I think you really needed to get that cry out. The walk home after felt long, but not in a bad way. It was just the aftermath of a long afternoon. Escorting you to see that content face of yours at the end was worth it. There it was, a smile of someone that knew they had a shoulder to learn on. To think I had that sincerity about the weaker moments that not even your own family dear to you gets told about. And--then from your lips came two sentences that meant everything.
I-... I'm pretty sure I felt my face heat up then too, a bit after you turned away back to entering your home. How do you hide so many things out of habit, then just bring out a line like that?
Damn.
It had been bothering me for a while but. But...
I think I do have feelings other than being your best friend.
...
The rest of the walk to my place felt a lot heavier.
Over the next couple weeks, that expression of yours then kept coming back up into my mind. People kept asking if I was distracted, you included, which made me get startled aloud at least thrice. It was. Embarrassing to say the least. But at least no one among the rest of the class really badgered me about it... And that way you fret, with the downward brows and the curl of your frown about if I was really alright was... adorable. Heh, that didn't change from when we were kids either. Geez, was a face that I saw everyday supposed to throw me off this much?
It's really melancholy when one day just the two of us at cleanup duty, you doze off in your desk; I smiled and just let you be and finished the thing myself. Seeing you tired and asleep, it reminded me again for everything you do, and you're good at a lot of things, you're still a human being. And you deserved a break sometimes. And someone to look after you; really, I don't mind if I keep that responsibility.
Brushing your hair aside I can't help but snort. Even your sleeping face is... it's... incredibly cute...
( ... )
When I jerk back because of the small, tickled noise you made I just thought thank God you didn't wake up. Even your forehead would be sensitive too huh... of course, you were ticklish so what was I expecting. Putting my fingers back to my lips I frown a bit--kinda feeling a bit of regret that I just impulsed that because my chest is doing all sorts of weird things right now...! They make me fidget and turn and just!! Feel tingly all over. Crap, turning away I can feel my cheek hot. Is my face red...?
I take a second to appreciate that there were no witnesses.
Again, at least you weren't actually woken up... I wouldn't have known how to explain myself. I groan.
When I calm down, and look at you again I catch myself with a calmer smile. That wow, I really adore being with you.
Doting might be the right word for how I felt? Or is it more wistful a feeling? Probably both, huh...
Until you look at me this way too, you know, maybe keeping up looking out for you like this won't be so bad. For now with the sun setting, I'll just watch your back rise and fall slightly from your sleepy breathing... And make sure when I wake you up early enough so it won't be too dark by the time we walk home. Early enough for making your family dinner. Maybe I should ask if I can help out too. My parents won't mind if I get home a bit late. My train of thought trails off in the afternoon quiet. With just you asleep for company, those words of yours again reflected in my mind.
"You've always been the dearest person I know, Hiroto. Thank you."
Closing my eyes, I don't stop an amused scoff.
"If it's between the two of us, I'm pretty sure those words should have been directed at yourself, Yuuma..."
With that smile, that laugh, and everything you are and do and we've been through. Not even getting into how cute you are.
This feels so for-real, I open my eyes and sigh I can't even prelude it with 'I think'.
After all this time...
I know I've fallen for you.