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When it happened the first time, it freaked Miguel out.
It first happened when the boys were younger, in their very early 20s. It was a few months into Miguel and Tulio’s new partnership, and the two were slowly but surely becoming closer. Tulio was starting to find Miguel’s little quirks less annoying and more endearing, Miguel was even able to get a few good laughs out of him.
And Miguel was starting to feel a deep connection to Tulio, he was sure that this was the start of a beautiful friendship.
But then something happened that changed their relationship forever.
It was the middle of the night, the boys had settled down on the one bed in the cheap inn that they found in the small village they arrived in. Then, in his sleep, Tulio started to struggle; at first, it started out small but then it became violent thrashing, whimpers had also started to escape his throat.
It took a while for Miguel to stir from his sleep, he could feel the moving next to him, and when he opened his eyes; he could see the blurry moving figure laying next to him. He could almost make out the words that slipped between the sleeping man's mouth underneath the whimpers; when his mind finally caught up to what was happening. He leaned over and put a hand on his partner's shoulder, fully intending to shake him awake from his apparent nightmare.
When suddenly, the dark-haired male shot up out of bed, quick as lighting; a sharp yell cut through the almost quiet night like a knife. It frightened the life out of Miguel.
He leaned up as well, watching in disbelief as Tulio curled his knees to his chest and he could see the man faintly rocking himself in the small light of the moon that was able to get into the old house through a broken window.
He almost didn’t hear it, but under the heavy breathing of the taller man, Miguel could swear he could faintly hear crying.
He leaned up all the way and put his hand on Tulio shoulder, whispering “Tulio?” As he did.
The man stiffed under his touch, but he did not lift up his head. "…Sorry I woke you up. You can go back to sleep, I’m fine.” He whispered/croaked out, seeming to desperately try to keep his tears to himself.
Miguel could hear them though, loud and clear.
He debated with himself for a minute, whether he should leave Tulio alone as he wanted, then he heard Tulio’s breath hitch.
It wouldn’t be right to leave Tulio like this when he clearly needed comfort.
“Hey, you don’t have to deal with this on your own, you know? I’m here for you.” He tried to comfort the other man but the hand he placed on his shoulder was violently shrugged off.
“Miguel, just please go to bed. It’s embarrassing enough having you see me like this.” His tone insisted that he wasn’t going to tell Miguel a second time.
Miguel pulled back. “Ok. If that’s what you want, i’m just going to lay down here and go to sleep. And if you wanna talk about it while I’m asleep, you can,” He laid down, facing away from Tulio “and just for the record, you shouldn’t be embarrassed, that’s what friends do; they help one another.”
He kept his eyes fully open but kept his mouth shut; hoping his plan would work. After what felt like forever, Tulio spoke.
“Friends? You think we’re friends?”
He stayed still and silent.
“Oh course you would, only someone like you would possibly call someone like me a friend. A endlessly forgiving idiot.”
He stayed still and silent.
“…No, that’s not fair. But you do put up with me a lot and I just don’t want my nightmares to become another thing you have to put up with. You’re way too much of a good person for me, but I’m happy to call you my friend too…”
He stayed still and silent.
“The truth is… I miss my parents…”
He stayed still and silent.
“They died when I was 11. And it was all my fault. We were always poor, but they always did what they could to provide for me. They stole, cheated and conned, all for me. Then they got caught stealing. They got hung the next day.…”
He stayed still and silent.
“I watched it too… I know, I shouldn’t have. But I just wanted to see them one last time. I was in the front row, I could see the fear in their eyes. I don’t think they saw me, I’m glad they didn’t. I remember hearing the lever being pulled, and then the necks snapping.”
Tears bubbled in Miguel’s eyes, yet he stayed still and silent.
“I don’t remember how long I watched them hang there. A long time for an 11-year-old. I’ve been alone ever since, I took every trick that they had and I used them for myself. I told myself to never get attached again to anyone ever again. Until I met you of course. You’re just so different Miguel.”
He stayed still and silent.
“…Miguel? Are you awake?”
He stayed still and silent.
He felt Tulio lay down in the bed again, and move closer to him. “Thank you for being different, Partner.” He heard the man whisper as his breathing soon evened out and he was sure Tulio was asleep.
Miguel slowly turned in the bed until he was face to face with the sleeping man. Then he reached his arms up and pulled Tulio in until he was held against his chest. ‘I’m never gonna let that happen.’ Miguel thought, ‘Never ever again.’ Then he placed a kiss to the crest of Tulio’s forehead.
Sleep soon too consumed him, yet he never lost his grip on the man asleep in his arms.
Miguel bought candles whenever he could after that and lit them almost every night, hoping they would help.
But the nightmares didn’t go away.
They would soon become a monthly occurrence in the two boys lives. Tulio would have a nightmare, Miguel would try to comfort him directly; get turned away and then he would pretend to be asleep and listen to Tulio while he vented about the reasons he was upset. Then the two would cuddle and say nothing about it in the morning.
Miguel tried to bring up the cuddles once as a joke, and was quickly and brutally shut down; so he shut up and just let them happen.
It did make the boys closer, even if they didn’t realise it, Tulio let himself tell Miguel how he really felt sometimes and Miguel felt better about himself being able to make Tulio smile.
It had been about a year since the first instance and the two were now inseparable. They did everything together and had taught each other so much, not just about conning but about friendship.
Until Miguel started to look forward to Tulio’s nightmares.
Not for reason of seeing Tulio upset, oh no. It was what happed afterwards which Miguel looked forward to. The cuddling, the falling asleep in each other's arms, whatever it was called. Miguel looked forward to it every time.
He felt so guilty.
How could he not? He was getting some kind of sick happiness that was a product of his best friends trauma!
At least that was what he told himself.
He had tried to give Tulio physical affection before, but the man only seams to handle a pat on the shoulder before he seams to get extremely uncomfortable. So he stopped trying.
Miguel then soon begin to Realise just how beautiful his best friend was when he was happy. Every smile that was sent his way made his heart race like he had been running for an hour and his stomach flutter like he was full of butterflies.
…but Tulio could never know.
How exactly could he tell his male best friend that he had been slowly falling in love with him for over a year? Tulio would be disgusted and run away and then Miguel would be all alone in the world again.
He could never let that happen, even if he slowly broke his heart watching Tulio flirt with a new girl every time they went to a new place, he would rather live with Tulio as just a partner, than a stranger he once knew.
But still, he secretly looked forward to Tulio’s nightmares, if only to cuddle.
Until the nightmares came the next month, it happened one week, like usual.And then it happened again, in the same week, and the day after that, and the day after that.
Only… Tulio didn’t tell him why he was upset, he would just sit and cry there. No matter how much Miguel wanted to help, the method had been working up to this point, so he just kept waiting; hoping that Tulio would confess.
But it didn’t happen, and he stopped snuggling up to him after he was done crying. He curled up at the far side of the bed and just went to sleep.
And on top of that, he was avoiding him during the day too, he talked less unless it was about conning and his eyes looked tired.
Miguel was worried. Really worried. Had he done something wrong? Had he, somehow, given his feeling away? Did Tulio hate him now?
No. No, it couldn’t be that. Tulio would have just confronted him if that was the case, he’s brave like that.
After the third time of just crying alone, Miguel had had enough.
The next time Tulio had a nightmare, he was going to comfort him, wherever he liked it or not!
It happened again that same night, it always started out the same as small little whimpers, that if it wasn’t a silent night; you would’ve never have heard them.
But Miguel did hear them and he sat up immediately. He leaned over to his friend's side of the bed and shook his shoulder, hoping to wake him up before he got up screaming again.
But whatever nightmare Tulio was having, he seemed deep in it. Soon the whimpering turned into cries and… words?
“No…no please don’t… leave me…”
‘This is new’ Miguel thought as he tried to soothe his friend in his sleep, gently stroking his hair and holding his shaking hand.
“No… Miguel…please”
‘Me? He’s dreaming about me?’ Miguel wondered what he could be dreaming about, but before he could even think of a theory; Tulio shot up with a scream unlike any of the others he had heard. It was raw and full of pain.
Tulio panted as tears streamed down his face, he turned to Miguel.
“Are you ok?” Miguel asked.
Tulio regained his composure quickly as he wiped his eyes and evened his breath. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”
“Really? That scream makes me think otherwise.”
“It’s really nothing, go back to sleep.” And with that Tulio turned away and tried to lay back in bed. But Miguel was not having it.
Quick as a flash he grabbed Tulio’s shoulder and turned him over onto his back, before Tulio could move Miguel grabbed his writs and pinned him into that position, leaning over him. From the light from a street light that slipped into the room from a not fully closed curtain, Miguel could just make out the red that filled Tulio’s cheeks, but he tried to think about that.
“No, no way. You’ve been avoiding me for weeks now, you don’t tell me your dreams anymore and now your talking to me in your sleep, what the hell is going on with you?” Miguel hissed.
Tulio just avoided his gaze and struggled against his grip. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, let me go.”
Miguel just slightly tightened his grip, “Not until you tell me what the problem is, I thought we we’re friends!” Miguel snapped.
Then Tulio stopped struggling but still did not meet Miguel’s eye. “That’s the problem…” he whispered into the air.
“What?” Miguel questioned.
Tulio’s eyes widened in surprise, he clearly did not intend Miguel to hear that. Miguel was pushed off once again and Tulio turned around to face away from him.
“Nothing! Just fucking to to bed already.” Tulio said, not even bothering to keep his voice down this time.
“No! I’m not gonna let you push me away, not this time. Either you tell me what’s going on or I’m leaving, forever!” Miguel threatened, he knew it was a low blow. It was low to use Tulio’s fears against him, but he was shocked when Tulio didn’t even flinch.
He heard Tulio whisper again, “You’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you? You’re really going to make me be the one to ruin our friendship, huh? Fine.”
Tulio sat up and sat on the edge of the bed, but didn’t turn to face him.
“…I like you, Miguel.” Tulio said, sadness in his voice.
“…I like you too Tulio, but what’s that-“ Miguel was cut off abruptly as Tulio yelled out, “Let me finish!”
After a few seconds of silence, Tulio continued, “…I like you a lot… I like you too much… I’d even go so far as to say I love you, Miguel.…”
Another beat of silence.
“I know I shouldn’t, and I’m so sorry but I couldn’t help myself. Everything about you, from your stunning blonde hair, dazzling smile and just the way that you make me laugh. I tried so hard not to let it get in the way. But then I started having nightmares, where I told you and then I never saw you again… you told me how disgusting I rightfully am, you couldn’t even look me in the eye.”
Tulio let out a sad chuckle as tears fell from his bright blue eyes.
“Not that I blame you. I’m sorry I avoided you, but looks like it was all in vain since it came out anyway… you can leave if you want, I won’t stop you.”
Miguel couldn’t believe his ears, was this all some beautiful dream?
He had to be sure.
He reached over and placed his hand on Tulio’s shoulder, ignoring the hint of pain I went through his heart when his partner flinched at his touch, probably expecting a punch or something.
“Tulio, look at me.” He commanded.
Tulio slowly turned to face him, a lone tear dripped from the corner of his eye; which Miguel gently wiped away with his thumb.
“Miguel?”
“Tell me this isn’t a dream. Tell me this isn’t just some beautiful, wonderful dream and I’m going to wake in in the morning and nothing will have changed between us. Please Tulio…?”
“What?” Tulio asked, genuinely confused; wasn’t this the part that Miguel spew slurs and harsh words at him, words he completely deserved, before storming out forever?
“Tell me this is real and I actually have a chance to call you mine? My Querido, my Tulio?” Miguel felt his eyes become missy as tears collected in them.
Please, please don’t let this be a dream.
“Miguel…” Tulio’s voice was soft, almost fragile as if it and his heart would break any minute, he pulled his hands up and placed them on either side of Miguel’s face. “You couldn’t possibly want me…”
“And why not? What good reason do you have that I couldn’t possibly fall from you?”
“Heh,” Tulio grinned, but it was weak and forced, “Because you know just how messed up I am.”
Miguel felt his heart sink.
“What?”
“I know you’ve been awake every single time I’ve had a nightmare, you always stayed up with me until I fell asleep. I may be a lot of things Miguel, but an idiot is not one of them.”
Tulio let his hands fall from Miguel’s face and turned away from him again.
“It’s why I fell for you in the first place, nobody cared about me after my parents died. Until you came along and then suddenly it wasn’t just about me anymore, I wasn’t alone and somebody cared again… I fell in love with the first person in a long time who’s given me the slightest bit of human decency and kindness.” Tulio let out a sad laugh as tears welled up in his eyes again as his self-hatred clouded his mind.
“How pathetic is that? You don’t have to pretend to love me Miguel, you don’t even have to like me anymore, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. So you can go if you want-!”
Before Tulio could continue his sentence, he was violently grabbed and pulled into an almost too tight embrace. He felt Miguel’s head on his shoulder and he could feel the other man shaking as well.
“Miguel?” He asked out if concern.
“Please don’t tell me to go…” Miguel chocked out as he held back tears himself. “Please don’t, we can just pretend this night never happened if you let me stay. Please… I do love you Tulio, a lot, I have for months, I’m not lying I swear. And yes I was awake all those times; I know it was wrong to eavesdrop but all those night did was make me fall even deeper in love with you.”
He took Tulio by the shoulders and spun him around so they were face to face.
“And I know that might sound impossible to you, but to me, you are the most lovable person I’ve ever met! How many times would I have to say that to make you believe it? Well, I’ll start now!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love y-!”
He was cut off the last time as Tulio had thrown himself at Miguel and pulled him in for a kiss. A kiss that lasted a good few seconds before Tulio pulled back and leaned his head on Miguel’s shoulder.
All was quiet before Tulio’s muttered, “You are a real pain in the arse, you know that? Making me worry so much…”
Miguel blinked before chuckling, “Well it’s not like I knew what you were so stressed about before, you worry yourself too much.”
“I worry just right the amount.” Tulio argued.
Miguel just laughed harder and pulled the two men back on the bed, before cuddling close to one another. “It’s late, we best get back to sleep or else we’ll be tired in the morning.”
“Miguel?”
“Yeah, Tulio?”
“What are we?”
“We can be whatever you want, as long as we’re together.”
“…Were still partners, right?”
“Of course we are… but we can be more if you want.”
“I’d like that.”
“Good. Goodnight, Tulio.”
“Goodnight Miguel… I love you.”
“Te amo demasiado cariño.”
It was safe to be said, The nightmares were a lot less frequent after that night. But whenever they did happen at least Tulio would have Miguel to hold them afterwards.