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Shoko didn't know a lot about love. She knew there were different kinds, of course. The love she had for her childhood friend Akira, for being the person who deeply cared and accepted who she was. The love she had for Utahime, for being something similar to a mother figure. A person who could trust without ever acknowledging where this trust had come for. The love she had for her father, something so distant, slipping out of her hands. A love that was only connected with the loose ties that could be described as father-daughter love. Something she had questioned over the years, whether the place in her heart for her father was a deserved one.
But there was one person she knew, who she couldn't exactly pinpoint what she felt for them.
Suguru was a boy in her class when she attended Tokyo Metropolitan Curse Technical College. Someone who had been so shy around her when they had first met but eventually she shared jokes with him and cigarettes, then bantered like friends.
Friends.
But they weren't really friends. They were something different. Because at some point everything had shifted. At some point, their bantering became borderline flirting and he could make her blush by holding eye contact and smiling. At some point, she found herself always having a multitude of reasons to go and visit him in his dorm room. Sometimes, she invited him to play video games at Satoru's room or smoke cigarettes on the roof.
At some point, she no longer looked at him and felt deep bonds of friendship. She looked at him and her heart felt gold.
And she fell in love.
The kind of love where she was content and at the same time, she wanted more. The kind of love that had her googling 'what does it feel like to be in love'. The love that lit a fire in her eyes and set loose the fire raging in her heart. The love she wanted to hold on forever, the way it took over her without a choice.
Because Shoko Ieiri loved Suguru Geto. And, God, it was magnificent.
But now, it was magnificently cursed. It was all different. The thought made her cringe. The love she felt had turned into disgust— no, it was repulsion. And so, here she was in a bar. Thank goodness, she was of past above the legal drinking age now— twenty and a five. If not, she would've been in her apartment drinking stale beer while burning her lungs with a pack of Benson & Hedges.
Faint orange lights pierced through the decaying layers of the old shack, revealing the tipsy, unhappy people of this part of city. Distorted chatter and glasses clinked on the wooden table from all sides of the room. A strong stench hit her nose, reminding her of greasy pork.
Shoko had considered herself a regular here. She would drop by every Thursday night after her 6 pm class. She used to come on Fridays but the place was brimming with people she could no longer enjoy a drink or two. Thursday worked better for her, besides it was the only vacant night for her to have her respite away from the stress of her medical course and the peril of curses.
Also, the rowdiness and pretenses of drunk, lonely people were tolerable enough in this bar. She had found a strange comfort watching the people drown in their misery. They came here to soak in their regrets and failures. Shoko laughed at the thought. They could choose other vibrant places to obtain their temporary fix, but they picked this secluded corner, located by a silent river. Maybe they felt less lonely when they shared the same doom.
Shoko, however, didn't come here to feel less lonely. Rather, she was here to isolate from people she knew. She disliked the idea of bumping into familiar faces and forcing herself into small talks.
She moved to the counter and secured a seat there. She ordered a glass of whiskey on the rocks, then popped open two buttons on her white cotton button-up. She hadn't meant to seduce someone tonight. That gesture was all because she was feeling hot and flustered from today's demanding sorcerer's work.
She sipped from the glass. Pursing her lips, she did what she always do—observe. Her eyes traveled around the room. She gave a light chuckle at anyone who looked quirky. But, it got boring while watching drunk people brooding about their problems. So, she just vibe with the music playing, gently moving her head.
Oh just take me where you go
When it gets dark without you I won't make it out
I don't think I'll make it out alive. I wanna run and hide
With you tonight I know that I can make it out
With you I know I'll make it out alive
Stifling a yawn, Shoko rubbed her weary eyes as she sipped from the glass while hiding the exhaustion she had as the burning sensation went down her throat in a feeble smile.
The song ended. Another one played from the same band. It suddenly changed her mood. She knew this song. She gritted her teeth and swallowed her drink, slamming the glass on the counter with a force she didn't mean to apply. She ordered another drink and gulped in hopes the alcohol would drown the memories of him, that were trying to surface on her mind. Maybe, she was more alike with these people than she acknowledged it to be.
Can I erase from my mind anything that you said or
Any time that we spent with each other?
I don't want to waste away another cell on a memory
When you're just another meaningless lover.
The night air was beginning to chill when Shoko pushed open the door to the rooftop.
"Beautiful night, isn’t it?" Suguru said and chuckled when Shoko jumped, startled by his presence.
"I’m going to fucking kill you, asshole," she said, trying to gain some composure by glaring at Suguru.
"What are you doing up here, Shoko? Feeling like stargazing?"
"I should be asking that myself."
"Well, like I said, it is a beautiful night," he replied, laying his back against the cornice, beside Shoko. "And you?"
She turned her gaze away from him. “That’s none of your business.”
"True," Suguru uttered and took a swing of his beer. He could feel Shoko's eyes following the movement, "Care for some?"
Shoko grabbed the offered bottle and took one full swig, returning the bottle in a single movement, leaving Suguru speechless and a bit worried.
She had noticed a very subtle change in Suguru after the Star Plasma Vessel mission. At first she had thought it was her imagination, in the end he had gone back to more dangerous missions alone while Satoru worked harder to become the strongest. But Shoko ignored that subtle change because he kept being consistent with his sharp remarks and dry humor, their casual banters and inside jokes.
"What are you thinking?" Suguru said, breaking the silence, then placing a cigarette between his pale lips.
Shoko met her eyes and offered him a light, ignoring his question.
"I can practically hear your brain working, and we both know the way you spend beautiful nights is screwing as many girls as you can, not this, so if you have something to say—" Well, it’s true, Shoko had flirted with girls from other Tokyo schools, exceeding Suguru and Satoru’s count.
"Right, Suguru," she said, a bit annoyed. "Look, I know you try to be a good friend for me but you yourself needed one—" she stopped him from interrupting her, "don’t you dare to deny it."
Smoke flared as Suguru exhaled.
"Like you said to me, Sho, that is none of your business," he cut her, stepping down of the cornice.
"I know, just…" she took a deep breath, looking at the back of her dear friend, his black hair hiding his lovely face. "Everything’s going to be fine, okay? Eventually. I imagine it has to be a lot to take, I’m not even certain I could have handled it as well as you do. Damn, you are brave as fuck."
Suguru turned his back and met Shoko right in the eye.
"Just…if you ever need someone to talk to, or to not talk at all and spend nights with you like this, up in a roof, I’m here. You don’t have to do it alone."
The silence stretched between them. Shoko's eyes never left Suguru’s, until the boy felt utterly uncomfortable with everything and decided that might be his cue to leave.
"Well, that was it," he sighed in a light tone as he straightened his back and begun walking towards the exit. "Thanks, though."
"Suguru."
He turned his back to find Shoko looking at him, a kind of smile playing on her lips.
"I think we might be needing two more of that," Shoko said, nodding to the forgotten beer in Suguru’s hand.
There were a lot of things unsaid, hanging in the air. She could feel them, like electricity around them. But he smiled back. And that was it. His smile resembled the crescent moon above. It was a convex on his face tarnished with melancholy but so grand.
“Right you are” Suguru said, hearing an ‘asshole’ from Shoko in a heavy accent following him down the stairs.
There would be a moment for them, later, she thought. She was glad that there would be a ‘later’ for both of them.
Right now they had to fetch as many beers as they can and snuck it in her dorm room.
Forget the nights that we spent laughing
Until the morning on your bedroom floor
Without a thought about your roommate asleep down the hall.
Forget the days we'd waste in bed, tangled,
The smoke still on your breath,
Undressed and pinning you up to the wall.
The next thing Shoko did was order five shots of tequila, hoping it would be enough to drown the memories surging through her brain— those consecutive nights they spent together in her dorm room that led from friendly conversations to tongues and bones melded together. And it's true, she had relied on alcohol, trying to sleep without having dreams of him. But sometimes liquor didn't work. So there were countless nights she had lain awake just so she could lie to herself she didn't miss him. But she was always beat to it.
She blamed him for it. If only she hadn't spent Suguru's last two weeks in Tokyo High with him, she would already have gotten over. But no, she was in love and she had chosen to be there for him despite the fact he hadn't disclosed any of his disconcerting problems. Instead, she stripped naked and offered her heart to worship and cradle his rotting soul. So eight years and counting, she still harbored unresolved romantic feelings for the man who fled. She hadn't even told him that. She hated him now. No, she wanted to hate him but couldn't bring herself to do it.
I would hate you but I'm not finished yet.
I would hate you but I'm not finished yet.
As she gulped the last shot down her throat, she started to eye the crowd, looking for someone she could make out tonight. "How many more people do I have to kiss just to get the stamp of your lips off of my brain?" She slurred under her breath.
She moved to get up when she spotted someone to her liking. But before she made a step, a voice accented with a possible undertone of care caused her to utter a groan.
"Are you alright?"
She glanced back, her hazy vision didn't recognize the pair of dark eyes so familiar, narrowed in concern: a feature belonging to a man dressed in black jacket matched with trousers, his hair longer tied in a half-bun, and his face brighter with a smile.
"Mmmh," is what Shoko only managed to say as she tipped forward if it was not for the man to catch her in a strong but delicate grip. Jolting her senses back, she stepped away from him.
"Yo, it's the cult leader!" Shoko exclaimed and had finally recognized him. People looked at them but went back to their business when they'd seen there was nothing quite interesting happening.
"Is that how you greet an old friend?"
"Yeah."
“What’s a beauty like you doing all by your lonesome?"
His attempt at flirting was left crushed.
"Who says I'm alone?"
"Oh. Then forgive my assumptions, Shoko." His voice laced with amusement. And the way her name rolled in his tongue made her flinch in repugnance. Looking sideways, he added, "But I don't see anyone."
"You're not fond of hanging out in a place full of non-sorcerers. So why are you here, Geto?"
Suguru raised a brow, wanting to call out on Shoko for dropping the first name basis. Instead, he grinned as silence fell between them except for the aimless chatter of people and the low music that played.
"I've always been here every Thursday. Like you."
Shoko gasped inwardly in shock. How come had she never detected his energy? Perhaps she was too exhausted to become hyperaware.
"So you've been stalking me? What a creep." Shoko snorted.
He let out soft chuckles. Then he looked at Shoko's alcohol-stained lips down to her opened buttons on her blouse. His own gaze a glint of mischief and an underlying sense of lust.
"I've watched a beauty like you drink here then wait for someone to take interest in you."
"You think so lowly of me. I choose to wait before I pursue."
"You're waiting for what?" His playful smirk had become suggestive.
"None of your business."
"So care to introduce me to your company? You said you're not alone."
Shoko had scoffed then turned and dragged her feet slowly but was stopped when Suguru placed his hand on her shoulder.
"Let me be your company then. For old time's sake."
The music drained away in the white noise and for a moment a comfortable silence hung in the air. Shoko couldn't turn down her friend's offer. So, she nodded involuntarily and blushed like a teenage girl.
She slid back onto the stool and he perched beside her. He bought two pints of beer for them, said it's on him. They didn't talk much but he had asked about how Satoru was and Yaga-sensei, how was the school doing without him, how was her life going. She almost said it's lonely without him. But she pinched herself from saying that. The words rolled from her mouth, "It's all good. Never been better. I'll be taking the medical licensure exam next year."
Suguru replied, "You'd cheat your way through that."
She hadn't realized she was holding her breath for quite some time since Suguru revealed himself to her. But now, she relaxed and laughed so comfortably.
"Laugh again, you'll make me fall in love." Suguru smiled into his glass as he drained the last of it.
Shoko shrugged, though a coy smile was crossing her lips. She knew she should be asking for her heart back, the one he had taken over and over again during those nights spent laid in bed. The one he still had but didn't know. But Shoko was also oblivious that Suguru knew it all along, that he squeezed his left lung to make room for her heart, secured it there and made his own heartbeat sync with hers.
"You're just gonna stare at me all night?" Shoko asked.
"Maybe. The view's good." Suguru smirked.
"Does that really work? I mean I do that with strangers. But it's different with friends."
"I don't know." Suguru said, tapping his foot to the music as his eyes fixed on Shoko. "Is it?"
She only swallowed and said nothing. She could feel them traveling from her lips down to the two open buttons of her blouse, cleavage showing.
"I haven't decided yet," Shoko concluded. "Why don't you get yourself another drink and I'll think about it?"
Suguru grinned darkly and leaned into her ear, then whispered, "There's a building nearby. It has a rooftop. Wanna go there?"
Shoko shivered as his warm breath tickled the sensitive skin behind her ear. She knew that's not what Suguru's suggesting. But of course, she wanted to taste his mouth, despite how the sharp bitterness would bit her tongue. So she teased, sliding her hand lightly on his thigh.
"And what are we gonna do?"
Suguru might had endured those Thursday nights when Shoko kissed non-sorcerers in a dark corner of this old shack but tonight he was certain he wouldn't stand the sight of it any longer. So he got off his stool, taking Shoko's hand and said, "Let's take back the nights we lost."
Shoko recoiled her hand but when she looked at the burning fire in Suguru's eyes, all she could do was stand and follow him, deep down to an old treacherous slope. She was falling as they exit the lonely bar. And they're running hand in hand, hiding in the dark shadows as they climbed the stairs of the building, lips now connected and hands all over each other's body. The kiss became firm and deep as they ascend and finally reach the rooftop.
She broke away from the kiss abruptly to catch her breath and stared at the man she adored dangerously. "It's a sin to love you," Shoko thought, "but I don't know how to hate you."
With a painful sigh, Shoko admitted, "Let me have you tonight."