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Emily was surprised when she returned to the bullpen and found Elle asleep.
She had just gotten back from some late night errands, mostly a boring distribution of files around the different departments, and expected it to be empty. In the back of her mind Emily had considered Elle may be there, working through files and drinking a coffee she surely shouldn’t be having so late.
Elle didn’t like going home much anymore.
But Emily hadn’t expected to find Elle asleep against her desk, arms tucked under her head, ink from her pen smudged on her hands.
Emily knew all too well what symptoms of hypervigilance and a lack of sleeping looked like, seeing them in Elle constantly. They echoed in her every movement. It made sense, given the way the Fisher King case had ended for Elle.
Emily approached Elle quietly, so wrapped up in her guilt over waking Elle that she forgot about that very hypervigilance, resting a hand on Elle’s shoulder.
Elle shot up, back going ramrod straight, eyes flashing with panic like she were a deer staring down the barrel of a hunter's gun. Elle scrambled for her own gun, drawing the weapon from her holster before she noticed it was only Emily.
“Oh.” Elle breathed, slowly putting her gun back. Her hands had started to shake.
“It’s just me.” Emily reassured, dropping her hand to Elle’s shoulder again. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“I know.” Elle responded, shrugging out from under Emily’s hand and standing up from her chair. Elle raised her arms overhead, stretching onto her tiptoes with a yawn, and Emily noticed a smear of ink on her cheekbone.
“I should probably get home.” Elle said as she started to pack her bag. There was a rush to her movements, though it was covered well. She was good at acting natural when she felt anything but.
“I was about to head out too,” Emily said as she glanced over towards her bag. It was mostly packed.
Elle gave a short nod.
She was annoyed with the way Emily hovered her. Ever since Elle had returned, admittedly taken aback by the sudden addition to the team, Emily had been watching her closely, trying too hard to be overwhelmingly kind.
In the same breath, Emily seemed to be the only one who really noticed Elle wasn’t doing as well as she pretended. Elle wasn’t sure if she was truly annoyed at Emily, or just annoyed that a stranger could see her better than her team.
“I’ll walk you out.” Emily spoke up, breaking Elle from her spiraling thoughts.
“You don’t have to.” Elle reasoned as she slipped in the last file she needed to bring home.
“I want to.”
Elle slung her bag onto her shoulder and followed Emily out towards the parking garage. Elle knew it was pointless to argue with Emily, Emily was just as stubborn as she was.
They had just made it outside when something, somewhere dropped.
Emily didn’t know where the sound came from, immediately looking back at Elle. Elle spun around, reaching a hand up to cradle her neck after having turned it so quickly. She took a deep breath in through trembling lips, watching as the darkness tangled and untangled itself around shapes that were not there.
But Elle could swear they were.
She fumbled for her keys, still rooted to her spot, unable to take her eyes off the shadows.
“Hey,” Emily called, taking a few steps closer. This time she remembered to keep her distance from Elle, not to touch the woman while she was looking away. “Everything’s alright, Elle.”
Once Emily had Elle’s gaze, she carefully looped their arms together.
“Let’s get you home.”
Elle was still tense, eyes jumping across every edge of the parking garage, but she nodded and followed Emily. In this moment, Emily felt like an anchor, pulling Elle from the sea of her thoughts.
“Should you be alone tonight?” Emily asked cautiously.
“I can be.” Elle mumbled, glancing down at where Emily’s arm held her own. For the first time, she noticed the ink on her hands.
“But do you want to be?”
“No, not really.”
“Then you won’t be.” Emily assured, surprised by Elle’s admission. “Do you want to come to my place?”
“Let's do mine. I need to get used to sleeping there again.” Emily had a hard time hearing Elle’s mumbled words over the sounds around them. Quantico was lively at night, full of car horns and far off drunken laughter.
“Okay, let me just grab my go bag.”
Elle nodded, stopping in front of her car. Thankfully, Emily wasn’t parked too far away.
Elle peered into the backseat while Emily’s back was turned, making sure it was empty.
If only she had done that in her house when she had gotten back from Jamaica, if she hadn’t been stupid enough to lay down without a second thought.
Having cleared the backseat, Elle slid into the driver's seat of her car, trying to will her hands to stop shaking. She was still second guessing her decision when Emily settled into the passenger seat.
Elle reached over, immediately locking the doors, and ignored Emily’s arched brow.
Emily had hoped to get something out of the car ride, but knew she wouldn’t. She could see the way Elle reverted back into herself, the ghost of transparency slithering back under Elle’s skin.
When Elle turned the radio up, Emily didn’t say anything. She simply watched the way Elle’s eyes danced dangerously around the road, her thoughts overpowering her even while she was driving.
As they pulled back into Elle’s driveway, Emily caught the tension that weaved itself back into Elle’s shoulders, burrowing itself along her nerves.
She truly couldn’t let herself relax.
They walked to her front door in silence. Elle waved Emily inside first, and slipped in after her, shutting and locking the door. She had the overwhelming urge to check every closet and hidden corner like she would on any other night, but forced herself to stay still.
Elle could only look so out of her mind in front of Emily.
“Make yourself at home.” Elle said, placing her bag down on the table. She wiped her hands across her jeans, tapping her foot nervously. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”
Elle walked down the hallway, as Emily slowly placed her bag on the floor. She felt awkward, unable to stop herself from analyzing the space.
The window seat was bare of pillows and blankets, left untouched after Garner ruined the space for Elle. There was a large spot on her wall covered by paint that was just a few shades too bright. Hotch had tried his best to clean and cover the blood, but traces always remained.
Settling down on Elle’s couch, Emily crossed her legs and tried not to think of the memories that lingered in the room around her. The space itself breathed with something dark and fearful.
In the shower, Elle turned the water as hot as it could go and scrubbed her skin raw. It didn’t matter how hard she tried, the feeling of fingers crawling within her wasn’t something that could be washed away.
She dried her hair, and replaced her work clothes with shorts and an old t-shirt. It slipped off her shoulder, but still rested high enough to cover her newly healed scar. Elle pressed her lips together tightly, and turned away from the ghost of her reflection in the bathroom mirror to go find Emily.
“Feeling better?” Emily asked as Elle tiptoed her way back into the living room. There was something about seeing her barefoot, in a shirt too big, and shorts too short that made Emily want to smile. She almost looked vulnerable.
“Much.” Elle responded. “If you need a shower, it’s all yours.”
“If you don’t mind.” Emily said, shouldering her go bag. Elle gave a nod, sitting down on the couch and leaning back on the cushions.
“I’ll be just fine.”
Emily wasn’t sure if she believed the statement or not. But she was sure that she was surprised by the familiar smell of Elle’s shampoo. Lavender, and something sweeter. The bottle said honey, but Emily wasn’t sure that was accurate.
She had smelt it in the rare moments Elle got close, leaning over Emily’s shoulder to look at a file, or sneaking past her for coffee in the morning. In moments like these, where Emily wasn’t worried about the woman’s wellbeing, she was focused on the smell of her hair, the pattern of the freckles on her cheeks.
Completely normal, Emily often reasoned.
Of course, things were similar for Elle. In the moments she wasn’t annoyed by Emily’s tendency to hover, she was fascinated by the way Emily’s hair moved as she walked. The way she pursed her lips while she was thinking on the plane, occasionally picking at her nails.
It just wasn’t like either of them to mention it.
Emily finished her shower quickly, drying her hair and hoping the lavender smell would stick. She grabbed the first thing from the top of her go bag, sweatpants and a tank top, before making her way back to the living room.
She caught sight of Elle as she passed by the kitchen, stretching up on her tiptoes to reach into one of her cabinets.
“Need some help?” Emily asked, not that she was much taller.
“I got it” Elle called back, fingers wrapping around the narrow neck of a bottle as she pulled it down. Emily frowned.
“Whisky?”
Elle hummed in response, grabbing two glasses from the lower shelf in the cabinet.
Emily watched as Elle poured a drink. It was hard not to notice the familiarity with which Elle’s hands handled the items. Elle turned, holding the glass out to Emily, who shook her head.
“You don’t want any?” Elle questioned.
“I’m here to talk.” Emily responded, tone hard.
“About?”
“You.”
“Couldn’t even ask me out to dinner first?” Elle teased, lips ghosting the edge of the glass, which she had now accepted as her own. “I’m really not that interesting, Prentiss.” Elle tilted her head, strands of hair brushing across her cheeks. The ends were more jagged than Emily had realized.
“I want to talk about how you are.” She took a step closer to Elle, joining the other woman in leaning against the counter. “Please?”
Elle rolled her eyes, if only to cover the building of tears.
Why had Emily been the only one to ask how she was?
“I’m doing okay.” Elle whispered, forcing it between clenched teeth. Her eyes caught on the dark disbelief in Emily’s.
“Besides the fact that everything is wrong.” Elle admitted, glancing towards the amber liquid swirling in her glass. Emily’s eyes were suddenly too dark, deep and judgemental rather than something warm and inviting.
Elle was tired of looking up and seeing only darkness waiting for her.
“What do you mean?” Emily questioned.
“I’m feeling things that aren’t there. Hands under my skin all the time. It feels like when he…” Elle trailed off, fighting a shudder at the phantom finger that dug deeper into her chest. The finger had a habit of blooming into a hand, greedy and grabbing whatever it could as it pulled.
It was a miracle it hadn’t torn her apart already.
“It feels like he held my heart in his hands...and he crushed it.”
“Your heart is still beating.” Emily assured, noticing the haunting look on Elle’s face.
“And my hair,” Elle changed the subject casually, her thoughts unable to stay on one track. They were a train derailing, and she had no point but to follow where they crashed.
“I panic when I go to put it up and it’s not as long as it used to be, because I can still feel it there, on my back all the time.” Elle tried not to think of the way Garner's fingers had hurriedly pushed her hair away from her shoulders, cursing the length of the strands as they soaked with blood and clung to her stubbornly.
Harder yet, she tried not to think of her bleeding hands from breaking her bedroom mirror, unable to look at her reflection and see the same person. Or, the rusted kitchen scissors she used that same night to shear some of the length away. The point was that she wouldn’t be able to feel it anymore.
And then, she could.
Emily opened her lips, but didn’t know what to say. Elle seized the silence, thoughts clumsily spilling from her lips despite her still full glass.
“I feel like if I put too much pressure on one foot the ground will break under me. Not just me - all of us - all of you. One wrong move and I ruin everything.” Elle sucked in a wavering breath. “Do you know what it’s like to go through your day when every step feels wrong?”
“Elle,” Emily breathed, grabbing Elle’s hand and rubbing circles over her now open palm. “You haven’t ruined anything.”
“That’s the thing.” Elle mumbled, snatching her hand away from Emily. Fingers balling into a fist, she allowed it to fall limp. “I’m scared I was doomed to ruin everything from the start...there was always something off. Something was always loose in me, you know? And he just happened to be the one to dislodge it.”
Elle expected Emily’s silence. The weight of her words was palpable, spreading across the room with the thickness of incense. Elle downed her drink in one gulp, suddenly tired of being sober. It was warm as it curled it’s way down her throat, slipping into her stomach like a twisted honey.
Emily had an expression on her face Elle couldn’t quite read, surprising given her expertise. She could only hope Emily wasn’t upset. But why would she be?
She had wanted the truth, and here it was.
Elle grabbed the bottle again, filling her glass, and raising it to her lips.
“I think you’ve had enough.”
“Do you?” Elle questioned, taking a large sip regardless of Emily’s scolding. “I don’t remember asking.”
One second, she was growing angry and preparing to finish off the rest of it. The next, Emily’s hand was darting out, wrapping around Elle’s wrist and stilling her movement.
“This isn’t the way to make yourself better.”
“I’m an adult.”
“You’re a mess.” Emily shot back, easing the glass from Elle’s fingers. “And you’re never going to stop feeling like this if you keep acting like you’re not feeling anything.”
Elle crossed her arms, looking at the floor. “This was a mistake.” She mumbled under her breath, despite knowing that Emily wasn’t lying. She was the only one willing to be honest.
“What you just told me, that’s not normal Elle. That’s not healing.”
“So what is?”
“Talking about how you really feel is a start.” Emily said as she moved closer to Elle, resting her hands on Elle’s shoulders. Noticing the tears glimmering in the other woman’s avoidant eyes, Emily sighed. “And letting yourself cry when you need to.”
Elle’s lips trembled, the whisky suddenly seeming like a bad idea as she tried to keep her feelings down.
Elle covered her mouth, though her fingers could not cage her whimpers. Tears, hot and fast, slipped over her cheeks and dripped onto her fingers. Her body shook, knees threatening to give out on her as she leaned into Emily.
“It’s alright.” Emily whispered, cupping the back of Elle’s head.
Elle kept her hands tightly over her mouth, while Emily tried her best to keep Elle together. Emily knew her hands alone were not enough to remedy all the pieces that had suddenly fallen around her as she adjusted her hold on Elle, but for the night, they would be enough.
Sniffling like a child, Elle wiped at her face and looked up at Emily.
“Why…” Elle began, but trailed off, the rest of the question suddenly too heavy for her lips. It didn’t matter, because Emily knew.
“You have people that care about you.”
“I know.” Elle mumbled, pulling the inside of her cheek between her teeth. Of course she knew, but convincing herself over the past few months had been easier said than done.
“Do you?” Emily questioned.
“If nothing else, I guess I’ve got you.”
“I’m touched that you think so highly of my company.”
Elle laughed, wiping under her eyes. She allowed Emily to pull her closer again, into a loose hug, and rested her head against Emily’s shoulder.
“You look tired.” Emily said.
“Let’s go sit down.” Elle replied, dragging Emily over towards the couch. She grabbed the TV remote, and put it on a random channel. She wasn’t expecting to actually do much watching.
“Can I ask you something?” Emily asked, proving Elle’s point.
“Go for it.”
“This is about more than Garner isn’t it? What you said, about feeling like something has always been off.”
Elle nodded. There was no real point at lying to Emily anymore.
“I guess I just never really felt like I was fully a part of the team. It was hard to come in when they already had something good going. I was worried about messing things up long before Garner.”
“I’m sure all of them would say you’ve done nothing but make the team better.” Emily pointed out.
“I used to think that.” Elle muttered, eyes downcast. “As much as I like having you around, I could never figure out why Hotch would bring someone new in. Unless he had his doubts that I’d be enough for the team when I got back.”
Emily smiled at Elle’s brief admission to liking her company. “It’s not easy to come back after what you went through. Most people wouldn’t be able to.” Emily paused, angling herself closer to Elle.
“You know you’re enough in whatever you do, Elle.”
Looking over at Elle, Emily was surprised by the look on her face.
“What?”
“I don’t think anyone’s ever told me that before.” Elle admitted. Emily’s lips turned down into a frown, while Elle rested her head against Emily’s shoulder, pretending she hadn’t seen the change in expression.
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” Emily argued. “But you have me to tell you now.”
And the rest of the team once Emily had a good word with them.
“You know everything's going to work out okay, right?” Emily spoke up after the silence stretched on a moment too long. Elle didn’t answer. Looking down, Emily found her to be fast asleep.
The tension that had lingered in every inch of Elle’s form had finally melted away, as though Emily’s presence had pulled it out of her.
Gently, Emily eased Elle down, resting her head against a pillow. She smoothed Elle’s hair from her face, and had just started to put a blanket over her when Elle stirred, hands grabbing the blanket as she sat up.
“Go back to sleep.” Emily mused.
“Bedroom,” Elle mumbled, still half asleep as she trudged down the hallway.
“You don’t want me to stay on the couch?”
“No”
The room was dark, lights already off. Elle stumbled to pull her covers down, trying to keep the blanket draped around her shoulders. Emily felt relieved to see Elle’s guard falling completely away as she crawled beneath the covers.
Emily slid in next to Elle, while Elle tried to spread the blanket from the couch out to cover them both.
“I’m warm enough.” Emily teased, causing Elle to stop her fumbling and turn her face towards the pillows instead.
“Emily?” She whispered, caught in the drowsiness that settled between sleep and being awake.
“Hm?”
“You know that you’re enough, too?”
“Thank you, Elle.”
Instead of answering, Elle curled closer to Emily, close enough that their fingers nearly touched. Running her fingertips against Emily’s, Elle gave a smile in the dark, the first one Emily had seen from her in a while.
Perhaps, ever.
“Let’s get some sleep.”
Neither Emily nor Elle needed to think twice about that.