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He had heard it before. That the rarity of a product made it's worth. That you could only do one thing at a time. That you only had one soulmate. That only romantic love was true love.
He always hated all those sentences.
So what?
Why wouldn't he make a lot of things if it pleased people? What if he could take care of those he loved while having fun? What if he had four or even five soulmates? What if he didn't know romantic love? Did that make him heartless? Wasn't his friendship enough? Wasn't was he was giving enough? Did he lose his value because he had too much love to give? Was it really how it worked?
Those questions swirled aimlessly in his head once in a while when his resolve felt weakened.
When his mother cried because of him.
When Kazutora looked at him with such darkness that he felt he was going to fall in it and never get out again.
When Shinishiro called out his name.
When his head hit the ground.
When the police sirens started to yell in his ears.
When Kazutora got taken by the police.
When he faced Mikey and saw his eyes, the exact contrary of Kazutora's, empty, as if looking right through him.
When he made his mother cry again.
When Kazutora got sent to juvie.
When he went to visit Shinishiro's grave for the first time.
When he had to choose between two of the people he loved the most in the world and hurt one of them so badly he didn't think he would ever be forgiven. Or maybe was he already? He thought that would be even worse.
Looking back at it, Baji's life could have seemed sad. So many doubts and fears. So many obstacles to his dreams. But he didn't feel sad. Some may call him an idiot but Keisuke Baji preferred to look at the good times rather than cry at the more depressing ones.
Like when he first beat Mikey in the dojo. Sure it was because the other had slipped on a leaf and Baji was just lucky he could score a punch. Sure Mikey had decided to beat him up for it and Shinishiro ended up getting hurt trying to stop them. Sure Baji himself ended up with a broken nose. But it was still a very dear memory to him.
Or like when Shinishiro had taught him to take care of his bike. They had sat just Baji and him and the older boy had slowly and carefully explained everything in detail to the younger, repeating his instructions if needed and never looking annoyed with the pace at which Baji was learning. Despite his usual teasing nature, Shinishiro just showed him how each piece worked, using his simplest words to help the other understand easier, his features softening each time he heard the younger boy yell at an interesting detail. This evening still felt so delicate, so fragile that Baji didn't dare to think about it too often, like it would break the memory if he did. But when his dreams bought him back he always woke up with tears in his eyes.
There was also when Kazutora had taught him how to cheat at his favorite game at the arcade and his eyes had lit up with excitement and mischief. Sure they had gotten kicked out forever from that arcade because they were too loud and the owner caught them. Sure they had bickered on whose fault it was. But in the end Kazutora had come to his house and they had eaten snacks together and fell asleep on his bed until his mother came and told him to do his homework.
One of his most recent ones was when he and Chifuyu had gone together to fight a group of tugs. Only two of them had been sent since Mikey didn't doubt that it wasn't necessary to send anyone else. And boy was he right. They finished in only two hours but the funniest part had come after the fight. The zone where they had fought was an old parking lot where no one went anymore but some old cars were still in view. Chifuyu had stolen a bunch of lighters and wallets from their opponents, as well as their clothes and their dignity, because "they said Baji-san was ugly", and with all those little treasures they went and bought enough for a homemade bomb that Chifuyu had been studying ever since Baji had told him he thoughts explosions were cool. They had gotten all the ingredients and tried to assemble them but of course the blond had forgotten half the steps and they almost died because the little bottle they were preparing tried exploding in their hands. In the end they just went to burn the old cars and clothes while eating ice cream and laughing at their own stupidity. Baji loved that part of Chifuyu. Everyone thought he was a nice and respectful guy, which was true to some extent, but he preferred this part of him, the one that laughed with Baji as they beat up their opponents, the adrenaline of fighting coursing through their veins, the feeling like they could take over the world.
But his favorite still stayed the time his mother had witnessed his almost full mark in history, the only subject he could have ok grades in when he studied very hard, since it was mostly a matter of learning by heart and saying back the different facts. Baji had worked on this test for almost two weeks, using every learning technique he heard about to remember as much information as possible. And it worked. He had gotten the highest grade in his class and his teacher had praised him. But that wasn't the most important. The most important was the smile blooming on his mother's face, the one that made her look so much younger, like no worries ever went through her mind. Like she didn't worry about Baji's safety every time he went into a fight despite all his reassurances that he was strong. Like her heart didn't explode when she heard what Baji had done with Kazutora. Like her son was a genius and gentle child. And that was the only praise he really needed. The only one he would never get enough of. The one feeling he could do anything for.
As he laid on the dirty ground, his own dried blood suffocating him, his wounds burning his insides and his brain hurting like crazy, Keisuke Baji couldn't help but feel the tears coming to his eyes at the thought of the face his mother would make once she would learn how stupid he had been. He wished she could yell at him like usual and pretend she wasn't relieved he was safe. He wished he could feel this pride of making her smile again. He wished he didn't lie this morning when he told her "see you later". He wished he could have told her how much he loved the new animal related book she had bought him, the super expensive one he had spotted in the mall before, and that she had tried to hide from him until his birthday.
He felt something hit his cheek. Ah. Someone else he wished so many things for. He wished he could have apologised and told him that it wasn't a problem of choosing him or Kazutora. He wanted to tell him about all the plans he made for the three of them, the future he longed for. He wanted to tell him one last time that he was happy they had met, that making him his second in command was one of the best decisions in his life. He wanted to thank him for all the happiness he gave him and apologise for the sadness he gave back. What a bad friend he had been huh?
He heard a loud metallic noise behind him. His brain quietly reminded him that Mikey had been carrying the metal pipe he had stolen from Kazutora. Two more people he had hurt with his love.
Mikey who he had known forever, who he trusted with his life. He wished he could have apologised to him as well. He was aware that Mikey knew why he left Toman but at the same time he also knew that his friend was the type to blame himself anyway. He wanted to chase this dark shadow he could sometimes see in his eyes, this guilty expression he got right after his episodes. He wanted to fight him one last time, get his ass handed over like always, wanted to laugh until his throat hurt so much he couldn't even breathe anymore.
And Kazutora. Baji wished so many things for his friend. Wished to remind him of his worth, of who he was, wanted to take his guilt away. He wanted to hold him tight and tell him that it was going to be okay. He wanted to make him and Chifuyu meet too. A cat lover and a cat like guy, they could only get along. Maybe in the future they could help him reach his dream since Baji was so dumb. Then he could make Kazutora work for him at his pet shop so no one could hurt him ever again. He wanted him to make up with Mikey too. They were so much closer than they realised and he knew Kazutora loved Mikey dearly as well.
But there wasn't anything he could do anymore and he wasn't the type to swim in sadness or regret either. So Baji held his dearest memories close to his fading consciousness, voices and faces creating a dream-like scenery in his heart, and closed his eyes.