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if there was anything in this world park jisung could expect to be a constant in his life, it was na jaemin’s love and care for him.
the older had been smitten with the maknae since they met when jisung was still a little elementary school child, and jaemin took it upon himself to be the one to raise jisung in any way that his parents weren’t able to.
there was nothing jaemin wouldn’t do for jisung.
that became evident on the eve of jisung’s birthday.
the dreamies, though most of the work was done by jaemin, were preparing dinner that night and the topic of conversation had turned to jisung’s coming birthday.
“are you excited for tomorrow?” renjun asked jisung who was sitting at the kitchen table.
jisung shrugged in response, “it’s just another day.”
this made jaemin gasp slightly, turning around to face the boys from where he’d been at the stove, “no no no! it’s your special day tomorrow, jisungie!”
jisung put his hands up in protest and shook his head, “it’s really not that big of a de-”
“yes, it is,” jaemin interrupted, “it’s not everyday you turn 20!”
“technically i’m already-”
“yeah, yeah,” jaemin rolled his eyes then turned back to the stove, “tomorrow is still special to us at least.”
jisung didn’t know what to say.
“do you want to do anything in particular tomorrow since we have the day off?” jeno asked the youngest.
“not really…” jisung trailed off.
“we’ll think of something, jisung-ah,” renjun chimed in.
as always, the dinner that jaemin had made was delicious and the dreamies were eating it diligently at the table.
“i can’t believe you’re an adult now,” jeno mentioned, recalling how little jisung used to be when they were younger. he was a giant now - and still growing.
“right?” jaemin cooed from beside jisung then pinched his cheek, “aigoo… jisungie can’t be all grown up,” he pouted.
jisung cringed and tried to move away, sending jaemin a sour face.
he sighed, knowing that he’d be getting this for the next few days.
jaemin chuckled at jisung’s reaction and moved closer, throwing his arm around the maknae, “you’ll always be our baby,” he cooes, caressing jisung’s cheek and then his nape.
jisung didn’t say anything until he saw jaemin moving toward his face and puckering his lips out of the corner of his eyes.
oh no.
losing his patience, jisung pushes jaemin away from him, “will you just stop?” he bursts out in a sudden heat-of-the-moment-anger.
but the cadence of jisung’s voice told the boys that his frustration was a long-time coming.
“hey, don’t talk to your hyung like that,” jeno chides at jisung, pointing at him.
jaemin waves off jeno while shaking his head, “no, it’s okay.”
“why do you always have to pay attention to me? go bother someone else and just leave me alone!” jisung huffs and crosses his arms.
“will that… make you happy?” jaemin asks the youngest after a few seconds of studying his face.
jisung doesn’t dare to look over at jaemin, so he instead nods while staring at his plate.
“okay, jisung,” jaemin says quietly and picks up his chopsticks to continue eating.
the rest of the dinner is filled with silence, with the occasional small-talk between jeno and renjun.
jisung promptly finished his meal and stalked off to his single room without thanking jaemin, surprsing the dreamies.
but jisung knew that the blank expression on jaemin’s face that he caught out of the corner of his eye as he was leaving was going to be etched into his mind forever.
—
when jisung woke the next morning, he, of course, didn’t feel any older.
he never understood why birthdays were such a big deal anyway.
jisung glanced at his alarm clock - 10:33am.
he sighed realizing that a certain someone was not at his bed-side like he was each year when jisung woke on his ‘special’ day.
oh… right, jisung thought to himself, recalling the events of the previous night.
that was the first time jisung realized he was getting what he asked for.
the second time was during his birthday festivities in the evening.
that day, the dreamies decided to take jisung to an escape room as a gift. to jisung’s surprise, jaemin accompanied the group at the last minute, but he was silent almost the entire time.
in the evening, the dreamies were gathered in the dorm living room playing video games while jisung received gifts from a few of the members.
“woah, really?” jisung asked in shock as he opened the box, “a launchpad, hyung? i love it. thank you,” he looked up at jeno in appreciation.
it was jisung’s favorite gift out of all the things he’d received that night. he’d mentioned before around the dreamies that he wanted a launchpad but he didn’t think they would take that into account for his birthday.
the only member who didn’t gift jisung anything was jaemin. it was a bit surprising considering how much jaemin loved to spoil him and deep down, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed.
but this is what he wanted right? to be left alone?
he shook the thoughts away and resumed his playing video games while noticing jaemin sitting in the corner of the room, remaining completely silent.
—
in the following weeks, jaemin continued to fulfill his word of leaving jisung alone.
it came with little things like not reminding jisung to do xyz. or not helping jisung with dorm chores, such as laundry.
things that jaemin always did that made jisung realize how much he had relied on the older.
jaemin wouldn’t dote on jisung like he always did. he wouldn’t call jisung ‘cute’ or baby him like he always did.
the times when jisung felt most empty was during the times he would be playing a video game.
jaemin would not barge into the room and tell jisung how much he loved him like he always did.
but the third time jisung finally understood he was getting what he asked for was when he realized that jaemin had made it his mission to avoid the younger boy at all costs.
he didn’t speak to jisung unless jisung spoke first and even in those instances… jaemin wouldn’t spend too much time with the conversation.
jisung was perplexed while sitting on the couch.
his hyungs, including jaemin, were out shopping so he was alone in the dorm.
he wondered if he had been too harsh on jaemin.
“what is it now, jisung-ah,” chenle answered jisung’s facetime call.
“shut up,” jisung rolled his eyes, “do you, um… do you know what’s been going on with jaemin hyung lately?” he asks, biting his lip.
“actually, it’s funny that you mention him: he’s been coming over to my place a lot recently. he loves playing with daegal,” chenle reveals to jisung, surprising him.
he had always thought jaemin was never particularly close with chenle.
“oh,” jisung replied quietly.
“why do you ask? is something wrong?” chenle asks, his voice laced with genuine concern.
“well, he’s just seemed… different lately,” jisung responds while scratching the back of his head.
“well he seems like the same jaemin hyung around me,” chenle shrugged.
“he hasn’t… mentioned me at all, has he?” jisung asks out of curiousity. he hoped so bad that chenle would tell him what he wanted to hear, but he didn’t.
“nope. not at all,” chenle replies.
jisung’s heart drops,”oh… okay. listen i need to go do something so i’ll talk to you later,” he quickly tells chenle then hangs up.
the maknae throws his phone on the couch in frustration and runs his hands through his hair, sighing.
fuck this. he needed some chips.
finding himself in jeno and jaemin’s room, he walks over to jeno’s stash of snacks to look for the chips but as he’s leaving, he notices an envelope on jaemin’s desk.
jisung tells himself it was wrong to go through other people’s things, but he couldn’t help the urge to take a peak and see if there was a hint as to what was going on with his hyung.
carefully opening up the unsealed enveloped, jisung was surprised to find his name on the back of it. he took out of the card and opened it - discovering a handwritten note:
"my jisungie,
i heard you wanted to have a launchpad of your own, so i hope this gift helps you with your creative endeavors <3 i’ll always be here supporting you but of course you know that. from the minute i met you - when you were still so tiny - i knew that you would become my most cherished brother. no matter how much the others tease you for crying easily or not knowing how to do simple tasks, and even though you don’t listen to me… please remember i am here to remind you that you are very brave. so that’s why today i wanted celebrate your coming of age with this gift so you can continue to be brave and pursue whatever you desire. i’m so proud of you and i love you, always.
your jaemin hyung"
“hyung,” jisung croaked out before breaking down into tears that quickly streamed down his face. he felt his heart shatter.
no… this wasn’t what i wanted, jisung thought to himself. this is all your fault.
jisung sniffled and wiped his nose with his sleeve and turned to leave the room but was stunned to find jaemin standing in the doorway, staring at him then glancing down at the letter in jisung’s hand.
when did they get back? he must’ve not heard them enter, which made sense given his uncontrollable hysterics.
jaemin walked toward jisung and yanked the letter from jisung’s grasp, “it’s rude to go through other people’s things,” jaemin muttered in annoyance then set the letter back down on his desk and took off his coat.
“i know, hyung. i’m sorry: you raised me better than that,” jisung bows to apologize as jaemin sits down on his bed.
jaemin gives him a look that jisung had never received from the older. it was blank and emotionless.
“what do you want?” jaemin asked jisung, sighing.
“i-i… why didn’t you tell me the launchpad was from you?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“you were mad at me and wanted me to leave you alone so i didn’t want to burden you,” jaemin shrugs.
“so you let jeno hyung take credit for your gift?” jisung whined a bit, pouting.
“jisung, you can be so daft sometimes. i don’t care about how the gift got to you. i just care that you have it.”
there was nothing jaemin wouldn’t do for jisung.
“but the letter…” jisung’s bottom lip trembled.
“it’s nothing. forget about it. pretend like you didn’t read anything,” jaemin stands up, takes the letter from his desk and tosses it in the bin.
“hyung, no!” jisung cries out, immediately retrieving the letter from the bin and hugging it to his chest.
“i don’t want to forget,” the younger opens up the letter once more and glances at the words, “i can’t forget because i know you meant everything you wrote and i was awful to you.”
jaemin sat back down on his bed quietly without saying a word. he didn’t know what to say.
“it’s just hard for me most of the time. being adored so much can get a little overwhelming and that’s why i lashed out at you, but…” jisung paused.
“but what?” jaemin asked.
suddenly, jisung sat beside jaemin and threw his arms around the older’s waist, resting his head on jaemin’s chest, “please don’t leave me alone, hyung. i’m not happy,” he began to cry again despite his efforts not to.
jaemin didn’t move in his position, “jisung…” jaemin whined, trying to push jisung off of him.
jisung cried harder, muttering ‘no’ over and over as he resisted jaemin’s efforts to push jisung away.
he realized this is how jaemin must feel all the time.
“only pay attention to me, hyung. bother me,” jisung pleads, his grip on jaemin’s waist tightening, “don’t go to chenle’s. be here with me.”
“do you really mean that, jisung?” jaemin asked in a cautious voice.
jisung sniffles, “yes,” he mumbled.
jaemin didn’t reply for a while, but after a few minutes jisung felt slender yet strong arms wrap around his frame and one hand cradling his head.
the younger boy felt his body shudder as a wave of warmth washed over him and he’d never felt so relieved.
this is what he wanted.
what he’d normally try to avoid.
but now, in his hyung’s arms, he never wanted to let go.
“i’m sorry,” he told jaemin, “don’t leave me alone,” he begged once again.
he felt jaemin sigh, pushing jisung back a little so that he would see the older’s face, “and how could i do that, hm?” jaemin said in a soft, loving voice. the kind of voice that he only used around jisung.
“well you’ve managed that pretty well over the past month…” jisung pouted.
“i was just doing what you wanted,” jaemin shrugged, “i-i didn’t want you to hate me so i gave you space.”
“hate you?” jisung asked, offended, “you thought i would hate you?”
“well, i know how you always hate it when i dote on you,” jaemin looked down at his feet then sat up on the bed and crossed his legs.
“but you always do so much for me. and as for the doting… please continue that,” jisung blushed a little as he matched how jaemin’s was sitting on the bed.
“okay, baby,” jaemin smiled with his teeth for the first time in a month and jisung marveled at the sight.
and the younger boy's face only reddened more when hearing the pet name that he hadn’t been called in so long. he missed it.
“so…” jisung moved a little closer to jaemin, taking a hold of the older’s wrist, “you forgive me?” he asked with wide eyes and a pouty expression.
jaemin rolled his eyes a bit, “i was never mad. just hurt.”
“then forgive me for that. please, hyung,” jisung tugged on jaemin’s wrist.
“alright: i forgive you,” jaemin sighed in content, “now come here,” he reached out to take jisung’s face between his hands then proceeded to leave kisses all over his face.
usually, jisung would scream as if he was being attacked, but he couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of being loved by his hyung. the feeling he’d come to rely on without realizing it over the years.
“i love you, hyung,” jisung said quietly as the two were laying on jaemin’s bed, facing each other.
jaemin’s eyes were shut, “i know,” he muttered then smiled, reaching out for jisung’s hand.
jisung always loved the way jaemin’s smaller hand fit in his.
it was perfect.
there were those moments in life when jisung thinks that there’s a chance everything will be okay.
when he feels like there are still beautiful things. the things he cherished when he was little. the things that he may have took for granted as he aged.
there were so many things that made jisung’s life beautiful.
but none of them came close to jaemin.
no one could make jisung feel so wanted and loved like jaemin could.
all it took was for one person to make jisung feel that he was greater than the sum of his parts. each part of who he was mattered - even the bad parts. he was worth unconditional love.
laying with the older boy, jisung realized that this was one of those moments.
he glanced over at jaemin’s sleeping figure, studying the way jaemin's lips curled into a smile each time the younger boy rubbed his thumb over the older boy's wrist.
yeah. this was definitely one of those moments for jisung.
and perhaps it was selfish, but what he wanted more than anything was to have these moments with jaemin for as long as he lived.