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The darkness of the room had begun to feel heavy and suffocating, but comforting at the same time. As if the longer you lay in bed, trapped by it, you might feel something. Anything. However, you knew that wouldn’t be the case.
You didn’t even know what time it was. It felt like you had just woken up, but several hours had surely passed since you first peeled your eyes open, that laden feeling on your chest hitting you like bricks. You immediately knew what kind of day it would be, even though you had wanted your day off to be productive. So much for your to-do list that sat on your kitchen counter.
Blankets pulled up over your head and your face in your pillow, sitting and suffocating in the darkness. Body like lead. Your chest heavy and tight. Anxiety from the state you were in, but the state you were in rendered you a puddle of a pathetic, sad human who couldn’t get out of bed.
That’s how you felt. While every other person was going about their day, getting stuff done, you couldn’t even get out of bed. No matter how desperately you knew you should, you couldn’t seem to care enough.
I do care. I care, you thought. But did you really? If you cared, you would’ve gotten out of bed, taken a shower, got dressed, functioned like a normal human. But that feeling was so heavy, the darkness added weight too, and you just couldn’t do it.
Was it work? Were you finally burnt out? Maybe you had been burnt out for a while, you just hadn’t known. Or maybe you had.
At some point you started to silently cry, tears out of your eyes absorbing straight into your pillow. You shook under the blankets, maybe from dehydration, lack of food, holding your tears in. Probably a combination of all three.
Your phone buzzed for about the twentieth time that day and you felt even worse. Texts and notifications piling up and you couldn’t even reach over to grab your phone.
You don’t know if you had started to go in and out of sleep, or if all of your thoughts had gone still. Time was still blurry as you laid in bed. Every time this happened, it would usually go on for a few days. You prayed that it wouldn’t last that long, hoped that at some point you would find it in you to at least sit up.
However, you had a feeling the heaviness would just push you back down.
Your phone buzzed continuously, meaning that someone was trying to call you. You knew who it probably was which just made you feel even worse. If only you could sink so far into your blankets that no one would think about you. That they would forget and you could just lay forever in the strangely comforting darkness.
A while later, you heard the movement and distant sound of your front door opening. Panic shot through your body.
No no no please not him. I don’t want him to see me like this.
You just sank lower underneath your covers, making sure you wouldn’t be seen. You were still in your pajamas, not showered, teeth not brushed. You didn’t want him to see you like this. Not now. Not ever. You immensely regretted ever giving him a key.
He probably had come straight from work, meaning it was after 6:00. You had been laying in bed the entire day. You heard his footsteps throughout your apartment, perhaps walking around to see if you were home. Maybe if he peeked in and saw that the lights were off in your room, he would assume you were out somewhere and he would leave. Then you could make up something about hanging out with a friend.
But when the door to your bedroom opened, the tears burned in your eyes. Shame, overwhelming shame made you shake like a leaf again and you wanted this all to go away. You couldn’t face him. Not when he was always productive, not when he had his life together, not when he was the poster child of success.
You heard his feet slowly make his way across the room towards you. He definitely knew you were hiding somewhere under the covers. He was too observant not to.
When the bed dipped and the springs of the mattress let out a squeak as Nanami sat down on the edge of the bed, the shame was so overwhelming you didn’t even know what to say. You didn’t even know what to do. What would he think of you? What would he say? Was he going to break up with you?
You felt a large, hesitant hand lay on your back over the covers. It made you flinch, but you still shook as you tried to hold in your tears.
“Darling,” he said in that steady voice, and you felt like falling apart.
You swallowed the lump in your throat as you begin to try and speak, but the words don’t come out. Because you have no idea what to say.
“Darling,” Nanami tried again, and his hand moved slowly down your back, comforting and warm. “Are you awake?”
You knew Nanami was only asking to get you to answer. He knew you were awake. He had to with how much you were shaking underneath the covers. His hand dragged up to your head where the edge of the blanket lies, and he slowly began to pull it back to reveal the back of your head to him.
Your eyes burned, tears falling out of them and your throat is tight. Nanami doesn’t pull the covers off all the way, just gently rests his hand on the back of your head. The affection makes you feel slightly more present to the situation.
But Nanami was silent, unmoving as he sat on the edge of the bed, his hand on your hair. You tried to stay quiet, but you sucked in a sharp breath as you tried to keep yourself from crying. It was a futile effort.
“Have you eaten today?” That deep voice spoke gently to you. The question made you freeze, and although the shame was practically ringing in your ears, you shook your head. Nanami would know if you were lying.
“Have you showered?” He asked again gently. You shook your head, sniffling into your pillow.
“Nanami, I—“ Your voice cracked as you started to speak, but a sob interrupted you and the lump in your made it impossible for you to even form a sentence. Nanami moved his hand down your back again.
I’m sorry, you wanted to say. I’m sorry that I’m like this.
You felt the bed dip more, and then Nanami’s firm chest was brushing against your back as he leaned to press a kiss to the back of your head. He kept his lips there, moving his hand to your shoulder to give you a squeeze. Again, his affection made you become slightly more aware of the moment, made the darkness feel lighter.
Nanami got up from the bed and didn’t say anything. You heard him walk across the room, the bathroom door squeaking open. Through your open eyes, you could see the light from the bathroom pouring into the dark bedroom. Running water sounded from the bathroom.
You just stayed in bed. Although Nanami’s presence was slowly clearing your cloudy mind, the shame was still there and you were still crying. What was he really thinking of you? What was going through his mind? Did he—
Nanami’s hand on your back again made you jump, and then the bed dipped under his weight again. The covers that were giving you warmth were being pulled off of you, the air meeting your skin and causing a chill to sweep over your body. It didn’t last however, as Nanami’s arms wrapped around you and scooped you up into his chest. The contact was jarring, your mind screaming you don’t deserve this you’re pathetic he doesn’t want to help you because you’re a shame to be with—
“No, Nanami—“ you mumbled, trying to pry yourself away from his hold. “Y-You don’t—“
He said your name, a breathless plea laced with pain, and you froze. His grip remained tight on you, keeping you close to him as his lips met your forehead. “I’m here,” he spoke quietly, finishing with a peck.
There was no point in fighting back. There was no point pushing him away. You had tried that before, but Nanami was a steadfast lover. Unwavering, loyal, dependable. And while you had been together for some time, he had never seen this side of you.
Deep down, you knew you were silly to think that this would change anything.
He took you with him in his arms, carrying you to the bathroom. The bright light made you squint as you entered, and you turned your head into Nanami’s shoulder to hide from it. You heard the running water in the bath.
The marble counter was cold as Nanami placed you on top next to the sink. Your eyes were still squeezed shut, but you heard Nanami’s rustle of clothing, the clink of his belt. You kept your head down but slowly opened your eyes and glanced to look at where he stood in front of you.
You flushed as you caught sight of his bare body like you always did. It was something you never got used to. Nanami was beautiful, no doubt about it. And you knew what was coming next, the shame coming back full force.
There was a part of you that was still ashamed for Nanami to see you naked as you couldn’t possibly compare to his fit and muscular form. You definitely felt scared for him to see you naked at the start of your relationship. As time went on and Nanami had taken his time to praise your body, kissed every single part, told you just how beautiful you were, you didn’t feel so ashamed anymore.
But with the mental state you were in now, that shame was full force, for many reasons. You stared at the floor, and then Nanami came into view as he stood close to you, grabbing the end of your t-shirt.
“Arms up,” he instructed with a low voice, and you reluctantly obeyed. Nanami pulled your pajama shirt off which left you in your underwear as you sat on the sink. You kept your head down. You couldn’t look into those brown eyes yet.
Nanami’s hands gripped your hips, thumbs hooking the edge of your underwear. Again, you reluctantly pushed yourself off the counter so Nanami could slip your underwear off of you.
Then you felt his hands on your face, his thumbs swiping across your cheeks and your eyes shot up, startled. You were crying. You were still crying.
Embarrassed, you tried to look down again but Nanami kept a firm grip on your face, so you just glanced down, hiding. He kept brushing his thumbs over your cheeks, over and over again, until he wrapped his arms around you and lifted you up again.
The warm water hit your bare skin when Nanami set you down in the bath, and you stayed curled up into yourself. Nanami stepped in behind you, sitting down with his legs on either side of you and pulled you against his chest.
You automatically rested your head against his shoulder and sunk into him while he locked you in with his legs. The warm water made you melt along with Nanami’s touch, his skin, his love.
You weren’t ready to talk yet, but Nanami seemed to understand. So he grabbed the sponge that was sitting along the edge of the bath and he dipped it in the water.
Nanami squeezed the warm water out on your chest and continued to do so for quite some time. Your chest, your arms, your hair. You closed your eyes, melting into his skin as the water poured over you, his steady breaths matching yours.
Nanami stopped after a while. He wrapped his arms around you, holding you to his chest while you kept your eyes close, trying to hang on to the peace of the moment.
“I called you,” he said, breaking the silence.
You opened your eyes, staring at you and Nanami’s feet. “I know,” you answered, voice weak and wavering.
“I texted you too,” he mumbled against your hair.
You swallowed, tears and shame springing in your eyes again. “I know.”
It was quiet for a moment, and you felt yourself begin to shake again, but Nanami squeezed you tighter to still the tremors.
“Shoko called you, too. She called me when you didn’t answer, and that’s when I came here.”
You swallowed, feeling guilty for making Shoko worry. For making Nanami worry.
“I’m here for you,” Nanami said then, and his voice sounded pained. “I don’t want you to hide from me.”
You shook your head, feeling the cries start to surface. “I-I don’t…I just feel…”
A broken sob escaped your lips, and Nanami whispered in your ear. “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay” he repeated, whispers sweet and careful.
“I feel so ashamed,” you confessed, the words stilted as you forced them out. “A-And I don’t want you to be ashamed of me, too.”
“I would never be ashamed of you. I am only proud of you,” he quickly responded, serious and firm.
You looked at your hands through the water, fingers creating ripples as you moved them around nervously. “How can you be proud of me when I can’t even get out of bed?”
“Sometimes that’s our mind and body telling us we need rest,” Nanami rocked you back and forth to calm your broken cries. “Or that we haven’t been listening to our body when it was trying to tell us something.”
You didn’t answer, just tried to swallow the tightness in your throat and trying to calm down.
“I’m proud of you no matter what,” Nanami leaned down and rested his head into your shoulder. “You’ll always be enough. You’ll always be more than enough.”
His words broke something in you, broke the wall that you had been trying to put up. Broke the overwhelming shame that had you drowning and suffocating.
You closed your eyes and let the tears fall. “I’m sorry,” you blurted out, but you didn’t know why you were apologizing.
“Shh,” Nanami pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Don’t apologize. I love you.”
The words made another sob fall from your lips. I love you, is what he said. He said it all the time, every day, and yet there was a part of you that didn’t believe him. No fault of him, just your brain. It made you feel even more undeserving of his love.
But Nanami was a steadfast lover. Unwavering, loyal, dependable. And as he held you to him, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, you knew he wouldn’t give up on you. Not ever. Not in a million years.
The water had begun to get cold, and Nanami helped you out of the bath. Wrapping you in a towel and lifting you into his arms again, he carried you to the bed and set you down.
He went to your closet to grab both you and him clothes. He started to keep clothes at your apartment a while after dating. The thought almost made you smile.
He quickly threw on underwear and sweatpants and then made his way to you. He dressed you, each movement gentle and soft, pressing kisses to your skin between each layer of clothing.
But as he wrapped your favorite knitted cardigan around you, you grabbed his had and pulled him to you. You wrapped your arms around his torso and pressed your face into his bare stomach. He held a hand to your back of your head.
“Thank you,” you whispered. “I don’t deserve you.”
He kneeled down in front of where you sat on the bed, and this time you couldn’t hide from his eyes. Eyes so full of love and honesty. Warm and tender. He placed his hands on your waist as he looked at you.
“You don’t need to earn my love,” he spoke firmly again. “You will never need to earn my love. You already have it. So take it.”
This time, you believed it.
“I love you,” you said to your steadfast lover.
“I love you too,” he answered, and he kissed you with care.