Work Text:
"I'm Akari. Just Akari."
Followed by a simple, unconvincing smile that I was trained to do. The adults before me, they looked so unsure. They tried to make small talk, asking me what things I liked to do. I just shook my head and said I didn't know. But I did like sweets. What books I liked, I said I didn't know. What kind of movies, I didn't know. I really didn't. It's not like I was lying. The interview ended like it did with most others, they say I'm not the kind of child exactly they're looking for. To soften the words, to be sure. But it's not like I really want to worry about what they think of me.
My caretakers both looked down on me with disapproving scowls. "Again, you scare people off with that dismissive aura of yours. Are you really a kid?"
I remember staying quiet, feeling hurt, and being annoyed. Who do you think taught me how to smile like this? But I kept it on, regardless. Adults always told you to do one thing but meaning something else. Or maybe they're just fickle, it seems like no matter what you do, if they're older you're the wrong one. This wasn't the only day they criticized me, sometimes they'd do it behind my back. Because I've been here so long and I was just taking up space. That probably just made me wanting to stay quiet worse. Even pretending to smile became a heavier chore.
Apparently, I didn't have emotion, and people want cute kids to take care of.
They keep telling me to pretend to be one, and the more they say it the less I want to do it. I wondered if I could even do that well.
I didn't know if I really wanted to get out of there, as much as I didn't have any fond memories of the place. It was what I knew, so breaking away felt like something I had to resist.
So, I introduce myself only as a little girl, born January 9th, without much talent to really speak of... No family name, just dropped off that orphanage one day without any extra words or fuss. My first name and my birthday were the only things I had information about from the biological family I never got to know. I don't think too much about why they did left me, since I didn't really think much of pining after the explanations of strangers. The other kids gave me sideeyes sometimes for not caring too much about other things they liked talking about, or just outright being too unnervingly quiet. Someone talks to me, yells at me, whispers at me, it doesn't matter very much. Making no difference, I just nodded back. Fading into the background and not making trouble would suit me just fine. I just wish they wouldn't harass me about making a stronger outside impression...
Not familiarizing myself with what having friends is like might be the safest thing anyway, in a place where people will come and go all the time.
The years continued on like this for a bit longer, unremarkable.
I was eating a pudding cup over at the grassy play area watching everyone else when she showed up.
"Hello." I blinked and felt a bristle. How long was this stranger this close behind me? And she was wearing such a retro looking shirt... She tilted her head with a soft smile, "What's your name?"
Here eyes looked at me straight on. I gulped. I couldn't even bring up my pretend smile that I was trained to give to adults.
Slowly, I started.
"... Akari..."
This seemed to really amuse her, and her smile widened. "Akari... what a lovely name. It's like mine." I blinked, confused. "I'm Yukimura Aguri. Do you mind if I stay with you?"
Was she looking to adopt someone? I fidgeted but; the way she radiated kindness. It was nice. I wouldn't have minded if she stayed with me. So I nod.
She asks a few questions, different from what the other adults who I talked to asked. If there was anything I liked doing was an old story, but she also asked what things I'd like to do someday, sights I wanted to see, animals I wanted to touch... she wanted to know what would make me happy suffice to say. But I think even having someone like this care so much--a stranger. Who didn't judge me, and she nodded and continued on trying to get me to relax. That made me so happy. I thought I'd like to keep being her friend, but what happened was even more surprising.
"I've decided then. From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew I wanted to adopt you."
Huh?
"B-but! There are so many other kids..."
She raised her nose and looked very triumphant. "You can't back out now, Akari. Our hearts have touched, I can't just leave you here."
I'm sheepish. I never thought much of myself but, here she was laying out how much she wanted to take care of me. Did she just pick me out because I seemed to be the loneliest...? Because of how small and unobtrusive I'd be? No, no it seemed she genuinely liked my company. This was the first time I've felt like I wasn't being judged for my bad qualities at all. I wanted to go with her, but it's still such a drastic step to suddenly leave. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I buy time in the conversation, grasping at straws and looser excuses, as if I had a lot to pack (a lie) then she said she'd help out, when I said I'd miss the food here (another lie), she said she'd figure out some nice eateries...
She just kept smiling and nodding at me as I spurt them out, listening while not listening at the same time. It was rather embarrassing when it sunk in that nothing I would say could dissuade her. But it made me feel this weight in my chest, that someone was trying so much to make me smile. I must have already sounded defeated when I uttered quietly, returning a meek grin.
"But you know... you don't look old enough to be a mom."
--Pfffft, I'm pretty sure I heard, and was that a tear in her eye? My mouth gaped. But I meant every word!! I was flustered thinking she took that as a joke. Then however she wiped her eye and beamed, no hesitation in her voice.
How did she always sound so calm, so certain? You couldn't help but admire her.
"Then, I'll be your big sister, not a mom. Now..."
She extended her hand to me.
"Let's go get those papers arranged and head home."
Everything was happening all too fast. I stared at her hand. But blinking, I could feel my eyes wet from happiness.
"Yes!!"
I finally said in agreement, louder than any other word I had uttered in my life.
We walked out the gates of that dull orphanage that had only memories of idling by and apathetic regard for those who didn't like me. The creak of the metal as it swung open to let us through, and I never once looked back like I thought I would. I was holding the hand of someone who was my friend, guiding me into a brighter world of color. Change that would make me look forward to thinking what tomorrow would bring. I was happy, holding hands with my sister.
So from that day on, I was Yukimura Akari.
"Aguri! Let me dress you up!"
"B-but! I really like this jacket!"
It was really funny, but I was better at fashion sense than my big sister! She had a habit of holding onto old things, a lot of them looked like they were from bargains, or maybe hand-me-downs. They were sometimes bright, or cluttered, or faded print... How did she even stay oblivious to how--if I'm being honest--ugly some of her clothes were? But it amused me a lot, I had an excuse to help her out then. We were having an outing that day! So it was very exciting. Here I just helped pick out some clothes so that she could look nice. Whenever we had the money, I liked to shop clothes for her as much as she liked keeping me company when I shop for myself.
She didn't seem to have family of her own, no boyfriend, no parents. I guess she was just like me. The circumstances aren't good, but it was some form of relief to find someone you could relate to.
We went on movies sometimes, kid-friendly things and animated movies.
Dramas, on occasion when I said I was curious; I think that surprised Aguri. But either way, I'm sure sister liked watching me a lot more than the movies she paid the tickets for. Sometimes when I mentioned my favorite parts or lines, she would just casually smile at me and go:
"Ah, really?"
How rude though! I respect the wishes of big sisters to dote, but how can we gush on something together like this? I pout at her and yell accusingly.
"You weren't even paying attention!!"
She puts her hands together and giggles, "Sorry, sorry! But I really do enjoy just hearing you emotionally recount the events to me as if I hadn't seen it!"
"Honestly..."
I close my eyes with a huff and she continues on with her soft laughter.
It really is a nice, well-meaning laugh though, looking at her again, I can't even stay joke-mad at her for long.
--
"Now there, see? Don't you have a lovely smile." Aguri laughed as she saw me in my gradeschool costume.
There was something about her that adored taking care of others. That's probably what led her to me. I felt like the luckiest little sister in the world. We weren't related by blood, but we were family. And for as much as she loved me, I wanted to show how much I loved her too.
"I'm going to dedicate my performance to you, if anyone asks why I did so well!"
Aguri cupped her cheeks in joy, tinting a bit pink in the face. "So... so cute!"
It's a bit embarrassing, but I blush back. I was ready to show off what I got. And I was dressed super pretty! It was time for a play that would change the course of my life, for better or worse.
"If I can't have the fairytale ending, it's alright! So long as it comes true for everyone around me!" I proclaimed, feeling the words from deeper than merely my chest. It wasn't how I dressed, it was how I perfectly got the feelings of the character I played down and more.
I outshone everyone else on that play, even my classmate who had played the protagonist, as the main heroine. They loved me as much as my teacher had said they would, and the classmate who had elbowed me to give a shot auditioning to begin with. Somehow, I had this real knack for tugging at heartstrings, especially--no one expected a fable story to touch so deeply because of my performance. It sounds like a lot of self-lauding, but it's true! I'm allowed to acknowledge one thing I finally learned that I was really, really good at.
"Akari, I'm so proud of you!" I could hear my sister yell from near the front row. Ear to ear, I could feel my expression.
Getting that applause was amazing. I never knew how happy I could feel from everyone looking at me with smiles on their faces. I trembled at first trying to resist, but in the end I raised up my arm and waved back cheerful and proud. The spotlight shone bright and I could feel everyone, especially sis, was looking at and clapping for me. I had never felt such an honest to goodness sense of triumph. I remembered back when playing pretend was hard. It turns out it wasn't even a chore, it depended on circumstance. Now that I actually cared about how people looked at me, thanks to Aguri, and I could feel admiration rather than aversion, it was nice. Having people like me was nice.
I wished it could last forever.
Word got around, and by some twist of fate I got the eye not only of my gradeschool but also of professional directors.
This was another one of the most unbelievable developments I've had to face. Who knew that getting discovered like this was possible by the presence of a blogger of high renown talking about me promisingly? It was just one performance, but the pictures and footage were incredible. Even watching myself, I wondered if I was intimidated by how differently I could be, disconnecting from my real self.
I stared at the calling cards on the table for a long time. I couldn't even reach the table properly so my arms were just stretched out ahead like a cat's while I frowned in thought. Aguri passed by, reassuring look on her face.
"Still haven't picked?"
"... Yeah..."
This was a big decision. Not just between who to go to, but if I was really doing this.
"To begin with... do you sincerely want to try acting big time?" Aguri gently pat my head.
She raised a small thumbs up, "Well, I'll support you no matter what you want to do, Akari."
I picked up one of the calling cards between my fingers and looked at it.
"I think I do. Because... you know, I don't think it'll hurt to try, right?" Then I added, with a flash of newfound determination in my eyes to discover my self-worth,
"I think it'd be nice to decide for myself: I want to do this..." Leaving the life of ordinary gradeschool student, and I really did enjoy acting. There were such high hopes on me, from others but especially from myself. So I just tightened my grin with a firm look. This would be my answer. Aguri looked like she really admired me.
"Oho, so grown up~"
Fretting my eyebrows, I look up at her. "Hm... I think I want a stage name though."
That must have sounded exciting to her, because my sister pumped a fist close to her chest. "Let's think of one together!"
--
Not that it would last very long, alas.
"Mhm. My manager said I should probably take a long break."
The acting career had soared and led me to take even leading roles in some big name films. I got to make headlines as a promising child star. But the lifestyle was really tiring, eventually it felt like the smile I had facing paparazzi was pretend again. It was different from theatre probably, holding it as shoots and having this whole process of retakes and editing. I just got tired of it for the time being. Not enough to hate it, just enough to want to not deal with it for a while. And walk in the streets without being recognized as someone from that popular movie. The stress was obvious to my manager, and he told me to seriously think about maybe taking some time off, because it was reflecting on the set. If I'd find my spirits up to it again, he said I should contact him again anytime.
"Well, needs for vacation even from things you like can happen." Aguri looked extremely understanding, at least. Though I felt bad she had to suddenly arrange for me to have another tutor bring me up to speed with school things--she couldn't do it herself, because of her job, as much as she would've probably liked to. (I would've liked that too, thinking about it.)
I smiled to myself. "I think I've always been kinda averse to living normally with other kids and playing with them. But having that kind of professional life, I enjoyed being treated like an adult for a while, but I want to keep being a kid for while I am a kid. I think it was good advice. Mase Haruna can wait a while before making a big comeback that everyone can look forward to, if I ever do want to return." Looking to the ceiling, I muse. "Really, for now I just would like to hang out with some friends instead of treating them like other professionals."
Aguri looked thoughtful.
"Maybe I could take you to meet my class. Their circumstances aren't... the happiest," Was that a brief falter in her grin I noticed? "But you know, it lets them be the least judgmental people in the whole school. You'd make good friends."
I thought she was just doting on the section she was assigned, but I appreciated the gesture, and entertained it with a: "Huh, really..."
This evening work of hers started around the middle of the time I was acting. So she was able to leave me alone too with another trusted friend working at the studio, when I had spent hours on shoot days. It was really time for both of us to focus on work. It was weird, because when they were together I could talk about everything that happened on my end--like the funny irony in me being cast as an orphan like I used to be, but Aguri's stories were decidedly less detailed, even if she liked to play up how funny they were. But I'd take what stories I could get. And when we weren't awake around the same time, she'd leave post-it notes so that we could still communicate.
We were both so busy. I wondered what was so important that she couldn't spend time with me when I quit being an actress. Back then she had told me word for word she was envious of casts that got to spend more time with me than she does. My home tutor told me it was natural though, as her being a single parent as well as my sister, she was sure Aguri had a lot on her plate, in her workplace and as my guardian. She was sure her wish to talk to me more was real. Her work schedule was very sporadic, so sometimes I was even asleep before she properly returned home. Other times she returned early enough, she seemed too tired to really talk for long or spend time. I just laid out her bed so that she could head to sleep right away. She always said she was fine, so even when I wanted to pry a bit more, I decided whatever she was hiding it had to be for good, important reasons. I trusted her.
Still, it felt like we were less close than before, it made me a bit sad.
--
It seemed my sister was aware of it too, so she promised. And promised very seriously, that we'd hang out again soon. I would've been more lighthearted thinking about it, but I wondered if it was something important for her to assert it in that way... Maybe we could even go clothes shopping again. I smiled thinking about her probably liking tacky things, or feeling guilty about getting new stuff when I could've just picked them out for myself. Back to the good old days--if only we both had more free time. But I'm putting her up to her word.
So I waited outside her workplace, a bit earlier than the time when she'd normally get out. From how not-serious she is, sometimes I forget her assistance is in government. Even relatives as young as me aren't allowed inside, so I had to hang back here.
It was weird I could finally do this without being approached by strangers.
It was different, but pretty pleasant. I got to stand by in peace, with my own musings.
Recently I'd gotten results back from my tutor how I did on their tests, and they were pretty good! I decided I want to be able to enter a class and make friends, and with grades like I had, I'd probably be able to pick a good high school, and maybe look into a future career less stressful than acting...
--My thoughts were cruelly interrupted when.
A deafening explosion blasted the walls of the building, crashing pieces of its walls to the street before it. Cars hit beeped in alarm. A dreadful silence follows it. No yelling from the inside. What just... happened...?
"Dear god, go get help!" The security guards were stunned as I was. They rushed away to get help. There were many of them--but stations unmanned, I didn't know what I was thinking, but I charged ahead, slipping past them, overwhelmed by the need to see my sister okay. There was no way I could've stayed put in this situation.
Even if much of the walls were caved in, there was a hole that I found I was able to fit myself into. I don't know if other onlookers saw me, but I didn't care.
Immediately the smell of blood that filled the ruins entered my nose. I can see laid out corpses of men and women in labcoats sprawled across the floor, and crushed underneath the debris. Some of them looked like they were... ripped into, or had their bones broken.
The sight of small fires and spilled chemicals, and splatters or pools of red beneath and by lifeless bodies. There was no sound other than that of burning and the further crumbling of the building. The only living thing I could hear was myself, gasping from an attempt at proper respiration, and even then I couldn't if I was really alive because of this nightmarish sight in front of me.
I feel my stomach curl, and my eyes watering from the smoke. I can barely breathe. The smell is pungent, and combined with the filthy air on top of that.
It doesn't take long to worsen the more seconds I spend in here. My eyes are burning. I want to throw up. And my heart's beating so fast I feel like it could burst. The adrenaline makes me push onward despite all the bodily signs for me to get out of there.
I don't cry for those scattered at the level of my feet. I tighten my lips and feel a pang of guilt that I can't spare thoughts for these unfortunate strangers. There was no time.
I have to run fast, past them, through the sound of crushed glass shards underfoot. I navigate past the cracked walls and over and under debris. I need to find Aguri.
She might have lucked out. She had to be okay.
Where could I find her?
"Aguri!! Aguri!!"
I try to save my breath for when I run, but I space out my calls for her so that I might hear her voice reply.
I wanted to hear it. I wished with all my soul that I could hear her call back to me.
Please, please please be alright, I begged in my mind.
We were just beginning to find time for each other again.
"Aguri!!"
Why now? Of all times?
That time I choke on my spit while shouting.
I nearly trip, but I catch myself and run again.
Please be alive. Please bealive. Pleasebealive. Please be alive.
Fitting through beneath what was left part of a wall, I finally found her.
But it wasn't relief I felt. It was a pit in my stomach sinking and fear. There was her silhouette, with some thing holding onto her, her blood on his tentacles. The figure is twisted, black, and massive, disgustingly figured, you couldn't tell what its intended form was. I couldn't think human. I didn't think animal. It was a monster. A real-life monster. The sight leaves me breathless. Otherwise--I. I don't know what I would've said or done.
Within the next second, it used an unreal speed to blast away from the scene with no trace of itself other than a loud sound boom, as if teleportation. I'm still shaken.
What was...
Who did...
I don't...
I force these broken trains of thought aside and scramble onto my feet.
"Aguri...?"
My sister was lying there motionless.
I've already become so short of breath, that when I kneel down I only muster a desperate, small plea when I try to shake her to open her eyes.
"Aguri... wake up..."
She was cold. Except for when I felt her abdomen--the warmth of her blood on my fingertips. I couldn't deny it if I wanted to.
From the first touch I felt it. I knew in my mind.
She was gone.
I thought I would've wailed or screamed, but instead the tears streamed quietly.
I was defeated and it felt like everything in the world turned gray.
And I was alone, again.
...
...
...
--
Even if her wound gaped, a hole through her body traumatizing to see alone somehow the expression on my sister's face looked like she was only asleep. They covered it with finer clothing of course, but when I looked at her, it was still painful. I couldn't help but imagine how much agony she could've been in, from what the monster had done. She didn't die immediately; I know I saw her slip away very shortly before I made it to her--and that made it worse. But I don't face away from her, as much as it hurts me to remember her last moments. Once her body's cremated, I won't be able to see her face anymore other than in photos.
I try to think, instead...
... The mortuary makeup artist did a good job accentuating all her right features...
As she lay there she was... beautiful. I'm quiet, still staring at her closed eyes.
"I love you, Sis..."
She wouldn't hear me anymore but. Whispering that made me feel better... A little.
Government explained nothing to me, simply calling it "an unfortunate accident". Which was fine, because there was no love lost between me and the representative. He probably had to replay these words of sympathy to the families of the other researchers whose lives were lost. My throat feels dry. I don't say it out of fear of being rude, but even with other company and all their words of sympathy--I just wanted to be alone.
It was best the men from government left right away anyway. After all I'd actually stolen something from them: an intact vial of their experiment among the broken specimens, and a cracked laptop that was by chance still operable.
There's no logical explanation for why I took those things from the remains of the lab as impulsively as I did, I'll admit. I simply stuffed them into my bag without a second thought and exited the scene. But already, back then, I believe I had thoughts that I should exact payback to this supercreature. I was angry. I couldn't let that thing wander free.
I turn the laptop on once I'm left by myself. Cracked screen and broken keyboard and all, it worked still.
Though I knew it was probably matters that were top-secret, it still made me frown. Aguri... what were you hiding from me?
And was she ever going to tell me?
The screen turned to an experiment name, and details.
Tenta... cles...? A weapon?
I didn't understand any of it. What was this for? What kind of job had my sister been working without telling me? Weapons are the last things I would have expected her to be looking into. But I'm not bitter at her, I. Dwell on my own regret I never was more forward asking. If I'd known it was dangerous, maybe I could have convinced her to stop. I clench my hands.
There was nothing I could do about that now.
But.
"A weapon."
--It was not the end of things that I could do.
I stared at the words on the computer screen a long while.
"The lack of maintenance causes excruciating pain."
I assumed that meant to have someone watch over the experiment to make it go over smoothly. It would probably be reckless to just apply them. But... I found myself not caring any less. If this overwhelming strength it promised could even give me a fraction of the power that monster did, I would have a chance. My mind was set.
And I realized, very recently. Once I have my heart set on something, even I can't stop me.
Excruciating pain be damned.
The monster I have to face is probably unlike anything I've ever seen. Strong enough to have killed all those people, to have done all that destruction--and to have a personality sickening enough to enjoy the feeling of my sister helplessly slipping away as she bled out and breathed her last. And he didn't regret any of it. When he somehow knew of my existence... He had the gall to write a note to me that he would become a teacher. This monster--The thought makes me dig my nails into my own arm. He lived, while my sister was dead. My sister who so selflessly loved to take care of others. Whose warmth I'd never feel, whose voice I would never hear again. My only sister... I had to bring her justice.
I was going to have my revenge. I would don a mask, to hide my intentions. I don't need to return back to normal life. I don't need to come out living at all, as long as I win. I'll enter that class, and treat my classmates as fellow actors. But it'll be my vengeance quest alone, no one else can have that thing's head.
If it's what it takes...
I raised up the injection and the back of my hair.
I don't care if I die.
I take a breath then inject the weapon's seed to the nape of my neck.
I want to be a killer.
I feel a sharp pain come over me unlike anything else I've ever experienced before, like a high fever, a poison, spreading heat from my neck into the feeling of thorns ensnaring my brain within my skull. Biting down--digging my upper teeth into my lip, I manage to keep myself from screaming. The thirst for blood swells inside my mind. And though it's my own, I can taste it in my mouth. I lick the inside of it, ecstatic. Haha... haha who knew the taste of blood could bring such liberation? Such relief? But I couldn't stop here. This was only the beginning. My mind was consumed with the thought of meeting you, Mr. Monster, in a few months' time.
I want to rip you limb from limb, for you to feel complete anguish, and for you to look at me with eyes of horror, begging for your life. Then you'll realize the magnitude of deserved retribution for what you stole from me. The most precious person. She's never coming back. I don't have anyone left. All I have is this path that was decided for me.
You can only pray it'll be swift. I'm looking forward to it.
Don't worry,
for of all things this I am certain...
I'll kill you.
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