Archive of Our Own

Disclaimer: Smallville and its characters belong to the WB and DC Comics. I don't own any of it. This story is for entertainment purposes only.

Author's

Clark and Lex got together while Lex was back in Smallville for Christmas, promptly having sex in almost every room in the castle. Luckily, there was little staff around since Lex had moved back to Metropolis. Clark returned to Metropolis for New Year's, telling his parents that he'd rather spend the holiday in the city as well as put some hours in at The Planet before school started again. Both reasons were true, but Clark really wanted to return so he could spend time with Lex. Lex welcomed him--spending time with Clark was one of his favorite things even before they had started dating and now that they had added sex to the mix, it was definitely his favorite thing to do. He knew that it wasn't completely right to keep their relationship a secret from Clark's parents, especially since Clark was staying with him until the dorms re-opened, but Clark didn't want to come out to his parents by telling them he was dating Lex, and frankly, Lex wasn't ready to deal with the Kents' possible reaction right away. Their relationship was so new and so fun right now--neither wanted to rush into anything too serious too soon.

But Clark knew that he was falling in love with Lex. At first, he was caught up in the fun of spending time with Lex and having sex all the time--Clark and Lex had found that they were unbelievably sexually compatible--but soon, Clark realized that what he shared with Lex wasn't something he could just walk away from. So many times before, with other boyfriends or girlfriends, Clark could walk away when things got too serious or too difficult. Yes, he cared for all the people he had been with over the years, but his life was complicated. In addition to school, he worked hard at The Planet, trying to help pay for school as well as secure a job for after graduation. He knew his parents had sent him to college so that he could have something more than just the life of a farmer, but the knowledge of what his parents had given up to send him to school and how much they had struggled financially all these years weighed down on him constantly. Those pressures and the burden of his powers and how to use them effectively to help people without exposing himself were always in the background of his mind. If he didn't see a real future with someone, didn't share something so special with them that it was worth making it work, he didn't see the point in dragging it out. While he had dated casually, Clark had little time to have anyone serious in his life.

But with Lex, things were different. Lex knew Clark like few others did and Lex already knew Clark's secrets. He didn't have to hide or lie or put on a faade around Lex and it made Clark feel incredible.

Clark and Lex lay in bed, the dim light of the city peeking through the windows. Both of them had been too tired from rough weeks at work and school to have sex, but both had gotten used to sleeping next to each other, feeling strange and lonely without the other near during the night.

"Chloe and Kyle are getting pretty serious," Clark mentioned as he rested his head on Lex's chest.

"Really? Well, that's good to hear," Lex answered, the low rumble of his voice resonating through his body. "They seem to be really great together."

"Yeah, Chloe told me that she really likes him. She says she thinks that she might be falling in love with him."

"I'm happy for her," Lex said, letting out a soft yawn. "I mean, I don't know if I even know how to love anyone anymore."

Clark felt his heart stop at Lex's words, but he tried to remain calm. Clark knew that he was falling in love with Lex, but they had only been dating for a few months. Lex had his own relationship issues and he hardly expected Lex to be gushing words of love to him, but it still hurt to hear Lex say so off-handedly that he didn't even know if he could love anymore. Clark tried to hold back the tears that were threatening his eyes and rolled over in bed, his back to his boyfriend.

"You okay, Clark?" Lex asked when he felt Clark move.

"Yeah, just tired," Clark said, trying to hide the hurt in his voice. "I think it's time for me to go to sleep."

"Okay, Clark," Lex said as he rolled over, pulling the covers up over his chest. "Good night."

"Good night."

"Hello?" Clark said as he absent-mindedly answered the phone. He had been sifting through some online research when the phone had rung.

"Hey. It's me," Lex said from the other end.

"Hey Lex," Clark greeted, continuing to click around some Web sites.

"What are you up to?" Lex asked.

"Just working on my thesis."

"Do you have some time to talk?"

"Sure. What's up?" Clark asked as he let go of the mouse and turned his complete attention to the man on the other end of the line.

"I just wanted to apologize for what I said last night," Lex said, sighing. "About not knowing how to love."

"It's okay, Lex," Clark said almost automatically. Lex's words had stung last night, but Clark knew that if it really bothered him, he should have said something then. He had almost forgotten about the pain by now. Or at least put it out of his mind for a little while. "I know you were just thinking out loud."

"I know, Clark, but I didn't realize until now how it must have made you feel. I've always been able to say anything to you--maybe sometimes, I say too much too easily."

"I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, Lex," Clark said, shaking his head. He didn't want to ruin what he had with Lex by scaring him, by taking things too seriously too quickly. "I mean, I know we haven't been together for that long."

"Yes, but you know that I care about you. A lot," Lex added. He knew he cared about Clark more than anybody else he'd ever been with, but he was telling the truth when he said he didn't know if he knew how to love anymore. "It's just that with my father, with the relationships I've had in the past, I don't say those words very easily. And if I say them, I want to make sure I mean them."

"I understand, Lex," Clark said softly. "Seriously, don't worry about it."

"Thanks, Clark," Lex said, letting out a sigh of relief. He wanted to make sure things were right between Clark and him, but he also wanted to make it clear that he wasn't ready for their relationship to progress so quickly. "I knew you would understand. See you tonight?"

"Sure, Lex. I'll see you tonight."

(February)

Despite Lex's penchant for the extravagant, Clark and Lex decided to spend Valentine's Day at the penthouse. Lex offered to have his cook make something special for the occasion, but Clark offered to make dinner for Lex himself. In the end, they compromised, and Clark and Lex made dinner together. More than anything, it was a chance to spend some time together doing something new and doing something other than sex that kept them completely focused on each other. Clark was often busy with school and work and Lex had been overwhelmed with post-holiday work in the new year. They had a modest meal prepared by their own hands, sitting on the floor of Lex's entertainment room and watching movies. They had entertained the idea of going out for dessert, but they decided against it since the two of them being seen together out on Valentine's Day could only mean one thing to the press. Lex wasn't particularly trying to hide their relationship, but since Clark hadn't told his parents about them yet, there was an unspoken agreement to avoid the public eye even more than they had before. They could kill two birds with one stone--Clark didn't have to risk his parents finding out about their relationship by reading the latest tabloids and Lex didn't have to deal with the public relations nightmare that would result in the world finding out that he was dating a college-age man. Besides, Lex figured if Clark wasn't going to deal with his parents, he didn't have to deal with the press.

The night wore on and exhausted from recent business trips and endless hours of work, Lex fell asleep, head in Clark's lap, television still blaring. Clark looked down at his boyfriend, sleeping so peacefully in his lap, hand resting on and almost gently holding Clark's knee. Lex looked so relaxed in the kind of deep sleep that only children who didn't have a care in this world slept. Clark smiled softly at the sight--he knew Lex was never this unguarded around people and it warmed his heart to think that he could be this comfortable around Clark. While Clark still wished for Lex to say those three little words, he found hope in this moment.

(Spring break)

Clark and Lex had been dating for almost four months and despite the fact that they adamantly avoided the love issue, both had practically changed their entire lifestyles to make time for each other. Clark was spending almost every night at the penthouse and Lex had eventually just stopped asking if he wanted to come over.

Clark decided to spend his spring break in Smallville before returning to finish his last semester in college. He was slated to work at The Planet after graduation and he didn't know when he would have a chance to spend some real time at home again. Clark had of course refused Lex's offer to send Clark home in his company car partly because he didn't want to ever be seen as taking advantage of Lex's money (even though Lex offered it freely) and partly because he didn't want to be seen pulling up into the Kent Farm driveway in a Luthor company car. So, Lex dropped off his boyfriend at the bus station in the morning before heading off to work.

"Hey," Clark answered softly, hoping his parents didn't hear his phone ring even though he was all the way in the barn.

"Hey," Lex answered. "I was just calling to make sure you got in okay." Clark was scheduled to get into Smallville around lunchtime, but by the time Lex realized Clark hadn't called, it was already ten o'clock at night. "I got worried when you didn't call."

"Sorry," Clark apologized, his voice sounding hoarse and tired. "Yeah, I got in okay. Just been busy talking to my parents."

"What's wrong?" Lex asked at hearing the sadness in his lover's voice.

"I just... I told them that I was bisexual."

"And?" Lex prompted quickly. He had been waiting for Clark to tell his parents for a long time, especially after they had started dating, and he was anxious to hear their reaction.

"And they didn't take it too well," Clark said sadly. "God, my mom just kept going on about how I shouldn't rush into this decision too quickly, to take into consideration how difficult my life would be as a gay man."

"But you're not gay," Lex corrected. "You're bisexual."

"It's the same thing to them." Clark said flatly.

"What about your dad?" Lex asked gently. He expected Martha to be more understanding, but he could see Jonathan flying off the handle at the news of a gay son.

"He didn't say anything. He won't even talk to me. He just got up from the kitchen table and went out to work on something in the fields."

"I'm sorry, Clark," Lex said, at a loss for words. Clark just sounded so depressed. When Lex had faced this situation with his father, he had simply listened to a lecture on how disgraceful a homosexual lifestyle would be to the Luthor name and then went and did whatever he wanted. But the Kent family was close and along with Lex, Chloe and Pete, Clark considered his parents not just family, but best friends. Lex couldn't tell his young friend to just tell his parents to fuck off.

"Hey," Lex said, answering his cell phone. He was on his way out of his office when he saw Clark's number flash up at him.

"Hey," Clark said dully from the other end.

"How are you doing?"

"Okay, I guess. I'm sorry about last night. I'm sure you're freaked out about the whole thing with my parents." With all the arguing and crying, Clark had been so distressed that when he talked to Lex, he hadn't really considered how it would make Lex feel.

Lex paused and then, trying to sound casual, asked, "Did you tell them about me?"

"No," Clark said, feeling a bit embarrassed. "After the way they reacted about my being bisexual, I was too scared to tell them about you. Are you mad?" Clark asked tentatively.

"I'm not mad, Clark," Lex sighed into the phone as his driver opened the limo door and Lex climbed in. "I'm just surprised I guess. Your parents can be conservative, but I just thought they would take it better."

"So did I," Clark said half-heartedly. "My mom just kept going on about how difficult life is already with trying to make a living and have a family. That life was especially hard for me because of my powers. That I didn't need to add to it all by being gay."

"Well, she's kind of right, Clark," Lex said, trying to be considerate of his parents' feelings. Lex might not agree with their reaction to Clark's coming out, but they were still his parents. "Being openly gay isn't easy. I mean, I don't really talk about my sexuality in public, but after my rebellious teen years in Metropolis, my bisexuality is pretty widely known by now."

"How do you deal with the prejudices?"

"In case you've forgotten Clark, I'm a Luthor. We're hated everywhere. Being bisexual is only icing on the cake."

"That's the thing, Lex," Clark said, sounding something more than completely deflated for the first time. "Life has never been easy for me. I was never the popular kid in school. I always grew up worrying about money and having to help out on the farm. I've lived with the pressure of my powers my whole life and the truth about my origins since I was fifteen. I'm used to dealing with challenges, with hardship. And yes, I know that being bisexual only makes it worse--you think I don't see how people look at us when we go out?"

"That might be more because I'm a Luthor than because I'm a man," Lex offered. He had gotten used to people looking at him when he went out. He sometimes forgot that others might not be as desensitized to the stares.

"You know, my mom actually begged me to change my mind. She told me I was going to give my father a heart attack."

"I'm sorry, Clark," Lex said, again at a loss for words. He was slowly starting to become angry at Clark's parents for the way they were treating their son, but Lex knew it wasn't his place to interfere, much less bad-mouth them. "You shouldn't have to deal with that kind of guilt."

"I know, but I can't help feeling guilty," Clark confessed. Clark had learned to not feel as guilty about the effects of the meteor shower on the residents of Smallville, but he still felt an overwhelming sense of duty to the people who had taken him in almost eighteen years ago. "I mean, they've given up so much from the day they found me in the cornfield to even now where they scrimp and save to send me to school. I just feel like I've let them down."

Lex stayed silent, giving Clark a chance to vent about the events of the past twenty-four hours.

"But they say they did all of those things because they love me," Clark continued. "But how can they love me if they can't support me in this?"

"I'm sure they still love you, Clark. It's just hard for them to understand."

"I know, but I wonder if all these years, every time they've been proud of me or supported me, I wonder if it was simply because I was doing something they agreed with, not because they truly loved me unconditionally."

"It was probably a little bit of both," Lex conceded.

"You know when I realized they just didn't get it? I was sitting in my room and my mom came in to apologize."

"Apologize for what?"

"For being small town farmers. For not being able to be around more while I was in Metropolis. They think that if they had been able to keep me in Smallville or if they had been able to spend more time with me in Metropolis, I wouldn't have been so easily swayed into trying homosexuality. They think it's something they could have stopped. They think it's a phase that I need to grow out of. They just don't get it," Clark explained in a frustrated voice. "I've had trouble dealing with who I am my whole life. I can't just choose the easiest path--I have to choose who I really am. I can't get rid of my powers and I can't get rid of this either."

"I'm sorry, Clark. I wish things didn't have to be this way," Lex said, trying to at least offer his sympathy.

"Thanks, Lex," Clark said, calming down a bit. He knew that this couldn't be easy for Lex since he was the man Clark was currently acting out his bisexuality with, but Clark found it so easy to talk to his boyfriend about everything. He knew Lex would understand the prejudices and talking to Lex just made Clark feel better about everything. "I'm going to tell them about you soon. I just need to work this stuff out with them first."

"I understand, Clark. You just figure out what you need to do," Lex said. Lex wished Clark would tell his parents about their relationship now, that Lex could be involved in that part of Clark's life that he shared with his parents, but he knew that Clark needed to work things out with them first. Lex wasn't just Clark's boyfriend--he was his best friend too and he would be there for Clark even if Clark was essentially lying to his parents about their relationship.

(End of April)

Clark had finished his honors thesis and was pretty much spending most of his days working at The Planet. As a result, his evenings were usually free to spend with Lex.

They had spent the evening lounging in front of the television and watching a DVD. As midnight neared, Lex turned off the television and walked over to the bedroom, Clark on his heels. The couple's sex drives had slowed over the past few weeks, especially after Clark's troubles with his parents, but Clark was hoping to make up for it tonight.

Yet, when they had finished changing and brushing their teeth, Lex simply got into bed and turned off the light. Clark tried to curl up around Lex, kissing him and caressing his body underneath the silk pajamas, but Lex didn't respond as fervently as he usually did. Clark pulled away, surprised by Lex's reaction, or lack thereof, and sat up, turning on the bedside lamp.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong, Clark," Lex answered, still lying on his side, his back to Clark. "I'm just tired."

"Are you too tired to have sex?" Clark asked, knowing that Lex was holding back.

"No, it's just... Clark, graduation is in three weeks," Lex said finally, sitting up as well. "What were you going to tell your parents about me?"

"What do you mean? They know we're friends," Clark answered, trying to act confused.

"Yes, but they don't know that we're more than friends, Clark," Lex said, his voice tired as he brought up the subject they had been avoiding for months. "I know you've been having problems with them because of your sexuality, but when were you planning on telling them about us?"

"It's just hard, Lex," Clark sighed. "I mean, my relationship with my parents is so strained right now as it is and with the pressures of graduation and everything coming up, I don't know if I can handle adding this to the list," he explained, drawing his knees up to his chest and burying his head in his hands.

"I understand that Clark," Lex said as he put a comforting hand on his boyfriend's back. "But we've been together for almost six months now and you've become such a big part of my life. I want to be there at graduation to share in your accomplishment and I want to be there as what I am--your boyfriend, not just your friend."

"I know, Lex, and I want the whole world to know that we're together," Clark said softly, head still down. "But I don't know if this is the right time. I mean, my parents still support me in a lot of ways and I don't know how they'll react to our relationship."

"You know I would help you out financially if you needed it. But I don't want you to turn your back on your parents because of me. You need to work things out with them."

"I know, Lex. I just need some time," Clark said, despair creeping into his voice.

"Okay, Clark. I'll give you time," Lex sighed, but braced himself for the moment he had feared. "But maybe it's better that we take a break for a while. At least until graduation is over and you're settled into your new apartment and job."

"What?" Clark said, lifting his head to meet Lex's eyes. "So that's it? That's the end of us?"

"Not as friends, never as friends, but as lovers, maybe," Lex answered, trying to remain calm and hide how much it hurt to say those words.

"You can't mean that, Lex," Clark cried softly.

"I do, Clark. I can't do this anymore," Lex said, his voice cracking as he stared into Clark's wide eyes. "It's just too hard."

"I don't understand. They're not your parents."

"But they're yours," Lex insisted.

"And you don't understand how they'll react. My father has practically stopped talking to me since I came out and if I tell them about us, that I'm dating a Luthor, do you know what they would do?"

"I understand your concerns, Clark, but what am I supposed to do?" Lex asked, upset by the point they had come to. "How am I supposed to sit here, knowing your parents judge me without even bothering to know me? That it doesn't matter how I treat you or how much I care about you? That all that matters to them is my gender and my last name?" Lex had tried to be a friend to the entire Kent family for years only to be rejected time and time again by Clark's father. Sure, many people in both Metropolis and Smallville might have good reason to resent or even dislike Lex, but he had worked tirelessly to prove himself to Jonathan and Martha.

"Look, Clark," Lex sighed, trying to keep his emotions under control. "Your parents are a big part of your life--I've known that since the day I met you--and they will continue to be a big part of your life. Look at me: I practically hate my father most of the time, but I can't get him to stay out of my life."

"So what are you saying, Lex? That I should choose--you or them?"

"No, Clark, that's not what I'm saying," Lex said, shaking his head. "I would never want you to give them up because of me. I know what they mean to you and no matter how much you think you... you like me, I can't fill that void."

"No, Lex, I don't like you," Clark said firmly. "I love you."

"Clark, please," Lex begged, looking away. "I'm asking you to be honest with them, to be honest with me. I care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone in my entire life, but I can't go on like this, I can't move forward in this relationship if it's going to be this big secret, something you have to lie about to your parents."

"And what if they disown me, Lex?" Clark demanded, his voice filled with anger and frustration. He knew Lex was right, but he was also afraid of what could happen if he told his parents the truth. Lex always told him to never walk into a situation without calculating all the necessary risks. "What if they say that they won't have a gay son and they certainly won't have one who is in love with a Luthor? Where will I be then?"

Lex stayed silent. For all his education and power, he didn't have an answer.

"Lex, if you asked me to, I would give them up in a heartbeat," Clark declared when Lex didn't say anything. "But how can I tell them about us, how can I run the risk of my parents disowning me because of you if you can't even tell me that you love me?" Clark knew it was a low blow, that he should tell his parents the truth no matter what Lex had or hadn't said, but he couldn't hold in his feelings about this any longer.

"Clark, we've discussed this already. You know how hard it is for me..."

"I know, Lex, but can't you realize how hard it is for me?" Clark said, raising his voice. "How hard it is to share a bed with you every night, to anticipate every moment with you, to find myself glowing every time I think about you, but all the while, having these disturbing thoughts in the back of my mind, having this unsettling thing eating away at me from deep down inside?" Clark circled around the bed, kneeling before Lex and taking his lover's hands into his. "To know that I'm so desperately in love with a man that if my parents--the people who are supposed to love me the most--found out, they would disown me and leave me with what? Someone who can't even tell me how he feels about me?" Clark rose, placing his hands on Lex's shoulders to look at him straight in the eye, his voice lower now, but filled with an even greater hopelessness. "Lex, I would give up everything for just the promise of you, but I don't even have that. How can I turn my back on the people who took me in, who raised me all these years for the chance that you might love me one day? Where will you be when I'm out on the street, with no family, no home?"

"It shouldn't have to come to that, Clark," Lex argued, refusing to look Clark in the eye. "I'm not asking you to give up your family. I'm asking you to be honest with them."

"And what if they end up giving me up? What am I supposed to do then?" Clark asked as he threw his hands up in frustration. "You refuse to tell me that you love me, you refuse to say that you'll fill the void if I give up my family."

"I didn't say I wouldn't. I just know I can't," Lex said softly. Clark realized that this was perhaps the first time he had heard Lex so meek, so vulnerable.

"Maybe you can't tell me that you love me because you don't. Well, I guess I had to figure it out eventually," Clark said, his voice breaking as tears started to fall down his cheeks. He couldn't let Lex see him like this after all they had been through--he turned away and started to put on his clothes and gather his things.

"Where are you going?" Lex asked, watching Clark move around the room.

"Back to campus, where do you think?" Clark answered from the bathroom as he packed his bag with the few things that he kept at Lex's. His mind was swimming with what had just happened, his vision blurred with tears--he wasn't thinking clearly enough to use his speed to move any quicker.

"You don't have to go. It's late," Lex called to him. He hadn't expected to have this conversation right before they were supposed to go to bed, but even if they had, he didn't want Clark walking the city streets this late and this upset.

"You think I can stay here after this?" Clark said, shocked at Lex's request, but knowing in the back of his mind that Lex was only looking out for Clark's safety. "I have to go. I can't be here with you. I can't even look at you right now."

And with that, Clark was gone. Lex sat alone in his bed with no one beside him and a draft from the open door.

To be continued...