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living used to be your favorite thing. being able to roam around the streets, breath the fresh air, get to admire the smallt things, be able to munch as much food, enjoy movies while freezing in your seat at the cinemas, and well—feel her warmth.
to be able to hold her close when it gets too cold and she'd whisper "are you okay? I can lend my hoodie."
then you'd shake your head at the offer so she looks around for a moment before patting her lap.
you'd happily comply and the both of you would cuddle in one seat the last hald of the movie.
—
death is something you never really thought about, and whenever you do you'd end up shrugging.
it comes when it's the right time. that's what you think.
so before death you're sure you'd get to marry the love of your life. cuddle her to sleep for more years. whisper sweet nothings and random stories in the late night in each other's arms when the both of you can't sleep.
wake up to those soft brown orbs and let the butteflies flutter around your chest.
it's so warm.
—
crying is—was something you never got to do so much. maybe becaude you've admired the world so much that you've grown up being optimistic.
you don't cry when others do too. it's just.. you know yourself that you don't know how much pain they're going through to cry as well.
plus you aren't emotionally close with anyone so it's easy not to feel that sad in just one on someone's teary eyes.
but her..
when she cried, there's nothing you can feel but a dark void in your chest like your heart's filled with holes until it feel empty.
the brimming cup of love and happiness is now drained and dry.
"I'm sorry.." you mutter, she can't hear you of course.
your dead.
and there's nothing and no one there to comfort her as she looks at the closed casket, missing her dead lover's warmth.
—
ghosts. a concept you both believed in and didn't. the lack of information about it just gave you doubts but then again the encounters also proved that it's real.
but now.. now it's weird to be one.
"new kid!" someone calls for you and you roll your eyes.
"yu jimin, my name's kang soeun and I've been in this cemetery for the longest time." you smile, and sit on the grass where six feet under holds your body.
"and you've been here for what? one year. that's the longest and oddest record I've witnessed" karina says softly, sitting down beside you.
karina's a soul watcher as a few souls you've met mentioned and her purpose is well to check if the souls are behaving well and not disturbing humans. simple.
"rina, how long does it take before a soul crosses to the afterlife?"
"well rina, as I've observed it only takes 40 days or well.. 40 to 50, and the longest is 50 'cause well they tried to contact every person they knew and whooo! i was dead tired after that week."
you scoff, "dead tired? you can just say tired since you're already dead."
she kicks your side but of course fails, "foul, ms. kang. foul."
"now I think you should visit that girlfriend of yours" she suddenly suggests.
you think about it though. it's been a year and most likely people had moved on from you, and that includes lucy. or atleast you hope she does.
"nah.."
"pft, loser."
"just go visit minjeong!"
"I would but she's married to this.. minju girl now and I loved her about two lifetimes before. the minjeong now will never recognize me"
"you're okay with that?"
"we're dead, soeun. we have no choice." and with that she leaves with a frown.
—
probably one concept you've learned about a ghost is that they still have feelings.
'cause compared to when you were living you've probably felt more emotions as you roamed around.
but what surprises you the most is..
the feeling of jealousy.
specially now that you're watching lucy smile at a random girl infront of her.
they're in the middle of the park, dancing with each other along the silence.
and it hurt.
she smiled like that girl is her world—no, lucy smiled at her world.
and that's not you.
—
"so much for the 432 no-s to my suggestion" you jump at the voice beside you.
"fucking hell jimin.. warn me next time, will you?"
"well we can't exactly tap each other, we're all air" you sigh, unable to rebut at her words. she's right anyway.
the both of you eye the coffee shop across the street.
you send a glare.
"ah.." the watcher laughs in amusement.
"first time? that's okay.. you'll get used to it." she says before landing her eyes back at the young couple who were basically glued to the hip as they laughed at their phones. even showing each other what they saw.
—
they kissed.
they kissed.
you may not have a beating heart anymore but somehow you could feel it sting.
it hurts.
people say it feels like it's shattered but you beg to differ.
no, it feels like it's not there. so empty. nothing but air and dark living and feeding off of you.
and you let yourself get sucked in.
—
this is bad.
you shouldn't be doing this.
she's happy now.. shouldn't you just stay happy for her?
and she looks so peaceful. smiling in her sleep while she hugs the sheets gently.
"lucy.." you mutter, tears rolling down your cheek but you try to suppress them.
"love?" you freeze.
you turn to look and she's staring at you. straight into your eyes.
"you're here.."
"you can see me."
you both mutter at the same time.
without any hesitation you engulf her in a tight hug. burying your face to her neck while sigh in content.
warm.. you missed it so much. you missed her.
"h-how.. I saw.. they pulled out of the fire. i-in a bag.." she's shaking. you hold her tighter and make gentle rubs on her back.
"I'm still dead, love. I'm sorry.."
now seated across each other, and unable to look each other in the eye.
"I just really wanted to.." you start, "wish you congrats about being happy again" you whisper.
she doesn't respond.
"I first saw you guys at the park, dancing. then the last time I saw you guys when she kissed you when she walked you home.." lips trembling, you let out a deep breath and quickly wipe the tear, "you guys look good together.. I'm happy for yo—"
"it's still different." lucy suddenly cuts you off, finally looking up and you swear you could see what she felt through her eyes.
cause that's exactly what you feel.
regrets. longing. broken. empty.
"I'm happy but.. I still end up looking for you. I end up messaging your number even if I have your phone which has been dead in my drawer for a year now. I still look through our photos and videos together. I'm still—fuck, I still miss you rina. it hurts so bad." she sighs, breaking down once again. you try to hold her again but no.
you can't again.
it's cold.
"that girl I'm seeing.. she's—" she pauses to catch her breath, "she can't compare to you. I still feel empty and, and.."
"let me go" you finally let out.
"no! love, please.."
"I can't, love. I love you but that's all I can do now."
"then I'll be okay with that—"
"no! hyojung, listen closely. I want you to let me go.. it's done for us. I'm just a chapter in your life, I need you to finish the book with the happy ending you've always wished." you tried to hold her cheeks to dry her tears but once again, you're reminded of the cold.
"you're leaving again.."
"yes, I shouldn't even be—"
"you're fading away." she mutters again.
unable to comprehend her words, you're eyes instantly look down at your hands. they're fading.
"yeah.." you chuckle bitterly. "close your eyes, please?"
your thankful that she happily complies.
for one last time, you lean in and place a kiss on her forehead.
"thank you for giving me my happy ending, noh hyojung. I spent my last day alive with you and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you, and I'm sorry we—I, didn't make it." and with that everything's bright.
—
oh wow that's bright.
you hiss at the bright light and—
beep.
"call the doctor! she's waking up!"
"yoojung?" you could barely mutter, but soon enough you pass out again.