Chapter Text
“Is he doing okay now?” Lumine asked impatiently while fiddling with the hem of her dress.
“I am afraid his condition won’t be improving. The meds will only slow down the process from worsening.” The doctor was busy writing the names of the prescribed medicines. He took a glance at the blonde through his glasses. “I am sorry. We tried our best.”
Gods certainly weren’t on her side. “When can I take him home?”
“Today. But it would be better for him to stay here a few more days. We never had a patient like him before. Corrupted by Abyssal power along with using delusion too much -”
“Can I go see him?” With an imperceptible annoyed look, Lumine interrupted him. She didn’t want to hear any more of whatever he was going to say. ”And he is going home today.”
“Yes, of course. Please, follow me. Maybe staying in a familiar place with familiar people will ease the pain.”
Nervousness crept through her whole body. Why was she nervous? Why would a woman meeting her husband feel nervous? She considered herself a very strong woman, both physically and mentally. Ajax, the man she came to visit, was her beloved husband. For two years, they lived happily as a married couple. Countless times they kissed and made love. Countless battles they fought side by side. With Ajax’s help, Lumine took the Unknown Goddess down. It was Ajax who helped her to reunite with her brother, Aether. In her defense, she hadn’t seen her husband for the last four months. The doctors forbade her to see him. They said that it might interfere with his treatment.
“Thank you, doctor.” Lumine gave him a small smile after reaching Ajax's cabin. Smiling back with a sympathetic look, the doctor left.
Taking a deep breath, she slowly pushed the door. There he was, her husband, her one true love, her soulmate. His messy ginger hair was neatly combed. Lumine hated it. She liked his usual wild hair. Ajax was sitting in one corner of the room, slowly rocking his body back and forth. His arms were locked around his knees and his head buried into them. Muffled, gibberish sounds were coming out from him. If anyone who didn’t know him saw him right now, no one would believe what a fierce warrior he once was.
“Ajax?” Lumine spoke softly from afar.
Ajax pulled up his head. His dull blue eyes never had a sparkle in them. But now, the right eye - the good eye - seemed deader somehow. After the unfortunate accident, he lost his left eye and started wearing a black eye-patch. She should thank the hospital staff for giving him a clean shave. Ajax never liked a beard, no matter how many times Lumine told him that it might look sexy on him.
A small frown drew near Ajax’s brows. His lips were trembling. Lumine’s heart was throbbing intensely. Maybe she was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to remember her. Maybe that’s why she was so nervous.
“Lu-Lumi?” His voice was soft. “Lumi, is that you?”
Lumine wanted to jump right into his lap. She wanted to bury her face into his chest. She wanted to shower him with her kisses. And his scent, Archons, she missed his scent.
“Yes, It’s me, Lumine.” Lumine held her back from her urges. Slowly, she walked towards him. She sat in front of him and started running her fingers through his hair.
He was avoiding her eyes. It looked like he was pondering something. Dark circles were absent from his eyes but for some reason, his face looked more weary than ever.
Holding her tears back, Lumine bit her lips. It was a good thing that he still remembered her. She cupped his cheeks and moved his head so that his eye met hers. Her fingers were now caressing his cheek.
“How are you?”
There was a board hanging on the wall.
“ Hi, Ajax! Always start your day by reading your diaries and write about your day in them! ”
Before he answered, Ajax stared at the writings on the board for a long time.
“I don’t know... I mean I am in a hospital. I started my day by reading my diary so I do know that we have not been seeing each other for a while as there was no mention of you in it. So-” He took a deep breath, curved his lips into a smile. The same smile whenever Lumine looked at it, she would melt. “How are you? How is the Fatui doing? Did you find any clues about your brother?”
Lumine took several seconds to respond. ”Ajax, the Abyss was defeated. You are not a Harbinger anymore. Aether is at our home. You helped me to find him.”
He blinked in confusion.
“Right….I wonder why the hospital staff haven’t told me anything about those...” A somber look on his face, he ran his hand through his hair. “Lumine, they are giving me pills. When I take those, my mind gets clouded. When they give me shock therapy, I feel so much pain. Sometimes I hear these voices in my head....I think I am going crazy, Lumine.” His voice was breaking. And Lumine’s heart was breaking.
Befuddled, Lumine just stared into his eyes. She was the one who admitted him to the hospital. Snezhnaya had the best facilities in Teyvat after all. The doctors were trying their best as he was an ex-Harbinger. The Fatui disbanded after the fight with Celestia ended. Except for Zhongli and Venti, all the Archons disappeared. The surviving Harbingers scattered around Teyvat.
Lumine hugged him. He smelled like medicine. She hated that. But the warmth was the same as before. Hesitantly, Ajax locked his arms around her.
“It’s okay, Lumi. I am here. No need for you to be scared.” He whispered into her ears.
Wasn’t she the one who was supposed to say those words to him? He was always the one comforting her. These all felt so nostalgic. The way he said those words, the way his arms were holding her against his body. He was still her Ajax.
“Are you crying?”
Ajax pulled her away and slowly wiped away her tears with his fingers. In the good old days, he always used to kiss her tears away.
“Do you remember who I am to you?”
“My wife. We are married.”
“That’s right.” A painful smile came across her face. Should she tell him that he was a father of beautiful twins? Maybe not now. It would be a lot for him to take at this moment.
“Where are your journals? Let’s pack those up. We are going home.”
He stared at the pile of notebooks for a moment. He took the topmost journal and riffled through the pages as if he was looking for something very specific. “Did you know how I hurt my eye?”
Lumine nodded her head.
“I wrote down that I have dementia and schizophrenia. Did you know that?”
She remained silent. Ajax understood her. He always did. He could read her mind like an open book. Glad that aspect of him hadn’t changed.
“Then why? Why haven’t you visited me here before? I have been keeping track of dates. It’s been four months... ”
Lumine squeezed his hand. “I wanted to but the doctors told me it would be best for both of us not to see each other during your treatment.”
“Hm. So, what did I miss? Not like I will be remembering those. Man, I can’t wait to go back home and meet my siblings!” He laughed. Only a guy like him could laugh like that in a situation like this. Lumine missed the sound of his laugh so she let it pass.
She felt so helpless. He was unable to remember that they defeated the Celestia and the Unknown Goddess. In his memory, Fatui still was a thing and he believed he still served Tsaritsa. Both of them knew the risk of overusing Delusion and Foul Legacy. Yet, Ajax always disregarded the matter.
I never waste a second to get stronger!
I am always looking for a chance to cross my limits.
If I don’t keep using full power, I will never know my limit.
I will conquer the world one day, comrade. If I am scared of overusing my powers, then there’s no way I could rule the world.
Lumine, no need to worry. With this power, I will ascend to Celestia and become immortal. Then, after that, you don't have to worry about me dying before you. Ever.
If only he would listen to her, he wouldn’t be in this state.
Memories of the past
For two whole years, Lumine and Ajax were happily married. He still was a Harbinger when they tied the knot. Almost everyone told her not to marry him, if Aether was there at that time - he would have murdered Ajax. And the rest of the people told Ajax that he was too young to get married. So, when they got married, it felt like they were going against the world.
There were ups and downs in their married life, just like every other couple. But they were happy. Ajax started to lose it after they went into the Abyss with Dainseilf’s help to look for Aether.
Once Lumine asked Ajax what was the most terrified enemy he faced.
“I once ventured deep into the Abyss. And there I saw an enormous beast. The sight of the beast chilled me to the bones. But mark my word, comrade, one day I will slay that beast.”
That’s where Ajax lost half of his sanity. Just like he told Lumine, he fought the beast in the Abyss. Lumine couldn’t describe the beast in words. It was more like an abomination and much larger than Dvalin. He didn’t let Lumine interfere with the battle.
“This is my fight. So, stay out of it. Even if I die, do not interfere.”
“But I am your wife...I can’t let you die like that.” She wiggled her left ring-finger.
“Lumine.” Taking her left hand, he placed a kiss on the ring. “I promise, I won’t die. I will be victorious.” Flashing his famous innocent grin, he winked at her.
He did win the battle. But he had to use his Foul Legacy and Delusion. A mortal life could never survive the Abyss. Ajax did survive the Abyss once. It already took a toll on his body and mind back then. When he was in the Abyss the second time, it took so much more from him. It took his sanity.
The curse of the Abyss .
Ajax started to suffer from schizophrenia after that. Was it because of the Abyss or using Foul Legacy? Lumine believed both of them had a part in taking Ajax’s sense of reality.
“Lumine, do you see her? That’s Skirk. I can’t believe she came out of the Abyss.” Ajax pointed enthusiastically at a random empty spot. “Say hi to her. Come on, let me introduce you to her.”
“Ajax, there’s no one there.” An apathetic response came out of Lumine's lips. She was tired of dealing with these sorts of stuff with him almost every day. She already had enough on her plate.
“Huh?” Ajax’s eyes fluttered in confusion at the empty spot he was pointing at. “That’s weird. I need to ask her to teach me how to teleport this fast!”
That was only the beginning.
Like the arrogant person he is, Ajax didn’t stop using his Foul Legacy or Delusion. A couple of months later when they were in Snezhnaya, Lumine thought he would get better at his home. Archons, she was wrong. It made things worse. Lumine couldn’t face his family. Gathering all her courage and discussing it with Paimon several times, she told everything to her in-laws except the three younger ones. She couldn’t look at Ajax’s mother’s face when she told them that their little boy had become schizophrenic.
“Lumine.” Ajax whispered. “I need something important to tell you. We can’t speak here. We need to go somewhere more private.” He yanked Lumine’s hand and led her to a nearby forest.
“What now, Ajax?”
“Someone from Celestia came down here. She didn’t know I was a Fatui and working with Tsaritsa to destroy Celestia.” He put his hands on Lumine’s shoulders. “She thinks I am working for her. But I am gathering information.”
“What’s her name?”
“Who’s name?”
“The person who came from Celestia.”
“Oh.” Ajax scratched his head. “You know, I forgot to ask her. Next time she meets me, I will ask her.”
“There will be no next time, Ajax!” Lumine screamed. She couldn’t take it anymore. “Ajax, you need to see some doctors. Whoever you saw, she was not real!”
“Not you too!” He grunted out in frustration. “Father told me the same thing last night! You think I am crazy too, don’t you?”
“I...”
“Just say it, Lumine. Say that your husband is crazy to everyone.”
“You should stop using Foul Legacy...and also your Delusion.”
“You know I only use them when I absolutely have to.” He was angry. Why was he angry? He didn’t have any right to be angry. He was being stubborn and selfish.
“I don’t want you to use them even then! You are being selfish! And you are risking everything just to become strong? And we still haven’t found Aether even in the Abyss!” Lumine yelled. “You are the only one I have left, Ajax.” Anger turned into tears. “I can’t imagine a life without you. Think about Teucer, Tonia, and Anthon. At least for your family’s sake please -”
In an instant, he crashed his lips in hers. Then he slowly kissed her tears away.
“You know how much I hate it when you cry.” He kissed the corner of her eyes.
“I love you so much….”
“I love you too, Lumine.” Pressing his lips on her forehead, he squeezed her against his body. “Fine. I will try to...use less Delusion and my transformation.” The warm gaze he gave Lumine melted all of her anger and frustration.
“Thank you.”
“But I am not schizophrenic, Lumine. They are real.”
“You know what’s real, Ajax?” Lumine pulled away from the hug. She stared deep into his dull blue eyes. She tiptoed and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “This is real. You are real, Ajax. We are real.”
Ajax saw Lumine had fallen down before the Unknown Goddess. Aether was already out of breath. The Harbinger remembered his promise to his wife that he would only use his Vision in battles. He still suffered from hallucinations but he learned to avoid them. And Lumine was pregnant with his child. There was no way he would let the happiness waiting for him be taken away just like that. He knew if he didn’t use his Delusion and his Foul Legacy, Lumine would die. He never did care for his own life anyway.
And that was it. Ajax used both his Foul Legacy and Delusion to attack the Unknown Goddess. The twins were saved thanks to him. The Unknown Goddess was defeated by the trio. And Lumine was reunited with her brother.
Ajax collapsed on the ground as soon as he returned to his human form. His vision started to get blurry. His whole body was aching in pain. Lumine, with her last strength, came running towards him. Was she saying something? Her mouth was moving - but he was unable to hear anything. How sad would it be if he died here and couldn’t hear her last words to him?
“I love you, Lumine, luna moya, zvezda moya.” Those were the final words he said to his Lumine before he completely lost it.
Ajax’s memory started deteriorating after the battle. He suffered from dementia for using Delusion incessantly. Many memories of his past disappeared from his mind as well. His hallucinations turned for the worst.
Every day Lumine prayed to the Archons for a miracle to happen. But the universe was cruel. It was like the world was punishing her for something she did in her past life.
In the middle of the night, Ajax would often wander off to the snowy forest. The forest where he got lost when he was fourteen. Some nights he would draw out his bows and fight with imaginary nonexisting monsters. Whenever Lumine caught him, he would look at Lumine and say -
“Milaya, you go rest in the house. I will protect you.” Then he would laugh.
And Lumine, she would only stare at him. He never listened and often walked away from home, saying he saw Abyss monsters. One day, he attacked a passer-by at the market, saying that person was one of the spies working for the Abyss. After that incident, Lumine took away his Vision. In Inazuma, she saw many people go delusional because they were stripped away from their Vision. But Ajax was already like that. And she didn’t exactly steal his Vision - it was at their home - locked in a closet. Surprisingly, he gave his Vision to Lumine without complaining. Of course, she had to remind him almost every day for what reason she took it away.
The worst thing was that he kept forgetting that Lumine was pregnant.
“WHAT??!!” Ajax sounded excited just like the first time. “I AM GOING TO BE A FATHER!!?? And you are already three months pregnant? We need so many things to do!”
It was like the fourth time she told him that she was pregnant that month. The fourth time she saw the same reaction from her husband that month. Ajax was arrogant as always - refusing to believe that he was suffering from memory-loss and schizophrenia. Many times she told him to maintain a diary but no - he never listened.
“There are so many things I need to do. Maybe that’s why I forgot you were pregnant.” He gave an apologetic look. “I am ashamed and sorry! I need to go see Tsaritsa. After that, we can go shopping?”
“There is no Tsaritsa.”
The same conversation. Again and again. Lumine had to take him to Zapolyarny Palace to make him believe that the whole shenanigan with the Abyss and Celestia had ended, and she found her brother back.
The blank look on Ajax’s face, she had seen it multiple times by then. But it still tore her heart into thousands of pieces every time - to see her husband staring blankly at the remnants of the Zapolyarny Palace.
*******
“Lumine!” Aether spoke in an annoyed tone. “You need to let go of him! You are a deity, and he is a mortal. You two were never going to last anyway. And now you need to babysit him because of his selfishness! People laugh at him because he acts like a madman, you know.”
“Aether!” Lumine’s eyes darkened with rage. She couldn’t stand the words lunatic, crazy, mad , and every other synonym for those words . She knew everyone talked behind her back about her husband. The Snezhnayan people laugh at him to see his pathetic condition. The mighty Harbinger had now become a mad-hatter, they would say. Lumine wanted to punch each of them but refrained from doing that. But one of these days, she might lose it.
“Why are you still sticking with him?” Aether gazed directly into Lumine’s eyes. “Is it love or obligation?”
“I am pregnant with his baby. And I love him. I chose to marry him and promised to stay by his side at his worst.”
“Promises are meant to be broken. And you don’t have to worry about your baby. I will help you to raise them.”
“These all happened because of me.” Yes, Lumine blamed her. If she hadn’t taken him to the Abyss with her, he would have been fine. If she were strong enough to fight off the Unknown Goddess alone, he would have been fine.
“Lumine...It’s not your fault. You warned him so many times. He never listened.” Aether pulled his sister into a warm embrace.
“He needs treatment.” Lumine put her hand over her belly, her eyes closed as if she was contemplating something.
She hoped that this was just a nightmare. But fate was laughing at her.
Aether walked Lumine to her house. On their way, they saw a large group of people watching something. Some of them exchanged laughter and sarcastic remarks.
“YOU ARE NOT REAL!!”
That voice. Lumine’s heart sank. Without giving a second thought, she ran towards the sound of the voice. Pushing through the crowd, she saw that everyone was watching the ginger-haired man, the man who was feared by the Snezhnayans once. But now, he became a laughing stock to them.
“GO AWAY! STOP PLAYING WITH MY MIND!” Ajax started pulling his hair with both of his hands. He fell to the ground and hid his face behind his palms.
“None of them is real...none of them is real….” Like a prayer, he kept repeating the same words again and again.
“Can you believe he was one of the eleven Harbingers once?” A man beside Lumine spoke with a mocking tone.
Lumine paid no attention to them. Only irritation crept through her body. How can people act so heartlessly? Was it fun to them because he was powerful once? Did they not know that he played a big role in stopping Celestia from destroying Teyvat?
Silently, she went beside Ajax. She put her hand and caressed his hair. He always liked that.
“Hey.” Lumine softly spoke.
“Lumine.” Pulling her close, Ajax buried his face onto Lumine’s chest and hugged her tightly. “They won’t go away. It hurts so much….”
“I know, baby. I am here.” Her hands continued caressing his hair.
“That’s his wife, right? Looks like she is pregnant. She is carrying a child of a mad man.” Someone whispered but not so silently that it would not go into Lumine’s ear. She understood that whoever said those disgusting stuff wanted her to hear it.
“What did you just say?” Aether’s angry voice made Lumine more irritated. She told him so many times not to cause any trouble with those types of people. People who said mean things about Ajax and her.
Lumine turned her head, she saw Aether pull a man by his collar.
“Don’t you dare ever say those things nasty things about my sister and her husband. If you do, I will kill you with my own hands.” He pushed the man to the ground. The man was shivering in fear.
“Come on, Ajax. Let’s go home.” Lumine pulled him from the ground.
“Man! Why did you leave the house? We told you never leave the house on your own.” Aether didn’t even try to hide his annoyance.
“I saw an Abyss Mage. I thought it was going to attack me. Since I don't use Vision anymore -” Ajax’s eyes were on the ground. He avoided eye contact with everyone. Only in some rare moments, he would only meet Lumine’s eyes.
“You thought ?” Aether scoffed in return.
“Please, never do that again. I told you to never wander off alone.” Lumine wasn’t mad at him, she was just tired.
“I am sorry.” His eyes were closed. He couldn’t make his hallucinations go away, so he was refusing to see them.
“I can stay with you as long as you want, Lumi.” Aether told Lumine after putting Ajax in his room. “And besides...you are pregnant. Working alone must be hard for you.”
“It’s okay, Ae. My in-laws are very nice. Ajax’s mother will come next month. Since I have zero ideas about how to take care of babies, she’d be a great help!” Lumine forced a smile like nothing was wrong with her life.
“Just when did you grow up so fast?” Aether patted his sister’s head. “I want to make up for everything I did.”
She shook her head. “I assume you don't know anything about babies either. And you have a life of your own, don’t ruin it for me. Go hang around with Xiao. I bet he misses you. And I know how much you hate cold weather. Liyue is the perfect place for you.”
“We just need to call Xiao by his name and poof he will be here.”
“Hmmm.” Putting her hand on her chin, she said. “But I wonder how he will hear us from here. I mean, the distance between Liyue and Snezhnaya is huge. Hey, why don’t you call him and let’s see if he comes?”
“....”
“....”
The twins both burst into laughter. Archons, how many days had it been since she laughed like this? How many days had it been since she last touched Ajax’s bare chest with passion? How many days had it been since she kissed Ajax on the lips hungrily? She didn't know anymore. She stopped counting long ago.
“Okay, sister, dear.” Aether pulled Lumine and kissed her forehead. “If anyone ever mocks you and your husband again, just tell me. I will murder him and then show the dead body to everyone so that no one ever dares to mock you guys again.”
Horror filled Lumine’s heart when she saw blood underneath the bathroom door. She was seven months pregnant. Running was hard for her. But she didn’t care. With the help of anemo energy, she burst open the door.
Blood drained out from her face when she saw Ajax. He was lying on the bathroom floor, half of his face covered in blood. He stabbed his left eye with a kitchen knife. Lumine quickly snatched the knife away from his hand.
“AJAX!! AJAX!!” She was lamenting in pain to see her husband’s condition.
“Hey….” He put his hand over his injured eye. Thankfully, only one of his eyes was injured. “Am I in trouble?”
In return, Lumine just shed silent tears from her eyes. She tore a piece of fabric from her dress and cleaned the blood from his face.
“Don’t...don’t tell my mother about this...”
“You need to go to a hospital or else it will get infected.” She barely spoke out the words.
“Lumi, I -”
“Shh.” Lumine cleaned up the blood. “Let’s go.”
“I am sorry.” He stared at Lumine’s belly with his good eye.
.
Without saying a word, she pulled Ajax by his hand. Her body was still trembling with fear.
Even though his eye was severely injured, no pain was visible on his face. Funny, how he never groaned in pain when he was injured. Even after all these times, he still was the same somehow. He was good at hiding his emotions.
*******
“Why did you try to hurt yourself like that?” Lying on the bed beside her husband, Lumine put one hand over his chest.
“You will get just angry at me...” His eye was patched up with bandages. Just like that he lost one eye. How cruel was the world? He had fought thousands of battles but never got any injury that would disable him in some way. Who would have thought the person who would hurt him with a permanent injury was himself?
“I promise I won't. Plus your mother is worried sick. Teucer will be heartbroken to see you like this.”
“I will tell him I have become a pirate. Haha...” He chuckled but there was no emotion. “Maybe I should get a glass eye? Or do you think it will creep you out?”
“I am fine with you having a glass eye. But I am serious, Ajax.” Lumine sat up and looked directly into his eye. “This is getting out of hand. And I have talked with the doctors. I am going to admit you to a hospital. Tomorrow.”
“I won’t take meds. And I am not crazy.”
“Stop acting like a stubborn child! And I am not taking no for an answer. I have talked with your parents about this too.”
He stared blankly at the ceiling.
“You need to get better. For our sake.” Lumine took his hand and put it on her belly. He felt a light kick. His right eye flickered with conflicted emotions.
“Yeah...maybe I am going crazy. Maybe I do need treatments.” Ajax moved his gaze from the ceiling, now looking at Lumine softly. “I can’t stop seeing the hallucinations...I think that real people are imaginary too sometimes... ”
Lumine listened to him patiently.
“I thought if I go blind...I will be fine. No eyes mean no sight. No sight means I won’t be seeing anything. So, no hallucinations.” He laughed nervously. “I caused enough trouble for you already. And-and” He hesitated for a bit. “I am going to be a father. What if I hurt our babies by thinking they are hallucinations too?” A tear came out from his right eye. “Can’t do anything about my memory but I can stop seeing unreal stuff.”
Lumine pressed a kiss on his lips. He never returned the kisses now.
“You are in so much pain.” She never saw her husband cry. She wiped away the tear and ran her fingers over his skin. “If you had gone completely blind, you wouldn’t be able to see our baby’s face. You wouldn’t have been able to see your three little siblings all grown up. And knowing you, I know you would have regretted it.”
“Lumine..I can’t even remember what I heard a few hours ago. How am I going to remember that I am a father? You need to remind me of this every day. How bad must our children feel? Heck, I wouldn’t be able to remember their names.” For the first time, Lumine saw the pain in his face. “And Teucer, Tonia, and Anthon? I bet I won’t recognize them when they get older.”
“Ajax...”
“You know what my worst fear is?” He stared right into her eyes. “That one day, I will look into the mirror and won't be able to recognize myself. There might even be a day when I won’t be able to remember you, Lumine” He sat up and pressed his forehead against Lumine.
Both of them were crying silently that night as they realized their perfect life was tearing away into thousands of pieces.