Work Text:
“Problem child, we’ve really got to talk about this self-destructive behaviour of yours.”
Izuku sighs as he takes in the situation he is currently a part of. Aizawa-sensei is leaning against the desk at the front of the room whilst he is still sitting at his own desk. Scarred hands grasp each other tightly as he glances out the window, taking in the sight of the barely setting sun and the way it bathes the empty classroom in a warm orange glow. Watches the kids milling about the grounds, probably heading back to their dorms, and wishes so desperately he was with them. Quite frankly, he wants nothing more than to take a hot shower to soothe his aching muscles from today's training and just lie in bed in hopes of willing away this bone-deep tiredness that feels like it’s been clinging to him for far too long.
“Midoriya. Are you listening?” Zoning back in, he watches as Aizawa-sensei crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow.
“Yes I am sensei but honestly, I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about.” Izuku indignantly refuses to make eye contact with his teacher as the blatant lie slips through his teeth.
“Oh really?” He walks closer, glancing pointedly at the hands resting innocently on Izuku's desk.
Huffing, the teen shoves now clenched fists onto his lap and tilts his head towards the steadily approaching teacher.
“Is it not the essence of a hero, sensei? To help and protect those who cannot do so themselves, even if it means putting yourself at risk?”
Aizawa-sensei sighs as he sits down to face him in Sero’s seat.
“You’re fifteen, problem child. It is not your responsibility to put yourself at risk for anyone. Yes, you are training to be a hero but you are not yet one. You still have a lot to learn so maybe leave the work to those whose job it is to keep you safe. Besides, that is still no excuse for some of the self-sacrificial behaviour you have displayed. There’s a line between taking a calculated risk and recklessly involving yourself in a situation you know you are not yet qualified to handle.”
Izuku stares intently at the blankness of his desk and wonders if those heroes were successfully doing their job at keeping Kacchan safe when he was being suffocated by that sludge villain. Wonders if All Might was doing his job of keeping him safe when he told quirkless little Izuku to be more realistic about his lifelong dream and then left him alone on a rooftop. He wonders why it’s not okay for him to be hurt on his own terms now that he’s got a quirk when it used more than okay for him to be used as target practice just because he was deemed useless for anything else.
When Izuku gained one for all he thought it would fill the hole in his heart, that it would remove the word ‘worthless’ that had tattooed itself behind his eyelids. He had thought that gaining a quirk would make him feel human, would give his existence reason. Instead, he feels like an imposter, a cheater, a liar and the same worthless Deku he has always been. Entirely undeserving of his quirk, his friends, of his place in this very room. Occasionally he thinks he’s also undeserving of the oxygen that’s being wasted on him just to keep him alive.
Ignoring the tightening in his chest, Izuku just shrugs half-heartedly in response.
He doesn’t understand what’s wrong with putting himself in danger, for taking the pain for others when he knows it’s the least he could do. Helping others has always been his dream and he knows realistically it’s one of the only things he’s actually good at. So what if that comes across as reckless to others? They just don’t understand how it feels to have no other purpose. Don’t understand how it feels to know you are nothing more than a burden on your mother, to know the true reason your father left is that he knew how little value you had. To be told by your childhood friend to take a swan dive off the roof because they know you have no place in this world.
Every so often Izuku thinks dying might be the greatest thing he can offer to those who know him.
A sigh from Aizawa-sensei breaks the teen from his thoughts but he still does not look up from his desk.
“Kid, you’re going to be a good hero when you grow up. You have the potential and under the right guidance, it is only logical that you will continue to improve and reach great heights. I just don’t understand why you insist on risking it all before your career has even started yet.”
Izuku is just so tired.
“To be honest with you sensei, I just don’t really plan on being here that long.”
A shaky exhale is the only disturbance in the suddenly very still room.
“A-and that’s the hardest part about all of this because I really do want to become a hero and save people you know? But the world is just really fucking ugly. Everyone is out here trying to beat each other down, point fingers and make each other seem like the bad guy and I just don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t even want to witness it anymore. And sure that’s not like, my biggest problem but it’s something I think about a lot and I’m just, I’m tired sensei.” Izuku closes his eyes against the blurriness of his tears as a coldness lays heavy in his stomach.
“Who do you want to be when you leave this earth?”
In slight incredulity, Izuku wipes a stray tear that was trailing down his cheek and tilts his head to look at his teacher, who at some point moved from Sero’s chair and is now crouching beside him, looking directly at his face. “I’m not sure I follow sensei.”
“Well, you said you weren’t planning on being here that long. How do you want your mother and friends to remember you?”
Izuku’s breath catches in his throat and he can feel his hands shaking slightly. Truthfully he’d never really thought about it before, kind of assumed he wouldn’t be remembered, that his death would be just as insignificant as his life. But to be remembered… To be remembered as-
“As someone who tried really hard to be someone I couldn’t.”
Aizawa-sensei slowly rises from his crouch and carefully places a hand in green, unruly hair.
“I’ve got faith in you, kid.”