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Their striking staffs rung out in the empty sparring room, for the first time in a while neither of them making any headway with one another. They had been at it for at least twenty minutes without any one striking the other, which was in itself a new record for either of them. It had never gone on this long and sweat now soaked their clothes. Ahsoka’s own outfit clung to her body, just her sports bra and compression pants. Rex only wore his PT shorts while his torso lay bare and glistening as he heaved in air and held his staff low. They circled each other slowly, looking for any vulnerabilities they could exploit, though if Ahsoka was honest with herself, she was quite surprised that he hadn’t knocked her out of the game yet.
She was distracted. Even as she stood opposite to him in their circle, eyes on his hands and legwork, her mind only conjured images of Lux Bonteri in his misguided quest for revenge. Their little quest on Carlac about a week ago had been nothing short of a disaster, with an entire town burnt to the ground and a people displaced. And when she had finally gotten the boy back on his way to Coruscant, the bastard had just escaped the ship and parted ways. That… rejection had hurt. But at least it wasn’t that kind of rejection…
Rex swung low, the tensing of his arms catching Ahsoka’s errant attention as she quickly stuck the end of her staff on the pad. Their staffs struck in a loud ‘clack!’, and Ahsoka maneuvered her hands to get the leverage to swing the rod upwards and drive Rex’s away from her. He only scowled, his body tense.
Now, about Rex… she only partially knew what was up with him. After all, he had drunkenly dumped his entire romantic drama about some woman from the famous-slash-infamous Clone Bar when Kix had cashed in a favor to take the man back to the barracks. That had been an uncomfortable situation. Not because it had been awkward to just sit there as he ranted, but because she had felt what he had been feeling then. Anger. Disappointment. Desperation... And emptiness. And then there was the echo of those feelings that she felt when she had to deal with Lux. It really was something that just wormed itself into your mind and lived rent-free. She guessed that it was a good thing that the man had been blackout drunk for it, because she knew the normally stoic Rex would never have looked her in the eyes again if he remembered what he had told her.
But there were two other things on his mind that were bothering him, and it had to do with their latest campaign and his last undercover mission. She knew some of the details of what had happened on Umbara. After all, she had Rex’s own after action report followed by the others from the 501st, supplemented by second-hand accounts from Fives, Jesse and Kix. And it was Kix’s own account that had alarmed her, because he had said that the man before her was not the same person that had gone into Zygerria. He had even claimed that Rex might have never gone so far as to actually execute Krell. But he did. Which brought her to the mission to what used to be the Zygerrian Kingdom.
Something had happened during his enslavement. She still shuddered when she had come to visit him on the medbay and she had found him on the recessed bed lying face down, his back full of bandages and scars from the lashes he had received. But there had been something else in there. He had never turned to look at her, instead looking towards the wall as he had replied to her in clipped tones over what brought about his wounds. His mind was closed up, but she still felt a subtle feeling of anguish seep through the mental barriers. However, when she had probed him with just a question over what had happened in the processing facility, he had turned to look at her, and just told her in an even tone:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
He had looked so… defeated, just like when he had lost Echo back on the Citadel. Ahsoka had relented then, unsure if she should continue or pull back, but in the end she did the latter. She had spoken to Kix afterwards, and the medic had assuaged her fears that the only wounds he had sustained had been the welts and cuts from the lashes and the burns from the shock collar. Rex’s after action report was sparse during that part of the mission, and Obi-Wan had been separated from him to know what had happened to the clone. To Ahsoka, Kadavo was just a black hole when it came to Rex, but its aftermath was as clear as a star to everyone, from his composure to his physical looks.
She still wasn’t used to it. After almost two years of his regulation haircut, he had changed it to something that was far different from what she had seen in other clones. To start, she would be hard-pressed to remember a clone that had decided to bleach their hair. She could only vaguely remember one, and that clone had styled it in a way that would break Force-knows how many regulations. And here was Rex in front of her, his hair bleached and cropped close to the scalp. Ahsoka could almost hardly believe that the very same man who enforced grooming standards when she had joined the 501st now stood in front of her like that… and it still worried her.
“You know…” Ahsoka began, pointing towards his head, “I never got to compliment you on your haircut. Looks nice.”
Rex huffed, “Thanks. Didn’t like the gray growing on it.” Ahsoka knew that was just a quip, but she still nodded.
“So, does that mean that you’ll let Flak grow a Mohawk?” She slid her hands together on one end of the staff, swinging it towards his legs. He jumped, and when he landed, he swung towards her hip, to which she simply jumped back to escape his strike. He groaned.
“Not a chance!” He pressed on, and Ahsoka’s eyes widened as he stepped forward and attempted to jab at her at the chest, but she managed to meet his staff just in the nick of time. Her muscles strained as she pushed back, looking into Rex’s golden eyes as they both struggled for dominance. It was so tempting to use the Force to aid her when sparring against him, but it wouldn’t really be fair, even if he was far above her weight level and had that stupid testosterone to aid him. She grit her teeth and leaned into it, but it would only be a matter of time before she lost this tug-of-war.
“You really are giving it everything you got!” she groaned out, “Eh Rex? Not really fair for me!”
“You’re the one who chose not to use your Force.” He smiled down at her, just easing a little bit on the pressure, but still exerting just enough to still put her in a losing fight.
“Wouldn’t be fair for you.” She raised an eye-marking at him, “After all, I would win in a heart beat if I did. Plus, I need to cultivate raw strength too!”
Rex chuckled, “Those biceps could use more mass in them. I was also holding back before this, you know.”
“Oh, don’t rub it in!” she practically pleaded, feeling her strength wane at his assault. His face was close to hers now, still smug at his near-victory, and her mind was grasping at straws to wipe that stupid smirk off of him. And then she thought of Lux, and the way he had kissed her out of the blue… That… That was crazy… But it could work. After all, it had worked for her, and clones weren’t really that bad looking… They were quite easy on the eyes actually… Oh kriff it, her arms were already cramping! Just think of Lux or something!
Ahsoka looked down at his thin lips, parted as he gave that stupid small smile, and leaned in. Her lips clashed against his, and she felt him stiffen up and gasp. The pressure on her disappeared at last! She took her lips off of him, finding him with wide eyes and his face red, and she used the opportunity to swipe at his feet. Her staff struck true, and he easily crumpled to the floor, another gasp escaping his mouth as he caught himself on the floor.
“Ha!” she spun her staff and laid it on her shoulder, smiling wickedly down at Rex. “Got you!”
“What was that?!” He was looking incredulously at her, still red-faced as he scowled up at her.
“My… feminine charms! Like it?” She was smiling in the outside, but in the inside she was freaking the kriff out. She just had to act cool. All part of the plan. She just didn’t have to think about how she had just casually kissed someone else in the span of a week. Like Padme said, kisses can be meaningless!
“Like it?” He recoiled, “I don’t know if I will if I get sent to the brig for this.”
“Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad!” She offered her hand at him, and he took it. She pulled him up, this time with the help of the Force. “Plus, the brig? You’re overreacting!”
“How old are you?”
“Uh, seventeen?”
“Exactly.” He walked away from her and she followed him towards the racks where the practice gear was.
“Oh, so you like’em old huh?” She jabbed, smirking when Rex sighed and shook his head.
“No,,,” he placed the staff back on the rack. “Rather, I’m just surprised that I was kissed by someone who is two things.” He turned to face her. “One. She’s my commanding officer. Two. She’s underage.”
“You’re just angry that I bested you.” She replaced the staff back on the rack and placed her hands on her hips. “After all, I had to do something to win.”
At that, Rex had nothing to say as he just looked at her. “Yeah, you did.” His voice had grown quiet as his mood suddenly shifted. Ahsoka raised an eyebrow at this.
“Hey, you okay?” she placed a hand on his shoulder, and he shrugged it off.
“Yeah, just got a lot on my mind is all. Don’t worry, it’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Yeah, I noticed.” She pressed on, “By all means you should have kicked my butt five minutes in.”
Rex snorted, shaking his head as he crossed his arms. “Yeah…” He looked at his chrono’, and his eyebrows rose. “Huh, you weren’t kidding.”
Ahsoka snorted at that, but still that worry permeated her. She had never seen him this distracted, and now she had him talking.
“I’m guessing you won’t tell me what’s going on?” She probed, and Rex looked at her with a worried frown.
“No. I…” he sighed, looking away. “It’s just… These last months have been hard on the men. Especially Umbara, and I’m practically playing politics to get men sent my way to fill the ranks again.”
She sighed. He was deflecting. He was getting good at that, but not good enough. At least he wasn’t lying… “Rex, come on.” His eyes closed, and Ahsoka grabbed on to his hand. “Whatever it is, it’s eating you up from the inside. You can’t go on like this.”
Rex stood there, breathing in slowly. He was silent for several moments, but there was a slight trembling where she gripped his hand.
“Ahsoka, please.” He muttered, and Ahsoka’s eyes widened a bit. He rarely used her name. “It’s not something for you to hear. It doesn’t mean anything to you.”
"Yes it does.” She squeezed his hand, hoping to get him to look at her again. “It does to all of us, here, in the Five-oh-First. It matters to your brothers. To Anakin. To me. I’m not the only one who’s noticed it.”
Rex nodded, swallowing as he kept his eyes closed. His deep breathing was even, until it picked up its pace. He began to squeeze her hand back.
“I…” He swallowed again, “I met someone… on Kadavo.” Ahsoka stayed quiet, silently urging him on by squeezing his hand back. He had opened his eyes and was looking away towards the other end of the spacious and empty gym. “She was one of the missing colonists. A girl, just shy of your age when you joined the Five-oh-First. Her markings were different, but she had blue eyes like you.”
His breathing turned shaky, and now she had realized why he was looking away. She walked around him to properly face him, and found tears running down his cheeks.
“Hey…” She grabbed his other hand, “It’s alright.”
“No, it’s not!” He yanked his hands away from her and turned around, once more crossing his arms. “Do you know what that facility is made for? It’s made to break people, and not just through physical labor in the mines and in the refinery.”
Ahsoka stood there, looking at his bare, scarred back. She was dreading the question she had to ask, but it had to be asked nonetheless. “And…” she breathed in deeply, “What happened to this girl?”
Rex was silent, his ragged breathing gaining some measure of control. “She… she died. I tried to protect her, but… I just got her killed instead.”
Ahsoka swallowed, the weight of what he must have experienced dawning on her. Obi-Wan had written about it on his after-action report. Whenever he had made a mistake, the colonists were punished. And when he had tried to protect them, they still kept punishing them right in front of him while he was stunned helplessly. Rex seemed had gotten the very same treatment.
She looked at his back then, this time no longer ignoring the whip scars that marred it. Not even Bacta could get rid of them. “I’m sorry.”
Rex shook his head, “Being sorry won’t bring innocents like her back.” He then turned to look at her. “Chaya brought light in that dark place, and I carelessly stomped on it.”
Ahsoka sighed, looking downwards to the padded floor and attempted to not let the rush of emotions not overwhelm her. She knew exactly how he felt…
“I too failed to protect people.” She began, crossing her arms. “Back on Wasskah and on Carlac. Kalifa. Tryla. I was careless. Wasn’t fast enough. And they died right in front of me.” She took a deep breath and kept the lid shut, lest those emotions get the better of her. “I still dream about them some times.” She was failing at it. “And every single one of those dreams are about how helpless I was. I couldn’t save them. My movements were so slow. My voice so quiet… It felt like I had all the time in the entire universe… and it was being squandered.”
She felt his hands grab on to her upper arms, and she lifted her head to look at him. Her eyes were stinging, her vision blurred. When she blinked to clear them up, tears began to roll.
“Hey,” he muttered, closing in as his arms began to encircle her. She fell into it, her head and montral landing on his chest as the lid fell away and the pent-up emotions spilled out. “Come on, it’s alright. I… I’m sorry.” His voice was still shaky.
“No…” She managed in between sobs, “It’s like you said. Being sorry won’t bring them back.” She lifted her arms, hugging him back and letting herself get lost in it. It wasn’t just the pain she felt, but also the shame that suddenly cropped up. As a Jedi, she was trained to let go of her emotions, but instead, they had stayed and festered. The death of Kalifa and Tryla had deprived her of her inner peace, and her romantic feelings for Lux Bonteri had taken away her focus. Now here she stood, sniffling into Rex’s naked chest as she rode the rush of emotions out. Some Jedi she was. It was almost as if all of the doubts she had over herself were becoming true…
“You did what you could.” His voice suddenly pitched in, and she frowned.
“It wasn’t enough…”
“But you did try to save them.” His arms did not let go of her, and neither did hers let go of him. “They may have died, but you saved the rest. You saved the other prisoners and the younglings. You saved the townsfolk.”
“And what about you?” She asked, frowning as she tried to sniff through her snotty nose. “You failed to save this girl, but you led that prison escape, didn’t you?”
Rex sighed, “They let us out to herd us into a killing zone. General Kenobi foiled the warden’s plan.”
“But you still kept going.” She squeezed him, “You kept fighting. Why did you keep fighting?”
He was silent then, and she felt shame pour out of him.
“Because I was led by anger. I… I killed guards without mercy. The other colonists did likewise, but still… I can only recall it and think to myself ‘What am I turning into?’” His thumb began to run circles on her rear lekk.
Ahsoka sighed, now at last feeling in control of her emotions. She disentangled herself from him, and looked at him in the eyes. “Has this happened again after Kadavo?”
Rex looked away, but she grabbed his wrist, and he closed his eyes. He breathed in deeply through his nose, and opened his bloodshot eyes to look at her. “Yes.” He muttered.
“Umbara?”
He nodded. He rubbed his eyes, sighing. “Can we do this another time? That… took a lot out of me, and it’s already late.”
Ahsoka wanted to press him on it, but she relented. She nodded and stepped back from him, but when she looked at his chest, she blushed when she realized what had transpired.
“Oh… Uhm… I’m sorry for losing my cool there.”
Rex snorted, “It’s fine. In fact, I’m a bit glad I’m not the only one who did.”
She rolled her eyes. “Misery does like company, I guess.” She wiped her eyes with the ball of her hands. “That really came out of nowhere.”
He nodded. “Yeah, it tends to do that some times. Especially at night.”
There was a silence between them, and Ahsoka just stood there nodding to what he said. They didn’t speak anymore after that, as they grabbed their bags in silence and headed out of the gym. After they had said their goodbyes, Ahsoka could still only think about what had happened in there. She had made a fantastic breakthrough with Rex, but what she hadn’t realized was that she had also been suffering through the same thing…
This war was taking the lives of so many innocents. Even after she exited the ‘fresher and got in her bed, she still thought of them. Kalifa may have been a Jedi and thus a combatant in the war, but she had been a youngling. A child. And Kryla… She was simply murdered in cold blood because the villagers had thought they could assert themselves over an armed band of Mandalorian rebels. Now only the Force itself could know what other injustices were occurring in the galaxy right now. How would the Republic recover if they were to win this war? Things just could not be the same.