Work Text:
Bang!
There was the sound of metal hitting the pavement. His body collapsed as warmth coated his side and chest. Muffled footsteps walked towards him, just barely in sight as someone kneeled down.
~
Izaya bolted up, fingers clenched in the blanket around him. His eyes darted around the room for the assailant. A few minutes of silence told him he was alone and he relaxed, rubbing at his face for a moment before picking up his phone.
3:42 am.
It was too early for this. His heart was racing in his chest and wasn't slowing down. He clicked his tongue, pulling the blanket closer as he curled legs in, resting his head on his knees. Izaya closed his eyes, practicing the breathing techniques that Shinra had taught him for whenever a panic attack flared up.
It frustrated him to be in a position like this. To feel the all too human strain on his body and mind. Even the breathing exercises were getting harder to use to calm down. His chest seemed to seize and he curled tighter, stifling the moan of pain in his throat.
He sat like that for what felt like hours, before he finally uncurled. A dull ache settled into his sternum as he made his way to the bathroom. The lights burned his eyes for a moment as they readjusted. Izaya gripped the counter, knuckles whitening as his mind spun in confusion and sleep deprivation.
"Fifth one this week. That has to be a new record,." He gave a wry chuckle and glanced up at his reflection. Red rings were forming around his eyes to add some color to the dark circles forming underneath. His hair stuck up in all directions. His pale skin had streaks of something on it, drool or tears he couldn't tell. A pulse radiated from his chest and he doubled over.
"Fuck…" His grip tightened, "'it'll help' my ass Shinra."
Izaya pulled himself upright, making the long journey to his kitchen. Water had helped a little the last time. He grabbed the filtered container, gaze catching on the small carton shoved to the back of his fridge. How long had that been there?
He set the water down, pulling the probably spoiled sweet milk out to look it over. A frown formed on his lips as he saw exactly how expired the milk was, and it hadn't even been opened. Another ache washed over him, this one a little different. Izaya shook his head at the intrusive thoughts, throwing the carton away and continued getting his glass of water.
The pain was slowly dying down as he chugged the water. It wasn't a fast or sure fix to his problem, but it helped. He looked at his desk and scoffed at the small orange bottle that mocked him, cheerfully reminding him of his mortality. Shinra had left it after one of his in-home doctor visits.
"Have they started becoming more frequent? When was the last one?" Shinra pushed his glasses up his nose, watching his friend lean back against the couch. Izaya sighed and waved a hand.
"Izaya, this is serious. Some attacks can cause a multitude of problems, not just chest pain. Accelerated heart rates can reach up to heart attack levels, plus some cases dip into depressive episodes, which you have-"
"I get it, Shinra. Thank you for your long-winded friendship speech, but I'll be fine." Izaya cut the doctor off.
Shinra wasn't convinced. He crossed his arms, leaning back with Izaya, "Ya know, breathing exercises could help lower your heart rate when these attacks happen. Plus you can do these yourself and then I wouldn't have to rush over in the middle of the night. You dragged me away from my Celty," he whined, draping an arm over his face in a dramatic fashion.
"Sorry that my health and wellbeing is an inconvenience to you," Izaya chuckled.
"It's not," Shinra shot back, his joyous tone becoming serious. Izaya looked over, locking eyes with Shinra, who had moved his arm, "I know it's hard to have mental illnesses in today's society, but I'm not going to look down on you for it. I'm your friend, Izaya, you can talk to me about these things."
Izaya turned to stare at the ceiling, hoping his expression was unreadable. Shinra had a way of knowing what was worrying someone or if something was on their mind.
"What about your anxiety meds? Have you been taking those at least?" Shinra prodded, causing a sigh to escape from Izaya's lips, "I'll take that as a no." Shinra got up, packing up his bag.
"Alright I'll get out of your hair. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call." He scooped up the bag before waving and heading out the door.
Izaya rolled his eyes, rubbing at his chest as he got up. Shinra asked too many questions, but didn't pry much afterwards which he was thankful for.
Izaya rolled the bottle in his hands, the pills clicking together. This was all so frustrating. The only thing that played to his advantage was these episodes never happened during work. Or even when Shizu-chan would chase him around Ikebukuro. The thought of Shizuo seeing him in such a state of fragility made his stomach turn.
Shinra luckily kept client confidentiality, otherwise he would have a field day trying to push his two friends together. What did he expect, Shizuo to turn around and hold him in his arms to comfort Izaya as his chest tried to explode in on itself? They didn't live in a fantasy world, Izaya had to keep reminding himself that this was the real world.
The real world that had many people who hated his guts. People who were connected and organized with more powerful people. A shiver ran up his spine as flashes of his nightmare intruded on his mind.
His legs felt heavy and he had to sit down. The couch provided only physical comfort as he leaned into the cushions. He couldn't stop his mind from wandering into scenarios with forgein powers and street thugs that knew of him. He also thought about a certain blond that invaded his thoughts whenever it was inconvenient for Izaya.
"I wonder if that monster has ever felt like this before," Izaya mumbled to himself, rubbing at his chest and hoping spreading the pain out would make it fade faster. The thought of Shizuo jolting awake with pain just for existing made Izaya frown. It was an out of place thought, one that seemed impossible. Shizuo felt human emotion, guilt and remorse, but that seemed wrong in some way.
He could try and ask Shinra, but that doctor was too tight-lipped about this stuff, especially if Izaya asked him. He could dig through Shizuo's medical records and see if he ever went in for a visit, but knowing that the blond was pretty broke made that seem unlikely.
Would he care?
The thought caught him off guard. His chest swelled with pressure.
"No no…" Izaya chewed on his bottom lip, pushing at the negative thought, but it was in vain. Once these intrusive thoughts started, he was powerless to stop them. Izaya grabbed at his chest once more, trying to force his mind to think about something else, anything else.
But his mind came to a halt on Shizuo. The blond finding him a crumpled mess somewhere lost in the city after a long winded chase. His body betraying him as it tore itself from the inside out. Shizuo laughing at how pathetic he was.
Izaya flopped to one side, curling in on himself as he held his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, as tears fell down his face.
Everything hurt.
His mind. His body.
A part of him wanted to call Shinra. His body was aching for the comfort of another person. He wanted to hear that everything was okay, that he was needed, wanted. But the louder part of him didn't want to admit defeat. Besides, he was only crushing himself with this fear and anxiety.
His body shuddered as he silently cried into his couch. What was the point in all of this? Why was this happening and how could he make it stop?
Izaya chose this path in life, he knew going in that people wouldn't like him or his tactics. Hell, Shizuo said so on the first day of meeting him and he hadn't even done anything yet. He fucked up so many people and all he could think about was causing more pain. He never believed in karma, but on days like these it seemed to slap him in the face anyway.
Maybe he deserved this? Deserved to be pathetic and weak like a normal person. So weak that he could die as easily as anyone else.
His chest hurt more as he thought about who would discover him if this pain decided to end his life. Namie more than likely would be the first when she walked in for work. She would probably call Shinra who would tell Celty in his grief.
Would Shinra grieve over him?
I'm your friend, Izaya, you can tell me these things.
Izaya sniffled, wiping at his eyes and face. Everything still hurt, but the intrusive thoughts got worse. He could feel them consuming his being, which wasn't good. The episodes hadn’t gotten this bad in months. With shaky hands, he grabbed his phone from its place on the coffee table, scrolling down the small list of contacts to Shinra's number. And that's where he hesitated.
It was early in the morning, he doubted the doctor was up. Even if he was, he was probably on a call or spending time with Celty if she was off a job. Should he take that time away from them?
He scrolled a bit farther, landing on another name. Shizuo Heiwajima.
Izaya didn't know why he kept track of it. He contemplated deleting the number. Shinra had been the one to put it in his phone when he wasn't looking. The brute was likely asleep at this hour and would be furious if he was awoken, especially by a call from his hated enemy.
Izaya shivered, feeling fatigue and regret fall heavy on his shoulders again. He glanced over to the orange pill bottle once more. How many did Shinra give him? He slowly got up, grabbing the bottle with one hand and rolling it around once more. It was brand new from what he could tell, which meant a good 30 pills for a month's worth. It was easy.
Izaya popped the bottle open as he pressed the call button, examining the small white beads as the phone rang.
It rang twice before the recipient picked up. A groggy groan of annoyance came through.
"Hey Shinra. Are you busy?"