Chapter Text
“Come with me, vhenan.”
And he took her by the hand, out of the hallway and into the courtyard of Skyhold with no regard for secrecy or discretion. Was this finally becoming real?
The small smile on his face clashed with the dazed expression that she was sure she was wearing on hers. For months they had carried their relationship in secret – well, as secret as the most influential woman in Thedas could get – because it had been his wish and she was okay with it. Solas had said to her, long ago, “There are some… considerations,” and after the Arbor Wilds she had a speculation as to what they might be.When they truly got together,he’d asked her not to be overt in their affections until he was sure of their bond’s future, even though he’d already confessed his love. She had agreed because she wanted her time with him and because she had reasons of her own. She never told anyone, but after Corypheus’s defeat she was ready to leave the Inquisition to return to clan Lavellan and resume her rightful place as First. It would not do for her Keeper to hear rumors of her involvement with a flat-ear, not after the story about her own parents. But if Solas was finally going to commit himself fully, if he was ready to make their bond real, then she was also ready to let go of the considerations of her own.
As they passed through him, Varric shot her a quizzical look and she just shrugged her shoulders, confused. She had as much inkling of Solas’s mind as the dwarf, but her imagination sent the butterflies in her stomach aflutter.
The elf stood at the entrance to the main hall and urged her to follow him. Neris looked at Varric, features all lit up, and he waved her off with a smile and a brain turning its gears full of ideas.
She took his hand again, and as both elves walked down the stairs in full view of the setting sun, her cheeks reddened up, betraying the nervousness that wracked her body. She felt more anxious, more on display than when she crossed the gates of Halamshiral. Her free hand tucked her hair behind the ear more times that she could count. How could Solas walk with such confidence right now?
From the corner of her eye she could see Sera poking her head through the window of her room in the tavern, struggling between an expression of approval and disgust, and the hairs rising in the base of Lavellan’s skull indicated that Vivienne was directing them her icy glare of disapproval from her balcony, as she watched them walk through the courtyard – not that the elf particularly cared for the thoughts of the enchanter or the rogue.
When they reached Skyhold’s gates, the itch of curiosity was too much to bear.
“Where are you taking me?” She asked, looking at Solas expectantly.
“I have something I wish to tell you, vhenan.” It lingered in the back of her mind, that he had always been hiding something from her, that she didn’t ask because it had to come from him rather than her prying it off. After the Temple of Mythal, after she finally figured it out, she was waiting for him to tell her.
“And it can’t be in Skyhold because…?”
“Because you are important to me, and what I have to say must be said where we can both be ourselves, with no reservations.”
She felt giddy with excitement. Was he finally going to be honest with her? Her heart raced as they walked the road that led to the mountains surrounding Skyhold, hand in hand, through a path he had shown her before. “Are we going to the place?” She remembered the exact day, a couple of weeks after the balcony kiss, after he whispered in her ear, “Ar lath ma, vhenan,” for the first time, how he’d asked her to meet him at the intersection that lead away from the fort, on the fifth bell after noon. She crossed the gates’ threshold, searching for any onlookers, pulled her cloak up and walked the solitary road until she saw him waiting for her. He’d taken her hand that day, too.
Solas turned to her, smiling softly, and nodded in confirmation.
Her breath caught in anticipation. That day, a few months ago, he’d shown her a hidden cave complex, used by the ancient elves when Skyhold was still Tarasyl’an Te’las. Found deep amongst the mountains, the caves had been used for their hot springs, as places of worship, and to house shrines, and though most were collapsed, one still stood intact even after countless ages had passed. It was a bathing chamber with a large pool heated by the spring that flowed through it, with gentle cascades of water that fell from above, and with the sky for a ceiling. The entrance was announced by two massive harts of Ghilan’nain, torn down and decrepit, surely from the elements. All around its rocky walls, paintings by the ancient elves, that so closely resembled Solas’s own, adorned the stone with stories long forgotten, a testament of how much had been lost. Lavellan had gone around it, tracing her fingers on the walls as she circled the room, wide-eyed and awestruck.
After recovering from her wonder, they had kissed, slowly, reverently, basking in the love that washed through them both. Then, the three words caught in her throat, desperately trying to claw their way out, but Neris swallowed them back, not yet ready to follow in her father’s folly. Gentle fingers caressed her skin, tracing a path from her cheek, pulling lightly at her lip — she could taste the salt on his fingertips— sliding down her chin and neck, raising goosebumps at the touch, until they stopped at her shoulder, hovering hesitantly over the fabric of her shirt. Lavellan gazed silently into Solas’s blue eyes, which burned with a fire that matched her own, and blinked away her permission. She had expected him to come at her with the hunger she’d seen in him at the Winter Palace ball, with a ravenous desire that transcended both sense and propriety, but in the cave, his movements were careful, loving, and soon both of them undressed each other in a slow and tender pace. The last pieces of clothing fell on the ground and they stood naked under the sky, completely bare to one another for the first time, but there was no shame – unlike when in Halamshiral he bent her over and hitched up her skirt – as she stared at his body and he stared back at hers. Solas pulled her in a gentle embrace, kissing the top of her head, their bodies pressed flush against one another.
He’d then lead her to the pool, helping her down, and she was flooded by the warmth of the spring. They bathed together, swimming and dancing in the water, playing like a pair of teenagers before settling in each other’s arms to watch the orange sky give way to a starry night. There they stayed for the rest of the day, in the lost place that they had found and was now their own.
“You know, Solas, you don’t need to take me all the way to the place just to see me bare,” she joked, trying to ease the tension that was sure to build up.
He chuckled. “I know that, vhenan. But tonight, it is I who will lay myself bare to you.”
“I think I like the sound of that.” She played at the double entendre, but she knew he meant otherwise. He was going to admit it to her, she could feel it.
They reached the entrance to the caves and made their way in still holding hands. Neris would sometimes bump into his shoulder in affection and they would smile like two fools in love.
As they entered the place, she felt his body tense slightly.
“The Veil is thin here. Can you feel it in your skin, tingling?” He slowed his pace until he stopped and turned her around. She knew he was nervous when he resorted to his Fade smalltalk. The place was supposed to make them both at ease. Lavellan tilted her head, questioning.
Solas cupped her cheek, placing his hand softly, and his gentle expression returned to him. “I was trying to determine some way to show you what you mean to me,” he said, and slid his hand from her face. The absence of his touch left an emptiness she tried to fill with her own.
“That’s not necessary, Solas. You’re my…” She tried to reassure him but the words came tumbling out before Lavellan thought them through. She remembered she’d yet to return his feelings. Was that what held him back?
“That is the question, is it not?” He smiled, but she felt his hesitation as he held her hands in his own. “For now, the best gift I can offer is… the truth.”
“You are unique,” he continued, “In all of Thedas, I never expected to find someone who could draw my attention from the Fade. You have become important to me, more important than I could have imagined.” He was stalling, trying to delay the inevitable confession that he feared would undermine their bond. Did he really think she would cast him aside because of that?
Neris interrupted him. She needed him to know that she loved him no matter what. “As you are to me.” She took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to tell him, “For a long time I was afraid that I was forsaking my Clan by being with you, like my father considered doing for my mother before I was born. Everyone told me he was selfish for wanting to run away, and I’ve been ashamed of him ever since. But I understand him now. I would give up everything if it meant I could be with you. I would follow you for as long as I live.” She squeezed his hands hard. “I… care for you,Solas.”
She was waiting for him to smile, but his face was serious, uncertain. Was this not what he needed to hear?
“Neris, I— What I must tell you…” And his gaze faltered for a fraction of a second, along with his voice. “The truth…”
“Your face. The vallaslin.” His resolve returned just as fast as it had vanished moments before, and at the words, Lavellan’s gut churned. His speech was strange, not as certain as usual, but still resolute, “In my journeys in the Fade, I have seen things. I have discovered what those marks mean.”
What? She was dumbstruck. At the mention of the Fade again, she knew Solas had changed his mind, and now, instead of admitting to her that he was one of the Elvhen, he spoke of her blood-writing. “They honor the elven gods,” came the automatic response.
“No. They are slave markings, or at least, they were in the time of ancient Arlathan.”
What? “Keeper said they honored the gods, that they are their symbols. Why would she lie about that?”
“She didn’t. A noble would mark his slaves to honor the god he worshipped. After Arlathan fell, the Dalish forgot.”
What? “No, it can’t be. You’re wrong.” But he wasn’t, was he? He’d lived there. “Why would you say that?”
“Because it’s true.”
“No, you’re lying. That’s bullshit!” This wasn’t a conversation to be had at the place. This wasn’t a conversation to be had at all. “Isn’t it enough to tell me my god was an awful being while his markings are on my face, you have to tell me I’m a slave to him?” The knot in her throat made it hard to speak. “Does it bring you joy to tear down everything I cared for just to show how much smarter you are, how much more knowledge you have?” Neris could feel the tears welling in her eyes. “If you say you care so much for me, why do you even say these things?
“Because you deserve better!”
She gasped when he gripped both her shoulders. It was so hard to look at his eyes which he kept so firmly planted on her face. She didn’t want to believe him, and if it had been just him to rebuff the Dalish she probably wouldn’t. But the truth had been there plain to see and she had refused to open her eyes. It had happened to the Chantry, to the Circle and the Templars, to the Grey Wardens and to Orlais, and now it was her turn. The confirmation could come with just a call for the voices of the Well.
Normally, having Solas yell at her made her feel afraid, afraid of the person behind the mask, as Vivienne had pointed out. This time his outburst was not truly directed at her and there was no room for fear when she was so filled with dejection and shame. She jerked herself free of his touch, and covered her vallaslin with her hands, hiding her sobs from the man who embodied pride.
His hand hovered above her arm when she turned to face away from him, before embracing her from behind and turning her gently towards him again.
“I didn’t tell you this to hurt you,” he said, tugging at her arms, “If you like, I know a spell…” She released her face from her hands. “I can remove the vallaslin.”
“If what you’ve said is true…”
“It is.”
“Then…” What a fool she must’ve looked to Solas, the man who really knew the ancient Elvhen ways. She could never understand them truly, but she did understand what it meant to be Dalish, “my people vowed never to submit to slavery.”
“I’m so sorry for causing you pain. It was selfish of me. But I as look at you now, I see you for what you truly are…” He caressed her hands with his thumbs. “And you are so much more than what those cruel marks represent.”
Lavellan breathed in deeply, releasing her gaze, but she felt her mind go blank. Could this mistake be so easily righted?
“Then cast your spell, Solas,” she paused, “Release me from my chains.”
Her heart raced, as it had done so many times during her time in the Inquisition. She had decided the fate of nations, now she decided the fate of her life. Her anxiety eased at the sight of Solas’s warm smile.
“Sit,” he said, leading her to the edge of the pool. They both sat down on their knees, the small pebbles pressing on her skin.
He released her hands to bring his own up to her face and, the smile still on his lips, and he nodded to her in reassurance.
Neris closed her eyes. She felt the mana welling in his hands and then the blackness of her eyelids became blue. She felt the skin of her chin tingle, a hot sensation rising where the lines marked her face, quickly replaced by a gentle coolness. The magic rose up, from her chin to her nose, from her cheeks to her forehead, until her vision turned black once more. Solas’s fingers hovered just aside her ears, stroking her hair, to then rest on either one of her forearms. Lavellan fluttered her eyes opened, and she was greeted by his proud expression.
“Ar lasa mala revas,” he said, the elven language beautiful and perfect coming from his lips, “You are free.”
They both rose up, hands clasped together as they had been for most of the evening, as one. His gaze was so intense, so piercing, it made her breath falter. She looked at their joined fingers, trying to determine if what had happened was real. Neris was overwhelmed, she never felt more loved than in this very moment. When she looked back up, his eyes were still on her.
“You are so beautiful.”
Solas released a hand to slide it to the small of her back, and tilted his head to lean in for a kiss. She closed her eyes, breathing in through her mouth until his lips found hers. Her free arm curled at his waist while his hand slipped further down, both pulling each other closer, for every inch of their bodies that wasn’t pressed together was a distance they could not bear. His tongue stroked her lips open and made its way inside, meeting with hers in a gentle caress. Their kiss deepened, not with hunger or want, but a need as if it was their lifeline. Time passed slowly in that kiss, and Lavellan wondered if this was how the ancient elves showed their love, when their love had all the time in the world to bloom.
And, like a soap bubble, the moment burst when Solas disengaged, like he did with all the kisses that came before.
For a second, Neris saw the happiest man in all of Thedas, enraptured in a lover’s bliss, lost and mad and ready to give up the world if it meant they could remain like this forever. He was her vhenan just as she was his. But the second had passed. His face contorted in pain, pain she didn’t understand, before transforming to his look of coolness and detachment, the mask he reserved for everyone else.
“And I am sorry,” the words fell from his mouth, not quite registering in her brain. “I distracted you from your duty,” the sentence started to make sense, in a perverted kind of way, and her stomach twisted in a knot. “It will never happen again.” “It will never happen again,” it repeated in her head, yanking the knot until it split open. The casual tone made her sick, how can someone change so quickly from being loving to being callous?
The torrent of mixed emotions clamped down all around her body, and she felt her tears pushing out, her voice pulling in. Her throat was shut tight, the sound strained as she managed a weak, “Solas…” Her body became limp.
“Please, vhenan.” He said, as if scolding. Solas took a step back, and suddenly it was if they had an entire continent parting them.
That immeasurable distance was almost too much to bear. Everything became blurry as the tears started to well up and sting Neris’s eyes. “Solas… don’t leave me.” Please, Solas, please. “Not now.” Not after everything we’ve been through, not before all we’ve yet to face. “I love you.” Ar lath ma.
His voice faltered as he shook his head. “You have a rare and marvelous spirit. In another world—”
“Why not this one?” Her arms outstretched to touch him, to make sure this was just some trick of the Fade, that she had fallen asleep and this was just some twisted nightmare. It made sense, yes? In another world — the real one. The Veil was thin here.
But he pushed her away, that single touch, that gentle pressure, that yanked her like an anchor to tether her to reality.
“I can’t.” He shook his head again, this time trying to fend off his own tears and the grimace that betrayed his pain. Why? “I’m sorry.” Solas turned his back and left. Why? Neris tried to follow, but her feet wouldn’t let her. Why?
Tears slid down her cheeks, clear and unmarked. Falon’Din left her to guide her love to the depths of the Beyond, dead and never to return but as a memory.
Her body sank down to the ground. Solas was no longer there. He was no longer here. The jagged pebbles pricked at her knees, but the pain could never compare to the heartbreak she felt. Violent sobs wracked through her chest and Neris doubled over to cry, letting the salty tears loose from her eyes wet her palms and slide through the fingers that covered her face.
Why?
Why?
Why?
The time she had to give him was so short, why would he cut it shorter?
Neris looked up to the cavernous corridor through which Solas left, wheezing and whimpering. The place was theirs no more. The bond had been severed. And then she remembered her father. Like Wicked Grace, they’d gambled, but unlike him, who bet half, she went all in.
She’d lost.