Chapter Text
“Hyunwoo-hyung? Hyunwoo-hyung! It’s really you! Oh my God! It’s really you!”
What can make people change? Is it love or is it pain?
But I think I change because of both. The beauty of love and its pain bringing along change me into ‘something’ I can’t imagine. What am I? I can’t describe myself.
I know I am stupid but can you say that I’m stupid? I’m not. I’m just... blind. So blind. I can’t look further into the future. There is an invisible blindfold.
I try my best to come to one’s senses. I try my best to break the chain. But the love itself shackles my sanity.
Because the love itself is you.
I am stupid after all.
“You just don’t know how happy I am now.”
~~oOo~~
The beginning was 10 years ago. Such a long time, right? But I can remember them all clearly. So clear because it haunted me like nightmares every day .
I just, you know, have this shit personality. I hate it when people say that kindness is my weakness. I never thought about it before because it’s just unnecessary. I just do whatever I think it’s good for people. What’s wrong with being kind to others? I’m trying to prove that everything I did for him is a matter of course. But why am I here?
He is… No. I’m not trembling. Don’t say that I am nervous just because I bite my lips like this. I’m not. Don’t pretend to be strong, you say? I’m not. Okay. I’ll consider that you don’t see whatever you see now.
Can I ask you something? Do I look terrible? Yes? Then do it, pretending that I am just your friend who is about to tell you everything I am going through. I feel like I’m breaking down.
His name, you ask?
Kihyun. Yoo Kihyun.
The prettiest that I have ever seen in my life.
What’s wrong with that mocking face? Please don’t laugh at me like that. This is a fucking serious thing for me. Why did I say that? Why not? We have to be honest with ourselves, right? I just can’t help myself to appreciate something and that’s the way I appreciate his presence around me.
No. I’m not daydreaming.
Kihyun is my junior at University. It was coincidental to meet him. The first time we met was before I was chosen as a candidate to lead our kendo club. Yeah, to substitute our president club back then. I remembered that he wore a long-sleeve brownish sweater that was oversized for his body. He wore tight jeans, making his slender legs show up too much. It’s not like I was looking at them but it was, you know, I can’t explain it well, we can say it as an attractive look then. He was cute, adorable, and yeah nice. He was much smaller than me. His hair was brownish like his sweater. His bangs were a bit longer, almost poking his eyelids. He looked younger than his real age. So white, so bright. I’m a bit happy telling you this because he was like that, exactly like my description. Like so dreamful for me.
That time, he handed his hand to me, saying, “I’ve heard about you. Nice to meet you, Hyunwoo-hyung.”
I didn’t know why he knew my name. He didn’t say his name either. But I’m not joking if I say that his smile is the thing I love so much. I won’t lie to you that honestly, he has enchanted me since the first time. I was so nervous because he looked straight at me like a cute puppy. But there was something that bothers me so much when we got closer as we shook hands.
I saw them accidentally.
His sweater was oversized but I thought that he wore it on purpose. There were still fresh scratches on his right wrist as if it was cut by a razor blade. I wondered why.
I tried to not think about it. We just met, you know. I didn’t know much about him. I thought maybe I looked in the wrong place. Maybe he enchanted me so well that I couldn’t think what was true and what was a lie. Never think that it would become like this. It stressed me out.
I didn’t know why he came to our club’s room. He wasn’t a member of the club. I had never seen him before in our University. It was embarrassing because I was about to change clothes when he suddenly broke into the room. He saw me topless. I didn’t know why I felt ashamed although it was normal. Maybe I was nervous about his presence around me with those big innocent eyes.
We didn’t talk much. He didn’t say his intention either why he came to our room. He bid me goodbye without explanation after looking around the room. I thought it was a normal thing. Encounter and departing.
He hadn’t come to our place since that day for almost two months? Or maybe three months? I didn’t count it because our first meeting was normal like the others. He enchanted me but he was also easy to forget because I didn’t know much about him. His features were gone instantly from my mind.
It was a cliche scene when I dropped my towel after I saw him walking to the practicing hall with a genuine smile as beautiful as I saw the first time. But the thing that made me stunned was: he walked over to our club president, smiling at him, and then they kissed each other on the cheeks. I was sitting on the bench near them, watching them lovey-dovey in public. But I didn’t think about it that much.
There was a moment when it came again. He wore a long-sleeve shirt although the temperature was so hot back then. I frowned as I saw those hidden scratches on his wrist, but this time on his left wrist, accidentally I saw them, while he handed out sports drinks to our president. He gave me a bottle too, so I saw them, again closer, while he was smiling at me but I didn’t smile back. Those were fresher than the first time I saw them. I was so sure. I wondered why. No one noticed it after they got drinks from him. The weird tension was in me, only, so it faded as fast as blinking.
All the members of the club were clapping, teasing our president when we were gathering in a break time. They looked good together. I agreed with that image. I almost forgot to tell you that I was vice president before our president retired. So I was the most possible candidate to substitute him.
Our club president’s name was Lee Hoseok.
I didn’t know him for long. We had been involved in that club since our first year of University. We acknowledged each other’s skills but we weren’t that close as friends. We worked together to lead the team but actually, I didn’t really know about him. Hoseok had been the leader since our second year and he chose me as vice president after that because he admitted me as the best one there. The former president before Hoseok experienced a severe back injury in a match that’s why Hoseok was chosen earlier than it should be. Hoseok has had more experience in Kendo competitions since middle school that’s why he was chosen. It was a long story but I think it didn’t really matter. No, it did. Nevermind.
So, actually, Kihyun was his boyfriend. It was the deal. That’s why they kissed.
My opinion? It wasn’t shocking because Hoseok once told us, the club members, that he had a boyfriend who was about to enroll in our University that year. They lived together at that time. They had been dating for around 1 year. So I suspected that this man called Kihyun was looking for Hoseok when we met for the first time. That’s when I knew his name.
Hoseok and Kihyun, we could say as a perfect couple. Hoseok was known as a kind leader although he easily got sick. Kihyun was a good boyfriend because he always came to him to make sure Hoseok was fine. He cooked him food, bringing his needs like clothes or things. He was so full of attention for Hoseok. They have a good-looking appearance, matched personalities, and many good things. They were like a real couple in love. You know, idealism. They were often seen walking home together while holding hands. I saw them once when there was only me left in the practicing hall. I saw them hugging or simply kissing each other. They were cute together and many people adored their relationship. Since I saw their good terms, I never paid attention to anything. I never wondered anything anymore about the things I saw. Day by day, month by month, they looked even better. They were good and I was glad about that. That’s all.
But I asked myself why Hoseok didn’t notice something I saw? And then I tried to be ignorant because my eyes fooled me with their lovey-dovey love story.
Maybe that’s when it started. When I thought everything was fine.
I was walking together with Minhyuk that day, updating our activities progress. He would stay with me that day. I missed him so much. I rarely saw Minhyuk since the second year started because I was busy practicing for the next competition and Minhyuk was busy with his first art project.
Lee Minhyuk. He has been my best friend since childhood and I always consider him as my beloved younger brother. We promised to enroll in the same University. He is the same age as Kihyun, one year younger than me. We have known each other because he was my neighbor and our families are close to each other. But since I graduated high school, I chose to rent a studio apartment near the University to make it practical and I could make more time to study and practice Kendo than coming home because our home was so far from the University. Minhyuk still chose to live with his parents because his mother was sick. But sometimes he slept over at my place if he had something to do earlier on campus.
Actually, there was a rumor about him. People said that Minhyuk visibly has feelings for me but frankly speaking, I never knew if it was true or not. I wasn’t sure about that rumor because he never showed any more feeling than it should be. We are brothers and I was happy with that. So I thought it was a stupid rumor. We had been friends for a long time and it was rude to say that as if there was someone who wanted to destroy our friendship.
Minhyuk has a bright and cheerful personality but that day after we arrived at my apartment, he said something funny. I was about to heat up the left-over kimchi soup I brought one day before and he was sitting on my bed watching the news. I still remember our conversation that day clearly.
“Hyunwoo-hyung. The one we met in the Kendo practicing hall was Yoo Kihyun, right?” Minhyuk softly asked, I turned swiftly after hearing his voice. Our eyes met for three seconds before he turned attention to the news channel. I saw him tapping his temple, usually, it was a sign that he was worried about something. But I wasn’t suspicious of it that day.
“Yes,” I nodded, turning back to stirring the soup, thinking about what I should cook next for our dinner. I was so hungry because I didn’t have a chance to eat my lunch that day because the club advisory called me, so I didn’t fully pay attention to him.
“Is he part of the club members?” I said ‘no’ without looking at him and then he continued speaking, “I see. Is he with someone there? I mean, relating with someone?”
I raised my eyebrows, not really expecting that Minhyuk would ask something like that. I told him while bringing heated soup and placing it on the small table in front of him, smiling as I realized that Minhyuk had already prepared two bowls of rice for us. He was about to take the chopstick and then I told him, “Yes. He is Hoseok’s boyfriend.”
His chopsticks fell to the floor after I said that. He looked at me, surprised. I blinked faster as I was confused. It was a strange scene. “Really?” I could see his eyes shaking as if there was something wrong. I nodded to answer him while picking his chopsticks.
“Is there something about that?”
He didn’t answer me and I didn’t mind about that. It is normal for Minhyuk to suddenly change topics because he is bad at concentrating. He took the chopsticks I gave to him and then we continued our dinner while watching television. That night, we had fun talking after such a long time and then I saw Minhyuk slept so soundly. I really missed his cheerfulness.
Maybe it was my first mistake, which is I didn’t ask further why Minhyuk mentioned Kihyun all of sudden, although they were supposed to not know each other. Because I thought it was a normal thing that everyone knows about Kihyun. Because Kihyun deserved attention. I wondered why I think that way.
I never thought that I was such a fool.
Kihyun and I never talked to each other after we introduced ourselves “formally” standing face to face. There was Hoseok between us. We smiled at each other. We shook hands. He said he already met me in the club’s room, I just nodded to answer and Hoseok only said ‘good’ with an indifferent smile. A very sharp gaze came from Hoseok. He tapped me firmly on the shoulder saying that it was enough and then they walked to the other members. I kept recalling that specific moment up until now but I wonder why I didn’t realize it about that intense gaze back then.
I paid too much attention to someone stranger to me. Not really unreasonable but there was a trigger for it. A few days later when I was walking with Minhyuk to the campus canteen, we accidentally bumped into Kihyun in the intersection of the Rectorat building. Kihyun gasped in surprise and dropped his belongings on the ground. Shortly after I realized his scattered belongings, I crouched down to help him while muttering sorry as soon as I could without noticing that our hands unintentionally touched each other to grab his book. There was a moment of silence and he grabbed the book and then put it inside his bags as fast as I blinked.
He stood up hurriedly while I stood up so slowly thinking about something. He said “hello” while showing his lovely smile and Minhyuk frowned deeply watching me wander my gaze to Kihyun’s body as if I was misunderstood. There was no continuation of our short meeting and then Kihyun was gone inside the crowd. It reminded me of how strange Minhyuk’s words were after that.
“Hyunwoo-hyung. Don’t get close to him, okay.” He said a bit panicking.
I gave him a puzzled look, asking why. Minhyuk stared straight into my eyes trying to wake me up to reality but I wasn’t sure what was the meaning of his gaze to me back then.
“Please. If you care about me.”
That’s when I couldn’t understand Minhyuk for the first time. He never was so secretive about something but he shrugged at me trying to look like nothing happened. I was so stupid. Instead of thinking why Minhyuk said those words, my head was spinning around the fact that I felt it directly when Kihyun brushed over my hand unintentionally as we tried to pick up the fallen book. Yes, I could see bandages in his palm. He fisted his hand tightly, trying to hide the mystery behind it as if I could see everything.
Why did this happen to me? Can you answer my question? Is it destiny or disaster?
Like I said before I paid too much attention to someone stranger to me, reasonable yet intriguing. Kihyun always came to our club every time we were practicing. He would sit in the corner of the room. Everybody always said the same thing about how sweet Kihyun was to his boyfriend. He always cared for Hoseok every single time. He seemed to love Hoseok so much. He often brought his camera to take many photos of Hoseok while practicing. They surely looked like they were on good terms. I didn’t know what I was thinking. My eyes followed Kihyun by a mere chance every time he was there since we bumped into each other the other day.
I knew that he was waiting for Hoseok to come home together but what was I doing? Keeping my eyes on him, thinking and asking so many questions inside my mind. Minhyuk’s words and Kihyun’s unnoticed wounded hands became two sides of magnetic, pulling me and pushing me to the edge. I knew I was no one to intervene in the other’s business but at the same time, I was concerned about him. There was a moment when Kihyun noticed me watching him. I diverted my sight to another way but I could feel he was back away. It made me curious even more about what he was hiding from us.
Maybe I was thinking too much. I felt like a delusional man. But every time my eyes met him, I could sense a shiver under my spine. He looked at me from afar but felt like he was beside me as if he was whispering to me so no one could hear, asking me for help. He hid his hands under the baggy sweater he always wore in the heat of summer. I could see drops of sweat falling down from his temple like a river of tears. There was a few seconds delay as if I was hypnotic. Kihyun and his mystery dug into my deep curiosity. It never happened to me before. But my lips kept sealed. There was no further step to intruding because I knew my place and we weren’t close. We never talked to each other.
Until one day, finally, one of the club members spoke up, asking what happened with his hand because the bandage became bigger and bigger each day. His unnoticed wound became visible and clear, no one could run from it. There was a strange sensation. My eyes grew bigger than normal. My ears became sensitive to sound as if I was waiting for his answer but I could hear none. But my inner self realized that there was something wrong. Hoseok suddenly quit practicing, bringing Kihyun outside the hall, and then they went home without notice. Our eyes met for a second before Kihyun left my sight and I was sure his lips moved to tell me something but it was too late.
Kihyun was an unsolved mystery to me. Why did I keep asking myself what happened and why I was suspicious of them?
Hoseok is a good man. I was so sure about that even though we weren’t that close. He has a soft heart for everything, not really the type of leader that I would follow around but I admired his personality. There was nothing wrong with him and of course, I always think that way. But after Kihyun’s wounded hands visibly showed, he became weird and restless. I overheard their conversation in the locker room when I was about to go to my locker to take fresh clothes before showering. I made a self conclusion. That was the idiotic side of me.
“You never understand me, Hoseok! You always hurt me!” Kihyun yelled with his shaky voice. It was the first time I heard that kind of voice coming from Kihyun who always looked invincible as a partner. I hid behind the wall when Kihyun went out of the room. I could hear Hoseok’s stress screaming. What was the one I believe? My eyes or my mind? Or Minhyuk? Why was the name of Lee Minhyuk coming out? I regretted that I forgot about it right after that.
Even though they were fighting, Kihyun kept coming to our practicing hall waiting for Hoseok. I paid attention to both of them intensively. Mysteriously keeping attached to their problem. Hoseok clearly wasted his patience bar. He kept yelling to the club members as if releasing his stressful life while Kihyun saw him with a flat gaze from the bench. It was a stressful day. One of the surprising days was because Hoseok never got angry even for something unforgivable. He was exactly like me but he changed.
More or less, everything changed unexpectedly in the blink of an eye. The next day, they were back to normal lovey-dovey couples outside but I could see Kihyun didn’t smile at all. How sad it was.
What happened to them? The same question over and over. This curiosity tickled my stomach.
A few months later, we had guests from the Newspaper club. One of their representatives was named Chae Hyungwon. He was a gorgeous man with an interesting personality. He was assigned to keep an eye on our Kendo club before the tournament for the sake of News around the campus. Our club was one of the best in the tournament and became proud of University, that’s why the University kept their attention to us in preparation for the tournament.
Chae Hyungwon interviewed us in many aspects and also took our photo for University’s digital magazine. He did the most with Hoseok as our president and sometimes I joined them as the vice president. They had good terms but it didn’t feel right to me because sometimes I noticed Hoseok seemed to be flirting with him. Maybe I was thinking too much. Maybe I became a manifestation of jealousy from Kihyun who was watching them from afar. I was a doll of the unknown.
I felt sorry for Kihyun but I didn’t try to find out. That was another mistake.
Hoseok and Hyungwon became closer day by day. I saw him turn down Kihyun who was waiting for him all day, saying he had an important meeting with Hyungwon based on the University’s request. He ordered Kihyun to come home alone. He told Kihyun to not follow him. He told Kihyun to not worry about his health. He told Kihyun to not bother coming to the hall only to bring him food and water. He did hate screaming at Kihyun. It was shocking. Most of the club members finally sensed something wrong between the perfect couple and talked about them behind the shadow. I just stood there, never joining those unnecessary talks. My eyes kept on Kihyun who was staring at me sadly as if he cried in front of me. I was a mere human who was afraid of sadness. I could reflect his feelings on myself.
We never talked much because I’m bad at words but it changed in a second.
I saw Kihyun walking alone to the back of the practicing hall building even before he met Hoseok. I followed him unconsciously. I saw him leaning on the wall alone and then taking out a cigarette with his shaky hands. I ran faster as I saw him trying to light up the cigarette. I forcefully took it from his mouth.
“What are you doing?” It was a rare moment of me yelling out suddenly. I was so angry without reason, seeing him like that.
“Give it back,” He stuttered, not the typical Kihyun that I usually know. He looked so miserable with eye bags and a pale face. He looked so sick. His right hand was still bandaged. It made me wonder how bad he was wounded and why it didn’t get better.
“This is bad for your health,” I stated.
He glared at me with all his might. His breath was rushing, holding back his frustration. I just stood facing him, challenging his aggressive stare and then hiding the cigarette no matter what he was doing to make it back.
Kihyun is pretty no matter how he looks, even when his face is so pale or when he is frustrated. He still wore an oversized top, making his features cutest. I paid too much attention, distracted by his ethereal figure. I did nothing but stand still. Saying nothing but being there. He calmed down and leaned back to the wall, watching the fallen leaves with his lips bitten. The sky was so cloudy that day. I took the lighter in his other hand carefully, so gently, so caring.
We were strangers. I was aware of that. But I skipped practicing only to stand by his side watching the rain pouring and then wetting our shoes. I threw the cigarette to the wet ground, killing its existence from Kihyun’s mind. There were a few drops of rain running on his face, picturing how the look of Kihyun crying. He looked far to the horizon while I enjoyed the wet soil’s scent of autumn.
I didn’t know what we were.
Kihyun didn’t come to the hall for two weeks. Hoseok looked so relieved. I frowned in confusion. Someone asked about Kihyun but he was nearly angry. Hoseok was turning to the dark side of himself. I didn’t know what happened between them but I thought Hoseok made mistakes. Don’t laugh at me. I was so blind.
I didn’t know much about Kihyun but I didn’t expect I would meet him at the same place again. Actually, he did come to the hall but he never came in. He turned his direction to the back of the building to sit there watching swaying trees. I saw him enjoying his cigarette there, making me full of anger. Once again, I took the cigarette forcefully and then stepped on it. He stared at me hatefully but on the other way, his hands were shaking while holding on to the ground. I took his hand shortly but he stepped into full defense, fisted his hand, and brought it to his chest. His eyes wandered to another way, avoiding my questionable gaze.
“Let me see it.” I insisted, he looked away. I took his hand forcefully and rolled his oversized sleeve to see something beneath it. It wasn’t a dream that I really saw cutting wounds on his wrist. It was a lot, there were bloodstains too and he tried to hide it with a bandage. He struggled hard to release his hand from me. I interrogated him, “What is this? What does this come from? Did Hoseok do this to you?”
He was silent, slowly taking back his hand and hiding it from me.
“I overheard that you said Hoseok hurt you. Is this what you mean, Kihyun?”
His eyes were empty. No words came out but I made another mistake just because of my biased heart. I had fallen into the grave of myself. My mind was cloudy and I never tried to make it clear.
Kihyun stood still but suddenly the tears of loneliness flooded his eyes. He whispered in low, “You are so kind, huh. We are not close though.” He was smiling but I could see how deep loneliness was controlling him. His tears were as precious as pearls, so shining and mesmerizing but I hated to see it more. Because it didn’t match him. Smiling is the reason he was born to be.
His silent crying made me helpless. I could say nothing but wait beside him. He surrendered, did not care about the loosened bandages anymore, letting his wounded hands show their existences to the world. I was the witness of his sadness.
After he calmed down, I brought him to my apartment to treat his wounds. I was about to bring him to the campus clinic but Kihyun refused it because he didn’t want to make a fuss around. There might be many people asking about his wounds if he did that. So in the end, I invited him to my apartment because it was quite close to University. He was hesitating but after I said I only wanted to help treat his wounds and wouldn’t tell anyone about it, he loosened his guard.
I didn’t know what happened to me. It was like a dream, walking together side by side with Kihyun. I always saw them together walking home while holding hands. It was a few months ago, the last time I saw them was lovey-dovey and Kihyun didn’t have that many wounds. Maybe I could say I was envious of seeing them. I didn’t know what I was envious of. But after walking with him, I realized that I only wanted to see him closer without anyone interrupting us. I unnoticed changing.
He was sitting on my bed, looking around the small apartment, feeling strange with the new place. It was also the first time I brought someone other than Minhyuk to my apartment. I was so nervous about that because I could show everything to Minhyuk but it was Kihyun so it felt different.
“I’m sorry. It’s a mess and small,” I grinned in embarrassment. I took a small chair and placed it before him. I already prepared for any kind of emergency kits such as medical or food, so I was well prepared to treat him. I gave him a small smile but he looked away.
“It’s okay.” He didn’t stare at me. It made me feel awkward.
“Let me see it.”
I could see his doubt. He fisted his hand on his chest, still hesitating to show it to me although he had opened up before. But after he took a deep breath, he slowly gave his bandaged hand to me. I rolled off his bandage to see it detailed. It was quite bad and there were many cut wounds deeper than the others. I felt bad to see it more. His hand was small with short fingers and soft skin but it looked so terrible. It was sad.
I treated his hand gently, cleaning up the bloodstain, giving antiseptic on them. I could see he grimaced in pain, holding back to not making a sound. I hesitantly glanced over and our eyes met in the way. My attention was back to his hand, trying to erase awkward tension between us by finding the remote and getting the television on.
“Done,” I said while sneaking a look at him and then shortly got up to put back the medical kits.
“Thank you.”
His voice was soft and low. It was kinda different from what I usually heard when he was with Hoseok. It also made me realize that we rarely talk to each other and I didn’t know what I should say. He didn’t say much too, keeping his eyes on the television while I made him warm earl grey tea.
It was an awkward day but I didn’t know why I loved it so much but I realized that I wasn’t allowed to think that way.
“Hyung, I saw you with Kihyun going somewhere yesterday.” It was the first sentence coming out from Minhyuk as soon as we met in the University garden. It was supposed to be a fun lunchtime but Minhyuk came to me with a frown, a negative presence. I never saw him like that before.
“Yes? What’s with that?” I asked confusedly because it was nothing to worry about. I sat on the bench while Minhyuk had his hands on his hips like he was trying to scold my stupidity.
“Where were you going with him?” His stare was about to stab me if I didn’t say it honestly.
“You know, there was something. Well, my apartment.” Minhyuk gasped in shock. I was so lost with the track. Minhyuk is dramatic sometimes, but I could differentiate it clearly that actually there was something more than his dramatic response. So I told him the surface but not the main problem because I had promised Kihyun to keep it secret. “We didn’t do anything bad. I just helped him.”
“Help him what?” He barked louder, making our surroundings pay attention. Noticing the attention, he took a deep breath before sitting facing me. He put his hands on my shoulders, looking at me straightly as if there was something important he wanted to talk about but I couldn’t guess at that time. “I told you, don’t get closer to him. Remember? He is Hoseok-hyung’s boyfriend. Remember that.”
I didn’t know why I felt a bit upset about his words. Of course, I knew that Kihyun was Hoseok’s but it didn’t feel right at the moment Minhyuk said it because it was showing that something happened with their relationship although Kihyun didn’t want to talk about it. It did feel right in my head and it didn’t feel right in my heart. “Of course, I know. We barely know each other. That’s why I told you we did nothing.”
He squeezed hard on my shoulders. He convinced me with his eyes. I really didn’t understand him. He spoke in such a firm tone. “I don’t mean it bad but I have known you for a long time. You are a kind person. You always help people in need, me, my friends, strangers. You always help people unconditionally but not this time, okay. Not this time. Whatever happens between them, don’t involve yourself in it. Promise me!”
That’s when I noticed something within his words. His straight and precise gaze was a mystery but my mind wandered around to the fact that Minhyuk said something ‘undeniably agree with my suspicion all this time’. I spoke my mind, not Minhyuk. “Whatever happens between them? So you know something happened between them? And you keep silent?”
His hands loosened up. His eyes were shaking as if I had discovered his secrets. Minhyuk flickered in surprise. He didn’t say words for a minute, tickling more of my curiosity. But he tried so hard to look normal and make sense. “Because it is not our business. It is their relationship and we don’t have right to meddle between them. So, promise me you won’t involve yourself in their problem.”
“I don’t understand why you need to do this. What are you trying to do, Minhyuk?”
“I just want you to be happy, Hyung. We have been together for a long time. You believe me, right?”
His reason made sense but it couldn’t change the fact that Minhyuk was knowing something although he was supposed to not know Kihyun in close. Minhyuk and his tangled words were digging my own sense.
Whatever Minhyuk said was evaporating in the air as soon as I saw Hoseok was fighting with Kihyun in the locker room. There was no one except me there, standing and hiding behind the curtains only to peek at their conversation. It was a coincidence. I didn’t know what I should feel, lucky or not, for witnessing that scene. Kihyun’s voice was shaking, I could feel he was nearly crying. It hurt so much in my heart as I heard it.
“You are changed, Hoseok. You don’t care about me anymore. You hurt me so badly!”
“Stop your acting. I am enough of your bullshit, Kihyun. You are crazy.”
“Crazy? You are the one who did this to me!”
“Me? Huh, Hyungwon is right. I shouldn’t pay attention to you. You are sick!”
That’s when I hid further behind the wall because Hoseok took brisk steps out of the locker room without any single care for his hurting and crying boyfriend. It was the first time I saw ‘The Kind Hoseok’ change into another person.
Kihyun was crying there, sobbing hard as if there was nothing left in his life. I felt pain. So much pain, listening to that. The lovely smile of Kihyun disappeared from the world and I was suffocating. I stepped inside while he was struggling hard to sweep his tears. I said nothing but stood in front of him, watching him being so pretty under the light of darkness.
He looked so thin, so stressed. He deserved the world. Why does it become like this? I kept asking myself that time without realizing misfortune was coming to my life. His crying figure made me forget everything. As our eyes met, a string was pulling me in when he gave himself to my embrace, letting out restrained feelings that he’d held all this time.
I knew it was not the thing I was supposed to do. What can I do, when seeing him like that?
My heart was pounding so hard when I felt his body within my hug.
I was a jerk.
I found myself walking beside him, letting my fingers free intertwined with him. I can’t call it a mistake anymore because it has become a sin.