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“Far away the sea sounds and ressounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.”
— Pablo Neruda
tae,
this is my letter to you, because i couldn’t do it any other way. i couldn’t write anything that wasn’t as personal and dedicated as a letter, with my name and your name written in it. i couldn’t write anything other than my own feelings pouring freely on this piece of paper with all the truth that lives in my heart.
tae. tae, tae, tae. i’ve tried to begin this more times than i feel comfortable counting. more times than i care to remember. the papers keep getting wet with my tears and the ink fades and it’s just a mess. kinda like me.
but don’t take me wrong, these are not sad tears. in fact they are impossibly bittersweet because you see, here i am, with my feelings so expanded that they occupy my entire room, shining so bright, smelling like you, and yet you’re so, so far away. and although i deeply believe my love could reach you anywhere in the entire world, i feel the urge to love you here. close to me. i feel the need to love you close.
you have no idea how nearly impossible it is to write this. it would be hard enough to write about you but it feels impossible to write about us, because it’s the most truthful feeling that lives inside of me every day. i wake up loving you, i go by my day loving you, i lay my head on my pillow at night loving you. it’s a living feeling that never stops beating and in each breath i love, i love and i love you non stop.
it’s so fucking pathetic the way i’m crying right now.
❦
about us pt. one
of when i saw you
“i’m going to pass out, jinnie, this is not a drill.”
“yoongi, stop shaking and get your shit together. c’mon man, you’ve got this!”
yoongi kept taking turns staring at google maps and the uber window in complete horror and desperation. he probably spent the entire forty-minute ride from his home all the way to downtown completely frozen to his spot, until he decided to call his best friend. now he can’t stop shaking for his life.
“i’m going back home, this is insane. i’m asking the driver to turn around.”
the middle-aged man with a funny mustache and square glasses looked at yoongi through the car’s mirror with concern.
“is everything okay, sir?”
“yeah, yeah! sorry, i don’t actually want you to turn around. sorry. i’m okay.”
the man didn’t seem convinced. yoongi can’t blame him, he sure looked terrified.
as the car got closer to the final destination, yoongi felt like he was dreaming. that couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t be . not after so long and with someone he felt was the one who knew him better than anyone else.
the taxi driver took a breath as he parked the car near the sidewalk. all yoongi could see were high buildings, beautiful trees and people walking their tiny dogs with colorful leashes.
and his own reflection on the window glass.
“okay, sir, we’re here.”
yoongi swallowed dry.
“jinnie, i gotta go. wish me luck”
“you’ll be fine, dummy. love you. don’t make anything i wouldn’t do”
“and that would be..?”
“not much. don’t do anything yourself wouldn’t do in normal days, then.”
“that would be easier if i wasn’t completely out of character here. anyway, gotta go.”
looking out of the window, he sees the back of a tall guy, apparently tugging his shirt. he seems nervous.
yoongi can relate to him, his own hands won’t stop shaking for his life. he turns himself to the driver again.
“thank you so much! have a nice day.”
“hey,” the man turns at the backseat as yoongi opens the door, his backpack in his arms. “good luck, kid.”
yoongi only manages to give the man a shy smile. he’s not sure he feels his body at all.
he’s about to do the scariest thing he’s done in his entire life.
as he walks towards the hotel’s entrance, incoherent thoughts run through his mind. but as he prepares himself and touches the boy’s shoulders to catch his attention, a sudden wave of calm embraces him.
taehyung looks at him and everything makes sense again.
“hey.”
taehyung’s smile reaches his eyes and yoongi knows he’s in trouble.
“hi.”
❦
i love the fact we have no good pictures from the first time we saw each other after years. it feels right to have only about 5 pictures of wine glasses, the paintings on the hotel’s room and blurry smiley faces.
it’s only ours and no one else’s. the moments, i mean. every single second i got to spend next to you after so long was absolutely perfect just the way it was.
i honestly still wonder if the time i spent with you in that apartment wasn’t more than a hopeful dream. but that’s how i always feel when i’m with you, like i live in a dream. so it must have been true, right?
tae.
you’re my best friend. you’re my person, you’re my love, you’re the nice scent i smell when i wake up in the morning, with your dog by my feet and your face close to mine. you’re all those things when you’re the first person i want to see in the morning and the last voice i want to hear wishing sweet dreams to me.
i want to look at you every day for the rest of my life.
❦
about us pt. 2
of when i felt you
they were laying in bed staring at each other and no one else existed.
in that moment yoongi could swear all the love in the world lived inside of him, and it had an urge so devastating it made him cry. the urge to keep expanding, as it was even possible.
even though yoongi was completely silent, the air felt heavy with waves of unsaid tender words, floating around them, burning, caressing. too warm and too sweet.
all of the sudden, taehyung took yoongi’s hand and placed on his right cheek, his eyes closed and hair falling on his forehead. he took his hand as if he was saying
touch me. i want to feel it. don’t keep it to yourself, i want to feel everything.
so yoongi placed his other hand on his left cheek and brought taehyung’s face closer to his, and kissed him.
and the world suddenly took a breath.
❦
you’re so easy to talk to.
you could become friends with anyone you wanted, in the entire world. and i love the fact that you chose me. i feel so lucky i get to see so many personas of yourself everyday. you’re remarkable, kim taehyung.
i see all the times you stick around me because you want to feel safe and you want to make me feel safe too. i know safety is an important thing for both of us, it’s almost like a quiet settlement. you keep me safe and i’ll keep you safe. we’ve always had that.
but as safe as one side of you wishes to feel, another part of you is dangerously carefree. and i love that about you.
tae. you make me feel so, so loved. but not only that. sometimes you make me feel like i deserve it.
you, being the person that you are, so full of life, and truth, brightness and love, whispering tenderly i’m a mix of all the good things in the world and that i deserve all of them. if you can see all that on me, maybe i do have some good things to put out there. maybe i am good. maybe i am kind. maybe i do deserve some love, even just a tiny bit.
maybe someday i’ll truly believe all that on my own.
but thank you for keep telling me.
❦
about us pt. 3
of when i felt home
“all the things i love the most in the world are right here.”
yoongi felt there was something special a about that particular day. he can always tell when a memory is being fabricated, an image on his mind so real it’s almost touchable. he can remember the smell, the lighting, the feeling. and he keeps it safe on the back of his mind. he treats memories like fragil treasures.
“and those would be?”
yoongi questioned taehyung as he released the air that filled his lungs. the room was peaceful as the two boys were laying in bed, loving each other quietly with the tips of their fingers and eye looks.
“you, my dog and my room.”
taehyung answered as he got up in a quick motion to catch yeontan, who was trying to leave the bed. the poor animal never stood a chance.
“yeah?”
“yeah.”
yoongi smiled lazily. he knew taehyung means what he says.
the truth is, that night, like all the others, didn’t have anything utterly special about it. the wind blew as usual. the moon was high up in the sky and the rain fell poorly. yeontan fell asleep between them and the room was silent.
and as all things were exactly where they should be, yoongi was taehyung’s and taehyung was his.
not because they belong to each other, but because it feels right to exist in the other’s presence. they are each other’s because there’s no better place in the world for yoongi to be than next to taehyung, and there’s no other place taehyung would rather be than next to yoongi.
the world, by then, just kept breathing peacefully.
❦
my sweet tae.
you’re far from perfect and so am i, i don’t believe in such a thing. but i believe in remarkable encounters and i don’t take them for granted.
i believe you and i have something special, don’t you?
isn’t it special when you’re the person i see myself with for years and years to come? when my idea of safety is laying down next to you after an exhausting day? when the first thing i want to do in the morning is to watch you wake up, and see the look in your face when you realize we’re in the same bed? isn’t it special?
i could call it special because you’re not just an idea inside of my head. you’re flesh and blood right next to me, and that’s magical.
we’re in a place where the love we feel isn’t scary anymore, which by itself, it’s frightening. but i won’t let it consume me, because i’d never allow myself to run away from you. run from what we have for being scared. i’d never forgive me for it.
❦
about us pt. 4
of when you loved me
“why are you crying?”
“i just love you so much you don’t understand.”
yoongi laughed quietly. taehyung was beyond wasted.
“i love you too, baby, and i do understand.”
“no, you don’t.”
yoongi heard sniffs through the phone and it hurt physically not being able to hug taehyung at that moment.
“yeah? how much is it, then?”
“a lot.”
yoongi can’t help but smile. it was sweet.
“i love you so much it doesn’t fit inside of me and i want to express it but i don’t know how.”
more sniffs and a choked voice from the other side of the line. taehyung sounded almost frustrated.
yoongi understood how he felt. sometimes he felt so much inside of him he didn’t know what to do with it, how to show it, or how to let it out. it feels impossible sometimes, to describe such intense, soft sentiments.
“it’s okay, baby, really, i know.”
“b-but. how can you know?”
how could i know?
i know because i see you. i look at you and i see you.
it was always easy for yoongi to express made up feelings. he’d open his notebook and write stories about people falling in love and how that felt. he’d write love felt like hearing your favorite song for the first time, or that it felt like the colour yellow, or like a lightning striking the earth.
but when he was the one who fell in love, he saw himself without the one thing he thought would never abandon him. he saw himself without words.
“‘cause i feel it, tae. i swear. it’s okay.”
yoongi could hear taehyung starting to breathe slower, as is trying to calm himself and stop crying.
“i still don’t think you know how much i love you”
“you’ll have to show me, then.”
after that, yoongi kept talking taehyung to sleep. he knows taehyung likes his voice and he likes to talk freely.
that’s one of yoongi’s biggest secrets. he actually loves talking, but he specially loves it when taehyung is the one who’s listening.
the world shut his eyes again as the rain kept falling outside. they knew the boys would be just fine.
yoongi was home.
❦
it’s crazy for me to think you’re with me, did you know that? how come a person like you love me?
you only get to think i’m a mix of the kindest things in the world because you are full of kindness. you’re filled with pretty shiny things and you glow so, so bright. it’s beautiful to see you just be.
i look at your eyes and i look at your smile and i all i see is that obfuscating light i remember from the first time i saw you.
no piece of art could ever make you justice, kim taehyung. people can’t capture all of you in a canvas or a picture or even a poem. the only possible material to represent you on paper would be pure sunlight, shining so bright but pleasantly warm. a ray of sun relentlessly burning the paper as you smile.
thank you for loving me. it feels like i’m near a fireplace with my favorite blanket wrapping my shoulders all of the time. a tiny piece of heaven on earth.
thank you for being real and allowing me to love you as much as i do.
you know me so you know it’s true when i say i believe in deep connections beyond our understanding. i believe connections are what makes us who we are. sometimes we forge weak, fragile ones. sometimes we built some against all odds hoping it won’t break, but they have an expiration date written all over them. sometimes we hold onto strong ones, but time is our enemy. sometimes we choose not to make one because we know what always happens to them, right?
we know it’ll break, or fade, or just won’t hold.
but i’m thankful i held your hand when you offered.
i’m glad we have the same views on things that truly matter, and disagree on the ones that don’t matter that much. that's what makes our dynamic my favorite thing about us.
tae. thank you for being there for me when we were apart, you were one of the only few people i really felt like talking during the hard times i went through, and that means a lot. usually being social takes all my energy away, but not with you, never with you. you always gave me strength with your silly jokes and kind words. i can tell when someone actually cares, and you did. you still do.
❦
about them
looking down from above, two boys were seated face to face in high stools, a kitchen countertop between them. they had full wine glasses and hard-beating overflowing hearts.
“i feel like i can talk to you about anything.”
the boy with cat-like eyes confessed, whispering as if his words were full of secrets.
however, the universe knew they weren’t secrets at all, but something so special it didn’t feel right to present in any other way than a soft-spoken sugarcoated voice.
the boy felt like he was carrying a treasure as he presented it to the boy in front of him, because it belonged to them both.
the boy with long fingers and curvy brown hair covering his forehead placed his hand under his chin, and stared.
“i feel just the same.”
“but.. it’s more than that, tae. i feel like i can talk to you about anything but it’s more than that and i can’t explain it.”
taehyung’s head fell a little to the side as he smirked.
“i understand.”
the boys knew some things were better left unsaid. sometimes they just looked at each other and they knew. there were no words, they just knew.
the tiny dog jumped on taehyung’s lap, and as he was petting yeontan the boy whispered:
“you wanna know another secret?”
the wind blew outside and the stars were shining bright in a cloudless night.
“when i think about us sharing the same bed every night, i feel like there’s glitter inside of my body and a million small rays of light suddenly show.”
the boy with a black beanie disassembled completely.
“most people would say they feel butterflies but that’s just another level.”
“of being gay?”
“yeah.”
the boys smiled and their eyes were shining.
“can i take your picture?”
taehyung asked and he grabbed the phone from his pocket and opened the camera app. yoongi didn’t even had the time to answer.
“no.”
the boy looked up with a pout on his lips and eyes too big, the face expression that he knows will get him anything he wants.
“why? just one! please please please yoongi pleas-”
"whatever, fine.”
taehyung smiled as a low-pitched almost imperceptible yesss left his mouth. he took at least five pictures of yoongi until he got annoyed, but not before he got a smiling one among those for making him laugh with a silly joke.
“you’re so annoying.”
“you love me deeply.”
yoongi just rolled his eyes.
after another glass of wine and the same conversations they had over a million times but never got tired of, the boys went to bed.
they had just moved in together and that was the first night they’d spend in their new apartment. everything was strangely new and painfully familiar at the same time.
that night they loved each other quietly but also loudly. carefully but carefree, softly but with passion. they fell asleep with alcohol still in their system and the city sounds coming from outside of the window, facing each other with their bodies tangled under the covers.
one single cloud began pouring and yoongi smiled in his sleep. it is known the boy loves the sound of rain, so he had everything he loved the most in that room.
they both dreamed of falling in love, which came in very distinct scenes to each of them since the moment they closed their eyes, but the feeling was mutual.
the feeling was always mutual.
they felt the same as the rain that poured and the few stars that sparkled like glitter.
❦
although we are apart today and i miss you so much i can physically feel your absence, i still feel like i can reach you. is that what love is? feeling like you never really leave my side? like you never really let go of my hand?
if so, i hope it never goes away. if it’s up to me, your presence will only bloom vastier and greater day by day.
happy one year anniversary, love.
yours forever,
min yoongi.