Chapter Text
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SECOND CHRISTMAS
CMBYN5 : PREQUEL - BROKEN
December 1984
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□ Oliver:
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Dearest Elio:
Last year, I was all set to hop a plane and see you. I wanted to see you.
Instead I stayed home and broke your heart long distance.
And my heart broke too.
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It broke when you first answered my call. When I blurted out the news. When I told you you were so lucky your parents would love you. Who you wanted to be.
I wanted to have your family. I wanted to be in your shoes and have parents who would love me that way.
NO MATTER WHAT.
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My heart broke when you said your name. Elio, Elio, Elio, Elio, Elio
And I finally breathed mine. Ol-iv-er.
It broke when I realized that what we had WAS REAL and not some silly infatuation that existed only in your mind. It broke when I admitted to myself that it wasn't just you - it was me as well.
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Instead it happened differently, not what you were expecting. And I'm so sorry for that. I really am, because I didn't do what's right, for you, for me, for us.
And I've come to realize it was a really shitty thing to do; that I was such an asshole because I told you on the fucking telephone.
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The plan was to visit you and your parents over Christmas; your family is so inclusive, welcoming whoever shows up on their doorstep.
My family are not welcoming and definitely do not do Christmases.
My fiancee doesn't either.
Working at a university that did festivities, there were partys involved and we were invited to so many of them.
But at that Christmastime I thought only of you as I held her in my arms, dancing to silly songs.
I was thinking us, thinking of Bergamo, thinking of you.
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I cancelled my trip at the last minute. I would not have left her alone to travel at that time of year. And including her in your parent's invitation without warning wouldn't have been an option. It was just a really bad idea.
I would never set out to hurt you in any way.
But I did.
I blindsided you in the worst way possible.
And I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that.
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You answered the phone so quickly, as if you've been anticipating my call.
"Elio." I was ready to back out immediately. Saying your name was excruciatingly hard.
Doing this was fucking hard.
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I wondered if what I was doing, what I was telling you, was right. It was right for me at the time. But saying that doesn't change a fucking thing.
I tell myself that every day.
Every day before I called and hurt you. And every day since.
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But I'm going to make it right. This Christmas I'm doing it right.
Because you found it in your heart to forgive me enough to try and challenge destiny.
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I turn off the lights and close the door to the small room across the hall.
My child's room.
My baby, my son, who I will love because he is of me. And because he is of me, I am also of him.
New.
And within this newness, all the possibilities of the world are before him just waiting to be experienced.
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The lights dimmed, I sit on my bed to think, to plan. It's eerily quiet as I now live alone. And dear Elio, I have so much to tell you.
I want you to know I'm travelling to see you because I want to, because I need it, because what I did last year was wrong. Wrong for me, my family, your family, you.
I feel that I broke everything.
And I want to stop this breaking.
I want to see your face and hold you and tell you all the things that have remained in my heart and hope you still feel those things too.
Love, Oliver
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FIN - SECOND CHRISTMAS Prequel
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Next up .. 🎄🎄 Second Christmas - FIRST NIGHT
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CMBYN SERIES SO FAR:
■■HURT
✍️ Letters to Oliver
💙 BLUE
🍁 FALL
🌲FIRST CHRISTMAS
🎄🎄 Second Christmas
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