Archive of Our Own

It was the first day of the first semester of freshman year when Jeno first saw Renjun. A guy slightly smaller than him with black hair and a thin frame. He had that blank expression on his face as if he was permanently uninterested about everything.  He was standing alone in the middle of the auditorium, looking at the map posted on the board. He was probably lost, just like Jeno. Just like a hundred other freshmen.

Wading through the crowd and standing beside Renjun to look at the map, that’s when he first saw him up close. He was very pretty for a man, and Jeno wasn’t the type to find men pretty. At least not yet. But that was the beginning.

No sparks. No slow motions. No fireworks.

Just a fleeting look and a single eye contact when Renjun turned and their eyes briefly met. That’s it. 

— — 

“Hey, Jeno! I heard from the bartender that many girls are waiting for you outside to get your number. Should I let them in?” Mark asked when he entered the dressing room.

“There’s a long line outside. I don't think everyone will fit in this small box,” Jaemin replied.

Jeno was wiping off his makeup in front of the mirror. “I’ll use the back door to get out of here. I’m too exhausted to deal with anyone.”

His fingers hurt from playing the electric guitar for five consecutive nights and he barely got any wink of sleep within those five days. It didn’t help that the deadline for his project was approaching and he hadn’t started a single thing.

Jeno was a part of a famous band named 119 . He was the guitarist, Chenle was the keyboardist, Jaemin was the drummer, and Mark, the vocalist. They were all good-looking, charismatic, and talented which was why their band blew up. However, no agency had asked them to sign yet, but it was fine. Music was just their hobby anyway.

“There’s an after party in my house after this, are you sure you’re not going, Jeno?” Chenle asked Jeno.

“I really can’t. I have a lot to do.”

“I told you to prioritize your studies, didn’t I? If your parents find out you’re flunking your major, they will force you to stop making music forever,” Mark reminded him.

“I know, I know, that’s why I need to go. Tell the girls outside something came up. Make up a believable excuse.”

“I’ll tell them you got run over by a truck,” Jaemin suggested.

“Or mauled by a chihuahua,” Chenle said.

“Whatever, just make it believable. I need to go! Bye!”

Jeno sneaked out through the back door and went to his car parked at the garage. He heaved a deep sigh before starting the engine. The night was exhausting, but it was fun. He always felt like himself whenever he was on stage playing the guitar while singing the songs they wrote and the crowd was cheering for them. He loved being the star. University just had to pull him back to reality that he was a college student who was currently at risk of failing his major.

“Let’s go home, Jeno,” Jeno told himself and drove home. It only took a short while for him to arrive at his apartment. He promised to himself that he would finish the first part tonight, but after taking a shower, he fell asleep like a log.

“119 was on fire last night!” Haechan raved at Renjun as he scrolled through his phone.

“Keep your voice down if you don’t want to get kicked out,” Renjun reprimanded his best friend. They were at the library, supposed to be studying for an upcoming long quiz. As usual, Haechan was too talkative and had the attention span of a goldfish to even focus. Renjun realized that there’s no use in telling Haechan off so he let him be. He was going to pass anyway because he’s smart.

“It’s really such a waste you didn’t come with me. The department had a blast last night and Mark looks so hot!”

There he was again, babbling about the band vocalist who probably had never seen Haechan before. Renjun told Haechan it was a bad idea to like someone so popular, but it was too late. Haechan already fell in love with the said person. Renjun doubted they even talked at all. He had no idea what happened behind closed doors when it’s just them but of course, Haechan would never tell him that.

“Hmm,” Renjun hummed half-heartedly. Then, Haechan shook his left arm and whined.

“You’re missing out a lot! You should come with us even just for one time. I promise it won’t kill you and you won’t fail your classes. Come on, Renjun. You’re a genius!”

Pushing his glasses up, Renjun faced Haechan. “I’m not worried about failing or being distracted. What you consider fun is a nuisance to me. I hate huge crowds and loud places and I will probably just stay in the corner the whole time. I will only ruin the mood.”

“You won’t! Everyone’s having fun, they wouldn’t notice! Besides, we’re already in our last year in college and you haven’t made friends apart from me or even entered a relationship after the one you had when we were first years. You have to enjoy life to the fullest while you’re still young!”

Enjoy life to the fullest? But Renjun enjoyed what he’s doing. It’s not his fault that he preferred a small circle of friends and being in a romantic relationship was the least of his priority. He wasn’t attracted to anyone and nobody piqued his interest. Maybe there’s one, but it only lasted for a week because Renjun learned that the guy was a complete airhead. Yes, Renjun liked men. And he was open about his sexuality. Haechan couldn’t count how many guys had attempted to woo Renjun only for them to be rejected right off the bat.

“Can you just leave me alone if you’re going to talk nonstop? I have lessons I need to read in advance. If you know what’s good for you, open your book and study.”

“I’ll set you up on a blind date. You’re getting cranky.”

“Don’t you even dare.”

— — 

“Mr. Lee, if you want to pass my class, you have to do better than this,” Mr. Moon Taeil told Jeno after reading the first draft of the project he submitted. He typed it at 3 AM and his brain was barely functioning. He thought it would suffice, but he overestimated himself.

“I’m sorry, Professor.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scolding you. I’m asking you to do better than this. I know you have a busy life outside university. You’re a band member, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I understand that it can get really hectic but you have to sort out your priorities. Balance your life, Mr. Lee. I know you have a bright future ahead of you,  but you have to do better than what you gave to me.”

Jeno’s shoulders dropped in disappointment. There’s nothing much he could do at this point. 

Should I just give up?

After Mr. Moon dismissed Jeno, he went straight to the cafeteria where his friends were waiting.

Wherever Jeno went, curious stares followed him. He just stood out so easily among the crowd, not like a sore thumb kind of way but more like a prince in a sea of peasants, but that’s reaching too far. Though he really looked like a prince. And he was tall.

Jeno immediately spotted his friends, who — just like him — looked pretty beat from last night’s event.

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” Jeno apologized as he tossed his bag on the chair. “Mr. Moon talked to me after class.”

“How’s the draft?” Jaemin asked.

“It was shit. I typed it earlier when I could barely open my eyes. He told me that if I want to pass, I have to do better. The problem is, that’s the best I got.” Jeno ran a hand through his dark brown hair. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Mark, who was sitting across from Jeno, took a look at the cover of Jeno’s draft and an idea instantly clicked inside his head. “Wait, I know a friend of a friend who is good at this subject!”

“I don’t understand what a friend of a friend means,,” Chenle said lazily.

“Haechan’s friend. He’s a genius in their department. Bagging awards after awards. What is his name again?” Mark racked his brain trying to remember the name of Haechan’s friend when Jeno raised his head and answered his question for him.

“Huang Renjun.”

Mark clapped happily. “Yes! That’s him! Wait—how did you know?”

“Haechan and I are in the same department, have you forgotten? We just happened to be in a different block.”

“It’s settled then,” Jaemin said. “Mark will contact his friend and that friend will tell Renjun that you need his help.” He gave emphasis to the word ‘friend’ because Mark was still lying about their relationship. He’s just so bad at lying he looked pathetic.

“I’m too embarrassed. We never got the chance to talk before,” Jeno said.

“I thought you’re friends with everyone in your department?” Chenle asked.

How could Jeno be friends with someone who never even paid attention to him?

“It doesn’t matter. Your priority here is submitting a decent project, not to be Mr. Congeniality and Renjun is the only person that can help you with that. I’ll tell Haechan to tell Renjun that you need his help. You better pay him a good amount, I heard he never does anything for free.”

“I don’t mind paying. I’m desperate.”

“Alright, it’s settled then. I’ll inform you once Renjun agrees.”

— — 

Renjun was listening to a podcast with his eyes closed when he felt someone tug his arm. He wasn’t surprised to see Haechan smiling down at him. Renjun might not say it out loud but one of the things he liked about Haechan was his smile. It was so warm it felt like a personal sun. Up to this day, he still wondered how and why he was adopted by this extrovert.

“You’re odd,” Haechan blurted out. Renjun’s brows furrowed.

“Are you picking a fight with me?” Renjun asked.

Haechan sat beside him on the bench and clenched his teeth. “Everyone was looking for some place warm since it’s cold yet you chose to sit on a freaking stone bench. Are you numb? It’s freezing out here.”

“I hate the crowd.”

“Stop trying to be a main character. You’ll die of pneumonia before your Prince charming could even save you.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“I can’t even feel my hands from the cold.”

“I’ll cut them off so you won’t feel them forever.”

Haechan rolled his eyes exasperatedly before turning to his best friend. “Someone wants—no— desperately needs your help. Like, life-and-death kind of desperate .”

“No,” Renjun replied.

“But you haven’t even heard about it!”

“I don’t need to. I’m not interested.”

“It’s a friend of a friend.”

“Do I look like I care about your friend’s friend?”

Renjun stood up, collected his stuff, and left the bench. He was sure Haechan was following him and he wasn’t wrong. They entered the hall and the faint chatter and warm air instantly hit them.

“It’s Mark’s friend from our department. He’s flunking this major subject and he needs you to help him with his project. This means a lot to him. It’s his dream to be a musician but his parents didn’t want to. He had to make a deal with them that he was going to continue to be a part of the band as long as he wouldn’t fail his classes.”

Renjun stopped walking and faced Haechan, who almost bumped into him. “Look, no sob story can make me change my mind. It’s not my fault that he couldn’t manage his time and he was on the verge of losing his dream.”

“Why are you so heartless?” Haechan exclaimed. “It’s not like he’s not going to pay you.”

“Why didn’t you say so?”

All that Haechan could do was roll his eyes heavenwards and prevent the urge to punch his best friend’s face.

“You’re insufferable.”

“I’m practical,”

— — 

It was the first week of August, Renjun could still remember. He remembered how exhausted he was from his club activities and there’s this one irresponsible senior who made the new club members do his job.. He was obviously abusing his power as a senior and since they’re freshmen, they couldn’t talk back. Renjun hated it so much.

But what he hated more was the person responsible for what’s about to happen to him. He just got back from the printing station and was on his way to return to their club room when a group of squealing girls bumped into him. Renjun lost his footing and fell, all the printed flyers flew and scattered on the floor and were stepped on by the girls. Nobody cared about him or bothered helping him up.

And it was because of one person.

“Jeno? For real, Jeno is here? Where is he?”

“He looks so dreamy playing that guitar. I can already imagine my future with him.”

“His legs are so long I bet he can choke me real good with those.”

Jeno Lee, the guitarist of 119 who possessed insanely good looks and deep voice. Everyone was going crazy for him and him and his bandmates were always the talk of the campus.

I bet all that attention he got made him conceited.

Renjun gritted his teeth and picked up the scattered flyers. Some of them even had shoe prints from being trampled on. He didn’t have enough time to print another set because this was due this afternoon and his senior asked him to do it for him only an hour ago.

Fuck my life , he muttered in his mind. Whatever happens, it’s not my fault. It was Jeno’s fault.

— — 

Wednesday afternoon when Renjun agreed to meet Jeno in a cafe near their university to talk about the terms and conditions about his project. Renjun was fifteen minutes early, which was why he had the time to reminisce about the past. He never talked to Jeno for that reason even though they belong to the same department. To Renjun, Jeno was an arrogant bastard who was a celebrity wannabe and he absolutely loved the attention. He was a snob and had no regard for the people around him.

Renjun was wondering right now why he agreed to help Jeno with this project. It was good that he was failing, at least he could focus on being a band member now. He wasn’t moved by his story either. Hell, everyone had made sacrifices at some point in their lives. He was nothing special.

The bell chimed when the door of the cafe opened and Renjun immediately looked up to find Jeno in a deep blue turtleneck and black pants entering the cafe. He greeted the guard with a smile and searched the cafe for a certain person. His eyes stopped when they landed on Renjun. He gave him a small smile before walking to where he was sitting.

Renjun took a nervous sip of his drink as he watched Jeno’s long legs take long strides to his direction. It was like watching a model on a runway. Damn, he couldn’t deny, Jeno was really good-looking. His face was made for the magazine and it’s a shame he’s not an actor right now. He would easily dominate the industry.

Imagine living and breathing while looking like that?

“Hi, I’m Lee Jeno,” Jeno introduced himself and extended his hand.

Renjun reached out and clasped Jeno’s hand, giving it a firm squeeze. “Huang Renjun.” Jeno’s hand was warm despite the freezing cold and its roughness felt nice.

Jeno took the seat across from Renjun and gave him an enthusiastic smile. “I planned on going here early because I didn’t want to make you wait. I didn’t expect you to be here earlier than me.”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t wait for that long.”

“Do you want anything aside from your drink? I’ll pay for it.”

“Anything would be fine. Thanks.”

Jeno nodded and went to the counter. He seemed to be oblivious of the attention he was getting just by being there in the cafe. Renjun even saw a couple of people snap a picture of him and were asking among themselves if he’s an idol or an actor. Even when he came back after ordering, his eyes were only fixated on Renjun.

Was he really unaware or was he secretly enjoying the attention? Renjun asked himself. He hated how calculating he was right now. How he’s so desperate to look for a crack in his mask when that wasn’t the reason why they were there.

“This is the first time that we’ll talk,” Jeno said after sipping his coffee.

“Yeah,” Renjun answered half-heartedly and took a bite of the cheesecake Jeno ordered for him.

“You’re quiet and intimidating so I never really got the courage to approach you.”

Renjun was surprised at the sudden confession that he didn’t notice he was looking at Jeno with wide eyes. Jeno realized what he just said and immediately muttered an apology.

“I’m sorry, I always say what I think. I just don’t want people to misunderstand me and I think it helps to build connections with people when you’re honest.”

Honest or blunt? Renjun thought to himself. Can I be honest as well? I think you’re a douche.

Renjun cleared his throat and clasped his hands on the table. “I have heard from Haechan that you need my help on this project and it means a lot to you because your… whatever that is… is at risk. And you’re willing to pay.”

Jeno nodded eagerly. “Yes, that’s right.”

“Well then, we will discuss our meeting days and how much you’ll pay me per hour. Deal?”

“Deal.”

They decided to meet each other every Wednesday and Saturday since those were Renjun’s free days and Jeno didn’t complain. Also, the rate they had agreed upon was also quite high but Jeno, yet again, didn’t say anything. He was just too ecstatic by the fact that the smartest student in their department agreed to help him which increased his chance of passing his subject. They also exchanged numbers so they could contact each other. Renjun was pretty strict about it. He gave Jeno a schedule on when he was allowed to call him. After that, they parted ways.

Renjun breathed a sigh of relief when he reached his studio apartment. He shed off his clothes and took a long, warm bath.

“Lee Jeno…” he muttered out of the blue. “What am I thinking?”

— — 

“So, how did it go?” Jaemin asked Jeno when he plopped on his bed after showering. He was surprised to find his best friend in his bedroom. Jaemin always acted as if he owned Jeno’s apartment. They had been friends since diaper days and they practically knew everything about each other.

“He’s pretty strict.”

“He’s pretty? I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, he is. But he’s also strict.”

Jaemin smacked Jeno’s face with a pillow. There was a mischievous grin on his face that Jeno had no idea what for. “You, dumbass. Didn’t even deny it.”

“I mean, it’s true. But I wasn’t checking him out or anything. I was listening intently to what he was saying. Like I said, he’s kinda strict. He has a lot of rules I must abide by and I must never attempt to disturb him on his rest days or disrupt him while he’s talking. I’m sure I can manage. It’s not like I’m going to need his help 24/7.”

“You have to give your best shot this time, Jeno. No half-assing.”

“No half-assing,” Jeno repeated, but he sounded like he was convincing himself.

— — 

Their first meeting was in the same cafe, same seat. Renjun cupped his chin and propped his elbow on the table as he watched the people passing by. It was getting colder now and he could feel that winter was coming, and that’s when he felt alone the most. There was a sinking feeling inside his chest that he was too afraid to acknowledge. He loved being alone so what’s the matter now? What’s so sad about seeing other people excited for the holidays knowing they would spend it with their loved ones?

His chest tightened when he saw a small family of three passing by outside the cafe. The child was happily telling a story while hugging a huge stuffed toy and his parents were listening to him intently with proud expressions on their faces.

He never once cared about gifts, celebrations, or anything that most people did. But why… why was there a part of him that wished he was happy too?

Do I really love being alone or that’s just what I am used to?

Renjun’s phone vibrated. There was a message from Jeno.

Jeno (Project) : I’m sorry, Renjun. I think I’ll be late. Something came up. If by five-thirty, I’m still not there, you can go home. I’m really sorry.

Renjun clicked his tongue in annoyance. He didn’t come all the way to the cafe and almost cried just for Jeno to stand him up. Well, he sent a message at least but if there’s one thing Renjun hated, it’s when his time was being wasted.

Still, he decided to stay for a little while until he finished his order and collected his stuff.

He pulled the door open and stepped out of the cold streets when he bumped into a tall figure. He would’ve fell on the cement floor due to the strong impact if it weren’t for the strong arm that was wrapped securely around his waist to keep him from falling. When Renjun looked up, he saw Jeno’s untamed hair and a noticeable scrape on his chin. Renjun pulled away from Jeno, suddenly being aware of their close proximity.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Jeno said but he winced in pain when he moved his arm. That’s when Renjun noticed disheveled state. His clothes were wrinkled and there were even mud stains all over his jeans. There he noticed the torn part of Jeno’s jeans, his right knee was bleeding.

“What the hell happened to you?” Renjun asked and pointed at the wound. Jeno followed where he was pointing and simply laughed.

“I helped an old woman on my way here. Some asshole stole her bag containing the money she’s about to send to her granddaughter. I chased after the robber and got injured while trying to restrain him. I was late because we were escorted to the police station. But it’s all settled now.”

Jeno was telling the story of a dangerous encounter as if it was the most normal thing to happen to a person. Renjun couldn’t believe that something like that actually happened to Jeno. He went his way to help the old woman and got injured in the process.

Is this the person with no regard for other people or am I just prejudiced?

“Let’s go inside, it’s freezing out here—”

“No,” Renjun said firmly.

“Are you mad?” Jeno asked cautiously. HIs shoulders dropped and he bowed his head low. “Sorry for causing trouble.”

Jeno was acting like a puppy who accidentally got kicked and he was so different from the Jeno that Renjun had in his imagination. The cold, emotionless, and selfish persona seemed to fit him so much but he was actually far from that.

“Let’s go to my apartment. I’ll treat your wound.”

Renjun didn’t wait for Jeno and walked away first. Jeno was relieved that Renjun wasn’t mad at him so he ran after him though he struggled a lot since his body ached all over. When they reached Renjun’s apartment, Jeno was waiting eagerly behind him. Renjun couldn’t help but actually find his reaction cute, especially when he opened the door of his studio apartment and invited Jeno in.

For the past four years that Renjun lived in that apartment, he decorated it according to his aesthetic and made sure that everyone he would invite over would be impressed. It was all worth his effort when he saw Jeno’s twinkling eyes, trying to take in everything.

“This is the strangest room I have ever seen,” Jeno commented.

It felt as if a boulder dropped on Renjun’s head after hearing the comment.

“Strange?” he asked, offended.

“Strange, but in a good way.” When Jeno faced Renjun, he saw his fuming red face ready to pounce at him. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it like that. It was really amazing! I was fascinated, I thought you couldn’t keep plants inside the house. And… it’s so organized and colorful and bright and… um… I’m sorry I’m really bad at words. I’m so sorry.”

While Jeno was blabbering, Renjun couldn’t help but stare at him. This was a side of him he had never seen before, and how could he when they never even talked? Still, seeing Jeno like this made him more… human. He wasn’t the flawless and perfect person everyone was making him out to be.

A hand on Jeno’s shoulder made him stop talking. For the first time in four years, Renjun smiled at him.

“Thank you,” Renjun said.

The effect of the adrenaline must not have worn off yet because Jeno’s heart raced inside his chest like he was being chased by criminals and he had nowhere to hide. Renjun’s smile was probably one of the prettiest things he had ever seen, excluding Renjun himself since that’s another one.

Renjun disappeared in the bathroom to get his first aid kit. Jeno thought it would be too rude to roam around Renjun’s apartment so he sat on a chair and busied himself looking around the house. The space was limited but Renjun maximized what he had and turned it into something functional. The smell of vanilla wafted all over the apartment and Jeno felt his eyelids slightly growing heavy.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep. We still have to treat your wounds or you’ll get an infection,” Renjun said and sat across from Jeno.

That shook Jeno up. “Infection? I don’t want to get an infection. I don’t want to die!”

“That’s why we need to clean your wound. Don’t move around too much or I’ll smack you.”

Jeno had no idea what Renjun was doing since he never did first aid but he sat still like what Renjun told him.

“Don’t be so rigid, I’m not going to bite your head off,” Renjun told him and pressed the cotton with something Jeno couldn’t name, and he almost jumped from his seat because it stung.

“Why does it have to hurt?” Jeno whined.

“It’s sterilizing your wounds. Now sit properly because we have more to clean.”

After Jeno was patched up nice and good, Renjun prepared tea and cookies for them. He placed it on the table and Jeno was so mesmerized by the flower-shaped cookies.

“They look so cute. I don’t want to eat them,” Jeno said and placed the cookie back on the plate.

“Why not? It would be a waste if you don’t eat it,” Renjun replied.

“But they’re cute.”

“I made them so we can eat them. Go on, have a bite.”

Jeno had no other choice when Renjun shoved a piece inside his mouth. The cookie melted on his tongue and the explosion of sweetness filled his taste buds. His eyes widened and gave Renjun a thumbs up.

“You’re literally good at everything! You should start a bakery, Renjun! This is the tastiest cookie I ever had!”

A blush crept on Renjun’s cheeks at the sudden shower of compliments. He was usually praised for his wits, which was old news. But never for other things. He never bothered showing it to others anyway.

But getting a compliment from someone like Jeno was a different story. Renjun thought, perhaps he was too mean to think that Jeno was selfish and indifferent. Jeno was full of surprises and Renjun wanted to see more.

“To be honest, I never thought that a day would come when we would talk like this. It just feels so surreal to me. I mean, I always see you on campus but we never really said a word to each other,” Jeno said.

“Me, too. Who would’ve thought?”

“You were like a celebrity to me.”

This made Renjun laugh. Jeno stopped what he was doing and looked at Renjun’s laughing face as if time had stopped.

“Isn’t it the other way around? You’re famous, Jeno Lee. Everyone knows who you are.”

“S-Same goes to you. Your face is all over our campus. You always bring honor to our university whenever you participate in competitions. I have always looked up to you.”

Renjun was speechless.

“Remember when you stood up against our senior when we were freshmen? Everyone was so amazed by you, including me! I saw it with my own two eyes when you slapped him with flyers.”

It was the same moment when Renjun almost got trampled on because of Jeno. It was the same senior and club member who always passed his task to his juniors. Renjun was in a really bad mood when he was approached by his senior.

“Hey, Renjun! Where are the flyers I asked you to print out? Didn’t I tell you to submit it as soon as possible?”

All the screaming and insults drove Renjun mad and before he knew it, flyers littered all over. His senior’s stunned face was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. The words that came out of his mouth were the words he only said inside his head but never out loud.

Another thing that Renjun hated was when someone overstepped their boundaries.

“Next time, do your own tasks and not pass it to anyone, asshole. I don’t care if you’re my senior. I have had enough of your stupid bullshit. You are abusing your power and expecting us to follow your order like we’re goddamn sheeps. The council will hear from this.” And with that, Renjun turned his back but before leaving, he faced his senior one last time with a smirk on his face. “I hope the professor in charge chews you out.”

Jeno was part of the crowd when that happened, and that scene made him feel like he was watching a movie in real life. He was amazed by Renjun’s courage for refusing to be pushed around. That was something he couldn’t do.

“You were really cool,” Jeno admitted.

“Am I not cool anymore?” Renjun asked.

“Sorry! I mean… you still are… but, you know I—”

Jeno was surprised when Renjun laughed at him.

“You’re too tense. Ease up a bit. It’s not like I’m going to beat you up or anything.”

Jeno smiled at that.

They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening sharing stories about the past over cups of tea and plates of cookies. The project was temporarily forgotten and both of them had a good time chatting with each other.

When it was time to go, Renjun walked Jeno to the bus stop and waved him goodbye. They were much more casual now compared to the first time they met each other and Jeno loved the flow of events. He leaned on the glass window and watched the scenery outside fade into blur.

Jeno didn’t tell the whole story to Renjun.

He didn’t tell him how he used to like Renjun back then.

— — 

Jeno and Renjun finally made progress with the project after realizing that they didn’t do anything related to the project on what’s supposed to be the first day of the draft revision. Still, it wasn’t wasted. They were particularly closer now and noticeably more comfortable.

One afternoon, in the same cafe, Jeno was furiously typing on his laptop and Renjun was watching the people outside when a man in his mid-thirties entered the cafe with a huge bouquet of red roses. He was there to surprise his girlfriend on their 100th day as a couple and he bought 100 roses to celebrate their milestone, according to what Renjun overheard.

The couple garnered attention from the other customers inside the cafe. Some of them even took a video. They looked so happy and perfect and Renjun wished he knew what it felt like to have someone you could share this kind of moment with.

“Must be nice,” Renjun muttered absentmindedly.

Jeno, who was smiling widely while watching the couple, turned to Renjun. “To be in a relationship?”

“To receive flowers,” Renjun replied and sipped his coffee.

That’s right, it was only the flowers. What’s good about being in a relationship anyway? It wasn’t always about fancy dates, expensive gifts, and cuddles. Renjun had been in a relationship when he was a freshman with someone three years his senior, but he didn’t feel any butterflies, the fireworks, the slow motion, or anything similar to what he read and watched. It’s just being with another individual, nothing special.

Jeno believed what Renjun had said, and it clicked on his mind that Renjun wanted flowers because he loved plants. He remembered the vines and potted plants inside Renjun’s apartment.

Renjun, who was oblivious of what was running inside Jeno’s head, took a bite of a cookie they ordered and simply ignored the commotion. He was too preoccupied that he didn’t notice the crumbs falling on the table and some were even stuck near his lips. Jeno saw the mess Renjun had made so he leaned forward and extended his arm out. What he did next surprised Renjun.

Jeno wiped the crumbs near Renjun’s lips using his thumb and he was so focused on what he was doing that he forgot to pay attention to the person he was wiping the crumbs off. Renjun’s eyes were wide and his mind was still processing what happened just now.

It dawned on Jeno what he had done when he saw the look of shock on Renjun’s face.

“I’m so sorry!” he said loudly. Good thing that the people were still focused on the couple that they simply ignored him. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Renjun! I didn’t mean it! I was just… I was just used to doing it with my friends and I forgot. I’m really sorry.”

Jeno apologized profusely and Renjun had to convince to sit down and stop.

“It’s fine, Jeno. I… appreciate your concern,” Renjun replied and bowed his head down. “Just continue what you’re doing.” He motioned at Jeno’s laptop.

Though Jeno wasn’t convinced that he was forgiven, he did what he was told. Meanwhile, Renjun turned his head to look outside and cupped his face, trying to look as nonchalant as possible to hide the blush on his face. He was absolutely surprised by what Jeno did, but for some reason, he didn’t hate it. Jeno meant well, so why would he?

“It’s so hot in this cafe, isn’t it?” Renjun said all of a sudden and fanned his face. “Maybe we should try a different cafe next time.”

“Okay! I’ll search the internet later when I get home.”

That night, Jeno sent a list of cafes within the town that Renjun might like but in the end, Renjun chose to go to the same cafe for the next meeting. This led Jeno into thinking that Renjun probably hated him after what he did.

“I’m dead,” Jeno groaned and dramatically fell on his bed. “What should I do so he wouldn’t be mad at me anymore?”

On his way to their next meeting, Jeno passed by a small flower shop near his apartment. He didn’t know it was there to begin with, he wasn’t aware. Or rather, he didn’t give it much importance since he didn’t have anyone to give flowers to. But when he saw the yellow tulips displayed outside of the shop, he remembered Renjun. There was one moment in their conversation where Renjun mentioned that his favorite color was yellow. For some reason, Jeno remembered it well.

He entered the flower shop and told the woman at the counter who also happened to be the owner, that he wanted to buy a medium-sized bouquet of tulips.

“For your girlfriend?” the lady asked.

“Oh no, just… a friend.”

The lady simply nodded and handed Jeno the bouquet after she arranged the flowers. Jeno continued his way to the cafe where Renjun was waiting. Renjun, meanwhile, was dozing off with his forehead laying flatly on the table. He pulled an all-nighter to finish some of his pending tasks that he hadn't done yet and he regretted it now considering that he had to help Jeno the next day.

“Five minutes. I’ll nap for five minutes.”

He didn’t know how long he was asleep but Renjun stirred awake when he heard the clacking sounds of the keyboard and a faint sweet smell of flowers. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was the bouquet of tulips. He got up and discreetly wiped the corners of his mouth. Renjun groaned when he felt a sharp pain at the back of his head. He slept in an uncomfortable position, that’s why..

“Good morning,” Jeno greeted Renjun without taking his eyes off the screen.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Renjun asked.

“It seems to me that you need to rest badly so I chose not to disturb you.”

“Did you go on a blind date?” Renjun asked and pointed at the flowers.

“Nope. That’s for you.”

Silence fell between them and only the sound of the keyboard could be heard. Jeno stopped when he noticed Renjun staring intensely at him.

Butterflies erupted in Renjun’s stomach as he stared at the man responsible for rendering him speechless. It was a foreign feeling for him and he didn’t know what to do. He had never felt that way before, not even with his first boyfriend. But Jeno, how was he capable of catching him off guard without trying?

“If… If you don’t like it, I can buy you a new one...” Jeno suggested hesitantly. He wished he knew what was going on inside Renjun’s head.

“No, I like it,” Renjun said and picked up the bouquet. He leaned in to smell the flowers and smile.

This time, it was Jeno who stared as if no one else was there but Renjun.

“Why did you give me this?”

“Um… when I passed by the flower shop, I remembered you. You said that it must be nice to receive flowers, and you love the color yellow. I figured you must love plants so I bought it. It would look nice in your house.”

Saying those words with that innocent expression made Renjun’s heart flutter like crazy. He didn’t know if Jeno was blunt, an idiot, or just plainly straightforward. Still, nothing helped to calm down his beating heart.

— — 

Classes had just ended and Renjun was pretty beat from everything he had to do today. He lazily strapped his backpack on his shoulders and made his way outside of the classroom. He momentarily wondered why there was a huge crowd gathered in front of their classroom door but he didn’t bother finding out why. Weaving his way out, he trudged out of the hall.

“Renjun!” a voice called him. When he turned, he saw Jeno smiling at him. Jeno walked towards him and the crowd also followed which caused Renjun to be pushed.

It was the same thing all over again. Renjun fell because of the same reason. Would Jeno be able to catch him this time?

Renjun closed his eyes and braced for the impact but a strong hand seized his wrist and pulled him back to his feet. The smell of Jeno’s cologne overpowered his senses and he suddenly had the urge to lean his full weight on him and press his forehead against his shoulder, which was crazy because how could he have such thoughts at a time like that. 

When Renjun opened his eyes, he only realized that their bodies were so close to each other. Jeno looked worried and searched Renjun’s eyes.

“Are you alright?” he asked. “Are you hurt anywhere?”

Pulling back to keep an ample amount of space between him and Jeno, Renjun stood up straight and gripped the strap of his bag tight to keep it in place. “I’m okay. Don’t worry.”

What happened next was unexpected.

Jeno turned to his ‘fans’ with a furious look on his face, something he had never shown before.

“Please, I am begging you. Be more mindful of your surroundings and make sure you’re not hurting anyone.”

Renjun’s brain short-circuited and before he knew it, they were already in the quiet library. That’s where they decided to meet for today but for some reason, Jeno chose to wait.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Renjun said when he settled on his seat from across Jeno. He didn’t look mad anymore but Renjun didn’t want to take the risk of pissing him off. Jeno really looked like he could snap someone in half.

“I just don’t want them to mindlessly do whatever they want without thinking that they can potentially hurt anyone. Look at you, you almost got hurt earlier.”

Jeno was puzzled when Renjun’s shoulder began shaking followed by a muffled sound of laughter.

“What’s so funny?”

Renjun waved his hand to dismiss the matter but Jeno was too curious to let it go. In the end, Renjun gave in.

“The same thing happened years ago when we were freshmen, when you saw me fight back against our senior. I got pushed by your hysterical fans and the flyers were trampled on. To be honest, I was really pissed off by you. All these years, I thought you were a douche. But everything changed today when you told them off.”

Jeno was speechless. What could he possibly say after he found out Renjun got hurt because of him?

“I’m sorry.”

“You’ve been apologizing to me way too many times now. It’s all okay. I have seen what kind of person you are.”

“And what is it?”

Renjun gave Jeno a heart-stopping smile before giving him a heart-stopping answer.

“Someone that I want to keep by my side.”

— — 

It was another successful performance and the group was resting backstage. Unlike the other nights they performed, Jeno didn’t feel any sense of anxiety about his project this time because as long as he’s doing it with Renjun and he’s meeting his terms generously, nothing could go wrong.

Somehow, on that perfect night, Jeno felt restless. After hearing about what happened to Renjun and the last words he uttered before they started the revision, something inside him kept him wide awake at night, thinking about Renjun.

His heart would beat like crazy whenever his face would pop in his head. 

Is there something wrong with me?

“Jeno!” Mark called Jeno’s name for the fifth time now but he was preoccupied that Jaemin had to smack him on the back of his head. That’s how they got his attention.

“Yes?”

“You’re distracted. Your mind is elsewhere. Are you okay? Are you worried about your grades?” Mark asked.

“I thought it was going well?” Chenle said.

Jeno took a deep sigh and faced his worried bandmates. “It was fine, great actually.”

“Then what’s the matter?”

Jeno contemplated whether he should tell them or not, but he had known these people for a long time now. If there’s a soul who would understand him, it’s them. Maybe also Renjun.

Renjun again? Seriously?

“Renjun told me something…”

“Oh my! Did he confess?” Chenle was suddenly invested with the conversation.

“Did he tell you he didn’t want to continue?” Mark asked.

“Renjun probably told you you stink,” Jaemin guessed.

Jeno ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Can you let me finish? Okay, good. Renjun told me something about the past. When we were freshmen.”

He proceeded  to tell them  what he and Renjun talked about at the library while the other three were listening intently. After he told the story, the three shared a knowing look.

“So, if he already told you it’s okay, what’s gotten you all bothered?” Mark asked.

“I feel like I should do something to make it up to him though it was years ago. He got hurt because of me, it’s only proper to offer an apology even if it was long overdue,” Jeno explained.

“Wait, if I’m not mistaken, isn’t that the time when you had a huge crush on him?” Chenle asked.

“That’s right! I still remember Jeno asking me what to prepare for Valentine’s Day!” Jaemin said.

They teased Jeno until his voice was drowned out by their teasing. He practically had to shout so they would stop.

“I just wanted to make it up to him, that’s all. There are no lingering feelings or whatever it is that you are trying to imply. Try being a decent human being next time.”

“You’re just too kind, Jeno. Anyway, if you are really desperate for help, I know someone who can help you.”

“Who?”

Mark showed Jeno his screen. He was dialing Haechan, Renjun’s best friend.

— — 

Renjun just got out of the shower when he received a message from Jeno asking him if he was free on Friday, and if he was, he wanted to invite him over to his apartment. This puzzled Renjun since they didn’t have any meeting every Friday and there was no reason he could think of why Jeno wanted to see him. But what’s the best way to find out if not to agree?

A few days before Friday, Renjun couldn’t take his mind off his upcoming appointment with Jeno. He didn’t even tell him if there would be other people there aside from him. Was he planning to throw a party?

He was spacing out the whole time and Haechan took notice of his unattentiveness. Every time Haechan would ask, he would lie. Somehow, Renjun knew that Haechan could sense he wasn’t telling the truth but what irked him off was the knowing smile every time he would lie.

Friday arrived and it was drizzling outside. The sky was gray and cloudy and colorful umbrellas filled the streets. Before Renjun went to Jeno’s apartment, he stopped by the nearest pastry shop to buy something for Jeno. He deemed it impolite to come empty-handed. He chose a few slices of cake, unsure what Jeno would like. After buying, Renjun hailed a cab and told the driver to drop him to the address Jeno texted him . He was slightly frustrated that Jeno didn’t even give him details why he wanted him to come over even after he texted his address. If this was a prank or some sort of a cruel joke, Renjun would make sure Jeno wouldn’t make it out alive.

Flabbergasted was an understatement when Renjun found himself standing in front of a high-rise building in a rich neighborhood. He always knew Jeno was rich but not actually this kind of rich. Renjun swore he saw several high-profile people come out of the building. Before he could reach his destination, he had to follow a few protocols because of the tight security. When everything was done, he breathed a sigh of relief when he finally stepped inside of the elevator. He was already exhausted before he could even reach Jeno’s apartment.

The elevator dinged open and Renjun found himself in a sophisticated-looking floor. He suddenly felt out of place with his soggy clothes slightly soaked from the rain. Instead of dwelling on how he looked like a piece of dirty old rag, he searched for the number hung above the doors of the hallways, looking for ‘423’.

Nervousness crept in when Renjun was finally standing in front of Jeno’s door. There was nothing to be anxious about but his whole body was paralyzed. Still, he forced himself to press the doorbell. A few moments later, the door opened and revealed Jeno wearing a blue hoodie and sweatpants and eyeglasses. His hair wasn’t styled today and it looked… soft.

“You’re just in time. Come in,” Jeno said happily and opened the door wider. Renjun reluctantly followed Jeno inside and took his shoes off. The apartment was pristine clean; it would actually hurt someone’s eyes just by looking.

“I’m never late,” Renjun countered.

“Right.”

“I brought something —” Renjun stopped mid-sentence when he saw what was prepared on the dining table. The table was filled with food that Renjun loved; it was almost like a feast.

“Oh, you brought cake?”

“A few slices, yes.”

Jeno got the box from Renjun then transferred the slices on the plate before setting it on the table, pushing a few plates to make space.

“Is it your birthday today? Are you having a party?” Renjun asked.

“No, my birthday is in April. And no again, because this is just for you.”

“For me?” Renjun pointed to himself. “But I don’t know the occasion. It’s not my birthday today.”

Jeno scratched the back of his head, unsure of what to say. Perhaps, he overdid it. He only followed Haechan’s suggestion. Renjun was easy to coax, just bribe him with food and he would be fine. Jeno asked Haechan for the list of Renjun’s favorite food and ordered them from an expensive Chinese restaurant because there’s no way he was capable of cooking all of it unless he wanted to burn the whole building down. Now that he got a good look at it, he seemed to have prepared too much.

“Care to explain, Mr. Lee?”

“Please don’t call me that. It’s too formal, like my professor is going to scold me.”

“Mr. Lee?”

“Fine! I…” Jeno reluctantly looked at Renjun but he couldn’t hold eye contact since he was too embarrassed. “I prepared all of this as a peace offering for the accident that happened when we were freshmen. You got hurt because of me so I thought, I should make it up to you. I feel really guilty even though it’s been years. Still, you deserve to receive an apology. But I’m sorry again, if this was over the top and I only ordered it from a Chinese restaurant because I can’t cook anything except ramen. And if I’m feeling brave, I can fry eggs. I’m too afraid to use the—”

Jeno stopped blabbering when Renjun laughed.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that, you can’t stop talking when you’re nervous or anxious. It’s endearing.”

Am I… endearing? Jeno asked himself. His heart pounded like crazy especially after hearing Renjun's small giggles. His heart was swelling and a huge part of him wanted to slam Renjun onto his chest and trap him in his arms. Was it normal for a person to feel like that?

“I appreciate all your efforts Jeno, really. Even though I already told you it was fine, you still went your way to prepare this. I have no words. Thank you so much.”

“Please, don’t thank me. It’s for you.”

Renjun smiled brightly and turned to Jeno. “Shall we dig in?”

They shared a bunch of stories over good food that they almost forgot they were practically strangers before this. Jeno thought that despite his first draft being rejected and him being at risk of failing, at least something good happened. He got closer to Renjun, the person he least expected to guide and help him. Renjun was just as fascinated with the turn of events. He had gotten so comfortable with Jeno now, it felt like he had known him for years. He could easily be himself around him, let himself loose and relax, show more of his true self without the fear of being judged.

“You told me when we first met that you wouldn’t be allowed to pursue music if you fail. Why is that?” Renjun asked.

Jeno stopped at the question and Renjun suddenly regretted what he did.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

“No, it’s fine,” Jeno said. “I just didn’t expect you to remember.”

“How could I not? Haechan literally guilt tripped me into agreeing. Not that I regret it though. I just… I judged you from the beginning. I held a grudge against you from that year when I got pushed and from then on, I assumed that you are selfish and arrogant. That’s why I never attempted to talk to you. If only I had known you were this kind, I would have made you my friend long ago. I’m sorry.”

“Studies say that people tend to be more vulnerable and honest at night but it’s only in the afternoon,” Jeno said which made Renjun laugh.

“It’s probably the food talking.”

“Make it soda. At least it’s more believable.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not? At least they’re both liquid.”

Silence passed by but they both felt comfortable with it to break it. It was an established fact that both of them preferred silence over nonsense conversation yet somehow, talking to each other wasn’t exactly nonsense but they also loved the peace that came along with silence.

“Why do you love music?” Renjun asked. “You seemed quite passionate about it.”

That question unexpectedly revealed another version of Jeno that Renjun had never seen. The look on his face changed: his expression became brighter and there was that burning passion reflected in his eyes. This was an enthusiastic Jeno after he was asked about the thing he loved the most.

“I was really close to my grandpa. He was my best friend growing up. He taught me about a lot of things, but one thing that we had in common was our passion for music. I saw him playing an acoustic guitar once, and I thought he looked cool so I asked him to teach me. I complained that it was hard and my fingers hurt, but he told me that if I desperately wanted something — no matter how hard it was to get or achieve — I must persevere. Because in the end, all the hardships will be worth it. I turned that into my mantra.

“You see, my grandpa wanted to pursue music and he was getting lucky at it. He got a big record label that wanted to sign him, but my great grandparents got in the way. They discouraged him and eventually, they won. Though not completely because my grandpa didn’t give up completely. My father wasn’t interested in music unlike him and he became an architect. He designed this building. My grandpa saw himself in me and supported me all the way though my parents hated my decision.

“A week before the college entrance examination, my grandfather died. Before he passed, he told me not to give up on music. He told me not to follow his path where he let other people talk him out of his dreams. I was supposed to be a music major but I changed it because of my parents. I struck a deal with them that I would take this major if they would let me continue doing music. It was a struggle keeping both promises, but it was fulfilling. I had sworn to myself to not let my grandfather’s legacy die.”

A lone tear rolled down Renjun’s cheek after hearing the story. Jeno didn’t even look sad while telling it, but it moved Renjun. He was repulsed by his own words and actions a few weeks ago when he said that he didn’t care if Jeno would fail and lose his dreams. He cared now. More than he would admit.

It gave Renjun a sense of motivation. He reached out and squeezed Jeno’s hand which surprised the latter. “You will not fail, I promise you that,” Renjun said with finality.

“I know, I have you.”

Renjun knew the statement was harmless but it didn’t stop him from being flustered. He cleared his throat to distract himself. “Since you told me something personal about yourself, I think I should, too.”

“If you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to. You’re not obligated to tell me your story.”

“But I wanted to.”

Jeno saw something in Renjun’s eyes that made him give in.

“Go ahead. I’ll listen.”

Renjun cleared his throat. “My parents met at a business gathering once. They were too stressed with their work that they decided to talk to each other all night to lift the burden off their shoulders. From talking too much, they didn’t notice how many champagne flutes they had downed. Both of them were too drunk to even know what they were doing and when they woke up, they realized they made a huge mistake. Months later, my mom discovered she was pregnant. She told my dad and both of their parents found out. They couldn’t hide it forever anyway.

“They were basically forced to get married because of me. To make the story short, I grew up in a loveless marriage and I didn’t know what love or affection felt like. They were always at work and they hired a nanny to look after me instead. But even if they have time, they still wouldn’t care for me. That’s why I convinced myself that I’m better off alone and that love is bullshit.

“When they found out I was gay, they treated me like a ghost. Not that there’s much difference from the way they originally treat me anyway. That’s why I chose to leave China and study here instead of staying in that house. I’m sure they’re also relieved to get rid of me like they are now free from a deadly disease. I just make sure to stay out of trouble and get good grades so they wouldn’t say a thing. Life sucks, they treat me like shit, but it’s fine as long as they don’t open their mouths and not meddle with my business.”

It was a moment of vulnerability for both of them and neither spoke, they just sat there in silence. Somehow, that was enough. Jeno slid his hands off from underneath Renjun and engulfed the latter’s hand using his own. Renjun’s hand was small compared to Jeno’s and was way smaller but somehow, their hands felt like they were molded for each other.

“You deserved none of that. You were just a child and you didn’t ask to be born.”

“I know, but there’s nothing I can do but to endure it. I just wish they were a little nicer to me since I’m their child but this is what happens when you were born with parents who didn’t know how to deal with their emotions aside from casting it away.”

Renjun was fine with it, seriously. It had been years and he had learned how to deal with it but Jeno seemed like he was about to cry.

“Hey, Jeno! It’s fine, okay? Here, have some cake.”

Renjun sliced a bit using the spoon and coaxed Jeno to open his mouth. After he tasted the sweetness of the cake, his mood lifted up and he no longer looked crestfallen. Renjun thought it was adorable.

While eating, Renjun’s eyes landed on the vase on top of the small table. It was filled with red roses made of paper and it looked like it had been there for quite some time based on the dust it accumulated.

“Did you make those?” Renjun asked Jeno and pointed at the flowers.

Jeno turned and nodded.

“I didn’t know you were crafty.”

“I wasn’t. I watched a tutorial and had to re-do more than ten times. By the time I learned how to do it, a mountain of crumpled paper piled up.”

Renjun imagined Jeno with his big, rough hands carefully folding papers then being frustrated because he couldn’t do it right, crumpling the paper with his massive hands and tossing it. Jeno had always been a patient and calm person and it would be a refreshing sight to see him frustrated.

“I hope you got a high mark. The flowers looked beautiful.”

“I didn’t make it for art class,” Jeno said. “I made it for you.”

Renjun, who was about to open his mouth wide to gobble the last slice, stopped.

“For me?”

Jeno nodded in confirmation and bowed his head to hide the blush but his red ears gave him away.

“I used to like you when we were freshmen. On Valentine’s Day, I was planning to confess to you but our senior already asked you to be his boyfriend. I thought it would be appropriate to push through. I kept the flowers as a reminder that I can get everything I want if I persevere. I told you, I made it my mantra.”

It was fascinating that Jeno could joke about the past but Renjun felt a twisting feeling inside his stomach. He didn’t find it funny at all. 

“Jaehyun and I were just testing the waters. What happened between us was nothing serious.” Renjun didn’t know where that came from or why he even felt the need to clarify things that happened years ago. Jaehyun was the senior who asked Renjun to be his boyfriend but their relationship only lasted a month before they mutually decided to end things between them.

“Oh…”

“You still should’ve told me what you felt…” Renjun said in a small voice.

“Even if I did, you’d only hate me even more. You think I’m toying with you because you thought I was selfish and arrogant.”

Renjun knew that would most likely be the case. It happened years ago so he didn’t understand why he was so affected. He was surprised when Jeno interlaced their fingers together and smiled at him, the kind of smile where it reached his eyes and it formed a crescent shape. That was probably the most adorable thing that Renjun had seen.

“Worry not, we’re friends now. Let’s make more pleasant memories together!”

For the first time in four years, Renjun wanted to hug Jeno.

— — 

“Renjun, my beloved best friend, the cutest human-being, the light of the world. I have a burning hot tea for you,” Haechan said one morning when he entered their classroom.

“What is it?”

“I think Mark likes me.”

Renjun rolled his eyes. “That’s not tea. That’s pure delusion.”

Haechan was about to smack Renjun but his deadly glare made him stop. “I’m being serious here! He gave me a ticket for their upcoming gig this Christmas and he told me that I have to be there. I think he’s going to confess!”

“I think he’s going to introduce you to his girlfriend and they’ll make you their wingman.”

It took everything in Haechan not to beat his best friend into a pulp. Renjun knew how to get on his nerves and he loved tormenting Haechan.

“How was the project with Jeno going?”

“Well…” Renjun trailed off. “Better than I expected.”

Haechan gasped loudly and Renjun turned to him with a puzzled expression on his face.

“What happened?”

Haechan shook his head. “Oh, nothing. I just… remembered something.”

He was lying, of course. Any person could tell. But the reason why he gasped was much more surprising. Renjun answered him… with a smile.

— — 

It’s just another mundane day for Renjun so without thinking much, he accepted Haechan’s lunch invitation. Renjun trudged to the cafeteria and was ready to rant on Haechan about his professor when he saw the people sitting around the table with his best friend. He could still turn around and walk away, make up an excuse that he couldn’t go to lunch — like he was poisoned or ran over by a bike and they had to amputate his leg. He could still do it. He could still— 

“Renjun!” Haechan called and waved at him. “Over here!”

Haechan’s companions turned around and looked at Renjun. They were all so good-looking, it’s actually a crime for them to be in one place altogether. They could gather so much unnecessary attention just by breathing.

“Hey,” Renjun greeted them awkwardly and waved.

There was a vacant seat between Haechan and Jeno and Renjun occupied it.

“Hi,” Jeno greeted Renjun with a smile and Renjun smiled back. Unknown to them, there were four pairs of eyes shamelessly watching them. Mark was stifling a giggle and Haechan elbowed his side.

After Renjun ordered his food, Mark, Jaemin, and Chenle introduced themselves. Renjun didn’t miss the overly sweet smile that Jaemin gave him and how he lightly squeezed and tugged his hand to pull him closer. Throughout their conversation, Renjun found out that Mark and Jeno mostly collaborate in songwriting, Chenle for the rhythm, and Jaemin for the themes and photoshoot. It surprised Renjun that the three already knew about him.

“Of course we know you, your face is literally everywhere,” Chenle said. Renjun remembered the tarpaulins that the university printed whenever one of their students won. 

“You’re not only smart but you’re also very pretty,” Jaemin said. The whole table went silent.

“Oh… uh, thanks,” Renjun replied. A blush spread across his cheeks. He still wasn’t used to receiving compliments about his looks because he didn’t hear it a lot. Everyone he met thought he was pretty and cute, they just couldn’t say it out loud because he looked intimidating like he would chew anyone who would try to talk to him. The first person who was brave enough to say it was Haechan.

“Can I get your number? Don’t worry, I won’t give it to anyone as a prank,” Jaemin said.

All their heads turned when all of a sudden, Jeno cleared his throat a little too loud. Even the neighboring table looked.

“Water?” Jaemin asked Jeno tauntingly.

“No, thank you,” Jeno declined.

Renjun, who was clueless about what’s happening, opened the sealed bottle of water and passed it to Jeno. “Here, drink up. Don’t be stubborn.”

That simple, innocent gesture, somehow helped to ease up Jeno’s temper. The people around the table exchanged glances.

“Renjun, I’m just wondering…” Chenle clasped his hands and propped his elbow on the table. “If you are single? I mean, you’re not my type but I know a lot of people who will go head over heels for you.”

“Yes, I’m single but I have no intentions of—”

“You know what Renjun, Chenle can actually help you. You’ve been single for quite a long time now.”

“I really don’t need—”

“If you want, I’m down,” Jaemin said and everyone held their breath, waiting for Renjun’s answer.

Someone’s knee accidentally bumped the table and the glass of soda in front of Renjun spilled all over his clothes. He stood up quickly, the chair screeched on the floor and everyone in the cafeteria turned their heads to look at the commotion.

“I have no spare clothes,” Renjun murmured and hopelessly looked at the mess.

Jeno immediately came to Renjun’s rescue and handed him a paper bag. “Here, you can use mine. Let’s go.”

Renjun let himself get dragged away when Jeno seized his wrist and they left the cafeteria.

“Didn’t we go too far?” Mark asked.

“Jaemin started it.” Haechan pointed at Jaemin.

“But I’m serious, though. If he wants to date then he can try it with me.”

“They’ll be fine!” Chenle said to the three. “Have you seen the way they gaze at each other whenever the other person talks? Eyes don’t lie. They just need a little push, a slight provocation.”

“I hope you’re right,” Mark said.

Renjun opened the paper bag and there was a black hoodie inside. It was bigger than his usual clothes since Jeno was way taller and his body was slightly bulky compared to Renjun’s. It also smelled of Jeno, which made Renjun smile unconsciously. When he stepped out of the cubicle, he found Jeno leaning against the sink. Jeno looked up at the sound of the door unlocking and his breath hitched when he saw Renjun almost being swallowed by his clothes. His face suddenly felt hot and he couldn’t find any words to say aside from…

So fucking cute.

“Thank you for letting me borrow your hoodie,” Renjun said and opened the faucet to wash his hands.

“That’s nothing.”

Renjun hummed and all that could be heard was the sound of running water.

“Are you going to take their offer?” Jeno asked.

Renjun glanced at Jeno through the mirror, his face confused. “What offer?”

“The date.”

It was because they didn’t let Renjun speak earlier that he couldn’t clarify to them that he didn’t really want to.

“No, why would I?”

“Maybe, you’re interested in dating.”

Renjun turned to face Jeno and he noticed the pink tinge on his cheeks but refused to comment about it. “Love is a luxury I can afford. I don’t really revel at the idea of dating someone, fall in love with them, and share my deepest and darkest secrets. Because at the end of the day, nobody can really stand who I am.”

“But… But what if there’s someone out there for you?”

A small smile tugged the corners of Renjun’s lips. “Then that person better hurry up. I don’t like to be kept waiting.”

— — 

On his way to the library, Renjun saw a familiar figure at the stone steps in front of the building across from the library. 

It was Jeno talking to a pretty girl from the Tourism Department. It was Karina Yoo, Renjun recognized after squinting his eyes hard. She was famous not only in her department but even outside of their university. She’s a famous influencer known for having doll-like visuals.

Looking at the two, Renjun felt a twisting feeling inside his chest like his heart was being squeezed. Jeno and Karina looked so good together. They’re both tall and beautiful people. Everyone would surely get jealous once they got together. They’re like the main characters in a romance novel.

And I’m one of the characters that blend in the background.

Renjun spent his lunch time with them again, and he wished he hadn’t.

“I saw you with Karina earlier!” Chenle teased and elbowed Jeno’s side since they’re sitting beside each other and there’s Mark on Jeno’s other side. Renjun was sitting across from him, in between Haechan and Jaemin.

“We’re just talking,” Jeno answered nonchalantly. Renjun didn’t know if Jeno really didn’t care or he was just playing it cool. Perhaps, they chose to keep whatever was going on between them private. 

“Didn’t you give her tickets to our special gig two months ago?” Jaemin asked and Renjun whipped his head at him.

Jeno closed his eyes and clenched his jaw to control himself. “I did,” he replied. “I did that for others, too.”

“But not in our special gig,” Chenle replied.

“What are you trying to prove? Don’t ask if you’re not going to believe me.”

The atmosphere went awkward after that. Jeno continued to eat silently and the four made faces to each other, probably passing the blame since that’s what they always did. Renjun’s eyes were fixated on Jeno, trying to read him but it appeared that the texts were too blurry and had so many underlying meanings. Was there more to it or were they all just assuming things? Did he get mad because he was telling the truth or because he was guilty?

When Jeno looked up, he met Renjun’s eyes for a brief moment before the latter looked away and focused on his food.

They both felt it in their gut. A storm was coming.

The next time they met, it was like the first time all over again. Nobody dared to start a conversation. Renjun even brought his own laptop and pretended he was doing something. Jeno was almost finished with his project and he only needed Renjun’s opinion about a few things. An intrusive thought plagued Renjun’s mind. What would become of them once their agreement was over?

Would they still meet in the cafe and sit and talk in their usual spot? Would they still talk over the phone for hours? Would Jeno still tell Renjun jokes he found online and laugh at it no matter how bad it is? Would Jeno still talk to him?

“Renjun?” Jeno called his attention.

“Yes?”

“Should I remove this paragraph from this section? I feel like it contradicts the whole content but I like what I wrote.”

Renjun then proceeded to help Jeno. They didn’t delete the whole paragraph, just made a few revisions.

“You only have three pages left,” Renjun pointed out.

Jeno’s shoulder dropped. He tried so hard not to look at how many pages were left until it was over but Renjun had to ruin it for him. He was sure that once this was over, Renjun would go back to ignoring him again because they had no reason to meet or talk anymore. That alone brought excruciating pain in his heart.

They both had learned to love each other’s presence.

Suddenly, a woman dressed in pink approached their table. When Renjun looked up, he saw Karina. She was even prettier up close, the photos she took didn’t do her beauty justice.

Her smile was bright and wide and genuine and Renjun hated the fact that he couldn’t return it. All he could muster was a small smile that almost looked like a grimace.

“Jeno!” Karina tapped Jeno’s shoulder. Jeno looked up from his laptop and was surprised to see Karina. His eyes briefly threw Renjun a glance and Renjun read the situation.

They don’t want me here. I’m disturbing something important.

Or maybe he was just thinking what he wanted to think because jumping into conclusions was his defense mechanism to prepare himself, if not avoid disappointment.

Karina turned to Renjun.

“I’m Karina Yoo from Tourism.”

“I’m Huang Renjun.”

“I know, everybody knows you.”

“Same goes for you.”

Karina smiled at Jeno and wiggled her eyebrows teasingly. 

Must be a secret code between them.   Renjun thought.

“Um… I should take a leave,” Renjun said. “I have to meet the second-year student I am going to tutor today.”

“You’re going to tutor someone?” Jeno asked. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, our agreement is almost over and I need a new job once this is over so I accepted the offer. Perfect timing, isn’t it?”

Jeno didn’t reply. Renjun took this as his cue to leave.

As his steps took him away further from the cafe, his heart sank deeper in his chest.

“Did you two have a fight?” Karina asked as she occupied Renjun’s now vacant seat.

“We’re fine, at least that’s what I thought. What about you? How’s the plan with Winter going?”

Karina smiled like a lovesick fool at the mention of Winter’s name, her girlfriend. They met in one of 119’s gigs and were cat and mouse for a good two months, chasing after each other then running away when things got too hard to handle . Jeno helped them be together. The ticket he gave to Karina two months ago was actually from her girlfriend. Winter asked Jeno to give it to her.

To summarize everything, Jeno was their wingman.

“Until when will you wait?” Karina asked. “I overheard one of my juniors saying that he wanted to date Renjun because he’s cool and cute. Imagine his joy when he found out that Renjun likes men and he’s single.”

Jeno tapped the keys a little heavier; it almost sounded like he was smashing it with his fingers.

“There’s no use in waiting, Jeno. It will get you nowhere. It’s the same as running faucet, it will not close on its own and it will continue to spill and overflow unless you make a move to close it.”

“Closing it means suppressing myself.”

“Or it can also mean that you’re going to stop wasting your time yearning for him and let your feelings go to waste and finally do something about it. It can be interpreted in many ways, but the bottomline here is you have to move if you want something to happen. If you want him so much, that is.” Karina stood up and strapped her shoulder bag on her shoulder. “But maybe you don’t want to be with him that bad so just watch until he finally finds someone else. Brings back memories, doesn’t it?”

After leaving those parting words, Karina left. Jeno was alone and all he could think about was Renjun, happy with a man that wasn’t him. He saved the file first before slamming his laptop close and went home.

The days, no—years of waiting’s over. This time, he would make Renjun his before anyone could beat him to it.

— — 

Renjun had a class before lunch and Jeno took the opportunity to wait for him and ask him if he wanted to come to their gig this Saturday. There were two tickets inside the pocket of his coat. One for Renjun, the other for Karina because Winter worked at the bar where they would perform and she asked Jeno to give her the ticket. Wingman duties.

Jeno found a tall man leaning against the wall with his headphones plugged in. He was bobbing his head to the music and had no care about the world. Jeno didn’t pay much attention. When the students filed out of the classroom (some girls even waved at him), he spotted Renjun and his heart immediately went crazy.

Tightening the grip around the strap of his bag, Jeno willed his feet to move to approach Renjun. Imagine Renjun’s shock when he saw Jeno waiting outside the classroom looking like he was about to shit on his pants. They had no scheduled meeting today which puzzled him.

“Hi,” Jeno greeted him.

“Hello. Need something?”

Straightforward as always.

“Uh, yeah. Um… you see, you know. You know I play guitar, right? And I'm in a band. You know… uh…”

It was like deciphering a code that didn’t make sense and Renjun was losing his patience.

“Goddammit, Jeno. Just spit it out.”

“Are you free this Saturday?”

Right then, the tall man spotted Renjun and happily skipped his way to him and wrapped his arm around Renjun’s shoulders, which surprised both Jeno and Renjun.

“Jisung!” Renjun exclaimed when he looked up.

“Who is he?” Jeno asked and glared at Jisung. Jisung was taken aback by the sudden hostility.

“I’m Park Jisung,” Jisung introduced himself and extended his arm. Jeno took and shook it a little too tight for Jisung to grimace.

“He’s the student I’m talking about,” Renjun said. Jeno eyed the arm around Renjun’s shoulder and he suddenly had the urge to rip it off.

Just then, they heard heels clicking on the floor and the crowd parted. It was Karina. She was just going to deliver the papers to one of her professors in that building. When Jeno spotted her, he called her and gave her the ticket Winter asked him to give. Renjun and the others saw the whole thing. It only took a few seconds for them to jump into conclusions and none of them were right.

Renjun’s chest tightened and forced himself to look away.

Why did Jeno ask me out if I’m free on Saturday? Does he want my help with Karina?

Jeno returned to Renjun but Renjun already had an answer.

“I’m sorry, I’m not free. I’ll be out of town. Our meeting for Saturday is cancelled,” he lied.

Jeno tried to hide his disappointment. “Oh. Where will you go?”

“I think that’s none of your business.” Renjun didn’t mean to be rude but it came out harsher than he expected. Even Jisung was surprised. Renjun excused himself and walked away, Jisung trailing behind him.

Inside the pocket of his coat, Jeno crumpled the ticket meant for Renjun. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Renjun had changed so much the past few days and he didn’t know what he did wrong. How could he make up for something he had no idea about?

“I think he’s hurt,” Jisung said when they were out of the building. Renjun didn’t need to be reminded. He knew how soft-hearted and sensitive Jeno was and he would probably think about it for days. He might not hate him but he would surely remember the scar Renjun gave. It made Renjun even mad at himself.

So am I.

Renjun didn’t realize there were tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Do you like him?”

The question made him stop. They were in the middle of the field and Renjun was glad there was no one around. Jisung didn’t need to hear the answer, just Renjun’s reaction was enough. “We don’t hurt the ones we like.”

“He doesn’t feel the same,” Renjun replied and his voice cracked.

“How did you know that? Did you ask him?”

“I don’t have to ask him.”

“Will you like it if he assumes things about you and he assumes wrong?”

All that Renjun wanted was to have a peaceful life, graduate with flying colors, find a job, and work until he’s old. He never really indulged with the idea of love or romance. It was superficial, full of flaws, and something that wasn’t made for him. Because how could somebody like his brooding personality?

But with Jeno, it wasn’t like that at all. He was never irritated, he felt calm and comfortable around him, and he would even find himself laughing because of him. He was a totally different person around him. Like Jeno knew that he was holding himself back, and he was encouraging him to open up a little more. That everything would be just fine because Jeno was there.

That’s how Renjun realized what it was he was trying to suppress all this time.

He liked Jeno.

— — 

Jisung had a crush on Chenle.

That’s an established fact. Chenle was the reason why Jisung transferred to their university and now he had to catch up with the other lessons that weren’t taught to them yet. That’s the sacrifice he had to make because he was down bad. He was so head over heels for him, it almost made Renjun gag. He attended their gig once because a friend dragged him there and he fell in love with the keyboardist at first sight. It was crazy seeing Jisung— who was quiet and reserved most of the time—act like a lovesick fool while talking about Chenle.

Jisung went to the Saturday gig and he had a lot of fun while Renjun stayed in his apartment, feeling miserable in his bed while listening to a sad playlist he made.

“Chenle looks so cool!” Jisung exclaimed and showed him a bunch of  pictures he had taken. If Jisung walked up to Renjun and said that he had Chenle’s phone, he would believe it. Chenle took up most of the space in Jisung’s phone.

“You’re giving me major stalker vibes,” Renjun commented. “I heard it wasn’t even that fun.”

“You’ve heard from the wrong people, then.”

Renjun rolled his eyes. Was it really that good? Now that he thought of it, he had never watched any of their single live performances and had never seen Jeno play a guitar. A lot of people said he looked hot. He always looked hot, but he's completely different on stage.

“What the fuck?”

Jisung was completely traumatized after seeing Renjun bash his head on the table.

— — 

The day that they were dreading arrived before they could even prepare themselves. They found themselves in the cafe where they first talked with grim expressions on their faces. Jeno was calculating in his head about what his next move would be. Renjun was trying his best not to get emotional.

After this, they would have no reason to meet anymore.

“Um…”

“Renjun—”

“You go first,” Jeno said immediately.

“Your project, let’s finish it,” Renjun replied without meeting Jeno’s eyes.

“About that, I actually finished it and submitted it to Mr. Moon. He already approved it and told me it was so much better than the first one. All thanks to you.”

“Don’t thank me. I was getting paid so I must do a good job. I didn’t want to disappoint my employer.”

They laughed at that little joke and went quiet again. They were walking on eggshells around each other. When did things start to go downhill between them?

“What about you? You’re going to say something earlier, aren’t you?” Renjun asked.

“Oh, about that.” Jeno fidgeted on his seat. “Are you coming to the fair?”

Every year, the university holds a fair after the final exam before the end of the first semester. It's one of the most awaited events every December. 119 was booked to perform as a closing act.

Renjun was about to answer when his phone vibrated on the table. The screen revealed a picture of Jisung with a cat filter on and the contact name was ‘Baby Ji’. Renjun didn’t know that Jisung changed it last time as a prank when he borrowed his phone. Jeno glanced at the phone and he wished he hadn’t looked. His chest constricted in pain and tears welled up his eyes.

He’s late. Again.

“You’re dating him?” Jeno asked.

“No, we’re not dating. Geez. Wait, let me just take this call.”

Renjun stepped out to answer the call and Jeno could see the smile on his face even though his back was turned to him. Jeno gripped the keychain he bought for Renjun days before they met today. He was planning to confess to him today but it seemed like he missed his chance again. Since he didn’t bring any stuff, he just waited until Renjun finished the call. He secretly looped the fox keychain through the zipper pull of Renjun’s bag.

Jisung was talking to Renjun about how he accidentally bumped into Chenle at the mall and Chenle recognized him from the crowd since he was shouting like a maniac. Chenle invited Jisung to eat dinner with him later and they were walking around the mall right now. Jisung swore he could die and Renjun laughed. He really found him adorable.

When he returned, Jeno stood up.

“Where are you doing?” Renjun asked.

“Oh, I have to go… somewhere,” Jeno said and smiled.

“Is it urgent?” Renjun asked.

“Yup, Chenle called me over to his house.”

Renjun’s brows furrowed. Chenle was at the mall right now with Jisung. Jeno’s lie was caught and there was something about his smile that seemed off.

Jeno bid Renjun goodbye without waiting for his answer and left the cafe in a hurry. Just then, something caught Renjun’s eyes. There was an orange fox attached to his bag. This won’t do. He had to know it. He had to find out why Jeno lied. So he strapped his bag on his shoulders and chased after Jeno. 

Renjun ran and ran and searched for Jeno but he couldn’t find him. Not at the bus stop. Not in his apartment. Jeno vanished and it left Renjun feeling hollow. He needed answers but there’s nothing he could do when the person who had it didn’t want to be found.

With a heavy heart, Renjun went home. He swore he had never felt so miserable his entire life. It made him realize that he had been feeling nothing for years, so feeling all these emotions all at once overwhelmed him. After washing up, Renjun laid in his bed with the keychain in his hand. He had no idea why Jeno picked the fox one but it looked cute. He stared at it for quite a long time and that’s when he saw the small paper that the fox was holding.

Renjun got up and unrolled the paper. Written on it were the words that Renjun couldn’t believe that Jeno would say to him. That’s when he pieced everything until he finally saw the image on the puzzle. All this time… all this fucking time…

“I like you, Huang Renjun.”

— — 

The past few days were tedious and exhausting because the finals week was nearing. Renjun had other things in mind. Jeno didn’t reach out to him and Renjun did the same. They treated each other like ghosts whenever they would accidentally run to each other. Sometimes they would smile, but it was so small their lips barely moved.

He was waiting until it’s the day of the fair which would happen five days before Christmas. Haechan could tell that Renjun was preoccupied because he poured the whole bottle of soy sauce on his food last time they had lunch together and then complained why it was salty, or when he flashed his middle finger at the driver that wouldn’t let an old woman cross the road, or when he kept calling Haechan, ‘Jisung’.

He was just so out of it that it made Haechan worried.

“As long as he’s not going to get himself killed then it’s fine,” Haechan told himself.

The band was practicing and Haechan invited himself over like he always did. At this point, he should join the band and replace Mark Lee, or sing along with Mark Lee, or just make out with him—

“Renjun’s not okay,” Haechan said all of a sudden. The person tuning the guitar stopped what he was doing.

“Really?” Jaemin asked.

“He’s not being himself lately. I want to ask what happened but if he wanted me to know, he would tell me. So far, he’s not mentioning anything.”

“Jeno,” Mark called him. “Do you have any idea what happened?”

Jeno shrugged his shoulders. “No idea. We don’t talk anymore. Try asking his boyfriend.”

Haechan moved at lightning speed and he was now standing in front of Jeno. “Renjun has a boyfriend?”

Jeno blinked. “Isn’t he dating Park Jisung?”

“No, he’s not!”

The reaction from Chenle came out a little too violent and all of them raised an eyebrow. That’s when Chenle realized what he had done and tried to dodge their questions but eventually, they were able to squeeze the truth from him.

“Jisung confessed to me last week,” Chenle admitted. “And I figured, he’s not exactly that bad so I gave him a chance.”

“And why did you keep this from us? You, brat!” Jaemin pinched Chenle’s cheeks.

Meanwhile, Jeno went as still as a statue after hearing that revelation.

Renjun is not dating Jisung, so that means… I misunderstood everything.

“I thought he’s just not ready to admit it,” Jeno said and Haechan turned to him.

“What?”

A smile tugged the corners of Jeno’s smile until it became so wide he thought it would split his face apart. He’s just so happy he couldn’t contain it.

“All my friends are going crazy.”

It was finally the day of the fair and Renjun had never felt so nervous in his life. Not when he was sent in an international competition and he was competing against students from Ivy League Schools. This was different. There’s no accolade to win or recognition to acquire. This was, by far, the biggest risk he would ever take.

Smoothing his hair down in front of the mirror, Renjun took a good look at himself one last time before putting the puppy keychain he bought—similar to the fox one he had. The ride to the university was excruciatingly slow but when he got in front of the gate, he was too scared to enter. To ease his nerves, he decided to buy candy. Perhaps, something sweet could calm him down.

That’s how he bumped into Karina accompanied by a beautiful girl. The girl’s arm was wrapped around Karina’s waist and Renjun knew even the strangers around were looking at them.

“Renjun, hi!” Karina greeted him enthusiastically. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’m great,” Renjun answered.

“By the way, this is Winter. She’s my girlfriend.”

To say that Renjun was flabbergasted was an understatement. Good thing he was able to control his facial expression and immediately introduced himself as if he wasn’t shook to the core.

“Wow, you two… you look so good together,” Renjun said. It was a genuine compliment.

The girls blushed and looked at each other before thanking Renjun. They bid Renjun goodbye since Karina was already starving and Winter didn’t want to risk taking the brunt of her girlfriend’s anger so they went to the food court. As Renjun followed them with his gaze until they disappeared, it made him wish that the thing between Jeno and him would work because he had no idea what to do if it didn’t.

He walked around for a few hours, visiting booths and stalls but as the time of the live performance neared, the more restless he got. His own feet took him to the makeshift stage where the band would perform and it stayed rooted on the spot. That’s probably it. His own body locked him and prevented him from escaping.

People soon joined him and he was glad that he arrived early since he got to choose one of the best spots where he could clearly see the performers. Two emcees climbed up the stage and began talking but Renjun couldn’t comprehend anything. Everything passed by like a blur to him until the crowd screamed and the members of the band climbed up the stage one by one. The last one to go up was Jeno and he seemed distracted.

The first song started playing and Renjun was hypnotized when Jeno began strumming the guitar. He looked so different from the cuddly and cute Jeno that Renjun had the privilege of seeing the past few weeks. This Jeno was aggressive and feral and he could snap your bones with his gaze alone. The tattoo on his neck made everyone lose their wits that even Renjun was speechless. He suddenly regretted not attending their gigs before because he was too lazy.

Renjun was stunned the whole time while the crowd around him was going wild. Haechan was right, he missed out on a lot of fun. They performed three songs and Renjun enjoyed all of it. It was like being on a rollercoaster ride but you didn’t know where it would take you. For the last song, the lights dimmed and the rhythm was slow. Renjun didn’t know what song was playing, but everyone cheered after hearing the first few keys played by Chenle.

If he’s with Jisung right now, that man would either pass out or scream until his throat was hoarse. There’s nothing in between.

Mark’s voice was low and the lyrics pierced right through Renjun. It was a song about a person suppressing their feelings for the other in fear of fallout. Jeno played the guitar with his eyes closed. Renjun thought he looked dazzling.

The crowd sang along with Mark and Renjun wished he had a printed copy of the lyrics because it was attacking him at unexpected moments. He hated that he could relate to every word like it was written for him. 

“Jeno is such a genius for writing this song.”

“I know, right?”

Renjun overheard the conversation of the girls behind him. They were screeching like dying hawks earlier and they pushed him plenty of times while jamming to the song. They were so into it and felt that they were the main characters so Renjun let it slide.

Jeno wrote this song?

As the song approached the end, Mark stopped singing and Jeno stepped in front of the mic. Then, his deep voice silenced the crowd.

These are the words I’ve been meaning to say
Back when I saw you standing in that hallway
I fell so hard and I’m head over heels
I hope tonight I’ll see you in my dreams

Time had slowed. Everything was silent. There was no one in that venue but Renjun and Jeno staring at each other as Jeno sang the lyrics as if he was bidding Renjun farewell. Like it was the last time he was going to say it because he got tired of waiting. Then, the magic evaporated and Renjun was back again in that noisy and crowded place. The band had already left the stage.

No, I can’t be too late. I won’t allow this to happen. Not when I’m ready to take this risk for you. 

Renjun went backstage as fast as he could but he saw the other girls were already there. He tried to push past them but they all glared at him and told him to get in line. 

“I’m sorry I really just need to—”

“You’re not the only one who wants to see them, Get in line!”

They were all hostile and if Renjun tried to push past them again, they would not hesitate to use their perfectly manicured nails as a weapon. Just when he was about to turn on his heels to leave, he felt a presence behind him. Their bodies were so close together, he could feel the person’s chest against his back. And that cologne could only belong to one person.

“Renjun?”

Renjun turned around and came face-to-face with Jeno. “Do you have a moment? It’s urgent,” he said, the hands inside the pocket of his coat tightening around the keychain.

“Of course.”

Renjun seized Jeno’s wrist and dragged him to a place where the girls wouldn’t overhear what they had to talk about. He even heard them complain.

Every misunderstanding had been cleared. All they had to do was to muster up the courage to say what they felt out loud.

This is it. This is the moment.

“The performance was great. I really enjoyed it,” Renjun began. “I never thought you’d look cool on stage. You always look like you’re clueless with your surroundings.”

Jeno laughed at that. “Thanks, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It’s a compliment!”

“If you make it so.”

They went back to being silent again, unsure of what to do next since their hearts were thumping inside their chests. Now that Renjun got Jeno alone with him, he was tongue tied. He had so much to say and nothing at the same time.

“Fuck this shit,” Renjun murmured.

“Are you mad at me?” Jeno asked. “I’m sorry—”

He was surprised when Renjun shoved something in his hands. When he looked at it, it was a puppy keychain—very similar to the one he gave to Renjun. And there was also a rolled yellow paper attached to it.

“You saw it…” Jeno said.

“How can I not see something bright as orange?” Renjun rolled his eyes.

Jeno nervously opened the note, his hands shaking.

“Slap me. I must be dreaming.”

Renjun didn’t need to be told twice. He slapped Jeno across the cheek but not forcefully enough to make his head sharply whip to the side. It was more like a tap to wake him up and prove he wasn’t dreaming.

“It’s real.”

“Of course, it’s real! I didn’t go through all that trouble just for you to think that—”

He didn’t finish his sentence when Jeno pulled him and squeezed into a tight hug.

“I like you for a long time now. Don’t expect me to let go after being smitten by you all these years.”

“It’s not like I’m going to let you. And… I like you very much, Jeno. So damn much.”

Renjun pulled away from the hug and Jeno whined.

“You better be prepared, Jeno Lee. This isn’t going to be an easy path.”

“Nothing’s ever easy, Renjun. But if it’s worth all the pain then bring it on.”

“It feels so nice hearing those words from you.”

“It would be nicer if we could make it last.”

And they did. They had been in love for seven winters now and it still felt like it was yesterday. Of course, it wasn’t perfect but they strived to be better every day and make it work. While Renjun was typing on his laptop and Jeno was cooking in the kitchen with their three fat cats meowing for food in their newly bought house, his eyes landed on the bright yellow tulips made of paper arranged meticulously in the vase. Renjun could still remember Jeno’s words seven years ago when Jeno gave it to him on their first date.

“That way, they will last forever.”