Archive of Our Own

From the office of the Seventh Hokage:

It has come to the Hokage’s attention that there are concerns in Konoha regarding Orochimaru’s more frequent appearances in the village. Therefore, he and his advisors have decided to address these concerns by creating a list of guidelines for Orochimaru to abide by while in the village. The list will be sent to Orochimaru, so he is aware of the situation.

Note: this list is subject to change at any time, as needed.

• Orochimaru is to refrain from referring to other villagers as “extra lives.”
• Or “upgrades”
• Or "Plan B"
• OR “respawn points”
• In the event someone says “[Expletive] you” to Orochimaru, Orochimaru is to refrain from replying “you wish.”
• He is also not to reply with “I’m out of your league, babe.”
• Or “don’t threaten me with a good time.”
• Or “buy me a drink first.”
• If someone tells Orochimaru to “bite me,” Orochimaru will not actually bite the other person.
• No, this does not apply if it’s a sex thing. Why did you need to ask?
• Orochimaru is not allowed to ask “but what if it’s a sex thing” about anything on this list.
• At Sasuke’s request, Orochimaru is to remain at a three five-meter distance from Uchiha Sarada at all times without one of her parents present.   
• You know why. Stop asking.
• Orochimaru is not to deface the grave of the Third Hokage. While the Seventh is well aware of the tension between him and the Third- it’s an eyesore.
• Orochimaru is also not allowed to booby-trap the area around the Third’s grave.
• He is also not allowed to deface the Third’s likeness on the mountainside. C’mon, that’s just immature.
• This includes drawing penises on his face. This is the third time this MONTH.
• Yes, even if it’s funny. ESPECIALLY if it’s funny.

[Addendum: Sai is not to encourage such behavior by praising the graffiti’s “anatomical accuracy.]

• • No matter how true such a statement is, Orochimaru is not allowed to yell “Shimura Danzo is a bitchass motherfucker.” Nor is he to say that Danzo “pissed on my fucking wife.” You don’t even have a wife.
  • Though the Hokage acknowledges the resemblance between the two of them, Orochimaru should refrain from referring to Sai as his “brother from another mother.” It makes Sai very uncomfortable.
  • Orochimaru is to stop referring to Mitsuki as his “science baby”
    • Or telling people Mitsuki is “custom made.”
      • No, it doesn’t matter that it’s true.
  • Orochimaru is not to say “I ship it” when he sees Mitsuki and Sarada together.
    • Or Mitsuki and Boruto
      • Or any of Mitsuki’s other friends. No, it doesn’t matter how cute they look together.
        • Or Sasuke and the Hokage.
          • No it doesn’t matter that we have a thing. You stop that.
  • In light of [incident redacted], Orochimaru is not to mention Uchiha Itachi if Sasuke is within earshot.
    • He will also not refer to Itachi as “the cuter brother.”
      • If he fails to refrain, Sasuke has made it very clear that he will “[expletive] kill that [expletive][expletive] and shove his [expletive] up his own [expletive]”
        • Haruno Sakura wishes it to be stated, for the record, that she will “help hide the body.”
          • In fact, Orochimaru is not to mention Uchiha Itachi while in the village at all.
  • At the Hokage’s request, Orochimaru will not refer to Namikaze Minato as a “homewrecker.” He took your job, not your girlfriend. Chill out.
    • No. it’s not as funny as you think.
  • Orochimaru is not allowed to give peanut butter to Kurama.
  • Orochimaru is not to tell Kakashi “I [expletive]ed your dad”
    • It doesn’t matter if you did or not.
      • Orochimaru need not inform us that he did, in fact, engage in sexual relations with Hatake Sakumo. Or anyone else, for that matter.
  • In the event that Inuzuka Kiba attempts to talk to him, Orochimaru will not respond by barking.
  • While it’s an understandable inconvenience, Orochimaru should not attempt to kill anyone just because they’ve tried to kill him. He should remember that he’s pissed off most of the village population, and try to be understanding.
    • The Hokage would appreciate if Orochimaru would report the incident through the proper channels, rather than resorting to murder straight away.
      • “Violence may not be the answer but life is multiple choice” is not an excuse for breaking this rule.
        • Clever figure of speech though.
          • Nara Shikamaru is no longer allowed to make edits to this memo.
  • If an aspiring ANBU asks Orochimaru for career advice, that advice should not be “just become a stripper instead.”
    • Even if being a stripper “pays better, and has a less unsavory clientele.”
      • Doesn’t matter if it’s true.
        • This IS true though.
          • Orochimaru is NOT allowed to make edits to this list.

• Despite the rumors, the old Uchiha compound is not haunted. Orochimaru should not perpetuate this rumor to the children in Konoha.
• Orochimaru will also not say the Uchiha massacre was “just a prank, bro.”
• ESPECIALLY if Sasuke is anywhere nearby.
• Orochimaru will not hang Uzumaki Boruto upside down from a tree, and leave him hanging there until he apologizes.
• Or anything else for that matter. 
• No matter what names he called you.
• No, it doesn’t matter that “the little [expletive] deserved it.”
• The Hokage would like to state for the record that “He probably did deserve it,” however.
• “For Science!” is not a justification for anything.
• Neither is “for shits and giggles.”
• Orochimaru and Tsunade are not allowed to be drunk at the same time, at the same bar.
• Or the same building in general.
• That includes Tsunade’s apartment.
• Finally, Orochimaru is to get the proper permissions before accessing classified archives. We have rules for a reason, guy.

Failure to abide by these rules will result in the Hokage seriously reconsidering Orochimaru's pardon. He would do well to take these guidelines to heart before getting in trouble again.