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“Is this kind of heavy snow normal in Izumo?” Ash asked while watching the endless snowfall. The snow blew through the streets so powerfully; it was impossible to make out anything else. You couldn’t even see the people on the sidewalk or the houses on the other side of the street.
It was a Saturday, and they had planned a trip for the weekend but had to cancel their plans because it had started snowing heavily. The weather forecast expected the snowstorm to continue the whole weekend and advised everyone to stay home if they could. Cars were stuck in the snow on highways, several thousand homes were left without power, and many people had been injured. The snow accumulated up to several meters and brought Japan to a standstill.
“Yes and no. We do have snow here every year, but usually, it’s snowing a few inches. A snowstorm like that is unusual for this region. I guess we have no other option than to stay home. At least, we don’t have a power outage and enough food, and my family is safe, too, so everything is fine.”
Ash let out a deep sigh and moved towards Eiji. “Yes, you’re right. I just looked forward to our trip. But it can’t be helped.”
“Let’s just stay home and bake some Christmas cookies.”
“It’s barely December,” Ash reminded him, always the voice of reason. “And didn't you just bake cookies last week?”
“So? Snow always gets me in the mood for Christmas, and baking is my favorite activity in winter.” Eiji pouted at him. “And the cookies are already gone. I gave some to my family and ate the rest for dessert. Since you didn’t want any.”
”Look, Jessica and Michael are doing the same. They’ve just sent us a photo. “Doesn’t it look cute?” He smiled happily at him. He showed him a picture on his tablet of a gingerbread house with Michael and Jessica in the background. Michael was smiling brightly, proudly holding the house into the camera. Ash sat down on the couch next to him to take a closer look at the photo.
When seeing Michael, Ash’s face softened, and a small smile lit up his features. Ash loved Michael and had a soft spot for him. Michael told everyone Ash was his big brother. Ash felt the same, although he was too stubborn to admit that. When he called Max, he often spoke to Michael, too, who really looked up to Ash. He always called Ash his hero, which made Ash so uncomfortable it was cute because a faint blush spread across his cheeks. Ash’s voice always softened a lot when talking to him, and he smiled at Michael’s ramblings and often sent him little gifts from Japan.
“Michael or the house?” Ash asked teasingly. “What are those things called again? Gingerbread houses?”
“Both, of course. And yes, that’s what they’re called. Do you want to make one with me? It will be fun!”
“Eiji, I’m not a little kid like Michael.” Ash rolled his eyes and shook his head as if that would be the most ridiculous idea he had ever heard of. Eiji, used to his blunt remarks, wasn’t fazed by this at all.
“I wanted to make some for my family and me anyway. Jessica sent me her recipe for it some weeks ago. As you can see, she made some with Michael.”
Eiji had tried to convince Ash to bake with him, but Ash had always rejected the idea. He was still convinced that his hands were tainted by all the blood they had shed. That they would never be able to create something beautiful. Yet, Michael’s gingerbread house granted him an opportunity. For the first time, he saw curiosity and wonder in his eyes. Maybe Michael reminded him of his childhood with Griffin and a time where he had been happy and carefree.
So, this time, he would talk Ash into baking with him. He desperately wanted to prove Ash wrong, demonstrate to him that his hands could do more than destroy but to create and give life as well. Ash, however, was so stubborn that this wouldn’t be an easy task.
He knew that Ash was a great artist. He was really skilled at drawing and often drew little scenes of them or people he loved. Yet, he had never shown them to Eiji and only drew them in secret when he wasn’t around. Eiji had only discovered his talent when he had found some of the sketches in a book Ash had convinced him to read. He had wanted to ask him about them, but he hadn’t found the courage to do so yet. He was too worried that if he did, Ash would stop. He knew it was a way to help him recover, to process everything he had gone through, so it was therapeutic for him. Still, Ash was stubborn as hell, so he wouldn’t tell Eiji until he felt comfortable enough to do so on his own.
“So, you’re saying you can’t do it? I mean, it’s for little kids, right? A genius with an IQ of 180 could do that in his sleep, right?
“Is that a challenge?” Ash’s eyes changed to an intense jade green as he stared at him provocatively, arms crossed.
“Yes, it is. Baking Christmas sweets is not for kids.” Eiji insisted, glaring at him. “It requires baking skills as well as artistic sense. Eye for detail, for beauty and aesthetics. And craftsmanship for the construction.”
“Besides, your eyes tell me something different. They look curious. You’ve been staring at the photo for several minutes now.” When Ash remained silent, neither confirming nor denying it, Eiji asked him another question he was curious about.
“Have you ever made one? Maybe with your brother Griffin?”
“No. We usually just made Christmas cookies together. Maybe because I was too small for that? Making a gingerbread house looks kind of complicated with all the decorations.” Ash pointed to the photo with Michael again.
“There’s even a garden and a snowman. It looks so beautiful. How do you construct such a house? And the roof? Why doesn’t it fall apart? And how do you paint the roof and apply all the little sweets and ornaments? How do you add the different colors?”
It was so cute how Ash was rambling, the questions flowing out of him before he could stop them, the nerd trying to understand the logic behind it. Eiji practically heard the cogs and wheels in his brilliant mind turning, trying to come up with a construction manual but failing. It was funny to watch because Ash stared at it as if it was his new science project. However, his smile faded when Ash added the last part in a more serious tone of voice.
“That’s impossible for me. I could never create something that beautiful. I probably would destroy it in the process.” Ash’s eyes darkened, and he lowered the gaze, staring at his hands with so much sadness it broke Eiji’s heart.
Eiji didn’t like the way Ash looked at his hands. It was as if Ash still saw the blood covering his hands, then dripping on the floor. He realized it would take time to forgive himself and come to terms with his past. That was what had inspired the idea to make some gingerbread houses together with Ash. That way, he’d see that his hands could also create beauty and art. He hoped it would be an excellent way to learn that his hands were capable of creating things instead of destroying, of giving life instead of ending lives.
“If Michael can do it, so can you. All you need is a little assistance and guidance, that’s all,” he said, trying to encourage him.
“I don’t think I can do that. Creating something so fragile and perfect. Someone like me could never create ...”
Eiji took both of Ash’s hands in his, which made Ash suddenly look up at him.
“How do you know that your hands can’t create beauty if you’ve never tried it before? Besides, your hands have always protected me, saved me, and healed me. I’ve always felt safe in your arms. This is our new beginning, Ash. It’s not about who you once were. It’s about who you are right now and the person you have the potential to be. So please try something new. Together with me, ok? Please?”
A small smile lit up Ash’s face, then he slowly nodded. “Maybe you’re right…”
He looked up at him with lingering sadness in his eyes. Yet, this time it was a different kind of sadness followed by a small but still saddened smile. Ash’s gaze intensified while he looked into his eyes. Eiji saw the different emotions struggling to gain the upper hand. In the end, he sighed and apologized to him, much to his surprise.
“Sorry, Eiji, now I’ve destroyed your cheerful Christmas mood.”
“My love for Christmas is indestructible, don’t worry,” Eiji assured him, grinning.
“It’s not that hard to create a gingerbread house. The hardest part is probably gluing the walls of the house and the…”
“Wait, you use glue to form the house? I thought you were supposed to eat that.” Ash interrupted him, wrinkling his nose in disgust.
Eiji burst out laughing until tears streamed down his face, leaving Ash completely stunned. “How can your IQ drop from 180 to 0 within two seconds? Of course, we don’t use real glue, my American idiot but royal icing.”
“Royal what?” Ash asked in confusion, completely lost. Eiji ruffled his hair and grinned at him.
“You're cute if you're so clueless and innocent. Makes me look smarter for once. I bet even Michael would know what royal icing is.”
“Whatever,” Ash pouted and stubbornly turned away. Eiji put an arm around him and pulled him closer.
“Ash, I was just teasing you. It’s mostly sugar, so it’s edible. Some houses can be eaten, and some are only for decoration. It depends on how you make them.”
“Oh. But how do you make them? The recipe sounds like it would take a lot of time. The list of ingredients is two pages long,” Ash complained while scanning the list of ingredients that Jessica had sent him.
“That’s because you need to make three recipes. One for royal icing, which is the glue we need to instruct the house. Another one is for buttercream, which we’ll use for decorating the house with snow. And the third recipe is for making the gingerbread dough. So, you’re right; it will take some time. But you’re lucky. I’ve already made the royal icing for gluing the parts of the houses together and the buttercream for the decorations while you were still sleeping. They’re in the freezer and the refrigerator. All we have to do now is make the dough for the gingerbread now. After making the dough, it needs to rest in the refrigerator for three hours. We have enough time on our hands. We’re snowed in. And since I wanted to make some for my family, I’ve already bought all the ingredients.”
“Ok, then let’s do it. You have my undivided attention. I don’t have any more books to read.” He smirked at Eiji, a mischievous spark in his eyes.
“You’re impossible!” Eiji grinned, smacking him lightly on the back of his head.
They went into the kitchen and checked the recipe. “Let’s start with collecting all the ingredients for the dough. I’ve already set them aside because I wanted to make some for my mom and sister over the next few days.
“Can you take the butter and the eggs out of the fridge?” Eiji asked while placing all the ingredients on the counter in front of them. They needed flour, baking soda, ground ginger, cinnamon, and allspice for the Christmas flavors, salt, unsalted butter, light or dark brown sugar, large eggs, dark molasses, and water.
Ash stared at all the ingredients with wide eyes. “What are all those?” he asked, looking at the spices. He took the ground cinnamon.
“Smell it. Can you guess it?” Ash sniffed at it.
“Cinnamon?”
“Yes, you’re right. The one next to it is ginger. And the other one is allspice. It adds some other spices to the mix. Can you mix all the spices? Just whisk the flour, baking soda, ginger, cinnamon, allspice, and salt together in a large bowl. I’ll beat the butter and brown sugar together with a mixer on medium speed until completely smooth and creamy. That should take about 2 minutes.
“Yeah, sure. Eiji let him see the recipe Jessica had sent him and pointed to the right step. Ash read it thoroughly, then concentrated on putting the right amount of all the ingredients into a bowl. It was adorable how hard he was concentrating while pushing the glasses up his nose now and then. He carefully measured each amount and put it into the bowl. Eiji watched him initially, then saw that Ash didn’t need his help and began mixing the butter and brown sugar.
When he was done, he stopped and saw that Ash was also finished.
“Well done. Set the spices aside for a moment. We’ll need them in a few minutes. He beat in the eggs, and Ash added the molasses and water on Eiji’s instructions. Now, you take the mixer. Switch it to high speed.”
“What? I can’t! I’ve never used a mixer in my life!”
“Ash, relax. This isn’t an experiment in quantum physics, ok? Just move the mixer around in circles and try to reach all parts of the bowl and the dough.”
“But - “
Eiji felt slightly guilty, but it was so funny how scared he looked, his face paling when he grabbed the mixer with trembling hands while casting an anxious look back at him. Eiji placed a hand on Ash’s. He was holding the mixer so tightly his knuckles had turned white, but at Eiji’s touch, Ash’s whole posture and his grip immediately relaxed.
“Let’s do it together, ok?” Ash nodded, a small smile visible on his face. “Grip the bowl with the other hand so it can’t move. Please don’t come close to your hand with the mixer. And don’t let go of the bowl no matter what.” He placed the other hand next to his on the edge of the bowl.
“Ready? I’ll switch it on.” Eiji switched the mixer on, first at a slow speed, then, as Ash got used to its movements, he changed it to the highest speed before placing his hand on the bowl again. Ash was concentrating so hard, a deep frown on his forehead, that Eiji couldn’t help but smile, then after a minute, he moved Ash’s hand a bit, leading it to scrape down the sides and up the bottom of the bowl, too and to combine all the ingredients.
“I’m going to let go for a moment. I need to add the spices.”
Ash nodded, signaling him that he had understood, and slowly continued beating the ingredients until they were all mixed well. Eiji put the mixer on low speed and slowly added the spices Ash had finished before.
“Keep going while I slowly add the spices, ok?” Ash nodded, and Eiji added small amounts until the bowl was empty. Ash continued and slowly mixed the dry ingredients into the dough.
“Great! Now, you can stop.” He switched the mixer off.
“Is it normal that the dough is so thick? Have I done something wrong?”
“No, it’s perfect. The dough is supposed to be very thick, don’t worry.”
“Ouch. My wrist hurts. I’d never thought mixing some ingredients was such hard work. I think I’ll appreciate your cooking and baking efforts even more from now on,” he exclaimed, moving his hand in a circular motion to ease the pain.
“Yes, if the dough is that thick, your hand will hurt from the effort. It will go away after a moment, though. You’re fine, right?”
“Yes. So, what now?”
“We divide the cookie dough in half and flatten it into two discs.” Eiji took half of the dough, formed it into a ball first and flattened it into a disk of about 5 inches in diameter with his hands, then wrapped it tightly in plastic wrap. Ash watched him and copied his movements, then wrapped his part of the dough in plastic wrap, too.
“Now, we’ll let it chill in the refrigerator for 3 hours. “Then we can continue.”
___________________
“Did you know that the practice of making gingerbread houses originates in Germany during the 1800s? As gingerbread was already used to make different art forms, German bakers developed their creation inspired by a very popular fairy tale written by the Brothers Grimm called “Hänsel and Gretel,” Ash asked him while browsing through the different entries online.
“In the story, two children are abandoned in a forest by their parents before discovering an edible house made of bread and sugar, which a witch uses to lure and trap children. Bakers took descriptions of this house from the story and began creating their own version of a gingerbread house. This would be most popular during Christmas, as it was commonplace tradition to consume ginger snap cookies around this time as well.”
“I did know the first part but not the one about the fairy tale,” Eiji admitted, looking up from a stack of photos. “But I knew that you’d look up the history of this tradition for sure. The roots were discovered in ancient China, though. But only after its arrival in Europe, people started creating cookies and other things with it.”
He was working on a photo book of their first six months in Japan that he wanted to give to Ash for Christmas. He tried to select the best photos for that. When Ash was reading, he could wrap Ash’s presents right under his nose; Ash wouldn’t notice anyway. He was too immersed in his books. When reading, Ash left behind his human shell while his soul was diving into fictional worlds.
Of course, Ash, the hopeless bookworm, spent the remaining time reading about gingerbread traditions and Christmas sweets in different cultures. Since his love for books was infinite, he always read them at an insane speed that Eiji could never pull off. So, he quickly ran out of books. Then, without any books left, he picked up his favorite ones again or started reading articles online instead. Eiji had to grin at his nerdy boyfriend, who absorbed any knowledge he could find and lectured him about his newly acquired knowledge later on. He loved Ash’s smart talks even if he couldn’t always keep up with the vast amount of knowledge. He wasn’t a genius, after all, but just an ordinary human. Still, he continuously found new things he could teach Ash as well.
While Ash was still reading, he opened the freezer and took out the buttercream, the royal icing, and the dough he had already prepared for his family to unfreeze all of them. Before they started, Eiji preheated the oven to 350°F and lined three large baking sheets with parchment paper for the gingerbread shapes.
Then, he called Ash and took the two disks of dough out of the refrigerator. He rolled out one in between two pieces of parchment paper with a rolling pin and instructed Ash to do the same with the other one.
“Why do we put the dough in between parchment paper?” he asked curiously while watching him.
“That’s because the gingerbread cookie dough will stick to the counter no matter how much we flour it, so parchment is the best option. Roll it out to about 1/4 inch thick. We want thick pieces for your gingerbread house so it doesn’t fall apart.”
Ash nodded in understanding while copying Eiji’s movements, biting his lower lip in deep concentration.
“That’s great. Now, we’ll lightly flour the underside of the gingerbread house template shapes. See, I’ve created some shapes for the house's walls and the roof. The dough is still sticky, and the paper will stick to it otherwise.”
Ash nodded but looked at him in confusion when he handed him not a knife but something else to cut out the shapes.
“What’s that? Isn’t that for pizza?”
Yes, it’s a pizza cutter, but it’s the perfect tool for cutting through the dough. Now, carefully cut the dough into the gingerbread house template shapes. Since you’re smart, I don’t need to tell you that we need two walls of each shape, right?”
Ash didn’t honor this with a comment and just rolled his eyes at him.
When they had cut out the necessary shapes, they placed them on the baking sheets, all of them about 3 inches apart. The surface had to be flat, or the gingerbread house edges would very slightly curl up, so Eiji made sure to put them away from the edges of the baking sheet.
Eiji added some more shapes for the houses he wanted to build for his family and added them.
“What about the rest of the dough?” Ash asked curiously when he had placed all the necessary shapes on the baking sheets.
“Form some other shapes you like.”
“Like what?”
“Anything you can think of. Like this. He formed a snowman. And a cat with tufted ears.”
“A lynx! Isn’t it cute?” Eiji asked happily with sparkling eyes. Ash had to grin.
“Yes, it is. You even added tufted ears.”
“Let me try, too.” He formed a star and a Christmas tree.
“Wow, you’re pretty good. The star looks great, and the Christmas tree is a nice addition. You’re really good at that.” Ash blushed as he always did when he praised him. It was so endearing. Even his ears turned slightly red.
“Then, how about this?” Ash asked, showing him a little bunny.
“The bunny and the lynx, huh? Adorable.” He smiled fondly at him.
“A bunny and a lynx can never be friends,” Ash suddenly muttered in a low voice.
“Where does that come from?” Eiji asked, alarmed by his tone of voice.
“Oh, sorry. Never mind. It just reminded me of something that Blanca said to me. That a bunny and a lynx can never be friends.”
“Well, he’s right,” Eiji simply said, taking Ash entirely by surprise.
“Huh? Are you fucking serious, Eiji?” Ash’s eyes had widened in shock, and all color had drained from his face.
“Of course. We can never be friends. We’ve always been so much more than that—soulmates, kindred spirits, connected by unconditional trust and love. Our fates have always been tangled and intertwined. We share such a deep bond that friendship wouldn’t be a word powerful enough to describe it. We each share half of our soul and our heart. Only if we’re together, we’re complete and become one—two lost souls sharing one fate. So, we could never be friends. Right?” He gave him his most angelic smile, then winked at him.
Ash stared at him incredulously, speechless for once, then wiped a tear away that had rolled down his face.
“Eiji, sometimes, you’re killing me, you know that? I nearly fainted when you said that Blanca was right. Especially when I saw in your eyes that you truly meant that. Don’t do this to me.” He leaned on Eiji’s shoulder, and Eiji put an arm around him and pulled him closer.
“Sorry about that. But you should have known better. When will you finally come to terms with us being in a relationship and accept that I love you just the way you are?” Eiji scolded him, then softly kissed him.
“But I'm curious. What did you reply to him back then? To Blanca, I mean.”
“That I’m happy now, and I can’t believe how lucky I am. That I won’t give that feeling or you up even if it leads to my destruction.”
“Ash… I don’t know what to say… I’m so glad you survived, and you’re still by my side.” He gently kissed him on his cheek. Ash put his arms around him and held him close. “Thank you, Eiji. For everything. For being by my side and baking stupid gingerbread houses with me.”
Eiji slowly pulled out of the hug and dipped his nose. “I wanted to prove to you that you can create beautiful things, too. But someone as stubborn as you wouldn’t just believe me. You always have to see and discover things for yourself to be finally convinced.”
Ash nodded and smiled softly at him. “So, what are we gonna do now?”
“We put the baking sheets in the oven for 18 - 20 minutes or until they are golden brown.”
After 20 minutes, they removed the gingerbread shapes from the oven and at the baking sheets on the counter to allow the shapes to cool completely. When Ash wanted to remove them, Eiji stopped him by gripping his hand.
“Don’t touch them, Ash. They have to cool down first. If you move them now, they’ll fall apart.”
“Ok. How about you tell me what we’ll do after they’ve cooled down?”
“We have to select a base for our gingerbread houses like a wooden board or a huge plate. It has to be flat without any edges.”
“How about these?” Ash asked, who had found two round plates with Christmas symbols stanced in around the edges. They were big enough, and the symbols were an excellent addition to getting in the mood for Christmas.
“Yes, they’re perfect. When the pieces have cooled down, we’ll start with two pieces: the front of the house and one side. We use royal icing as the glue and carefully put them together. They’ll need one hour until the “glue” dries. Only then, we’ll continue and put the roof on top. Then, we’ll decorate it with buttercream for the roof and add little details.”
“Like what?” Ash asked, inspecting all the different sweets and decorations Eiji had put at the side of the kitchen counter. “What are all these?”
“These are just a few ideas for decorating. Gumdrops, M&Ms, candy canes,
sprinkles, little marshmallows, and coconut for freshly fallen snow. I have more if you’d like. Like food pens for writing or drawing something on top.”
“There’s even more?” Eiji grinned. Ash’s eyes sparkled like emeralds while he looked at all the different sweets in awe. He looked like a little kid in a toy store.
“Now, we can start. First, put the plate as the base in front of you, then take one small and one bigger side of the house’s walls. It doesn't matter which side you start with. Using this squeeze bottle with royal icing, we’ll run a thick line of royal icing on one long edge and one short edge of the side of the house piece. Stick it to your base. We have to use something to help it stand up. Like a support beam. Like these snack bag clips or something similar. You can also prop it up with soda cans, a tall cup, or a water bottle.”
Eiji did what he had just explained to Ash and glued the two sides together, then used the clips to support the walls while Ash watched him with rising interest.
“It looks so easy when you do it. But it’s probably much harder for me.”
“It’s fine. Just be careful with the shapes and put a lot of icing on them. It’s better to use too much than too little. It doesn’t matter if the royal icing is visible from the outside. Wanna try?”
“Yes.” Ash took the icing bottle and applied it on one side of each wall, then tried to stick them together. Eiji watched him and gave him some tips. When he was nearly done, Ash’s hand slipped, and suddenly one of the walls broke in half.
“Fuck!” Ash cursed loudly. “I knew it! My hands can’t create anything! All they know is how to destroy things!” Then, he stormed out of the kitchen and shut the door with a loud bang. Eiji immediately ran after him and grabbed his wrist.
“Ash, wait!”
“Let go of me!” Ash’s eyes were burning dangerously as he glared at him, yet Eiji still saw the deep hurt in his eyes. His soul was crying, and tears pricked at his eyes.
Eiji did let go. But only to hug him instead, clinging to him. Tears streamed down his face, and he felt how his body started shaking. His hands were gripping his back so hard that it would probably leave marks on Ash’s back. Even so, he wouldn’t loosen his arms around him. He had the feeling that if he let go now, he’d lose him forever. That he’d leave and never come back. Even if there was a snowstorm raging outside.
“Ash, don’t leave! What you said isn’t true.”
He felt how Ash slightly relaxed. However, he didn’t hug him back or move towards him, still standing there, frozen up with clenched fists. Eiji suddenly noticed that his hands were trembling. Maybe that’s why his hand had slipped?”
“Of course, it’s true. And I made you cry again. I only bring you suffering and make you cry. You deserve someone better, Eiji. Not a troublemaker like me,” Ash tried to wipe his tears away, but they continued to flow down his face.
Eiji gently took his hand. “Ash, I don’t want anyone else. I want you. I only cry because I’m worried about you, ok? Because I love you. Come with me. Please.”
He led him to the couch in their living room and sat down next to him, taking both of his hands into his. When he had touched them, rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hands, they finally stopped trembling. Ash evaded eye contact with him and just stared down at his lap.
“Ash, talk to me, ok?”
“I told you that my hands can only destroy, hurt, and kill. I wanted to believe you when you said that I should try and that I can also create beautiful things like that house. But I can’t! I can only destroy and break things. I’m terrified of myself. What if I’ll break you, too? What if my hands hurt you, too, one day?”
“Ash, stop that.”
Eiji took Ash’s hands and placed his palms on his cheeks. “Your hands have never hurt me. They have protected me so many times. I’ve always felt safe with you, even when surrounded by violence. Your hands are gentle and warm. Still, your hands have never learned how to create things, so it’s only natural that they’re clumsy when they try something new. And you’re smart, so you’re not used to failing. You usually succeed at everything you try at once.”
“But - “
“Let me finish. Your hands were trembling, right? That’s why your hand slipped. You were scared, right? Because you thought that if you can build something beautiful and succeed at it, you could also build a new life here with me in Japan, right? But if you failed, it would mean our new life here would fail, too, and you’d leave me and return to the US. Am I right?”
Ash just stared at him in disbelief, completely stunned, then nodded sadly.
“I thought if I could create something this beautiful and fragile, I could also create a new beginning here with you. That it would be proof that I’d never hurt you again. But somehow, I always make you cry… I bring you misery and pain when all I want for you is to be happy.”
Eiji smiled at him and gently wiped his tears away, then caressed his cheek.
“But that’s the point, Ash. I am only happy with you. You’re my happiness. So, how about a compromise? Why do you always think in black and white? Why can’t there be a middle ground?”
“Like what?” Ash slowly looked up at him. A deep sadness still overshadowed his eyes, but a tiny spark had flashed through them for a moment and had lit up Ash’s eyes. Hope. It encouraged Eiji to go on.
“Like mending the parts that are broken. Like that house, your heart is broken, your soul has been ripped in two. Even so, you can still mend it. You started healing, Ash, slowly but steadily. Your broken self is slowly mending itself together with time. So, just mend the house together, too. You can mend the two parts of the wall back together, too. You’ll still see the rip, and it will always leave a scar behind. However, the actual wound or rip will fade away over time. It will be replaced with happier memories. So, the wall’s rip will be covered by the snow’s purity and will pale over time. So, figuratively speaking, the house is your broken soul, the glue is your healing process, and the decoration on top is the new, happier experiences and memories you’ve made.”
“That sounds so easy if you say it like that. Still, I love the image. Since when are you so good at allegories?” He smiled sadly at him, then leaned on his shoulder.
“Since I spent my time with a hopeless bookworm who slowly talked me into reading more.” Then, he leaned closer as well.
“Healing is never easy. It will take time; it will be hard, frustrating, and terrifying.
It will be a slow process and require taking baby steps and moving on from one day to the next. But you’re not alone, Ash. We’ll do it together. I’ve also seen some terrible things in New York that reappear in my nightmares. But we’ll always have each other, ok? So, don’t just decide to leave me on your own. What would I do without you, you idiot? A life without you in it is meaningless.”
Ash finally smiled again, even if it was faint, then hugged him. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you, but I don’t want to leave you. I - I love you.”
“I love you, too, Ash. And just so you know, if you leave in the middle of the night, I’ll look for you. I’ll travel the whole world until I find you. No matter how long it takes. Because I will find you. Always. We’re soulmates, after all. Our souls will always be drawn to each other.”
“You really would. I can see the truth in your eyes.” He smiled softly at him. Eiji saw in his eyes that he wanted to ask him something but was hesitating. So, he didn’t say anything and waited patiently and just nodded in encouragement until Ash continued, a little flustered while fumbling nervously with the string of his hoodie.
“C - can I try again? The house, I mean? Maybe I can repair it.” Eiji beamed at him. That was the answer he wanted to hear.
“Of course, that’s the spirit! I’ll help you and give you some tips.”
They went back to the kitchen. Ash looked at the mess he had made and inspected the wall he had broken, noticing that it was just split in half, as he had told him. He clumsily tried to mend the broken parts back together. His hand still trembled a bit, so Eiji put his arms around him, and he immediately relaxed. After some effort and thanks to Eiji’s tips, he managed to attach both sides back together and then glue all four walls together.
“Well done. Now, fill in the voids with icing to secure the construction further. It looks more regular that way, and if the icing is visible from the outside, it will look like snow.”
Ash followed Eiji’s instructions, and after that, they put the houses and the ingredients on the side to make some dinner together. As Eiji had told Ash before, the houses needed one hour to rest at room temperature before adding the roof.
After dinner, they cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, took the houses, and attached the roof on each side.
“Run a thick line of royal icing on the inside edges of one of the roof pieces and attach it to the base. Hold it in place for a few minutes. Repeat it with the other side. Run a thick line of royal icing where the two roof pieces meet at the top of the house. Hold in place for a few minutes and fill the voids again with icing to make sure it is fixed safely from all sides.
They both did what Eiji had explained. Ash looked at how Eiji did it, then copied his movements. He held the roof in place for a few minutes, then let go and observed it from all sides. Eiji put an arm around him and smiled.
“Great work.”
“Can we decorate it now?” Ash asked him.
“No, we have to wait until tomorrow morning.” Ash looked so disappointed that Eiji explained it to him in further detail.
“Before decorating, the icing on the entire house must set or dry. So, the whole house has to dry at room temperature for at least 3 hours. 4-6 hours or even overnight is even better before decorating. We’ll cover and store leftover royal icing in the refrigerator during this time. We’ll need it tomorrow as glue for adding candies and other sweets to the house.“
“Ok, fine. I guess baking can be a longer process. I didn’t know baking could last several days.”
“There are recipes that are simple and just need 30 minutes. But often, the dough for cake or the icing or other toppings have to chill in the refrigerator for some hours. Sometimes, the cold makes substances more stable or thicker, so you can process them better. It depends on the base you use. If you attach the decoration now, the house could fall apart. But don’t worry, we’ll continue tomorrow.”
_______________________
After having breakfast, they continued, giving the houses the final touch by decorating them. Eiji placed all the different sweets, the royal icing, and the buttercream in front of them.
First, we’ll use buttercream on the roof. You can also add buttercream on the edges to cover up the traces of visible icing. If you move the squeeze bottle in little waves like this, you’ll get a lovely pattern for the roof. Just try to do it evenly, and it will look great. You can also use it as snow on the ground.”
“Wow, that looks perfect,” Ash exclaimed, watching him in pure fascination. “That’s not the first time you do that, right?”
“No, I do that every year because I love the tradition and the houses look beautiful and magical. And it’s a great present because it’s self-made. I really love baking Christmas cakes, cookies, and other things. It’s fun. But it’s even more fun together with you. Anything is.”
Ash’s cheeks flushed bright red before he smiled at him.
“So, I’m not a bother? I’m a hopeless beginner, after all.”
“No, I had fun working on these together with you. And teaching you how to do it. And you looked as if you enjoyed yourself, too.”
“I did. But the decorating part looks the most fun.”
“That’s because it is the most fun. How do you want to decorate it?”
“I don’t know yet. I’ll just watch how you do it first. I’m a bit overwhelmed by all the sweets. Eiji had placed all the different decorations in front of them. Gumdrops, candy canes, sprinkles in different shapes and colors, little marshmallows and coconut flakes, cinnamon sticks, chocolate chips, and icing decorations such as snowflakes, stars, and pearls. There were even some plants that Eiji couldn’t name. It was probably an American custom he was unfamiliar with.
“Fine. I’ll usually add some snow on the ground, then add the Christmas tree and the snowman on one side. Then, I’ll add a door at the front and a window on both sides. The rest is just decoration. You can color the shapes, too. I have food coloring pens in some colors. For the bunny and the star.”
Eiji painted the snowman with royal icing, then painted a carrot nose, a hat, and some black buttons on it. He painted the Christmas tree green and added some Christmas lights and glitter.
Ash tried to do the same with the bunny, painting some eyes and a face on him. He did the same with the star. “Add some sprinkles to the star if you’d like. It would look even better.”
Ash looked for some colorful sprinkles and added them, then painted the edges of the star golden. Then, he hesitated slightly as if looking for something.
“Can I add your lynx to my house? The lynx and the bunny belong together, right?”
“Yes, of course. Here you go.”
Ash colored the lynx and added the pattern of the fur and the facial features. It looked so vivid it was breathtaking.”
“Wow, you’re amazing at this, a real artist. The lynx looks so real it’s scary.”
Ash placed the lynx next to the bunny on one side, then added more snow to stabilize it. He painted a red door on the front and set a holly twig above it.
“What is that plant?” Eiji asked curiously. “Mistletoe?”
“No, dummy. Mistletoe is that one,” Ash pointed to another twig lying in front of them as decoration. It has white berries in the US. It’s a symbol of love, and in ancient times it was considered an all-cure. Why do you even buy decorations that you don’t know?”
“Why not? I have a smart boyfriend; I can ask,” he said, winking at him.
Ash just shook his head at that; still, he was smiling, and his cheeks glowed in a faint pink.
“And some of the items are a present from Jessica. I told her I couldn’t find all the American sweets in Japan, so she helped me out,” he explained patiently.
“And the one you're holding? What’s that?”
It’s a holly twig. It has more spiked leaves, and the berries are red. It’s a symbol for eternity. But be careful; it’s considered bad luck if you bring holly into the house before Christmas Eve.”
Can I add the mistletoe over our heads, then? The lynx and the bunny?”
“Sure.”
Then, Ash added the snow on the roof, trying to do it in even waves. He also added buttercream to the sides of the house where the royal icing was still visible. He added some cinnamon sticks on one side of the roof and covered the snow on the ground with coconut flakes.
“What about the other side of the roof?” Eiji asked curiously.
“That will be a surprise,” Ash added, smiling mysteriously. He added red pearls to the roof, and a green one as the doorknob, then covered the top with chocolate chips and golden stars. He added some red and white gumdrops at the sides. Finally, he attached the star to the roof with royal icing. Eiji stuck the holly twig above the front door.
“Just to be sure that we’ll stay together forever.”
“How will you finish your own house?”
Eiji showed him. He was much faster with applying the decorations. First, he added a bunny and a lynx into the snow, too. Only the lynx and the bunny wore scarves, and a sled was lying next to them. Their faces looked softer since Eiji had painted the eyes bigger like in the anime he so loved.
“Your version of us looks smaller. And why are their heads and eyes so huge?”
“They’re chibis.”
“Huh? What does that mean?” Ash stared at him with a blank look on his face, utterly lost.
“Sorry, it means it’s a specific style of drawing where characters are drawn in an exaggerated way. Usually, they’re small and chubby with stubby limbs and oversized heads. They’re cute, right?”
“Yes, the eyes look so soft. Just like yours.”
On the other side stood a little snowman. He painted a front door in gold and added a red doorknob. He attached a red rose above it and painted the edges of the leaves golden. Then, he added some light blue ice crystals to the roof and some colorful heart-shaped sprinkles. He added a sugar cane to each side of the house and added some light blue and silver pearls on the roof’s top and to the sides of the house. On the ground, he added some star-shaped sprinkles in gold.
“Wow, you’re really fast. You did three houses while I did one. And your roof and paintings look much better. The pattern is more even. It looks perfect.”
“Aaash…” Eiji stretched his name out endlessly, a slight warning lingering in the background, then gave him a knowing glance.
“Don’t look at me like that. All I’m saying is that you’re a pro, and I’m a beginner. But I had fun. Thank you, Eiji.” Ash pulled him closer and kissed him softly.
“What about my surprise? On the roof, I mean?” Eiji asked after the kiss.
“Oh, yes. I forgot about that. Close your eyes for a minute.”
Eiji did so and heard how Ash uncapped one of the food coloring pens.
He secretly wondered why it took him so long. When he opened his eyes again, he understood why Ash had needed so much time. Ash had written something on the roof in golden letters. Not in English but in katakana, a writing system he had just started learning. It looked a bit clumsy, like a grade schooler’s writing, but Eiji beamed at him.
Ash had written on top of the roof:
メリークリスマス (Merry Christmas)
For Ash, writing something in Japanese meant much more than was visible at first glance. There was a compelling and significant message behind it, one that Eiji saw at once. A statement that was difficult to put into words for him. Ash wanted to tell him by using the Japanese writing system that he had decided to stay, that he was finally home, that this was where he belonged. Forever.
Eiji put his arms around him and smiled softly at him.
“おかえり、Ash。”(Welcome home)
Ash stared at him; then tears ran down his face. He pulled him closer and whispered:
“ただいま。” (I’m home)