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A snow-dusted Chicago suburban Christmas. Regina's first in five years. The coating of white frost on her hometown reminded her of the Christmases in her most recent home, Paris -- a sheet of snow illuminated by the Eiffel Tower.
It had taken her five years to come home, but after the magazine she worked for transferred her back to New York City to become the new fashion editor of their American edition, she figured she couldn't put it off another year. Her mom asked every Christmas, telling Regina the only thing she wanted as a gift was to see her eldest daughter, finally. It had always hurt Regina's heart, but over time the muscle had hardened, and it became just a little bit easier to say no. That said, it made her glad to finally be able to say yes. After the divorce and her time away, she was glad her heart was still capable of a little flexibility.
She tried not to think about the fact that the last time she was here, she was still married to Jeremy. They met in journalism school, got married a week after they graduated from undergrad, and moved to NYC together. She was trying to prove something, to herself and others. That she could be the good straight girl. That she could be committed. That she could have a convenient kind of love. They made it through one Christmas before Regina couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't face the reason why she did it, and she told Jeremy they had irreconcilable differences. The truth was that she realized she wasn't interested in men at all.
If it happened to be because she ran into Janis over that last holiday, then that was something she was embarrassed to admit.
She and Jeremy were sweating it out in Cady and Aaron's overheated living room, in their ugly Christmas sweaters per the theme of the party. Jeremy tried to creep his sweaty palm into hers, and she jerked it back before he could, just as Janis and Cady walked up to them. Cady introduced Janis to Jeremy. The two exchanged pleasantries, and Regina tried not to stare at her one true love talking to her husband. It was almost too much seeing them in the same space. Regina couldn't help thinking, not kindly, that Jeremy so paled in comparison to Janis, who positively glowed in Regina's eyes. She never realized just how dull her husband had been all along. She had never been face to face with the thing she'd been running from when she let Jeremy slip his ring on her finger. Other girls, she could just tell herself she was attracted to in a passing manner. With Janis, though, it was more. It was love. It always had been. Even when she had destroyed the other girl's reputation in middle school. Behind it all was the love she'd whispered into a shoebox and buried in the back yard long ago.
Two months later she was filing for divorce. Jeremy begged her to tell him why, but the best she could say was that they didn't see eye to eye anymore. They wanted different things. He wanted Regina. She wanted Janis.
But still, she knew, Janis wouldn't have her. So she ran further. She ran to Europe, more precisely. And after five years of finally living as the lesbian she had always been, in the most romantic city in the world, she still couldn't get her old friend off the brain. If her tastes trended towards the dark and brunette, and maybe a few paint-splattered artists here and there, then sue her. What could she do?
Yeah, she knew it was a high possibility she would see Janis at Kevin G's party that Saturday before Christmas, but she was fine with it. That's what she told herself, anyway. That they were adults and adults could get through one Christmas party without tension. She could be nice. She and Janis had been friends now longer than they had been enemies. All it took was smiles and small talk.
She arrived a fashionable thirty minutes late, limiting the chances that she would ever be left alone with Janis, who could always be counted on to arrive on time. A punctual artist, imagine such a thing, Regina thought with an infatuated smirk. Kevin answered the door. "Regina! Finally. We've all been waiting on you." She shrugged and handed him her coat.
"You know I have to be fashionably late, Kevin."
"I would never underestimate your need to be fashionable." She smiled at him and walked into the living room, where Cady, Aaron, Gretchen and Karen, a few mathletes she recognized, Damian and of course, Janis were standing. Regina caught her breath, drummed up a smile and joined the group she knew, making eye contact and giving a small smile to everyone but Janis. Shit, she still couldn't muster the strength to do that. How was she going to get through this?
Kevin entered, rubbing his hands together. "OK everyone! Welcome to Kevin Gnapoor's Annual Hashtag Balls Out Christmas Dessert Party. It's nice to see you all again. Please eat the fuck out of all of the pies and brownies and cakes I've been baking like a mad man."
"Woo! Cake!" Damian yelled. They all hustled their way to the spread on Kevin's dining room table and helped themselves to the treats, then dispersed into smaller groups. Regina found herself cornered by Cady.
"Regina! What's it like being back in the States?" Cady asked with a big, cheesy grin.
"Oh, it feels just like it always did. No universal healthcare, no paid family leave. Same old regressive paradise." Maybe European politics had rubbed off on Regina a little too hard.
"Yeah! Right!" said Cady, clearly not wanting to get started on that train of thought.
"How have you been?" Regina said, remembering her manners.
They talked for a while as they made their way through plates of sweets, Regina's diet forgotten in high school. Now she was fine with having a little meat on the bones. Changing beauty standards helped, but she felt healthier this way instead of counting to 1200 calories a day and starving herself.
Finally, Regina milled about the room until Damian reached out a hand and grabbed her into a hug. "Reggie! How's it hanging?"
Regina grinned, despite herself. "You know I hate that nickname, Damian. And it's 'hanging' just fine, thanks for asking." She tried to avoid Janis's eye yet again as Damian drew them into a little triangle. Finally, steeling herself, Regina turned her gaze to Janis, shocked to find it trained on her just as intensely. She magaged a small smile. "Janis."
"Regina. How was Paris?"
"Hmm... very Parisian." She smirked. Janis bust out a smile and brushed her hair behind her ear in a way Regina dinged for seeming a bit self-conscious. She couldn't imagine she made Janis nervous. That was unthinkable. It was Janis who made her nervous. "How have you been?"
"I'm working now as the art teacher at North Shore, actually."
"You moved out of the city? What happened?"
"Just sick of paying outrageous rent prices and ready for a 401k and health insurance. I am almost 30 after all. It just seemed like time. Besides, I'm loving it."
"That's good. I'm glad you found something you love." They held each other's gaze, a charged glance, for a cool second.
"Mmkay, well, nobody asked but I'm doing well, too. My boyfriend - you know my boyfriend Chase? - couldn't be here because of work, but he sends his love."
Regina let Damian go on about his boyfriend for a bit while trying yet again to avoid Janis's gaze. Thankfully, Karen eventually stole her away. Karen was the only one who knew her secret - not that she was gay - but that she had been (still was?) in love with Janis. She came out the second she was free of Jeremy. It no longer felt right to hide it after she finally found her way out of an elaborate sham marriage. But she'd told Karen drunkenly in high school, how she smeared Janis's name in the mud to hide the fact that she was in love with her. Karen, for all of her dimwitted faults, was the best keeper of secrets, and drunk Regina couldn't bear it anymore in that moment. She hadn't regretted it. Well, until they got older and Karen asked her about it every time they talked.
"Oh my god," Karen whispered. "I could feel the tension between you two."
"Shut up, Karen," said Regina, pulling her into a good-natured hello hug.
"But seriously, when are you going to make your move? You have the whole holiday to do it. It's the most romantic time of the year!"
"Karen, I've told you before. It'll never happen. She hates me."
"She clearly doesn't hate you. She's been staring at you all night." Regina turned her gaze just a bit to the side, as discreetly as possible, and caught Janis's stare. With a blush, she turned back to Karen.
"Shut up," she reiterated. But was Karen right? Or had that just been a coincidence?
After finally prying herself away from Karen, Regina found her way back to the dessert table. She was choosing between a brownie and a piece of chocolate silk pie when she felt a presence to her right. She smelled her signature scent, immediately registering in Regina's brain: Janis. "What's on the menu?" the woman asked.
"I'm thinking a brownie."
"I'll have one too, then," said Janis. Regina handed her one on a napkin, then chose one for herself. Making shy eye contact, they bit into their treats and chewed.
"These taste a little funny," said Regina.
"Yeah, not bad funny, but... a little herby? I kind of like it."
"Mm, I don't hate it." They finished them in relative silence, a bit tense but still, comforting in its way.
"So, how have you really been?" Asked Janis, brushing crumbs from her sweater.
"Fine. I'm glad to be back in the States."
"Yeah, back to slack voting rights and billionaires not paying taxes and no universal healthcare."
"Right, and no parental leave, student loans..." They shared a smile. "But I'm fine. Getting a little sick of New York already. Remembering why I was clamoring to leave." There was a beat of silence, then, "How are you, Janis? For real."
"Really good. I love teaching. And I'm still doing my own art. Now I feel more enriched. Like, I learn so much from the kids and their creativity. They inspire me."
"I'm so glad for you." They shared a shy smile before Damian called to Janis.
"See you around, Regina."
"See you."
Not long after, Kevin beckoned them into the living room for the Secret Santa gift exchange. Regina had drawn Aaron, and got him a cologne she knew he loved, that he had always worn. As they exchanged gifts, Regina began to feel her body melt into the couch. She felt warm, pliant like rubber. She felt good. Someone handed her a present and the group urged her to open it. It was large and flat, and she ripped it open with clumsy hands to reveal a painting of her beloved childhood dog, Chucky. A tear came to her eye. She knew this had to be from just one person.
"Janis?" She said, gaze shooting up to meet her Secret Santa's. Janis gave her a smile.
"Thought you'd like it."
"It's going up in my apartment immediately. Over my bed. Thank you. So much."
A few more presents got exchanged, but Regina couldn't take her eye off of the painting. She felt eyes on her skin, and suspected they were Janis's, so she stared even more intently at the picture. She saw the colors meld together, swirling on the canvas. It made her dizzy, made her stomach swoop like driving a car too fast down a hill. She didn't realize the present exchange was over until she felt a dip in the couch to her left. She turned to greet the newcomer: Janis. Of course. Everyone around them had walked away to the basement, where Kevin was DJing some new music and the group was dancing. They could feel it pounding through the floor, but still, it seemed quiet just between the two of them.
"Are you OK?" Janis asked.
"More than OK. I'm having a great time. I'm feeling good, too. How about you?"
"Same. Everything just seems so... glowy."
"Glowy?" Regina giggled. "That's not a word."
"Well 'luminescent' then, how about that $10 word?"
"That's a good one," Regina said, and they both laughed. "Thanks again for the gift. The painting. It really means a lot to me."
"I know how much you loved Chucky. Why haven't you had a dog since?"
"Well, I've been on the move so much. You can't put a dog through that," Regina said, ruefully.
"Now that you're back in the U.S., maybe you can indulge in a little pet ownership," said Janis.
"Maybe. What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Do you have a dog or anyone in your life?" Regina winced, knowing it was maybe a bit more personal than she typically got with Janis.
"I had a Justine, but I no longer have anyone, no."
"I'm assuming Justine isn't a beagle?"
"No, Justine is a human woman, but she is a bitch."
Regina smiled at the joke. "I'm sorry that happened."
"It's OK. How about you, anyone? We've established you're dogless."
"And girlfriendless too. As ever." Regina was sure she saw a brief, but satisfied, smile cross Janis's face at that. Curious.
"Good," she said.
"Good?" Asked Regina.
"No, not... not good, but like, good for you. Girlfriends are overrated," she saved herself. Still, Regina thought. Curious.
"Hmm. Not in the winter, when it's cold? There's nothing like waking up next to someone." Was she flirting? It was just happening.
Janis blushed despite herself. "I always forget about you."
"About me?"
"That you're, you know. Gay. Too, that is."
"Well, I'm no Rosie O'Donnell but I can gay with the best of them, I promise," said Regina, with a little giggle meant to disarm Janis, put her at ease.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply--"
"No, it's OK. I get what you mean. I came out and then ran to a different country."
"I'm sure it wasn't exactly like that," Janis said, taking a sip of her cider.
"No, it was. I had to have a new start. It worked, though. I feel, hmm... comfortable in my skin, I guess? Like, five years ago this conversation would've been unthinkable because I would have been up and out the door before it got anywhere. But now I'm OK with it. And I don't know if it's a sugar high or what I'm feeling, but it's OK. You're OK."
"Thanks for that. I thought I really put my foot in my mouth."
"Of course not. It's just between friends, anyway, right?"
"Right," said Janis with a sly smile.
They talked and laughed for a while, sinking further into the couch and nearer to each other. They were reminiscing about high school, and Janis was telling her about the first time she and Damian got drunk. Regina was crying laughing, she felt like she couldn't stop.
"And then he tried to carry the traffic cone home, but it was so big he kept tripping on it. He called it his safety buddy, but it landed him on his face at least five times," Janis finished. Regina's laughter tapered off as she wiped tears from the corners of her eyes.
"God, I remember the first time I got drunk, at a party at Shane's. We played spin the bottle. It was a hot mess."
"I always thought we'd get drunk together our first time," said Janis in an off-handed way, like maybe she didn't recognize she was saying it.
Regina blushed. She had always thought the same, and she said so.
"Then why didn't it happen?" Janis asked rhetorically.
"Because I was a dick," said Regina, answering her question anyway.
"Hmm, true," said Janis with a grin. They held eye contact for a hot minute. Regina could swear she felt Janis's breath ghosting over her face.
But Regina still felt like she owed her more. It was something she had never gotten a real chance to apologize for, not since her drugged out apology when she was in her spinal halo, right after she got hit by the bus. But that surely didn't count.
"I'm so sorry," said Regina.
"It's really OK," said Janis. "I know you were running from your feelings. Besides, I did some awful stuff to you too."
"You're not wrong. About the feelings thing," Regina said.
"I know what it's like coming to terms with your sexuality," said Janis.
"Yeah, but I shouldn't have made it a public spectacle. Not when I felt like I did."
A pause, then Janis asked, "What did you feel?"
Before Regina knew what she was doing, she turned her head away from Janis and said, "That I had feelings for you."
"Oh," Janis quietly uttered. "Like..."
"Like a crush. I lo-loved you."
A shocked silence. Then a shout from the basement door. "Janis!"
"Damian?"
"My boo just called and he's off work. Let's go! I miss my baby."
"OK, I get it." Janis stood, keeping her gaze turned away from Regina. She fiddled with the cinnamon stick in her empty cider glass and asked, "You still have my number, right?"
It took a moment for Regina to realize she was talking to her, but when Damian didn't answer, it hit her. "Oh, yeah. I do."
"Text me if you're going to be in town. We can talk," Janis said, beginning to walk away with a beckoning Damian.
"OK, I will. For sure," Regina said. Janis and Damian left, and she quickly opened up her phone just to confirm that yes, she did have Janis's number. She would definitely make use of that before Christmas. She still couldn't believe what she had told Janis, but maybe it was OK. She couldn't make sense of it, her loose lips. She felt gooey inside, like she would melt if she didn't tell the truth, and maybe she already was melting. Who knew? She slid back into the couch and sipped from her cider as she let the rest of the night pass her by in a haze.
The following day, she got a phone call from Karen. "So," she said. "I saw you and Janis gabbing it up all night."
"It wasn't 'all night.' It was for a while," she demurred.
"Mm-hm. Well, I'm sure you enjoyed it. When are you going to make a move?"
Regina wanted to brush off her words but then... when *was* she going to make a move? Janis had hinted that it might be received well, with her looks and her, dare she call it flirtation? Maybe she was reading far too much into it. "I don't know," she finally said into the receiver, a little soft and shy. "I'm scared."
"Oh, Regina. You don't have to be. I promise it'll be fine. And if it's not, you'll still have me."
"Thanks, Karen. That means a lot. But, you're right. I have nothing to lose, really. And I want her, Karen. I've always wanted her. I tried to fill the Janis-shaped hole in my life with school, with a husband, with work. Nothing fits but her."
"Then I think you know what you need to do," said Karen.
"I told her I used to be in love with her last night," blurted Regina.
"No way! Did she say anything?"
"She left with Damian immediately afterwards. She just told me to call her later, though. I don't know why I did it. I was feeling some type of way."
"It was probably those weed brownies," said Karen flippantly.
"Excuse me, weed brownies?!"
"Yeah, you couldn't taste it? You didn't know?"
"Of course I didn't know. I guess I thought they tasted weird. Well, that must be why I shoved my foot in my mouth last night with Janis," Regina balked.
"Call her. Tell her about the brownies. She'll get it," Karen said.
She was right, and as soon as they hung up, Regina pulled up Janis's contact in her phone. Her thumb hovered over the call button. She didn't feel quite the inexplicable push towards honesty as she felt the night before, but regardless, eventually she pushed the button. It rang like the bell tower overlooking a cemetery.
"Hello? Regina?" Janis answered, finally.
"Yes! Janis?"
"How are you? I'm feeling a little groggy after last night."
"I think I might know why that is," said Regina. "Apparently we ate pot brownies."
"As in marijuana?!" Janis yelped.
"You mean an artist like you isn't smoking up every weekend?"
"Not when she works at a high school!" Said Janis.
"So... I thought that might explain some things..." Regina left it hanging.
"Oh. Yeah, I guess," said Janis. Did she sound disappointed? "So, what'd you need?"
"You told me to call you, so I'm just following up."
"OK." There was a long beat of silence over the phone.
"So... do you want to hang out some time before Christmas? I'm hungry, how about you?" Regina offered.
"Right now? Well, I guess I could eat."
They met up at North Shore Diner a bit later. When Regina ordered fries with her grilled cheese, Janis looked shocked.
"Fries? Regina... fries?" Janis gawked.
"Lay off. I eat fried stuff. I'm not counting carbs anymore."
"No! I'm happy to see it. I never liked watching you worry so much about what you ate. Food should be fun."
"Yeah, well, it was a problem. I was a chronic dieter in high school. Looking back, I was so thin, I had nothing to worry about. It took up so much of my energy."
"Well, get those fries then! Get a milkshake too."
"Maybe I will," Regina grinned.
They tucked into their meals and conversation flowed fairly freely between them. Janis talked about her favorite students and asked Regina about the stories and fashion spreads she had worked on in her magazine. Regina told her what Paris was like, and Janis, eventually, let a little slip about her last relationship with Justine, a girl she knew from a gallery in the city where she had exhibited a few pieces. Regina asked her about her painting, and Janis admitted she got away from it for a while post-breakup, but her students inspired her to get back into it. Now she was painting all the time, just full of inspiration. Regina couldn't be happier for her. But still, she wanted a piece of the life she kept hearing about. She wondered what it would be like to be there in their home when Janis came home from school, telling her all about her day and her students. She wanted to rub the knots from her neck and shoulders after she spent too long painting. She wanted to pick Janis up from parent-teacher conferences and let her bitch about helicopter parents. It was all stuff she had found suffocating with Jeremy, but now she wanted it more than anything, as long as it was with Janis.
"You've changed," said Regina.
"Is that bad?" Janis asked.
"No. It's a good thing. I like you, a lot." She blushed, realizing what she had just said. "You now, that is. Well, I've always liked you, it's just now--"
"It's OK, Regina. I get it. You've changed too. In a good way." She gazed into her milkshake and swirled the straw around. "And I like you too, you know."
Regina's blush deepened, along with her smile. "Remember when you hated me?"
"I don't know if I ever stopped," Janis joked.
"I wouldn't blame you. I was awful to you."
"I was awful to you, too. The Kaltene bars? The foot cream? The candy grams to drive a wedge between you and Gretchen..."
"Wait, what foot cream?"
"We replaced your face cream with foot cream," Janis admitted.
"Huh. I remember smelling extra pepperminty for a while there." She smiled. "And it's no hard feelings, J. I forgave a long time ago. I just hope you can forgive me too."
"You haven't called me that since we were kids," said Janis.
"Oh, well. It's just easier, I guess."
"I missed it."
"Just don't call me Reggie in return."
"Only Damian is allowed to do that." After a moment, she added, "I do, you know."
"Do what?"
"Forgive you." They shared a small, shy glance.
"What are you doing tonight?" Asked Regina. "'The Notebook' is playing at the revival theater. Want to go?"
"Ugh, I hate 'The Notebook.' You like it? It seems too schmaltzy for you," Janis said.
"Yes, I like it! It's romantic."
"It's heteronormative."
"That's... well, you're not wrong," Regina smiled. "But the cast is hot."
"OK, fine. I'll give it a shot," Janis gave in.
"Are you sure? They're showing 'Die Hard' too. Something about it being a Christmas movie."
"Ugh, no thanks. An even worse option. Too bro-ey."
Regina picked her up that night in her rental car, a Land Rover she thought was too big and ostentatious, but that was all they had in the lot. "Ready to be swept off your feet?" Regina greeted her, referring to the movie they were about to see. Janis blushed, though, and held eye contact with Regina.
"Sure," she said quietly. Regina just gulped and gripped the steering wheel at ten and two, eyes back on the road.
They pulled into a packed parking lot. "Good thing I bought tickets online!" Janis crowed.
"You did? That was supposed to be my treat! It was my idea!" Regina argued.
"Just buy the concessions, it's cool. I know this place always sells out showings so I wanted to be prepared." Regina was touched that Janis had the forethought to buy their tickets, and the commitment to their plans warmed her heart.
They bought a large popcorn and two sodas at the snack stand and the usher took their tickets from their buttery fingers. They squeezed down an aisle to sit in two of the last seats available just before the credits started rolling.
The movie went by and Regina barely noticed, too distracted by her fingers brushing against Janis's as they both kept reaching into the popcorn bucket at the same time. Janis seemed like she was enjoying it, though, and Regina swore she saw her eyes glisten during the ending.
"So, what did you think? I think I saw you crying," Regina needled.
"I didn't cry! But I didn't hate it, either. It was... nice. And the actress who played Allie? Hot."
"Oh you like your women much, much older then?"
"No! Not when she was an old lady. Young Allie. Not Grandma Allie on her deathbed. Get a grip," Janis laughed.
"And was it too heteronormative for you?" Regina asked.
"Not too much. Still, would've been better if Noah was Norah."
"I won't argue that. We can go see 'Portrait of a Lady on Fire' next time."
"Yeah, like they'll ever play a French film around here. Do you speak French?"
"Un peu. A little," Regina said. "Enough to get by. Still need subtitles though."
They talked a bit more about their favorite films, and found a mutual undying adoration for "But I'm a Cheerleader." Janis asked if it hit a bit too close to home for Regina, which Regina laughed way too hard at before admitting that yes, the compulsory heterosexuality of her high school experience echoed Megan's a little too well. By the time they got around to "Carol," they were back at Janis's place. "Well, this is me," she said. They sat in a companionable silence for a while, letting the engine hum and "Carol of the Bells" play softly over the radio. "I had a really good time," Janis said.
"Me too," said Regina.
"I have a few extra gifts to buy tomorrow. Want to drive me around town?" Janis asked. While Regina's impulse was to refuse and run away, she appreciated that it was Janis making the effort this time. It made her hope this friendship could be fully consensual instead of one-sided.
"Sure! I could stand to get an extra gift or two for Mom, anyway. She's dropping hints about a white cashmere at Ann Taylor."
"Pick me up at 10?" Janis asked.
"It's a date," Regina said, almost instantly regretting it. Their eyes locked for a moment. Then, Janis slipped her hands around Regina's shoulders, causing the other girl's breath to hitch. She pulled her in and gave her a hug over the console, and Regina swore she felt herself trembling.
"Thanks for tonight," Janis said, then she was gone as fast as that hug had taken Regina by surprise.
"Thank you," Regina said to her door as it closed behind Janis.
The next day, Regina greeted Janis with a smile, a mug of coffee and a boy band playlist. "The North Shore Mall, I presume?" Regina asked.
"Yes, proceed," Janis said with faux regality.
They sang along to N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees as they drove, sang themselves hoarse by the time they reached the mall. "God, this playlist takes me back to middle school," said Janis. That was what Regina had intended, of course. They pushed their way through the crowded mall, picking up a few things here and there. By the time they got around to Pottery Barn, they were exhausted. Regina was doubly exhausted when she saw who was behind the counter. Jason, Gretchen's ex-flame. Trying to avoid his gaze, Regina picked out a nice new bedspread for Kylie with Janis's help. She left Janis to peruse the art canvasses while she went to pay.
"Regina George!" Jason crowed. "Long time, no see. What brings you here?"
"Hey, Jason. Just doing a bit of shopping," Regina said, trying to keep their interaction as short as possible.
"Yeah, I heard you're a lesbian now, right? Is that your girlfriend?" Regina went to answer, but Janis picked the worst time to pop up at her side.
"Do you like this?" She began to ask Regina, referring to a small print she held in her hands.
Too late. "Janis?! You're Regina's girlfriend? I thought you hated each other!" Jason squealed.
Before Regina could deny it, Janis raised her hackles. "Maybe. And what about it, Jason?"
"I just thought you were mortal enemies or something, but now I hear there's mutual carpet munching going on and I'm like... wow! Can I watch?"
Regina stayed quiet, just slid her credit card into the reader, praying this interaction would end. He, thankfully, tendered the transaction and she grabbed her card back.
"Of course you can't watch, you pig. You know, it's men like you who drive me crazy. It's none of your business what we do in bed."
Regina, beet red, interrupted. "Um... babe? We should go." She grabbed her bag and turned to leave, slipping a hand in the crook of Janis's arm and pulling her away.
"Have fun!" Jason called after them. "I bet the makeup sex is amazing, right?"
"Fuck that guy!" Janis said when they were out of the store. "Like he knows what he's talking about."
"Janis, relax. He's an idiot. Always has been."
"He just... he doesn't know anything about us. What we're like. What we're doing." Regina, not for the first time, wondered if perhaps Jason's words just hit a bit too close to home for them, for Janis especially. Was that a bad sign? Or was Janis just a private person? She knew she was; that must be it.
"It's OK. He doesn't need to know," Regina laid a comforting hand on her shoulder, then withdrew it like she was burned, thinking maybe it was too familiar for them still. But Janis reached her hand out and grabbed at Regina's, squeezing.
"Thanks for calming me down. I hate morons like that. All up in my personal business." She dropped Regina's hand. "Let's go. We still have to hit up Ann Taylor for your mom, right?"
They left the mall and trudged home, bone tired from shopping. As they idled outside of Janis's house once more, Regina asked, "Are you going to Aaron and Cady's Christmas Eve party?"
"How could I miss the event of the year?" Janis said.
"At least no ugly sweaters this year, right?"
Janis laughed. "They've been beating that theme to death for years. Now it's just 'holiday headwear.' Got a Santa hat? Oh wait! 'Jingle Bell Rock,' right? Still got the old costume?"
Regina smacked at her. "Stop reminding me. And of course I still have the costume. Doesn't fit anymore but the hat still works."
"Perfect," Janis said. "Well, see you then? I'd offer to carpool but Damian and I made plans to go together weeks ago."
"No, I understand. I'll see you then. Can't wait," Regina said. Janis, apparently one for tacking intimate moments onto their hangouts, reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Regina's ear, smiled once, and got out of the car. Regina sat there for at least five minutes afterwards, trying to process what had just happened, before finally heading home with her gifts, planning to spend the whole night wrapping.
The entire next day passed baking with her mom and Kylie and missing Janis. She thought about calling her but decided she didn't want to smother. Still, the temptation was there. New snow fell on the ground and all Regina could think of was making snow angels with Janis during middle school snow days. She ate her mom's snowball cookies and remembered Janis with powdered sugar on her nose during a Christmas baking session. She sang along with Kylie to "Jingle Bell Rock" and taught her the choreography, but all she could think about was how she mistreated Janis in high school. It made her sad, but in a new way, now that she knew she was forgiven. It was a mistake, the way she treated Janis, but it was all in the past now. It didn't feel like an open wound anymore. It felt like something they had, like adults, worked their way past.
She dug her Santa hat out of storage and primped and prepped for the party, feeling the need to look as hot as possible, quelling the voice that told her she was doing it just for Janis. No, she told herself. I'm doing this for me. It was a lie, though.
She pulled up to Aaron and Cady's house on time, not fashionably late, but then she hoped she would be able to score some alone time with punctual Janis. She wasn't disappointed. Janis's car was the only one there so far. Regina went inside and was greeted by Aaron, who took her coat and ushered her into the kitchen where Damian and Janis were helping Cady pour clear liquor into a red punch of some kind.
"That looks like trouble," she said. Each of them looked up at her in surprise and then, she swore, in delight. It was not a reaction Regina was used to, not even from these, her best friends. Even they usually remained aloof in Regina's presence, as if they were still scared of showing too much weakness around her. Maybe that was changing. She hoped it was.
"I sure hope so!" Said Cady. She capped her bottle and poured Regina a cup. "Drink up!" Regina took a sip and confirmed: this sweet punch was full of alcohol but didn't taste of it, which meant it would be dangerous. She drank more, hoping it would soothe her nerves.
"Help me with these sandwich platters," Janis said. Regina sat her cup down and helped Janis roll up lunch meat into neat little cigars and lay them out on a platter. Their fingers brushed as they reached for the same piece of turkey and Regina knew she saw the other woman blush. Interesting. Maybe it was just the booze.
"There's mistletoe around the house, so watch out!" Said Cady, eyeing them slyly. Regina would have to keep her bearings. It would be nice, but, if she could help it, she'd rather her first kiss with Janis happen naturally, and heaven knows she didn't want to kiss anyone else.
The house slowly filled up with their friends and soon Kevin was hooking his phone up to the speakers and playing a Christmas mix he had DJ'ed together. The walls thudded, but the kitchen stayed quiet enough to talk. Damian, Janis, and Regina all stayed there, pounding back punch with abandon on empty stomachs. They were getting a little sloppy by the time Karen and Gretchen arrived and distracted Damian with their elaborate Christmas fascinators. "Want to go some place quieter?" Janis whispered in Regina's ear. Her stomach swooped, but she nodded. They each filled up their punch glasses again and walked to Aaron and Cady's spare room.
"Did you want to talk about something?" Regina asked as Janis closed the door behind them.
"No, just wanted to talk about anything," said Janis. "With you. We can just talk about whatever. What's your favorite Christmas movie?"
"'White Christmas.' It's timeless and glamorous. I watch it every year. You?"
"Definitely 'A Muppet Christmas Carol," Janis said, deadpan. Regina laughed. "What? I'm being serious. I love the Muppets." Regina just laughed harder, but looked at her friend fondly.
"Have you spotted any mistletoe around the house yet?"
"No, you?" Janis asked.
Regina shook her head. Janis stepped a bit closer, sat her cup on the desk and Regina watched her gulp.
"We don't really need it, do we?" Janis asked.
"For what?" Regina asked dumbly. Janis stepped into her personal space. Oh, thought Regina. Their heads tilted, and then...
"Regina! Janis!" Came a voice at the door. "Dinner time!" Karen burst through the door just in time to see them spring apart. "Did I interrupt something?"
"No! Of course not!" Regina said, pushing her way out of the door before Janis or Karen even knew what was happening. Of course they'd been caught. It felt like she was found with her hand in the cookie jar, like she had been doing something wrong instead of the most right thing she would ever have done. The guilt ate at her, but guilt at what? Being caught? Going in for the kiss in the first place? Being found with Janis, alone? Those seemed like things she thought she was over, but in this fight or flight response, all reason had gone out the window.
Janis sat across from her at the big Christmas Eve dinner table, and tried to catch her eye. Calmer now, Regina met her gaze and shrugged at her questioning glance. Janis looked comforted by it, at least.
They ate and drank and made merry, sharing stories from high school and college. They laughed, giddy from the booze. Regina felt a light pressure on her socked foot - was that Janis's foot? She let it rest there while dinner finished up, a warm glow building in her stomach. As they got up to take their plates to the kitchen, Karen sidled up beside Regina. They passed under the threshold of the kitchen, and, eyes on Janis, Karen gasped. "Regina! Look!" She pointed up. "Mistletoe! You know what that means!" Karen grabbed Regina's face and pulled it close, laying a long, fervent kiss on her. Regina heard a thud and, as they broke away, realized it was Janis's plate hitting the table. "Remember when we played spin the bottle in high school and mine always landed on you, Regina?" Karen asked. "I liked that," she said, looping her arms around Regina's waist and pulling her closer.
"Stop it," Regina whispered into Karen's ear. She pulled away just in time to see Janis leave the room. Regina sighed, knowing this was something she would have to fix. Who knew Janis had a jealous bone in her body? She disengaged from Karen, poured two new cups of punch and went to find her friend. She started with the spare room again, and was pleased to find Janis sitting there, leafing through a book. "Can I come in?" Regina said.
"It's not my party," said Janis. Regina entered and handed her the cup of punch. Janis took it, and Regina clinked their glasses together in a toast.
"To old friends," she said.
"To old friends," Janis repeated numbly.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Am I mad that you ran out of the room after I tried to kiss you and then made out with Karen in front of me? Why would I be mad?"
"Karen kissed *me*, not the other way around. It was just a little fun between friends, but still, I didn't want it to happen. And I'm sorry you thought I ran away. That wasn't my intention."
"Yeah you left the room like blue flames were licking at your heels. But it's fine. Wouldn't want to be caught making out with the town freak, right?" Janis hissed.
"J, surely you know better than that."
"What I know is that you told me you used to love me, took me out on a few dates, then pulled whatever stunt you just pulled. Why did you rush out of the room when Karen came to the door? And if kisses make you run like that, why didn't you run from Karen?"
"Because Karen was joking. With you, it's... more. It's serious."
"Oh, well what it feels like to me is that you're afraid of commitment. Which I should have known. What have I been expecting, you to drop your big magazine job and move back to the Chicago suburbs for me? To do long distance? To, what, quit the job I love and move to the city with you, where I can be your corporate trophy wife? I must be crazy."
"Janis, it's not like that at all. I don't have the answers but it wouldn't have to be that way. We could just--"
"I don't think this is a good idea, Regina. I'm sorry if I led you on or whatever, or let you lead me on. I'm glad we're friends now but this? I can't do this." She left the room, probably to find Damian, Regina thought, but she couldn't think much more. She was too drunk to drive, too sad to sober up, and she felt the need to leave as soon as possible, so she pulled out her phone and booked the closest Uber she could find.
Christmas Day came not with a bang, but with a hangover. Regina's eyes were dry from crying all night, and her head was pounding. Still, she dragged herself out of bed and took two ibuprofen so that she could sit and exchange gifts with her family. Kylie and Mom loved their new gifts, of course, and Regina got a few nice things. But still, she couldn't get Janis off the brain. Her perpetual state of being now, it seemed. And then, worse, Janis's mom showed up on their doorstep for their annual Christmas family dinner. Their moms were still best friends and with a dearth of other places to go, Janis and her mom had made it a tradition to sup with the Georges on Christmas. This time, though, Diane was noticeably Janis-free.
"Diane!" Regina greeted her with as big a smile as she could muster. "Where's Janis?" She asked nervously, worried thet maybe Janis had filled her mom in on their falling out the night before. But no. Diane just pulled her into a hug and told her Janis decided to stay home with a headache. "A hangover, I suspect," Diane said while Regina tried to ignore the throbbing in her own head. "She's really enjoyed getting to spend time with you these past few days. She keeps talking about it," said Diane.
"Yeah, I've enjoyed it too," said Regina. "Will you excuse me?" She had a thought, and she was going to see where it led. Regina pulled out her phone and thumbed through the contacts until she came to the G's. Kevin Gnapoor...
"Kevin? Yes, it's Regina. I know, it's weird. Can I ask a favor? Well, I have money so maybe not a favor so much but I could really use your help."
An hour later, Regina had a box in hand and was standing outside of Janis's front door, which she knocked on three times.
"Janis! Janis I know you're in there! I know you probably don't want to see me but I also know you're hungover and I can help," she yelled. Finally, the door swung open and Janis, looking a bit worse for the wear, stood there in her Christmas pajamas.
"Yes?" She asked. Regina handed her the wrapped gift. Janis sighed, but took the gift anyway.
"Open it," said Regina. She did, pulling off ribbons and easing off the lid to discover two brownies inside.
"Brownies?"
"Special brownies. They say weed helps hangovers. Want to try? I brought 'A Muppet Christmas Carol,'" Regina said, brandishing the DVD she had snuck off Kylie's shelf earlier.
"Fine. But only because my head hurts so bad and I haven't eaten anything all day."
"I should have brought you some leftovers then. I'm sorry."
"Please, The thought of turkey makes me want to hurl. I'm glad you didn't."
They made their way into the living room, where Janis put on the DVD. She sat on the couch, a considerable distance away from Regina. She took a brownie from the box, then offered it to Regina, who took her own brownie. They chewed them as they watched the Muppets perform the Charles Dickens classic. They watched in silence, but by the time the Ghost of Christmas Present came around, they were starting to feel it.
"Ugh, this feels nice," Janis said. "My headache is almost gone."
"Mine too," said Regina. She put a hand out in front of her face and became mesmerized by the swirls of her fingerprints. "Aren't hands weird?"
"Huh?"
"Nevermind." A hush fell over them for a moment, but not long. Turns out the Muppets were ten times funnier on weed, and they found themselves in helpless laughter as Janis attempted a bad Michael Caine cockney accent. In their laughter, they drew closer on the couch until they were practically in each other's laps. As the film turned dark and the Ghost of Christmas Future showed up, they clutched hands. Regina got really into the film at that point. She was barely even thinking about Janis's hand in hers. She was fixated on the idea that someone could die like Scrooge and leave behind no one who loved them, no one who even cared about them. No one to even come to their funeral. She thought on Janis's words the night before, about how she couldn't expect a commitment from her. She understood that the general consensus was that she was a workaholic. That made sense; she was one, truthfully. But was that the most important thing in life? Hadn't she known love, like Scrooge, and run away from it? Would she end up successful but lonely as well?
Then she was crying. She felt at the tears on her face with her free hand, pulling it away to glare at her wet fingertips.
"Are you OK?" Asked Janis. Regina took in a shaky breath. She pulled their conjoined hands to her lips and kissed Janis's fingers, feeling the other woman gasp. She turned her hand over and kissed her wrist, as soft as a sparrow landing in snow. She looked up to find Janis staring at her, just inches away. Regina leaned forward until she was sure she felt Janis's breath skirting across her face. She leaned in further until she had to tilt her face to slot their noses together, and then their lips met in a brief, but sweet, kiss.
Regina pulled away after a moment and saw Janis's eyes shining with tears. Janis yanked her back in and returned the kiss with fire this time, hands bracketing Regina's ears, fingers in her hair. Regina's arms went around Janis's waist, fingers dancing across the exposed skin where her pajama top rode up. Regina could feel tears on her cheeks - her own or Janis's, she wasn't sure, but she deepened the kiss, tasting salt on Janis's lips. She tugged on the other woman's hips until she clambered - without breaking their kiss - into Regina's lap. With a soft moan of satisfaction, Regina's hands crept further up the back of Janis's shirt until she got the hint and took it off completely. Regina broke the kiss to take it all in, Janis in just her sports bra in her lap, lips swollen with kisses. My kisses, she thought possessively. After a few moments of being regarded like one of her own nude art models, Janis let out a low growl and dove back in, this time fastening her lips to Regina's neck as she slowly undid the buttons of the other woman's shirt. Their next kiss was slow, soft, deliberate and supple, and Janis gripped at Regina's newly exposed chest, clad just in a lacy pink bra. Of course. Janis rolled her eyes at the sight. Regina just smirked and pulled Janis back in, fingers slowly toying with the drawstring on Janis's very attractive plaid pajama bottoms.
"These pants are so sexy I could die right here," said Regina.
"Shut up," said Janis, wholly uninterested in conversation. Slowly, Regina eased the knot in the drawstring loose, and her fingers dipped below the waistband, just a bit. Finally, Janis broke away. "OK, if we're going to do this, we're not doing it in my mom's living room," she said. "Let's go to my room."
"Yes, ma'am. Lead the way," said Regina.
"You mean you don't remember where it is?"
"Of course I do, I was just trying to be a polite guest in your home."
The two women found their way upstairs and into Janis's bed, where they made love to wake the neighbors. Afterwards, they lay wrapped up in each other, Regina enjoying Janis's warmth from where she was clinging to her back, their legs tangled together beneath the sheets.
"We should've done that a lot sooner," said Regina.
"Well we could've done it last night if you hadn't run away."
"I'm sorry. I got spooked. Old habits die hard," Regina said.
"Are you going to get spooked next time we're around our friends?"
"Just wait until I kiss you at midnight at Gretchen's New Years party and you'll know. Although I'll be kissing you all night, so midnight won't even be an event."
"Are you sure about this? Are you even going to be around for New Years? Don't you have a big job to get back to?"
"Yeah, but I think I'm going to quit."
"Quit?" Janis gawped.
"I just miss Chicago," Regina said. "And maybe, certain people near Chicago, who have become very important to me. Maybe more important than my job. No, for sure more important."
"Oh, you mean Damian, of course," Janis said.
"Oh, of course. And maybe someone else..."
"Who?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Regina said, and she pulled Janis down for another kiss. They never got around to "White Christmas."