Chapter Text
Mina has been trying. And she has been trying hard for so long but for some bad stroke of luck, she just can't seem to do anything right.
She can't even put the blame on anything else other than her own shortcomings. It's not like it's Nayeon's fault that her hair is naturally silky smooth; that when she tries to tangle the strands with each other they just slip in between her fingers. Maybe she just didn't watch enough of the YouTube tutorials, she must have spaced out a lot when the person teaching was going over the important details. Mina was never one to miss out on details, but after the accident, her mind had also been going into places.
Either way, that's not the point. She needs to set all of her internal turmoil aside because this is a very special day for Nayeon. And she has set all of her dedication to learning how to braid her hair because Nayeon always likes her hair braided whenever she's about to do something important. Today, Nayeon is going for her first ever check up two weeks after being discharged from the hospital. She even bought her bunny hair ties when she saw some in the flea market on her way home from work yesterday.
This is the least she could do for Nayeon. Because if everything turns out not so good... at least Nayeon will still smile at her for helping her look her prettiest. It has been a long time since Nayeon smiled at her. This small gesture feels like she is trying to earn it.
Although it seems that's actually not going to happen anytime soon because another knot that she's succeeded on doing for over a minute has gone loose once again. There comes the tiny voices at the back of her mind, telling her that she's not doing enough for Nayeon.
Maybe it's the truth.
If this simple little thing of fixing her hair she could not even give her then what else can she do that she's sure she is not going to fuck up?
Mina lets out a grunt in frustration that Nayeon hears.
"You okay? Should I just ask for Hana? We need to leave in 15 minutes, Mina." Nayeon asks, staring back at her from the vanity mirror. Maybe Mina was just imagining things but she thought she heard a hint of disappointment from Nayeon that made her sink even more to self-loathing.
"No, I can do this... just give me a minute." Mina panics that she now fumbles on the hair as she proceeds on trying to salvage it. Tiny beads of sweat had already formed on her temples. Mina is not used to feeling like she's doing something wrong. And the thought of failing Nayeon sets her off the edge.
She accidently tugs Nayeon's hair a little bit too hard that the older woman whined in pain.
"Ow, careful please..."
"I'm sorry..."
Then comes the agonizing silence. Mina always hated whenever Nayeon fell quiet. It feels strange. It tells more than when Nayeon bombards her with her blabbermouth. She'd rather have Nayeon tell her how to do this than act as if she's also waiting for Mina to fail.
"You know you don't have to do this right?" Nayeon blurts out, knowing full well how to discourage Mina, by telling her that she is not needed. Nayeon had always known that. But she also knows that Mina does not need to be asked to do things for her. She knows that but she keeps on denying Mina the chance to do so.
She's pushing her away.
"But I want to. I promised you that I'm going to do this for you and I intend to keep it. Just let me do this, Nayeon… please?" Mina was almost begging. It's not like she wanted Nayeon to sympathize with her. This is nothing. Even a simple nod from her would suffice.
She catches sight of Nayeon's crestfallen expression after hearing what she said.
Mina holds onto the two thick strands of hair tighter, awaiting what Nayeon has to say.
"You need to stop blaming yourself, Mina. I don't need you to coddle me just because I almost drove myself to death when you broke up with me---"
Nayeon might have lost her ability to strangle Mina with her hands but she still feels her grip on her. Mina gasps as if she's suffocating because of Nayeon's spiteful words.
"Stop." Mina said sternly. She didn't mean to raise her voice at Nayeon. But she feels as though she needed to stand her ground and speak louder than her to protect herself from the hurt.
Their intense gazes met in the mirror. Mina was clenching her jaw. There was the sudden anger displayed on Nayeon's face, taunting Mina. But she wouldn't let her win.
"What? It's the truth. Stop masking your guilt and doing all of these things for me. You have to admit to yourself that you feel bad for ending things and all you have ever felt for me was pity since the accident happened."
"I said stop,"
There was a soft knock from the door that halted Nayeon from saying another thing to Mina. Their stare down had also been cut short when they both turned their head towards the sudden intrusion.
"Nayeon-ssi... everything alright? We're going to be late for your check up." Hana, Nayeon's physiotherapist had said. Thankfully, she had the courtesy to not open the door without permission. The girl had always been respectful and helpful to the both of them. Mina could never hate her for going in between them.
There's just one thing about her that makes Mina feel bitter.
"Hana-yah can you come inside? My hair is still not done." Nayeon called out, her voice a complete turnaround from her heated exchange with Mina moments earlier.
-It's that Nayeon needs her.
When it was supposed to be only Mina.
But how could she ask Nayeon to need her again?
She was right, it was her who ended things.
She had her chance and she decided to let go of it with her own will.
Nayeon ended up going to the clinic with her hair tied up on a bun.
It was a Thursday afternoon and Mina had to be at her restaurant to take over a very important reservation for tomorrow but instead, she insisted on driving Nayeon and Hana to the clinic. And now, she's left alone sitting in the lobby waiting for Nayeon to come out of the doctor's office with at least a sliver of hope peeking from her eyes.
She mumbles a prayer for everything to go well.
Her phone then rings, breaking her away from her reverie.
She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and was welcomed with the name of her Head Chef and bestfriend Park Jihyo flashed on her screen. She bit her lower lip as she gets the sense of foreboding.
"Hello?" Mina starts off with gentleness on her tone. Jihyo must be fuming right now because she didn't even get to tell her that she's not coming to work today.
She hears a deep sigh from the other line and immediately, her worries are gone by the wind.
Jihyo understands. She always does.
"How is she?"
Jihyo and Mina had been friends ever since Mina and her family migrated to Korea when she was 12. It has always been the two of them. Jihyo eventually became friends with Nayeon too and even got herself involved with Nayeon's other half Yoo Jeongyeon. It wouldn't be a surprise that Jihyo also worries about the older woman. They all are.
It just so happened that Mina's worry also comes with so much guilt.
"She's still inside getting herself checked. She doesn't want me there so I'm waiting here." Mina answers, dismayed.
Another sigh.
"You're doing your best, Mina." Jihyo reminds her as if she sees right through Mina that she's doubting herself again. Which she does. Because she knows Mina.
Mina finally breaks down. She has been holding her tears back since that argument with Nayeon earlier and hearing her best friend talk about the complete opposite of how Nayeon made her feel just triggers the waterworks.
"I just want her to get better, Jih. But she wouldn't let me help her... she keeps on telling me that I'm just staying with her because I feel bad for ending things between us. And I admit that there's some truth to it but I still care about her... she is the only one I have ever loved and seeing her everyday in so much pain and anger... hurts me too... I could never do anything right for her." Mina lets out with her voice almost breaking.
"You're doing whatever you need to do. Nayeon has always been so stubborn but I know she needs you more than she's willing to admit. You have to understand that it's not just the accident that she harbors all of this anger from, Mina. You will eventually have to talk to her about the breakup. Tell her everything. Just be honest with her."
There was the tugging in Mina's heart just by the mention of the breakup. She has always shied away from it, pushing the thought at the back of her mind because having to be reminded of what caused her to decide and end things with Nayeon is not going to help for her recovery. Mina thinks it's selfish to talk about it. Nayeon comes first.
"Thank you, Jih. But I don't want to coerce her to do things, I'm already hurting her just by showing up in our house everyday. I would like to do things one step at a time." Mina replies, removing the tears that pooled in her eyes with a fingertip. She was sniffling through her words but there was the determination to do better now.
All she ever needed was for someone to tell her that it's still not the end.
"It's totally your call, Mina. Just remember that I'm always here to support you every step of the way. Even for Nayeon. I love you both." There was shuffling from Jihyo's line and Mina figured that her friend needed to man over the kitchen.
"I love you too, Jih. I'll try to come by the restaurant after dinner."
"It's okay. You should rest. We will be fine here, just be sure to come back tomorrow."
"I promise. Okay, bye. I'll text you about Nayeon when we get home."
Jihyo bids her goodbye as well and ends the call. As if on cue, Mina finally hears the door of the doctor's office creak open.
If it's still possible, Mina's heart shatters when she sees Nayeon drenched in tears flush against Hana, and still crying. The doctor was behind them, giving Mina an encouraging smile. She nodded at him and walked towards the two, helping Hana to carry Nayeon to the car.
When they got in, Nayeon was silent. Isolating herself with her own thoughts. Mina hates it so much that she just wants to leave the driver seat to envelope Nayeon into a bone crushing hug just to break her out of her shell that Mina knows she made specifically for her. It seems as though they are protecting themselves from each other.
"How was it, Hana?" Mina bravingly asks after turning the car engine on. She catches Hana looking at Nayeon for affirmation from the rearview mirror and she feels a prick on her chest.
"Her injury is getting better, Mina-ssi. The doctor advised that I have to continue my therapy sessions with her for another week and then we are done. But…"
Mina waited for her to continue. A thud from the backseat comes instead.
"You don't have to tell her any more, Hana. She heard enough. Let's go home, I'm beat." Nayeon chimes in.
Mina just smiles weakly and puts her hands on the steering wheel.
One step at a time.
When they reached home, Nayeon went ahead of them, signaling Hana to come follow her. Mina nodded at her when Hana looked at her as if asking for permission.
"I want to take a hot bath, Hana. Please prepare one for me."
Mina could only gulp, it's totally alright for Nayeon to take a bath while her therapist is with her inside. Assisting her, taking care of her, touching her.
It's all fine by Mina.
She should just focus on making dinner.
—
Nayeon betrays herself at night. She thought she's finally doing better during the day, when the sun is out to shine upon her, making her feel alive. But as it turns out, these are all merely a pretense. The pain still haunts her in her sleep. And it comes in the form of a nightmare, a reminder of that unfortunate night.
She finally manages to sneak out of the meeting she's had with the higher ups that begun at lunch and has now extended past dinnertime. Mina told her at breakfast to meet her at her restaurant the moment she got off work. She was too ecstatic to be having dinner with Mina again for so long. She knows to herself that she's been neglecting Mina because of her work but it's all for a reason. She ponders on whether to tell Mina about it tonight.
As she drives her car out of the parking building, she puts on her handset and hits Mina up with a call. It's past dinner time after all, her girlfriend must have been waiting for her. 'It's always better to be sorry because of being late than never' it's actually really sad that it has become her mantra now.
It wasn't always like this.
It was all too simple before.
But Nayeon has her dreams.
And she intends on achieving them because she knows Mina would like that for her too.
Mina who loves her unconditionally.
Mina who always understands.
Nayeon was already on the road when Mina decided to pick up.
"Nayeon." Mina beat her by saying something first. She would have gone into her endless rambling of how amazing Mina is for being such an understanding girlfriend, how much she's going to make up for being late when she finally arrives. She would have said her apologies.
She would have prevented Mina from saying something so… precarious.
"I am exhausted, Nayeon. I know this is not like me to open up about my feelings because I never really liked being a burden to you. But I never asked you for too much, Nayeon. I always put you first, I thought of you first, I even loved you more than myself. And I thought I could carry on. I thought I could because I really loved loving you. But I can also only endure so much. I am tired. Please let me go. Let's break up."
"Wait, love… hey, is this a joke? I am on my way to you right now. Can't you just wait for me a little longer then we can talk about this…"
"Forgive me for saying No to you for the first time Nayeon. Goodbye."
Mina hangs up and Nayeon is frozen into place. Her hands began to tremble as she held onto the steering wheel. She feels like she's dreaming because what else can explain the bitter things Mina just said to her? Nothing but a nightmare.
And this nightmare feels all too real.
So real that Nayeon can feel the burning in her eyes when she turns her head and sees the blinding headlights coming towards her way. Nearing and nearing. She shields her eyes with her hands and the next thing she knew, she was being thrown off everywhere inside her car. The shards of glass flying across her face, her lithe body slowly giving up as it takes so much beating, Nayeon can see her whole life flashing at the back of her eyes.
The last thing she sees was Mina's diamond tears and then she succumbs to the darkness.
Nayeon jolts herself awake like she was catching her breath after finally reaching the surface of the ocean. She didn't even know she was holding her own breath. The soft caresses on her back, reminds her of reality.
"You were having a nightmare. Here, drink some water."
It was Mina. She was in her pajamas, a glass of cold water on her hand and the other holding her still. She looks really familiar in this dim light that Nayeon is taken back to when things were still…okay.
She leans closer to the glass in front of her lips and lets Mina help her drink it. She finished the glass with her lips still quivering in fear.
"How do you feel?"
Nayeon feels her mouth as if it's glued shut. She's still a little bit disoriented from the sudden stupor that disrupted her sleep.
Mina must have picked up on that she is still shaken from what she just experienced that the girl remained silent. Just staring and caressing her. Trying to make her feel less alone.
I'm here, I'm here… I will never leave you.
It's what Nayeon wants to hear but she gets a warm touch on her arm instead.
Moments later, she feels Mina slowly making her lie down, and joining her in the covers too.
"It's all over now, Nayeon. You are here, you're doing great and I'm proud of you." Mina whispers against her hair. The younger is now holding her close from behind, being extra careful to not graze her bandaged hands. The familiarity is making Nayeon want to cry. This is all too much to take for her still half asleep brain. All of her rationale has jumped out of the window.
So she just nods and melts into Mina's embrace.
Her eyes have started to grow heavy from sleep because of too much comfort and warmth that being enveloped in Mina's arms once again is making her feel. She was almost off to dreamland when she heard quiet sniffling from behind her. The sudden dampness against the back of her neck confirmed to her that Mina was crying.
Nayeon desperately wants to turn around and console the younger girl just like what she did to her the moment she entered her room. But the thought that she could be the reason for the girl's sadness stops her. She doesn't want to hear anymore of her faults and how much she made Mina suffer for so long.
This time, she lets herself get tortured by Mina's silent cries as she also drowns with the questions and resentment towards herself.
This time, she promises this will be the last time that Mina would cry for her.
So Nayeon squeezed her eyes shut even though her ears are getting pierced by the hurt that's coming out of the woman she loves the most. Mina had always pretended that she was okay, never in their relationship that she heard her complain, may it be trivial or matters of the heart. At least not of her own. Mina only asks for favor if it has something to do with Nayeon's well-being. When she's beyond exhausted from work, Mina would talk to her to ease up with her schedules, not for a date night or a holiday vacation, just for Nayeon to rest at home. Everything that Mina has ever asked for her has always been nothing but for her. Mina had always been selfless, she loved Nayeon so much that she'd rather not have time for her in the present as long as Nayeon still sees her as being in her future.
Loved.
And Nayeon would not even try to deny that it does not hurt that Mina's finally given up and got tired of waiting for her. Because it hurts, more than anything in the world, it hurts to finally realize how much she took everything for granted.
Even now, Mina goes out of her way just to take care of her while she's almost close to being useless, like garbage. As if she's been anything but that to Mina even before her accident.
"Nayeon... are you asleep?" Mina asks softly, her voice is almost hoarse, her throat may have gone raspy with all the silent crying. Nayeon stiffens on her hold when she hears Mina.
"I know you never asked but I also have nightmares ever since your accident. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I will just wake up sweating and crying... it was scary, but I also know that my nightmares are nothing compared to what you're experiencing. I am so sorry, Nayeon. I never meant for us to end this way. I just want us to be happy." Mina eventually vents out, in between her sobbing. Nayeon still hears the unbearable sadness that she's trying to hide. It's slowly suffocating her.
She was never worthy of someone this beautiful and kind. Maybe Mina was right to leave her all along. Maybe Mina finally saw how much she's better off without Nayeon. These hurtful thoughts have begun to cloud Nayeon's mind that they are starting to sound like the truth.
"What were your nightmares about?" She finally speaks and she feels Mina's arms loosen their grip on her.
"It was the moment I saw you in the ER… it was gruesome, everything looks dark and feels cold… You were lying there lifeless… And I was scared…"
Nayeon turns to bury her head on the mattress, soaking it with her own shedded tears. She dreads whatever Mina has to tell her.
"I was so scared that I was going to lose you."
Mina had never lied to her.
How come she feels like a fool for believing her now?
...