Chapter Text
It starts with three words.
"She's so... manly."
"She's pink."
Kirishima and him both laugh.
"Pink is manly!! Manly to me anyway. Especially when it's on her," Kirishima smiles sweetly, speaking into the window he's half sat on, gazing into the night sky, half a reflection peaking back at him. Katsuki's never seen that look in his eye. This is weird. He's never spoken like this before.
"I don't know if you've seen this part of her but she can be so mature. She's sharper than you think, you know. She makes it look like a game, bringing us all together, making sure we're all having fun. It's actually her way of solving everyone's problems and keeping us happy. What's more heroic than that?"
They haven't bothered to turn the lights on. Downstairs this time of night, it's so silent, all he can hear is the softness in Kiri's voice.
A foreign something pangs at him.
"I get it," he'd never thought of Mina like that but, "when you put it like that, you're right. She's a good friend."
He emphasises the friend. He hopes Kiri will too.
Kiri turns to him, eyes big between the soft fluffs of his long hair. He smiles, as if Bakugou's agreement had confirmed a feeling he'd long felt in his heart.
"Right?"
What's more heroic than that?
The words echo. An insult to Katsuki who's supposed to be the best. A stab of reality hits him, that he's not the only one Kirishima admires. Over the years, he's felt he's gotten to know Kirishima's heart. Now, it's clearer than ever that Mina was here first.
They were always a duo.
Kirishima's sharp-toothed smile and bright words would appear to him, knocking all doors away and snatching him out for the day. They'd spend hours together; Mountain hiking, cooking, shopping for food, training, studying, whispering, sleeping.
The list went on with more years and more intimacy between them. It was never any effort on his part, Kirishima was the one who'd smile through his shouting and playfully slap him on the back instead of getting hurt.
It was a Friday night. Bakugou was in a bad mood. He realised it was because he'd spent too long alone.
He hadn't seen his best friend since that night, class and busy lunches with their group aside. What had it been since then, three days? Four? They'd never gone apart that long before.
It called for special action.
Bakugou stood outside his door, cheeks pink after knocking, thinking up his excuse for why he was here.
He had two packets of vegetable chips in his hands - because Kiri only ate unhealthy shit. The lights in the hallway shifted, Ochako and Tsu's laughing voices echoing from a while away as a door opened then closed.
Koda passed and nodded at him.
Bakugou knocked again.
The lights didn't change. He was left to wait.
Haven't hung out in ages, what you been up to?
Sorry bro! Me and Mina ended up getting lunch and just never came back! We were out walking all night. tell u about it later :D
Reading it felt like being kicked.
Bakugo stormed himself angrily to the gym. He may be alone but he still had a busy schedule. He was gonna be the number one hero - he had shit to do.
What's more heroic than that?
The threat of inferiority waved over him as he squatted up and down, sweat threatening to slip the weights right off his hands.
So he wasn't good at what Mina was good at. It was nothing new. Every interaction he'd ever had in his life had told him as much. Failing that damn provisional irked him to this day. The aftermath was always the same - weak extras with a third of his skill and strength, coming up to him, patting his shoulder to patronisingly say, "you're not good with people Bakugou. You scare them all away."
It only hurt because it was true. People eyed his strength and skill with envious fear but once they saw him like that, their satisfaction gleamed. They were all superior to him in some regard and they knew it. They loved it.
Bakugo's weights clanked, the other participant in the gym giving him a blatant stare. Bakugo growled, storming over to him and grabbing him by the neck, "Let's spar."
It wouldn't be so bad if it were a few of them. But it was everyone - everyone on the damn planet was born with the blessing of being able to talk to others. Everyone except this fucker, anyway.
Todoroki charged towards him but at the last minute, an ice stool lifted him up to Katsuki's blind spot - a perfect place for spinning into a kick. The blond grunted as he caught it, grabbing the leg, using it to throw the fucker in circles, tossing him through the air before he could get burnt. He didn't even let him land, rocketing over for more of an attack.
It wasn't like he wasn't trying.
Bakugo had been trying.
He had been progressing - making a genuine friend in Kirishima, letting him into his heart, telling him about his issues with mom, talking with him about thinks he didn't think he'd ever even need to say, laughing with him over things he'd never thought someone else would find funny.
Todoroki was a damn hard fight, but that was why Bakugou was here, sheening with sweat, going in for another impact yet again.
He thought back to his latest attempt.
It was a Sunday. Bakugou had done nothing but sit alone in his room. Exercising, playing music. All of it felt empty in the silence alone. So he'd bolted up to go see Kiri, swallowing his pride, knocking on his door ready to spend the next hours fighting back laughs-
The door clicked open. The laughter behind it was already there, dying down as he invaded it.
"Bakubro!" Kiri's face lit but he wasn't look at him.
He saw Mina behind him, sitting where Bakugou used to sit, pink hair curled and fluffy, cheeks bright with a smile.
"What's up? Did you need something?"
In other words, hurry up so I can get back to her.
If he were fifteen, he'd slam the door, swear and throw a fit at being replaced or left behind. But he wasn't a kid.
"Give me your chemistry book. I need to see something."
He brushed it off well, taking the book, pretending he had a problem to solve, hiding the stab wound opening up in his chest. He almost failed to hide it. He almost let a tear slide out while still there in the blinding light of Kiri's warm room.
When the door closed and he stood outside alone, his face openly fell.
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!"
Bakugo stomped on Todoroki, all of his weight crushing down to stamp some ribs when-
"Bakugou!"
Rage cleared from red eyes.
The snap aged him three years, maturity hitting him with a wave of embarrassment.
The blond blinked, backing up, realising he'd misplaced his rage on an innocent bystander. Todoroki was on his side here - a monster to fight but a fucking mess when it came to people - just like him. His expression flashed bashfully with guilt, if Todoroki chewed him out, he'd deserve it.
But the boy was still beneath him. Asymmetrical eyes watched without a word.
Katsuki huffed. He was ready to leave when a cold hand caught him by the wrist, pulling him back down.
"Something's on your mind."
"Fuck off," he spat startled.
"Is it something I did?"
The tone in his voice stopped him. He sounded apologetic. Bakugou side-eyed the boy below him and thought back to the last 30 meaningless interactions between them. Of course not, of course Todoroki hadn't pissed him off. They both knew it, that was why he was so concerned.
Content to leave it at that, he shoved free and walked away.
"Thanks for the fight. It was a good match," he muttered tamely. He only reached the door, when a low voice sought him out.
"I've learned it's better to let it out. Don't run away from it. Talk to someone, even if that someone's not me."
Bakugo's breath hitched in, slamming the door in rage.
So much for an ally. Behind that naïve gaze, Todoroki had grown up, leaving him behind.
That weekend, the final inch of the sword pierced his heart.
Kirishima and Mina announced they were dating. The class lit up with a chorus of happy screams, Hagakure spinning in her arms, Ochako literally flying to get by, Mineta and Kaminari stacking on top of each other to try and ask Kirishima how he'd done it. Soon they were having a party to celebrate, the whole class assembled with cheesecake and fizzy drinks. Mina sat in a circle of people, laughing and answering their excited questions, her words always just the right thing, always making everyone laugh.
Bakugo sat alone on the outside, lacking the strength to do more than watch.
She's always bringing us together, making sure we're all having fun.
He stayed for a minute or two before leaving. On the way out, he caught Kiri's eye, nodding to show that he was... proud.
Proud. He was proud. He wanted to be. Mina wasn't some awful girl, Kirishima was right, she was kind, funny, amazing.
He couldn't drag Kirishima down. He wanted him to be happy, he really did.
But that weekend, all Bakugou did was cry.
He didn't even know why he was crying at first. Because he'd lost a friend? Because he'd waited too long? Because he'd been a fucking fool to think that just because Kirishima had sleepovers in his house and wrestled with him on the bed and admired everything manly, he was gay?
Of course he wasn't. Not in this world, where noses turned up at just the word gay. Where people like fucking Kaminari insisted they were straight every time it was mentioned because being homosexual was just so damn horrific.
Bakugou felt drained.
He felt dead.
He thought back to Todoroki's words, don't run away from it.
So he didn't. He thought about it, because he didn't have anyone to talk to and because of it...
A little too late, Bakugou finally admitted the feelings imprinted on his heart: he liked Kirishima. He had liked Kirishima, for a long, long time. He'd assumed they'd naturally slip into something more, he'd assumed they were doing so well - spending weekends at each other's houses, in each other's rooms. Even in each other's bed.
But he'd been wrong.
Kirishima's betrayal cut it all to an end.
If not Kirishima, who the hell would ever love him? Who would even be a friend to him?
None of their friendship was him - it was all Kiri. Only Kirishima's personality had ever fit against his like that, getting along so instantly, so natural. It was bizarre - it was new.
It was gone.
A wave of laughter from downstairs floated up as wet tears warmed down his cheek.
His best friend wasn't with him. He was down there, having fun with her.
The extras tried to cheer him up. They did a half decent job, Ochako squeaking to him about martial arts, Sero chatting in his ear all day so he couldn't be in his thoughts alone. It was fine until Kaminari and Jiro confessed they'd been meeting in secret for a while.
Everyone fucking knew it but now that it was in the open...
It turned everything shit.
They went to dinner as a group as always, now with two couples. And it was fucking hell. Full of kissing, full of sappiness, full of inside jokes he was on the outside of. Jokes he'd told to Kirishima, Mina knew.
They had been theirs. He'd like them when they were just between them.
They chatted as a group for the most part.
It only got worse.
The next day Sero was home sick, it was just Bakugou surrounded on both sides. He told himself he'd be cordial and hide his envy because he wasn't a fucking brat anymore. He kept up his fake smiles and laughed with Kirishima as much as he could but if Mina so much as breathed-
His friend was snatched away.
Bakugo was all alone.
"Don't worry, you'll find love someday Kacchan," Kaminari mocked, wrapping an arm around his neck and shaking him.
All colour left his face.
"Who the hell says I want love? Fuck off sparky!"
The boys laughed, Mina and Jiro only smiled at each other like they were in on some damn secret he didn't know. Like everyone wanted love, like he was a stupid fool or a liar for not admitting it out loud.
That weekend, Bakugou sat in silence. He did everything he could alone, but it felt like nothing. It was two days without human contact. At the dorms, there was no mom he could talk to, no dad. When you were alone, you were really and truly alone.
He was half tempted to go talk to fucking Todoroki but.. that would be a low.
By night, he was crying old tears all over again.
Deku was watching him.
He always was, always sneaking glances, pretending his eyes were 'just lingering in his direction' while he was in thought. No matter if he was mid conversation, mid-work or even mid fight.
Especially mid fight.
As soon as Katsuki entered class that Monday, he was looking into green flecks in emerald eyes. Katsuki wrinkled his nose, silently telling the other to fuck off. This time the sneaking glances weren't sneaking.
Deku openly stared, sitting up straighter in his chair. Tsu and Iida were with him, chatting animatedly, unaware of the silent lock between their friend and Bakugo. He walked and green eyes followed. He sat, Izuku's body turned to him, like he wanted to speak. He didn't. Even as Izuku's voice returned to the conversation with his friends, the eyes wouldn't leave him alone.
It was like he knew Katsuki had spent the week crying.
He didn't let it haunt him, he let Izuku think what he thought he knew. Whether right or wrong, it didn't effect him. He got used to the eyes on him, working from one lesson, to two, then three then four until-
"Kacchan?"
He knew it was coming. He didn't say a word, didn't move a muscle. The voice was sweet when they were kids. Now Deku was over six foot and still growing, and when a voice like that came from someone who looked like that...
"Would you come talk to me after class?"
Fucker. He wasn't Todoroki. He knew not to get straight to the point. He knew how to lure him in.
"Why?"
Izuku was so silent he wondered if he'd even heard his grunt. No, Izuku's silence was his scheming. He had to hook him but at the same time, if he said anything too caring, he'd scare Katsuki away.
"You know why."
It struck him like a brick to the head.
The wall framed him between forest and orange skies. Katsuki paced over crunching red leaves, overthinking what it meant for him to accept Deku's invitation here.
What they both knew, he didn't want to acknowledge something they both knew.
When Deku arrived he denied it, "I have no idea why the fuck you think I'm here but it better be important. How's your quirk?"
Deku didn't bat an eyelash - as if he knew this was on the way. He answered without breaking eye contact, big, bug-like blinkers watching his and Katsuki was afraid of what they saw.
What invisible signs, what layers they could peel apart. Only when the mundane words were out and Katsuki's guard down did Izuku get to the heart of it, "did you see anyone this weekend?"
It was laced with concern.
Red eyes hardened to stone, glaring down at the nerd, daring Deku to bring up Kirishima. Daring the guy the class used to throw erasers at to insinuate he was lonely.
Izuku couldn't be afraid of him now. Not when he could toss him to the moon with a single flick of black whip.
"I...I've been in your situation before." He said cautiously, like Bakugou was a wild animal capable of charging at any point. Yet he pushed on, a spark of hope in his glinting black eyes. "The person I care about most left me for someone they chose to be closer with than me. Someone not like me at all."
For only a second, green eyes left him to stare sadly at the floor.
"I know how it hurts."
It fit so well, Bakugou was lost for words.
A one sided attack on him, patronisingly trying to fix and help poor, helpless him? He could ward that off.
Izuku relating so well, opening himself up vulnerably and trustingly... He wasn't prepared for it. He was helpless under it, emotions welling up in his throat.
"Great. You got over it, so will I."
Izuku's eyes fluttered closed, a sad breath laughing out, "no you won't. You never will."
"I already am."
"You can tell yourself that - because you want it to. You'll take steps to move on and ward it away, you'll try everything - you'll work hard on yourself, you'll get fitter than ever before, you'll become the strongest in the school. After all that it still won't be enough," he whispered.
Strongest in the school - this was getting too much.
It was getting too personal, leading too close towards-
Bakugou knew Izuku liked him. Possibly even loved him.
He'd been juggling it off for years, ignoring yearning glances and desperate imitations. He'd yelled it away, slapped it away, kicked it away, all because he was afraid.
Katsuki didn't want to be a fucking asshole but he was one and if Deku hit him with this - bringing it out into the open - he'd have no choice.
"Stop."
"It wasn't enough. Kacchan, I-"
It was happening. Katsuki would drown. He was overwhelmed - terrified.
"Oh fuck off. Fuck off, you think I don't see what you're doing Deku? What you gonna say, that I need you? That you can make it better?" he mocked, ruthlessly cutting the words from Deku's lips before he could release them.
"I bet you were waiting for this moment. I bet you were fighting back a smile when they announced it, weren't you?"
"What? That's not-"
"Hah! I just noticed something... you're always right fucking there every time I'm at my worst aren't you? Every time something goes wrong in my life you come running. So you can try pick me up? Play hero? No, because you need me weak. You know you'll never be able to have me when I'm at my best. Conniving little fuck."
"Kacchan... none of this is true." Voice soft and pure sad, he reached out to Katsuki, fingers lighting the slightest bit turquoise in the draining twilight. It was a flash of his fighting spirit, a power that had forced Katsuki forward in a revelation before. And he'd do it again.
Katsuki's fear leapt to the max.
An explosion shot out, shoving Izuku down, spitting words only because he knew they would hurt.
"Well guess what, even when I'm a fucking mess, you're still not enough."
He felt eyes on him in class. He wondered what bullshit Izuku had spread about him.
Probably something kind and selfless about how Bakugou wasn't in the right mind. That just made him look even worse.
Now, they were mirrored. When Katsuki entered class, it was Izuku's eyes that were tight with fallen tears, expression like a heavy bag trying to keep everything up. When he whispered his name in class, Katsuki shut him out.
That night, he didn't go down to hang out with anyone.
Nor the night after that.
It was Todoroki who got to him. It was just them in the gym again, the sun barely up. Like a cat, the other wafted towards him, feeling sociable enough to use the same weight as him and raise his brows a little as he lifted.
"These are heavy."
"That's why I use them," he barked. Fuck, Shouto was stupid sometimes.
Despite this, they worked in compatible silence for half an hour at least.
Then, "he has your best interests in mind. But, you know that, don't you? That's why you push him off."
Bakugo sucks a breath, collapsing on the bench, head in his hands and panting from the work. The work. Definitely not the words.
He can't run away from it. Not when it would make him look like a flailing kid in the face of Todoroki's newfound social maturity.
"Have you considered I don't give a fuck?"
Todoroki sent him dead eyes. Bakugou sighed, ruffling his face in his towel.
"I'm not saying I don't need help 'cause I'm perfect... I'm saying I don't like the way Deku does it. All the time, even when it's nothing to do with him. I hate the way he looks at me."
"Like you're the most important person in the world?"
"Like I'm a fucking victim" Todoroki's words sink in and Bakugo's dumbfounded for a second before he shakes it off, leaning back and trying to speak calmly and evenly. "Deku looks at me like I'm another helpless sad boy for him to save, like I'm just some trial for him to solve. Another name to add to the list of reasons he's such a good fucking hero."
Todoroki appears briefly offended, then he shrugs, "I don't think he does see it like that. I don't think you should see accepting his help as making you less of a hero. Or less of a man."
"You're just full of fucking wisdom today aren't you icy?"
"No hot today?"
Bakugo whips Todoroki's naked waist with the end of his towel, the sound giving a sharp, solid sound. "Not hot enough. You might be if you kept your damn mouth shut."
There's a dripping irony to it they're both aware of. Todoroki hovers shirtless, shaming every model Bakugou's ever seen. His abs tense at the impact, a flash of how solid they can be. His lips smirk a little, leaning on the stack of weights.
"You're an asshole you know that?"
Katsuki snarled, glaring at him for answers. The moment he really looks, he feels like a fool.
Todoroki's jaw was tense. He was biting down on it, biting his tongue with a cold look in his eyes, trying to patient. Bakugou wonders how he hadn't seen it before.
"I don't know what you did to him the other day-"
"Oh here we fucking go," Bakugou knew everyone was avoiding him. Everyone thought he was awful for the way he treated Deku, even Bakugou himself.
Shouto raised his voice - he didn't do it often but when he did, Bakugou's lip went tight.
"ALL I KNOW IS, Midoriya came back half-crying and he's been a mess since. When he's a mess, you know it effects all of us. The whole class is screwed up now and all of its starting from you- because you can't grow up and ask for help when you need it."
Bakugou goes to grab him, "hit me then! If I'm so fucking bad!"
Todoroki grabs the fist and they both hold each other, fingers digging tight. They're both hurting each other, neither letting go.
Todoroki groans, "It's not about fighting. You can't solve every problem with your fists. Think. You think he sees you as someone to save? Maybe he has to because you don't let him treat you like you're friends."
Bakugou stares at the ground.
Todoroki doesn't know the half of it.
He taken so many steps with Izuku so far, each of them a hurdle he'd never thought he'd overcome. It went back years. From seeing him as a play thing, to a pet, a game, an embarrassment, a clingy creep, a liar, a respectable rival and lastly, a hero.
Now, Todoroki was telling him there was more?!
"Fight me," it's no longer charged. It's an angry, Bakugou-esque flag of acceptance. He was tired. He couldn't think about this anymore or his head would explode. What he could do was fight - a familiar rhythm, a challenge plain to see and simple to solve. Not a mess of head games and intricate words he could struggle with for years and years, and still have more to go.
Like a friend helping another out, Todoroki agreed.
"Come onnn Bakugou I haven't seen you in like three years. You have to come out."
Kiri's arm pulled him out the door, up the street and into an restaurant for lunch. While stuffing his grinning face with Vietnamese food, Bakugou watched, reflecting that this was the first time they'd been alone together in a long while. It felt almost like sin.
"What've you been up to then? Anything new?"
"The usual shit." Bakugou's embarrassed by how little he's down while Kiri's life was changing. He's surprised at how casually Kirishima takes it, laughing with him like no time has passed at all.
"Mina's been kicking my ass in training. I just can't harden against her now that she's my girlfriend, it feels like abuse."
"Guess you gotta get used to getting spanked then," Bakugou laughs, like the words aren't a sting to his soul. They do laugh, they laugh so well it's a sore reminder of the time they've lost. Inevitably, at some point Kiri's voice fades down.
"What's with you and Izuku though? Is that... something I should be worried about?"
That confirmed it, the class had to be talking about it behind his back. Great.
"So that's why you wanted to see me. They sent you. Or did fucking Mina put you up to it?"
Kiri's brows lower, leaning in as Bakugou leaned back. "What's that mean...? I'm your best friend. I'm here to see you cause I want to."
Funny way of showing it.
He'd spent more time with fucking Shouto as of late.
But he knew these words were selfish. He was deathly afraid of being too clingy. Of letting it show how much Kirishima really meant to him. Red eyes clung to him, concerned. Bakugou couldn't let them hurt any longer.
"Same shit as always. It's only a problem as long as he makes it one. He needs to get over it."
Kiri's suspicious gaze changes.
"Yeah. I thought so. If there's anything I can do let me know."
Bakugo's chest went tight. If they were really best friends, he'd be honest. If he were honest, he'd tell Kirishima how he fells.
I liked you.
His heart beats as he thinks about it. It would change everything. It would make him look desperate and sad. Would Kirishima be disgusted, would he act supportive but wince on the inside? Would it be disrespectful to Mina, like cheating? Would it turn all their friends against him?
"You're coming up to mom's this week right?" They'd planned it a week ago by text. At the mention of it, Kirishima's smile drops and Bakugou knew what he'd known before even showing up. Of course Kiri wouldn't come.
"Shoot, this week? I forgot about it completely, me and Mina were gonna-"
"It's fine."
It wasn't.
"Are you sure?"
No.
"Yeahh, better you dating Mina than my mom."
Eijiro burst out laughing, cheeks hot pink, slapping Bakugou's shoulder and nodding in embarrassed agreement. The sound was so pure, the blush on his face so nostalgic, Bakugou felt a real smile tug at his lips for the first time in painfully long. With the cool autumn air around just them, the moment was perfect. Bakugou relaxed, accepting the happiness he remembered existed, until Kiri uttered a few words.
"Thanks man. And don't worry, you'll get a girl soon."
You'll get a girl soon.
It was fine at first, minor. A jarring assumption that he wanted the same thing as them. A kind wish to brush off. Now, it felt like an insult.
Poor, single Bakugou. Poor lonely, helpless fool. Like there was something wrong with him. Like he was a fucking disease who couldn't get along with anyone without scaring them away.
Bakugou glared as Kiri kept talking.
He wondered if they kept saying it because it made them feel good. Another way they were superior to him - so often the highest scorer, the strongest the best looking in the room.
Fucking assholes. He was starting to remember how it felt to be in middle school. To hate people, to prefer spending his time alone.
Hot tofu sizzled in the pan - the week's meal preps getting done now when the kitchen was his, so he could hide up in his room.
Tokoyami and the other quiet one were somewhere there in the background. They were fine. They'd been his favourite extra's for the past week because they knew better then to try and speak. Even still, he had his air pods in case some asshole like Iida or Jiro came to be friendly.
He was boiling pasta when he saw a blur of movement in his side, quiet and tall, whoever it was, a little taller than his own head. When it shifted into view, Bakugou's lower abdomen softened in the same way as his pasta.
It was the worst of the bunch - Izuku Midoriya. He hadn't seen him since he'd crushed his heart.
They hadn't spoken much since, curt when necessary. At all costs, avoiding those eyes. Izuku took a step closer, freckled face leaning to watch him.
"Kacchan?"
Bakugou eyed his pasta. It crossed his mind that he could make a Shouto Todoroki two.
But he didn't.
He had no music playing, but Deku didn't know that.
"Kacchan, can we talk?"
Silence.
"To tell you the truth... I know I'm not worthy, I always knew."
He came right up to the stove, an arms length apart. There was no way Katsuki hadn't seen him now. He was avoiding his gaze on purpose, clear as day.
Izuku was waiting, watching hard.
Katsuki could almost feel the eyes like they were touching his skin. He thought back to Todoroki's fucked up description of how Izuku stared at him. It was too much, Katsuki was overwhelemed. Suddenly, Izuku leaned in close.
Katsuki's heart rate shot up, Midoriya coming up behind him, breathing almost down his neck.
The warmth of his body felt good. His hair and skin smelled amazing.
Izuku opened his mouth, letting out a breath like he was lost for words. He had a golden opportunity right now and for it - too much to say. Bakugou was conscious of Tokoyami and Kouda not far away. If Deku tried to pull his air pods out of his ears, he'd kill him.
"I'm in love with you."
He confessed.
The whisper was not meant to be heard. He thought Katsuki couldn't hear him so he smiled, like it wasn't weird at all. Like the emotion in his voice wasn't killing Katsuki, who fought to keep his breathing calm. "I'll always be there for you. If it's a day from now or a decade. I'm forever yours."
He pulled away, eyes on Katsuki's face like -
Like he was the most important person in the world.
Like he would kiss him.
Then he walked away, leaving a trickle of goose bumps and a tingle of temptation under Katsuki's skin.