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it hurts so bad when youre gone, i miss you so bad. it hurts as though someone had just stabbed me in the stomach, gutting me, emptying me. as though i were on the path to rotting, but stopped before it could start, for i froze before i bled.
i take the knife, i make sure it's sharp... it is sharp, but i still make it sharper, and i put it in my basket. i look for a water bottle, and i fill it up; i put it in my basket. i pack my lunch, a chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato, halved into triangles to make it pretty; i wrap it with a napkin, i put it in my basket. i open the fridge and take out a slice of leftover cake i amade for you the other day, it has strawberry filling and chocolate bread; i wrap it with a napkin, put it in my basket. before i head out, i take my picnic blanket with me. i open the door, and i leave. it's freezing, you're not here.
i walk for a long while, i think "i should've brought a jacket with me", but i wont be needing it for long, you'll get here soon, ill be warm. i keep walking and i cant stop walking, until i find a nice patch of grass in between two trees. they'd give great shade, but you're not here yet. so i set up the picnic: i put down the blanket, and take out my lunch. i cant eat it, you're not here, im not hungry. i take out the cake, but it's for you, i cant have it. i drink some water, im glad i brought it; i walked for so long, i forgot how long, but im thirsty.
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you take so long, but just how long?
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im so tired, but i cant miss your arrival...
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im so sorry, i missed it... i must've fallen asleep. i was so tired, so cold, i must've frozen and gotten forced to sleep, im so sorry... but you're here now, you're here with me now, im not cold, and we can eat.
"do you like the cake i made? it has strawberry filling. i know you like that one..."
"would you like a sandwich? i dont need it, you can have it, you deserve it, i hope you like it..."
"oh... youre leaving again... but you didnt even touch the food i made! is it really that bad?"
don't worry, i have a use for it all. i wont have to be cold again.
i take the red jam filling off the cake and draw out an X shape on my stomach, nice and centre. i put the chicken from the sandwich and spread it around, for the animals to eat, yum and crunchy. i grab the knife out of the basket. i make sure it's sharp... it is sharp, but i still make it sharper. i look at you one last time before you leave again, i don't want you to see me like this, but it's better for the both of us, in the long run. you leave. i lay down on the wet grass, far from the blanket, and with a quick, strong movement i dig the knife into my skin, where the X was marked. i move the knife up and down, i open me up. blood comes out, so much blood comes out. it hurts, it hurts, but it will be better soon. i carve the X, i open me up. i take out all my organs, one by one. i take out my stomach, i take out my intestines, i take out my liver, i take out my diaphragm, i take out my lungs, i take out my kidneys. im empty, but i am warm... im so warm it reminds me of you. youll come back and youll put some of you in me. ill be warm forever; you will be with me forever. but i have to wait again, forever. i have to wait in the cold again, forever. i wish you'd come faster, but you have to rest. it's so cold, but you must rest.
and i shouldnt complain, i am warm now. but im in pain. so much pain. it's for you, it's just for you.
it hurts so bad when youre gone, i miss you so bad. it hurts as though someone had just stabbed me in the stomach, gutting me, emptying me. as though i were on the path to rotting, but stopped before it could start, for i froze before i bled
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"you're back... i missed you! do you like how i look? im warm now too! i love you, do you love me?" you love me; do i love you?