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Christmas magic. Is there anything more wonderful? Family, presents, fresh snow on the ground, warm food in the kitchen, new love under the mistletoe. It’s a miracle, a celebration of all that’s good in the world, a time when all men set aside their differences and come together in the spirit of kindness. Or something like that anyway.
Of course, you’re an adult now, and you know that’s pretty much bullshit. In fact, you were totally sitting there thinking “oh my god that’s such bullshit” or “oh my god, Hallmark movies are so good.” Either way, you were essentially correct. But just because the reason for the season has a certain patina of lies doesn’t mean Christmas magic isn’t real. Don’t believe it? You will.
Let’s just get this out of the way — Santa’s real. And before you ask, don’t. You’ve seen enough movies to have some idea of how this whole thing works. It’s magic. That’s it. Who needs to know the morphology required for a reindeer to be aerodynamic enough to fly when there’s literal magic at play? How does Santa warp space and time so that he can travel the world in one night? Magic. How does he know what every kid wants for the big day? Magic. No chimney to go down? Magic. Magic’s in the air, okay. Know what’s not magic though? The North Pole.
Honestly, the North Pole sucks. It’s bleak and windy and cold, but you already know this. What you don’t know, what nobody really knows, is why SC even set up workshoppe there in the first place. Clearly he didn’t need to hide to avoid detection because, as has been established, magic. Mrs. Claus claims he was just going through a really emo phase that millennium, but he’d never admit it. And if you’re thinking that’s unfair and he simply settled there because of the elves, you can just stop.
You see, the elves aren’t even from the North Pole. They’re from all over the world, and working at the shoppe is kind of a big deal for them. And no, you haven’t seen them, and, no, you can’t find their tiny neighborhoods, shelf surveillance academies, dental schools – etcetera, etcetera. So, you know, the elves came to Santa, not the other way around – and those elves and all the rest of the gang had been stuck at the Pole for centuries. It looked like things would never change, but when Chief Meteorologist Bitsy first uttered the words “polar vortex,” the Belly of Jelly was finally ready to move HQ.
So say you’re Santa Claus and you’ve been living in a frozen wasteland for longer than anyone wants to know, what would you do? If you said “move to somewhere warm and beautiful” then you win a malasada. What’s that, you ask? Well, this is actually where our story begins because, for once, ol’ Sandy Claws ain’t the star of the show.
Picture it, Hawaii, 2010. Daniel J. Williams. A textbook AN3 (Always Nice Never Naughty). He had a very close call in 1988, but he managed to stay on the right side of the list. He was mischievous and loud and kind of a jerk sometimes, but not bad – he was really good actually. Poor Danny was a hot mess that year though. His wife had left him, she’d taken their kid with her, and she was newly hitched to a rich and handsome developer. His life was a real shambles. But what did Danny do when faced with losing his daughter? He pulled up stakes and followed her to the other side of the world because he loved his little girl so much. See? He’s good. What wasn’t so good was how miserable he was, because guess where his little girl was? Somewhere warm and beautiful. Hawaii to be exact. Most people would be ecstatic to find themselves in paradise, Daniel though – job-hating, apartment-hating, ocean-hating Daniel – was at a point beyond low, or as folks in the industry like to say, he was in the middle of a full GBC (George Bailey Crisis).
Luckily for Danny, he was about to meet the person who would change his life forever. Steven J. McGarrett. A very nice boy himself until 1992 when he fell off the list completely and was designated an NB (Non-Believer). It’s always a blow to SC when that happens. See, most people truly think they don’t believe in Santa anymore. They’ve been taught that they shouldn’t, that it’s only something children believe, that logic can’t explain anything about Santa, so it must all be a lie.
As usual though, most people are wrong because way down deep, deep inside, a part of them still believes just a little bit. A part of them still hopes, and that’s really all it takes. So when someone like Steve had all his hopes snuffed out when he was still just a boy, it’s something to grieve. Heartbreaking as it is, the truth is that it also made him someone to watch. It’s a painful truth, but people with no hope left can be dangerous. Thankfully, being hopeless doesn’t have to be permanent. That spark inside, it can be relit. Luckily for Steve, he was about to meet the person who would change his life forever.
Now, even though this is an all new story for you, you will be pleased to know that there are still some parts that you’ll recognize. You can take a break now, is what I’m saying. Have a beverage and think about how wrong you’ve been your whole life about Christmas. Feel free to ponder all of the other things that you might’ve also been wrong about your whole life, then maybe have a stronger beverage. Anyway, take heart in the fact that at least here you know what happens next. Freddie, Steve’s dearest friend, is killed. John, Steve’s father, is killed. Steve heads home to Hawaii to track down the killer. Miserable Danny’s a cop, he’s on the scene, they fight, they get physical (not in the good way), Five-0 becomes a thing, blah, blah, blah. See? You know what happens. For those of you who don’t, please note that it was helpfully filmed by an elven surveillance team to monitor such a volatile situation and you can now stream it on Paramount+.
So now everything has come together on one little island, and since that island was Oahu, there’s something that the elves weren’t prepared for: surfing. Namely how much the Big Guy loved it and how much he truly sucked at it. They tried time and again to explain the dangers to Santa and begged him to please stop before he got himself killed. Like most men who aren't used to hearing "no" though, Santa didn't pay attention. What he did instead was sneak away at any chance he got to hit the waves without a full company of Triple-S (Santa's Secret Service) agents buzzing around.
Here’s the deal, you got a Seal, a cop, and a magical being all on a deserted beach in Hawaii — two of them wrapping up a case and one of them surfing badly. Now, surfing isn’t easy, but add in a dose of clumsy, if somewhat magical, haole who’s slipped the Triple-S and a surfboard that can crack a head open, and you have a recipe for disaster.
By the time the Triple-S tracked down Santa, he was already in the ER. Steve had saved him when SC wiped-out and knocked himself out cold. Danny had called it in and managed to do some basic triage on the Big Guy. Turns out Santa had a massive concussion and there was some serious concern that he might begin bleeding on his brain. All of which meant that Christmas was in serious trouble.
Of course, those of you who have seen the cult classic A Flintstone Christmas are probably thinking you know where this is going. Unfortunately, unlike Fred and Barney, Steve and Danny will not be delivering all of the presents to the children of the world. Mrs. Claus was perfectly capable of standing in for her husband. Between us, it wouldn’t even be the first time she’d done it.
Let’s pause for a moment. See, Steve and Danny are at a sorta pivot point here. Depending on what they do next, their lives can go a lot of different waves. You all know about the multiverse, I’m sure. You’re already familiar with the version of this story with Danny in a huge Santa suit and the gang gathered in his sad little apartment. That’s a cool version too even if it ended up taking a decade to get an unsatisfying ending. This version is a little different. You might even call it an alternate universe.
It being Christmas Eve and all, both Steve and Danny hadn’t been eager to leave the stranger they’d saved all alone. They were still waiting in the lobby when the the Triple-S pointed them out to Mrs. Claus. Now since Father Christmas wasn’t exactly compos mentis at that point, most of his powers had transferred to the missus, chief among those being access to the list and knowledge of what everyone wanted. She wouldn’t get far without those, you dig? So when she approached the partners, she immediately understood two things: they were very much in love with each other, and only one of them was a Believer.
Maybe it was because she was an old softie, maybe it was because she was a little emotional seeing her husband lying so still and pale, maybe she was just imminently practical, whatever it was, no way were these two going to spend ten more minutes apart, forget ten years. How did she do this? You’re expecting to hear about how she let Danny know that Steve’s perfect Christmas would be to hear three little words from him or how she let Steve know that he should invite Danny over for the night and finally make a move. If so, you are absolutely correct. And if you think she gave them just the slightest magical nudge when she did so? You’d also be right. That’s the beauty of magic – no subtlety required. Let’s be honest though, these two men were never going to respond to subtleties. They’d been through too much.
As Christmas morning dawned, a frankly exhausted Mrs. Claus summoned the energy to make one final stop before heading home to a recuperating husband, a stop a little more personal and just a bit indulgent. She'd never really had the chance to change anyone's direction so directly with magic, and she desperately wanted to know what'd happened. The sun had barely risen as the cloaked sleigh hovered over a familiar house on Piikoi. She’d only been soaking in the morning sun for a few moments before she saw Danny wander down toward the beach, two cups of coffee in his hands and a towel over his shoulder. By the time he sat the cups down, she could see Steve swimming hard back toward the shore. When he finally stood and walked up to Danny, he was grinning and reaching out for the towel Danny still had on his shoulder. The smaller man stopped him though, pulling at him until his head was bent so Danny would dry it gently. He continued this until Steve was completely dry all over before they sat in their chairs. They sat chatting a while before she finally used a bit of her powers to amplify their quiet voices.
“I… hell. Listen, you know I’m in love with you, but you got me worried, McGarrett. I’ve been waiting for you to fuck off out of here and ship out with some of your ocean buddies at any moment.” He deliberately refused to look at Steve.
Steve was looking at Danny though, gazing at his bright hair in the morning sunlight. “Danny, I’m not going anywhere. Not now.” He cleared his voice quietly. “For what it’s worth, I don’t want you to go either.”
Danny was finally looking back at him. “Steve, I’ve told you, as long as Grace is here, I’m here. I promise. But if she has to go…”
Steve reached over and wrapped his hand gently around Danny’s arm. “Hey, I know, I know Grace comes first, and she should. That’s one of the things I love about you.” Gathering his thoughts, he confessed, “I think maybe I don’t need you to promise you won’t go, but maybe what I need is for you to promise that you don’t want to go. “
And that was a heartbreaker, Danny’s face made that clear. Instead of crying over how fucking badly Steve had been treated over the years, he decided to be one person who refused to leave Steve behind. “I can do that. I can even do you one better. I promise that if I do have to go, I want you to go with me.”
Danny smiled at how wide those beautiful eyes could get when Steve was well and truly shocked. “You sure, Danny?”
“Yeah, babe. I’ve never been more sure.”
It took a few moments for Steve to catch his breath and stop himself from swooning at Danny’s feet. Eventually he nodded. “Okay, then I promise I’ll go with you.” They blinked back at each other, slowly grinning. “Danny, we’re about a half step away from getting fucking married or something so can I kiss you, please?”
And so he did.
Steve wasn’t grinning anymore when he came up for air, instead he was gazing down at his love like he’d hung the moon. And for the first time in her very, very long life, Mrs. Claus got to experience something utterly amazing: someone finding their hope again. If she’d been back at HQ, she would’ve had to cover her head against the blinding flash and thundering crash from a name gone so long appearing back on the Nice List. The cheer that went up when it happened was a wonderful finale to what had been a really stressful Christmas for everyone. Really though, how else was Steve McGarrett going to make a comeback but with an explosion?
So there you have it. A quick lesson on the ABC’s of Christmas and a brief reminder of what magic can do. The beauty of it is that it doesn’t really matter if you doubt every word of this story, magic is still there and Santa’s still your friend. There's still someone out there keeping an eye on you who wants to make your life better, who wants to make you happy. Will you be as happy as Steve and Danny? Maybe not because those two ended up really, really, really happy. But, hey, you gotta have goals, right?
Just promise to remember the three truths of Christmas: 1) Magic is real, 2) Santa and Mrs. Claus are real, and 3) Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie.
Merry Christmas, everybody.