Archive of Our Own

Jaehyun was born in late Joseon, around 1860 as far as he remembers. After being alive or whatever vampires are for an eternity, you learn to forget minor details. He lived a poor life, sold into slavery by his family when he was only a child. He no longer remembers the pain of being abandoned in exchange for a few coins. He also does not remember the pain of being beaten by his owners after long hours of forced labour. After hundreds of years of consciousness, Jaehyun only remembers the facts. With so much time available to reminisce, he even managed to find a reason why his family sold him. Sell the young and able child for some profit or die all together. The choice seems obvious when you think about it in a pragmatic way. Still, Jaehyun wonders if it wouldn’t have been better to die all together as a family instead of selling your own flesh and blood. He cannot know. He is not a parent and human emotions left him the day he was turned.

He remembers being a slave for at least 10 years before his life was taken away from him for a second time. By the time he reached the age of 19, the beatings had stopped. His owners realized he was useful and had quite the handsome face so they thought it better to take advantage of it. He was promoted -if going from the lowest level slave to just a slave could be considered a promotion- and Jaehyun no longer needed to take care of the animals and keeping the stables clean. A face like his needed to be at least on palanquin duty. There was nothing his owners liked more than showing off and having a young, attractive man carrying the lord and ladies of the house around but still being a tool to them, gave them the ultimate satisfaction. Jaehyun does not remember the pain of crouching down on the dirt to be used as a stepping tool for the lord and the ladies to unmount the palanquin, but he somehow remembers the earthy smell of rain that flowed through his nose and mouth when the lord stepped on his head and pushed him all the way down on the dirt road. It was just hours after that when everything changed, so it makes sense to Jaehyun that he so vividly remembers the details of that day.

His lord had told him to be back to pick him up long past sundown. When the moon was at its highest and brightest, Jaehyun had to be on his way to get the lord back from the entertainment house. The palanquin remained in the kisaeng house to be carried by himself and one of the guards who often accompanied the lord. Without any further delay, once the moon was at its highest point for the night, Jaehyun went on his way. As expected at that time of the night, the streets were deserted, the only thing stopping him from being completely hidden in the shadows, was the moon casting its bright light upon him and the dirt road. He saw a strange movement in one of the alleys where the light could not reach, but he assumed it was a house animal, often kept in hidden parts of the town. Nowadays, Jaehyun laughs when he thinks about how he mistook a vampire for a cow. Humans really are silly little things.

He does not remember much of how it happened. He only remembers an inhumane force pushing him into the darkness and the pain. He forgot the way many things felt, smelled, and tasted from his human life, but he never forgot the pain from his turning. He never forgot the feeling of fangs being buried deep on his neck, the metallic smell of blood as it flowed frantically from his neck, the desperation with which he tried to push the creature away to no avail and he never forgot the way he was left convulsing and writhing on the dirt floor. He could not forget the excruciating pain and lastly, how after what felt like hours, he lost consciousness.

⧪

Soft coughing sounds wake him up from his reverie, Jaehyun looks down and sees his beloved’s face twisting in pain. Softly, he takes a fragile hand in his own hand and carefully lifts it to his lips to kiss his palm before speaking.

“It’s alright my love. I am here with you. Soon it will all go away” Jaehyun deposits the hand back down but does not let go of it. With his free hand, he softly combs back the strands of hair that were once dyed a fiery red and now only held an opaque shade of white. Signs of aging he could not stop. The coughing stops and tired eyes look up at Jaehyun, even through the years and the weight of life now pushing to its final destination, Jaehyun still sees the same spark he fell in love with many years ago. His beloved's eyes close once more to continue his rest and with the little energy still remaining in his body, he softly presses Jaehun’s hand back.

⧪

When Jaehyun woke up from the immense pain, he found himself in the forest. He did not know how he got there but he was alone. He looked down at himself and realized he was covered in blood and dirt. He instinctively reached to his neck, but did not find an open wound. He could only feel the texture of dried blood. Disoriented and confused, Jaehyun stood up and tried to recognize the area, but he had never ventured into the forest. Feeling helpless and lost, he walked further outside the forest towards the sunlight to see if the light would help him somehow. As soon as he stepped into the light, he felt as if his head would split in half and could not bear to open his eyes. He did not think it was particularly bright before he stepped out, but he realized that after whatever happened to him, he was probably sensitive. Deciding them to be safe, he went back to the shadows and decided to rest for a moment. He sat with his back to a large tree and tried to slowly open his eyes again. The headache had subsided almost immediately, but he felt different. He looked down at his body and noticed how his skin had a dull pale look. Upon closer inspection, he realized his hands seemed larger, almost stronger and the same happened to his arms, protruding veins he never noticed before were now visible on the inside of both his arms. Since none of these things were possible, Jaehyun decided to stop and think about a way to get back. He would be in so much trouble with the lord, he would be beaten once he returned and if he did not return soon, they would send out someone to capture and most likely, kill him. Slaves could not run away with their life intact. Desperate and afraid for his life, Jaehyun pushed both his hands to his face and closed his eyes once more. Tears threatened to escape his eyes. Would it really be so bad if I died? Jaehyun thought. He considered his options. He did not know how long he was gone and even if he got back, no one would believe him, so dying on his own terms might be the least painful option. As he slowly brought his hands down, his pointer finger caught on something sharp protruding from his mouth. He purposefully touched whatever it was and realized it was his tooth. A rather large and sharp one. A cold shiver went through this body. He heard of this before. Tales of people disappearing, tales of monsters with sharp fangs, tales of blood sucking monsters. Tales of what happened if you ever encountered one and lived to tell the tale.

From the distance, he could hear there was a stream, his only way to see his reflection and quench his panic. In retrospect, Jaehyun now thinks about how in his fear-induced panic he did not stop to think that it wasn’t normal for a person to be able to hear a stream which was at least 5km away or to run there and arrive within minutes. Humans really are silly little things.

Weeks later, Jaehyun still hid himself in the forest. He was afraid of what he had become, of what he could do, but he was reaching the limit of what was left of his humanity. His body was burning from inside, asking him, forcing him to look for what he needed. He craved blood, he needed it to survive. He managed to find a wild boar and tried drinking its blood but before he could even take his first gulp, he retched uncontrollably. Human blood, his body told him.Unable to control himself and falling prey to his new instincts, Jaehyun became a predator.

He waited until nightfall and hid himself near the same place where he was converted, a dark alley near the kisaeng house. Jaehyun was driven by instinct alone and the necessity to satiate his thirst, his hunger. His first victim was a drunk men walking out of the kisaeng house, Jaehyun did not care who the man was, who was watching, his eyes zeroed on the pulsating neck of his prey, on the sweet relief blood would bring him, so once the man was close to him, he attacked. Frenzied and with unquenchable hunger, Jaehyun sunk his fangs in the man’s neck and drained him in seconds. He was always treated as something less than human, so he decided to become just that, and in doing so, Jaehyun lost the remaining speck of humanity remaining in his body.

For years Jaehyun lived, existed, driven only by instincts, uncontrollable hunger and resentment. He lured men and women and after fulfilling his carnal desires, he also fulfilled his instinctual needs for blood and more blood. Through trial and error he learned that blood given willingly tasted sweeter, was richer and more delicious. Blood from drunk people gave him a buzz, blood taken while he fucked his victims was warmer and gave him inmense pleasure. He learned to control himself whenever he wanted. He no longer needed to drain his prey to feel fulfilled, but in the heat of the moment, some lives were lost. Jaehyun did not care about them. He only cared about his enjoyment and he existed in a never-ending cycle of pleasure seeking fulfillment.

In his first 80 years as a vampire, Jaehyun went from town to town, or city to city. In 80 years, many things had changed. He was no longer living in Joseon, it was now 1959 and the nation name had changed. Jaehyun saw war, destruction, and dying bodies filling entire streets. Once he tried to suck the blood out of one of the bodies he found, but he could only taste sadness and despair, so he never tried that again. In all this time, Jaehyun had never run into another vampire or even sensed the presence of one. He also never tried looking for one, he had everything he needed while being alone.

In one of his blood excursions to Seoul, the new capital he had never been to before, Jaehyun, for the first time, ran into another vampire.

Jaehyun still stuck to his modus operandi. He usually waited in dark alleys close to bars or entertainment houses, those were the easiest places to find prey. A lonesome woman standing in a corner, a man selling drugs in a dark street, it was too easy. On that particular night, Jaehyun found his prey in a middle aged man walking down the street. He assessed the man and realized he was not drugged or drunk, which was ideal for him because Jaehyun did not feel like getting drunk that day. As usual, he waited in the dark corner and once the man was close by, he jumped out, but before he could move, a strong force was holding him back. Jaehyun turned his head around and snarled at what he realized were two people holding him back.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Jaehyun knew they were not regular humans and he was also outnumbered, but in 80 years no one had dared defy him, no one had even gotten close enough to restrain him.

“What the fuck is your problem?” The shorter of the two spoke first “This is our territory, who the fuck are you?” Jaehyun strained against the hold and was almost able to release himself but the other person pushed him harshly against the floor.

“Donghyuck, don’t even try to talk to him. He is just a feral, not better than an animal” Jaehyun snarled even louder and struggled against the hold they had on him. Jaehyun now thinks about this and laughs, he really acted like a wild animal back then.

“Let’s just bring him to Youngho so he can do something about him” Outnumbered and powerless, Jaehyun could do nothing but be forcefully dragged to whatever new faith awaited him.

⧪

Jaehyun feels the body he’s holding against his chest tremble. His beloved now making softs whimpers of pain as goosebumps rise on his skin.

“What is it, darling? Are you cold?” Jaehyun reaches towards the wrinkly, pale forehead and realizes it feels cooler to the touch than before. Jaehyun is loath to move away, but he cannot stand even a second of his love being in pain. He softly tries to move away to reach into the closet and grab a thicker blanket when a soft, raspy voice stops him “please don’t go” Jaehyun immediately stops in his tracks. He hasn’t heard him talking in hours, too weak to even form

words. Jaehyun feels his heart break into smaller pieces. I am not the one leaving, he thinks but doesn’t say it outloud. He would never reproach his love for anything. “I am here love, I just want to grab a blanket, you are too cold” Just then a shiver runs down the body laying on his and starts shaking uncontrollably. In moments like this, Jaehyun is thankful for his enhanced vampire speed, he leaves the bed and in a heartbeat and is back with a warm, thick blanket which he carefully places on top of his love. A few minutes later, the shivers stopped, but the strength of them left the frail body heaving. Jaehyun holds him closer to his body and drops a kiss on his forehead. “You are alright, love. I am here. I am not going anywhere”

⧪

Jaehyun was brought into a big house sitting outside of the city, surrounded by a deep, luscious forest. There were no gates leading up to the entrance, just an open grass area, trees and the house, which seemed to be sitting on top of a small hill. Despite how deep into the forest they were, Jehyun noticed the house and surrounding areas would probably be exposed to quite a lot of sunlight. He did not understand why his kind would expose themselves like that to the sun.

With both arms strongly held behind him, he was dragged and pushed inside the house where a tall, imposing vampire was already standing inside, waiting. A small part of Jaehyun panicked, but the bigger part wondered if this would finally be his end. He would have no regrets even if he were to die right then, is not like not like he was living anyway.

“Youngho hyung” One of the two vampires holding him spoke first, still keeping a strong hold on Jaehyun “we found this stray in the city. He was about to attack a human before we caught him. He seems to be feral. Look at his eyes.” It was then that Jaehyun looked up and realized that while his eyes usually carry a dark red hue to them, the eyes of these vampires resembled more the eyes of humans. He could see dark brown and in the eyes of Youngho, he saw the warmest shade of a deep honey color he had ever seen, he was mesmerized for a second before he remembered he was being held captive.

“You fuckers are calling me feral and an animal, as if you were not the same type of monster” Jaehyun did not care if he died, but he hated being held against his will. “Let me fucking go. Who the fuck are you all?”

Youngho quietly stared at the scene in front of him and allowed the new vampire a few minutes to collect himself and calm down, before addressing Jaehyun directly. Voice strong and commanding. Unwavering honey eyes looking into Jaehyun's own.

“You were hunting in our territory. You do realize this is basis enough for us to exterminate you, right?

Ah, so this is it.The end. At odds with the threat now being presented to him and his previous anger, a small smile made its way to his face. “Do what you need to do. I don’t fucking care. You would only do me a favor”

All three vampires frowned upon hearing Jaehyun’s words and exchanged looks with each other. This did not seem to be a simple case of a feral vampire. There was something more, something someone like Youngho would want to fix.

“Who is your sire?” Youngho asked as he walked in the direction of Jaehyun, observing him from a closer distance.

Realizing he had no way to escape from his current situation and with no real reason to oppose himself to death, Jaehyun realized cooperating would be the fastest way to end this.

“I don’t know what a sire is” Jaehyun really didn’t. Youngho’s frown only deepened.

“Who turned you?

“I don’t know, I don’t care”

“Where is your coven?”

“Can you stop asking me shit I don’t understand?”

Jaehyun looked up and realized Youngho’s eyes looked somehow softer. “Where is your family? Where do you live?”

Jaehyun paused for a second to process the word and then started to laugh uncontrollably on Youngho’s face, to the surprise of the others.

Where is your family, he said. Jaehyun does not have a family.

“What’s the point of a family when you’re a vampire? I have no one”

Jeehyun felt the hold on his arms falter but before he could attempt an escape, Youngho held his face between both his hands. He didn’t put any pressure, but in his hold, Jaehyun could feel his power and the warning: try anything and I will crush you.

“When were you turned?” Younho was giving Jaehyun a whiplash. The hand on his face warned him of his strength, but the voice addressing him compelled Jaehyun, for the first time in both mortal and immortal lives, to trust.

Captivated by Youngho’s eyes, Jaehyun simply answered “1879”

A soft gasp made Jaehyun turn his face to the right where he noticed two more vampires had joined the group. Jaehyun wanted to laugh. He had never seen another vampire in years and now he was suddenly in a house with at least 5 other vampires

Younho’s hands on Jaehyun’s face faltered, but he did not let go. The look on his eyes screamed pity, but Jaehyun could not understand why.

“You’ve been alone all this time?”

“Isn’t that just how it is?” Jaehyun answered after releasing a soft, pained laugh.

“It is not the only way. What is your name”

“Jaehyun”

“Jaehyun” Youngho called. Jaehyun did not remember the last time someone called his name, not even from the time when he was still a human. “Do you want to join this family”

Jaehyun’s head quickly snapped up, peering directly into Youngho’s eyes where he could see nothing but sincerity. His instincts told him to not trust this vampire. Jaehyun was a predator, predators don’t need a family. He existed just fine of his own and didn’t need anyone else to keep him company.

“Yes”

⧪

Looking down to the weak body of his beloved, still peacefully resting with his eyes closed, heaves now stopped and laying on his chest, Jaehyun is glad he took the decision to stay when Youngho’s coven found him and extended an invitation to join them. Though that decision has led him to this moment when he is feeling the greatest pain, it also allowed him the honor to feel the greatest, most unconditional love. And he would never regret either.

⧪

Getting used to coven life was a difficult task for Jaehyun who was so used to being alone. Little by little he started learning how to exist surrounded by others and also learned more about the other coven members. The two vampires who held him captive initially were called Donghyuck and Minhyung. They were the youngest of the coven, both converted just a few years back by Youngho who found them on the verge of death by starvation as humans and upon looking at their eyes, wanted to give them a second chance where they didn’t need to suffer. Since then, as Jaehyun learned, both Donghyuck and Minhyung became very loyal to Youngho and treated him like an older brother. The guy Jaehyun had heard gasping on the side when he was first brought in was called Taeyong. Both him and Youngho had been converted by the same vampire but had no loyalty towards him, so they left. The last member was called Dongyoung. Jaehyun had not yet learned much about him, but for what little he heard and could infer, he and Dongyoung’s beginnings as vampires seemed to share some similarities.

Getting used to coven life was difficult, but learning how to behave like a civilized vampire was even harder. Youngho put him in a strict training plan. The moment he joined the coven, he was forbidden from ever consuming human blood again. He was outraged when they told him this. How would he even be supposed to survive without human blood? He tried to consume animal blood once and it was so disgusting he could not even continue. He told Youngho as much and in return, Youngho explained that for a newly turned vampire, animal blood would be impossible to digest, he needed to be trained to be able to take in animal blood and he expected that it would be hard for Jaehyun since he had been consuming human blood for so long. Saying that it was hard was an understatement. He tried, he really tried but his body would not let him. Every time he got as far as putting his fangs on a cow’s veins, he would retch just as the first time. The other vampires tried to force feed him but his body was not getting enough sustenance. Weak and in pain from the lack of blood, Jaehyun begged Youngho to please help him.

“Jaehyun, I will let you do this once, but afterwards you must start drinking animal blood and nothing else. Do you understand?” Youngho told him and Jaehyun was relieved. He needed human blood, his body craved it and was punishing him for not giving it to it. Jaehyun was already thinking of the feeling of sinking his fangs on a warm human neck,the blood that would start flowing in his mouth and the immediate relief he would feel. In his daydreaming, he had not realized that Youngho was now closer to him with his wrist in front of Jaehyun's face.

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun eyed Youngho’s wrist warily and then looked at him.

“Drink from me” On instinct, Jaehyun slapped Youngho’s hand away. Drinking from another vampire sounded disgusting.

“Jaehyun, don’t be a child. You asked for help and I am giving it to you. Drink from me now. You are too weak, you cannot even stand for fucks sake. This will help you” Younho was exasperated. It surprised Jaehyun that anyone would care as much for him, but he appreciated it nonetheless. So he sank his fangs on Youngho’s wrist and started feeding.

The taste was not as good as human, but it was definitely better than animal. There was still a hint of animal somewhere there, but it was sweeter, none of that rancid animal taste. Jaehyun drank and drank until a hand softly pushed him away, he didn’t realize how much he drank but his body felt brand new once again. With a last gulp, Jaehyun removed his fangs and softly licked the wound. They would naturally close on their own, but it was a force of habit. When he looked up at Youngho, he was surprised to see him looking down at him with a soft smile on his face, the hand that had pushed him away at first, now patting his cheeks.

“You need to try harder, Jaehyun. Drinking animal blood is not easy for us either, but we all made an effort. You can do the same, right?

Jaehyun only nodded and disappeared to his room.

In his years of solitude, Jaehyun had failed to learn about the capabilities of vampires, but with the help of his coven, he learned more about the nature of vampires.

“We can be in the sun, Jaehyun” Youngho explained to him once Jaehyun questioned him about where the other coven members went during the day. “You probably realize that your body experiences some discomfort when you go outside, but it doesn’t kill you”

Jaehyun snorted and told him his first experience with sunlight. How he felt as if his head would split and his eyes burn out from the brightness. As always, Youngho calmly explained to him that this is also hard for new vampires. “It takes effort, Jaehyun. You will bear a lot of pain at first, but eventually your body will get used to the sunlight. Eventually, the most you will feel after long exposures to sunlight will be a headache”

So in addition to animal blood drinking training, he started sun exposure training.

Other members of the coven started to get close to him. Minhyung who originally avoided him, especially after Youngho let him feed from him, also tried talking to him more often. They were all curious about how he lived alone during all that time and, despite his burning shame for existing as no more than a wild animal, Jaehyun told them about his first 80 years as a vampire. None of them reproached him. Youngho often reminded him that it was not his fault. He was left alone as a new vampire without any knowledge or help, he did what he had to do to survive.

Jaehyun always found that funny. How could a body without a life survive.

Eventually, Jaehyun got used to drinking animal blood and could face the sun easier than before. He would still get strong headaches from just an hour outside, but he was improving. Once he got his instincts under control, Taeyong took it upon himself to help him learn how to read and write. Jaehyun had never cared for that, he knew how to talk, hunt and lure people in. Reading and writing were never a requirement for that.

With lots of time and patience, Jaehyun learned how to read and write hangul. Taeyong went as far as to guide him through school books to give him enough knowledge to make him a functional member of society. Jaehyun did not see the point in this. He could read and write and was not planning on ever leaving the house, lest he defaults back to his animalistic ways, but Taeyong together with the other members of the coven, encouraged him to keep learning.

He remained trapped by choice in the coven house for at least 20 years, only going outside to hunt and take in some sunlight, but never ventured further away than the forest.

“Jaehyun, we’re going to the city today” Youngho informed him. “You cannot live trapped in this house. You are not the same person you were when you first arrived, you need to learn how to live with what you are” Jaehyun looked up from the book he was reading and smiled a self-deprecating smile “Youngho, I am not living. There is no reason for me to try to be more than what I am”

It always pained Youngho to hear Jaehyun speak like that about himself. Youngho wished Jaehyun could see what he saw. A man who was hurt, a man who was failed by others multiple times but with a desire to improve, a man with a beautiful heart hidden behind thorns. Youngho knew Jaehyun had many opportunities to escape, yet he didn’t. He decided to stay with his new family and change. He wanted to be better, but would not let himself be more than a soulless monster. Youngho wanted to help him, wanted to see a genuine smile adorn his face, wanted to give him a will to live, not just exist.

“We’re going out, that is final. You’ve been training for years now, it is time to put all of that to practice” Youngho said firmly yet his resolve faltered when he saw Jaehyun’s scared face

“But what if I smell human blood and go crazy again? What if I kill someone and devour them like an animal because I cannot control myself?

“Jaehyun, you are not an animal, you know how to control yourself. We will all be there with you, in case something goes wrong, which it won’t, we will be there to stop you” Yooungho reassured him and carefully slid the book out of Jaehyun’s hand and after putting the bookmark in the page he was reading, closed it and set it back on the table.

“Let’s go”

Jaehyun’s first outing to the city after years of reclusion went better than expected. He was anxious and scared, but he was able to blend in fine. Or as fine as a grown man flagged by two shorter, younger men could blend in. They stayed out for hours and returned only after the sun had set. Jaehyun sported a splitting headache from all the sun exposure, but was otherwise unharmed, and also caused no harm to anyone.

“I’m proud of you, Jaehyun. You did great today” For the first time in 20 years, the small smile on Jaehyun’s face was genuine.

⧪

In an unexpected bout of strength, the frail body laying on Jaehyun’s own raises his hand and places it on Jaehyun’s face, softly caressing him and making Jaehyun’s breath hitch and his face turn to peer into the eyes of his love. Jaehyun hopes, once more, that this time he will be allowed to do it, that he will be allowed to keep their love going for eternity, but just as fast as the hand reaches his face, it falls back to his chest, his love submerged in slumber once more. Jaehyun tries his best to keep the pain bleeding from his heart to escape from his eyes.

⧪

Despite his success in existing closer to humans, Jaehyun still preferred to stay inside the house. He did not mind going to the city to run errands, or accompany any of the other coven members on a walk, but he did not feel like being surrounded by humans on his own, there was nothing there for him after all. Regardless of his lack of interest in joining the human world, he could not help but be amazed at how the world had changed. The year was now 2019 and nothing was as before. He still read books sometimes, but he found a new passion in music. Advances in technology making it easier for him to carry a small device with him and listen to unlimited amounts of music of all kinds and at any time without disturbing others. They didn’t need to sleep, but everyone appreciated their peace and quiet. Everyone except Donghyuck who watched dramas and movies at all hours of the day in their common TV, with the volumen at its highest regardless of their enhanced hearing sense. Somehow no one had tried to tell him to stop, Jaehyun assumed it had something to do with the power he seemed to possess of always making others agree to whatever he wanted.

So despite how little he went outside, Jaehyun knew how things worked now. He even managed to get a formal education through homeschooling, courtesy of Taeyong, and online classes, and managed to secure a high school diploma after taking the necessary exams. His knowledge level was beyond that of a high schooler, but it was the first time he received the acknowledgement that he indeed knew things.

His relationship with the coven continued being good. On his 40th year there, a new vampire joined them. His name was Taeil and he was the actual oldest of them all. He was even older than Youngo, Donghyuck would call him ancient and Taeil would laugh without confirming nor denying anything. He was part of a well known coven located in Jeju, but he didn’t like how things were done there and after hearing about Youngho’s coven he wanted to join them. Jaehyun thought it would be uncomfortable with a potentially ancient vampire joining them, but Taeil was the most comfortable guy to be around. Everyone took a liking to him immediately and it was not a secret for anyone that Donghyuck was specially smitten by him.

So while Jaehyun was content in the coven, he would not say he was happy. He assumed happiness was only reserved for those who lived, those who had humanity in them and a beating heart.

“I think you should enroll in university” Taeil told him one day while they were laying in the grass outside taking in the sun. “You just got your high school diploma and I could tell you were proud of that, so why not enroll in university as well and get some more advanced knowledge?”

Jaehyun considered it and it was actually not a bad idea, Taeyong had suggested to him the same already. “I might do that actually. Taeyong showed me some degrees which are interesting and their online programs are good. I would never have to physically go to the university”

“I was thinking you should actually enroll in university and go to classes on campus. I think that would be a good experience for you” Jaehyun immediately sat down and looked down at Taeil as if he grew another head.

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Why not?” This time Taeil sat down as well and looked up at Jaehyun. “You barely leave this house, Jaehyun. This is not a life” he continued just before Jaehyun could interrupt him “I know, i know, I am not alive, this is not a life” said Taeil imitating Jaehyun’s voice who despite the seriousness of the conversation dropped a quick laugh at Taeil’s attempt of imitating his deep voice. “I know this is what you think, Jaehyun, but look around you. You have trapped yourself in this house for 60 years already, you almost never go out, you don’t try to fully adapt to the changes around you. I know I joined this coven after you, but I can tell that everyone in this house has done their best to help you, and I do know that you have also worked so hard to get to where you are, but you are stuck now. You’re no longer moving. I know you want more than this Jaehyun, don’t let your fears stop you from doing what you want”

That day Jaehyun went online and sent his college applications.

⧪

Years later, Taeil would tell Jaehyun that he was sorry for convincing him to go to university, he felt responsible for the pain that now plagued Jaehyun’s heart. “Hyung, don’t apologize. It was thanks to you I learned to chase after what I want without any fear. It was thanks to that I learned what living feels like”

⧪

Jaehyun managed to get into the arts program in a university located in Seoul. He was told by the admissions advisor that it was recommended that he stay in the dorms during his first year but he immediately declined that offer. Everyone in the coven congratulated him for his admission and spent the entire day telling him how proud they were of him for taking the step. Youngho reassured him he didn’t have to worry about money, he would cover all his expenses. Jaehyun still did not know much about Youngho’s human business, but it was quite lucrative if the gadgets they always received from him were anything to go by.

Before his classes started, he went on a city outing with Donghyuck and Minhyung to learn how to behave more like a human. “No offense, hyung but you look as if you’re brooding all the time. Humans will find you intimidating” Donghyuck said and Jaehyun could not really see an issue with that. He did not particularly want any humans getting too close. But more than that, Jaehyun needed to learn some basic human functions like taking public transportation and eating. Jaehyun was shocked at first to hear that vampires could actually eat human food, he had never tried it. “Well, we cannot actually eat human food” Jaehyun was surprised to see Dongyoung joining the youngest during their lesson of Human 101 they were giving Jaehyun before they embarked on the city field trip. “We can hold onto some human food in our stomachs for a while and then we have to throw it up. It is not pleasant, but it helps us pretend whenever it is necessary” Jaehyun might be a vampire who consumes blood on a regular basis, but that sounded just disgusting.

Jaehyun should have known better than to believe going out to the city with Donghyuck and Minhyung would be any useful at all. They were in Seoul for two hours already and the most they had tried to teach him about public transportation was pointing at vehicles and asking him to name them. The rest of the time was spent in the PC room where Donghyuck played online games and yelled at Minhyung for being bad at them. As if sensing the situation, Youngho called Jaehyun and asked him how the trip was going. He was not surprised.

A few minutes later, Youngho showed up to the arcade and offered to take Jaehyun with him to actually show him how to go around. The moment Youngho appeared, Minhyung dropped his game and decided to become useful. Donghyuck decided to stay playing.

The three of them embarked on the discovery trip and by the end of it, Jaehyun obtained a transportation pass, information on how to recharge it every month, basic knowledge on subway lines and buses connecting to his university, and a headache-inducing map of metropolitan Seoul transportation system. On their way back home, by bus and subway as Jaehyun needed practice, Youngho placed his arm across Jaehyun’s shoulders and didn’t let go. The smile on Youngho’s face didn’t subside either.

Jaehyun made his way to the city, by public transportation of course, and while he re-assured his family that he was fine, the nerves wracking his body were almost impossible to bear. He kept second guessing himself, thinking this was a terrible idea, on more than one occasion he almost turned back and went home, but Taeil’s words resounded within him every time: don’t let your fears stop you from doing what you want. Jaehyun never fully thought about it before Taeil mentioned it, but deep inside, he wanted this. Even if he was playing pretend, he wanted to be able to experience the opportunity that was ripped out of him. He knew that as a servant human he would not have gotten this anyway, but he had a chance at doing something, and he wanted to at least try.

With a campus map on hand, Jaehyun made his way to his first class. He started university as a freshman so despite already knowing all the basics, he had to sit through all the introductory classes. Might as well get the full experience, he thought.

His first class was in a large auditorium that was not quite full, he could see some empty seats in the front so he made his way there. He assumed not many people would want to sit there so he could be alone. Just minutes before class started, a guy with wild, shoulder length black hair rushed into the classroom and took the seat right next to Jaehyun, even though there were other empty seats. Jaehyun considered the option of moving, but he didn’t have the opportunity of doing so before the professor walked in and started the lecture.

Since becoming a vampire, Jaehyun had never listened so attentively to a human before, but his professor was engaging, even dropping a few jokes that made him politely smile. The guy next to him had no reservations though, he laughed unashamedly as if he wasn’t surrounded by at least 100 other people. Jaehyun looked to the side and caught the eye of his neighbor who smiled at him widely. Jaehyun did not know what he did to deserve that smile, but without noticing, he answered with a small smile of his own.

Once class was over, Jaehyun immediately picked up his stuff and made way for the door, looking down at his map to find his next class. His class wasn't for another 40 minutes, but since he was unfamiliar with campus, he wanted to get a head start. It took him 10 minutes to find his next classroom. Jaehyun was still figuring out the best way to walk normally. Donghyuck had told him he walked too fast to seem normal so he slowed down considerably until Minhyung told him he was walking too slow. Hyung, it’s called balance. So Jaehyun was trying to find that balance. He might need to observe people to know if 10 minutes was a normal time to get from his previous building to this one. There was a bench near the door of his class, so he sat there to wait for his next class. 20 minutes before the start time for his class, the same guy showed up and after dedicated that same big smile to Jaehyun again.

“Wow you got here fast!” Was the first thing the guy said as he took the seat right next to Jaenhyun once more “it took me a while to find this classroom. The building is so large so it’s easy to spot from a distance, but this classroom is nearly impossible to get to. How can they even have classrooms at basement level? Crazy, right?” Jaehyun did not know what to do, so he only stared at the guy and didn’t answer.

“Oh man, I didn’t even introduce myself. My name is Yuta. We had the same class just before this one, I sat next to you. Did you see me?”

Jaehyun learned how to get a public transportation pass, take the subway, navigate campus using a map, but no one taught him how to maintain a friendly conversation with a human. All his previous human interactions were transactional at best. He never stayed long enough to get to know someone in his 80 years as a vampire.

Jaehyun knew however that staying quiet and staring was not normal human behavior, so he did his best to appear less like a weirdo and more like a freshman college student

“Yeah, I saw you” He finally replied and the guy continued looking at him expectantly, the smile on his face never disappearing. Jaehyun didn’t know what he wanted from him, so he followed with what seemed to make sense in that situation “I’m Jaehyun”

“Hi Jaehyun, nice to meet you!”

⧪

Jaehyun smiles fondly remembering the day he first met Yuta. He was so energetic even from that first day, speaking a mile a minute even though they were complete strangers. Jaehyun should have known then that there would be no way out for him the moment those sparkling eyes and full, lovely smile were directed at him. Though Yuta’s eyes were now slowly losing their light, Jaehyun knew the spark was still there.

⧪

As it turned out, Jaehyun ended up sharing two more classes with Yuta. So they saw each other almost every day of the week. When Yuta saw him first in the third class they shared, he quickly went up to him and greeted him as if they were old friends. When the 4th class arrived two days later, Jaehyun could hear Yuta cackling from a distance and he softly laughed as well and emptied the space he had unconsciously saved next to him in the hopes that Yuta would show up again.

They became easy friends. Yuta’s energy and friendliness made up for Jaehyun’s quiet attitude. Yuta didn’t seem to mind that Jaehyun spoke little, content with keeping the conversation going and asking Jaehyun questions to hear more from him.

“So what made you choose art? What are you trying to do with it?” Yuta asked him while they were on the way to the building for their second shared class of the day. Jaehyun learned that 15 minutes allowed for a more natural walking time towards the building and 10 erred on the side of "too rushed, why are you even trying to get there so early?" Was what Yuta said when they first walked together.

“I like looking at paintings. They bring me a sense of understanding of things I’m not so familiar with” Jaehyun answered. “I especially like those paintings that depict basic human emotions like love, admiration, fear and the like. It’s interesting to me to see how a person can put that into canvas with a specific image in mind, but when others see it, they might interpret it in completely different ways. So I guess I wanted to learn about that, how to appreciate it from the eyes of the artist” Yuta attentively listened to Jaehyun without interrupting and Jaehyun suddenly felt shy. This was probably his first time speaking so much in one go.

“I think that’s the purpose of art, you know? It should be interpreted by the eyes of the person who sees it, not necessarily by the person who creates it. At the end of the day, we all feel and live differently, so that’s going to affect how you interpret certain emotions in a painting” Yuta replied to him as they were already making their way inside the classroom, sitting next to each other in the seats which were now unofficially reserved for them. “I hope you’re able to find your own meaning, Jaehyun”

Even though long dead and still, Jaehyun felt as if his heart could beat again.

5 months later, Jaehyun and Yuta became inseparable. They studied together, went to the park near campus together and on occasions, even ate together. Yuta seemed to really enjoy food, he would make even the smallest of meals into a whole experience. “You sure you’re ok? You eat so little” Yuta would ask him and Jaehyun had to make excuses for himself “yeah, I just had a really big breakfast today so I am not really hungry” Yuta would let it go and then asked him to eat once more.

“I will cook for you, Jaehyun” Yuta greeted him with this when they met up at the steps leading up to the library. “I think you’re never hungry because you haven’t tried really good food, and I don’t mean to brag” Jaehyun could definitely see the smug look on Yuta’s face. “But I am a great cook. Once you try my food you will not want to eat anything else” Jaehyun had to stop himself from snorting. He didn’t want to try any food at all. “Sure, let’s see if you’re really as good as you say”

Days later, Jaehyun made his way to Yuta’s apartment which he shared with another one person and braced himself (and his stomach) for the food he would have to force down. He rang the bell and a man he had never seen before opened the door

“Oh hey, you must be Jaehyun. Come on in” Jaehyun nodded in greeting and stepped in. “Man, thanks for this by the way” The guy continued talking as Jaehyun was removing his shoes.

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun asked as he eyed the guy weirdly.

“Yuta cooked a whole spread today. I was salivating just from the smell. He loves to cook, and eat as you could probably tell, but he doesn’t always have the time to prepare as much as he wants. You are so lucky” Jaehyun smiled at the guy but he felt remorse course through him. Yuta had prepared so much for him yet he would have to throw it all up as soon as he left his house. At least he could put on his best face forward and pretend he enjoyed the food.

“Jaehyun!” Yuta yelled from somewhere inside the apartment. “You made it!” Yuta ran up to him, wearing a pale blue apron and hugged him tightly. His newly dyed bright red hair usually let loose and unruly now carefully tucked in a bum. Hugging was a new development to their relationship, one Jaehyun was always happy to indulge in. Jaehyun returned the hug with just as much strength. “I see you met my roommate, but he probably started talking about food before even greeting you” Yuta rolled his eyes at his roommate who only laughed at him. “Sorry man, my name is Jungwoo, nice meeting you” They exchanged pleasantries and Jungwoo excused himself to his room, but not without winking at Jaehyun before disappearing behind his door.

“I prepared Japanese food today, I hope that’s ok with you?” Yuta hesitated but Jaehyun would really just eat anything Yuta made him, even if his body would punish him for it later. So he told him as much, excluding the part about him not being able to actually eat. But it was all worth it when he got to see the beautiful smile Yuta directed at him.

Jaehyun’s heart continue to ghost-beat inside his chest

Once it was time to eat, Jungwoo joined them again and they all sat at the dining table and dug in as soon as Yuta finished explaining every dish. For the first, and not the last while being with Yuta, Jaehyun wished he could enjoy food as much as Yuta did.

Jaehyun was enamoured with the way Yuta described every dish, from the way he carefully cut the ingredientes to the preparation and even the story behind them.

“Back when we were still in Japan, my dad would cook this for us every Sunday. That was our family day” Yuta said in between bites. “He loved making this for us even if it took a lot of effort. My mom was really happy when I made it for her for the first time. She hadn’t eaten this in years after my dad passed” Jaehyun had heard of Yuta’s parents from him before. He was originally from Japan, but moved to Korea with his mother a few years after his dad passed away. Jaehyun could tell how much love he still carried for his dad even if he was no longer with them. “My mom often tells me that just like my dad, food is my love language” Yuta continued and Jaehyun interrupted him for a moment to ask what did that mean.

“Well, according to my mom, it means that I express my love and affection for the people I care about through food. Whether it is eating with them or cooking for them” Yuta paused and laughed before continuing “though I think that I just really love food too much” On Yuta’s side, Jungwoo made a funny noise through his nose in agreement, but Jaehyun could see it. He could see how important food was for Yuta and he knew, right then, that if cooking for Jaehyun was something that would bring him happiness, he would gladly eat everything Yuta made for him.

It slowly creeped upon him, and before Jaehyun had the chance to acknowledge it or will it to stop, he was already in love with Yuta. He thought he should be worried about it, but for the first time, he was surrounded by such happiness that he let himself bask in it. When he arrived home, Youngho was the first person to greet him back and upon seeing the smile on Jaehyun’s face, he easily smiled in return. “Did you have a good day?” Youngho asked him.

“Yes, the best day”

⧪

Jaehyun hears him before even being able to see him. “Jaehyun, you don’t have to do this to yourself. He is selfish and you don’t have to suffer because of him” Youngho tells him once more. Jaehyun already lost count of how many times Youngho told him the same. “It’s not selfish to live and die under your own conditions, Youngho.” Jaehyun looked up to meet Youngho’s eyes, seeing pity and pain all over them “I am happy he chose me to share the life he was given”

⧪

Jaehyun’s happiness was visible to everyone in the coven. After all, they had spent years seeing him quietly go through his days without any excitement or purpose.

“What’s got you so happy these days?” Taeil asked him one day when they went out to hunt together.

“I made a new friend from one of my classes.” He makes me feel alive. Jaehyun thought but didn’t say it outloud, refraining himself from giving too much away. He was not planning on disclosing his feelings to anyone, not even to Yuta, content with only feeling.

“I am happy for you Jaehyun” Taeil said honestly “I’m glad you can finally see that it is worth it to live even under the circumstances that we were put into. There’s so much out there for you if only you take the step” Jaehyun made a soft noise of acknowledgement, but Taeil’s choice of words made him stop for a second. It is worth to live. Because it was indeed worth living rather than simply existing when Yuta was by his side.

Their first semester ended and with it winter holidays came by. Jaehyun had watched enough TV with Donghyuck to know that it was customary for people to go visit their family during the holidays, so he was surprised to hear from Yuta that instead of going to Japan with his mother to visit his grandma, he would stay in Korea. “We don’t really celebrate the holidays. My mom will go because she wants to have, as she called it, a girls retreat with my grandma, so I wasn't invited anyway” Jaehyun smiled when he saw Yuta’s scrunch his nose after calling it a girls retreat. “So I decided instead to stay here and get a job for the holidays and maybe even keep it into the next semester” Jaehyun knew Yuta was well off. He heard about it from Yuta before. His family was in the business of pottery and had been in it for decades, closer to a century already. Their pieces were quite beautiful and delicate and Jaehyun had seen some of them decorating Yuta’s apartment. He was surprised to see the price tag for some of them online, so he could not understand why Yuta would want to work if he didn’t really have to.

“Well yeah, I don’t really have to, but I want to, you know? I think it would be a good learning experience for me. I already have a job lined up in my grandma’s company a few years down the line, but I might as well try to do something different and live it up a little”

Jaehyun once asked him if he was happy with that, with essentially being forced into a job he didn’t choose for himself. “I wouldn’t say I am being forced. That’s a little too strong Jaehyun-ah” Jaehyun-ah. Another development in their relationship. “It is true I didn’t choose this path for myself but I enjoy pottery, there’s actually a lot of art and passion behind every single piece. Growing up, my grandma would take me with her to her studio and teach me all sorts of techniques. I learned that pottery is more than just sitting behind clay and making a plate, compared to what you might think” Jaehyun sheepishly laughed. He had told that to Yuta once. “I learned that you can create a story behind every piece, you can pour your feelings into it and hope those feelings will touch someone’s heart. The feeling of seeing something you create going out in the world is amazing, Jaehyun-ah” Jaehyun gathered every piece of information Yuta disclosed about himself and saved it in both his memory and heart. Every word Yuta spoke was precious to him. He admired Yuta’s resilience, and he could see for a fact that there would actually be no way for anyone to force Yuta to do something he didn’t want to.

“So I found this job as a coffee shop not far from my apartment. I’ve never tried doing anything like that but I like coffee so that should be enough, I guess” Jaehyun admired this about Yuta. He never shied away from trying new things, he had never met anyone with such passion for life and getting the best out of any experiences available.

“I will come visit you, I’ve never tried coffee before” it was said as an passing comment, but Yuta was scandalized. “Jaehyun?! What do you mean you’ve never had coffee? How do you even live? You sure you’re a college student?” Jaehyun could just laugh at Yuta’s big reaction, he often did that. Whenever Jaehyun told him he had never done something, he would drag him to do exactly that. That’s how he found himself in unexpected situations like climbing a rock wall, swimming in a pool and jumping rope. So he knew what was coming. “I will take you to drink coffee right now, and you don’t have to like it, but you have to try it!” With Yuta, Jaehyun wanted to try it all, each and every single experience that would bring him closer to the humanity Yuta so dearly held onto, Jaehyun wanted to experience it. So he found himself drinking coffee, which of course did not taste like anything to him, but the smell wasn’t like anything he had smelled before, and he found that the quite liked it.

“You should come work with me, they still have some spots open” Jaehyun snorted into his coffee. A vampire working in a coffee shop, probably never seen before. “I don’t think that’s for me Yuta”

“Why? I think you would be great at it and your face will bring in all the customers” Yuta winked at him and Jaehyun felt his ears warm up. He should know to feed only a little before meeting Yuta who had the habit of making him blush. Having fresh blood on his body always made his reactions more noticeable. Yuta laughed at Jaehyun and pinched his ears “cute.”

Jaehyun decided to ignore the blush he felt rushing to his cheeks. “I’ve never worked before, I don’t think I can do it” When Yuta looked at him with fire in his eyes, he knew he would have a long night at home researching how to make coffee.

Eventually Jaehyun and Yuta started working together at the coffee shop near Yuta’s place.

⧪

When Jaehyun cannot control his emotions and is about to give into his despair and urges, the smell from the cup of coffee Taeil deposited on his bedside table manages to calm him down. It brings him back to the happy memories of a youthful Yuta who enjoyed even the most mundane of tasks in that little coffee shop. Memories of when their love began to bloom.

⧪

Jaehyun and Yuta worked throughout the winter holidays, deciding to keep their jobs as part-time even when the spring semester began. By the end of their first year in university, when the sun was at its highest and warmest, Yuta made Jaehyun feel flowers bloom in his chest.

“Jaehyun, I have to tell you something, but don’t feel like you have to reply. I just want you to know, okay?” Yuta looked nervous which was uncommon for him, so in the few seconds before Yuta continued, Jaehyun went through all sorts of scenarios in his head. He was afraid. “Okay, I’m listening” Despite his inner panic, he managed to reply evenly.

“Jaehyun… I, I like you. Like, really really like you. More than like you, I think, no, I’m sure, I love you, or am very close to it” Jaehyun was winded, he felt as if his still heart would come out of his ribcage at any moment. “I know we’re friends and I am happy remaining just as that if that’s what you prefer, but I wanted you to know. I could not live with myself if I never told you how I felt about you. So yeah, there it is”

Jaehyun could not answer, he was filled with such pure, unadulterated happiness for the first time in his life that he didn’t know how to reply. This was everything he wanted and more. To have Yuta. To have Yuta love him, want him, think about him and now he could have it. But Jaehyun was not alive, how could he deserve someone as full of life and love as Yuta? Yuta deserved someone better, he deserved someone with a beating heart, someone with humanity, not a monster like him. Yuta always made him forget what he was and think instead of what he could be, but could he really be that which Yuta wanted? Jaehyun wanted to think that he could, but he was not sure.

“Yuta, I can’t, I’m…” I’m not good for you. Jaehyun knew Yuta deserved better than him, but he loved him, he wanted him more than anything in this world. Jaehyun hesitated, the words he needed to say were on the tip of his tongue, but the words he wanted to say were ripping through his heart, making their way up his chest, ready to see the light of day. Ready to reach Yuta’s ears.

“Jaehyun, look at me,” Yuta said as he carefully reached for Jaehyun’s cheek and brought his face up. Soft, so soft Jaehyun wanted to cry. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. You can forget about it. I would rather keep you as a friend than not have you at all, okay? We’ll be fine” Jaehyun felt disarmed when Yuta looked at him with a sincere smile. How could Yuta be so selfless while Jaehyun was about to lose the battle with himself and give in to his desires. Jaehyun would also prefer to keep Yuta as a friend than not have him at all… but to be able to have him?

Don’t let your fears stop you from doing what you want

Jaehyun knew from the moment Yuta first smiled at him that he lost.

“Yuta, I love you. I love you so much. You have me, all of me” Jaehyun bared all his feelings, he would not be afraid anymore. Yuta was his life. Yuta was the life he wanted to live, and he would not let life escape from his hands once more.

With unshed tears in his eyes and a smile that could rival the brightness of the sun, Yuta enveloped Jaehyun in his arms. Strong, securely, lovingly. “Jaehyun. Jaehyun…” Yuta did not say anything else, just whispered Jaehyun’s name until his watery voice went back to normal.

Yuta let him go, but still held on to his hand, bringing it up to his lips to drop a soft kiss on top of it. “Thanks for making me so happy, Jaehyun-ah” and without warning, got even closer to Jaehyun’s face and connected their lips.

Jaehyun had never known a taste sweeter than Yuta’s lips.

“Hyung, have you ever converted a human?” Jaehyun asked Taeil later that day once he got back home. Taeil stared at him, but Jaehyun gave nothing away.

“No, I’ve never done it. Why do you ask?”

“No reason, I was just curious”

Their sophomore year started and Jaehyun had a new spring in his steps and a permanent smile on his face. That year he spent more time in the sun than he had ever before. He was glad for the sun training he endured in the prior years, otherwise he would have suffered a lot more. On a few occasions he got slightly feverish due to all the time spent in the sun thanks to Yuta’s activity-packed summer. They went hiking, climbing, bungee jumping (Jaehyun did not know he was afraid of heights until that day) and even kayaking. Yuta was obsessed with outdoor activities and Jaehyun followed him everywhere.

“Baby” Jaehyun choked on his coffee and dropped his glass when Yuta called him that for the first time, which in hindsight was good because it meant he didn’t have to drink it. “We spent all summer just doing things I liked. We’ve never done anything you wanted to do” Jaehyun appreciated the sentiment, but he enjoyed doing the things that made Yuta happy, so he told him as much. “Well, the thing that would make me the happiest right now is to do something you want to do” Yuta smiled his megawatt smile and as always, Jaehyun was a goner.

That day Jaehyun went back home and spent the whole night thinking about what he liked and things he would want to do. After thinking long and hard, he came to the conclusion that his biggest interest was music so he got them tickets to see an orchestra performance.

It was a new feeling for Jaehyun, to do something he wanted to do, to organize a date and see Yuta’s excitement when they reached the theater. So after that day, he bowed to plan even more dates for them

Winter arrived again and with it, Yuta’s invitation to come spend Christmas with him and his mother in Jeju, where his mother resided. The last time Jaehyun was in Jeju was probably about 100 years ago so he agreed immediately, excited at the prospect of going on a trip with Yuta to a place he was somehow familiar with.

Youngho found him in his room packing a small suitcase. “Where are you going?” Jaehyun was so distracted packing and thinking of all the things he could do with Yuta that he didn’t realize Youngho was there. “I’m going on a trip” He answered and continued packing. He eyed the pair of socks on his hands fondly, they were a gift from Yuta “these are our couple socks, you can only wear them if I wear them!” He figured Yuta would also bring his pair, so he packed them.

“On a trip? Why so suddenly? Are you going alone?” Jaehyun had kept it from everyone at the coven that he was dating Yuta. They knew he had a human friend, but he didn’t want to disclose more of their relationship. “No. I’m going with my friend. He invited me to spend Christmas with his family” He answered and raised his eyes carefully, gauging in Youngho’s reaction. Youngho gave nothing away, but Jaehyun noticed the small shift in his eyes. “Alright, be safe and have fun, Jaehyun.” and then he was gone.

Jaehyun often wondered how Yuta did not think it was weird that he lacked so many human experiences as they took their seat in the plane and Jaehyun held tightly to Yuta’s hand as they were about to take off. “Don’t worry, baby. This is safe. I’m here with you and it will be all over soon” Jaehyun felt like a child, but he only held tighter to Yuta’s hand once the plane started speeding off.

Jaehyun felt normal again only once they were out of the plane. “That was horrible, I never want to do it again” Yuta giggled just next to him and quickly pecked him on the lips. “We still have the way back though” and dragged Jaehyun away while laughing loudly when Jaehyun said he would rather swim back to Seoul.

They reached Yuta’s house which was located right next to the beach. The house was small and pretty, nothing too opulent from the outside and attached to it there was a pottery studio. Jaehyun could see in the glass display rows and rows of vases, plates, cups and more. It was beautiful, like a small museum. “My mom is mostly involved with the business side of the company, but she also enjoys pottery. She teaches pottery a few times a week in that studio” Yuta said as they walked to the front door, hand in hand. Yuta’s mom already knew they were dating, so it was not necessary to pretend to be just classmates.

Yuta opened the door and his mom was already waiting inside. “Mom!” Yuta immediately let go of Jaehyun’s hand and went running to his mother’s arms. “I missed you so much, why do you never come visit me?” He actually pouted and Jaehyun melted at the sight. “I’m a busy woman, Yuta. You should come visit me” She said that but Jaehyun noticed how she held onto Yuta tighter. Jaehyun had never seen so much familiar love before.

Without untangling himself from his mother, Yuta signaled to Jaehyun “Mom, this is Jaehyun, my boyfriend, love of my life and all that” As it was usual with Yuta, he cackled when he noticed Jaehyun’s reddening eras. Jaehyun bowed politely and got closer to Yuta’s mom. “Hello, nice meeting you. I am Jung Jaehyun” He said politely and Yuta’s mom answered by enveloping him in a hug. “No need to be so polite Jaehyun. I’m happy to meet you” Her smile was as wide and sincere as Yuta’s.

With introductions out of the way, Yuta’s mother ushered them to Yuta’s room so they could drop off all their stuff while she got the rest of the food ready. Jaehyun failed to account for all the food he would be forced to eat during that week. He hoped he would be able to manage it.

Four days in and Jaehyun felt sick. He didn’t know it was possible. Usually whenever he ate something with Yuta he would throw up later on once he was alone, but being with Yuta 24/7 did not really give him the chance and his body felt heavy and sluggish. That night after ensuring everyone was asleep he quietly scooted out of the bed and went outside where nobody could hear him throw up.

Finally alone and with no one to hear him, Jaehyun threw it all out. It was so much he even had tears in his eyes but the relief was immediate. Still, the taste on his mouth would not leave him, he needed to wash it down with something. He was not familiar enough nor close enough to a place where he could hunt so he figured fish would have to do. He had tried fish blood before and though it wasn’t his favorite nor a lot, it would help him calm down a little. He quickly went to the sea and caught a fish not too far from the shore. Calm waters and darkness making it an ideal place to fish to get closer to shore. He grabbed the fish, brought it outside of the water and sunk his fangs in, eyes lighting a quick bright red in the darkness, the usual for when vampires fed.

“Jaehyun?” He heard Yuta call out to him and Jaehyun felt the small piece of life he so carefully held in his hand, slowly come out of his grip.

⧪

Jaehyun hasn’t fed in days. He is afraid of missing even a single second from Yuta’s remaining life. “Hyung, I will keep Yuta-hyung company. Taeil-hyung found a cow you can feed on not far from here, it will only be a few minutes. He won’t even realize you’re gone” Jaehyun hears the real meaning behind those words: Yuta is barely holding onto consciousness, it makes no difference for Yuta if you’re there for him or not. Jaehyun holds even tighter into Yuta’s body and tells Donghyuck to go. Jaehyun knows his Yuta is still there and as long as he breathes, Jaehyun will be there for him.

⧪

Jaehyun was frozen. His mind running through different ideas. Should he escape? Try to explain himself? Running would do him no good, especially if he used his vampire speed. Explaining was no better either. How do you explain to someone why you’re sucking a fish's blood in the middle of the night with your inhuman fangs and flashing red eyes. Jaehyun was still stuck in place, but dropped the fish, it’s blood now running through his wet face. Yuta took a step closer and Jaehyun took a step back, afraid.

“Jaehyun, what’s happening? What are you doing?” Yuta looked at him with wide eyes and Jaehyun refused to make eye contact, afraid of what he would see in Yuta’s eyes.

“Jaehyun, talk to me, what is happening?” Yuta got even closer and Jaehyun finally looked up. Eyes still flashing red from his recent feeding. “Yuta, I’m sorry” He said and then turned back, ready to escape, but Yuta was faster, or Jaehyun just wanted to be stopped.

“Don’t run away, Jaehyun” Yuta said as he held onto Jaehyun’s arm. “Tell me what is going on. I will listen to you, love. Trust me” Yuta whispered under the night sky and Jaehyun trusted him.

On that night, Jaehyun bared himself entirely to Yuta and hoped for the best. Yuta listened quietly without interrupting, he would softly gasp at some parts of his story, but never flinch away from him. He remained there next to Jaehyun, both now sitting on a bench near Yuta’s house but away from potentially prying eyes and ears.Jaehyun told him everything. His human life, or what he could remember of it, he even trusted Yuta with the story of his first 80 years of vampire existence. This part of his story scared him more than anything else. Jaehyun feared Yuta would see him for what he really was, a monster, not the man he fell in love with. He told him about Youngho and his coven, how they helped him recover, how he hid from the world for years before taking a step outside and finally, his fears when he realized he fell in love with Yuta.

“I’m sorry, Yuta. I really am. But please, I beg you to believe me when I say that I would never hurt you. I know I’m a monster, but I love you. I really do. I never lied about that. You gave meaning to my life, love. I want to continue existing in this world because of you. You are my reason for living”

Jaehyun knew it was selfish of him to beg for Yuta’s forgiveness, but he needed to try, he would do whatever he could to keep Yuta by his side. He still expected Yuta to break into tears of fear at any moment and run away from him, but as Yuta always did, he surprised him once more with his incredible kind heart and instead of running away from him, Yuta brought him into his chest without regards to Jaehyun’s wet clothes and the blood still drying on his face. He gently placed Jaehyun’s head on the crevice between his neck and shoulders and held him tightly against his body.

“My love, I’m sorry you went through so much. You did not deserve all that pain. You are not a monster, you were just lost. You are your smiles and kind eyes, you are the person who enjoys music and is afraid of airplanes. You are the wonderful man I fell in love with. You are who you are today, love, not who you were before. You are my Jaehyun” Jaehyun cried that night as he had never cried before, on the shoulders of the man he loved unconditionally and who , against all odds, loved him back just as strongly.

In the remaining days in Jeju, Jaehyun answered all of Yuta’s questions about being a vampire and they often laughed together at the ridiculous things fiction writers made up about his kind “Oh my God, we fed you garlic bread yesterday, are you okay?” Yuta asked seriously and Jaehyun was so endeared. Yuta’s kindness knew no boundaries. “Well, garlic is not going to kill me, but I actually cannot digest food” Yuta froze in his arms where he was sitting with his back to Jaehyun’s chest and Jaehyun’s arms across his middle.

“You cannot digest food? What about all the times I cooked for you or we went to eat? The cookies we shared during our shifts at the coffee shop?” With each question, Yuta got increasingly agitated so Jaehyun turned him around so they could face each other. “I can pretend to eat for some time, but my body cannot actually keep the food, so I have to throw it all up” Jaehyun panicked when he saw tears filling Yuta’s eyes. “Love, I’m so sorry. That must have been horrible for you. I kept forcing you to eat” Yuta said sadly and Jaehyun’s heart got even bigger, if that was even possible. “Darling, you didn’t know. I loved seeing you prepare all of that for me, it made me happy to see your face whenever you saw me eat. I could still do it, you know? I don’t mind” Yuta gave him his best angry look which was anything but, and told him “Jung Jaehyun, you are not doing that. I would never make you go through that. I will just need to find a way to feed you somehow. Can you drink chicken blood?” Jaehyun laughed out loud and he couldn't stop. How did he find someone like Yuta who was thinking about ways to feed him blood, how could he be this lucky? “I’m being serious, Jaehyun. I will figure something out”

“I know you are, love. We can figure something out together” With that agreement, Yuta went back to his rightful place surrounded by Jaehyun’s arms

For the first time, with all his secrets out in the open and Yuta’s acceptance, Jaehyun envisioned an eternity with Yuta.

Back in the coven house, Jaehyun thought it was time to tell them about Yuta. Mostly because Yuta said he would like to meet the people who helped him. Only Yuta would want to meet a bunch of vampires. So on a day when everyone was in, he called them to the living room and told them he had something to announce.

“Jaehyun, what is it? Is everything okay?” Youngho was the first to ask him once everyone was gathered.

“Yeah yeah, I am fine. I just wanted to tell you all something. I… I actually…” he hesitated but would not go back on his resolve. “I have a boyfriend." He looked up and mostly saw surprised faces; in Youngho’s face he could see surprise mixed with something else but could not identify what it was.

Donghyuck was the first one to break the silence with a loud cheer and a pat to his back. “Hyung what the hell! How did you even get a boyfriend? Did you meet another vampire in Seoul? WAIT” he yelled and made Jaehyun jump on his place. “Did you go to Jeju to meet up with this boyfriend and didn’t tell us? I know Taeil-hyung’s former coven is there, don’t try lying to us. Tell us everything” Donghyuck smirked at him and Jaehyun gulped.

“No, actually he is not a vampire. He is a human. We met in class”

Silence.

Donghyuck’s smile fell from his face.

“Jaehyun, what do you mean a human? Taeil spoke a while after.

“Yeah, he is a human. He is the friend I told you all about before. We started dating a year ago. He… actually he knows I’m a vampire. He discovered it just recently. Well he saw me drinking blood from a fish and I told him about it” He tried making a joke out of it, but the frown on everyone’s face remained unmoving.

“Jaehyun, what did you do? How can you date a human and tell him about us?” Youngho did not yell at him, but with the look directed at him, Jaehyun felt properly chastised.

“I was not planning on it, but it just happened and he is okay with it. He accepts me just the way I am, and I am happy with him. I love him, Youngho. More than anything in this world” Jaehyun hoped the sincerity in his eyes was visible to all of them, but especially to Youngho who had given him the opportunity to start anew, but Youngho refused to look at him.

“Jaehyun, I am happy for you, I really am, but this is dangerous. You know how short human’s lives are. You are setting yourself up for a heartbreak here without reason” Taeil said with a concerned look on his face, he was afraid Jaehyun did not think this through.

“I know hyung, but it will be fine. I will convert him later on, maybe after we graduate college”

“Did he say he wants to be turned? The look Taeil threw his way made him falter, but he was so sure of their relationship anyway.

“Not yet, he barely learned about me being a vampire, but I will and then we’ll be fine”

Taeil sighed and went close to him to pat this back “Don’t wait too long to ask him, Jaehyun. I am telling this to you for your own sake”

“I will, hyung. Thanks”

It took a couple of months for everyone to accept and understand Jaehyun’s relationship, but they all came through, even Youngho. Now with everyone on board, Jaehyun invited Yuta to their house because he kept asking to meet everyone, and from Jaehyun’s side, Taeyong kept asking as well “Jaehyun when will you bring him over? I really want to meet him”

On their way there, Jaehyun could tell Yuta was nervous. “Love, don’t worry. Everyone is nice and I’ll be there with you. So nothing will happen, alright?” Yuta looked at Jaehyun as if he was crazy “Of course I know everything will be ok, they’re your family Jaehyun-ah. I am just so nervous to be essentially meeting the parents” He laughed before continuing. “How were you so chill when you met my mom?” Jaehyun never thought it was something to be nervous about, but thinking about it, he can see why Yuta is anxious. “It’s fine love, they are looking forward to meet you”

They arrived to the house and walked right in, Jaehyun had asked them to not prepare anything special, so Taeyong just got some coffee ready since Jaehyun mentioned before Yuta enjoyed it and they all learned to appreciate the smell with how often Jaehyun came back home smelling of it. Once inside, the first person to greet them was Taeyong, with a big smile on his face which Yuta returned immediately and after exchanging pleasantries and Yuta giving him the pottery piece he specially asked his grandma to ship from Japan, they settled in the living room.

Seeing them all together felt surreal for Jaehyun. These were his family, the people that took him in and cared for him, and Yuta, his love for eternity.

Conversation was easy between all of them. Donghyuck and Yuta kept firing questions at each other and at the end, they agreed to go hiking together, with Taeil and surprisingly, Dongyoung, wanting to join as well. They spent a few hours together until Jaehyun decided it was time to take Yuta back home, to which Yuta easily agreed.

Once they walked inside Yuta’s apartment, Yuta leaned in and kissed Jaehyun. “Thank you for trusting me, Jaehyun-ah. You have no idea how much this means to me”

Overwhelmed with love and adoration for Yuta, Jaehyun kissed him back furiously and led him to his bedroom, where, after softly placing him in bed, showered him with all the love and affection words alone could not convey.

Junior year went by in the blink of an eye and their senior year was coming to a close. Yuta never asked about it and Jaehyun didn’t bring it up either, they would have time to discuss it when the time was right.

Jaehyun was closer to his eternity with Yuta.

Jaehyun’s first heartbreak came just days after their graduation.

They went on a trip together to Japan to celebrate their graduation. Yuta showed Jaehyun all his favorite spots, the places he frequented as a child and his favorite restaurants, where Yuta ate and Jaehyun watched him. “We don’t have to do this, Jaehyun” Yuta told him multiple times, but Jaehyun would always reassure him that he enjoyed seeing Yuta eat, and he really did. He had never seen anyone enjoy food as much as Yuta did, it was endearing.

On the final day of their trip, Yuta took them to a bonsai garden he often went to with his dad when he was still a child.

“It’s crazy how I’ve been coming to this place for at least 10 years and the trees are pretty much still the same. When I was a kid I would ask my dad what was the point of going there if they looked the same every year” Yuta smiled fondly while remembering this. “My father would tell me that there was also beauty in patience, even if it was not perceivable to our eyes at first glance, change was happening. I didn’t really understand that until I became an adult. So now everytime I come to Japan, I visit this garden, it brings back happy memories with my dad. It would be great if I continue coming here for the next 60 years or something and get to see some growth though” Yuta joked and started walking in the direction of another bonsai.

“We can come here for more than just 60 years, love. We could even get our own and see how it grows” Jaehyun said as they walked down the garden.

“I guess we could, I hope I will still be in good condition by then. I don’t think I will be able to appreciate bonsai if I can barely walk” Jaehyun froze after Yuta said this and when he turned to the side, Yuta was smiling down at the bonsai.

They walked the rest of the garden and then made their way back to the hotel, since the garden was away from his home city, they decided to book a room for a few days while they went through all the sights.

Once inside the hotel, Yuta went to take a shower first and invited Jaehyun in, but he refused saying he needed to check something on his phone. So he was left alone in the room.

Did Yuta not know that Jaehyun could turn him? They’ve talked about Jaehyun’s conversion before, he also heard the rest of the coven members tell their own stories about their turning, so he should know it was possible. Did he…? Was Yuta considering not turning?

Jaehyun felt panic rise on his chest, his hands started shaking and his eyes quickly filled with tears. That was how Yuta found him.

“Jaehyun, what is it? Are you ok? Love, talk to me? What’s happening? Yuta dropped to his knees right in front of Jaehyun, holding both his shaking hands in his and bringing them to his lips.

“Yuta, do you want to spend eternity with me?” The desperation in his voice was obvious, even Yuta could tell.

“Love, I want to spend all the time that is available to me with you” was Yuta’s answer

“I can give you more than that, Yuta. You know it.” Jaehyun let his tears run freely down his face. “We can have eternity, love. You and I, together forever to love each other for all eternity. It doesn’t have to end”

Jaehyun was not used to seeing Yuta with a frown on his face, it didn’t fit him.

“I know, love” “If you know, then why?!” For the first time, Jaehyun raised his voice at Yuta. He unlaced their hands and walked to the opposite side of the room, getting some distance between them

“Jaehyun, love. You know I love you more than anything, right? You’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been. Every day I get to be with you feels like a blessing. I am thankful for every day I get to love you and be in your arms, but eternity is not something I want, Jaehyun. I want to live only the life that was given to me”

⧪

Jaehyun wonders if his love was never enough for Yuta. Wouldn't he have agreed to be turned if he loved him as much as he said he did? Jaehyun had years to think about this, but he knows it is not because of a lack of love for him. Yuta had so much love to give, and part of that love is love for life. Love for the things he would lose if he becomes a vampire. Jaehyun knows he doesn’t come second in Yuta’s heart, and somehow that hurts even more. If at least Yuta said he didn’t love him as much as Jaehyun does, then Jaehyun might be able to let him go. But he knows Yuta loves him, knows this hurts Yuta as much as it hurts him, so then, why? As Jaehyun caresses Yuta’s forehead, he once again asks him out loud “why?” but Yuta doesn’t reply.

⧪

Yuta asked him if he would like to break up. He was sure of his decision of not turning and didn't want to hurt Jaehyun even more. However, Jaehyun refused. After getting a taste of the happiness Yuta could offer him, he would not let go of it so easily. He also hoped that a few years down the line, Yuta would change his mind and they could put all this in the past. And so Yuta’s 20s flew by.

By age 30, Yuta already showed some signs of aging. Fine lines were visible in his forehead and white strands started to grow on his otherwise now black hair. With every small sign of Yuta’s life slipping away from his hand, Jaehyun felt his heart become smaller.

Jaehyun was at home one day when someone familiar, but not quite recognizable walked out of Youngho’s studio. The person looked at him and greeted him and Jaehyun answered with a “who are you?” The person started laughing and Jaehyun saw as the person in front of him turned into Youngho. “What the fuck did you do?” Jaehyun raised up from the couch and jumped right in front of Youngho.

“Cool trick, right? Really helpful when you have to meet with people who has seen you for years and expect you to age just like them” Jaehyun was baffled. He didn’t know they could control their physical appearance at will to make themselves look older than they were.

“Teach me how to do that, please” If Yuta would not stop aging for now, at least Jaehyun could try to match him. Youngho gave him a sad look, but explained to him how to do it.

When he showed Yuta his new skill, he joked and said Jaehyun just crushed his dreams of becoming a sugar daddy. Despite the meaning behind those words, Jaehyun laughed.

Yuta and Jaehyun got married when Yuta was 32 and they decided to live together in Yuta’s apartment. Jungwoo had left as soon as they graduated college, but his and Yuta’s friendship remained and he was now standing next to Yuta as his best man.

The day of their wedding was Jaehyun’s happiest day in his entire life. They didn’t get married in a church, but had a wedding officiant for the ceremony, which they had in a beautiful park Taeyong helped them secure a spot for. Going as far as to decorate the whole place with flowers and candles.

Jaehyun would never be able to forget the smile on Yuta’s face when they said I do. When they swore to love each other in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do them part. Jaehyun hoped death would never bring them apart.

Jaehyun’s first test came when Yuta was 45 and he received a call from the hospital that his husband had been involved in a car accident and was now receiving treatment. He rushed to the hospital and fear plagued his body until the moment he saw Yuta, well and alive in the hospital bed. The doctor explained to him that Yuta suffered a mild concussion and 2 broken ribs, but was otherwise good. He needed to stay in observation for 2 days and then could go home. Jaehyun spent both nights with Yuta in the hospital and the sight of his beloved, weak and pale, filled him with dread. Yuta’s life was so fragile, it wasn’t even a matter of age, anything could steal him away from his side. He could catch a sudden disease or an accident could take him away in a second. Jaehyun waited for Yuta to change his mind, but Yuta didn’t and Jaehyun would rather have Yuta hating him for eternity than to live without his love for even one day.

Jaehyun got closer to Yuta’s bed and softly, without waking him up, brought Yuta’s wrist to his lips. Jaehyun had never tasted Yuta’s blood. Yuta asked him if he wanted to, but Jaehyun refused. He could live just fine with animal blood and would never purposely cause him harm just so he could have a taste of his blood.

Jaehyun drew his fangs out and just before he sunk them in, Yuta’s soft snoring woke him up from his frenzy and when he realized what he was about to do, immediately dropped his hand and moved away.

He almost stole Yuta’s life away. The life Yuta clinged on to so strongly. The life Yuta loved and wanted to have, almost ripped from his hands by the person who promised to love him unconditionally.

Jaehyun cried for hours that night.

Life continued moving on for them, Yuta was now 60 and he received news that his mother had recently passed away. “I will miss her so much, but I am happy to know she went peacefully” was what Yuta said when he heard from his relatives in Japan. Yuta’s mom had moved back to Japan in prior years to take care of her own mother who passed away around 20 years ago. Yuta’s mom held a special place in Jaehyun’s heart. She always made him feel like he was also her son and for Jaehyun, she was the mother figure he never had. Still, the selfish, possessive part of him that wanted to keep Yuta by his side forever, found twisted joy in her passing. Without anyone else left for Yuta to live for, Jaehyun thought they would finally be able to be joined in eternal life. But Jaehyun should have known better than that, Yuta lived life for himself, not for anyone else.

Jaehyun’s second test came when Yuta was 74. Despite how much care he took of himself, Yuta was not immune to old age conditions. His joints ached and he could only walk slowly. He started sleeping for longer hours, tiredness getting the best out of him most days. He could not eat the food he enjoyed in his youth, teeth too sensitive and stomach too fragile to digest properly. This was but a shell of his Yuta, of what he chose life for. “This is how it is meant to be, love. I am very fortunate to make it to this age” Even without his life at full capacity, Yuta still chose life. But Jaehyun, who had to see him deteriorating day after day, could not choose the same. Just as the first time, driven by pain and fear, Jaehyun thought to do the unthinkable, but this time he would not stop. Fangs already out and inching closer to Yuta’s neck, Jaehyun’s phone chose that moment to start ringing.

On the phone with Taeil Jaehyun broke down and confessed to him what he would do. If even one person told him he was doing the right thing, he would do it. Yuta would forgive him eventually.

“Jaehyun, I cannot tell you what to do and I cannot even begin to understand how you feel right now, so the only thing I can do right now is to tell you that no matter what happens or what you choose to do, we will be here for you” Unable to form any words to give Taeil, Jaehyun dropped the call and looked at Yuta’s sleeping form. So trusting and vulnerable right on Jaehyun’s side, he never doubted Jaehyun, never feared Jaehyun would betray him out of the life he so dearly held onto and Jaehyun, once again, felt how he almost failed Yuta.

“Probably 2 weeks at most. I don’t recommend admitting him to the hospital, he can rest and peacefully go while being at home surrounded by his family”

When the doctor visited their house last week and delivered the news, Jaehyun felt oddly calm. It’s not as if he didn’t already expect it. Yuta’s health had been taking a turn for the worst in just a few days, so it was only a matter of time.

Jaehyun kept Yuta company for the entirety of the week, never once leaving his side. He kept him warm and fed, ensuring he was comfortable and safe in his arms, and for the most part, Yuta seemed to be doing good. At least he wasn’t in pain. They shared hushed conversations even late into the night when Yuta would suddenly wake up. They remembered their life together. They laughed while remembering Jaehyun’s first airplane trip and when Yuta caught Taeil feeding from Donghyuck and without knowing how intimate that gesture is for vampires, he asked about it while they were all together, which forced them to come forward and confirm they were together. Yuta profusely apologized for that on multiple occasions to the amusement of the couple. Tears filled their eyes when they remembered the day of the wedding and the vows of love they shared. For that entire week they shared laughter and love, memories and kisses. It didn't seem possible for Jaehyun, but he felt they got even closer in the span of a few days.

Ignorance is bliss. Jaehyun enjoyed those days to the full extent of his abilities without thinking about what would come next.

From the morning, Jaehyun could see Yuta’s health deteriorated drastically. Just the night before, Yuta held Jaehyun closely as he fell asleep, but now, Yuta’s arms lay limp by his side, Jaehyun anchoring him to his chest. Throughout the day Yuta shivered and whimpered in pain, but Jaehyun believed, wanted to believe, that it was all temporary. It’s only when Yuta becomes almost motionless, soft, drawn out breaths the only thing letting him know his Yuta is still there, that Jaehyun realizes what is happening. Yuta finally reached the end of his lifetime.

Desperate and heartbroken, the pain Jaehyun kept so closely concealed inside his heart, spills out without control.

“Yuta, I can’t. I can’t do this, please forgive me, love. Please forgive me. I love you. You can’t leave me, love, please. I’m sorry, Yuta please, I’m sorry” Jaehyun desperately cries on Yuta’s shoulder, inching closer to his neck, tears trailing down his face and falling on Yuta’s body. Jaehyun gets closer to Yuta and sobs on his neck before drawing out his fangs, for the first time getting close enough to touch Yuta’s neck, ready to pierce the soft skin there, ready to create their forevermore.

“Jaehyun” Yuta says softly, almost like a whisper, and Jaehyun holds him tighter, fangs unmoving. “Let me go, love”

⟲

It was during one of their trips to Japan, sitting together in the front steps of the small cottage they stayed in for a weekend getaway in the mountains years after learning of Yuta’s resolution of not turning, that Jaehyun dared to breach the subject again.

“Before I met you, I had never seen a person who lived so passionately. You enjoy every single moment as if it is your last, you always want to try new things even if you know you might not like them, you pour your heart and soul into everything you do, the list of things you want to do is already so long and still growing, so why, Yuta, why do you choose to limit your time?

Yuta stayed quiet for a moment and then looked up at Jaehyun, a happy smile adorning his face.

“I’m happy to know this is how I look like to you, Jaehyun. That is exactly the type of life I’ve wanted to live and I’m happy to know I’ve made it” Yuta took a pause to push Jaehyun’s bangs behind his ears after they had fallen to his eyes when the wind blew on them.

“Did I ever tell you about the final conversation I had with my father before he passed? Jaehyun shook his head no and Yuta continued.

“My dad was my role model, I got my passion for food because of him as you know, but he taught me so much more. I learned to appreciate the little things in life thanks to him. He lived so passionately and strongly and he encouraged me to do the same. I was so angry when he fell ill. It felt unfair, you know? Why would someone who appreciated life so much get a short one? I told him as much as he told me that life is what we make out of it, long or short, what mattered is that we lived it. That was not enough for me though, I still told him it was unfair and I was angry that he was fine with letting go. He told me he would miss me and my mom, but that he knew he would get a second chance. I didn’t know what that meant and he explained he was sure he would eventually come back. Maybe in this life he would not get the opportunity to live out everything he wanted, but in the next one he would make sure to live even more passionately and if in that life he still didn’t get to do all he wanted he would try again in the next one. I was stunned, Jaehyun-ah. He believed in it so fiercely that he was not afraid of death. That really resonated with me and growing up I set myself so many goals, I created so many plans and wanted to learn so many things because I also believe there is more than one chance for me to fulfill all of it” Yuta paused and squeezed Jaehyun’s hand that had gone limp on Yuta’s hold. “An eternal life cannot give me that, love. It cannot give me the opportunity to try again, and I want to try again”

“What guarantees you that you will come back? What if you never do and this is the only chance you get. Would you still be okay with that?” Jaehyun knew he was fighting a losing battle, but he could try.

“I cannot guarantee it, but I like to think it is possible” Yuta said hopefully, soft eyes and smiles directed at him, breaking and mending Jaehyun’s heartstrings at the same time.

“Would you come back to me? If you get a second chance, would you come back to me?”

“One lifetime is not enough to love you, Jaehyun. I will love you in every single life I live”

⟲

So by nightfall, Jaehyun lets go.

And Yuta breathes his final breath.

In this destiny, I loved you without regrets. Even now when I burst into tears and fall apart, I want to hurt even more relentlessly. In this disastrous night, I take the price for wanting you, but still, I love you. I love you.