Chapter Text
"Oh, baby, I think we both know
This is the love that we won't get right.
Still, if you said that you wanted,
I know I'll always have one more try."
The wind howled in between houses; edging and then trailing up the back of Leighton’s neck, popping her camel coat collar, wrinkling her cashmere scarf. It made her muscles jump and then still, her skin goose bumped and red raw tender. She came out here to breathe, but all she felt was stinging chill and aching lungs.
Leighton found that even when it came to the best of intentions for herself, she usually ended up gasping for air and wondering why self intended altruism always left a throbbing burn. She will forever wonder as she tried to forget the only person that ever craved to ask for more. Maybe Leighton didn’t know what was best. Maybe she had lied to the outside world for so long, she forgot what her own honest truth was.
Maybe she just needed more time than she was afforded. Maybe she hated herself for still wanting to ask for it after watching the last grains of sand fall through the hour glass. Maybe she hoped she could shake it up like a snow globe until the fluttering fall didn’t matter anymore. Until the seconds didn’t add to minutes, didn’t add to days and months and what she hoped could be years. Maybe she should’ve told her as she watched tears gather and pool and fight to fall, that she loved her. That she wanted Alicia to say it too. That they deserved that much. That they deserved the truth.
And maybe she had made just the right amount of 11:11 wishes. Maybe she had picked up just the right face up penny. Maybe prayers were answered that she never made, because maybe she didn’t believe in god, but she did believe in this. She did believe in her. In them. In the way she felt before it was all said and done.
Maybe it was meant to be, because she saw that unmistakable mop of dark hair and twinkling brown eyes move towards her. Hunched and buried in cheap denim and layered fleece. Alicia must’ve seen her too, because the twinkle wavered then dimmed; shoulders drawing closer, hands submerging further into pockets. She looked smaller. Smaller that 5’2’’. Smaller than all her opinions, and beliefs, and capacity for love. Like she was hiding just how big apart of Leighton’s heart she was.
It didn’t work. Leighton felt like her chest might burst.
The thrum of the ongoing Theta New Years Eve party dulled the thrumming of her own chest. All she felt was bass drum and the pounding of the blood in her ears. All she felt was Alicia’s eyes on her, the magnetic pull they both wanted to deny but couldn’t.
“Alicia… What’re you doing here?” It wasn’t Leighton’s best work. Certainly wasn’t capable of winning anyone back. But it was all she could come up with between the lack of oxygen and the way her muscle tightened with each late winter howl.
“Hey Leight… Leighton… Just uh, walking back from a friend’s house party.” It made sense. But it didn’t dull the hope that maybe Alicia had taken the long way. Had heard Theta was throwing a huge get together, and she maybe wanted to get one fleeting glance at the blonde that she couldn’t stop thinking about. It made sense, but Leighton still hoped.
“Well, I was just heading out… Could I maybe walk you home?” The words were out of Leighton’s mouth before she could wrestle them back from the tip of her tongue and into another dimension. It was stupid. She was being stupid.
“I mean, I don’t know if that's the best idea…” There was an awkward pause; just long enough for Alicia to shiver, then look up at the starless winter sky. “But I do hear the buddy system is recommended on this side of town. Never know when a Theta bro might call you a slur, and then get you the girl all in the same night.”
The relieved giggle that escaped Leighton wasn’t lost on either of them. Breathing was hard enough right now, but she couldn’t help the exhale of adoration that broke free from her chest and slid past her lips.
“How was your winter break?” Leighton knew Alicia didn’t care for small talk. But here she was trying. Here she was breaking their self induced silence.
“Kinda shitty. My parents are… Well they’re my parents. And my friends back home kinda suck… Plus, I spent most of it thinking about how I left things here. How I left things with you…” She wanted to stop herself but couldn’t. What was it with honesty and it’s endless need to insert itself once you’ve acknowledged it? Once you’ve fought it, lost to it. Lost everything to it.
“Leighton… You can’t say shit like that…” Alicia stumbled a little, bumping Leighton’s shoulder in the process. The scarlet flush of embarrassment and below freezing temperates made her even more beautiful, even more real to Leighton. She was never some temporary thing to the blonde, but it was abundantly clear that Leighton craved her permanence. Craved the possibility of forever in her.
“I miss you.”
“Nothing’s changed…” Alicia breathed out, exasperated and aching. It was evident in the broken syllables and broken eye contact. “This is the love we won’t get right.”
“Still… If you said that you wanted… I know I’ll always have one more try.” Leighton waited with bated breath, her eyes seeking but never finding a companion set. Everything stopped for a second. Their forward inertia, their attempt to move on side by side but not together. Everything stopped.
And then Alicia reached, and pulled, and waited for a nod until pressing their lips. Alicia held her impossibly close, kissed her impossibly hard, wanted her a little too much. A little bit just enough.
“This has to be the last time…” Alicia pushed.
“This time… It will be this time…” Leighton pulled.
“I miss you too. I think I always will.” Leighton nodded in agreement, her body answering questions that couldn’t be expressed in words. Because Leighton had tried. She would always try when it came to Alicia.
“While we’re being honest, I love you. I think I always will.”
“You can’t say shit like that.”
“But I mean it. I think I’ll always mean it.”
And just like that, something shifted. Changed. Reminded Leighton that this was worth it. That loving Alicia was worth it.
“I love you too… But is that enough?” Alicia gripped her jaw, shifted her eyes down just to pull them back up. They were twinkling again with both tears and hope. Leighton pulled her in a little tighter, rested their foreheads together.
“I’ll make sure of it.” And that’s the thing about honesty; it has an endless need to make itself known. Sometimes at the perfect time.