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The sand is pleasingly warm under his feet and tickling between his toes, while he is walking along the beach. The soft remnants of sunshine are adding up to the paradise-like scenery with the palm trees and the ocean in azure blue. While it seems like this could be the perfect condition for a relaxed end of the year holiday, his shoulders are tense and butterflies are having big party in his stomach, making him feel slightly queasy. It’s the last day of 2021 and finally he is going to meet Armie again.
After spending Christmas with his parents, he flew over from New York the night before. He tried to get rid of his tiredness in the hotel room, but felt too restless to stay inside. The thought of meeting Armie in less than two hours leaves him with a frightening mixture of undefinable emotions. An almost childlike joy is bubbling inside of him, but also a ton of heavy feelings about what will happen with the two of them, when they see each other again in person. He’s anxious. Anxious that everything might have changed between them. Anxious he changed. Anxious Armie had changed. While everything he really wants, is to be with him like before. Before … He doesn’t even has a name for what has happened.
*~*~*
In the beginning of this year, they paused their relationship after Armie’s life imploded in itself. Of course he always knew, that Armie is a victim of a badly staged smear campaign. But he also knew that Armie had serious problems. They both knew that, but hadn’t dared to open their eyes and gaze into reality. Somehow they had thought, with just enough love, they could solve those problems on their own. Twelve months later, the wry smile on his lips indicates how naïve their approach was. Years of being trapped in a toxic marriage and a childhood under a lot of pressure aren’t going to miraculously disappear. He saw how regular Armie’s alcohol consumption got. How harder it was for Armie to “function” in a constant flow every day. He saw the almost manic highs and lows Armie went through. But he also believed him, when Armie told him, they will make together and after the divorce everything will be smoothed out for them and their very own future. He wanted to believe him, cause he felt so powerless, while watching Armie disappear through his own fingers at the same time. The person who he loved more than anything felt more and more like a stranger to him.
He’s so mad at himself, that he wasn’t more insistent, when Armie thought about it for too long – to ask for professional help. He should have known long before the smear campaign, which was only the last kick, that sent Armie down in that big black hole. He still feels sick, thinking about the first two months of the year, where suddenly everything felt like he was wrapped up in a deafening amount of newspapers filled with horrendous articles about the love of his life. The louder the media outlets were screaming, the more he felt himself trapped in the wordless silence of a failed relationship. He felt like he failed so badly as a partner, as a lover.
When Armie chose to join a more closely monitored program for his mental health, they agreed to pause their relationship and gave themselves space to sort their very own demons out. He has to admit, back then, he was happy about this decision. It was like a heavy weight was lifted from his heart and finally Armie could get the help he clearly needed and he himself couldn’t provide. At the same time he wanted to scream in emotional pain, cause it felt like a goodbye to a lover, which might be forever. The fear, what it could mean for their future relationship was eating him up alive every hour, every day.
Sure they stayed in touch. Exchanging messages and even video calls, keeping themselves updated about their daily life. Sometimes Armie told him about therapy and the things he learned there about himself and his behavioural patterns. A lot of situations made sense now in Timmy’s head, when he looked back at their relationship in retrospect. But none of the two them had the courage to address the pink elephant in the room every time they talked on the phone and the gnawing question “What about us?” became his first thought in the morning and the last one before he went to bed every night.
Surprisingly – or maybe it even wasn’t a coincidence – it was of course Luca again, who should play a crucial role in his young life. While shooting for “Bones & All” was grotesque enough in itself, Luca made him realise, that his mind was too occupied to work at his full potential. He wasn’t free in his acting, he looked stiff and tense. Luca phrased it nicely, but the message was crystal clear. He looked like shit on all the production monitors and was acting like a beginner. On the second evening Luca gave him a glass of red and asked him a simple question. “Do you still love him?” He couldn’t stop the tears and all the pent up tension that were boiling inside of him over the last few months and were now overflowing as if someone poked a crack into a dam. They had a long conversation that night and the next day, he also booked in for some therapy sessions to process the amount of self-loathing he was carrying around since Armie hit rock bottom and he wasn’t able to help him.
After a few sessions with his therapist, he already started to feel slightly better, when he began to realise, that he wasn’t and will never be in a position to handle the mental health problems of other people on his own without professional help. That – guess what – love sometimes isn’t enough to stitch up all the wounds from the past. It was wholesome for him to learn, to what extent he can be a healthy support for a partner and where his boundaries are or should be.
Funnily enough, at the same time he was also sensing a palpable change in Armie’s overall situation. Armie seemed more and more grounded, willing to face his demons and able to take his life in his own hands again bit by bit. An indescribable relief washed over him, when Armie finally was stable enough to visit his kids during summer. Somehow he felt this would be a turning point in Armie’s recovery process and from that moment on things only got better and better.
He dived pretty lighthearted in the buzzing excitement of “Dune” promo and was thankful for all the distractions and people that kept him from falling down into the rumination spiral again. There even were moments of funny banter with Armie on the phone and piles of expensive clothes on his bed. It almost felt normal between them, but this aching blank space of not having a real relationship anymore couldn’t be covered up by all the glittery film premieres on this planet. One night, after an exhausting day full of interviews he was lying in his hotel bedroom with his phone in his hand. His eyes almost closed, carried away by a wave of yearning, the words “I miss you so much it hurts.” were tapped on his screen and his thumb was hitting the send button before he drifted away into a dreamless sleep.
When he woke up the next morning and remembered his text message, he was almost panicking, fearing he probably put too much pressure on Armie during his recovery process. He took a look and saw the message was read, but with no answer from Armie. The next hours were pure torture. He was almost ready to call his therapist, while it was in the middle of the night in Los Angeles for them. After snapping at a rude journalist during an interview, he was back in his hotel room staring the walls to death. In the early evening hours he was already tapping myriads of excuses into his phone, when an incoming message from Armie startled him out of his state of anxiety. “I know we have to talk about it, T. Give me a little bit more time. New Year’s Eve together? Grand Cayman? Please say yes.”
*~*~*
Now, three months later, he’s nervous like hell. And when he almost bumps into Armie, while being deep in his own mind, their meet-up takes his breath away. Armie looks so much more healthier and confident than all the months – maybe years – before, it fills his heart with a deep state of satisfaction he never knew before.
While he is looking into Armies eyes, he grabbs his necklace in an unconscious gesture. It was last year’s Christmas present from Armie and should bring him luck for all the film premieres in 2021. Remembering how difficult this year was and how he always was too sentimental to discard this necklace, hoping it will mean that he and Armie will end up together again. Armie notices the gesture and unlinks the fastener of the necklace, taking it away and throwing it into the ocean in one fast motion. Timmy opens and closes his mouth, surely looking like a dead fish, slowly flashing his eyes at Armie “Did you just threw thousands of dollars into the ocean?” And there it was – the wide, impish smile, which finally reaches Armies eyes again. “Yes.” And with that Armie grabs some blades of grass from the dunes and fastens them around his neck securing them with a knot. “Diamonds are so 2021. 2022 is for grounded new beginnings.” The smile that spreads over both of their faces can for sure lighten up the whole island. He doesn’t care how sappy they have to look, cause he realises what Armie said is exactly what he wants. He doesn’t want to be together with Armie like before. He wants to be together with Armie like … now. Both of them grown, proud and stronger than ever before.
They kiss when the fireworks are up in the night sky and even though he knows, that they have a long way ahead and need to talk it through – never felt a New Year’s Eve more promising than this one.
*~*~*
Fin.