Chapter Text
So
First there was the Trolls
Who were kind of clever
But not all that smart.
And particularly lacking in vital skills
Like architecture and competitiveness.
You might not think these were terribly important
But that is because you are not a TRUE GAMER.
And all true gamers play a game called sBurb
Or sGrub, or other things that start with S.
It’s a very important letter.
Anyway, the Trolls tried to play sGrub
And they were so bad at it
Than your mum could beat them without even needing her lusus.
Which is a kind of dog
If dogs ate other trolls
And raised you through childhood.
So not like a dog at all.
Except they are very loyal
So I guess they are like dogs a bit.
Anyway
The Trolls were so bad at sGrub
That it destroyed their entire race
And you thought it was bad
When you wiped the raid on the last attempt of the night.
They were like OH MAN
WE ARE SO TERRIBLE AT THIS
WE DONT EVEN HAVE MOTHERS TO BLAME THIS ON.
IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME WAY
TO GO BACK IN TIME
AND MAKE US MORE AGGRESSIVE AS A SPECIES
AND MAYBE LEARN ABOUT SCAFFOLDING.
THAT WOULD BE REALLY HELPFUL ABOUT NOW.
Fortunately for them
Or not as the case may be
Someone heard them
And Doc Scratch was like HEY GUYS
YOU WANNA DO THE THING?
LETS DO THE THING.
So
First there were the Trolls
Who were kind of clever
But not that smart.
And particularly lacking in vital skills
Like cooperation and speaking legibly.
But competitiveness and architecture?
Thier skills at these things were ON POINT.
Because as kids they had to build their own Seussian house
And also fight other kids and their dog-lususes.
Or maybe dog-lusi.
This made them somewhat better at playing sGrub
But worse at being friends.
Anyway, twelve of them played the game.
And for a while it went really well
Except that it went all wrong.
Which is what Doc Scratch intended
Back when he changed things.
Anyways, I should explain sGrub
Or sBurb or sAbode or SimCity as appropriate
Basically, it’s a game
Where you kill everyone
And make a new universe how you see fit
Inside a giant frog.
Frogs are very important. Frogs and Horses.
It’s a thing.
Also Doc Scratch is cheating at it.
He’s trying to help his boss win forever or something.
So the Trolls fucked everything up
And broke the new frog universe
Which sucks, because the new universe
Is OUR UNIVERSE.
And the twelve Trolls became our constellations.
So
First there were the humans
Who were kind of clever
But not that smart.
And particularly lacking in vital skills
Like empathy for others and sobriety.
But faffing about instead of playing sBurb?
Their skills at these things were ON POINT.
Because John, who is one of the kids
Seriously takes years
and years
and years and years
just to get through the tutorial.
Any of our mums could beat him at his own game
Mostly because his own game is one of his own devising.
It is called ‘everything is about me, John Egbert’.
You don’t want to bother learning the game, trust me.
Anyway, the kids finally get into the game proper
destroying Earth in the process
as the fires of a thousand meteors scorch the surface.
Sorry, Earth
Things just weren’t meant to be
Blame it on the Trolls, and their giant mutant frog.
Once in the game, the kids screw around some more.
Mostly they’re fucked because they didn’t pay attention
during the tutorial
and now they don’t know how to bring up the map
or find their quest log
or how to prototype properly
It is like if you let your little brother or sister
Play on your world of warcraft main
when all they had ever played
was Mario Kart.
To be entirely fair, it must be stated
that the Trolls had a hand as well
in their abysmal performance
as we soon shall see…